Table for two.
And don't worry, he just went.
So did the guy at booth three. (laughs)
Max, that cop has a drug-sniffing dog.
So, it was nice knowing you.
(gasps)
What's that, now?
-You're moving out? -Max, put that away!
It smells like Willie Nelson's bandana drawer in here.
Max, have you seen the olicepay ogday?
Uh, that pot was too strong.
There's a chipmunk talking to me.
Heavens, that's a drug-sniffing dog!
Earl will spend the rest of his life behind bars.
So, like, two weeks?
Earl, heads up. Narc dog at 1:00.
Or it might be 6:00.
But it's definitely 420.
So, she can bring that dog in here,
but I can't bring my emotional support hooker.
I can't watch a dog tear Earl to pieces.
Hey there, fella. Sit.
All right, now give me that paw.
Now here's what I got for you. There you go.
I have a way with dogs.
Well, my marijuana biscuits do.
That's why I call them Hush Puppies.
Hey, Han, if it's cool, me and the dog
are gonna go see the new Star Wars movie.
(Peter Bjorn and John) * Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
(cash register bell dings)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Max, guess what Bobby and I are doing tomorrow night?
Where have I been dying to go?
Besides a doctor's office that's not in a Chipotle.
Sorry, Dr. Pizza Hut has a waiting list.
Hey, everybody!
Oh, I'm worried that Barbara's not smart.
Yeah, she doesn't even return my e-mails.
I think she has Oleg's DNA.
So do most of the chairs in here.
That's why I bring my chair from home every day.
I mean, it's awkward on the subway,
but I don't wanna sit on those seats either.
Sophie, don't blame me. My family's very smart.
We won Family Feud in Ukraine,
and it takes intelligence to kill another family.
Who are we kidding?
You're a gorgeous moron.
But what are we gonna do with a dumb baby?
Maybe we should ask Han.
He's a dumb baby.
Hey, don't call Han a dumb baby.
He managed to pull that stupid vest
over his giant potato head all by himself.
Nope. I had to help him.
Starting to think the Splenda packet I came out for
wasn't worth it.
-Hey, gorgeous. -Hello, yourself, beautiful.
Bobby, great news--guess what we're doing tomorrow night?
Tomorrow night? I can't.
I have a hobby that I haven't told you about
because I don't think it's something you'll like.
Oh, so is your hobby getting to the point of a story quickly?
It's definitely not acknowledging
my new Caesar salad recipe.
Still waiting.
Still nauseous.
Well, I bet you Bobby's into doing dead people.
Yeah, he just has that look.
Bobby, for the love of God, just tell me.
Whatever hobby you have, it can't be worse than that.
Fine, Caroline, I'm just gonna come out and say it.
I like to bowl.
And you're sure you don't wanna
go with the dead people thing?
But bowling's just a hobby, right?
Something you only do--
Every Tuesday night.
I'm on a team. I have a locker at the alley.
And that tattoo I told you was the moon,
it's a bowling ball.
Why didn't you tell me?
We don't talk about me a lot.
I thought it would be more important
to tell you about my nut allergy when I had the floor.
You have a nut allergy?
Bowler? Nice!
I was on a bowling team in juvie.
We were called The Girls Who Escaped
when the Guards Took Us to the Bowling Alley.
That'd be hard to put on a shirt.
Oh, we didn't wear shirts.
Caroline, I knew bowling wouldn't be your thing.
You don't pronounce any of the Ns in Au Bon Pain.
That's because it's (in French accent) Au Bon Pain.
We can have separate things.
Bobby, you know what? Part of being in a relationship
is being open to trying new things.
And since I'm not ready to try being on top yet,
I'm gonna come watch you bowl tomorrow.
Really? Okay, great.
Hey, Max, you wanna come too?
Got some cute guys on my bowling team.
Well, just some guys that aren't that fat.
It's a bowling team.
Beer-based recreation? Men with curves?
Are we going to a bowling alley or heaven?
Max, I'm ready to go bowling.
You look like you're ready for a greaser
to feel you up at Make Out Point.
I've waited long enough to have a boyfriend.
I can learn to like anything.
I mean, it's not like it's bowling.
(gasps) Oh, my God, it's bowling!
Well, I loved it.
But I hung up my back brace after I bowled a 300.
I wanted to go out on top, like Rob Schneider.
(knock at door)
And from what I hear, apparently not you.
Hi, girls.
Yeah, Barbara's even dumber than I thought.
Yeah, she had a play date with the baby next door.
And he can read.
Jimmy?
He's 37.
He's a little person.
And a tax attorney.
Well, I did think it was odd that he lived alone.
We're taking Barbara bowling.
Between the flashing lights and the fist fights,
nothing's more stimulating for a baby's brain
than a bowling alley.
How about a book?
On bowling?
So, this is a bowling alley.
This actually isn't so bad. (bowling pins clatter)
What was that?
The sound of people going nowhere.
Hey!
If you're here for the sock hop, it was 40 years ago.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding. You look sexy.
Thank you. I'm here to support you
because this is what you love.
And what you love, I love. (bowling pins clatter)
That seriously has to stop.
Hey, this is Frank. He's the star of our team.
Tell 'em about yourself, Frank.
Well, I'm the star of our team.
I also enjoy dinner.
Yes! Cute and dumb.
Where have you been all my life?
Well, I was in high school for ten years.
All right, let's bowl. (bowling pins clatter)
Whoo!
We're going towards the sound? (bowling pins clatter)
Wow. A curtain on the sex booth?
Classy place. They had the same thing
on the sex booth where we voted.
You mean tried to vote.
I mean, I barely started pulling your lever
before they kicked us out.
Barbara, Barbara, what do you think?
You feel smarter yet?
You know what? This baby's harder to read
than Chelsea Handler's memoir.
Oh, look, Oleg. She likes the claw machine.
This is the first thing she's been interested in
since she saw that lady fall down the stairs in our building.
(laughs) That was hilarious.
She was carrying a casserole bowl.
You know, I am gonna win her a stuffed animal
and show her we may not be geniuses,
but damn it, we can operate tiny cranes.
Now what's this knobby thing do?
So this is the rest of our team. Bernie, Lynette,
there's Frank again, who's currently trying
to drink a Sprite through a wrapped straw.
So cute how he doesn't know stuff.
And these are the bowling wives. No offense, Wayne.
Oh, none taken. I'm a pair of sensible earrings
away from being my mother.
So this is the practice for the title game tomorrow night.
We win that, we get to go to the championships in Detroit.
We win that, we get to leave Detroit.
Oh, cool, I still have to pick up my last check from Chrysler.
He was my pimp.
Uh, do the bowling wives have to go to that--
get to come to that?
Sure, that'd be great.
This could be our thing. You could be my bowling wife.
Before I say yes, is there any way
the bar here serves white wine?
Well, this is what couples do for each other, right?
I'm sure your spouses support you
in whatever's important to you.
Bernie missed my swearing in as a Federal judge last week.
But he bowled a 180, so it was worth it.
Today's my birthday. I'm one year cancer free.
Lynette didn't even know I was sick.
Let's go, Frank. Shake it for mama!
Those ten years in high school did nothing for him.
(cheering)
I'm up. Good luck two-step.
* Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm
Let's go, Bobby! Do a good jobby!
If Frank does a good jobby, I might just give him one.
B-O-B-B-Y, I could be his alibi.
'Cause he's bowling. He's bowling.
(cheering)
Hey, hey. You wanna cut that out?
We want them to lose. If they win tomorrow,
the season goes on for two more months.
Haven't we already been here two months?
The foot spray plays games with your mind.
Max, can you come sniff me?
I was hoping the sewer smell from our shower
would cover the stink from the bowling alley,
but I think they just joined forces.
If you keep smelling like sewers and bowling alleys,
we're gonna have to have sex.
Well, unfortunately for you,
I won't be smelling like a bowling alley anymore
because I'm gonna tell Bobby that bowling
should be his thing.
And waiting for him cutely at home will be mine.
Wow. Onto something interesting,
Frank came over last night.
You guys had sex?
I didn't hear you ring your sex bell.
Well, we tried to, but he just seemed confused
so I let him go to sleep.
But I did put those hands to work.
I didn't hear your hand stuff buzzer.
I had him work on my laces.
You didn't hear my laces kazoo?
Hey, Max?
I got all the knots out of your shoes.
If I can teach him how to have sex and how to climb onto a bed,
I'm locking this down.
Hey, thought I'd surprise you, bring you some coffee.
-Oh. -Bobby, what are you doing here?
This isn't the bowling alley.
Well, I'm glad I found him. His mom was looking for him.
Come on, Frank, let's go. We gotta get ready for the game.
Bye. I'll see you later at the alley.
No--okay.
So, can I call you? (crunching)
-Ow! -(gasps)
Please tell me that wasn't his bowling hand.
Caroline, what did you do to Frank?
He's our best player.
It was totally an accident.
I support your hobby. I was looking forward
to coming tonight and not waiting here, cutely.
I'm fine.
Is my pinky supposed to be my longest finger?
What are we gonna do?
Well, like I told the producers of Deadliest Catch,
looks like Captain Max is coming out of retirement.
Good thing I still have my bowling glove.
Max, that's an oven mitt.
That's how good I am.
No pressure, but if you blow this,
I may never get married.
Oh, please, I once had to bowl to get out of North Korea.
Max Black, Max Black!
She bowled to get her freedom back.
That is a very specific cheer.
(grunts)
(cheering)
Shabooya!
You like that, suckers?
Bowling is not just for guys with their third DUI anymore.
Max, that was amazing.
The strike, I mean--what you're doing now is very off-putting.
Well, it makes more sense if you imagine she's riding
a very small unicorn named Tito.
-Oh, yeah, yeah. -Yeah.
Look at this poor sucker.
I wasted $400 in quarters yesterday on this thing.
Good luck, kid. (laughs)
Oh. He won.
Well, between Earl's claw-like hand
and the fact that Han was born in one of these machines,
we've got a dream team here.
Now this is our Ocean's 1 1/2.
Now, you promised, if I win Barbara the stuffed animal,
you'll come to my live action Clue party.
I'll be playing Professor Plum.
Reimagined as an English dandy with a nose for trouble.
Great, and I'll play the butler who doesn't show up.
I mean, we're not going, right?
both: No!
You know I can hear you?
Well, then you know we're not going.
Max, Max, she's got spunk!
And she's only slightly drunk.
I haven't been slightly drunk in five beers.
(cheering)
I think we got this.
Thanks for horribly maiming Frank.
Two more pins and we're going to Detroit.
(sighs)
Waiting for my ball to drop.
Story of my life.
This guy knows what I'm talking about.
No, I don't.
Lemme get the ball for you, Max.
Look, like I said to you at that all-you-can-eat
Indian buffet, unless you wanna get bit, get out of the way.
And like I said to you at the Indian buffet,
I just want to be part of this.
(crunching) (screams)
Damn it, my fingies!
Max, I'm sorry!
-Caroline, what did you do? -(groaning)
You're doing more damage to the team
than when we tried to get separate checks
at Macaroni Grill.
Hey, if I don't drink, I don't pay.
Eh, this was my pickle-snatching hand.
Like I said at the Indian buffet,
I think we might need an ambulance.
(yells)
Wow, that was the craziest woman's room ever.
It was filled with urinals and men.
Wait a minute.
Hey, did you get the stuffed animal for Barbara yet?
No, but something more impressive happened.
And we're still not sure how.
Like I said when I was watching the OA,
what the hell am I looking at?
On the bright side, maybe she's not as dumb as you thought.
That claw machine is harder to get into than my neighbor Irene.
We looked away for two seconds.
Some 12-year-olds were making fun of Han,
so we piled on.
We gotta get her out of there.
All right. I'll keep her entertained
and you guys sneak up behind her with the claw.
Max, so you don't think it's broken, do you?
I know you've always wanted a hook,
but I don't wanna be the cause of it.
Is there any way you can use your left?
Out of the question. This one's just for show.
In an emergency, someone else can bowl for Max,
but since we're mid-game,
it must be someone of the same gender.
I was gonna see how this worked out before I dropped it on you.
I'm also league commissioner.
I'm sure one of you knows how to bowl.
Not to stereotype, but look at you.
Bowling wives! Bowling wives!
It's time to help our bowling guys.
Think we should help her, hon?
That's right, we're having an affair.
And no.
(sighs)
Yeah, they won't do it.
Is it too late to put Earl in a wig?
Oh, that takes hours.
And I don't have the glue on me.
We're gonna have to forfeit.
I guess I Can't Believe It's Not Gutter
is going to Detroit.
And I can't believe it.
No. I can do the bowling.
I have to because I think I'm years away from being on top.
I have vertigo.
You are amazing.
All you need is two pins.
And even if you don't get them,
I'll still love you.
But please get two pins.
Caroline, Caroline, she's on her own.
If she doesn't get this, she'll die alone.
Max, you know how much I hate that cheer.
May I please have a practice swoop on the court next door?
Everyone else got practice swoops.
Does she think rolling the ball down the lane
is called "swooping"?
I don't know. She calls sheets "bedding."
Uh, gutter ball. Someone's dying alone.
Oh, that was my bad.
I should have told you. Aim away from the gutters.
The gutters are the things on the sides.
Just--just focus on the center,
whip it back, and...
Or do that.
(shimmering tone)
(theme from Chariots of Fire)
*
(creaking)
(gasps)
(cheering)
Oh, my God!
The ten bases fell down!
I swooped them all!
That was incredible.
I hate to say it, but I had this crazy thought
that you were trying to sabotage the team
because you hate bowling.
I thought so, too!
There's someone down there.
Max?
You cheated!
You can't pin this on me.
How did Barbara get in the claw machine?
Well, we've ruled out magic.
Currently, our top theory is invisible gnomes.
Yeah, she may not be a genius,
but she goes after what she wants.
Like Oleg at Swingers Yoga.
What you really had to see was Sophie going in after her.
She was face down, Spanx up.
Man, it was wild.
All right, we better get going before they realize
we broke their claw machine and their sex booth
and two of the condom machines.
There's always next season.
We'll get back at it. I can work on some cheers.
You are never coming here again.
-Thank you! -(laughs)
Get a lane!
(sighs) Take it easy, Larry.
Those are my handcuffs.
(sighs) One day, I'll be able to
come to a bowling alley without leaving like this.
(cash register dings)