1 00:00:01,540 --> 00:00:03,540 This programme contains strong language 2 00:00:03,580 --> 00:00:06,580 and scenes that some viewers may find disturbing or upsetting. 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:14,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 4 00:00:34,460 --> 00:00:35,100 DOOR OPENS 5 00:00:36,380 --> 00:00:37,420 Ahem. 6 00:00:37,460 --> 00:00:39,340 They're ready for you. 7 00:00:41,900 --> 00:00:43,620 Gwendolyn Harris. We've met. 8 00:00:43,660 --> 00:00:44,900 Bournemouth. 9 00:00:44,940 --> 00:00:46,620 But you don't know the others. 10 00:00:46,660 --> 00:00:48,700 No, but I'm familiar with you. 11 00:00:48,740 --> 00:00:51,260 Why do you want to be an MP? 12 00:00:51,300 --> 00:00:53,700 Because I'm not satisfied with the way things are, 13 00:00:53,740 --> 00:00:57,020 and rather than sit back and moan I'd prefer to do something about it. 14 00:00:58,100 --> 00:00:59,340 Go again from the top. 15 00:00:59,380 --> 00:01:03,020 I don't know why anyone's surprised the world's number one teen idol 16 00:01:03,060 --> 00:01:04,420 has become a Scientologist. 17 00:01:04,460 --> 00:01:05,980 Speed up the autocue, please. 18 00:01:06,020 --> 00:01:08,140 Pop stars do believe in weird things. 19 00:01:08,180 --> 00:01:11,540 'Abba believed in angels. R Kelly believed he could fly...' 20 00:01:11,580 --> 00:01:12,780 They said show you this. 21 00:01:12,820 --> 00:01:14,260 This happened just now? 22 00:01:14,300 --> 00:01:14,900 Mm-hmm. 23 00:01:14,940 --> 00:01:16,420 Gladwell? 24 00:01:16,460 --> 00:01:19,140 "Shamed Tory Jason Gladwell resigns," - capitals - 25 00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:21,060 "over Twitter porn pics scandal." 26 00:01:21,100 --> 00:01:22,540 Oh, so he wasn't hacked after all. 27 00:01:22,580 --> 00:01:24,860 "Originally claimed his account had been hacked, 28 00:01:24,900 --> 00:01:27,940 "resignation statement admits inappropriate correspondence 29 00:01:27,980 --> 00:01:29,060 "with a 15-year-old girl." 30 00:01:29,100 --> 00:01:32,100 So tweeting dick photos is correspondence now, is it? 31 00:01:32,140 --> 00:01:34,140 "Departure triggers a by-election 32 00:01:34,180 --> 00:01:36,420 "in his Stentonford and Hersham constituency." 33 00:01:36,460 --> 00:01:37,900 Well, you get to use the Gladwell stuff. 34 00:01:37,940 --> 00:01:38,980 Mm-hmm. 35 00:01:39,020 --> 00:01:41,220 Bump it all up to the top of the monologue. 36 00:01:41,260 --> 00:01:42,900 Anyone seen Jamie? 37 00:01:42,940 --> 00:01:44,900 PHONE DIALLING 38 00:01:48,780 --> 00:01:49,780 Rach? 39 00:01:49,820 --> 00:01:52,060 'You really shouldn't be calling me any more. 40 00:01:52,100 --> 00:01:53,780 'You need to sort yourself out.' 41 00:01:53,820 --> 00:01:55,260 I am. 42 00:01:55,300 --> 00:01:57,780 'Focus on Waldo, that's going well for you.' 43 00:01:57,820 --> 00:01:59,140 But it is not... 44 00:01:59,180 --> 00:02:00,900 'He's a hit, Jamie.' 45 00:02:01,060 --> 00:02:03,420 "He." Not me, "he". 46 00:02:03,460 --> 00:02:05,060 'Just do your show.' 47 00:02:05,220 --> 00:02:06,900 I will. I mean, hon, if you'd just... 48 00:02:06,940 --> 00:02:08,140 PHONE CUTS OFF 49 00:02:08,180 --> 00:02:09,700 (KNOCKING) Jamie? 50 00:02:10,900 --> 00:02:12,460 Jamie, hurry up. 51 00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:15,980 What do you know about Stentonford and Hersham? 52 00:02:16,020 --> 00:02:17,820 Safe Tory seat. 53 00:02:17,860 --> 00:02:21,140 So, realistically, I know there's not much of a chance, but... 54 00:02:21,180 --> 00:02:24,060 So, it's a stepping stone for you? 55 00:02:24,100 --> 00:02:25,540 Yes. 56 00:02:27,020 --> 00:02:30,260 Obviously, I wouldn't say that outside of this room, 57 00:02:30,300 --> 00:02:32,340 but, well, you want me to be honest. 58 00:02:32,380 --> 00:02:33,900 There's no point in pretending. 59 00:02:33,940 --> 00:02:38,460 Is there anything in your past that might conceivably cause problems? 60 00:02:38,540 --> 00:02:39,740 No. 61 00:02:41,020 --> 00:02:42,740 Except... 62 00:02:43,740 --> 00:02:46,340 ..I did commit a series of murders in Huddersfield 63 00:02:46,380 --> 00:02:48,340 between 1999 and 2003. 64 00:02:48,380 --> 00:02:49,940 But apart from that... 65 00:02:53,820 --> 00:02:56,180 Well, thank you, Gwendolyn. 66 00:02:56,220 --> 00:02:58,140 If you could leave via that door. 67 00:02:58,180 --> 00:02:59,900 Oh, that door? 68 00:02:59,940 --> 00:03:01,940 We like to keep the candidates separate. 69 00:03:03,020 --> 00:03:04,500 Right, yes. 70 00:03:15,460 --> 00:03:18,700 (MUTTERS) Idiot. Idiot! 71 00:03:20,300 --> 00:03:23,780 Shamed super groomer and all-round pillock of the community 72 00:03:23,820 --> 00:03:26,900 Jason Gladwell has resigned as an MP, 73 00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:30,580 saying he could no longer maintain his position. 74 00:03:30,620 --> 00:03:32,860 That position, presumably, being hunched over 75 00:03:32,900 --> 00:03:35,060 wanking madly at school kids. 76 00:03:35,100 --> 00:03:36,660 'A pal of Gladwell said...' 77 00:03:36,700 --> 00:03:37,500 You ready? 78 00:03:37,540 --> 00:03:38,860 Uh-huh. 79 00:03:38,900 --> 00:03:40,940 ..how old the girl wasn't. 80 00:03:40,980 --> 00:03:42,540 That's the sort of feeble excuse 81 00:03:42,580 --> 00:03:45,260 'only a naive school kid would swallow - 82 00:03:45,300 --> 00:03:47,180 'which, presumably, was the idea. 83 00:03:48,460 --> 00:03:51,340 'Anyway, the bad news is he's resigned in disgrace.' 84 00:03:51,380 --> 00:03:54,420 The good news is he's now free to pursue a full-time career 85 00:03:54,460 --> 00:03:57,060 in the disgraced paedophile industry. 86 00:03:57,100 --> 00:03:58,700 LAUGHTER 87 00:03:58,740 --> 00:04:01,260 Personally, I don't understand why anyone's surprised... 88 00:04:01,300 --> 00:04:03,660 Um, small change to the intro. 89 00:04:03,740 --> 00:04:04,620 What? 90 00:04:04,660 --> 00:04:06,340 Nothing huge, Conor wanted the Jacko gag for the monologue, so... 91 00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:07,820 That was my bit. 92 00:04:07,900 --> 00:04:09,060 There is the Chancellor stuff, you could use that. 93 00:04:09,100 --> 00:04:10,420 Bit politics. 94 00:04:10,460 --> 00:04:11,260 You can do politics. 95 00:04:11,300 --> 00:04:12,820 I do piss-taking. 96 00:04:12,860 --> 00:04:13,900 Go be Waldo. 97 00:04:14,060 --> 00:04:15,140 Yes, commander. 98 00:04:15,180 --> 00:04:17,060 'R Kelly believed he could fly, 99 00:04:17,100 --> 00:04:20,420 'and Michael Jackson believed that his doctor was qualified...' 100 00:04:20,460 --> 00:04:22,500 (DEEP VOICE) Big ball blue bear bollocks. 101 00:04:22,540 --> 00:04:24,260 And now it's time for our final visit 102 00:04:24,300 --> 00:04:26,700 to the world of educational children's programming 103 00:04:26,740 --> 00:04:28,260 courtesy of everyone's favourite, 104 00:04:28,300 --> 00:04:31,700 and only occasionally inappropriate cool kids' TV character, 105 00:04:31,740 --> 00:04:33,060 Waldo. 106 00:04:36,020 --> 00:04:38,540 Whose mum's in tonight, apparently. 107 00:04:38,580 --> 00:04:41,340 Waldo, who have you had in your cave this week? 108 00:04:41,380 --> 00:04:44,700 Well, Conor, in my big pink cave this week 109 00:04:44,740 --> 00:04:47,700 I had former Minister for Culture Liam Monroe. 110 00:04:47,740 --> 00:04:49,620 Oh, he's quite handsome, isn't he? 111 00:04:49,660 --> 00:04:51,900 I was hoping he'd nosh me off! 112 00:04:51,940 --> 00:04:53,700 Want to see how it panned out? 113 00:04:53,740 --> 00:04:55,340 I think we should. 114 00:04:55,380 --> 00:04:56,700 Run VT! 115 00:04:58,100 --> 00:05:00,460 APPLAUSE 116 00:05:06,180 --> 00:05:08,220 LAUGHTER 117 00:05:09,580 --> 00:05:10,980 Hey, everybody! 118 00:05:11,020 --> 00:05:12,980 It's Waldo time! 119 00:05:13,020 --> 00:05:14,460 Yeah! 120 00:05:14,500 --> 00:05:15,980 Cool! Cool! 121 00:05:16,020 --> 00:05:18,980 Waldo-rrific! 122 00:05:19,020 --> 00:05:20,340 Ha-ha-ha! 123 00:05:20,380 --> 00:05:23,860 Hey, kids, my guest this week is Mr Monroe. 124 00:05:23,900 --> 00:05:25,420 Hello, Mr Monroe. 125 00:05:25,460 --> 00:05:26,820 Hello, Waldo. 126 00:05:26,860 --> 00:05:29,900 Mr Monroe is a politician. 127 00:05:34,100 --> 00:05:36,540 So, what is a politician, Mr Monroe? 128 00:05:36,580 --> 00:05:38,420 Well, a politician is someone 129 00:05:38,460 --> 00:05:41,140 who tries to make the world a fairer place. 130 00:05:41,180 --> 00:05:42,700 Like Batman. 131 00:05:42,740 --> 00:05:44,620 Not exactly like Batman. 132 00:05:44,660 --> 00:05:46,500 Do you beat people up? 133 00:05:46,540 --> 00:05:47,900 No, I don't beat people up. 134 00:05:47,940 --> 00:05:49,460 Oh, you're a pussy then? 135 00:05:51,300 --> 00:05:53,260 Well, I'm not sure I know exactly what... 136 00:05:53,300 --> 00:05:55,980 You don't know what pussy is? 137 00:05:56,020 --> 00:05:57,340 LAUGHTER 138 00:05:58,580 --> 00:06:01,060 OK, this is clearly some kind of joke. 139 00:06:01,100 --> 00:06:03,700 No joke, sorry, let's move on. 140 00:06:03,740 --> 00:06:04,980 Friends again? 141 00:06:05,020 --> 00:06:06,700 (KISSES) 142 00:06:14,780 --> 00:06:17,060 Oh, hello, mate, great show. 143 00:06:17,100 --> 00:06:18,180 Well done, really good. 144 00:06:18,220 --> 00:06:19,460 So, we'll bring him over. 145 00:06:19,500 --> 00:06:21,260 You go and get him, I'll explain about... 146 00:06:21,300 --> 00:06:23,060 'Now, he comes across...' 147 00:06:23,100 --> 00:06:24,420 Jamie! 148 00:06:24,460 --> 00:06:26,460 (WALDO'S VOICE) What you want, Miss Tamsin? 149 00:06:26,500 --> 00:06:28,620 Behind me, man in glasses talking to Jack Napier. 150 00:06:28,660 --> 00:06:29,340 Jack freaks me out. 151 00:06:29,380 --> 00:06:30,700 Yeah, ditto, 152 00:06:30,740 --> 00:06:32,900 but he owns the company and the man he's with is important 153 00:06:32,940 --> 00:06:33,700 and wants to talk to you. 154 00:06:33,740 --> 00:06:34,980 (SIGHS) 155 00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:36,540 He's from the channel. 156 00:06:36,580 --> 00:06:38,060 Go on. 157 00:06:38,100 --> 00:06:38,820 'Honestly, all I'm saying...' 158 00:06:38,860 --> 00:06:40,260 'Is he shy?' 159 00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:42,500 'No, all I'm saying is he's a terrific guy...' 160 00:06:42,540 --> 00:06:43,820 Jim, Jamie, Jamie, Jim. 161 00:06:43,860 --> 00:06:44,820 How do you do? 162 00:06:44,860 --> 00:06:46,060 Jim, Jack, James. 163 00:06:46,100 --> 00:06:47,340 Jamie. 164 00:06:47,380 --> 00:06:49,980 Jim was just talking about Waldo. 165 00:06:50,020 --> 00:06:52,820 Yeah. Liam Monroe has lodged a complaint. 166 00:06:53,940 --> 00:06:55,260 Toys out the pram. 167 00:06:55,300 --> 00:06:56,620 And that's...? 168 00:06:56,660 --> 00:06:57,980 Good press. 169 00:06:58,020 --> 00:07:00,420 It's so tough to get a breakthrough these days, 170 00:07:00,460 --> 00:07:02,900 but when it does, well, it's just fantastic. 171 00:07:02,940 --> 00:07:05,340 It's fantastic the way Waldo puts the piss up Monroe. 172 00:07:05,380 --> 00:07:08,780 You know, all those twats, it's punk, it's...it's... 173 00:07:08,820 --> 00:07:09,980 'Jack?' 174 00:07:10,020 --> 00:07:11,380 Excuse me. 175 00:07:12,940 --> 00:07:16,140 Well, Twitter can't get enough of Waldo, loves him. 176 00:07:17,660 --> 00:07:20,620 Look, I know the show's coming back again next year, 177 00:07:20,660 --> 00:07:23,220 but we want to see more of Waldo. 178 00:07:25,340 --> 00:07:26,620 They want to do a pilot. 179 00:07:26,660 --> 00:07:27,540 A Waldo pilot? 180 00:07:27,580 --> 00:07:29,700 Yeah. I mean, how does that sound? 181 00:07:29,740 --> 00:07:31,900 Yeah. Sounds good. 182 00:07:31,940 --> 00:07:35,100 Sounds stormin' Norman, fucking stormin'. 183 00:07:35,140 --> 00:07:36,580 Going to give it to 'em. 184 00:07:42,580 --> 00:07:44,220 PHONE BEEPS 185 00:07:56,620 --> 00:07:59,180 But look, we can't do sketches without Waldo. 186 00:07:59,220 --> 00:08:01,180 It's a Waldo pilot, it's a Waldo show, 187 00:08:01,220 --> 00:08:02,780 it's got to be Waldo, Waldo, Waldo. 188 00:08:02,820 --> 00:08:05,540 Realistically, there isn't the budget for other animations. 189 00:08:05,580 --> 00:08:07,700 I mean live action, other characters I can do. 190 00:08:07,740 --> 00:08:09,620 What about the Brown Knight? 191 00:08:09,660 --> 00:08:11,180 What, the crap crusader? 192 00:08:11,220 --> 00:08:13,140 We can look into the Brown Knight. 193 00:08:13,180 --> 00:08:15,740 But right now let's find more Waldo ideas. 194 00:08:17,380 --> 00:08:20,700 The problem is, any guests we book will be in on it. 195 00:08:20,740 --> 00:08:23,060 They know that Waldo's a joke, the surprise is gone. 196 00:08:23,100 --> 00:08:24,980 So, we think round that. 197 00:08:25,020 --> 00:08:27,660 (WALD) Hey, boys and girls! It's Waldo time! 198 00:08:27,700 --> 00:08:29,820 Yeah! Ha-ha! 199 00:08:30,940 --> 00:08:32,700 He's awesome, isn't he? 200 00:08:32,740 --> 00:08:36,460 I mean, look - sod name in lights, you're an app now, my brother. 201 00:08:38,860 --> 00:08:41,700 All right, Sara? How's the think tanking going, good shit? 202 00:08:41,740 --> 00:08:43,700 Um, yeah, yeah, we're making headway. 203 00:08:43,740 --> 00:08:45,180 Good. 204 00:08:45,220 --> 00:08:47,540 I see our friend Monroe is in the news again, 205 00:08:47,580 --> 00:08:50,260 running in the Stentonford by-election. 206 00:08:50,300 --> 00:08:51,860 We should get Waldo down there. 207 00:08:52,940 --> 00:08:55,140 Hey, that's not a bad idea, actually. 208 00:08:55,180 --> 00:08:58,340 We get a van with a screen with the image of Waldo on the side. 209 00:08:58,380 --> 00:08:59,540 Like it. 210 00:08:59,580 --> 00:09:01,780 And then, when Monroe's doing a meet and greet, 211 00:09:01,820 --> 00:09:03,620 we just turn up and just get under his skin. 212 00:09:03,660 --> 00:09:05,020 I love that, I love it. 213 00:09:05,060 --> 00:09:05,740 We've done Monroe. 214 00:09:05,780 --> 00:09:07,100 But it was a great bit. 215 00:09:07,140 --> 00:09:09,540 I'm not dumb or clever enough to be political... 216 00:09:09,580 --> 00:09:12,900 Why don't we get Waldo to stand for the by-election? 217 00:09:12,940 --> 00:09:13,980 Get people to vote for him? 218 00:09:14,020 --> 00:09:15,180 He's not real. 219 00:09:15,220 --> 00:09:17,700 But people have stood as fictional characters before. 220 00:09:17,740 --> 00:09:19,980 Do you think Screaming Lord Sutch was his real name? 221 00:09:20,020 --> 00:09:22,260 We just put "commonly known as" on the ballot. 222 00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:24,900 No-one's actually going to vote for him, that's not the point. 223 00:09:24,940 --> 00:09:27,980 The point is, we get to hang around, we're there for the count. 224 00:09:28,020 --> 00:09:30,660 Well, go on then, Sara, whack it up there. 225 00:09:51,180 --> 00:09:53,540 'He's with a mum and baby group.' 226 00:09:53,580 --> 00:09:57,220 OK. Going live in five...four...three two... 227 00:09:57,260 --> 00:09:59,900 'Thank you so much for joining me this morning.' 228 00:09:59,940 --> 00:10:01,540 It's been incredibly informative 229 00:10:01,580 --> 00:10:04,740 and I think we should have a little round of applause for the children, 230 00:10:04,780 --> 00:10:06,700 who were fantastic. 231 00:10:06,740 --> 00:10:09,220 Thank you, Naomi. 232 00:10:09,260 --> 00:10:11,100 Thank you for your time. 233 00:10:14,100 --> 00:10:15,540 Hey! 234 00:10:15,740 --> 00:10:18,100 Hey, it's me Waldo. 235 00:10:18,140 --> 00:10:20,540 Oh. I like your trainers, man! 236 00:10:20,580 --> 00:10:23,060 I'd wear trainers myself but I can't cos I haven't got feet. 237 00:10:23,100 --> 00:10:24,140 I've got stumps. 238 00:10:24,180 --> 00:10:25,580 (THEY LAUGH) 239 00:10:25,620 --> 00:10:26,380 He's out. 240 00:10:26,420 --> 00:10:28,460 Hey, Mr Monroe! Mr Monroe. 241 00:10:28,500 --> 00:10:30,580 Hey! Did you get off with any of the mums? 242 00:10:30,620 --> 00:10:32,700 Where'd you look while they were breastfeeding? 243 00:10:32,740 --> 00:10:35,180 They got big milky tits, Mr Monroe! 244 00:10:35,220 --> 00:10:36,940 He said it! 245 00:10:36,980 --> 00:10:39,380 Mr Monroe, don't walk away from me! 246 00:10:39,420 --> 00:10:39,980 I'm sorry about this, Liam. 247 00:10:40,020 --> 00:10:41,300 Hey, I'm being snubbed! 248 00:10:41,340 --> 00:10:44,020 Hey, don't ignore me. Don't just get in your car. 249 00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:46,260 It's a death trap anyway, look at it! 250 00:10:46,300 --> 00:10:48,300 Let's find out what we can about the idiot inside that thing. 251 00:10:48,340 --> 00:10:49,300 Sure. 252 00:10:50,740 --> 00:10:52,300 Mr Monroe. Oi! 253 00:10:54,060 --> 00:10:55,500 PHONE RINGING 254 00:10:55,540 --> 00:10:57,700 'Stentonford Labour Party.' 255 00:10:57,740 --> 00:10:59,620 Right, you've got a choice of styles, 256 00:10:59,660 --> 00:11:04,940 so just choose one from there. Then you put your name in there. 257 00:11:04,980 --> 00:11:06,620 This is like bloody Moonpig. 258 00:11:07,980 --> 00:11:09,780 Don't knock the free mail out. 259 00:11:11,980 --> 00:11:14,660 Bet Liam Monroe doesn't use some Fisher-Price leaflet app. 260 00:11:14,700 --> 00:11:16,180 He doesn't have to. 261 00:11:22,260 --> 00:11:24,860 Day one of the campaign in Stentonford and Hersham, 262 00:11:24,900 --> 00:11:27,700 and Tory hopeful Liam Monroe hits the ground running. 263 00:11:27,740 --> 00:11:30,620 The licence fee is something that's very close to my heart... 264 00:11:30,660 --> 00:11:32,980 'Mr Monroe, ey! Oh, oh, oh! Look at me Mr Monroe, please!' 265 00:11:33,020 --> 00:11:35,580 Hey, over here! Hey, over here... 266 00:11:35,620 --> 00:11:37,580 Look over here, Mr Monroe... 267 00:11:37,620 --> 00:11:39,380 The Conservative Party have been, er... 268 00:11:39,420 --> 00:11:43,100 Have been arguing for a reduction of the licence fee for... 269 00:11:43,140 --> 00:11:43,860 Good morning, everybody. 270 00:11:43,900 --> 00:11:44,900 Pardon? 271 00:11:45,100 --> 00:11:46,340 Why you ignoring me, Mr Monroe? Mr Monroe? Why you ignoring me? 272 00:11:46,380 --> 00:11:47,580 I beg your pardon. 273 00:11:47,620 --> 00:11:49,660 I'm sorry. It's rather loud. 274 00:11:49,700 --> 00:11:51,300 We have argued for a further reduction in the licence fee... 275 00:11:51,340 --> 00:11:53,100 Mr Monroe? Why you ignoring me? 276 00:11:53,140 --> 00:11:54,900 Mum with a pushchair - drag her into it. 277 00:11:54,940 --> 00:11:56,340 Hey, you. Mum with the pushchair. 278 00:11:56,380 --> 00:12:00,340 Yeah, you. Ask Mr Monroe why he's ignoring me. 279 00:12:00,380 --> 00:12:02,580 Why are you ignoring Waldo? 280 00:12:02,620 --> 00:12:06,020 'Mr Monroe, what's Waldo done to you?' 281 00:12:06,060 --> 00:12:09,540 We should probably just shift before this turns stupid. 282 00:12:10,860 --> 00:12:12,860 I'm not walking away from a cartoon. 283 00:12:14,740 --> 00:12:16,460 'I'm not ignoring you.' 284 00:12:16,500 --> 00:12:18,660 Yeah, you were, you upset me. 285 00:12:18,700 --> 00:12:20,780 You made Waldo sad. 286 00:12:20,820 --> 00:12:24,300 Wa-a-a-a-a-a-ah. 287 00:12:26,020 --> 00:12:29,660 Well, obviously, I'm absolutely devastated that you're upset... 288 00:12:29,700 --> 00:12:31,860 WA-A-A-A-A-A-A... 289 00:12:31,900 --> 00:12:34,180 (CROWD LAUGHS) 290 00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:37,140 Let him get a word in. 291 00:12:38,340 --> 00:12:41,780 I'm not ignoring you because there is no you. 292 00:12:41,820 --> 00:12:44,620 You are an image voiced by a comedian - 293 00:12:44,660 --> 00:12:46,500 an alleged comedian, more accurately. 294 00:12:46,540 --> 00:12:48,620 If I'm not real, why you talking to him? 295 00:12:48,660 --> 00:12:50,580 And by "him" I mean me, knobber! 296 00:12:50,620 --> 00:12:52,940 (CROWD LAUGHS) 297 00:12:52,980 --> 00:12:55,460 There's no point in attempting to converse with a cartoon. 298 00:12:55,500 --> 00:12:58,260 Ooh, "converse", Your Lordship! 299 00:12:58,300 --> 00:13:01,660 Thy flowery language doth give me a right throbbing bone-on! 300 00:13:01,700 --> 00:13:03,420 Uh-ha-ha-ha-huh! 301 00:13:03,460 --> 00:13:04,940 (CROWD GASPS AND LAUGHS) 302 00:13:04,980 --> 00:13:06,820 Uh-er-ha-ha! 303 00:13:06,860 --> 00:13:08,940 Ha-ha-ha-ha-uh-uh-uh! 304 00:13:08,980 --> 00:13:12,500 Uh-uh-uh-oh! Huh! 305 00:13:12,540 --> 00:13:13,900 Finished. 306 00:13:13,940 --> 00:13:14,900 (CROWD LAUGHS) 307 00:13:21,260 --> 00:13:23,020 Drink? 308 00:13:23,060 --> 00:13:24,620 I've got e-mails. 309 00:13:31,220 --> 00:13:34,220 You know that's Gwendolyn Harris? 310 00:13:34,260 --> 00:13:35,500 The Labour candidate. 311 00:13:37,420 --> 00:13:39,100 Did you read my background doc? 312 00:13:39,140 --> 00:13:40,260 Yes. 313 00:13:41,860 --> 00:13:44,300 Why don't you read it tonight? Alone. 314 00:13:54,060 --> 00:13:57,140 I'll swing by about nine, so have your breakfast first... 315 00:13:57,180 --> 00:13:59,180 Are you my dad? 316 00:13:59,220 --> 00:14:02,060 Apparently not. See you tomorrow. 317 00:14:03,940 --> 00:14:07,140 (TELEVISION)'..Waldo the bear left Monroe in stunned silence. 318 00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:09,660 'The colourful Waldo launched his own campaign 319 00:14:09,700 --> 00:14:12,660 'in typically loud and crowd-pleasing style...' 320 00:14:15,780 --> 00:14:17,780 Someone's bold? Do I know you? 321 00:14:17,820 --> 00:14:20,140 Nice way to greet a voter... 322 00:14:20,180 --> 00:14:22,100 Sorry, I thought you were... 323 00:14:22,140 --> 00:14:25,180 Actually, I'm more of a rival. 324 00:14:25,220 --> 00:14:28,660 "Hey, Mr Monroe, Mr Monroe, why are you ignoring me, Mr Monroe?" 325 00:14:28,700 --> 00:14:29,900 You're good at that! 326 00:14:29,940 --> 00:14:31,020 Because I am that. 327 00:14:31,060 --> 00:14:32,140 What? You're that thing? 328 00:14:32,180 --> 00:14:35,580 Waldo's not a thing, he's a bear. 329 00:14:35,620 --> 00:14:39,860 Liam Monroe calls him worse. Nice work there, by the way. 330 00:14:39,900 --> 00:14:43,380 Yeah, well. It's dick jokes at his expense basically. 331 00:14:43,420 --> 00:14:44,500 Another one? 332 00:14:44,540 --> 00:14:45,940 OK. One. 333 00:14:50,180 --> 00:14:53,340 The way you describe it, it's like you're doing this for a showreel... 334 00:14:53,380 --> 00:14:54,380 No... 335 00:14:54,420 --> 00:14:57,100 ..like this place is the equivalent of a walk-on in a sketch show... 336 00:14:57,140 --> 00:14:58,140 Shh! 337 00:14:58,300 --> 00:15:00,820 ..but your party leader has to show up because it's a...mid-thing... 338 00:15:00,860 --> 00:15:02,020 Midterm by-election. 339 00:15:02,060 --> 00:15:03,060 Terminology tits. 340 00:15:03,100 --> 00:15:04,260 You are 12! 341 00:15:04,300 --> 00:15:06,220 So because leaderballs is there, 342 00:15:06,260 --> 00:15:09,260 suddenly it's walk-on in a Ricky Gervais sketch show 343 00:15:09,300 --> 00:15:10,620 so it's good exposure. 344 00:15:10,820 --> 00:15:12,100 You're not going to win, you know you're not going to win... 345 00:15:12,140 --> 00:15:13,140 Come on, shh. 346 00:15:13,180 --> 00:15:15,180 You're not going to win though. 347 00:15:15,220 --> 00:15:16,220 Of course not. 348 00:15:16,260 --> 00:15:17,420 So, why not be honest? 349 00:15:17,460 --> 00:15:19,460 Say, "You arseholes aren't going to vote for me, 350 00:15:19,500 --> 00:15:20,900 "so here's what I think anyway."? 351 00:15:20,940 --> 00:15:21,860 It doesn't work like that. 352 00:15:21,900 --> 00:15:24,340 Nothing does, that's why everything's bollocksed. 353 00:15:24,380 --> 00:15:27,580 You're angry, for someone who's doing well. 354 00:15:27,620 --> 00:15:31,580 I'm the voice of a blue bear... 355 00:15:31,620 --> 00:15:34,220 if that's, "doing well," then we are doomed! 356 00:15:38,380 --> 00:15:39,420 I can't see! 357 00:15:39,460 --> 00:15:40,940 Hang on, there's a thing. 358 00:15:44,260 --> 00:15:47,780 Have you had a fox in here or do you live like a 14-year-old? 359 00:15:52,420 --> 00:15:54,540 Well, don't get too excited, I'm not sleeping in it. 360 00:15:54,580 --> 00:15:55,820 Shit, really? 361 00:16:12,740 --> 00:16:13,740 (You're amazing.) 362 00:16:13,780 --> 00:16:14,900 Sorry? 363 00:16:14,940 --> 00:16:16,740 You're amazing? 364 00:16:16,780 --> 00:16:18,340 Oh, thank you! 365 00:16:36,180 --> 00:16:38,540 (SIGHS) 366 00:16:42,300 --> 00:16:43,780 What's up? 367 00:16:43,820 --> 00:16:45,340 Nothing. 368 00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:46,660 Are you sure? 369 00:16:51,700 --> 00:16:53,100 It's just... 370 00:16:57,140 --> 00:16:59,820 ..I haven't been happy in a while... 371 00:17:01,860 --> 00:17:04,620 ..and this is good, you know? 372 00:17:04,660 --> 00:17:05,620 Hm. 373 00:17:15,860 --> 00:17:18,620 Can I...have your number? 374 00:17:22,620 --> 00:17:24,100 Yes! (GIGGLES) 375 00:17:41,340 --> 00:17:43,020 Where's our mark this morning? 376 00:17:43,060 --> 00:17:44,660 We're out on the road. 377 00:17:44,700 --> 00:17:46,780 Ooh...bien sur. 378 00:17:50,220 --> 00:17:57,940 Oh, hello, I'm Mr Monroe. Vote for me and keep things shitty. 379 00:17:57,980 --> 00:18:00,020 Ha-ha-ha-ha! 380 00:18:01,660 --> 00:18:03,700 PHONE KEYPAD BEEPING 381 00:18:12,260 --> 00:18:13,780 PHONE BEEPS 382 00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:25,100 Vote Waldo! Vote Waldo! 383 00:18:25,140 --> 00:18:28,300 Vote Waldo! Vote Waldo! 384 00:18:31,060 --> 00:18:32,620 'You're right. Strong Tory.' 385 00:18:32,660 --> 00:18:33,900 'I warned you.' 386 00:18:33,940 --> 00:18:37,500 You know you're on Monroe turf when they live so far apart. 387 00:18:37,540 --> 00:18:39,380 CAR HORN BEEPING 388 00:18:39,420 --> 00:18:40,900 I'm voting Waldo! 389 00:18:44,620 --> 00:18:47,020 I met Waldo last night. 390 00:18:47,060 --> 00:18:48,820 Jamie, the guy who plays him. 391 00:18:48,980 --> 00:18:49,940 He's fun. 392 00:18:49,980 --> 00:18:51,540 Fun? 393 00:18:51,580 --> 00:18:52,540 Mmm-hmm. 394 00:18:54,580 --> 00:18:57,140 Did you tell him anything about our campaign? 395 00:18:57,340 --> 00:18:58,700 Not really. 396 00:18:58,740 --> 00:19:00,340 Not really or no? 397 00:19:01,900 --> 00:19:03,100 Er, not really. 398 00:19:04,260 --> 00:19:05,420 Look, he's OK. 399 00:19:05,460 --> 00:19:06,620 He's a comedian - 400 00:19:06,660 --> 00:19:09,060 he's mocking Monroe now, it'll be you next. 401 00:19:11,140 --> 00:19:14,060 His act is all f-this and penis jokes. 402 00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:15,100 But... 403 00:19:15,140 --> 00:19:16,980 Don't see him again. 404 00:19:23,700 --> 00:19:26,660 OK. Job done till the husting tomorrow. 405 00:19:27,780 --> 00:19:30,780 Some media students doing a Question Time type thing. 406 00:19:30,820 --> 00:19:32,780 They've asked Waldo to join the panel. 407 00:19:32,820 --> 00:19:35,860 Oh, come on. It's my nightmare, going on Question Time. 408 00:19:35,900 --> 00:19:37,100 It's students, you'll walk it. 409 00:19:37,140 --> 00:19:38,980 I can't answer serious questions... 410 00:19:39,020 --> 00:19:42,100 No-one wants you to! You're the comic relief, lighten up. 411 00:19:53,820 --> 00:19:57,660 Erm, just have a look. I'm sure you'll find lots in there... 412 00:19:57,700 --> 00:20:00,140 PHONE RINGING 413 00:20:00,180 --> 00:20:05,420 Are there any particular issues that you're concerned about at all? 414 00:20:05,460 --> 00:20:07,260 TONE BEEPING 415 00:20:20,940 --> 00:20:22,140 Hey. 416 00:20:22,180 --> 00:20:23,180 Oh, hi. 417 00:20:23,220 --> 00:20:23,900 I thought we were going to...? 418 00:20:23,940 --> 00:20:25,380 Sorry - I've had a tough day... 419 00:20:25,420 --> 00:20:26,780 Right. Not even one? 420 00:20:26,820 --> 00:20:28,260 Sorry. 421 00:20:28,300 --> 00:20:29,820 Well, what about tomorrow? 422 00:20:31,300 --> 00:20:32,740 Look, I can't, when this is happening, I can't see you. 423 00:20:32,940 --> 00:20:33,860 What do you mean? 424 00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:35,100 I'm sorry. 425 00:20:52,660 --> 00:20:55,140 Do they think that looks like Question Time? 426 00:20:55,180 --> 00:20:57,180 Yeah. It looks politicsy. 427 00:20:58,740 --> 00:21:00,820 Check the host. 428 00:21:00,860 --> 00:21:01,940 Jailbait Dimbleby. 429 00:21:09,580 --> 00:21:13,300 When it comes to addiction and addicts, we should sympathise, 430 00:21:13,340 --> 00:21:15,460 but we shouldn't patronise. 431 00:21:15,500 --> 00:21:18,860 You know, serious drug use is a criminal offence, that is 432 00:21:18,900 --> 00:21:21,460 committed voluntarily and for pleasure... 433 00:21:21,500 --> 00:21:22,660 AUDIENCE MUTTERS MUTINOUSLY 434 00:21:22,700 --> 00:21:24,940 Look, I'm sorry, these are the facts. 435 00:21:24,980 --> 00:21:26,340 Waldo, what do you think? 436 00:21:26,380 --> 00:21:27,980 Mr Monroe, are you addicted? 437 00:21:28,020 --> 00:21:29,740 No. 438 00:21:29,780 --> 00:21:31,740 Sorry, I mean, are you a dickhead? 439 00:21:31,780 --> 00:21:32,900 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 440 00:21:34,460 --> 00:21:35,980 I think we have to ask ourselves... 441 00:21:36,020 --> 00:21:39,420 I think we have to ask ourselves, what is this for? 442 00:21:39,460 --> 00:21:43,340 And why do we waste our time with animated trivialities like him? 443 00:21:43,380 --> 00:21:45,100 AUDIENCE WHOOPING 444 00:21:45,140 --> 00:21:46,300 I mean why? 445 00:21:46,340 --> 00:21:47,340 Why? I mean why? 446 00:21:47,380 --> 00:21:49,340 (ON A LOOP) I mean why? I mean why? 447 00:21:49,380 --> 00:21:50,860 I mean why? I mean why? 448 00:21:50,900 --> 00:21:54,340 This is just the kind of thing... rather than see you laugh... 449 00:21:54,500 --> 00:21:55,900 They laugh at you, Limbo. 450 00:21:55,940 --> 00:21:58,380 You laugh, you're laughing at someone who won't engage. 451 00:21:58,420 --> 00:22:02,860 Who is scared to engage, who hides behind a children's cartoon. 452 00:22:02,900 --> 00:22:05,500 Who you calling a kiddy toon, fool? 453 00:22:05,540 --> 00:22:10,340 I'm...I'm...I'm speaking about James Salter. 454 00:22:10,380 --> 00:22:11,620 Hm? 455 00:22:13,300 --> 00:22:15,380 Don't worry about it. 456 00:22:15,420 --> 00:22:17,460 That's your name, isn't it? 457 00:22:17,500 --> 00:22:19,980 James Salter, this is the man who's behind all this. 458 00:22:20,020 --> 00:22:22,900 He's 33 years old, 459 00:22:22,940 --> 00:22:26,740 a man whose career can be summed up surprisingly quickly. 460 00:22:26,780 --> 00:22:28,260 You were in a sketch troupe 461 00:22:28,300 --> 00:22:30,660 that enjoyed minor success about six years ago, 462 00:22:30,700 --> 00:22:32,740 and the others moved on to better things, 463 00:22:32,780 --> 00:22:35,500 but your main achievement seems to have been playing 464 00:22:35,540 --> 00:22:37,180 the part of a corn on the cob 465 00:22:37,220 --> 00:22:40,300 in a high-interest personal loan commercial. 466 00:22:40,340 --> 00:22:41,620 LAUGHTER 467 00:22:41,660 --> 00:22:43,460 I notice you keep that pretty quiet. 468 00:22:43,500 --> 00:22:46,660 And now of course operating this sort of teddy bear thing. 469 00:22:46,700 --> 00:22:49,500 Which by the way is easier than it looks. Anyone could do it. 470 00:22:49,540 --> 00:22:55,980 See, this is...this is the thing. It's easy, what he does. 471 00:22:56,020 --> 00:22:57,460 He mocks. 472 00:22:57,500 --> 00:22:59,980 And when he can't think of an authentic joke, 473 00:23:00,020 --> 00:23:02,820 which is actually quite often, he just swears. 474 00:23:03,860 --> 00:23:07,940 I think that this puppet's inclusion on this panel debases the 475 00:23:07,980 --> 00:23:12,020 process of debate, and smothers any meaningful discussion of the issues. 476 00:23:12,060 --> 00:23:16,620 So I return to my original question, is that really what this is for? 477 00:23:16,660 --> 00:23:19,820 He has nothing to offer and he has nothing to say. 478 00:23:19,860 --> 00:23:22,460 Prove me wrong. Hm? 479 00:23:22,500 --> 00:23:24,580 Speak, Waldo. 480 00:23:24,620 --> 00:23:28,780 Please. Come on. Speak up. 481 00:23:31,980 --> 00:23:34,380 There you see, nothing. 482 00:23:34,420 --> 00:23:35,460 Oh, go fuck yourself. 483 00:23:35,500 --> 00:23:37,580 LAUGHTER 484 00:23:37,620 --> 00:23:39,340 It's more swearing. 485 00:23:39,380 --> 00:23:40,660 You're a joke. 486 00:23:40,700 --> 00:23:41,900 You look less human than I do 487 00:23:41,940 --> 00:23:44,060 and I'm a made-up bear with a turquoise cock. 488 00:23:44,100 --> 00:23:45,860 LAUGHTER 489 00:23:47,340 --> 00:23:51,380 What are you? You're just an old attitude with new hair. 490 00:23:51,420 --> 00:23:54,260 Assuming you're my superior because I'm not taking you seriously? 491 00:23:54,300 --> 00:23:56,620 No-one takes you seriously, that's why no-one votes. 492 00:23:56,660 --> 00:23:57,940 The vast majority do vote. 493 00:23:57,980 --> 00:23:58,820 It's bullshit. 494 00:23:58,860 --> 00:24:00,100 Surely this is enough? 495 00:24:00,140 --> 00:24:01,740 You think you deserve respect. 496 00:24:01,780 --> 00:24:02,820 Just common courtesy. 497 00:24:02,860 --> 00:24:04,260 Because you went to public school 498 00:24:04,300 --> 00:24:06,460 and believed you were entitled to everything. 499 00:24:06,500 --> 00:24:07,180 Perhaps we could get back... 500 00:24:07,220 --> 00:24:08,540 Ad hominem nonsense... 501 00:24:08,580 --> 00:24:09,700 Gwendolyn Harris... 502 00:24:09,740 --> 00:24:12,740 Something's got to change. No-one trusts you lot cos they know 503 00:24:12,780 --> 00:24:15,460 you don't give a shit about anything outside your bubble. 504 00:24:15,500 --> 00:24:18,180 What about your mate Gladwell, the kiddy-flasher? 505 00:24:18,220 --> 00:24:20,940 You knew him for 20 years, did you not know what he was like? 506 00:24:20,980 --> 00:24:22,180 No, of course not. 507 00:24:22,220 --> 00:24:26,460 Yeah, cos you're all just front, like him, sly and pretending, 508 00:24:26,500 --> 00:24:28,460 and in that way you're all the same. 509 00:24:28,500 --> 00:24:33,220 Gwendolyn Harris, is all of politics a waste of time? 510 00:24:33,260 --> 00:24:35,740 Well, of course I think no... 511 00:24:35,780 --> 00:24:38,780 Oh, shut up, you're worse! 512 00:24:38,820 --> 00:24:40,540 Seriously, she's faker than him. 513 00:24:40,580 --> 00:24:43,180 For once I agree with Liam Monroe in that this... 514 00:24:43,220 --> 00:24:43,620 Are you going to win? 515 00:24:43,660 --> 00:24:46,820 ..doesn't get us anywhere and there's no point in us continuing... 516 00:24:47,020 --> 00:24:48,300 Tell them why you're here. 517 00:24:48,340 --> 00:24:49,820 ..if we can't have anything resembling a deba... 518 00:24:49,860 --> 00:24:51,900 Tell them why you're here. 519 00:24:55,060 --> 00:24:57,180 She's here to build a showreel. 520 00:24:57,340 --> 00:24:59,740 I'm not kidding, that's literally it. 521 00:24:59,780 --> 00:25:01,940 Knows she's not going to win. This is all experience, 522 00:25:01,980 --> 00:25:03,220 to get on telly. 523 00:25:03,260 --> 00:25:05,860 She actually gives less of a shit about anyone round here than 524 00:25:05,900 --> 00:25:08,220 he does, because he'll actually have to represent you. 525 00:25:08,260 --> 00:25:09,460 Am I wrong? 526 00:25:09,500 --> 00:25:13,460 A career politician. Someone else less real than me, 527 00:25:13,500 --> 00:25:14,740 and I can do this. 528 00:25:14,780 --> 00:25:17,060 LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING 529 00:25:18,940 --> 00:25:20,820 Can I just make a couple of points? 530 00:25:20,860 --> 00:25:22,540 Oh, shut up, you pebble. 531 00:25:22,580 --> 00:25:25,220 What is this for? That's what you wanted to know, Mr Monroe. 532 00:25:25,260 --> 00:25:28,220 And the truth is, none of us know any more, thanks to you. 533 00:25:28,260 --> 00:25:31,460 What are you for? What are you for? 534 00:25:31,500 --> 00:25:33,220 Thank you and goodnight. 535 00:25:33,260 --> 00:25:34,540 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 536 00:26:21,420 --> 00:26:24,020 KNOCKING 537 00:26:24,060 --> 00:26:25,980 Jamie. 538 00:26:27,780 --> 00:26:28,940 Jamie? 539 00:26:30,580 --> 00:26:33,020 Jack's here. He wants to see us. 540 00:26:34,300 --> 00:26:35,380 You can't avoid it. 541 00:26:40,780 --> 00:26:43,980 Get dressed, he'll meet us outside. 542 00:26:58,420 --> 00:27:00,540 (TV) 'And yet accusations of vapidity aside, 543 00:27:00,580 --> 00:27:02,860 'it's clearly tapped a nerve. 544 00:27:02,900 --> 00:27:05,620 'in just three days, Waldo has gone viral. 545 00:27:05,660 --> 00:27:09,540 'The video of his clash has already been viewed over a million times 546 00:27:09,580 --> 00:27:12,860 'on YouTube. There are Facebook groups calling on Waldo 547 00:27:12,900 --> 00:27:15,660 'to form a national party.' 548 00:27:15,700 --> 00:27:17,380 'You're a joke. 549 00:27:17,420 --> 00:27:20,460 'You look less human than I do and I'm a made-up bear with 550 00:27:20,500 --> 00:27:22,660 'a turquoise (BLEEP) What are you? 551 00:27:22,820 --> 00:27:25,300 'You're just an old attitude with new hair. 552 00:27:25,340 --> 00:27:29,260 'Assuming you're my superior because I'm not taking you seriously. 553 00:27:29,300 --> 00:27:32,100 'No-one takes you (BLEEP) seriously.' 554 00:27:32,140 --> 00:27:33,500 MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY 555 00:27:40,300 --> 00:27:42,460 Oh, look, here he is the man of the moment! 556 00:27:42,500 --> 00:27:44,180 How does it feel to be a phenomenon? 557 00:27:44,220 --> 00:27:45,220 Shitifying. 558 00:27:46,780 --> 00:27:48,300 You are everywhere, my son. 559 00:27:48,340 --> 00:27:50,460 Twitter, the news... Have you seen the poll? 560 00:27:50,500 --> 00:27:52,660 You're in third place, mate. 561 00:27:52,700 --> 00:27:54,260 You overtook that Lib Dem prick... 562 00:27:54,300 --> 00:27:55,540 Yeah, well, he's a glass of water. 563 00:27:55,580 --> 00:27:56,900 This is an opportunity, Jamie. 564 00:27:56,940 --> 00:27:58,940 He knows my name now. 565 00:27:58,980 --> 00:28:00,740 We could really do something here. 566 00:28:00,780 --> 00:28:03,100 You know, everyone's pissed with the status quo. 567 00:28:03,140 --> 00:28:04,940 And Waldo gives that a voice. 568 00:28:04,980 --> 00:28:07,740 Waldo's a bear. A blue bear. 569 00:28:07,780 --> 00:28:09,300 Tell him, Tams. 570 00:28:09,340 --> 00:28:11,540 We've been asked on Consensus. 571 00:28:11,580 --> 00:28:14,980 It's a ten-minute one-to-one interview with Phillip Crane. 572 00:28:15,020 --> 00:28:16,100 Pitbull Crane? 573 00:28:16,140 --> 00:28:17,180 Big guns for big guns. 574 00:28:17,220 --> 00:28:20,460 Hello? I'm not a politician, OK? I don't want to be a politician. 575 00:28:20,500 --> 00:28:21,820 We know that you hate politics. 576 00:28:21,860 --> 00:28:24,380 I don't hate them, I'm just not interested in them. 577 00:28:24,420 --> 00:28:26,100 You don't need to be interested in them. 578 00:28:26,140 --> 00:28:27,420 You just need to be Waldo. 579 00:28:28,900 --> 00:28:31,420 And when Crane asks something tricky and I look stupid 580 00:28:31,460 --> 00:28:32,340 because I don't know how to answer? 581 00:28:32,380 --> 00:28:34,420 You'll know the answer. 582 00:28:34,460 --> 00:28:36,180 Because you have a producer. 583 00:28:36,220 --> 00:28:39,820 Look, I can tell you what to say. 584 00:28:39,860 --> 00:28:42,580 I can live Google any facts, give you stats, quotes, 585 00:28:42,620 --> 00:28:43,620 whatever else you need. 586 00:28:43,660 --> 00:28:46,020 So you've got a safety net for the concrete stuff 587 00:28:46,060 --> 00:28:48,420 and the rest is Waldo and you can do that in your sleep. 588 00:28:48,460 --> 00:28:50,460 You'll piss all over Crane. 589 00:28:50,500 --> 00:28:52,540 He'll know there's a team around me, he'll see it. 590 00:28:52,580 --> 00:28:55,140 Yeah good. I hope he does. I hope he points a camera at it. 591 00:28:55,180 --> 00:28:58,220 All the other MPs have got teams, we're just more honest about it. 592 00:28:58,260 --> 00:29:00,700 Now come on. What d'you say? Eh? 593 00:29:04,140 --> 00:29:05,500 Jamie! Jamie! 594 00:29:05,540 --> 00:29:06,860 Why would I want to do this? 595 00:29:06,900 --> 00:29:09,780 Look, the world is knackered and you can do something about it. 596 00:29:09,820 --> 00:29:11,260 I don't know what you're on about. 597 00:29:11,300 --> 00:29:14,180 Waldo has got the attention of the young, and the young don't 598 00:29:14,220 --> 00:29:17,220 give a shit about anything except trainers and pirating films. 599 00:29:17,260 --> 00:29:19,940 Do you have any other astounding theories about young people? 600 00:29:19,980 --> 00:29:23,580 Yeah, yeah I do actually. Look, they care about Waldo. 601 00:29:23,620 --> 00:29:24,900 They'll vote for Waldo. 602 00:29:24,940 --> 00:29:26,380 The video was a hit for a reason. 603 00:29:26,420 --> 00:29:28,700 The video's embarrassing. I'm embarrassed by it. 604 00:29:28,740 --> 00:29:30,620 I was lashing out. I wasn't even articulate - 605 00:29:30,660 --> 00:29:32,820 Doesn't matter. Or funny, which is almost worse. 606 00:29:32,860 --> 00:29:34,100 We can build on that. 607 00:29:34,140 --> 00:29:35,180 Waldo's not real. 608 00:29:35,220 --> 00:29:38,980 Exactly! That's what you said that really hit home. He's not real, 609 00:29:39,020 --> 00:29:40,540 but he's realer than all the others. 610 00:29:40,580 --> 00:29:42,260 He doesn't stand for anything. 611 00:29:42,300 --> 00:29:44,660 Yeah, well, at least he doesn't pretend to. 612 00:29:44,700 --> 00:29:47,180 Look we...we don't need politicians, 613 00:29:47,220 --> 00:29:50,020 we've all got iPhones and computers, right? 614 00:29:50,060 --> 00:29:53,580 So any decision that has to be made, any policy, we just put it online. 615 00:29:53,620 --> 00:29:57,340 Let the people vote thumbs up, thumbs down, the majority wins. 616 00:29:57,380 --> 00:30:00,220 That's a democracy. That's a... that's an actual democracy. 617 00:30:00,260 --> 00:30:03,220 So's YouTube and I don't know if you've seen it but the most 618 00:30:03,260 --> 00:30:07,260 popular video is a dog farting the theme tune to Happy Days. 619 00:30:09,380 --> 00:30:11,300 Well, today it's Waldo. 620 00:30:11,340 --> 00:30:13,860 No. It's still the dog. 621 00:30:13,900 --> 00:30:16,500 Listen, can you imagine all the things we can change 622 00:30:16,540 --> 00:30:18,540 if we fuck the politicians out the equation? 623 00:30:18,580 --> 00:30:21,020 I've said what I've said and now I'm shutting this door. 624 00:30:27,100 --> 00:30:29,100 Do you know who owns Waldo? 625 00:30:29,140 --> 00:30:30,300 I do, I own the rights. 626 00:30:32,900 --> 00:30:34,180 He's my character. 627 00:30:34,220 --> 00:30:35,780 Yeah, written for my show. 628 00:30:36,860 --> 00:30:41,540 You're too frightened to take to the next level. Fine. I understand. 629 00:30:41,580 --> 00:30:43,420 But also, fuck off! 630 00:30:43,460 --> 00:30:44,500 And watch me fly. 631 00:30:44,540 --> 00:30:46,820 You own Waldo, you can't be Waldo. 632 00:30:49,540 --> 00:30:53,020 (MIMICS WALDO) Eh, Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, what's 'appenin, eh? 633 00:30:55,260 --> 00:30:56,500 Pretty close, I'd say. 634 00:31:07,750 --> 00:31:09,710 What's happenin'? Ahh! 635 00:31:09,750 --> 00:31:13,550 Waldorific, yeah! Yeah! 636 00:31:13,590 --> 00:31:14,790 Why is it going off left again? 637 00:31:14,830 --> 00:31:15,630 Because the... 638 00:31:15,670 --> 00:31:16,590 I know! I've got my... 639 00:31:16,630 --> 00:31:17,870 Put your thumb in the white thing. 640 00:31:17,910 --> 00:31:19,830 I got that. In there? OK. 641 00:31:19,870 --> 00:31:21,470 That's not how that works. 642 00:31:30,470 --> 00:31:34,790 First tonight, a figure - or more accurately a character - 643 00:31:34,830 --> 00:31:38,510 who's been causing an upset in the Stentonford by-election. 644 00:31:38,550 --> 00:31:41,790 Unlike the other candidates, he has no party affiliation. 645 00:31:41,830 --> 00:31:43,630 He doesn't even have a surname. 646 00:31:43,670 --> 00:31:48,070 He is Waldo, a few weeks ago just a cult character in a comedy show. 647 00:31:48,110 --> 00:31:51,710 Today, an official mascot for protest voters. 648 00:31:51,750 --> 00:31:53,030 Vote Waldo. 649 00:31:53,070 --> 00:31:56,230 Cartoons don't play by the rules and Waldo's open disdain 650 00:31:56,270 --> 00:31:59,030 for his opponents has clearly struck a chord. 651 00:32:01,670 --> 00:32:04,350 Waldo, as a mascot for the disenfranchised, aren't you 652 00:32:04,390 --> 00:32:07,630 ultimately neutralizing seriously effective dissent? 653 00:32:08,830 --> 00:32:10,710 Can I have subtitles for Mr Crane, please? 654 00:32:10,750 --> 00:32:14,150 By encouraging people not to care, you're actively dangerous. 655 00:32:14,190 --> 00:32:16,150 Dangerous? You think the public can't be trusted? 656 00:32:16,190 --> 00:32:17,230 No. 657 00:32:17,270 --> 00:32:18,710 Isn't that basically you calling them twats? 658 00:32:18,750 --> 00:32:19,710 No, I... 659 00:32:19,750 --> 00:32:20,790 Bell-ends then? 660 00:32:20,830 --> 00:32:22,350 Did you come for a discussion or... 661 00:32:22,390 --> 00:32:25,590 You're snooty for a glorified Punch And Judy man, Phil. 662 00:32:25,630 --> 00:32:28,470 You know you're gonna get your best ratings in months cos I'm here. 663 00:32:28,510 --> 00:32:31,230 To even get close to the figures I'm gonna pull in for you tonight, 664 00:32:31,270 --> 00:32:34,070 you'd have to fuck a prawn sandwich live on air. 665 00:32:34,110 --> 00:32:35,710 Make a nice prawn cocktail. 666 00:32:35,750 --> 00:32:37,870 Could we make a serious political point that is... 667 00:32:37,910 --> 00:32:39,790 I've got one big blue point to make, fool. 668 00:32:39,830 --> 00:32:40,590 Would you like to have a look at it? 669 00:32:40,750 --> 00:32:41,630 Oh, God. Thank you. 670 00:32:41,670 --> 00:32:44,430 Great work tonight. Look at...Look at this, look at this. 671 00:32:44,470 --> 00:32:47,590 It's The Waldo polling app. Now, this can pinpoint you with GPS 672 00:32:47,630 --> 00:32:49,430 so that when you're at a polling station, 673 00:32:49,470 --> 00:32:51,110 it unlocks loads of free shit, look. 674 00:32:51,190 --> 00:32:52,430 Thanks for voting, dickhead! 675 00:32:52,470 --> 00:32:54,990 Thanks for voting, dickhead! 676 00:32:55,030 --> 00:32:56,150 It's good, isn't it? 677 00:32:56,190 --> 00:32:57,590 Who's this guy we're meeting? 678 00:32:57,630 --> 00:33:01,670 I dunno. But he's from Washington and he's got my restricted number. 679 00:33:04,910 --> 00:33:07,590 Jeff Carter, from the agency. 680 00:33:07,750 --> 00:33:08,230 Hey. Hey. 681 00:33:08,270 --> 00:33:09,510 And I'll leap right in. 682 00:33:09,550 --> 00:33:12,110 I think what you're doing with Waldo is fascinating. 683 00:33:12,150 --> 00:33:13,430 From "the agency"? 684 00:33:13,470 --> 00:33:17,070 Yeah, listen. Waldo may be the perfect political figurehead. 685 00:33:17,110 --> 00:33:18,590 Waldo The Bear. 686 00:33:18,630 --> 00:33:21,630 The bear, people like. The fact he's a bear is an assist. 687 00:33:21,670 --> 00:33:22,070 An assist? 688 00:33:22,110 --> 00:33:23,150 It helps. 689 00:33:23,190 --> 00:33:25,350 Right. You look at human politicians, 690 00:33:25,390 --> 00:33:28,230 you're instinctively like, "brrrr" - uncanny, right? 691 00:33:28,270 --> 00:33:29,430 Like the girls in porn. 692 00:33:29,470 --> 00:33:31,910 You know something's wrong, cos why else are they doing it? 693 00:33:31,950 --> 00:33:33,630 It's usually daddy issues, eh? 694 00:33:33,670 --> 00:33:35,910 Just like politics. Waldo bypasses that. 695 00:33:35,950 --> 00:33:38,430 You already know he's not real, so no personal flaws. 696 00:33:38,470 --> 00:33:39,870 I'm a person. 697 00:33:39,910 --> 00:33:41,790 With respect, Waldo's more than you. 698 00:33:41,830 --> 00:33:45,430 He's a team, and you're open about that, which is fantastic. 699 00:33:45,470 --> 00:33:47,390 The honesty thing works. 700 00:33:47,430 --> 00:33:51,630 Waldo is a construct people not just accept but embrace. 701 00:33:51,670 --> 00:33:53,590 At the moment he's anti-politics, 702 00:33:53,630 --> 00:33:56,630 which is a political stance itself, right? 703 00:33:56,670 --> 00:33:59,750 But he could deliver any brand of political content, 704 00:33:59,790 --> 00:34:02,430 minus the potential downsides of a human messenger. 705 00:34:02,470 --> 00:34:06,350 In a debate, your team could Google every word the other guy says, 706 00:34:06,390 --> 00:34:08,350 then let Waldo hit him with debunk stats 707 00:34:08,390 --> 00:34:11,510 and spit a Twitter-ready zinger into the next sentence. 708 00:34:11,550 --> 00:34:13,870 He's the perfect assassin. 709 00:34:13,910 --> 00:34:15,590 We won't win, though. 710 00:34:19,310 --> 00:34:21,270 You guys are so British. 711 00:34:21,310 --> 00:34:25,430 No, of course he won't win. You started out too coarse off the bat. 712 00:34:25,470 --> 00:34:28,630 There's no substantial basis to what you offer, and the whole 713 00:34:28,790 --> 00:34:33,070 nihilist "democracy sucks" thing, yeah, is kind of wack-a-doo, 714 00:34:33,110 --> 00:34:37,510 but with a targeted, hopeful message, which we can provide, 715 00:34:37,550 --> 00:34:40,710 energising the disenfranchised without spooking the middle 716 00:34:40,750 --> 00:34:45,150 via your new platform... You got a global political-entertainment 717 00:34:45,190 --> 00:34:47,710 product people actually want. 718 00:34:49,270 --> 00:34:51,070 You could roll this out worldwide. 719 00:34:51,110 --> 00:34:52,990 Like Pringles. 720 00:34:53,030 --> 00:34:54,390 Absolutely. 721 00:34:59,270 --> 00:35:02,790 It's, er... It's interesting stuff though. 722 00:35:02,830 --> 00:35:04,630 When you're done with Stentonford, 723 00:35:04,670 --> 00:35:07,230 there may be an opportunity in South America. 724 00:35:07,270 --> 00:35:08,870 Se puede hablar espanol? 725 00:35:08,910 --> 00:35:11,270 Vivi en Madrid tres anos. 726 00:35:11,310 --> 00:35:13,150 Excelente. 727 00:35:32,110 --> 00:35:33,350 What? 728 00:35:34,670 --> 00:35:36,150 He's not coming. 729 00:35:36,190 --> 00:35:38,790 But he's the party leader! 730 00:35:38,830 --> 00:35:39,910 It's too toxic. 731 00:35:43,710 --> 00:35:45,910 (TV) Meanwhile, as support for Gwendolyn Harris 732 00:35:45,950 --> 00:35:47,150 appears to be dwindling, 733 00:35:47,190 --> 00:35:51,070 Labour denies the party is losing faith in their young candidate. 734 00:35:51,110 --> 00:35:53,710 But Miss Harris spent most of the day locked in crisis talks 735 00:35:53,750 --> 00:35:54,990 at party headqu... 736 00:35:58,670 --> 00:36:02,950 In the Stentonford by-election, Waldo the cartoon bear continues... 737 00:36:04,190 --> 00:36:06,670 Did you see Gwendolyn Harris yesterday? 738 00:36:06,710 --> 00:36:08,750 She looks like she's been poisoned. 739 00:36:08,790 --> 00:36:11,150 Because he's gonna overtake her. 740 00:36:11,190 --> 00:36:12,510 We're still way ahead. 741 00:36:12,550 --> 00:36:15,870 If that thing is the main opposition then the whole system looks absurd. 742 00:36:18,550 --> 00:36:21,110 Which it may well be. 743 00:36:21,150 --> 00:36:22,550 But it built these roads. 744 00:36:28,670 --> 00:36:29,670 KNOCK AT DOOR 745 00:36:30,670 --> 00:36:32,510 Just come in, Roy. 746 00:36:38,750 --> 00:36:40,510 I'm sorry, OK? 747 00:36:42,030 --> 00:36:44,430 It was wrong to speak to you like that and... 748 00:36:44,470 --> 00:36:46,870 After the campaign, I would've called you. 749 00:36:48,150 --> 00:36:50,150 After the campaign! 750 00:36:50,190 --> 00:36:52,310 All you've done is strengthen Monroe. 751 00:36:53,310 --> 00:36:57,070 You won't win either, but I was at least attempting to represent... 752 00:36:57,110 --> 00:37:00,070 Well I don't know! Not just "bollocks to everything". 753 00:37:00,110 --> 00:37:02,750 If you were preaching revolution, well that'd be something, 754 00:37:02,790 --> 00:37:05,830 but you're not because that would require courage and a mindset. 755 00:37:07,110 --> 00:37:08,470 And what have you got? 756 00:37:10,030 --> 00:37:11,230 Who are you? 757 00:37:12,670 --> 00:37:14,270 What are you for? 758 00:37:21,430 --> 00:37:22,510 Morning. 759 00:37:32,470 --> 00:37:34,270 So, final push. 760 00:37:34,310 --> 00:37:35,950 You remind everyone that's got the app 761 00:37:35,990 --> 00:37:39,710 that if they recommend it to a friend it unlocks a little fez for Waldo. 762 00:37:39,750 --> 00:37:40,830 We're here. 763 00:37:43,750 --> 00:37:45,990 Attention, shoppers. 764 00:37:46,030 --> 00:37:49,430 I'm here to ask you an important favour. Gather round. 765 00:37:49,470 --> 00:37:51,590 Come over here and listen. 766 00:37:54,110 --> 00:37:57,230 Don't vote for me. I'm an insult. 767 00:37:57,270 --> 00:37:58,790 Seriously. 768 00:37:58,830 --> 00:38:01,790 Vote for Monroe or Harris or, I dunno, UKIP, 769 00:38:01,830 --> 00:38:03,630 or even that Lib Dem guy. 770 00:38:03,670 --> 00:38:05,270 He's a prick! 771 00:38:05,310 --> 00:38:08,910 Seriously, only an arsehole would actually vote for me. 772 00:38:09,070 --> 00:38:10,070 What is this? Irony? 773 00:38:10,110 --> 00:38:11,790 I'm worse than a wasted vote. 774 00:38:11,830 --> 00:38:13,550 He's from the Harris campaign. 775 00:38:13,590 --> 00:38:15,790 I mean it, you idiots! Don't vote for me! 776 00:38:15,830 --> 00:38:17,990 Don't vote for me! Don't vote for me! 777 00:38:18,030 --> 00:38:19,910 Don't vote for me! 778 00:38:19,950 --> 00:38:21,670 Don't vmmmf! 779 00:38:24,030 --> 00:38:25,150 Shut up. 780 00:38:25,190 --> 00:38:27,070 No. Don't boo him, he's right! He's right! 781 00:38:27,110 --> 00:38:28,270 What are you doing? 782 00:38:28,310 --> 00:38:28,710 Resigning. 783 00:38:28,750 --> 00:38:29,950 Jamie! 784 00:38:31,390 --> 00:38:33,150 Look! It's me, I'm Waldo. 785 00:38:33,190 --> 00:38:36,350 This guy, whoever this guy is, he's a hero. 786 00:38:36,390 --> 00:38:38,710 You should throw stuff at Waldo, he's bad bloody news. 787 00:38:38,750 --> 00:38:38,910 He's funny! 788 00:38:38,950 --> 00:38:40,070 He's not. 789 00:38:40,230 --> 00:38:42,630 Don't listen to that man, he's a lesbian. Ahh! 790 00:38:42,670 --> 00:38:46,270 So remember, the polls are open, and if you've got my app, you can 791 00:38:46,310 --> 00:38:49,630 unlock new stuff like catchphrases and a little hat 'n' that. 792 00:38:49,670 --> 00:38:53,990 Only an idiot wouldn't vote for me so question the status quo! 793 00:38:54,030 --> 00:38:55,270 Kill it! Kill it! 794 00:38:55,310 --> 00:38:57,150 Kick them where it hurts. 795 00:38:57,190 --> 00:38:59,790 The first man to hit him gets 500 quid! 796 00:38:59,830 --> 00:39:03,270 Yeah, that's right. Knock him down. Knock him down. 797 00:39:03,310 --> 00:39:04,710 Smash it! 798 00:39:04,750 --> 00:39:06,870 Yeah! Yeah! 799 00:39:06,910 --> 00:39:11,230 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah... 800 00:39:20,550 --> 00:39:21,910 (TV) I, the undersigned, 801 00:39:21,950 --> 00:39:24,030 being the returning officer for the Stentonford 802 00:39:24,070 --> 00:39:27,550 and Hersham constituency, hereby give notice that the total number 803 00:39:27,590 --> 00:39:31,030 of votes recorded for each candidate at the election is as follows. 804 00:39:32,390 --> 00:39:35,990 Finch, Simon Arthur. Liberal Democrats. 805 00:39:36,030 --> 00:39:38,150 2,449. 806 00:39:38,190 --> 00:39:41,350 APPLAUSE 807 00:39:41,390 --> 00:39:44,790 Harris, Gwendolyn Jodie. Labour. 808 00:39:44,830 --> 00:39:47,070 11,237. 809 00:39:47,110 --> 00:39:50,630 APPLAUSE AND BOOING 810 00:39:50,670 --> 00:39:55,110 Monroe, Liam George Tennyson. Conservative. 811 00:39:55,150 --> 00:39:57,390 19,161. 812 00:39:57,430 --> 00:40:00,670 JEERING 813 00:40:04,110 --> 00:40:06,150 Waldo, Independent. 814 00:40:09,710 --> 00:40:12,070 16,784. 815 00:40:12,110 --> 00:40:15,950 BOOING AND SHOUTING 816 00:40:15,990 --> 00:40:20,070 Ladies...Ladies and gentlemen, please! I declare that Liam Monroe 817 00:40:20,110 --> 00:40:22,790 is duly elected member of Parliament for the constituency. 818 00:40:22,830 --> 00:40:25,070 BOOING 819 00:40:25,110 --> 00:40:27,430 Hey, hey! Everyone! 820 00:40:27,470 --> 00:40:29,950 500 quid to anyone who can lob a shoe! 821 00:41:00,390 --> 00:41:02,630 Up you get, come on. 822 00:41:02,670 --> 00:41:03,950 Come on! 823 00:41:06,230 --> 00:41:09,510 MECHANICAL WHIRRING 824 00:41:12,830 --> 00:41:14,510 Come on. Out you go. 825 00:41:46,310 --> 00:41:50,590 AUDIO IN MANDARIN 826 00:42:09,870 --> 00:42:10,910 GLASS SMASHES 827 00:42:10,950 --> 00:42:12,350 Oi! 828 00:42:13,670 --> 00:42:14,870 Agh! 829 00:42:31,550 --> 00:42:34,590 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 830 00:42:35,305 --> 00:43:35,277 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org