1 00:00:01,135 --> 00:00:05,139 (upbeat music) 2 00:00:05,173 --> 00:00:09,043 Oh, my God, the customers are nakey. 3 00:00:09,077 --> 00:00:10,578 Thank God you're seeing it too. 4 00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:15,116 I thought my X-ray vision was back. 5 00:00:15,149 --> 00:00:18,286 God bless the annual naked bike ride. 6 00:00:18,319 --> 00:00:19,453 And where's Oleg? 7 00:00:19,487 --> 00:00:21,522 This is the first lunch rush in years. 8 00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:24,125 Uh, the guy at table three needs some water 9 00:00:24,158 --> 00:00:26,827 and has an ass mole that should really get looked at, 10 00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,496 but not by me. 11 00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:35,636 Oleg, you're doing the naked bike ride too? 12 00:00:35,669 --> 00:00:39,173 The naked what? 13 00:00:39,207 --> 00:00:41,175 Okay, gang. 14 00:00:41,209 --> 00:00:42,576 Let's hit the road. 15 00:00:42,610 --> 00:00:43,577 (gasps) 16 00:00:43,611 --> 00:00:44,712 Ugh, oh! 17 00:00:44,745 --> 00:00:46,214 Ooh, ah! 18 00:00:46,247 --> 00:00:47,381 I don't know where to look now. 19 00:00:47,415 --> 00:00:48,816 Nothing's good. 20 00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:55,523 Well, now we have to burn this place down. 21 00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:57,625 (Peter Bjorn and John) * Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh 22 00:00:57,658 --> 00:00:59,360 [cash register bell dings] 23 00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:05,133 * Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh 24 00:01:09,237 --> 00:01:10,604 Don't try and stop me. 25 00:01:10,638 --> 00:01:13,174 I'll Mountain Dew it. 26 00:01:13,207 --> 00:01:16,877 You know I'm crazy when I'm all Coked up. 27 00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:18,779 So I heard a lot of noise 28 00:01:18,812 --> 00:01:20,381 coming from your room last night. 29 00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:22,250 And since I know that bat is dead, 30 00:01:22,283 --> 00:01:25,119 because it had a heart attack on my pillow, 31 00:01:25,153 --> 00:01:27,621 I assume you had a gentleman caller? 32 00:01:27,655 --> 00:01:29,157 He wasn't a gentleman, 33 00:01:29,190 --> 00:01:32,426 but he did wear a monocle while we did it. 34 00:01:32,460 --> 00:01:35,796 Well, you had a much more exciting night than I did. 35 00:01:35,829 --> 00:01:39,167 Both of my legs fell asleep on the toilet. 36 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,235 Then so did I. 37 00:01:41,269 --> 00:01:43,771 So you aren't gonna see him again? 38 00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:45,439 Well, we know every time Earl walks away, 39 00:01:45,473 --> 00:01:46,707 there's a chance of that. 40 00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:50,178 I have an announcement. 41 00:01:50,211 --> 00:01:52,246 Whoever keeps putting peanut butter in my desk, 42 00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:53,247 stop. 43 00:01:53,281 --> 00:01:54,915 I'm allergic. 44 00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:56,717 And I'm closing the diner Sunday. 45 00:01:58,319 --> 00:02:00,421 Well, we had a good run. 46 00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:01,855 No, we didn't. 47 00:02:01,889 --> 00:02:03,591 Let's scavenge, people! 48 00:02:04,825 --> 00:02:06,160 Bye, y'all! 49 00:02:06,194 --> 00:02:08,396 Where do we keep the money at? 50 00:02:08,429 --> 00:02:11,332 (paper shredder whirring) 51 00:02:11,365 --> 00:02:12,366 What? 52 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:13,601 I don't want our meat order 53 00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:16,604 to fall into the wrong hands. 54 00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,239 No, you pile of felons. 55 00:02:18,272 --> 00:02:20,741 I'm closing the diner for Sunday only. 56 00:02:20,774 --> 00:02:23,744 Well, I'm keeping this stuff anyway. 57 00:02:23,777 --> 00:02:25,713 And I really hate it. 58 00:02:25,746 --> 00:02:28,382 My new therapist, Gary, says that I need 59 00:02:28,416 --> 00:02:30,618 to take a day off to focus on myself. 60 00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:33,621 Did he give you a magnifying glass for that? 61 00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:35,756 Max, Gary says you use 62 00:02:35,789 --> 00:02:37,725 your toxic, mean-spirited jokes 63 00:02:37,758 --> 00:02:39,793 to keep people like me at a distance. 64 00:02:39,827 --> 00:02:41,395 You know what else works? 65 00:02:41,429 --> 00:02:42,896 Putting my hand on your forehead. 66 00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:45,233 Max, Gary also says 67 00:02:45,266 --> 00:02:46,534 you have a fear of intimacy 68 00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:49,237 stemming from your father abandoning you. 69 00:02:49,270 --> 00:02:51,639 To put it simply, you have daddy issues. 70 00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:53,774 The only daddy issues I have 71 00:02:53,807 --> 00:02:55,643 are of Rod Magazine. 72 00:02:55,676 --> 00:02:58,412 And there's no such thing as daddy issues. 73 00:02:58,446 --> 00:03:00,814 If there was, why would my daughter be married 74 00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:03,451 to a forgetful older man named Burl? 75 00:03:04,585 --> 00:03:06,287 What did Gary say about me, Han? 76 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:08,689 Were the words "Eliza Doolittle" used? 77 00:03:08,722 --> 00:03:11,659 Well, you certainly do little, 78 00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:12,960 but actually, you didn't come up. 79 00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:15,296 You don't come up to my knees. 80 00:03:15,329 --> 00:03:16,964 See? That's the kind of material you need 81 00:03:16,997 --> 00:03:18,599 to get a shout-out. 82 00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:21,235 Hey, everybody! 83 00:03:23,871 --> 00:03:27,875 Barbara just smiled politely at her first ugly baby. 84 00:03:27,908 --> 00:03:32,580 Oh, I could learn some manners from her. 85 00:03:32,613 --> 00:03:34,848 Sophie, it's really not nice to call a baby "ugly." 86 00:03:34,882 --> 00:03:36,717 Shut up! 87 00:03:36,750 --> 00:03:39,553 Oh, I mean... 88 00:03:39,587 --> 00:03:40,621 (cheerfully) Shut up! 89 00:03:41,789 --> 00:03:43,324 Good news, Sophie. 90 00:03:43,357 --> 00:03:44,592 I don't have to work here 91 00:03:44,625 --> 00:03:46,994 or Bubzie's Hideaway this Sunday. 92 00:03:47,027 --> 00:03:48,362 We can get a babysitter 93 00:03:48,396 --> 00:03:49,730 and spend the whole day together. 94 00:03:49,763 --> 00:03:52,032 Well, if you're suggesting 95 00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:54,668 that we have sex at the dog track again, 96 00:03:54,702 --> 00:03:57,671 then I'm gonna tell you what I said at the dog track. 97 00:03:57,705 --> 00:03:59,807 (barking) 98 00:04:02,643 --> 00:04:04,712 Well, now we all need therapy. 99 00:04:06,814 --> 00:04:08,782 Oh, Bobby, I'm so sorry 100 00:04:08,816 --> 00:04:11,419 you have to go to your great aunt's funeral on Sunday. 101 00:04:11,452 --> 00:04:14,755 I really wanted to get lunch and some towels at Ikea. 102 00:04:14,788 --> 00:04:16,790 Ooh, if you're going to Ikea, 103 00:04:16,824 --> 00:04:18,759 can you get me a snars-vaten-woggen? 104 00:04:18,792 --> 00:04:20,761 I need a place to put my book light. 105 00:04:20,794 --> 00:04:22,963 Okay, I understand. 106 00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:24,898 I guess the real lesson is, 107 00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:28,068 don't lie about your weight on a hot-air balloon. 108 00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:30,371 I am so, so sorry... 109 00:04:30,404 --> 00:04:33,541 that I had to listen to that horrible phone conversation. 110 00:04:33,574 --> 00:04:35,809 You know, Max, it's actually a good thing 111 00:04:35,843 --> 00:04:38,312 that Bobby's aunt died tragically. 112 00:04:38,346 --> 00:04:39,680 Now we can do inventory here 113 00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:41,048 and get ahead on our books on Sunday. 114 00:04:41,081 --> 00:04:42,683 Only you could turn a death 115 00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:43,884 into something depressing. 116 00:04:45,486 --> 00:04:48,422 (chuckles) Speaking of something depressing. 117 00:04:48,456 --> 00:04:50,691 I just came by to let you know 118 00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:51,725 you're late for the diner, 119 00:04:51,759 --> 00:04:52,893 and you know, Max, 120 00:04:52,926 --> 00:04:55,463 I had a working brunch with Gary, 121 00:04:55,496 --> 00:04:56,897 and he made a good point 122 00:04:56,930 --> 00:04:58,999 as he pretended to reach for the check. 123 00:04:59,032 --> 00:05:01,469 He said it was unfair of me 124 00:05:01,502 --> 00:05:02,736 to bring up your problems 125 00:05:02,770 --> 00:05:04,905 without offering a solution. 126 00:05:04,938 --> 00:05:08,041 You need to talk to your father. 127 00:05:08,075 --> 00:05:11,845 Han, you are really overstepping your boundaries, 128 00:05:11,879 --> 00:05:14,648 which is really rude, because that's my job. 129 00:05:14,682 --> 00:05:16,450 Uh, it's fine. 130 00:05:16,484 --> 00:05:17,618 Yeah, go ahead, Han. 131 00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:18,986 Try and find my father. 132 00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:21,355 I don't know his name, where he lives, 133 00:05:21,389 --> 00:05:24,024 or where he gets dialysis, I'm assuming. 134 00:05:24,057 --> 00:05:25,593 So good luck with that. 135 00:05:25,626 --> 00:05:27,060 Here's his name and number. 136 00:05:27,094 --> 00:05:29,029 He lives in Rhode Island, 137 00:05:29,062 --> 00:05:31,632 America's least exciting state. 138 00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:34,668 How did you find that? 139 00:05:34,702 --> 00:05:36,537 That is way over the line, 140 00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:38,572 and I really wish it was me who had done it. 141 00:05:38,606 --> 00:05:41,074 Unlike Max in high school, 142 00:05:41,108 --> 00:05:43,377 it wasn't easy. 143 00:05:43,411 --> 00:05:45,546 I called the hospital for her birth certificate, 144 00:05:45,579 --> 00:05:47,415 which led me to the hall of records, 145 00:05:47,448 --> 00:05:49,417 which then led me to some forced necking 146 00:05:49,450 --> 00:05:51,719 with a clerk named Shelley. 147 00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:53,687 Sadly, it was a dead end. 148 00:05:53,721 --> 00:05:55,088 So Gary got it for me. 149 00:05:55,122 --> 00:05:57,024 His sister's a psychic for the police. 150 00:05:58,492 --> 00:06:01,429 So are you gonna call your dad 151 00:06:01,462 --> 00:06:03,664 after all that hard work Han and I did 152 00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:05,433 to find his number? 153 00:06:05,466 --> 00:06:06,734 I don't know. 154 00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:08,101 This is a huge decision, and I really want 155 00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:09,470 to think this through. 156 00:06:09,503 --> 00:06:11,972 Max, I think that's a really smart 157 00:06:12,005 --> 00:06:12,973 and mature decis-- 158 00:06:13,006 --> 00:06:14,508 Thought about it. 159 00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:18,979 Okay, we're missing 160 00:06:19,012 --> 00:06:20,013 two bottles of tequila, 161 00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:21,449 but I did find a bloody knife, 162 00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:23,651 so that's a wrap on inventory. 163 00:06:23,684 --> 00:06:24,785 Oh, thank God. 164 00:06:24,818 --> 00:06:25,786 I've been killing myself 165 00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:27,154 with all this paperwork. 166 00:06:27,187 --> 00:06:31,024 It took me 30 minutes to make this hat. 167 00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:33,627 Max, I know what's really going on here. 168 00:06:33,661 --> 00:06:35,529 You're trying to hide it by doing origami, 169 00:06:35,563 --> 00:06:37,831 but you're really thinking about contacting your dad. 170 00:06:37,865 --> 00:06:39,633 Uh, actually, I was thinking 171 00:06:39,667 --> 00:06:41,068 about where I left my bloody knife, 172 00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:43,170 but you solved that mystery. 173 00:06:43,203 --> 00:06:46,440 So now I'm thinking about wrestling. 174 00:06:46,474 --> 00:06:48,509 Wrestling with your emotions? 175 00:06:48,542 --> 00:06:50,644 No, with Jeremy Piven. 176 00:06:50,678 --> 00:06:52,946 Short arms. I can take him. 177 00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:56,183 Well, in the off-chance you do want to contact your father, 178 00:06:56,216 --> 00:06:59,086 I used my amazing jigsaw puzzle talents 179 00:06:59,119 --> 00:07:01,522 to put his number back together. 180 00:07:01,555 --> 00:07:03,991 I was runner-up in Jigsaw Palooza 2003. 181 00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:05,526 Oh, thank God. 182 00:07:05,559 --> 00:07:06,794 Thank you, Caroline... 183 00:07:06,827 --> 00:07:09,530 for letting me rip this up again. 184 00:07:09,563 --> 00:07:11,131 You know, I hate to say this, 185 00:07:11,164 --> 00:07:13,200 but Han's not wrong. 186 00:07:13,233 --> 00:07:14,668 How dare you? 187 00:07:14,702 --> 00:07:16,136 Let me finish. 188 00:07:16,169 --> 00:07:18,839 Maybe you do have some intimacy issues. 189 00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:21,575 I mean, you haven't really dated anyone since Randy, 190 00:07:21,609 --> 00:07:24,111 and I still don't have a key to our apartment. 191 00:07:24,144 --> 00:07:27,114 I gave you that screwdriver. It works. 192 00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:29,617 You're not even a little curious to meet him? 193 00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:32,586 I guess maybe a little. 194 00:07:32,620 --> 00:07:35,122 Maybe it'll explain some of the more disturbing things about me, 195 00:07:35,155 --> 00:07:38,258 like how I prefer Cocoa Pebbles over Fruity Pebbles. 196 00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:41,629 Yes! You can finally get those answers. 197 00:07:41,662 --> 00:07:43,931 I say we go now, before you change your mind. 198 00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:45,733 Should we steal some snacks from the diner 199 00:07:45,766 --> 00:07:47,167 before we steal Han's car? 200 00:07:49,770 --> 00:07:51,004 MAX: Earl, what are you doing here? 201 00:07:51,038 --> 00:07:52,606 You know you're off today, right? 202 00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:55,275 Uh, I forgot my weed here. 203 00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:56,877 Then I smoked it. 204 00:07:56,910 --> 00:07:59,046 And now it doesn't matter where I am. 205 00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:01,782 * Squee, diddly-doo 206 00:08:03,551 --> 00:08:06,920 I'm not working on my Gary-prescribed day off. 207 00:08:06,954 --> 00:08:10,223 I just swung by to-- to meet a friend... 208 00:08:10,257 --> 00:08:12,860 named Friendo. 209 00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:14,662 He's Italian. 210 00:08:14,695 --> 00:08:15,863 What are you doing here? 211 00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:18,065 We're going to meet Max's dad. 212 00:08:18,098 --> 00:08:19,066 Because of me. 213 00:08:19,099 --> 00:08:20,601 It's my thing now. 214 00:08:20,634 --> 00:08:23,003 So you're giving up your other thing? 215 00:08:23,036 --> 00:08:24,204 Complimenting yourself 216 00:08:24,237 --> 00:08:25,573 while the customers starve? 217 00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:28,942 Earl, why don't you come with? 218 00:08:28,976 --> 00:08:31,111 I want my real dad to meet my birth dad. 219 00:08:31,144 --> 00:08:33,714 Sure. Which one am I again? 220 00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:36,550 Can I come too? 221 00:08:36,584 --> 00:08:38,218 Gary would love to hear about the man 222 00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:40,087 responsible for my misery. 223 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:42,856 Isn't that the cartoonist who erased half your body? 224 00:08:44,892 --> 00:08:46,827 Ugh, great. 225 00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:49,963 Other looters got here first. 226 00:08:49,997 --> 00:08:52,299 This is what happens when you stop for snacks 227 00:08:52,332 --> 00:08:55,102 on your way to stop for more snacks. 228 00:08:55,135 --> 00:08:57,971 We're going for a romantic ride in the country. 229 00:08:58,005 --> 00:09:01,041 We're looking for a farm where we can do it. 230 00:09:01,074 --> 00:09:03,143 We were just gonna ask Han to drive us to Rhode Island, 231 00:09:03,176 --> 00:09:04,144 but this is better. 232 00:09:04,177 --> 00:09:05,345 With your minivan, 233 00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:07,014 we can sit much further from the driver. 234 00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:10,017 Rhode Island? 235 00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:12,753 Are we gonna bury a dead body? 236 00:09:12,786 --> 00:09:14,622 No, but I am coming, 237 00:09:14,655 --> 00:09:17,090 so don't get any ideas. 238 00:09:17,124 --> 00:09:20,327 Well, I haven't been in a van with this many weirdos 239 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:22,229 since the second time I got kidnapped. 240 00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:27,034 All right, your dad just confirmed. 241 00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:29,670 We're meeting him at 4:00 at the Rhode Island Diner. 242 00:09:29,703 --> 00:09:32,706 Max's reunion with her father is really humming along 243 00:09:32,740 --> 00:09:34,708 since I took the reins from Han. 244 00:09:34,742 --> 00:09:36,043 Don't kid yourself. 245 00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:37,377 I laid the groundwork. 246 00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:38,646 Don't kid yourself. 247 00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:40,347 You've never laid anything. 248 00:09:40,380 --> 00:09:43,116 Oleg, shouldn't we be getting off at the next exit? 249 00:09:43,150 --> 00:09:47,320 Do you think we should exit at 33B, Misty? 250 00:09:47,354 --> 00:09:49,790 FEMALE ELECTRONIC VOICE: Ooh, that exit is closed 251 00:09:49,823 --> 00:09:52,660 for construction, naughty boy. 252 00:09:52,693 --> 00:09:55,228 Since we're having a day off from Barbara, 253 00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:57,865 I put the GPS on XXX. 254 00:09:58,999 --> 00:10:01,969 Can't a woman just talk to you? 255 00:10:02,002 --> 00:10:04,237 This is why we march. 256 00:10:04,271 --> 00:10:07,374 How about a fun car game? 257 00:10:07,407 --> 00:10:09,409 I spy with my little eye 258 00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:11,645 something that is black. 259 00:10:11,679 --> 00:10:14,882 You better watch yourself, son. 260 00:10:14,915 --> 00:10:18,018 No, I was referring to... 261 00:10:18,051 --> 00:10:19,052 pass. 262 00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:21,388 Max, are you nervous? 263 00:10:21,421 --> 00:10:23,891 You have that nervous metallic smell you get 264 00:10:23,924 --> 00:10:26,126 when you find out 7-Eleven's out of hot dogs. 265 00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:28,195 No. 266 00:10:28,228 --> 00:10:31,264 I keep a lot of nickels in these pants. 267 00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:34,201 (screaming) 268 00:10:39,707 --> 00:10:41,441 Sophie, are you okay? 269 00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:45,312 Yeah, that's just how I wake up. 270 00:10:45,345 --> 00:10:48,315 Are you okay? 271 00:10:48,348 --> 00:10:49,950 FEMALE ELECTRONIC VOICE: Ooh, ah! 272 00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:51,719 Bear right at the next exit. 273 00:10:51,752 --> 00:10:52,920 Just like that. 274 00:10:52,953 --> 00:10:54,722 Don't stop! 275 00:10:54,755 --> 00:10:56,790 Okay, Misty. 276 00:10:56,824 --> 00:11:00,327 I think I went to hair school with your GPS. 277 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,195 FEMALE ELECTRONIC VOICE: Object ahead. 278 00:11:02,229 --> 00:11:05,198 Slow down, big boy. 279 00:11:05,232 --> 00:11:06,266 (muffled thump) 280 00:11:07,367 --> 00:11:09,202 Uh-oh, I hit a squirrel 281 00:11:09,236 --> 00:11:11,338 or John Travolta's toupee. 282 00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:14,407 Either way, its legs are still moving. 283 00:11:14,441 --> 00:11:18,245 (screaming) 284 00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:20,113 Oh, gosh. 285 00:11:20,147 --> 00:11:22,149 I must have fallen asleep again. 286 00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:26,820 * 287 00:11:26,854 --> 00:11:27,821 Hey, Han? 288 00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:30,157 How do you say "hang in there" 289 00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:31,959 in squirrel? 290 00:11:31,992 --> 00:11:35,428 (chittering) 291 00:11:35,462 --> 00:11:38,065 I learned it on Zoboomafoo. 292 00:11:38,098 --> 00:11:40,901 Sophie, next time you scoop up a wounded animal 293 00:11:40,934 --> 00:11:42,269 with a donut box, 294 00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:44,404 make sure everyone's had one first. 295 00:11:44,437 --> 00:11:47,808 Aww, he's resting comfortably on a cruller. 296 00:11:47,841 --> 00:11:49,910 Living my dream, buddy. 297 00:11:49,943 --> 00:11:51,444 He won't die, right? 298 00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:54,147 It's illegal to kill squirrels in the Ukraine. 299 00:11:54,181 --> 00:11:57,150 Ever since Putin had them trained as spies. 300 00:11:57,184 --> 00:11:59,953 There's an animal hospital nearby. 301 00:11:59,987 --> 00:12:02,422 Put the address in the sexy GPS lady. 302 00:12:02,455 --> 00:12:04,491 I don't care where we go, 303 00:12:04,524 --> 00:12:07,027 I just want to hear what she does 304 00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:10,463 when we arrive at our destination. 305 00:12:10,497 --> 00:12:12,933 Not to be that person, 306 00:12:12,966 --> 00:12:14,301 but I'm in charge now, 307 00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:16,970 and this trip is about Max meeting her dad, 308 00:12:17,004 --> 00:12:19,039 not saving a squirrel's life. 309 00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:21,074 -(gasps) -Squirrel hater! 310 00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:23,476 (all shouting) 311 00:12:23,510 --> 00:12:24,945 Let's just take him with us. 312 00:12:24,978 --> 00:12:26,513 If this diner's anything like ours, 313 00:12:26,546 --> 00:12:29,082 there'd be tons of other rodents for him to play with. 314 00:12:29,116 --> 00:12:30,283 FEMALE ELECTRONIC VOICE: Your destination 315 00:12:30,317 --> 00:12:33,821 is in 4,800 inches. 316 00:12:33,854 --> 00:12:36,824 I had her convert everything to inches. 317 00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:38,525 Makes our trip sound bigger, doesn't it? 318 00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:42,262 We should plan a march. 319 00:12:45,933 --> 00:12:50,570 (upbeat music) 320 00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:52,105 Table for, uh... 321 00:12:52,139 --> 00:12:53,473 for two. 322 00:12:53,506 --> 00:12:56,443 And the cast of American Horror Story: Minivan 323 00:12:56,476 --> 00:12:58,812 will be in a separate booth. 324 00:12:58,846 --> 00:13:00,013 Ooh, do you mind? 325 00:13:00,047 --> 00:13:01,114 I'm pretty hungry. 326 00:13:01,148 --> 00:13:02,115 My donut is covered 327 00:13:02,149 --> 00:13:04,284 in squirrel slobber. 328 00:13:04,317 --> 00:13:06,153 You can't bring outside food in here. 329 00:13:06,186 --> 00:13:07,454 It's not food. 330 00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:09,489 It's a severely injured squirrel. 331 00:13:09,522 --> 00:13:10,958 All right, well, sit wherever. 332 00:13:10,991 --> 00:13:13,260 Just don't let it out of the box. 333 00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:14,527 Do you see that, Earl? 334 00:13:14,561 --> 00:13:16,463 He's firm but fair. 335 00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:23,036 You look like a young Earl. 336 00:13:23,070 --> 00:13:25,572 No, I'm Steve. 337 00:13:25,605 --> 00:13:27,507 That was young Earl's name! 338 00:13:32,079 --> 00:13:33,847 Hey, everybody! 339 00:13:35,048 --> 00:13:39,186 Uh, I'm just going in. 340 00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:44,057 I told your dad to look for a pretty blonde girl 341 00:13:44,091 --> 00:13:45,592 whose hair is a little longer than a bob 342 00:13:45,625 --> 00:13:47,594 but shorter than shoulder-length. 343 00:13:47,627 --> 00:13:50,898 Oh, I forgot to tell him what you look like. 344 00:13:50,931 --> 00:13:52,532 Well, I have no idea what he looks like. 345 00:13:52,565 --> 00:13:56,136 I always imagined Louis CK, but not as hot. 346 00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:58,305 Maybe you do have daddy issues. 347 00:13:58,338 --> 00:14:02,175 On the plus side, we will never like the same guy. 348 00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:04,311 Gary says when Max sees her dad, 349 00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:06,413 she's going to get very emotional. 350 00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:07,647 She could get happy, 351 00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,082 then sad. 352 00:14:09,116 --> 00:14:10,550 Basically, hide your forks. 353 00:14:10,583 --> 00:14:12,252 (squirrel chattering) 354 00:14:12,285 --> 00:14:13,253 Oh. 355 00:14:13,286 --> 00:14:15,322 He peed again. 356 00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:16,323 Oh, Lord, 357 00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:18,658 am I peeing? 358 00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:21,661 But these are my best pants. 359 00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:26,199 He peed so much, he turned this donut box into a pool. 360 00:14:26,233 --> 00:14:29,602 He's really putting the "ew" in cruller. 361 00:14:29,636 --> 00:14:32,372 Max, if you want privacy when your dad gets here, 362 00:14:32,405 --> 00:14:34,074 I can go sit in that other booth. 363 00:14:34,107 --> 00:14:35,642 Can you do that now? 364 00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:40,180 Look alive, everyone! 365 00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:41,314 It's the moment 366 00:14:41,348 --> 00:14:43,016 we've always been waiting for. 367 00:14:43,050 --> 00:14:44,084 At least since Tuesday, 368 00:14:44,117 --> 00:14:45,118 when Gary suggested it. 369 00:14:45,152 --> 00:14:47,254 Then I took over. 370 00:14:47,287 --> 00:14:49,156 Max, make sure you look at me when you hug him. 371 00:14:49,189 --> 00:14:50,958 Oh, that guy? I hope not. 372 00:14:50,991 --> 00:14:53,660 No daddy, no daddy, no daddy. 373 00:14:53,693 --> 00:14:55,395 What was wrong with him? 374 00:14:55,428 --> 00:14:57,064 (sighs) Besides his jeans, 375 00:14:57,097 --> 00:15:00,300 arms, legs, face, and overall vibe? 376 00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:01,969 You know it would be bad 377 00:15:02,002 --> 00:15:03,403 if you were attracted to him, right? 378 00:15:03,436 --> 00:15:09,109 * 379 00:15:09,142 --> 00:15:11,278 You know, I was a cashier 380 00:15:11,311 --> 00:15:12,479 when I was your age. 381 00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:14,481 Yeah? What do you do now? 382 00:15:14,514 --> 00:15:16,683 -Cashier. -(laughs) 383 00:15:16,716 --> 00:15:18,285 -But this is just temporary. -Temporary. 384 00:15:18,318 --> 00:15:20,320 -No, I have actual dreams. -Dreams. 385 00:15:20,353 --> 00:15:21,521 No, seriously, man. 386 00:15:21,554 --> 00:15:23,156 -I play saxophone. -Saxophone. 387 00:15:23,190 --> 00:15:24,357 I quit. 388 00:15:24,391 --> 00:15:27,160 Attaboy. 389 00:15:27,194 --> 00:15:28,695 You know, Han, 390 00:15:28,728 --> 00:15:32,099 you should get your chef to make flapjacks like this. 391 00:15:32,132 --> 00:15:34,367 He does enough flapping and jacking on his own. 392 00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:37,404 I think this squirrel's asleep. 393 00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:39,739 He's snoring and clutching his nuts. 394 00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:43,743 Aww, just like you do. 395 00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:46,313 Han, will you watch the squirrel 396 00:15:46,346 --> 00:15:48,615 so we can just have one minute to ourselves? 397 00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:51,384 No, I'm watching the door for Max's-- 398 00:15:51,418 --> 00:15:52,652 how do I put this nicely? 399 00:15:52,685 --> 00:15:55,522 "Monster who left her as a child." 400 00:15:55,555 --> 00:15:57,257 He's gonna be here. 401 00:15:57,290 --> 00:15:58,758 Why am I so positive? 402 00:15:58,791 --> 00:16:00,527 The only reason I know where my dad is 403 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:01,694 is 'cause he's in prison. 404 00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:07,500 Ooh, live one coming in. 405 00:16:07,534 --> 00:16:11,304 This guy looks like he's missed a few soccer games. 406 00:16:11,338 --> 00:16:14,107 If that jabroni is him, tell him I'm not here. 407 00:16:14,141 --> 00:16:16,409 Max, one of these losers 408 00:16:16,443 --> 00:16:18,545 is gonna be your dad. 409 00:16:18,578 --> 00:16:20,547 I mean, we're in Rhode Island. 410 00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:23,450 I'm gonna get a quick refill. 411 00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:25,618 I got it, hon. I'm in the industry. 412 00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:29,456 Caroline, I'm starting to think 413 00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:31,058 he's not going to show. 414 00:16:31,091 --> 00:16:33,026 You really screwed the pooch this time. 415 00:16:33,060 --> 00:16:34,194 Me? 416 00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:35,762 Yeah, this is your thing now. 417 00:16:35,795 --> 00:16:37,597 You took the reins, remember? 418 00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:38,598 You're Trevor Noah, 419 00:16:38,631 --> 00:16:40,267 and I'm Jon Stewart. 420 00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:41,401 I've got my Emmys. 421 00:16:41,434 --> 00:16:43,470 I'm done now. 422 00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:45,272 Well, you started this. 423 00:16:45,305 --> 00:16:48,308 And after I finally got her over Randy. 424 00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:50,477 The night terrors just stopped. 425 00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:52,245 I was terrified of her at night. 426 00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:56,283 You can sleep with a cheap Taser now. 427 00:16:56,316 --> 00:16:57,617 I already do. 428 00:16:57,650 --> 00:16:59,519 For the same reason! 429 00:16:59,552 --> 00:17:01,321 Quiet! 430 00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:03,223 The squirrel is sleeping. 431 00:17:03,256 --> 00:17:05,192 We just got him down. 432 00:17:05,225 --> 00:17:07,594 And we'd like to make out. 433 00:17:07,627 --> 00:17:09,662 I spilled a lot of syrup on myself. 434 00:17:11,331 --> 00:17:13,300 Let's just wake Earl up and get out of here. 435 00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:14,401 My dad's not coming. 436 00:17:14,434 --> 00:17:17,337 (snoring) 437 00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:19,339 Maybe your dad's still on his way. 438 00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:22,509 I heard traffic's building up on all the expressways. 439 00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:24,544 Kind of an ironic name, wouldn't you say? 440 00:17:24,577 --> 00:17:26,079 "Expressway"? 441 00:17:26,113 --> 00:17:27,780 More like "slow-way." 442 00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:29,282 This is Caroline's thing. 443 00:17:29,316 --> 00:17:31,418 Let's just go. 444 00:17:31,451 --> 00:17:32,752 I want to get back before Cinnabon 445 00:17:32,785 --> 00:17:34,387 gives away their day-olds. 446 00:17:34,421 --> 00:17:37,124 You know we own a dessert bar, right? 447 00:17:37,157 --> 00:17:39,126 Maybe he's still gonna come. 448 00:17:39,159 --> 00:17:41,694 If I know one thing about the man I know nothing about, 449 00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:42,695 he is not coming. 450 00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:44,364 Are you disappointed? 451 00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:46,633 No. 452 00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:48,368 A little. 453 00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:50,570 But maybe it's for the best he didn't come. 454 00:17:50,603 --> 00:17:52,639 This is why I didn't want to meet him, because whoever 455 00:17:52,672 --> 00:17:54,841 comes through that door is just gonna disappoint me. 456 00:17:54,874 --> 00:17:56,743 And this way, I get to imagine he's someone cool, 457 00:17:56,776 --> 00:17:58,545 like Burt Reynolds 458 00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:00,847 or Captain Crunch. 459 00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:02,282 So you're really okay? 460 00:18:02,315 --> 00:18:03,716 Yeah. 461 00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:04,784 We had a great day. 462 00:18:04,817 --> 00:18:07,854 Road trip, met a cool squirrel. 463 00:18:07,887 --> 00:18:09,422 I don't need another loser in my life. 464 00:18:09,456 --> 00:18:10,657 I have you guys. 465 00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:12,892 Gary! 466 00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,628 Max's father didn't show. 467 00:18:15,662 --> 00:18:17,230 How does that make me feel? 468 00:18:17,264 --> 00:18:18,565 Terrible! 469 00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:20,533 I don't think Han's handling it 470 00:18:20,567 --> 00:18:22,135 as well as I am. 471 00:18:22,169 --> 00:18:23,603 Honestly, if it were my thing, 472 00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:27,474 I would want to kill myself right now. 473 00:18:27,507 --> 00:18:30,143 She's hurt, and she's family to me. 474 00:18:30,177 --> 00:18:31,711 How does that make me feel? 475 00:18:31,744 --> 00:18:34,481 Like I should have gone to an out-of-network doctor! 476 00:18:34,514 --> 00:18:38,851 God, I made Han have a meltdown on my day off. 477 00:18:38,885 --> 00:18:40,420 You calm down, Gary! 478 00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:41,454 I won't count to ten. 479 00:18:41,488 --> 00:18:43,323 You count to ten, you bastard! 480 00:18:46,859 --> 00:18:48,861 Hey, welcome to the, uh... 481 00:18:48,895 --> 00:18:51,764 hey, uh, what the hell is this place called, anyway? 482 00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:53,766 Oh, my God. 483 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:56,836 Dad! 484 00:18:56,869 --> 00:18:57,870 Hold on, Gary. 485 00:18:57,904 --> 00:18:59,739 A vagrant that could very well 486 00:18:59,772 --> 00:19:01,741 be Max's father just walked in. 487 00:19:01,774 --> 00:19:03,876 Pretend you're my dad, and I'll give you 40 bucks. 488 00:19:03,910 --> 00:19:06,479 Throw in a joint, and we have a deal. 489 00:19:06,513 --> 00:19:08,281 Maybe you are my dad. 490 00:19:08,315 --> 00:19:10,350 Oh, no, I don't have kids. 491 00:19:10,383 --> 00:19:11,418 Too much pot. 492 00:19:11,451 --> 00:19:12,652 (laughs) 493 00:19:12,685 --> 00:19:15,222 Guys, this is my dad. 494 00:19:16,956 --> 00:19:19,759 I'm the hot girl's dad. 495 00:19:19,792 --> 00:19:22,562 Was anyone else expecting a cop? 496 00:19:22,595 --> 00:19:26,666 I mean, you know, for the irony. 497 00:19:26,699 --> 00:19:28,301 I'm Caroline. 498 00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:29,636 See, it's, like, not a bob, 499 00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:30,937 but it's not shoulder-length. 500 00:19:30,970 --> 00:19:33,473 I'm responsible for this reunion. 501 00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:34,741 Um, he's not really my dad. 502 00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:36,309 I'm doing this for Han. 503 00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:37,677 All right, everybody. 504 00:19:37,710 --> 00:19:39,979 Uh, my dad and I have had 505 00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:41,581 a heartwarming reunion, 506 00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:45,852 and now he has to get to a secret mission. 507 00:19:45,885 --> 00:19:47,887 In an exotic locale. 508 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:49,222 Sure. 509 00:19:50,390 --> 00:19:51,958 But I can't leave the county. 510 00:19:51,991 --> 00:19:55,928 Sure. Local secret mission. 511 00:19:55,962 --> 00:19:58,598 Hey, you seem like a nice kid. 512 00:19:58,631 --> 00:20:01,268 Your father should be proud. 513 00:20:01,301 --> 00:20:03,336 Thanks. 514 00:20:03,370 --> 00:20:05,472 Sorry about the outburst, Gary. 515 00:20:05,505 --> 00:20:08,908 You know it stems from my mother's expectations. 516 00:20:08,941 --> 00:20:12,645 (exhales) Thanks for doing this, Han. 517 00:20:12,679 --> 00:20:14,781 Anyone in the hug business? 518 00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:19,419 I didn't even flinch. 519 00:20:19,452 --> 00:20:21,954 We are making progress. 520 00:20:21,988 --> 00:20:22,955 You coming, Earl? 521 00:20:22,989 --> 00:20:23,990 Sure am. 522 00:20:24,023 --> 00:20:24,991 Don't want to get stuck 523 00:20:25,024 --> 00:20:26,959 being a cashier my whole life. 524 00:20:29,429 --> 00:20:32,365 SOPHIE: Oleg, you forgot the damn squirrel. 525 00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:37,604 Come on, little guy. 526 00:20:37,637 --> 00:20:39,372 We don't abandon anybody.