Then my wife bought a TV recorder
so she could fast-forward past the commercials.
Well, I like commercials. They tell me what to buy.
I'd tell you to buy another TV, Ed,
but I guess you wouldn't know which one to get
since you haven't seen the commercials.
I don't know what's new, I don't know what's improved,
I don't know what's for a limited time only...
Your days on this planet. Can we move on?
You don't need the commercials, Ed.
I think there's more underneath this.
All fascinating stuff. I showed Russell Brand
100 pairs of skinny jeans today.
He ends up buying jeggins.
Can I talk now?
Hold that thought, Patrick.
Ed, what do you think is really underneath your anger?
Yeah, say it. Get it out.
Get mad. Yell.
Nolan, just because you vicariously enjoy other people's anger
doesn't mean you should prod them.
I'm sorry.
Also, you're not invisible.
I think we all know what Ed's really angry about.
Just get to the brown people, old man.
It's always about the brown people.
It's not about the brown people, brown girl.
I just like commercials.
I've cried twice in the last 20 years.
One of them was about a commercial.
It was the one with those puppies and that Chinese kid.
I don't know whether they were trying to sell
the puppies or the Chinese kid.
But if that one don't get to you,
you're a freakin' robot.
Hey, he fooled us. He went yellow people.
No, no, no, no. This is good.
Ed is finally expressing some vulnerability.
It's peppered with racism,
but therapy is a marathon, not a sprint.
Well, either way, some kid from Kenya is going to win it.
Are you done? Good. Fine. My turn.
Sorry, Patrick. We're going to have to call it a day.
- Great session, gang. - What?
Well, we certainly learned
a lot about Ed today, didn't we?
That's the nature of group. Next time, it will be your turn.
Oh, no, no, no. We don't need to talk about me.
After all, there is no I in therapy.
There's just a Y, as in why do I bother?
Because of the P, which stands for the progress you're making,
and the H, which stands for, hey, I'll see you next week.
Hi, Dad.
Hi. Am I allowed to say hi to him?
No, no, just ignore me. That's what we're doing today.
Sync and corrections by Sp8ky for www.addic7ed.com.
Sorry, Charlie. I should have brought Sam in the back door.
I forgot you were doing group at your house.
You know, they look just like regular people.
So do you.
- By the way, you owe me $20. - For what?
That's your half for the SAT prep books we just bought for Sam.
- SAT prep books? - Mm-hmm.
You're in middle school. You don't take that test for another four years.
The competition is unreal.
I read that Asian-Americans
only make up 5.6% of the population,
but they make up 25%
of the kids in the top 10 schools.
Do you know how many times more likely they are
to get into a good school than I am?
No, but if I were an Asian kid, I could probably figure it out.
Look, you want to stand out?
Get some extracurricular activities. Start a club.
Yeah, I was in a club in high school.
Smoking in the bathroom is not a club.
The vice principal said it was a club.
He should know. He was there.
I have an idea. What about a college prep club?
You and the rest of your nerd army can get together
and talk about all the tests, the applications, the personal essays.
Personal essays? What am I going to write about?
The worst thing that has happened to me is your divorce,
and you guys insist on getting along.
Listen, kiddo.
Everything is going to be fine.
When the time comes, you're going to be totally prepared to do what you need to do.
- You really think so? - Nah.
It's just a load of crap my dad laid on me.
Now I'm passing it on to you.
- Sam, you forgot a book. - Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's okay. I'll give it to her.
Give it to me.
"Sabrina's Satin Surrender."
This is yours, isn't it?
It's a historical novel set against the backdrop of the Civil War.
One woman's heroic journey to find true love and defend her land
amidst the ashes of a bitter conflagration.
No, that's "Gone with the Wind."
This is just a spank book.
It is not a spank book.
How about a little support?
I'm just trying to broaden my horizons.
Okay, let's see how broad your horizons get in chapter two.
"Her breathing quickened as she felt his turgid manhood"
urge itself against her satin skirt.
These weren't the soft hands of an aristocrat.
"They were the calloused hands of a man who knew the plow."
And plow he does.
Oh, give me that. You're making it dirty.
- It is dirty. - Okay, you're making it creepy.
All I'm saying is why don't you read something worthwhile?
There are so many great books you haven't read, like...
all of them.
It's just harmless fun,
like all those women you were with when we were married.
Wow. "What are you reading?" just took a nasty turn.
Let's start over.
Oh, is this a historical novel about the Civil War?
Good for you, Jen.
- Thanks, Charlie. - I won't tell you who wins.
Oh, I know who wins.
Every soldier who comes in contact with Sabrina.
I know it's just a stupid romance novel,
but I can't let it go.
Well, it's not unusual for a woman
to be stimulated by reading.
Men and women are wired differently.
Men are visual, and women are,
you know, smart.
Hey, we're not only stimulated by dirty pictures.
We're not that crude.
If you're worried about me seeing your thighs, don't be.
Last night I used them as earmuffs.
No, I cannot wear this skirt to a televised trial.
You know, I mean, I am whoring myself out as an expert witness,
but I don't want to look like one of those hookers
this whack-job killed.
Allegedly. Damn it. I have to remember to say allegedly.
You might want to think twice about whack-job as well.
What is going on with me?
Maybe a romance novel fondled me as a child.
More likely you're hostile towards these novels
because they hold men to an unrealistic standard
- you feel you can't compete with. - You know what?
I think you're right.
Why are you taking off your pants?
- So we can have sex. - We don't have sex during sessions.
I thought we were done.
You used Allport's concept of expressive behavior
to explain what I was doing, I had an epiphany,
you got half naked, I got another epiphany.
Charlie, now that I'm your therapist and not just your sex buddy,
we need to keep our sessions free of distractions.
And for the record, it wasn't Allport, it was Harlow.
Sure, it was Harlow.
If we're talking about monkeys being raised by sock puppets.
Otherwise, it was Allport.
Why did they even let you graduate? It was Harlow.
You ready to put your body where your mouth is?
I wouldn't need you if I could do that,
but, sure, you're on. Winner picks position.
Done.
You never learn.
I guess Google wants you to do a reverse cowgirl.
Okay, fine. You win. I don't care.
Just help me figure out something to wear
to the trial and then yee-haw.
Sorry, gloating's over.
There is a patient of mine who's a personal shopper.
Patrick. I'll text you his number.
He can't make you smarter than me, but he can make you look great.
Oh, I guess the gloating wasn't over.
So we have to take as many AP classes as we can
because if we don't end up in the top fifth percentile
we fail in life.
Who cares if I get into a good college?
The only reason I'm going at all is so I can partake
in underage drinking and have lots of protected, consensual sex.
Lots.
This immature attitude is exactly what I want to rise above with this club.
Sam, we know you're worried that you'll never have sex
because of your OCD stuff,
but it's okay. We'll all share our stories with you.
You're right. I will never have sex...
because I've already made love.
With who? You've never even been to camp.
No,
but I've been to my Aunt Sabrina's horse farm,
and that's where I met a stable boy named Beauregard.
I called him...
Beau.
We were on vacation and I decided
to cool off in the lake.
As I emerged, my moist skin glistened
like diamonds in the moonlight. He approached...
- Was he wearing a condom? - Yes.
He was standing in the middle of the woods
wearing nothing but a condom. You're an idiot.
Then what?
He pulled me to him and I felt
the hard shape of his arousal.
Then we rode back to the farm and he encouraged me
to take a lot of AP classes so that we could meet up again at a good college.
That's so unfair. I went to my uncle's horse farm
and all I did was shovel crap all summer.
Hey, guys. Come on in.
We can get started.
I guess Patrick should be here any minute.
What's Patrick even doing in this group?
Passive-aggressiveness is not anger.
In my day we called it being on the rag.
There are 12 major kinds of anger, Ed.
And congratulations, with your display of misogynistic homophobia,
you've collected the whole set.
Oh, come on, guys. We've talked about this.
You're supposed to turn your phones off before group.
- It's a text from Patrick. - I got one, too.
- He's quitting group. - What?
Mine's ringing, but there's nobody on the other end.
It's a text, you old man.
Holy crap. I've got 70 of these things.
Patrick is quitting, all right.
Well, I can't say I'm not disappointed,
but I'm not surprised that Patrick would text everybody and leave me out.
Classic passive- aggressive behavior.
Oh, here we go.
"Please tell Lacey, Nolan, and even Ed
that I will miss them. Respectfully, Patrick."
He didn't say respectfully, did he?
Uh, let me check. No.
OK, how many of you were able to keep your kittens alive over the weekend?
Okay, I guess we'll stop doing this one.
- We have a success story. - We could use one of those.
Why don't you tell us what happened?
Well, see, our anniversary is coming up.
So I made a nice fresh batch
of toilet wine and I got some Little Debbie snacks,
and my brother smuggled in some coke to make the toilet wine seem good,
and somebody stole my Little Debbie snacks.
Seeing my baby so upset almost sent me into a blind rage.
- And the success story? - Oh, yeah. Well...
well, Cleo talked me down.
I went through your steps
and we ended up having the best anniversary ever.
See, it turns out that I had misplaced my Little Debbies.
They was in my ass the whole time.
Always the last place you look.
You know, I'm going through something similar right now.
I lost something, and I'm having some emotions about it.
What did you lose, boss?
Actually, it was a patient from my private group.
We worked together for years to get him to a better place,
and he just up and left.
I'm feeling a little disrespected.
I got a story that might help you out.
A couple years ago, this girl left me.
I felt totally disrespected.
Turns out my friend stole her from me.
It made me very angry, but I thought to myself,
"He's a good friend. He probably had a good reason."
Long story short, I killed him.
I killed them both.
Thank you, Wayne. That is a terrifying story.
Man, Charlie. In a gang,
if somebody leaves, you track them down,
but you don't ever go to the house
because they're never going to show up at the house.
You just burn that down
and go straight to their work.
I can't go to his work. It's an invasion of privacy.
It could jeopardize our confidentiality.
But the ho left you!
You know what? I'm going to go to his work.
- I deserve an explanation. - Yeah, then you kill him.
Then you kill anybody who saw you.
Hello, Patrick.
Charlie.
Well, this isn't wildly inappropriate,
you showing up at my work.
No one here knows who I am. I didn't come to embarrass you.
Then why are you wearing that shirt?
Now, good-bye, Charlie. I only talk to customers.
If you think that's going to get rid of me, it's not.
I'll buy a shirt.
How about this one?
Yeah, I've got to stop wearing these anyways.
They don't breathe. They stink.
I think I'll just chuck it.
I know why you're here, Charlie, and just so you know, my new therapist
says the best thing to do is make a clean break.
Is this about you feeling ignored at the last meeting?
Because that was a conscious effort on my part not to...
new therapist?
Is it Kate?
Look, I'm a challenging case.
I just needed a different level of expertise
or any expertise at all.
- Is it Kate? - Now this is really a better shirt for you.
Now you almost look professional.
Come on. I know you're dying to tell me,
but you won't because your pattern
is to be manipulative in a hurtful way
that allows you not to be called out on your anger.
You know, Kate doesn't do as much of the blah-blah.
I knew it! She stole you.
You were just supposed to dress her, that's it.
And I did it brilliantly. The woman has boy hips
and monkey arms, and I made it work.
You're making a mistake. You need to continue with me.
Need? You have no idea what I need.
Look, I will also say that Kate is a highly trained professional
and certainly a most capable therapist.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go.
I'm having dinner with the monkey-armed bitch.
- Hey. - Look, I got the good table.
That's great.
Did you steal it from somebody else?
After they spent years on it trying to make it a better,
more well-adjusted table?
Okay, I know what you're thinking, but I would never do that to you.
It was 100% Patrick's decision.
I... I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. That outfit is fabulous.
It makes your arms look almost human.
- Are you feeling angry? - Don't therapize me right now.
We're talking as buddies. Oh, and, buddy,
that was a real dick move you pulled.
Charlie, we're both professionals.
Okay, people change therapists all the time.
This is payback for me being right about the Allport thing.
And by the way, you're completely undoing Patrick's therapy.
So ignoring him was therapy?
Oh, so, yes, it was.
He was seeking attention in a passive-aggressive way,
and I wasn't going to reward that.
What you're doing is going to make him completely backslide.
Okay, I understand you are frustrated
and I give you permission to physicalize your anger
appropriately within the environment.
You give me permission.
I don't need permission to do this.
Thank you. If you could attack me with some salt next,
that would be very helpful.
You do understand this means war.
I'm sorry, nothing compared to what you guys do.
Thanks for that, by the way.
This means intense conflict.
It's not the same.
Damn it.
Charlie, I need to talk to you. We have a problem.
Why can't you ever come in here and say,
"Charlie, we have a solution"?
It's Sam. She's talking about sex
during her college prep club meetings.
Finally, some real college prep.
I hope they cover how to make a bong out of an apple
and how to hump quietly in a bunk bed.
Rule number one, always take the bottom bunk.
Charlie, your daughter is talking about her own sexual encounters.
But she hasn't had any.
Well, according to the other parents, she's talking about
swimming naked, loins, and erections.
Loins and erections? Sam?!
You know, if Sam's had sex, it certainly didn't happen on my watch.
You know, I did drop her off at that skinny-dipping erection party last week.
Was that bad?
What's up? I'm in a prep club meeting.
Sweetie, we've heard that you're telling all your friends
that you're having sex. What's going on, Sam?
One of the girls said that I was never going to have sex,
so I made up a story, but don't worry,
I'm going to wait until I'm 25 just like mom did.
Let's get back to the stuff Sam made up.
It was just stuff I read.
Aha!
You see what happens when you leave filth lying around the house?
Hey, I don't have one single piece of filth in this house.
I got rid of all that when I bought my Nook.
Mom, it was one of your books.
"Sabrina's Satin Surrender."
Okay, now we know where it came from.
- It's not the end of the world. - Sorry.
Look, this isn't about blame.
You felt peer pressure to impress your friends.
We all do that. I guess the only other thing I have to say is... aha!
Sam, go back and send your friends home for the night.
We'll talk about this when they're gone.
Thank God it's over. Beauregard died like four chapters ago
and all I've been doing is planting cotton and raising the kids.
Maybe I should get a Nook.
- So it is a turn-on. - Yes.
It's the way women wish they were treated.
A woman loves it when the guy comes back and fights for her,
sweeps her off her feet and takes her.
Hey, whoa, whoa. So it's about making someone feel wanted
with a dramatic display of intense emotion.
Yes, Mr. Spock.
He's doing it because he has to have her.
It's about the passion, being overwhelmed.
That's irresistible to women,
but you'll never hear a girl say it because it sounds kind of rapey.
- Patrick. - Charlie, what are you doing here?
Kate's all wrong for you.
I need you back and I need you back now.
- I don't think... - Don't think!
There's nothing but this moment.
You are coming back to group, you will be in that chair tomorrow,
and if you need extra attention,
you'll pay me and we'll do a private.
Okay.
I'll see you in session.
You're not even going to carry me off?
I have a tendon from my ass in my knee
and I don't want to test it.
- Hey. - Hey.
I just got a text from Patrick.
I understand he's back with you and I'm okay with that.
Good. You coming in?
It's up to you. You know how much
I hate apologizing and so here's the deal.
You can either have me or you can have an apology.
Can I have a peek under that coat?
Only if you don't pick apology.
Let me say it's like nothing you've ever seen.
Are we talking topiary, piercing...
- Just pick sex. - Not so fast.
You're not going to sucker me into this one.
As a matter of fact, since you offered the apology,
I know you already feel that you were wrong.
So I don't need an apology. I'll take you.
Very nice. Pennington's theory
of anticipatory reasoning.
You did that on purpose, didn't you?
- What? - Well, you said Pennington,
but you know it's Wilmington.
Okay... okay, fine. Pennington, I don't care.
Sync and corrections by Sp8ky for www.addic7ed.com