Girls, prepare to be more obsolete
than you already are.
Which will be hard.
You're one step above newspapers.
Behold, the future!
Oh, no. I'm still here in the future?
(mechanical chattering)
Or, Han, your sister's here.
Hello, hola, konichiwa.
I guess now's a good time to admit
that I ate a bunch of shrooms and I'm seeing
a robot in a bowtie.
This is a room service robot that delivers food.
My aunt's Holiday Inn went belly-up.
I got this and one night stand.
That's the only one night stand
you're ever gonna get.
Must be a different kind of room service
than they have at Tuggington's Hourly Motel.
Where the first tug is free.
(mechanical chattering)
- R2, thank God.
I thought I lost you when we blew up the Death Star.
Would you like a late check out?
Sorry, toots. I checked out years ago.
List diner specials.
You have ordered four adult films.
That's a lie.
I've only ordered three.
Shut down, robot.
Hey! Hey!
This is what happens when you get a robot for free!
(beeping)
R2, no!
Yoda's our friend!
HAN: Somebody help me!
If that thing could show cleavage and steal silver wear,
I'd be out of a job.
(Peter Bjorn and John) * Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
(cash register bell dings)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
I can't wait for our date either, Bobby.
Okay, I'll see you tomorrow.
You hang up first.
No, you hang up-- Oh, he hung up.
I'm liking this guy more and more.
I know. Isn't Bobby the cutest?
Not smoking Chinese baby cute, but not bad.
Max, I'm so excited.
This is the first date I'll be going on
since Julia Roberts could still open a romantic comedy.
I'm still pissed at them for stealing my life story
for "Pretty Woman."
Jason Alexander's character was totally me.
For our date, he's thinking of taking me
on an afternoon picnic in the park.
The pretty one, where you crotch punched that mime into a pond.
You know the fact that Bobby's taking you
on a day date is a bad sign, right?
It probably means he's married.
Or worse, afraid of the dark.
Actually, the day date was my idea.
You know we're not married, right?
That's not why I call you my old lady.
It's cause you write thank you notes
and use the word jeepers.
Jeepers, Max!
I just figured if I go out at night,
you'll have to run the dessert bar alone
and you've never done that before.
I've also never flossed my back teeth.
And they're fine when it's not windy.
I got this.
Hey, girls.
I just thought I'd take a walk and stretch my knees.
Then I remembered I don't have any.
Earl, I'm going on a night date, like a person.
Max will be running the dessert bar and that'll be fine, right?
Ooh, speaking of disasters, that reminds me,
I have to return "Risky Business" to Blockbuster.
When do they close?
2009.
So I still have time.
MAX: Hey, guys, look. It's a groundhog.
So it's gonna be an early spring.
No. He saw his shadow this year.
Know your facts.
Earl, you're supposed to be in the diner.
I had to ask our shrimp supplier to cover for you.
I thought your mother was our shrimp supplier.
Han, I'm going on a night date, like a person.
Max'll be running the dessert bar and that'll be fine, right?
Sure, like when I had her run the diner by herself.
Which never happened because I'm not a damn fool!
Let's go, Earl.
All right, fine.
I left my knees there, anyway.
Hey, I was, uh-- I was just in the neighborhood
and thought I'd hop on two subways and a Citi Bike
and come say hi.
A Citi Bike?
Oh, this city gal is flattered.
Jeepers.
Isn't he the cutest?
Oh, not dog running in his sleep cute, but I'm all right.
Bobby, I have some good news.
I don't want you to think I'm loose or fast
or whatever the kids say, but I am available
for a night date, like a person.
- Hey, really? That's great.
I usually save my day dates for my grandma.
She likes a noon dinner.
-I like a noon-- -No.
Since we're going out at night,
I can cancel all the romantic errands
we were gonna run to the bank
and my dry cleaners.
Now I can take you to a movie.
There's this new theater that has couches
and waiter service.
Wow. We work in a restaurant
and we don't have waiter service.
He has a bank and clean clothes?
-Caroline, don't screw this up. - (laughs)
Paging Dr. Pringle, you're needed in my stomach.
Okay, pop quiz on running the dessert bar.
What do you do if a customer chokes?
Look, if I have to cut a hole in someone's throat,
I'll cut a hole in someone's throat.
Cutting a hole in people can't be your answer for everything.
Next one. What do you do if there's a fire?
Follow up question: did I or did I not start said fire?
Either way, I'm cutting a hole in someone.
Okay you failed this quiz now twice.
Especially the essay portion.
I'm calling Bobby and canceling.
Oh. They're home.
He means, hey, girls.
How did you get a key to our apartment?
They specifically say on them,
"Do not copy for Oleg."
I find that when you go in a Home Depot pantless,
they'll do anything to get you out quick.
We come down here on our date nights
to pretend we're two destitute girls
who are sleeping together for warmth.
Why do you guys come here?
Why don't you go to, like, I don't know, Olive Garden?
Yeah, this is date night.
Not find an overweight guy to film us night.
Staying in is a tradition.
You know, in Poland, you really can't go outside
because of all the wild dogs.
And if it wasn't for the wolves,
You wouldn't be able to walk anywhere.
Of course, you still need your vulture stick.
Speaking of vultures circling a dead body,
Caroline's got a date tonight.
(laughs)
Oh, my God, Max. That's a good one.
Say it again.
No, it's not a joke.
I'm really going on a date.
(laughs)
Stop it! Oh, my gosh, I'm gonna pee.
I'm going to that new movie theater with couches.
It's like watching at home, but there isn't a giant spring
poking you in the butt.
Play your cards right, there will be.
Here you go. Two Liquor Doodles.
And speaking of licking her doodle--
No.
What are you doing here? I thought I left you
at the apartment.
Which is what my abductor said
when I ran into him at Baskin-Robbins.
Wait, did he work there or did you just want ice cream?
Because if he worked there, why would you go--
Anyway, I'm having Bobby pick me up here
so I can keep my hand on the fire extinguisher
until we get to our wherever it is he's taking me.
No. You don't trust me.
You think I'm gonna mess this place up.
Ah, Caroline gone yet?
'Cause I got us some high-grade pot--
to turn into the authorities immediately.
Earl, you go AWOL more often than Mischa Barton
on a movie set.
What do I have to do to keep you in that diner?
Well a date with Halle Berry would be nice.
I also wouldn't hate minimum wage.
How about a butterscotch pudding?
That works, too.
That pudding has saved me thousands over the years.
And who told him about minimum wage?
Will you just go on your date already?
-(gasps) Ashley! -Ashleigh!
(both scream)
both: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God. Sorority sisters?
Max, you hate them.
I mean, I was a sorority sister.
You look so good!
Shut up, I gained, like, two pounds.
Oh, you shut up. You look like you're dying.
Just relax, I'll take care of them.
And I don't mean calling my friend Dmitri,
who has his own dumpster.
Oh, sorority sisters, huh?
Epsilon Phis! And we haven't seen each other
in, like, three days.
Uh, that's pretty obvious.
Let me get you some menus.
Eh? Nobody got hurt.
I'd feel better if your eye wasn't twitching like that.
Wow, Caroline, you look beautiful.
Speaking of beautiful, who built this awesome place?
This guy. I'm going out with him tonight.
He's cute, too.
Okay, I know you're talking about me, but I get jealous.
I'm gonna tell you what I always told my mom:
go out, get plastered and you don't have to wait
till the morning after to take the pill.
That's just a name.
It's okay, I took mine on the way over.
Have fun Max. Do not have fun. Bye!
(blows raspberry) I can handle a few sorority girls.
Let me make sure I still have Dmitri's number.
(gasps) Bunny!
- Ashley! Ashleigh! (all screaming)
God, they're multiplying.
Oh, you look so good!
-Oh, shut up. -You shut up!
You guys should really listen to each other.
Couches in movie theaters?
I feel like Kate Middleton right now.
I'm glad you're easily impressed.
For Valentine's Day, I'll take you to the Super Target cafe.
Well I can't just sit on that kinda news.
Let me just call Max and tell her.
Nope, straight to her outgoing fart message.
Bon soir, everybody. My name is Marcel,
and I will be the curator for this evening's
cinematic experience.
The film, which Owen Gleiberman has hailed,
a Kubrickesque tour de force,
will be screening in DCP--
Uh, yes? A question from a fellow cinephile?
Do I have to order the seasoned fries
separate from the regular ones or can I just get them mixed?
It's a dollar extra.
I'll be taking orders once the movie starts.
Whatever.
Hey, great question about the fries.
I had a follow up about free refills.
Everything okay?
I was just, um, checking this place on Yelp.
And to see if the dessert bar was on the news.
Or engulfed in flames.
Shh.
You saw the dancing hot dog.
No cell phones.
What are you guys doing here?
Did I cover my bed in "Dexter" tarp for nothing?
We're on a date.
Trying like crazy not to have sex.
Usually, when the lights go down in the movie,
so do my pants.
and then, so do I.
And of course we would have to see a super sexy poster
of Steve Buscemi in the lobby.
Hi, I'm Bobby. Nice to meet you.
Sorry, I'm no Steve Buscemi. I had braces in high school.
You guys brought Barbara on your date with you?
Of course not. She's with the babysitter.
We used the carriage to sneak in our dinner.
Hey, we're not gonna pay movie chicken prices.
Oleg, tear me off a leg.
(ripping sound)
Good. Yeah.
(siren wailing)
Was that a siren?
Oh, it's coming from the screen.
The movie's called "Sirens."
I know, but I thought I heard another one under it
that sounded like it could be heading for a dessert bar.
Are you not having a good time?
Do you not like movies?
Please tell me you don't like plays.
No, I'm having a great time.
And please tell me you don't consider musicals plays.
Hey, I don't wanna check in on Max
'cause she'll think I don't trust her.
So can you check in on Max?
Because I really don't trust her.
Uh, I got chicken hands!
Why don't you ask your boyfriend to do it?
First, we haven't discussed labels yet.
And second, I don't want him to think I'm not having fun.
I'm having so much fun.
I would go to a musical if it was important to you
I'll do it.
Texting? Out.
And don't come back until you gain some respect
for the art form.
Who ordered the chili dog with the nachos on top?
Well it probably all for the best.
Since you're leaving anyways,
you can check in on Max in person.
I guess.
Since we're about to chicken up your bed.
(together) Epsilon Phi until we die!
Ah, heard you the first time. I'm working on it.
(sighs)
Aw, come on, Ashley!
That's something I'd expect from Ashleigh.
Can you do something?
Uh, uhh.
Hey you, uh, they're trying to let a poor girl in the sorority.
Who? Is she ugly?
There you go. See? She's as annoying
as she was five minutes ago.
Now what do you people want?
Um, more shots.
Also, Ashleigh threw up in Ashley's purse.
Ah, back from the liquor store.
Sorry I took so long.
I didn't realize I was at a Pottery Barn.
Well, while I've got you confused,
How about you get back to work
and bring out these drinks for me?
I am not confused. I realized
I'm a waitress at this TGIFridays.
Congratulate us!
We've just gone two hours without having sex.
Which breaks our old record by pretty close to two hours.
You know, Caroline asked us to check up on you
because she was worried.
We're not supposed to tell you that.
But I had to leave a half a roasted chicken
in the movie theater.
So I am!
Does she have any idea what I've been through tonight
with these sorority girls?
(chuckles) For all she knows, I'm sober.
Sorority girls, huh?
I was in a sorority once.
Until they found me.
What's going on? We've been waiting
for our next round of drinks for, like, ever.
Wow, Max.
Are you really gonna let the cast of "Pitch Perfect"
talk to you like that?
People in charge don't punch sorority girls.
And can we get separate checks?
Or do they?
Separate checks? (laughs)
Do I look like a mathologist to you?
Is that a problem? 'Cause I'd hate to
have to say something on Yelp.
Yelp? Caroline checks that more than she Googles herself.
Uh, not a problem at all.
Drinks and separate checks--
(laughs) whatever that is-- coming right up!
Thanks! You're the cutest.
No, you are.
Looks like someone's in the weeds
and not just smoking it for a change.
Don't just kneel there, bring these drinks out.
I have to learn all of math in ten minutes.
All right, I'll stay.
But only because I want you to see how it feels
when the shoe is on the--
Serve the damn drinks!
She gets it.
How long you been working at this Fridays, sonny?
Uh, is everything all right?
You've been to the bathroom nine times.
Are you a drug addict?
"Candy Crush" junkie?
We can deal with it together.
I'm sorry, Bobby, but you know how turtles can sense
if their turtle best friend is stuck upside down
on its shell, its turtle legs all wiggling in the air?
So it is drugs.
Good. "Candy Crush" is tough.
We went through that with my mom.
It's a killer. We almost lost our house.
No, Max and I are the turtles.
And I can feel she's trapped on her back at the dessert bar.
All right, look, I don't know Max that well.
But I've gotten to know you a little bit
and you have a really good,
really beautiful head on your shoulders.
You trusted Max. You should trust your own instincts.
You're right. I do have a nice shaped head.
And I'm gonna stop worrying that she might
-burn the bar down. -Good. What?
Seriously? I put a ton of work into that place.
(laughs)
You know what? This movie sucks.
Let's get out of here and go get some dessert.
I know a great place.
That is so sweet.
And I was so worried you'd think I was crazy.
Oh, you're bananas.
But I like bananas.
Not the fruit. The texture grosses me out.
But you.
I could kiss you for that.
You know, you actually could.
You're right, I can.
(siren wailing)
Yeah, we should get out of here.
(indistinct chatter)
Hello? It's taking longer than it took me to almost graduate.
Just hang onto your hair extensions.
(gasps)
They're obvious?
My turtle sense was right.
Max is on her back and she's not under a boy turtle.
Maybe she's all right. I don't smell fire
and everyone's shoulders are still in their sockets.
Why are separate checks taking so long?
Can we please get our change?
Um, you put the apps on Bunny's bill, right?
'Cause she ate the most, as per ush.
Stop telling people I eat!
Stop telling people my LSAT scores.
Stop talking! Now I have to start over.
I have a lot of numbers in my head and they're all angry.
I have to help her. Separate checks?
Max calls 13 "ten three."
Caroline, wait. Let her try and handle this on her own.
Otherwise, we'll never be able to go on a second date.
But she really nee--
There's gonna be a second date?
Okay, listen up, everybody!
Calm down!
Here's what we're gonna do instead of separate checks:
I'm not good at math, but I have been
a negotiations expert for ten three years.
Ashley, you're gonna get $6 from Bunny's PayPal account
and she's gonna do your nails.
Bunny, you're gonna Venmo Amber $20
And she's gonna let you borrow her gay friend Dave
for your sister's wed. Everybody good?
You've got ten three minutes to decide.
We're good.
Okay, problem solved.
Max, that was amazing.
I knew you could do that on your own.
No you didn't, you were spying on me.
Her turtle sense went off.
Is it strange that I'm a little sad that you don't need me?
I didn't say I don't need you, but you are a little sad.
Earl, it was a pleasure waiting tables at your side.
You and I have a chemistry you can't make in a lab.
You have a real strange way of talking to dudes.
(chuckles) Uh, hi.
Did you guys know there are two naked people
eating chicken off each other in there?
What? I haven't chicken-proofed those sinks.
All right, I'm closing my eyes and then I'm coming in.
Isn't he brave?
So did he bravely go where no man has gone before?
Under your sweater?
No, but we were smooching in the movie.
(gasps) Shut up!
-No, you shut up. -No, really,
shut your damn mouth, I'm exhausted.
(cash register dings)
(rock music)
* *