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Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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MAN (over radio):
Keep your eyes open.
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All right, guys, what do we got?
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It's quiet out there.
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(over radio):
Stand by.
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(indistinct radio transmission)
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Yeah, we, uh,
we better be ready.
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Yeah, I'm a man.
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Don't make it look like makeup.
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- (vehicle approaching)
- Car.
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Car.
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Is that guy one of ours?
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Look at the license plate.
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Looks like we got ourselves
an anus tart.
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NARRATOR: Tobias Funke
was on his way to reconnect
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with a daughter
he'd lost touch with.
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Hey, there.
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It's Big Daddy.
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I thought I'd try to call you
before I surprised you.
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Things are...
really looking up, and...
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(phone beeps)
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Hello? Oh, damn it.
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What Sudden Valley does
to these cell phones.
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Oops.
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Unbeknownst to Tobias, however,
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the Sudden Valley home
he was on his way to visit...
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Anus tart is turning
on Tracey Lane.
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...had been rented out
to a television crew.
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He's creeping up George Michael.
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All right, guys, let's entrap
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a local predator.
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Come on. Lowlife.
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We got to put
this piece of (bleep)...
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Who, what, when,
where, why and how.
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Who, what, where, when,
why and how.
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Who, what, when,
where, why and how.
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MAN (over radio): Anus tart is
approaching the portico.
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NARRATOR: Yes, Tobias was
finally about to get
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a starring role
on a hit TV show.
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Is there a little girl here
all by herself?
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BEARD: And now the story
of the awful people
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who are about to lose
everything, and the one newsman
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who had no choice but to
entrap them all together.
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It's John Beard's To Entrap
a Local Predator, "Supercreeps."
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NARRATOR:
Now the story of a family
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whose future
was abruptly cancelled,
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and the one son-in-law
who had no choice
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but to keep himself together.
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It's Tobias's
Arrested Development.
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Five years before Tobias was to
appear on John Beard's TV show,
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his acting career
was as washed up...
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- None taken.
- ...as his family...
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You are soaked to the bone.
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...and those men he was
touching for some reason.
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And his wife challenged him
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to reexamine the other parts
of his life as well.
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There's nothing
keeping us together.
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It's time to give up our dreams
if they're not working.
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You know, your acting career,
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this marriage
that everyone thinks is a sham
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because you're gay.
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I-I'm sorry.
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Everyone thinks I'm gay?
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Well, I mean, it's kind of
a running joke in the family.
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I mean, y-you know that, right?
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'Cause of the misleading way
you talk sometimes.
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Oh, you're saying the way I talk
makes me sound gay?
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(chuckles)
When in the last year
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have I said anything
remotely mis...
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♪ It's just a fallacy! ♪
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...leading? Is this because
I want to be an actor,
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and all the leading men
in Hollywood are gay?
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I don't think
that all the leading men
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00:03:03,461 --> 00:03:04,504
in Hollywood are gay.
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- Oh, honey.
- (sighs)
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Look, we're chasing things
that aren't real.
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Maybe we need to go out there
and find out
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what we're meant to do.
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His wife was giving him
the cold shoulder.
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And after kissing it good-bye,
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he sat with her family,
feeling lost...
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Well, you look like I feel.
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...and very misunderstood.
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Gay?
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No, I...
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No.
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Tobias knew
it was time to find out
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what he was truly meant to do.
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So when he came across a book
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the universe
had placed in his path,
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he was open to its inspiration.
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Oh, they're still reading,
but...
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well, I guess I can
leave them some love.
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So he just took
"eat" and "pray."
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"Eat" was easy,
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although it provided
no cosmic answers for him.
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But it was the part about India
that really got to him.
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And so, like the heroine
of Eat, Pray,
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- Tobias decided
- Wait a minute.
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to get as far away
from his wife as possible.
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And so Tobias found himself
booking passage to India.
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And soon, he discovered
his wife was also
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preparing to go somewhere...
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- I think you have my suitcase.
- ...far away.
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(sighs)
I'm so sorry, Tobias.
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Look, I've already packed.
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Can I just use this one?
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Oh, what the heck.
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I guess having matching luggage
isn't so romantic anymore.
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And these romantic gestures are
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possibly why people think
I'm a homosexual.
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Well, it's time to correct
old misconceptions.
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And that is why
I'm making a new start.
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Oh, a new start.
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Filled with compassion and love.
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I like that.
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Well, I've already got
the license plate,
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so go cry in your pie!
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And so Tobias, hoping to
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"straighten out" his image,
set out on a new start,
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beginning with a trip
to the airport in an outfit
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he pretty much put together
himself.
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Well, I guess this is why
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00:05:01,537 --> 00:05:02,956
you never see them
driving convertibles.
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I'll have to check on that one.
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But it certainly
wasn't embraced...
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Stay in your lane, anus tart!
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(bleep) anus tart!
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...by the local
Indian community.
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You have the true sense
of the oneness of all.
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And his quest
hit a bump early on,
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as he struggled to learn
the customs and gestures of
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- the culture he hoped to adopt.
- Oh, goddamn it!
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Am I the only one
who still dresses to fly?
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Well, there we go.
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India clean.
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(chuckles)
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Now, how did I...
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No. No.
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Unfortunately,
recreating the look
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- of the traditional Indian garb
- Are you finished? Oh.
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turned out to be more
difficult...
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I look like one of those
hot guys from Spartacus.
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...without the aid of Pradeep,
the helpful Indian salesman...
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I feel like there was
less up top.
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...at Bed, Bath & Beyond, who
helped him learn how to tie it.
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Ah, got it, okay.
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(choking)
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Yes, I actually
like this better.
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- (knocking)
- Yes?
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Canadian?
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No, I'm American.
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Oh, yeah. I'm Canadian.
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Oh. Sorry.
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00:06:04,100 --> 00:06:05,977
But because it was
a long flight,
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he figured he'd wait a beat
on finding his true calling
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00:06:08,729 --> 00:06:10,648
and watch something to
take his mind off Lindsay...
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How could they not have
Failure to Launch?
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...who he knew was far away
at the time.
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(groans)
Goddamn it.
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And after taking
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the wrong bag at the airport...
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WOMAN (over P.A.): Do not leave
any goats unattended.
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All unattended goats
will be confiscated.
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...Tobias finally arrived...
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And so Tobias Funke
embarked on a--
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Oh, dear, Lord, it's... hot!
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...in India, yes, where he was
very uncomfortable.
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Not only because
the wind whipped up
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his queen-sized
fitted mini-sarong,
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but because he looked
the wrong direction
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when stepping into the street.
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(tires screeching)
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And so Tobias experienced India
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from the inside
of a hospital room,
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where the staff
was being trained...
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This man here broke his skull
in two places.
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...by the same doctor
he'd had in America.
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Once outside the airport
and once in the elevator
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when his sheet got caught and
he was pulled off his gurney.
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Literally.
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00:07:03,450 --> 00:07:04,730
- (laughter)
- Two places indeed.
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This is very funny.
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It's like that new show
we just caught, Laugh-In.
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My name is...
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Oh!
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Now I've broken my skull
in a third place!
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On this elephant guy statue!
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Tobias had wanted the universe
to provide him a sign.
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00:07:19,842 --> 00:07:21,552
You should be a comedy actor.
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00:07:21,594 --> 00:07:23,721
And finally it had.
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This is the sign I've been...
(groans)
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Looking for.
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00:07:28,017 --> 00:07:29,894
And after two more weeks
in the hospital,
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00:07:29,936 --> 00:07:32,105
it was time
for his flight home.
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00:07:32,146 --> 00:07:34,023
And that's when he got
another sign.
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00:07:34,065 --> 00:07:35,983
(cell phone ringing)
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00:07:36,025 --> 00:07:38,569
A call from Lindsay.
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00:07:38,611 --> 00:07:40,362
Although he wouldn't be able
to reach the phone for hours...
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00:07:40,404 --> 00:07:42,073
I'm ready to make this work.
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00:07:42,115 --> 00:07:44,408
...due to his already
weakened spine.
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00:07:44,450 --> 00:07:45,743
(bell chimes)
203
00:07:48,121 --> 00:07:49,622
NARRATOR:
Tobias and Lindsay
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00:07:49,663 --> 00:07:51,498
shared the news
of their new start
205
00:07:51,540 --> 00:07:52,917
at a family gathering.
206
00:07:52,959 --> 00:07:54,585
I got the part.
207
00:07:54,627 --> 00:07:56,796
You know, it's funny,
for I, too, find that
208
00:07:56,837 --> 00:07:58,214
I am on a journey.
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00:07:58,256 --> 00:07:59,548
Although, as we discovered
210
00:07:59,590 --> 00:08:01,467
when our MasterCard bill
came back,
211
00:08:01,508 --> 00:08:03,052
it was the same one she took.
212
00:08:03,094 --> 00:08:04,887
But mine has confirmed
that I should
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00:08:04,929 --> 00:08:07,306
redouble my efforts to achieve
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00:08:07,347 --> 00:08:11,269
the unachievable dream
of being an actor.
215
00:08:11,310 --> 00:08:14,105
A journey
that has left me eager
216
00:08:14,147 --> 00:08:17,775
to connect with my true love.
217
00:08:17,817 --> 00:08:20,027
Particularly if she finds her...
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00:08:20,069 --> 00:08:22,780
way clear to covering
a 2, 000-rupee
219
00:08:22,822 --> 00:08:25,950
City of Hopelessness
hospital debt.
220
00:08:25,992 --> 00:08:28,119
The trick is going to be
getting anyone to believe
221
00:08:28,161 --> 00:08:29,411
that her husband
is straight enough
222
00:08:29,453 --> 00:08:31,330
to have a true love
that's a woman.
223
00:08:31,371 --> 00:08:33,082
What are you implying?
224
00:08:33,124 --> 00:08:35,126
Oh, I don't think there was
any implying going on at all.
225
00:08:35,168 --> 00:08:36,335
Didn't hear any implying.
226
00:08:36,376 --> 00:08:37,544
I wasn't implying.
227
00:08:37,586 --> 00:08:38,921
I'm sorry, Mother.
228
00:08:38,963 --> 00:08:40,506
It's just, I've got
a bit of a stick
229
00:08:40,547 --> 00:08:42,008
up my "bunghole"
about what I've now found
230
00:08:42,049 --> 00:08:43,467
is a running joke about me.
231
00:08:43,509 --> 00:08:45,303
But let's be honest.
232
00:08:45,344 --> 00:08:48,931
For 2, 000 rupees, we'd both
go down on Matthew McConaughey.
233
00:08:48,973 --> 00:08:50,808
(chuckles):
Yes, Michael?
234
00:08:50,850 --> 00:08:52,852
At the time of this
family meeting,
235
00:08:52,893 --> 00:08:54,061
2, 000 rupees was $36.
236
00:08:54,103 --> 00:08:56,022
I wouldn't.
237
00:08:56,063 --> 00:08:58,107
GEORGE SR.:
Of course you wouldn't, Michael.
238
00:08:58,149 --> 00:09:00,109
You never accept help
from anyone.
239
00:09:00,151 --> 00:09:02,402
And hoping to do things
differently this time,
240
00:09:02,444 --> 00:09:05,281
Lindsay immediately started
spending money she didn't have.
241
00:09:05,323 --> 00:09:06,907
JAMES:
Are you ready to make a move?
242
00:09:06,949 --> 00:09:11,537
As you can see,
I'm ready for a lot that's new.
243
00:09:11,578 --> 00:09:13,039
Oh, good heavens.
244
00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:15,041
While Tobias pursued
245
00:09:15,082 --> 00:09:17,043
the life of
a professional actor.
246
00:09:17,084 --> 00:09:19,086
Listen, I'm an actor,
you're an agent.
247
00:09:19,128 --> 00:09:20,213
You do the math.
248
00:09:20,254 --> 00:09:21,714
I want you to represent me.
249
00:09:21,755 --> 00:09:23,924
In other words,
you do the math--
250
00:09:23,966 --> 00:09:25,343
the money, the negotiating.
251
00:09:25,384 --> 00:09:27,427
You know I'm not
that kind of agent, right?
252
00:09:27,469 --> 00:09:29,055
I'm a real estate agent.
253
00:09:29,096 --> 00:09:31,807
I'm a predator; I sell
giant houses to very poor people
254
00:09:31,849 --> 00:09:33,559
who can't afford them
with predatory loans.
255
00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:35,519
No, see, that's the money stuff
I don't understand.
256
00:09:35,561 --> 00:09:37,437
All you need to do
is tell people
257
00:09:37,479 --> 00:09:39,523
what a terrific actor I am,
'cause I can't do it believably.
258
00:09:39,565 --> 00:09:40,900
What do you say?
259
00:09:40,941 --> 00:09:42,651
Sounds like it shouldn't be
too much work.
260
00:09:42,693 --> 00:09:43,819
(laughs):
Huzzah!
261
00:09:43,861 --> 00:09:45,071
Okay, here's the number
262
00:09:45,112 --> 00:09:47,114
of my current agent
Mike Matthews.
263
00:09:47,156 --> 00:09:50,201
He's at Allstate. Fire him.
264
00:09:50,243 --> 00:09:54,205
Tobias started seeing positive
career signs everywhere...
265
00:09:54,247 --> 00:09:55,622
...decorating my quarters.
266
00:09:55,664 --> 00:09:59,085
...he chose to put them.
267
00:09:59,126 --> 00:10:00,920
And at his new agent's
suggestion...
268
00:10:00,961 --> 00:10:02,838
Hi. I'm after pending.
269
00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:05,465
...he even snuck on to a studio
lot to hand out head shots
270
00:10:05,507 --> 00:10:08,719
to extras and other
show business insiders.
271
00:10:08,761 --> 00:10:10,388
Taft-Hartley pending.
272
00:10:10,429 --> 00:10:12,139
Things were
looking up for the Funkes.
273
00:10:12,181 --> 00:10:14,516
They even celebrated
their first
274
00:10:14,558 --> 00:10:16,769
- home-cooked Thanksgiving.
- Including duck l'orange.
275
00:10:16,810 --> 00:10:18,062
- (duck quacking)
- Oh!
276
00:10:18,104 --> 00:10:19,980
- Oh, no!
- (Lindsay screams)
277
00:10:20,022 --> 00:10:22,316
Lindsay!
Lindsay, get the scooper!
278
00:10:22,358 --> 00:10:23,692
Throw oranges at it.
279
00:10:23,734 --> 00:10:25,652
- Hot orange! Hot orange.
- (duck quacking)
280
00:10:25,694 --> 00:10:26,946
All right...
281
00:10:26,987 --> 00:10:28,572
It's throwing its voice!
282
00:10:28,614 --> 00:10:30,157
- MAEBY: Oh!
- TOBIAS: Lindsay!
283
00:10:31,325 --> 00:10:33,411
And so they went
284
00:10:33,452 --> 00:10:36,163
to the Fountain Valley
China Garden instead.
285
00:10:36,205 --> 00:10:39,375
And if the collapse
of the housing market,
286
00:10:39,417 --> 00:10:41,835
- his lack of auditions...
- Tobias Funke.
287
00:10:41,877 --> 00:10:43,796
or even the writers' strike
288
00:10:43,837 --> 00:10:45,881
couldn't deter Tobias
from his dream,
289
00:10:45,923 --> 00:10:47,841
the suicide of his ruined
290
00:10:47,883 --> 00:10:49,843
and despondent agent
certainly could.
291
00:10:49,885 --> 00:10:54,140
I believe he died as a warning,
in a way, his message perhaps
292
00:10:54,181 --> 00:10:56,183
to live within our means
293
00:10:56,225 --> 00:10:59,019
and be realistic
about our lives.
294
00:10:59,061 --> 00:11:00,604
And yet it didn't.
295
00:11:00,646 --> 00:11:03,065
Well, then I shall
redouble my efforts
296
00:11:03,107 --> 00:11:05,943
- so that he died in vain.
- (others gasp)
297
00:11:06,902 --> 00:11:08,279
(stammers)
298
00:11:08,321 --> 00:11:10,030
Meaning he will have led
a pointless life,
299
00:11:10,072 --> 00:11:11,157
is what I mean.
300
00:11:11,198 --> 00:11:12,450
Yes, carry on. Thank you.
301
00:11:12,490 --> 00:11:13,867
And he soon found himself
302
00:11:13,909 --> 00:11:17,288
bringing his wife
to an acting class
303
00:11:17,330 --> 00:11:19,915
in an effort to jump-start
his career and marriage.
304
00:11:19,957 --> 00:11:21,792
If everyone's good,
you'll get your juice.
305
00:11:21,834 --> 00:11:24,337
What did you say the name
of this acting class was again?
306
00:11:24,378 --> 00:11:25,838
Method One Clinic.
307
00:11:25,879 --> 00:11:27,399
LINDSAY:
Okay, I'm gonna go get coffee.
308
00:11:27,423 --> 00:11:30,550
Garden Grove Method One Clinic.
309
00:11:30,592 --> 00:11:32,428
And Tobias found himself
captivated
310
00:11:32,470 --> 00:11:34,096
by one of the monologues.
311
00:11:34,138 --> 00:11:36,807
And I made it in that movie,
the Fantastic Four,
312
00:11:36,849 --> 00:11:39,685
uh, but it wasn't fantastic
for me.
313
00:11:39,726 --> 00:11:41,645
Uh, I got carried away.
314
00:11:41,687 --> 00:11:44,231
And I'm like,
"This (bleep) is (bleep) up,
315
00:11:44,273 --> 00:11:46,692
"and I've got to get
my (bleep) together
316
00:11:46,733 --> 00:11:48,819
or I'm gonna be (bleep), too."
317
00:11:48,861 --> 00:11:51,322
Anyways, now I'm sober,
and I'm trying.
318
00:11:51,364 --> 00:11:53,199
It's... super hard.
319
00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:54,700
- (groans)
- (applause)
320
00:11:54,741 --> 00:11:56,243
Thank you. Thank you.
321
00:11:56,285 --> 00:11:58,536
It was a devastating
and personal story.
322
00:11:58,578 --> 00:12:00,247
Okay, notes:
323
00:12:00,289 --> 00:12:02,416
um, first of all, it seemed
you were slurring a bit there,
324
00:12:02,458 --> 00:12:04,918
and I just think
you'd have so much more fun
325
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:06,420
punching those... those words.
326
00:12:06,462 --> 00:12:07,838
Get it out there.
327
00:12:07,880 --> 00:12:10,548
"This (bleep)
is (bleep) up, sir."
328
00:12:10,590 --> 00:12:12,550
I'm-I'm sorry. I'm not familiar
with the piece, so...
329
00:12:12,592 --> 00:12:14,470
No, no, that's it.
330
00:12:14,512 --> 00:12:18,224
But I am familiar with your work
in the Fantastic Four, however.
331
00:12:18,265 --> 00:12:20,142
- You've seen that?
- Of course I have.
332
00:12:20,184 --> 00:12:22,269
20 years earlier,
DeBrie Bardeaux
333
00:12:22,311 --> 00:12:24,480
had played Sue Storm
in the low-budget version
334
00:12:24,522 --> 00:12:27,525
of the Fantastic Four, produced
by Imagine Entertainment,
335
00:12:27,565 --> 00:12:29,527
when, during Imagine's
Christmas party,
336
00:12:29,567 --> 00:12:32,488
a drunk lawyer reminded them
they'd lose the rights
337
00:12:32,530 --> 00:12:35,741
if they didn't make the film
in the next six days.
338
00:12:35,782 --> 00:12:40,413
After a two-hour search,
they found their entire cast.
339
00:12:40,454 --> 00:12:43,541
They also proved useful six
days later at the wrap party.
340
00:12:43,581 --> 00:12:46,584
I almost never get recognized
as the Invisible Girl.
341
00:12:46,626 --> 00:12:48,254
I can't believe you saw me.
342
00:12:48,295 --> 00:12:51,048
Well, I-I thought it was
"fantastic."
343
00:12:51,090 --> 00:12:53,133
Actually, most
of the performance
344
00:12:53,175 --> 00:12:54,718
that had so captivated
Tobias...
345
00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:56,512
Hey, maybe she came into
this Light Bulbs Unlimited.
346
00:12:56,554 --> 00:12:58,180
She was here a minute ago.
347
00:12:58,222 --> 00:13:00,266
...was performed
by a fishing line.
348
00:13:00,307 --> 00:13:02,518
This is the gayest
Starbucks ever!
349
00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:04,562
Did his fishing line break, too?
350
00:13:04,602 --> 00:13:07,022
DeBRIE:
Well, my acting career is over.
351
00:13:07,064 --> 00:13:10,317
Oh, don't say that. You've got
to say, "Keep the dream alive."
352
00:13:10,359 --> 00:13:11,735
That's what helps me.
353
00:13:11,777 --> 00:13:13,611
Well, this is what's helping me.
354
00:13:13,653 --> 00:13:15,739
- Oh.
- It's really good.
355
00:13:15,781 --> 00:13:17,783
Carl Weathers used to give us
grape juice.
356
00:13:17,824 --> 00:13:20,244
But then he'd add five dollars
to our credit card.
357
00:13:20,286 --> 00:13:22,620
Well, here is to
our acting addiction.
358
00:13:22,662 --> 00:13:23,621
Yep.
359
00:13:23,663 --> 00:13:25,665
May we never be cured.
360
00:13:25,707 --> 00:13:27,960
Are you crying? Oh, I'm crying.
361
00:13:28,001 --> 00:13:30,670
Oh, it's a nosebleed.
362
00:13:30,712 --> 00:13:32,214
(DeBrie gasping)
363
00:13:32,256 --> 00:13:34,467
Oh, thank you so much.
364
00:13:34,508 --> 00:13:36,594
Tobias had found a friend.
365
00:13:36,634 --> 00:13:38,137
- You're neat!
- You're neat.
366
00:13:38,178 --> 00:13:39,555
(laughing):
You're neat.
367
00:13:39,597 --> 00:13:41,056
You're neat.
368
00:13:43,850 --> 00:13:45,727
NARRATOR: And after a
not-very-cute meet-cute,
369
00:13:45,769 --> 00:13:48,272
Tobias continued to find
DeBrie's behavior delightful,
370
00:13:48,314 --> 00:13:50,274
even when the methadone
made her think
371
00:13:50,316 --> 00:13:53,277
she was a piece of toast.
372
00:13:53,319 --> 00:13:55,279
There, now I can see
373
00:13:55,321 --> 00:13:58,240
a pretty face under all that
butter substitute.
374
00:13:58,282 --> 00:14:00,326
And I recognize you
from somewhere,
375
00:14:00,367 --> 00:14:04,037
but it's not the Fantastic Four;
it's from somewhere else.
376
00:14:04,079 --> 00:14:06,499
I've done some things
I'm not proud of.
377
00:14:06,540 --> 00:14:08,083
Episodics? Been there.
378
00:14:08,125 --> 00:14:11,044
It wasn't episodic.
379
00:14:11,086 --> 00:14:12,588
She had been in a series
380
00:14:12,630 --> 00:14:14,047
of soft-core porn movies
about women
381
00:14:14,089 --> 00:14:15,882
leading straight men
into gay sex,
382
00:14:15,924 --> 00:14:18,135
- called Straight Bait.
- This is my brother. He's gay.
383
00:14:18,177 --> 00:14:19,719
If you want to have sex with me,
384
00:14:19,761 --> 00:14:21,763
then you've got to have sex
with him first.
385
00:14:21,805 --> 00:14:25,142
And if you don't want to have
sex with her, you must be gay.
386
00:14:25,184 --> 00:14:27,353
I'll show you how not gay I am.
387
00:14:30,272 --> 00:14:32,316
She did six of these movies,
388
00:14:32,358 --> 00:14:35,277
and after lunch,
did three more.
389
00:14:35,319 --> 00:14:37,029
It's nice to be
recognized though.
390
00:14:37,070 --> 00:14:38,822
Marky Bark--
sometimes he doesn't know
391
00:14:38,864 --> 00:14:40,907
when I'm in the same room.
392
00:14:40,949 --> 00:14:42,284
And sometimes it feels like
393
00:14:42,326 --> 00:14:43,846
it's not the face blindness,
you know?
394
00:14:43,869 --> 00:14:45,829
It's the same
with me and Lindsay.
395
00:14:45,871 --> 00:14:48,207
I know she's trying,
but she doesn't believe
396
00:14:48,248 --> 00:14:50,209
in my acting career.
397
00:14:50,250 --> 00:14:52,961
Maybe she's right. I've yet
to make more money as an actor
398
00:14:53,003 --> 00:14:55,005
than I ever did as a doctor.
399
00:14:55,047 --> 00:14:56,840
And that's with
Country-Wide behind me.
400
00:14:56,882 --> 00:14:59,051
You're... wait, you're a doctor?
You can write scripts?
401
00:14:59,092 --> 00:15:01,011
Well, I like to think so.
402
00:15:01,053 --> 00:15:04,390
You should never give up a dream
if you can write scripts.
403
00:15:04,431 --> 00:15:07,393
You seem like you'd be
a good doctor/actor.
404
00:15:07,434 --> 00:15:09,728
It was the first
positive reinforcement
405
00:15:09,769 --> 00:15:11,855
Tobias had had since India.
406
00:15:11,897 --> 00:15:15,484
You remind me of
Billy Crystal... Mmm, mmm!
407
00:15:15,526 --> 00:15:18,195
It would have broken
Tobias's heart if he knew
408
00:15:18,237 --> 00:15:20,364
she was about to say
"Billy Crystal Meth,"
409
00:15:20,406 --> 00:15:21,823
a funny drug dealer.
410
00:15:21,865 --> 00:15:25,369
Uh, I... got a bit carried away
411
00:15:25,411 --> 00:15:27,663
when you compared me
to Billy Crystal.
412
00:15:27,705 --> 00:15:30,207
You remind me
of Billy Crystal...
413
00:15:30,249 --> 00:15:33,793
Once again, she was going
to say "Billy Crystal Meth."
414
00:15:33,835 --> 00:15:36,547
I'm sorry, but, DeBrie,
I-I've never met anyone
415
00:15:36,589 --> 00:15:38,424
who understands me like you do.
416
00:15:38,465 --> 00:15:40,634
- Or at all.
- Maybe, with someone like you,
417
00:15:40,676 --> 00:15:42,302
I could have a new start.
418
00:15:42,344 --> 00:15:45,764
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
419
00:15:45,805 --> 00:15:49,476
Did you see my license plate--
"A-N-U-S-T-A-R-T"?
420
00:15:49,518 --> 00:15:52,062
Whoa. Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
421
00:15:52,104 --> 00:15:55,815
Did you see my Straight Bait
movie of the same name?
422
00:15:55,857 --> 00:15:58,193
(singsong):
Coincidence.
423
00:15:58,235 --> 00:15:59,737
We should be together.
424
00:15:59,778 --> 00:16:01,154
We should run away.
425
00:16:01,196 --> 00:16:02,573
(stammering)
426
00:16:02,615 --> 00:16:03,865
Oh, my gosh.
427
00:16:03,907 --> 00:16:05,534
Well, this is happening so fast.
428
00:16:05,576 --> 00:16:07,119
Well, what do I do
about Lindsay?
429
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:09,913
I mean, can I just improv my way
out of a marriage?
430
00:16:10,956 --> 00:16:14,501
Yes, and... let's do this.
431
00:16:14,543 --> 00:16:15,586
Blackout.
432
00:16:15,628 --> 00:16:17,254
Unaware that a similar
433
00:16:17,296 --> 00:16:19,798
off-menu swap had just occurred
at Swappigans,
434
00:16:19,839 --> 00:16:21,383
Tobias broke the news
435
00:16:21,425 --> 00:16:23,761
that he was leaving Lindsay
in a phone call.
436
00:16:23,802 --> 00:16:25,262
...for I have met someone.
437
00:16:25,304 --> 00:16:26,888
It's not important who it is.
438
00:16:26,930 --> 00:16:28,474
(laughs):
It's Sue Storm.
439
00:16:28,515 --> 00:16:30,643
I'm so sorry,
but DeBrie believes in me,
440
00:16:30,684 --> 00:16:32,603
and she stopped my heart, too.
441
00:16:32,645 --> 00:16:35,689
If you're wondering what "too"
referred to, it was this:
442
00:16:35,731 --> 00:16:37,023
Let's do this.
443
00:16:37,065 --> 00:16:38,525
Blackout.
444
00:16:38,567 --> 00:16:40,736
And scene, as they say.
445
00:16:40,778 --> 00:16:42,139
Her heart stopped!
She-She's dying!
446
00:16:42,154 --> 00:16:44,615
Please, someone!
She had too much butter!
447
00:16:44,657 --> 00:16:46,116
- She's a very famous actress!
- Someone say "butter" out here?
448
00:16:46,158 --> 00:16:47,867
Oh, my God,
that's a butter face.
449
00:16:47,909 --> 00:16:50,162
- How much butter did the patient have?
- I don't know.
450
00:16:50,203 --> 00:16:51,997
- A Star Trek chess set's worth.
- Damn it, that Swappigans
451
00:16:52,038 --> 00:16:54,458
puts more people in
this hospital. Make way, people!
452
00:16:54,500 --> 00:16:55,709
We got a 61-year-old male
453
00:16:55,751 --> 00:16:57,169
in full cardiac arrest
coming through.
454
00:16:57,210 --> 00:16:58,420
You have to wait outside, sir.
455
00:16:58,462 --> 00:16:59,713
Be careful of her face!
456
00:16:59,755 --> 00:17:01,507
She's an actress!
457
00:17:01,548 --> 00:17:03,258
(loud sobbing)
458
00:17:03,300 --> 00:17:04,843
It's worth noting that Tobias
459
00:17:04,884 --> 00:17:07,179
had heard this hospital
in Orange County
460
00:17:07,220 --> 00:17:09,765
was a favorite
of show business big shots
461
00:17:09,807 --> 00:17:11,266
seeking plastic surgery.
462
00:17:11,308 --> 00:17:13,393
We're both actors!
463
00:17:13,435 --> 00:17:15,479
(loud, exaggerated sobbing)
464
00:17:18,565 --> 00:17:20,526
NARRATOR:
On the day of Lucille's trial,
465
00:17:20,567 --> 00:17:22,820
Tobias was in a hospital
with a woman
466
00:17:22,861 --> 00:17:25,531
he'd both fallen for
and had rushed into an ICU.
467
00:17:25,572 --> 00:17:28,283
See? Makeup makes everyone
feel a little better.
468
00:17:28,325 --> 00:17:29,785
You didn't leave me.
469
00:17:29,827 --> 00:17:31,704
Everybody leaves me.
470
00:17:31,745 --> 00:17:35,499
I've been left in Dumpsters
and on a curb and...
471
00:17:35,541 --> 00:17:37,042
Oh, I wouldn't dream of it.
472
00:17:37,083 --> 00:17:39,461
Excuse me. Could you, uh,
leave us alone for...
473
00:17:39,503 --> 00:17:41,213
- Yeah, absolutely, yes.
- Thank you.
474
00:17:41,254 --> 00:17:43,507
Oh, no, I-I'd like him
to-to stay.
475
00:17:43,549 --> 00:17:44,591
- Really?
- Yeah.
476
00:17:44,633 --> 00:17:45,592
Okay.
477
00:17:45,634 --> 00:17:46,885
I'm afraid that you have
478
00:17:46,926 --> 00:17:48,804
tested positive
for chlamydia, syphilis,
479
00:17:48,846 --> 00:17:50,263
gonorrhea, hepatitis,
pancreatitis,
480
00:17:50,305 --> 00:17:53,600
trichomonitis,
nongonococcal urethritis.
481
00:17:53,642 --> 00:17:56,562
All the itises, really,
and there's also
482
00:17:56,603 --> 00:17:57,813
a host of osises.
483
00:17:57,855 --> 00:17:59,565
Now, what this means
in nonmedical terms
484
00:17:59,606 --> 00:18:02,526
is that you have landed, uh,
a real party girl.
485
00:18:02,568 --> 00:18:04,444
TOBIAS:
Well, will she be okay?
486
00:18:04,486 --> 00:18:06,154
Well, we can treat
all of these things,
487
00:18:06,196 --> 00:18:07,823
but if she's really
gonna be okay,
488
00:18:07,865 --> 00:18:09,825
uh, she's gonna have to tackle
this drug problem.
489
00:18:09,867 --> 00:18:12,077
You didn't tell me
you had a drug problem.
490
00:18:12,118 --> 00:18:14,287
We met at a methadone clinic.
491
00:18:14,329 --> 00:18:15,288
Are you high?
492
00:18:15,330 --> 00:18:16,749
We met at an acting class.
493
00:18:16,790 --> 00:18:18,500
The Method One...
494
00:18:18,542 --> 00:18:21,211
There it is. I'm gonna let
you guys, uh, hash this out.
495
00:18:21,253 --> 00:18:23,296
I guess I shouldn't have
lied about being clean
496
00:18:23,338 --> 00:18:26,550
when I took that methadone,
but I'll do better this time.
497
00:18:26,592 --> 00:18:27,885
Or are you gonna leave me
498
00:18:27,926 --> 00:18:30,095
now that you know
that I'm a druggie?
499
00:18:30,136 --> 00:18:33,432
DeBrie, look, some people
struggle with addiction,
500
00:18:33,473 --> 00:18:36,059
other people are incapable
of ever being nude.
501
00:18:36,101 --> 00:18:37,603
Everybody has something.
502
00:18:37,644 --> 00:18:40,647
And it's my professional opinion
that your drug use
503
00:18:40,689 --> 00:18:44,610
is a direct result of your
abandoning your dream of acting.
504
00:18:44,651 --> 00:18:46,403
You are a gifted actress.
505
00:18:46,445 --> 00:18:48,405
When I first saw Straight Bait,
506
00:18:48,447 --> 00:18:49,740
there were two men making love,
507
00:18:49,782 --> 00:18:51,784
but I couldn't take
my eyes off of you.
508
00:18:51,825 --> 00:18:53,535
You watched Straight Bait?
509
00:18:53,577 --> 00:18:55,078
Oh, just2, 4and9.
510
00:18:55,120 --> 00:18:57,497
You were with a guy
who didn't care about you.
511
00:18:57,539 --> 00:19:00,751
But stick with me,
and I'll make you famous.
512
00:19:00,793 --> 00:19:04,504
By cashing in
on your most celebrated role.
513
00:19:04,546 --> 00:19:05,672
Come one, come all!
514
00:19:05,714 --> 00:19:08,133
Get your photo taken
with Sue Storm
515
00:19:08,174 --> 00:19:09,635
from the Fantastic Four!
516
00:19:09,676 --> 00:19:11,261
Hey, is that Jessica Alba?
517
00:19:11,303 --> 00:19:14,180
No, this is the original
Sue Storm, DeBrie Bardeaux!
518
00:19:14,222 --> 00:19:16,099
- Who?
- The original Sue Storm,
519
00:19:16,141 --> 00:19:17,726
DeBrie Bardeaux. She--
No, no!
520
00:19:17,768 --> 00:19:18,727
No free pictures, kids!
521
00:19:18,769 --> 00:19:19,728
No, no, scram!
522
00:19:19,770 --> 00:19:20,771
Get out of here! Go!
523
00:19:20,813 --> 00:19:22,105
Go, get out of here.
524
00:19:22,147 --> 00:19:23,649
I don't think this is working.
525
00:19:23,690 --> 00:19:26,025
Maybe I need to get
a regular job.
526
00:19:26,067 --> 00:19:28,194
I do have a law degree.
527
00:19:28,236 --> 00:19:30,071
I know, I know,
and I'm a doctor.
528
00:19:30,113 --> 00:19:32,031
But no, let's not settle.
529
00:19:32,073 --> 00:19:34,033
Look, it's the Fantastic Four.
530
00:19:34,075 --> 00:19:36,578
No one recognizes one alone.
531
00:19:36,620 --> 00:19:37,955
I've got an idea.
532
00:19:37,996 --> 00:19:40,081
Ten dollars gets you
a picture with
533
00:19:40,123 --> 00:19:41,333
real Hollywood characters!
534
00:19:41,374 --> 00:19:42,542
What do you say? Ten dollars.
535
00:19:42,584 --> 00:19:43,543
That's certainly cheap.
536
00:19:43,585 --> 00:19:45,796
Oh! Hello, young man,
537
00:19:45,838 --> 00:19:48,089
and his... uncle? Neighbor?
538
00:19:48,131 --> 00:19:49,382
Father.
539
00:19:49,424 --> 00:19:50,676
Oh! That's terrific.
540
00:19:50,717 --> 00:19:52,093
(laughs)
Well, how would you like
541
00:19:52,135 --> 00:19:53,470
to have your picture taken
542
00:19:53,512 --> 00:19:56,348
with real Hollywood
movie land characters?
543
00:19:56,389 --> 00:19:57,766
Are you the Smurfs?
544
00:19:57,808 --> 00:19:59,351
No, no, no.
545
00:19:59,392 --> 00:20:00,936
They're the Ambiguously Gay Duo.
546
00:20:00,978 --> 00:20:02,270
Oh, I assure you,
547
00:20:02,312 --> 00:20:04,105
there's nothing ambiguous
about me.
548
00:20:04,147 --> 00:20:06,399
I'm Johnny Storm,
the human flamer.
549
00:20:06,441 --> 00:20:10,236
And this is Sue Storm, my sister
and fellow fighter-in-law.
550
00:20:10,278 --> 00:20:12,405
Now watch as I get--
no, I have special effects!
551
00:20:12,447 --> 00:20:14,282
Look, children love fire.
552
00:20:14,324 --> 00:20:15,325
Oh.
553
00:20:15,367 --> 00:20:16,326
This isn't working either.
554
00:20:16,368 --> 00:20:17,995
(sighs)
You're right.
555
00:20:18,036 --> 00:20:20,455
Two people in blue
doesn't say Fantastic Four.
556
00:20:20,497 --> 00:20:22,165
You know what though?
557
00:20:22,207 --> 00:20:24,250
I think I may have
just the thing.
558
00:20:24,292 --> 00:20:25,460
Oh?
559
00:20:25,502 --> 00:20:27,546
Just "the thing."
560
00:20:27,587 --> 00:20:29,006
Cut to...
561
00:20:29,047 --> 00:20:31,591
Now that I'm the iconic
rock man The Thing,
562
00:20:31,633 --> 00:20:33,218
no one will misunderstand.
563
00:20:33,259 --> 00:20:35,971
I'm sure the Blues Brothers here
will know who we are.
564
00:20:36,013 --> 00:20:37,848
Excuse me, are you Sue Storm
and The Thing?
565
00:20:37,890 --> 00:20:39,683
Oh, who's smart now?
566
00:20:39,725 --> 00:20:41,393
Indeed we are.
567
00:20:41,434 --> 00:20:43,520
In fact, they were orthodox
members of the law firm
568
00:20:43,562 --> 00:20:46,231
Feinberg, Feinberg, Feinberg
& Feinberg.
569
00:20:46,272 --> 00:20:48,984
We represent Stan Lee
and Marvel Enterprises.
570
00:20:49,026 --> 00:20:50,652
This is a cease and desist
571
00:20:50,694 --> 00:20:52,445
ordering you
to stop impersonating
572
00:20:52,487 --> 00:20:54,113
any of our trademark characters.
573
00:20:54,155 --> 00:20:55,615
Oh, let me take a look at that.
574
00:20:55,657 --> 00:20:56,700
I have a law degree.
575
00:20:56,742 --> 00:20:57,910
No, DeBrie, I've got this.
576
00:20:57,951 --> 00:21:00,119
Mr. Feinberg?
577
00:21:00,161 --> 00:21:01,788
Uh, would it change your mind
578
00:21:01,830 --> 00:21:05,876
if I offered you
a free Sue Storm armband?
579
00:21:05,918 --> 00:21:07,794
It did not change his mind.
580
00:21:07,836 --> 00:21:10,547
And although the hate crime
charges were dismissed,
581
00:21:10,589 --> 00:21:12,298
they were told
they could not continue
582
00:21:12,340 --> 00:21:13,800
to pose as the Fantastic Four.
583
00:21:13,842 --> 00:21:16,553
Can they really make us leave
Hollywood Boulevard?
584
00:21:16,595 --> 00:21:19,681
Well, apparently in
this instance, paper beats rock.
585
00:21:19,723 --> 00:21:20,682
You have a rock?
586
00:21:20,724 --> 00:21:23,018
No, I am your rock now.
587
00:21:23,060 --> 00:21:24,061
Oh.
588
00:21:24,102 --> 00:21:25,228
So what are we gonna do
589
00:21:25,270 --> 00:21:26,939
now that we don't
have the rights?
590
00:21:26,980 --> 00:21:28,732
Well, we just go off-brand.
591
00:21:28,774 --> 00:21:32,318
Uh, we'll just change the names
and do a cheap generic knockoff.
592
00:21:32,360 --> 00:21:34,112
Kids don't care.
593
00:21:34,153 --> 00:21:35,864
Tobias took them down
to a street
594
00:21:35,906 --> 00:21:38,575
near Harbor Boulevard,
where his friend Gary Goose
595
00:21:38,617 --> 00:21:40,159
told him
they didn't police very much.
596
00:21:40,201 --> 00:21:42,081
Rock Monster and Ability
to Be Invisible Person.
597
00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:43,705
Hello, young man.
What brings you
598
00:21:43,747 --> 00:21:46,666
to at least 500 feet
past the entrance of Disneyland?
599
00:21:46,708 --> 00:21:47,834
Dad, can I get my picture taken
600
00:21:47,876 --> 00:21:49,002
with The Thing
and Invisible Girl?
601
00:21:49,044 --> 00:21:50,545
They're the Fantastic Four.
602
00:21:50,587 --> 00:21:52,547
Well, actually, technically,
I'm Rock Monster,
603
00:21:52,589 --> 00:21:54,883
and this is
Ability to Be Invisible Person.
604
00:21:54,925 --> 00:21:56,802
- Hey, you guys want the ten dollars or not?
- Yeah.
605
00:21:56,843 --> 00:21:58,344
- Uh...
- Yeah, yeah.
606
00:21:58,386 --> 00:22:00,055
Yes. Okay.
607
00:22:00,097 --> 00:22:02,641
We're The Thing
and the Invisible Girl.
608
00:22:02,682 --> 00:22:03,767
- You're under arrest.
- What?
609
00:22:03,809 --> 00:22:05,310
Boom. Turn around.
610
00:22:05,351 --> 00:22:06,686
- Let's go.
- I didn't...
611
00:22:06,728 --> 00:22:08,105
- Let's go. Get up there.
- Oh! Oh!
612
00:22:08,146 --> 00:22:09,898
Come on.
613
00:22:09,940 --> 00:22:11,900
- Oh, come on, now.
- (chuckles): No, no, no.
614
00:22:11,942 --> 00:22:14,319
We're not gonna kill him,
we're just gonna handcuff him.
615
00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:15,946
You can't shoot us
'cause it's not a felony.
616
00:22:15,988 --> 00:22:18,073
Keep your eyes on her.
I'll be right back.
617
00:22:18,115 --> 00:22:20,075
Okay.
618
00:22:22,494 --> 00:22:23,787
DeBRIE:
If it happens again,
619
00:22:23,829 --> 00:22:25,914
you know, it will be
a third strike.
620
00:22:25,956 --> 00:22:27,624
Three-strikes law's up for
review in the appellate courts,
621
00:22:27,666 --> 00:22:28,959
but we really
shouldn't be charging.
622
00:22:29,001 --> 00:22:30,710
I know of a street
in Garden Grove
623
00:22:30,752 --> 00:22:32,712
- where they don't police very much.
- Okay.
624
00:22:32,754 --> 00:22:34,255
NARRATOR:
Things were looking down.
625
00:22:34,297 --> 00:22:36,925
And over the following weeks,
626
00:22:36,967 --> 00:22:38,760
their financial situation
grew dire enough
627
00:22:38,802 --> 00:22:40,053
for this to happen.
628
00:22:40,095 --> 00:22:41,972
We're broke.
629
00:22:42,014 --> 00:22:43,932
But you can't sell
your Fantastic Four costume.
630
00:22:43,974 --> 00:22:45,308
I mean, that would be
like a fisherman
631
00:22:45,350 --> 00:22:47,352
selling his fishing costume.
632
00:22:47,393 --> 00:22:49,604
No, I was gonna
have sex with him.
633
00:22:49,646 --> 00:22:51,188
For money.
634
00:22:51,230 --> 00:22:52,899
What? No. Put that back on.
635
00:22:52,941 --> 00:22:54,901
You don't have to
degrade yourself this way.
636
00:22:54,943 --> 00:22:57,070
Hey, I'm not a thing.
637
00:22:57,112 --> 00:22:59,322
Hey, I am a Thing.
638
00:22:59,364 --> 00:23:01,908
And so, with no other options,
Tobias returned
639
00:23:01,950 --> 00:23:03,409
to his in-laws' penthouse,
640
00:23:03,451 --> 00:23:06,371
desperate enough
to ransack the place,
641
00:23:06,412 --> 00:23:09,332
when it appeared
someone had beaten him to it.
642
00:23:09,374 --> 00:23:11,168
Michael.
643
00:23:11,208 --> 00:23:12,878
No, George Michael.
644
00:23:12,919 --> 00:23:14,796
LUCILLE 2:
Somebody, help!
645
00:23:14,838 --> 00:23:16,715
And that's when he heard
what sounded like two ostriches
646
00:23:16,756 --> 00:23:18,842
making love to a pop hit.
647
00:23:18,884 --> 00:23:20,552
But was actually this.
648
00:23:20,593 --> 00:23:24,097
♪ Why don't you
go away, go away ♪
649
00:23:24,139 --> 00:23:25,640
♪ Get away, get away ♪
650
00:23:25,682 --> 00:23:27,600
♪ Stay away ♪
651
00:23:27,642 --> 00:23:30,187
♪ You're hopelessly
hopeless... ♪
652
00:23:30,227 --> 00:23:32,605
(screams)
Good bird.
653
00:23:32,647 --> 00:23:34,191
- (screams)
- (ostrich squawking)
654
00:23:34,231 --> 00:23:35,650
Stop it, chicken!
655
00:23:35,692 --> 00:23:37,861
Somebody help!
656
00:23:37,903 --> 00:23:39,071
Lucille 2!
657
00:23:39,112 --> 00:23:40,906
Help! Help!
Kevin, give me a hand!
658
00:23:40,947 --> 00:23:42,448
Get Dr. Bowman or Alicia.
659
00:23:42,490 --> 00:23:43,825
Either one.
660
00:23:43,867 --> 00:23:45,994
This woman's been
attacked by an ostrich!
661
00:23:46,036 --> 00:23:47,954
Ah, Tobias got a new girlfriend.
662
00:23:47,996 --> 00:23:49,246
(laughs)
663
00:23:52,792 --> 00:23:54,460
NARRATOR: Tobias had acted like
an actual superhero
664
00:23:54,502 --> 00:23:55,587
- and saved Lucille 2.
- There's my hero.
665
00:23:55,628 --> 00:23:57,089
You know, the doctor said
666
00:23:57,130 --> 00:23:58,381
if that bird had gotten through
667
00:23:58,423 --> 00:24:00,341
my second layer of makeup,
it could've done
668
00:24:00,383 --> 00:24:01,593
permanent damage to my skin.
669
00:24:01,634 --> 00:24:03,344
And I want to repay you.
670
00:24:03,386 --> 00:24:06,014
You're a doctor,
and you're out of work.
671
00:24:06,056 --> 00:24:07,933
- Well...
- How would you like to come work for me,
672
00:24:07,974 --> 00:24:09,392
at Austerity?
673
00:24:09,434 --> 00:24:11,436
The rehab center? That's yours?
674
00:24:11,477 --> 00:24:13,479
Well, my brother Argyle
runs it day to day.
675
00:24:13,521 --> 00:24:14,689
But we are so understaffed.
676
00:24:14,731 --> 00:24:16,191
You'd be such a gift.
677
00:24:16,233 --> 00:24:19,276
It would only pay
120 grand a year to start.
678
00:24:19,318 --> 00:24:21,529
Tobias, whose girlfriend
had nearly
679
00:24:21,571 --> 00:24:23,949
sold her body for money
in front of him,
680
00:24:23,990 --> 00:24:27,202
knew that everyone at some time
has to face reality.
681
00:24:27,244 --> 00:24:29,328
(sustained groaning)
682
00:24:31,372 --> 00:24:33,374
- But that this wasn't the time.
- No.
683
00:24:33,416 --> 00:24:35,127
- You turned it down?!
- Uh-huh.
684
00:24:35,168 --> 00:24:38,004
I almost (bleep) a guy
for a hamburger,
685
00:24:38,046 --> 00:24:40,924
and you turned down
$120, 000 a year?
686
00:24:40,966 --> 00:24:43,384
To keep our dream alive,
yes, I did.
687
00:24:43,426 --> 00:24:45,137
I thought you'd be proud of me.
688
00:24:45,178 --> 00:24:47,055
After all, a doctor in India
689
00:24:47,097 --> 00:24:49,641
told me that I have the gift
to make people laugh.
690
00:24:49,682 --> 00:24:51,308
- (sobbing)
- Why are you crying?
691
00:24:51,350 --> 00:24:53,394
(sobbing):
You're worse than Marky.
692
00:24:53,436 --> 00:24:57,398
He couldn't see me,
but you can't hear me.
693
00:24:57,440 --> 00:24:59,400
(sobbing)
694
00:24:59,442 --> 00:25:01,903
The setback sent
an emotionally fragile DeBrie
695
00:25:01,945 --> 00:25:04,614
back to her old ways.
696
00:25:04,656 --> 00:25:07,200
And before long,
she was picked up by a limo
697
00:25:07,242 --> 00:25:08,952
for a night of
being passed around
698
00:25:08,994 --> 00:25:11,412
amongst Hollywood creeps.
699
00:25:11,454 --> 00:25:15,458
For three weeks, Tobias waited,
hoping DeBrie would return.
700
00:25:15,500 --> 00:25:18,670
Perhaps it was
the morning he awoke to find
701
00:25:18,711 --> 00:25:20,255
two bums using him as a pillow
702
00:25:20,297 --> 00:25:22,465
that he realized
she wasn't coming back.
703
00:25:22,507 --> 00:25:24,050
Who are you supposed to be?
704
00:25:24,092 --> 00:25:26,552
Oh, I'm The Thing
from Fantastic Four.
705
00:25:26,594 --> 00:25:29,555
You've been served, (bleep).
706
00:25:29,597 --> 00:25:32,142
Oh, (bleep) me.
707
00:25:32,184 --> 00:25:33,977
Are you undercover as well?
708
00:25:34,019 --> 00:25:35,937
I'm CIA.
Not here for you though.
709
00:25:35,979 --> 00:25:38,315
Scoping out
Imagine Entertainment.
710
00:25:38,355 --> 00:25:40,733
So, with nowhere to go...
711
00:25:40,775 --> 00:25:42,443
Thought I'd try you again.
712
00:25:42,485 --> 00:25:44,154
...and no one to help him
out of his rock suit...
713
00:25:44,196 --> 00:25:46,281
Honey, you read
comic books, yes?
714
00:25:46,323 --> 00:25:47,824
...he went to see
if his daughter
715
00:25:47,866 --> 00:25:50,327
would give him a place to stay.
716
00:25:50,367 --> 00:25:52,495
(indistinct radio transmission)
717
00:25:52,537 --> 00:25:54,873
(singing quietly)
718
00:25:54,914 --> 00:25:57,667
Now the fun begins,
right, Officer Three?
719
00:25:57,709 --> 00:25:59,544
I'll say.
720
00:25:59,585 --> 00:26:02,130
...and why and how. Who, what,
when, where, why and how.
721
00:26:03,548 --> 00:26:06,301
Is there a little girl here
all by herself?
722
00:26:06,343 --> 00:26:08,636
And perhaps it was this
that would finally
723
00:26:08,678 --> 00:26:11,223
get him to admit
that he sometimes did speak
724
00:26:11,264 --> 00:26:12,932
in a misleading way.
725
00:26:12,974 --> 00:26:15,768
Daddy needs to get
his rocks off.
726
00:26:20,690 --> 00:26:23,235
BEARD: On the next
To Entrap a Local Predator...
727
00:26:23,276 --> 00:26:25,237
(high-pitched):
I'll be down in a minute.
728
00:26:25,278 --> 00:26:27,030
Have some lemonade.
729
00:26:27,072 --> 00:26:28,823
TV NARRATOR: Predator gets
its first rock-solid case.
730
00:26:28,865 --> 00:26:31,534
(normal voice):
Pretty good lemonade, huh?
731
00:26:31,576 --> 00:26:32,827
It is.
732
00:26:32,869 --> 00:26:34,537
Is there alcohol in here--
John Beard!
733
00:26:34,579 --> 00:26:35,538
Please, have a seat.
734
00:26:35,580 --> 00:26:36,539
Okay.
735
00:26:36,581 --> 00:26:37,707
Why are you here?
736
00:26:37,749 --> 00:26:39,125
I'm here to see my little girl.
737
00:26:39,167 --> 00:26:41,378
I wanted to show her
Daddy's Thing.
738
00:26:41,418 --> 00:26:42,712
What are you doing here?
739
00:26:42,754 --> 00:26:45,506
I'm doing a, um,
a local interest piece.
740
00:26:45,548 --> 00:26:46,507
Mm.
741
00:26:46,549 --> 00:26:47,592
Okay, get in there, boys.
742
00:26:47,633 --> 00:26:49,302
Oh, really local.
743
00:26:49,344 --> 00:26:50,345
That's right, yeah.
744
00:26:50,387 --> 00:26:51,428
Is this about my daughter?
745
00:26:51,470 --> 00:26:52,597
Oh, so it's your daughter
746
00:26:52,638 --> 00:26:54,307
- you're here to see?
- Yes.
747
00:26:55,058 --> 00:26:56,433
Maeby.
748
00:26:56,475 --> 00:26:58,311
If he's got a daughter,
then how old is she?
749
00:26:58,353 --> 00:26:59,436
BEARD:
Let me ask you this.
750
00:26:59,478 --> 00:27:00,437
How old is she?
751
00:27:00,479 --> 00:27:02,481
(chuckles):
Oh.
752
00:27:02,523 --> 00:27:04,359
Why do you put me on the spot?
753
00:27:04,401 --> 00:27:07,279
Um, I want to say 19?
754
00:27:07,320 --> 00:27:09,864
But I like
to think of her as 15.
755
00:27:09,906 --> 00:27:10,907
Well, you're free to go.
756
00:27:10,949 --> 00:27:12,533
She's not here.
757
00:27:12,575 --> 00:27:14,255
TV NARRATOR:
But this creep won't take "go"
758
00:27:14,286 --> 00:27:15,703
- for an answer.
- Oh, that's all right.
759
00:27:15,745 --> 00:27:17,289
I'll stay, I'll wait.
760
00:27:17,330 --> 00:27:19,291
And this creep makes himself
right at home.
761
00:27:19,332 --> 00:27:21,293
- Give me just a minute.
- He's not leaving.
762
00:27:21,334 --> 00:27:23,253
- He's not leaving.
- He's not leaving.
763
00:27:23,295 --> 00:27:25,171
Tell him there's a raccoon
in the backyard.
764
00:27:25,213 --> 00:27:26,756
Hey, guess what.
765
00:27:26,798 --> 00:27:28,549
There's a raccoon
out on the patio!
766
00:27:28,591 --> 00:27:29,617
Bull (bleep).
767
00:27:29,737 --> 00:27:30,907
Where is that little guy?
768
00:27:31,027 --> 00:27:33,805
And this guy turns out to be
a real comedian.
769
00:27:33,846 --> 00:27:34,635
(groans loudly)
770
00:27:34,755 --> 00:27:36,530
I just broke my skull
in a fourth place:
771
00:27:36,650 --> 00:27:38,134
the patio!
772
00:27:38,254 --> 00:27:41,179
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com