Who the hell are you?
It's not who so much as what. This is a men's room.
What's your name, fella?
I'm Shirley Schmidt. Pardon the intrusion but...
one of our assistants is suing us under title IX,
claiming, among other things, the men have better fixtures.
So you're Shirley Schmidt of Crane, Poole &...
Schmidt.
Alan Shore. It's a pleasure.
Surely you intend to wash that first.
I keep an extremely clean penis.
- I know all about you. - And I you.
There's much written in stall number 2.
I pictured you younger. Much.
A smart attorney recognizes who he can or cannot rattle.
He also knows a good rattle when he sees one.
Since I'm your boss, I can't return your sexual banter,
but I will say, for the record, that if I were looking for a rattle,
he would be taller, he would be better-looking.
He would be more evolved than a junior in high school.
I prefer the juniors in high school.
He would be something other than a self-loathing narcissist with a dwarf fetish,
and, yes, judging from what I got a glimpse of in the mirror
when I first entered the room, he would be bigger.
Much.
My, my, my.
Boston Legal 1x11. Schmidt Happens
ORIGINAL AIR DATE ON ABC: 2005/01/09
She's been in the New York office the last three years.
Rumor has it Lewiston called her back to get things into shape.
What things?
Us things. Litigation has been under performing, Sally.
Plus, our image around town is becoming that of...
- Denny Crane. - Exactly.
The truth is, we need a kick in the ass, and I'm glad she's back.
- Uh, Lori... - Is Shirley Schmidt really back?
Temporarily. I need you in the conference room on another matter. It's urgent.
- I'm available. - As soon as you can, please.
Why is she back?
Evidently, Lewiston asked her to return.
- Why? - This I do not know.
I do not want Shirley Schmidt in this building.
Denny, she's a named partner. You can't exactly ban her presence.
I'm gonna tell you something I haven't told anybody.
I once had a torrid...
torrid affair with that woman.
- First, everybody knows that... - and second, the word would be "horrid."
Shirley.
This firm isn't big enough for the two of us.
I agree. It would be best if we could be in different cities but...
it's our differences, ironically, that call for me to be here now.
What differences, specifically?
Well, for starters, I still know how to practice law.
I don't have to go around saying my name out loud in order to remember it.
I don't want you here.
Is it because...
you still desire me?
Ha.
I'm over my wrinkle fetish.
- You don't arouse me, Shirley. - Oh, please,
all I have to do is say those two combustible little words.
Denny Crane.
She's still hot.
Alan, there's a guy on the phone. He isn't a client.
He picked us out of the yellow pages.
He said he's committed a crime, and he needs to speak to a lawyer.
We advertise in the yellow pages?
He sounded really upset.
What should I do?
- Line four? - Yes.
This is Alan Shore.
If you're a criminal, please state your name
and the nature of your crime at the sound of the tone.
I killed my mother.
Sir, excuse me?
This is a lawyer, right? What, what I say is privileged, right?
It might have been wise to establish that before
telling me you killed mother, but, yes, we'll call this privileged.
It was an accident. Now I don't know what to do.
Okay,
where is mother now?
On the kitchen floor.
Okay.
And have you called for an ambulance, or...
She's dead. I don't wanna call the police. They'd arrest me, wouldn't they?
Typically.
Why don't you give me your name and address, sir?
Ah, here she is.
John, this is Lori Colson.
Lori, John Zenawi, CEO of Hanley tech.
- Very nice to meet you. - My pleasure.
Please sit.
John is a long time client of our corporate department.
Yes, I think I've done some anti-trust work for your company on occasion.
He's here today because...
John, would you like to explain?
I was born in Sudan.
My father transferred to the states when I was 5.
I've lived here since.
Most of my extended family remains in Sudan.
One of my cousins was murdered there last week.
I'm very sorry.
That was the 11th family member to have been killed.
I can't begin to describe the sense of futility I feel.
I need to do something, Ms. Colson.
I've been fortunate to have made a lot of money,
and I can no longer sit passively.
So, as preposterous as it may sound,
and as expensive as it may be,
I want to sue the government.
Well, our courts wouldn't have jurisdiction over the Sudanese government.
I'm sure Paul told you that.
He's not looking to sue the Sudanese government.
I want to go after the United states.
On what grounds?
That is what I need you to tell me.
Typically, Lori, whenever there's a case that can't be brought,
I run it by you.
You call me insane among other things more colorful, you exit the room,
then return the next day with a crazy idea.
We need that idea, Lori.
If I can get into court, Ms. Colson, I can make some noise.
That is what I'm desperate to do here,
put this issue in the spotlight a little,
create maybe an outcry of sorts.
I don't mean to sound harsh,
but the genocide going on in Sudan
has been covered quite a bit by the press, Mr. Zenawi,
and the American people have spoken.
They don't care.
Well,
I guess, for my own peace of mind,
I need to do whatever I can.
Maddie.
Yes. / Hello, dear, I'm Shirley Schmidt.
I read your title IX complaint last night.
It's very well drafted. You obviously hired an excellent attorney.
You're fired, Maddie.
You can't...
you can't fire me for bringing a title IX.
What are you going to do, sweetheart, sue me?
You've already done that.
Call your persuasive lawyer, tell him to add a count for wrongful termination.
Bye-bye.
By now I'm sure you've run to Paul Lewiston.
No.
I'm coming directly to you because I don't care what Paul Lewiston wants.
I'm Denny Crane.
Crane comes before Schmidt.
You refer, of course, to when we were intimate.
Shirley, I demand to know your agenda.
You always have one, so please...
I told you my agenda, Denny. It's to fix things.
Excuse me,
what's your name?
- Sally Heep. - Very nice outfit, Sally.
Can you spell?
Wear something more appropriate. Pretend you're a lawyer.
This woman happens to be an excellent attorney.
She also happens to have a name.
What is it?
Time's up. Bye-bye.
Denny Crane.
Could you please state your name?
Alan Shore.
Mr. Shore, thank you for coming.
I didn't know what to do, or...
this is a horrible thing.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Where are my manners?
May I offer you something to drink?
Maybe we should start with the kitchen.
Yes, okay, um,
I apologize in advance for...
you know...
- the mess. - I didn't mean for this to happen.
I don't know what to do.
See?
I told you.
Mr. Ferrion, you really do need to call the police.
First, I need to know my options.
Besides Brazil?
Well, sometimes, there's circumstances that excuse or, or justify.
I, I really need to know what's available to me.
Could you first tell me how she came to be lying dead on the floor?
I hit her on the head with a skillet.
Cast iron.
But it wasn't premeditated or planned.
It was just...
one of those things.
She was berating me like she does all the time...
how I don't make enough money, how I'm weak.
All the time, the same litany of how I am a failure.
It makes me so enraged.
It sounds like an accidental skillet bopping so far.
She kept on and on,
and I kept squeezing it tighter and tighter without even realizing it.
And then, I swung.
But I swear, Mr. Shore, I never decided to.
Suddenly, my arm was in motion.
Bam! I hit her, and she went down.
What do I do?
I certainly can't advise you to conceal evidence in any way,
but I'm afraid you're going to have to call the police, Mr. Ferrion.
And if you don't, I'll have to.
- But you're my lawyer. - I understand, but...
What am I gonna tell them?
I thought you said she was dead.
She is. I checked her pulse.
Sometimes the air remaining inside the body escapes,
causing...
You need not call the police, Mr. Ferrion.
Call for an ambulance.
Mother is still alive.
Would you like to hit her again?
Did I witness any of it?
Mr. Zenawi,
before I can figure out if there is a claim,
I first need to satisfy standing.
It would certainly help if we could make out a case for you specifically.
Legally, we have a term called zone of danger.
Basically, if you were in harm's way yourself.
That's why I asked if you've ever witnessed any of it.
I heard it once.
You heard it?
This past Summer, I was with relatives.
We were celebrating one of my uncles' birthdays.
The army showed up, and, um,
they, um...
they accosted us.
Accosted you by...
They told us we were slaves,
that we had no right to be in the country, that, um,
we were occupying grazing land for their cattle.
My uncle protested.
They took him behind a barn structure...
and set him on fire.
We all heard the screams.
And then they raped one of my cousins.
Does that set out a case for me...
specifically...
to listen to your, uh,
uncle being burned to death,
your cousin being raped?
It's not that I am not relieved.
I am.
I certainly do love her, but what if she tells?
Perhaps you should have used a bigger frying pan.
Mr. Ferrion,
did you see what happened?
No, um, she was on a stool putting some things away.
I went upstairs to have a bath.
I heard a crash, I came running back,
and she is on the floor unconscious.
- And you are? - This is Alan Shore.
He's a friend of the family.
Bernie, you surprise me.
Is she gonna be okay?
We don't know, sir.
I have a crazy idea.
Already?
In tort law, you see a guy lying on the side of the street,
you have no obligation to pull over and help.
But if you do pull over, you incur a duty to complete that rescue.
The theory being other would-be rescuers pass by,
thinking help is already on the scene.
And?
The United states has declared a war on terrorism.
We've talked the talk when it comes to Sudan,
we've even given financial aid.
Our theory of law would be analogous.
Other countries have stayed out,
thinking America's stepping in when we're not.
It's not a winner.
But perhaps colorable enough to sue and make noise.
Go draft the complaint.
And?
Thank you.
Lori Colson, you slut.
How are you, Shirley?
Old. Rich.
You look great.
So, who are we sleeping with?
Oh, usual suspects.
You back for good?
Just for bad.
Wanna grab a beer later and do a little debriefing?
Love it.
You look awesome, by the way.
I know.
I certainly don't mind him talking to you.
Look, he already has.
But if I let him take a polygraph?
Come on, I could be sued for malpractice.
How is it exactly you came to be here, Mr. Shore?
I drove.
Bernie's a friend, I'm here as his friend.
And since I am a lawyer, look, come on,
there's no sign of a struggle.
She slipped and fell,
and hit her head on either the table or counter or stool, floor.
Your experts will figure it out.
He'd like to go to the hospital to be with his mother.
Can I tell him he can do that?
Tell him not to leave the jurisdiction.
I heard some of that. Do they suspect me?
It's crossed their minds.
Well, you should know that
if you're gonna pass yourself off as my friend...
You did that, Bernie.
You should know that my friends call me Bernard.
Ah, so I guess that would make me your special friend.
Tell me, Bernie,
what exactly became of the skillet?
You weren't expecting them to throw a parade for you, were you?
No, but if I get too much resistance,
I assume I'm permitted to bring my big broom out of the closet.
Is that how you get around, on your big broom?
Shirley, this is Alan Shore.
We've met. / Yes, Shirley was in the men's room earlier.
Inspecting his fixtures.
I'm a micromanager.
Mr. Shore?
I thought you were going to the hospital.
I did. We have a little problem.
Excuse me, I have a client.
Maybe we can catch up later, Shirley.
Good. You can tell me about your products.
An excellent lawyer.
If I determine he should go...
he goes.
She's vegetative.
The doctors think it's 50/50 if she'll come out of it.
In the meantime, and, uh,
I say this with a heavy heart.
Of course.
My mother used to be a Christian scientist, as did I.
She hasn't been one for years.
But I...
I let it slip out to the doctors that she recently rededicated herself to the faith.
And they've made inquiries
as to her position on medical treatment.
I really don't think she would want to be on a respirator,
as much as it pains me to admit.
You let it slip out that your mother is a born-again Christian scientist?
May I ask, did your mother rededicate herself to Christian science
before or after you hit her on the head with the skillet?
I don't appreciate that question.
What are you asking me for, Bernie?
Again, as much as it pains me,
I'd like you to safeguard her religious freedom.
We filed last night. U.S. Attorney's office didn't waste any time.
- They brought a 12-B-6. - Sovereign immunity.
Mm-hmm, this may be our one day in court.
And therefore, our one day to make noise.
We've put out a release. There should be media in the room.
Can you join for the motion? I'd like to make a big showing.
Should we get Denny?
Maybe not that big.
It'll help to have him at the table.
Shirley, I want you to think back and tell me
who is the best attorney you have ever seen in court.
Me.
We need to survive a 12-B-6 on a pretty untenable claim.
How would you feel about joining us for oral arguments?
What's the claim?
We're suing the United states government
for the genocide that's taking place in Sudan.
What's so untenable about that?
And this is why I love her.
Alan, we're making a show of force in a high-profile matter.
Could we trouble you to join us for a motion this morning?
I'd love to.
But, see, I have a client who hit his mother on the head with a skillet.
We're trying to take her off life support.
And the police have brought some nuisance action to try
to keep her breathing, buggers that they are.
By the way, my fixtures remain available for further inspection.
Paul.
He's funny.
Denny, may we borrow your prowess for a motion this morning?
Why did you bring Shirley Schmidt back here?
Because we need her.
Well, then, go borrow her prowess.
It was a betrayal.
Calling her back here says I'm not enough.
Can you get that?
I can.
Then why did you do it?
You're not enough.
I still matter, my friend.
Yes, you do,
which is why I asked you to be present for this motion.
There's another problem you don't even know about.
Which is?
That woman...
she's hot for me.
Certainly there's a state interest in preserving life, your honor.
If a patient wishes to refuse medical treatment based on religious practices...
- First of all, we don't know that. - Objection, your honor.
You can't preface your second point with "first of all."
This woman has forsaken Christian science.
- We have no assurance... - According to her son,
- she's recommitted herself... - A son who might be a suspect
if we determine there was foul play. We're dealing with a potential homicide.
Well, if the goal is to charge homicide, it makes little sense to keep the victim alive.
- I could be wrong. - I object to this smugness, your honor.
A human life is at stake here.
The family of Della Ferrion is here today
saying it is her wish not to be kept alive on a respirator.
And it is simply way too early to make that call. She could recover.
- The suggestion that... - The issue isn't recovery,
it's religious freedom, which is sacred in this country.
Unless, of course, you're muslim.
I'm gonna have to cut you both off.
We've just received word from the hospital.
Mrs. Ferrion has evidently regained consciousness.
Excellent.
No comment. We have no comment at this time.
We'll be making a comment after the motion.
Denny Crane. I eat cocoa puffs.
Denny Crane.
Cuckoo for cocoa puffs.
Denny Crane...
They're seeking damages for acts committed by a foreign government
against a foreign citizenry.
There's no jurisdiction here, no standing.
And even if there were,
any such lawsuit would be barred by sovereign immunity,
which prohibits the U.S. Government or its officials
from being sued for foreign policy decisions.
Ms. Colson, I have to agree.
How do I not toss this on its face?
First,
the United states government, through congress,
ratified the U.N. convention against genocide.
The government's current failure to stop the genocide in Sudan
violates both U.S. law and policy.
We have not failed, we have expended....
You're arguing the merits, which I'm happy to do, but it means a trial.
If a government begins a rescue operation
which, in effect, stops other countries from pursuing that rescue,
that government can be held liable for failing to complete that rescue.
Never! Never has the United states government attempted any rescue mission in Sudan.
Your honor, may I?
We know this lawsuit is a bit of a stretch.
- You understate it. - But the truth is,
our country puts it out there.
"We will root out terrorism wherever it thrives."
We elect our presidents on that theme.
We go to war over it.
Wherever oppression abounds, we get involved.
It's almost become a motto.
No one here denies an ethnic genocide is taking place in Sudan.
Arab militia are wiping out the black population of Darfur.
Am I boring you?
Ms. Schmidt, the court recognizes the atrocity.
Why should the United states be held liable?
Well, if we're not going to do anything about it,
maybe we should just say so.
Lord knows the world will understand.
We've certainly got our hands full.
But when our leaders do their bipartisan puffing,
other countries think we're going to do something.
They then stay out of it. And in the end, nothing gets done.
while millions of people are being persecuted.
Maybe as a compromise,
we could just get the U.S. government to declare for the record,
"hey, not our problem."
That way, the world would be on notice somebody else should play hero.
I could try to sell that to my client.
Mr. Joiner? / The United states response to an ethnic genocide is
certainly not gonna be "hey, not our problem."
See, this is how other countries get confused.
We're satisfied the judge took it under advisement.
It at least demonstrates a recognition on her part
that we have a colorable cause of action.
Did you understand a word that was said in there?
Just go with it.
Denny Crane. Trix are for kids.
Glad to meet you.
Did he just say, "trix are for kids?"
He did.
She's very weak, of course, and quite sedated.
Can I talk to her?
For a minute or two. I'd like her to rest.
Mom?
It's me.
Bernard.
The doctors say you're gonna be just fine.
You just need to rest, mother.
My Bernard.
He hit me on the head.
I think with a skillet.
Ma...
what are you talking about?
You fell.
You tried to kill me.
She's a Chatty Cathy.
If we're going to work together, we should reach some kind of accord.
I don't wanna be working together. That's the whole point I'm trying to make.
- Can you tell me why? - Well, first off, you're a Liberal.
Yes. Besides that?
I figured out what you were doing in court today.
- You were Bush-bashing. - I assure you I wasn't.
You made war comments.
When a Liberal makes comments about the war,
they're Bush-bashing. It's un-American.
- To criticize a president? - While he's in office, yes.
Denny, you and I go way back.
I know you.
Your aversion to my return has nothing to do with politics.
Can we talk about it?
You left me, Shirley.
Women don't leave Denny Crane.
And for a secretary?
It was the Secretary of Defense.
It doesn't matter. I have an image.
One could even say I'm, I'm all image.
One could.
Imagine the fun working together again.
It won't be fun.
There's only room for one at the mountaintop.
It's my mountain.
Denny...
The judge just called us back.
Already?
Is there any way that could be a good sign?
I was hoping to at least survive till the 6:00 news.
He called the police?
- I'm afraid so. - What do I do? What do I do?
Well, Brazil come back to mind.
Bernie, listen to me,
if you were overcome, like you say, when this happened...
I was. I, I obviously had problems with her, Mr. Shore,
but I truly never intended to kill her.
I did not conscious...
If we could show heat of passion...
I never broken a law in my life. She just got me so enraged.
God...
my life is over.
- Mr. Ferrion. - What?
I, uh,
I'm very sorry to tell you,
your mother has passed away.
I beg your pardon?
She went back to sleep, and she just quietly passed.
To be honest,
I might have a hard time finding Sudan on a map.
I certainly know they've got big problems,
innocent people murdered every day, systemic rape, many of them children.
It's the worst humanitarian crisis in the world.
Please don't say "but."
But...
why does every crisis automatically fall to the United states to solve?
We've got Iraq, Iran, North Korea.
and these are people who might murder us.
We're supposed to tend to a bunch of Africans killing each other?
Why? Because we're Americans?
The answer is...
yes.
Because we're Americans.
Because we're a nation, perhaps the nation,
that's supposed to give a damn.
What's going on is an organized extermination of an entire race of people.
We're the country that's supposed to give a damn.
Ms. Schmidt, Ms. Colson,
your claim here most likely won't survive some re-judgment and,
maybe the American people don't care about what's happening over there, but,
for today, here, now,
at least one federal court judge does.
Defendant's motion to dismiss...
Denied!
Can't believe it.
Neither can I.
I thought perhaps I'd be relieved if she died.
But the truth is, um,
she's all I really had.
I lived with her.
I can't believe she's gone.
She looks at peace.
Though she did on the kitchen floor as well.
Mr. Shore, can you make room for the possibility
that I both killed my mother,
and I'm devastated with losing her?
I can.
I'm so sorry.
Mother, I'm so sorry.
Bernard Ferrion.
That's me.
Kidding.
I'm Bernard Ferrion.
You're under arrest for the murder of Della Ferrion.
Please place our hands behind your back.
- Yes, sir. - You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
You have the right to hire an attorney and have him present before any questioning.
If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you by the courts.
You just waive your right to be silent, make a statement...
32611, commonwealth vs Ferrion, charge of murder in the first.
Alan Shore appearing for the defendant. We'll waive reading.
I'd ask that my client be released on his own recognizance.
Opposed, the man is charged with homicide.
- Bail would certainly... - He has no record, your honor.
- He would be a threat to society. - Nonsense.
He only kills mothers, allegedly. And he's fresh out of them.
Bail is set at $1 million. Let's conference tomorrow at 9:00 A.M.
We'll set up a trial schedule.
Wait, one second your honor.
It seems there's been a terrible mistake.
My client never should have been arrested.
- Because? - There's no evidence.
According to the police report,
there's been no determination of cause of death, no witnesses.
The victim identified the defendant as the killer.
- That would be hearsay. - It was a dying declaration,
and therefore an exception to the hearsay rule.
For the dying declaration exception to apply,
the declarant must know he or she is about to die when making the statement.
Mrs. Ferrion was told by the doctor she was gonna survive.
She never thought for a second she was gonna die.
Even so, your honor,
for her to incriminate her own son would be a declaration against her interest,
which would also qualify as an exception to the hearsay rule.
I refer your honor to officer Coulier's...
interviews with the neighbors noted at the bottom of the page.
"Mr. Ferrion was reportedly verbally abused by his mother."
"She would blame himfor anything that went wrong in her life."
Well, here again, she was blaming him for the bump on her head.
It was not a declaration against her interests,
but just more of the same.
The court cannot be satisfied as to its reliability.
The hearsay rule very much applies.
Is this all you've got, the statement of the victim?
We'll get more.
Well, when you do, you can refile. Right now you've got nothing.
The victim's statement is inadmissible.
The charges against Mr. Ferrion are dismissed without prejudice.
I can't believe it. I just, I can't believe it.
- It's been an exciting week. - Do you think they'll be back for me?
Frankly, Bernie, I don't think they'll get the evidence,
which, I can see, brings you right back to.
I can't believe it.
May I say something else?
I see in you, Bernie, an innately kind person.
A man whose docile, gentle nature
was worn down by a relentlessly mean, dark-hearted woman.
I could be wrong, but...
I'm hoping...
it's the kind, gentle person who goes on from here,
not the one who swung that skillet.
I promise you with all my heart.
You don't have to worry about that.
Bernie,
through your grief, which I know is very real,
try to see this as an opportunity.
For once, finally,
you get to live your life free of mother.
Now, international news.
According to the United nations secretary general Kofi Annan,
one in three people in Darfur now requires lifesaving assistance,
due to either violence or malnutrition.
Efforts to negotiate a peaceful solution to the underlying...
What you doing?
Watching the news.
CBS just declared Bush the winner.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
I see our little case is getting play.
You think it could actually make a difference?
I remember reading when the press went to Bosnia,
people rejoiced at the sight of American media.
They figured if word got out, something would be done,
murders and rapes would stop.
They waited...
and they waited...
and nobody came.
Maybe we need Sudan to attack us.
We might fall short as humanitarians, but we're pretty good avengers.
If you don't mind, I'll cling to the idea we're still pretty decent humanitarians.
What's that?
I don't know. I thought it was from you. I was waiting to open it.
It's not from me.
"Objects in mirror are bigger than they appear."
He's funny.
He's also trouble, isn't he?
She's big trouble.
Did she break your heart?
She might have.
So what?
I've had my heart broken lots of times.
It stings for a minute.
I would think it would be fun to have her back.
I don't know about you, but when I travel,
going to new places isn't always as interesting
as revisiting some of the old ones.
What is it that has you so balled up?
She isn't slipping, that's what.
You're worried about her seeing you age?
You might not believe this.
But I was once a very remarkable man.
Denny.
You're a remarkable man.
Between you and me,
that woman is too much for me.
Between you and me,
we'll take her.
I'd like that.