So, Ed, I know recently
you've been having some anger
over not being able to find a post-retirement job.
- How's that going? - I worked 45 years
supervising 200 people in waste management.
I can't even get a job as a Walmart greeter,
and they hire handicaps and whatever else
tumbles off the short bus.
I'd like to say something as a person with a job.
You're lucky not to have one.
I'd trade places with you in a second if you weren't a creepy old man.
It sounds like you're having some issues with your new job, Lacey.
- Do you want to talk about it? - It's bad enough that my mother
makes me work to get my trust fund check,
but the job starts in the morning.
Have you ever woken up in the morning?
It's horrible. The sun's in the wrong place.
You may not believe this, but most people
wake up in the morning and go to bed at night.
It started in the '40s, when they were rationing daylight during World War II.
The worst part is sitting in traffic for hours.
It's like waiting in line at a club,
except when you get to the end, there's no dancing.
There's just me, selling blush at Sephora.
Ain't nothing gonna fix that face, bitch.
After they buy makeup from you, they buy clothes from me.
Nothing is going to fix those hips, bitch.
Then the bitch comes home to me...
and I have to pay the credit card bill.
And that's how America works.
Great session, everybody. See you all tomorrow.
I just realized I'm not a part of how America works.
Oh, hey, Lacey. Before you go,
I'm worried about how rush hour traffic might affect you.
- How have you been dealing with that? - Pretty well.
I just take it out on all the other drivers around me.
Yesterday I bumper-tapped a mini-van into an intersection.
You're on probation. If you get arrested for road rage,
- they will put you in prison. - I know.
- I should probably see somebody about that. - Lacey.
- Where are you right now? - I'm...
oh, okay.
How about I go out driving with you in the morning traffic?
I can show you some techniques, how to diffuse your anger on the road.
- Okay. Pick me up at 9:00. - No, no, no, no.
- You're going to drive. - Ugh. In that traffic?
Hey, we've got to figure out a schedule for your dad's visit.
Dad's visit? Who's he visiting?
- Us, you, tomorrow. - What?
- He didn't call you? - He's been calling all week, but I didn't answer.
Not talking to him is so much easier if I don't pick up the phone.
Well, he's coming in tomorrow and he's staying with you.
Of course he's coming now. You know why?
He knows I'm happy. He can smell it all the way from Ohio.
Maybe he just wants to see you. You know, he's getting older.
- He's not gonna be around forever. - Stop trying to cheer me up.
( Theme music playing )
Sync and corrections by Tony for www.addic7ed.com.
Wow, candles. Romantic.
It's not what we do.
This is purely sexual. I just read a study
about which smells increase male arousal.
This one's vanilla, that one's cinnamon,
- that one's donut. - It smells like a stripper
standing in a Krispy Kreme. I like it.
I don't want to see my father. Is that so horrible?
Well, if you're imagining him right now, it is.
He drives me nuts. I don't want him in my house.
Let's take a moment and get past this.
Okay. If I were your father, what would you say to me right now?
Dad, that's not the bra you usually wear.
Come on, serious. What would you say?
I wouldn't say anything because he doesn't listen.
He just criticizes. He shows no affection whatsoever.
The guy's never hugged me. I can't do right by him. I can't talk to him.
I can't... I can't breathe.
Okay. Shh. You're hyperventilating.
- Put your head between your knees. - ( Grunting )
- It's not working. - Okay. Put your head between my knees.
That only relaxes you.
Hey, Charlie. I got us tickets
to take your dad to the Dodger game on Friday.
- Does that sound good? - Great.
We can get him one of those giant foam hands to poke me with
when he reminds me how I screwed up my baseball career.
The catcher could have been you. Poke.
Will you stop anticipating problems?
I don't anticipate problems with my dad. I anticipate disasters.
You watch. He'll walk through that door,
won't even acknowledge me. Then no matter what I do,
he'll find a way to complain about it.
That's a problem, not a disaster.
No, it will be when he destroys everything with his heat vision.
- Is Grandpa here yet? - Not yet, honey.
You know, I don't think I've ever hung out
- with you and Grandpa at the same time. - Maybe they're the same person.
- Don't even joke about that. - ( Knocks on door )
- Charlie! - Oh, all right.
- Chuck. - Hey, Dad.
Come here.
- Here you go, Dad. - Imported, huh?
I know you like Bud, but I've been busy working
the past few days. I didn't have time to go to the store.
You know I don't like imported beer,
but this is delicious. Thank you, Charlie.
- And now, to you. - Yes.
You know, every time I see you, you get more and more beautiful.
Oh, Martin. I used to think you were a shameless flirt,
but now I know you're just telling the truth.
I always thought Charlie was an idiot for letting you get away...
- Here we go. - ...but you two seem happier now,
than when you were married.
You're a good man, Charlie Goodson.
You took a bad situation and you made it work.
- And? - And I'm proud of you.
- Sam, why don't you show me where I'm bunking? - Okay.
- All right. Good night, Dad. - Good night.
It's so good to see you. Both of you.
- Good night, guys. - Good night.
I know how this story ends.
I call his wife in Ohio and she says,
"How can you be with your father? He died five years ago."
I'm not buying it. Nobody changes that much.
Maybe he's mellowed out.
You're a therapist. You're supposed to believe that human beings can change.
I do believe that human beings can change,
but none of that applies to my father.
I think you're overreacting.
I'll prove it to you. He's not just critical of me.
He'll come down here and anybody who disagrees with him... religion, politics...
he'll always find a way to make it feel like you're wrong.
Charlie, I don't want to be a part of this.
Something smells good.
- Oh, good morning. - Good morning, Dad. Sit down.
- I made breakfast. Coffee's brewing. - This is my neighbor Michael.
- Michael, good to meet you. - You, too.
We were just talking about how active you were in the unions.
Yes, indeed. Unions are the foundation of the middle class.
Michael doesn't believe in unions.
He says they cut into corporate profits.
I did?
Well, you know, everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
Tell you the truth, since I retired,
I've been keeping my eye on the stock market as well.
Really? Michael also said
that Democrats are screwing up the country.
- Whoo. I have got to get to work. - Oh.
I don't think they screwed it up.
Of course, if I was president,
there are probably a few things I would do differently.
You? As president?
I just can't picture it.
- Thank you, Charlie. - Michael also said...
Your son has a girl that he just calls for sex.
They're not in love, they're never getting married. It's just sex, sex, sex.
- Is that true, Charlie? - As a matter of fact, it is.
Well, it's a good thing you're not getting married
because a loveless marriage
is a tragedy in the eyes of God.
Speaking of God, I don't believe in Him.
- Oh, boy. - Or Her.
Oh, God.
I struggle with that myself sometimes.
But every time I look in your eyes,
I know that He or She exists.
Good meeting you, Michael. I hope you'll forgive me,
but I don't want to miss "Judge Judy."
Well, Charlie. You proved it.
You're an ungrateful little snot.
Now, give me my breakfast.
This black Republican union buster needs his energy.
This is why I hate traffic.
Just relax. It will start moving here in a minute.
There's a carpool lane. Why can't they have a separate lane
for attractive people with fast little cars?
Look, this is obviously an anger trigger for you.
Remember your techniques. Use imagery.
Think of this Fiat as your bubble of calm.
- Now just breathe. - Okay.
- ( Takes a deep breath ) - Open your eyes when you're breathing.
- You're freaking me out. - I'm sorry.
- Why don't we just talk? - So...
I didn't know I was going to meet your dad this morning.
- He seems like such a nice guy. - Yeah. Thanks.
He's like the nicest old man I've ever met.
- He's like Santa without a bea... - All right.
Whoa! That guy came out of nowhere with no warning.
( Horn honking )
Dude! Relax! What are you doing?
You're totally bursting my Fiat bubble. God.
I mean, come on. Look at his bumper stickers.
Coexist. Visualize world peace.
You want everyone to think you're nice,
but I know the truth, jerk-face!
Dude, what are you doing?
I'm sorry.
- I let my dad get the best of me. - ( Sirens blaring )
Oh, yeah. Perfect.
It's okay. Let me handle this.
Girls, you're on.
It's a chick.
Please be a lesbian. Please be a lesbian. Please be a lesbian.
That's a heck of an idea, Martin.
What's a heck of an idea?
Oh, your daddy and I were just chewing the fat,
talking about how hard it is to get a job at our age.
And I was talking about my road rage issues
and how I should probably hire a driver
before I accidentally kill somebody...
because I really want to kill somebody.
Oh, I just thought maybe she could toss Ed a few bucks and he could drive her around.
Oh, yeah. Dad, it's a nice idea,
but Lacey and Ed have a very complex dynamic.
There's a lot of emotional ramifications to an arrangement like that.
- How's $20 an hour? - I'll do it for $30.
$50 if you want to listen
to that Arab music while I'm driving.
Whatever. It's my mom's money
and I'm Indian. White people work for us now.
Well, I've got to go. Really nice meeting you.
I hope you all get well soon.
Hey, Dad. Before you go, I have a big favor to ask.
Sure.
- You want me happy, right? - That's all I've ever wanted for you, Charlie.
Of course.
Would you be willing to see my therapist with me and maybe talk some things out?
- Is everything okay? - No, Dad.
- Everything is not okay. - Well, okay.
You know, I've never been in therapy before.
Why would you have to?
Kate: So, Charlie, you said some things about your dad.
Can you give me an example
of what you mean by distant,
hypercritical, fascist?
Okay. Little League game.
Nine years old, I was so desperate to make you proud of me.
Fourth inning I drop the pop fly.
You stood up and stared at me with a look of disgust,
- turned your back and left. - Martin: I would never do that to you.
Don't you remember what happened?
Your cousin came to the ballpark to tell me.
Aunt Cecile got killed by a bus.
I had to leave. It was an emergency.
- Aunt Cecile got hit by a bus? - Yes.
- Wasn't she the one that was drunk all the time? - Yes.
At work, at home, and sadly, at the bus stop.
- You never told me that. - This is very common.
Two people often remember the same incident differently.
Charlie, sometimes we selectively remember.
I suppose that's possible,
but I know for a fact that he took the guitar that I bought
with my own money and smashed it in the driveway because I was playing it too loud.
He's right. I did smash the guitar.
Thank you. Thank you. I thought I was going crazy.
But not because you were playing too loud.
I smashed it because I'd warned you
if you don't get your grades up, I'm going to have to get rid of the guitar.
Okay. Okay. All right. You know what?
There's more. How about the time you took the puppy away?
I had to. It died.
- You missed my graduation. - I had to work.
- You made me shave my long hair. - Because you had lice,
- which you got from the puppy. - My whole childhood, you were a bully.
A bully?
Excuse me, Kate.
Would you please give me a moment alone with my son?
No problem. Actually, this is a good time for me.
Big iced tea, running waterfall, bad combination.
Martin: Thank you.
Son, it really hurts me to hear you say
that you've been carrying around all this pain for so long.
I know I wasn't the perfect father,
but I am not that guy you think I was.
Maybe... maybe Kate's right.
Maybe I rewrote some of my history to avoid
taking responsibility for some of the crap I did.
There are lots of ways to set things right.
I tried your therapy. How about you trying mine?
Do it for Brett.
- Eh, come on. - Do it, do it.
All right. I'm the kid that stole the candy.
I'm that Yankee Doodle Dandy.
Jimmy Cagney.
- More. - Do some Brando.
- Are you an assassin? - I'm a soldier.
You're neither. You're an errand boy
sent by grocery clerks to collect a bill.
I love that movie.
You know, Charlie. If your father's marital status
ever changes, I'd like to be your new mama.
A bartender wife. That sounds interesting. Do you cook?
- In bed. - Oh.
Seriously. My trailer is that small.
The microwave is actually next to the bed.
Here's looking at you, kid.
So that girl you're sleeping with...
the one that you have no intention of marrying.
It's that therapist, am I right?
- How did you know? - I didn't until just now.
Anyway, if you're not going to remarry Jennifer,
which you should, you should seriously consider
making an honest woman out of Kate.
She's more fun as a dishonest woman.
Let me tell you something, son.
- Your dear mother, may God rest her soul... - She's not dead.
Quit saying that.
- She's remarried and living in Tampa. - I don't keep track.
Anyway, she reminds me a lot of Kate.
A lot to handle, but well worth it.
Well, here's to difficult women.
And the men who cannot handle them.
Here's my 10th birthday. That's my dad and my brother.
That's me on the end.
Oh, you're lucky. My family never made any home movies with me.
I was the fourth kid.
My father was fond of saying I was the fourth of three.
Hey, I could always Photoshop you into mine.
Here, Charlie, we got you a 45-year-old bald man for your birthday.
The stories are kind of a bummer,
but they make you feel better about your own life.
You don't have to do that.
I just can't get over how young I... hold on.
What?
- That woman with her back to us... - Yeah?
That's my Aunt Cecile. My dad said she died a year before this.
Good for her. It looks like she's almost completely recovered from her death.
No, I was right. I'm not crazy.
My dad really is a terrible person.
- Congratulations. - Thank you.
I'm really glad you're driving me, Ed.
I'm going to show up at work so much more relaxed.
My pleasure, Miss Daisy. I don't know if I ever told you,
but a long time ago, I used to drive...
Don't let that girl in! Don't let her in!
- Why'd you let her in? - Because she had her blinker on
and she smiled at me. I'm a sucker for that.
Quick, that lane's open! Go, go, go, go!
That is not a lane. That's a shoulder!
- That's for emergencies. - Yeah, well, you're going to need to go to the hospital
- if you don't pick up the pace! - Oh, I knew this was not a good idea.
I'm warning you, one more word out of you... just one more word...
- Yeah, whatcha gonna do?! - That's it!
( Car horns honking )
Screw you! My driver left.
Ed?
- Hey, Charlie. - Hey, Dad.
- Can I get you a beer? - Sure. What do you got?
Well, let's see.
I've got... dirty filthy liar,
my dad's a bastard,
and a lager from Holland.
Still haven't gotten any Bud Light, huh?
There he is. Hi, Dad.
Okay. What happened?
You told me Aunt Cecile died when I was nine.
I've got home movies of her at my 10th birthday.
Sitting at the table when I blew out the candles.
Was she moving?
Just enough to get her beer mug to her face.
- I lied about one little thing. - No, you didn't.
I found my report card from the year you smashed my guitar.
My grades... they never dropped.
And I talked to Mom.
You traded the puppy for a power drill.
Well, at least the dog didn't die.
I mean, I'm sure he's dead now, but...
Why did you come here?
Why are you being so nice? What do you want?
I want to leave Ohio.
There's nothing left there for me.
All my friends are gone
and your siblings won't have anything to do with me.
- What about your wife? - Corinne left me last month.
If it will make you feel any better, she took my puppy.
- Oh, so now you're a puppy guy? - Charlie, look.
I want to move out here and I want to live with you.
You act like a jerk my whole life,
then lie about it, and now you want me to take you in?
I really need some help
because I don't have enough money left to live on my own.
If I could do anything about the past, I would.
- Hell, you know I tried. - And it would have worked, too,
if it hadn't been for the boozy ghost of Aunt Cecile.
Look, I'll do the best I can from here on.
That's all I can promise.
- One last thing. - Anything.
- And I need the truth. - You bet.
Did Mom really leave you
or did you trade her to that guy in Tampa for a belt sander?
No, actually, it was a leaf blower.
Don't get too hard on yourself.
Your dad fooled us both.
I think it's really sweet that you're getting him his own place out here.
Yeah, it's in a really nice area.
He just has to decide if he wants to be a Blood or a Crip.
- Charlie. - I'm kidding, kidding.
It's about 20 minutes away.
Just far enough so he can't just walk over here whenever he wants.
At least now I know what you'll look like in your 70s.
Based on your dad's looks, I could still be doing you.
How nice.
Hey, you got a picture of your mom so I can see what I might be getting into?
Actually, I look more like my dad.
But if it makes you feel any better,
he's got an ass that won't quit.
Sync and corrections by Tony for www.addic7ed.com
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