That is some fine south of the border, Schmidt.
- Ivan? - Take me back, Shirley. That's all I ask.
You came here to ask me to take you back?
No, actually, I'm getting married. But if you were to take me back--
- Married? Ivan, no. We talked about this. - This time it's real, Shirley.
- I feel it deep down to my-- - Bone, I'm sure.
She's funny, she's smart. She's practically you.
-Just a much younger model. - Ah, that's sweet.
Shirley...
I'd like you to be best man.
What do you mean?
If a man wants his closest friend to be his best man, he should have it.
Stand by my side, Shirley.
I want you to give me away. It's only right.
Um, first of all, you raise several issues.
The first is that the best man doesn't give the groom away.
The second is that you and I used to be married.
And the third is, I'm not a man!
As trustee for my heart for 25-plus years--
We were married for four.
I have only known two great loves in my life--you and now Missy.
Okay. As far as our great love goes, you strayed during our honeymoon.
And let's not even discuss the name ''Missy.'' Is she a pony?
Be my best man.
- [ Funk ] - [ Man Vocalizing ]
[ Continues ]
So why not do it? Be in his wedding.
An ex-wife as a best man? Come on, Paul.
Well, if you're as close as you say and the fiancée is okay with it--
There's also a rehearsal dinner. He wants me there at that.
Well, all I know is, when somebody asks you to be in his wedding--
- I mean, how many has he had? - This will be number six.
Oh.
[ Man ] Whoo! All right!
Sweet song.
Even if I did do it, I--
Paul? Are you okay?
Yeah. [ Chuckles ]
I'm just a sap when it comes to sentimental songs, I guess.
If she sings ''You Light Up My Life,'' I'll be on the floor.
Where were we?
I was obsessing about my ex-husband's nuptials.
How's your daughter, by the way?
Rachel, right?
Alzheimer's was her worst fear.
She had gotten to the point...
where she was forgetting and she was losing control of her body.
And she begged me to help her do it...
and I complied.
How did you comply?
We had hired a nurse who had previously worked at a hospice for dying patients...
and she was familiar with setting up morphine drips.
And I persuaded her to set one up for us...
in case pain management ever became an issue.
And you increased the drip to cause your wife's death?
Yes. My lawyer is recommending that I plead to manslaughter...
which I simply cannot bring myself to do.
I am not a criminal.
If you agree to take over, I think...
that you should just jump right in.
The case is not very complicated, and according to our jury consultants...
we have a very sympathetic group impaneled.
Well, if you're serious about moving forward immediately...
then I'd advise you to stay with your current lawyer.
Well, he-- he doesn't think that he can win it.
And various people are telling me that you can.
[ Man, Woman Chattering ]
How we doing?
It was as if that song was pointed right at my head.
I did her homework with her. I drove her to the prom.
All the nights I waited up.
- What happened? - She basically stole from me.
- How? - You name it.
She'd feign problems with rent, her health, credit card debt.
She'd invent all kind of crises to impel me to write a check...
the proceeds of which would always go to feed her drug habit.
The last straw, I got her in a program-- an exclusive one.
I told her if she left, she was cut off.
- She left. - We had a fight.
I haven't spoken to her since. That was seven years ago.
- You should go see her. - [ Scoffs ]
Let's list all the reasons not to and put them under column ''A.''
And column ''B''?
She's your daughter.
- [ Clamoring ] - [ Man ] Any comment?
Denny Crane. No comment.
The blind shall lead. Only in America.
Denny Crane.
- I'll ask for a continuance if they won't. - On grounds they're not ready?
Your Honor, this is a tactic. Mr. Shore figures to lose at trial--
I rarely lose, and certainly not to you.
So what he's obviously trying to do here is pile on as many grounds for appeal as possible...
including, it seems, inadequate counsel.
- Do you two have a prior relationship? - Yes, Your Honor.
Uh, when I was in private practice...
Mr. Shore hacked into my client's corporate files and then blackmailed him.
Successfully. You left that out.
Mr. Shore, the court does have concerns with new counsel taking this over the day of trial.
[ Alan ] My client doesn't want a delay.
You already know he refused to waive his right to a speedy trial.
Then you're on record as being ready. We'll bring in the jury at 2:00.
Thank you.
- Are you okay with this? - Oh, I am. You're dear to my Ivan.
And I'm certainly wise enough to know that the heart wants what the heart wants...
so long as his penis doesn't weigh in.
[ Cackling, Snorting ]
- She has a funny laugh. I didn't tell you. - Yes. You left that out.
- Bambi's mother got shot. - Oh!
Sometimes when she starts, she can't stop...
so I have to tell her something tragic to snap her out of it.
Uh, tell me, what brought you two together?
Well, I'd have to say church. Also his sense of humor.
- Did he make you giggle? - Only in bed.
Oh! [ Cackling, Snorting ]
- It's best not to amuse her. - I can see this.
- Bill Buckner! - [ Snorts ] Oh.
I apologize.
Anyhow, where we really connected, I think, was our love of musical theater.
Mamma Mia!
[ Speaks Lyrics ]
I was hired as Mrs. Myerson's private nurse.
I worked in her employ up until the time of her death.
In fact, Miss Young, it was you who supplied the defendant...
with the morphine and the I.V.
- Isn't that correct? - Yes.
Did he tell you what he wanted to use the morphine drip for?
He said if she ever got in too much pain, he wanted to help her manage it.
And how is it you even had access to this drug?
Well, I had worked at a hospice for people dying of terminal diseases...
and it was quite common for morphine drips to be used in connection with pain management.
Don't you typically need a prescription?
Ordinarily, but I have a small stockpile-- I guess would be the word.
I never thought Mr. Myerson would use it to actually cause her death.
You stated you never thought my client would use the morphine to cause his wife's death.
Would that be because you knew him to love his wife very much?
That would be one reason, yes.
Did Mrs. Myerson ever communicate to you that she would rather die...
than live through the experience of her brain being destroyed by this disease?
She said so many times.
Is there any doubt in your mind that Mrs. Myerson wanted to end her life?
None. She asked me to help her. I said I couldn't legally.
- And that's when she turned to her husband. - Thank you.
Hello!
[ Giggling ] What do you think?
I'm curious to your thoughts...
if they involve me putting that on in this lifetime.
What? All the bridesmaids are wearing it.
- It's green. - Yeah.
Shirley, may we speak as girlfriends for a second?
I met you this morning.
I know you're happy for Ivan and me, but I don't want to be insensitive.
If it's too difficult for you to be giving him away at the ceremony--
As long as we're speaking as girlfriends...
aside from God and Les Misérables...
how are you and Ivan compatible?
Well, we love children. I'm a wonderful housekeeper, and I love to cook.
These are traditional values I speak of.
I'm sexually very... indefatigable.
- [ Cackling, Snorting ] - Oh, God.
Tsunami. Holocaust. Trent Lott!
- Oh. Are you, uh--Are you one of those? - ''Those''?
Those people who mock the religious right, who put down our administration.
[ Gasps ] I would never!
[ Siren Wailing ]
Who's dead?
Nobody's dead, Rachel.
I just came... to say hello.
Is that it?
Look, Rachel, whatever damage, I'd like to begin to repair it.
Well, Dad, I think we both can agree we'd have to start with an apology.
Where we differ is on who needs to give it.
I'm sorry that we lost track for seven years...
but I don't owe you an apology.
- See ya, Dad. - Wait.
- Can we talk? - I'm kinda busy.
With what?
Who is this?
Your granddaughter.
So far he's been paying child support...
so financially he's been responsible.
How soon after did you split up?
We were never together, Dad. It was one of those things.
[ Chuckles ]
You're shocked?
- Rachel, you're almost 40. - Meaning what? Time to grow up?
Meaning that perhaps when choosing men--
Find one who won't walk out on me.
Yeah, well, you know what they say. Girls look to marry their fathers.
I never walked out on your mother.
- No. But you walked out on me. - I did not!
You stole from me. I had no--
Hey! She's three. She can understand what you're saying.
Hello, sweetheart. You look--
[ Door Closes ]
She just doesn't know you. That's all.
How angry you must be with me to not tell me that I had a granddaughter.
How angry you must be.
[ Door Opens, Closes ]
[ Alan ] This district attorney is not without talent.
If he's able to present our client in any unsympathetic light...
we'll lose.
You okay?
I'm tired of my Alzheimer's being a story point.
This isn't your story, Denny.
And your M.R.I. was fine, remember? No progression.
Imagine killing somebody you deeply love...
even to spare suffering.
You said you'd do it for me. You promised.
I don't know that I could.
Well, don't worry.
You're off the hook.
If the day comes, Bev said she'd sit on me.
Ah. Boots on.
That's what we did with my father.
Morphine drip.
She loved to read...
more than anything else in the world.
And in the last few months, she couldn't even do that.
What about the physical symptoms?
Uh, well, her motor skills were declining, which was why we hired the nurse.
She battled incontinence.
But mainly, it was the sense that her brain was dying...
and she knew it.
I mean, this was a proud...
fiercely intelligent woman...
who was becoming an imbecile.
Not only in front of everybody else's eyes, but her own.
Were you present when she died?
Yes.
It was tragic...
but it paled to the tragedy had she gone on living.
You practiced law together?
My very first firm-- Tiggs and Schmidt. It flopped.
We were great partners, but lousy partners.
But boy, it was fun.
- Hello! - [ Whispers ] Oh, God.
Directions to the rehearsal dinner. 8:00! You can bring a date!
Okay. Oh.
- You think it's funny? - I do.
You're coming with me.
[ Imitating Missy ] 8:00! I can bring a date!
Hello! Time for my toast!
- Why am I here? - Why am I?
First, I'd like to thank you all for coming tonight.
I have a confession to make.
I never really thought I'd get married.
I'd always hoped to, but, well...
the thought that I'd actually meet a man...
who could look past my various eccentricities and quirks...
and see me for my heart--
[ Woman ] Oh! That's so sweet.
I never thought I'd actually meet a man who--
You've gotta be kidding.
- Am I being Punk'd? - Be nice.
Come on! Rehearsal dinners are meant to be silly.
- Let me take you back 30 years or so to ours. - I don't relive past traumas.
Then let me just take you back.
- [ Car Horn Honks ] - You really love this girl, Ivan?
Love is a state of mind, Shirley.
No, it isn't. Maybe that's your problem. You think--
My problem is I love you.
There. I said it. I love you. Never stopped.
This isn't fair-- what you're doing to this girl.
I have enormous affection for her.
The sex is rewarding. I make her happy.
All adds up to a workable equation.
Your sense of romance is overwhelming.
We always said what a mistake it was for us to get married.
Maybe the blunder was splitting up.
Do you ever wonder?
No.
May I kiss the bride one last time before the ceremony?
I'm the best man.
Very bad idea.
Now, that was romance.
Yes, it was.
Good night, Ivan.
[ Keys Jingling ]
[ Knocking ]
See, the thing is, Dad, I can handle not knowing whether you're in my life or not.
But Fiona's asking me, ''Is Grandpa ever coming back?''
I gotta know what to tell her.
Do you want me in your life?
It's nice how you can put accusations in question form.
Let me try.
Did you mean to suggest our estrangement was my doing...
when it was you refusing to so much as take my phone calls for three-plus years?
- How's that? - Close that door.
I heard you say that she was emotionally unstable.
Is it possible her decision was influenced by this instability?
- No. - No?
Did you have a therapist or any trained professional...
speak with her about her apparent wish to die?
I knew my wife better than any therapist ever could...
and her wish to die was not ''apparent.''
You--You stated th-that she was becoming an imbecile.
That must have been excruciating for you.
Was it a relief in any way at all when she died?
It was, um, a relief to see her suffering end.
I'm sorry to be-- to be asking these questions.
It's just that sometimes in these situations...
it's actually more about sparing the family's suffering than it is the victim's.
Objection!
The objection's overruled.
Are you all right, Mr. Crane?
Sir, how much was it costing you per month to care for your wife?
You know, I'm just about one second away from taking my fist to your head!
- Mr. Myerson! - Now, that strikes me as impulsive.
Are you an impulsive person?
Your Honor, this badgering has gone on long enough.
I am simply trying to establish that Mr. Myerson and the deceased...
were the two most emotionally disabled people in all of this...
the very last two people who should be entrusted to make a decision to end human life.
I'm sorry. I lost a crown on my tooth last night.
I was wondering whether perhaps you swallowed it.
Aren't you ashamed of what happened?
No, but I can see you are, so we're covered.
Ivan, you are getting married, and you're kissing another woman.
Not just any woman. I promise.
You simply cannot marry this girl, not if--
- There's only one thing that can stop it. - And that is?
I'm looking at her.
Final offer. Marry me.
You are out of your mind.
- You didn't say no. - No.
- You didn't mean no. - No means no.
If not you, then her.
For God's sake, Ivan, think of her.
See ya at the ceremony, Shirl.
- I was not going to enable you any longer! - So you stop giving me money!
But to walk out? To refuse to take my calls?
To tell Security at your damn firm not to let me in?
You think you're going to lay all this on me? I gave you everything your whole life!
It was your job to give me everything, just like it's my job to give Fiona everything!
- At some point-- - I needed you!
For God's sake, Dad...
I was a drug addict, an alcoholic.
I had nothing.
I needed my father, and you abandoned me.
You think that was easy for me?
I spoke to counselors, professionals.
They all told me you had to hit bottom before--
Well, mission accomplished, Dad, because I did.
In my darkest days...
during your mother's illness...
I would let my mind... wander to you.
I would dream ofbeing there for you...
when you gave birth to our first grandchild.
Getting to hold and love a baby again...
like I did you.
How dare you take that away from me? How dare you?
Well, you know what, Dad?
In my darkest days, through it all...
I had one little thing...
one tiny semblance of a foundation...
and it was knowing that no matter what...
my father would be there for me.
And he wasn't.
He wasn't.
How dare you take that from me?
[ Sobbing ]
Should we request that other song?
For my money, she probably did hit bottom because you walked away.
And that maybe saved her life. Forgive her.
I'm not sure she'll forgive me.
Paul, you went to her house.
Today she came to your office.
You two are already back together.
You just can't figure out a way to execute the deal.
And what about you and Ivan?
- I'm sorry? - Do you still love him?
I beg your pardon?
Your taste in men, Shirley.
Ivan Tiggs, Denny Crane-- wild, bigger than life.
I don't love Ivan anymore.
I'm just... his best man.
We have a law...
against assisted suicide.
One reason simply goes...
to the sanctity of life.
Once we start eroding that...
once we say it's acceptable for people to start killing themselves...
a terrible thing happens.
It becomes acceptable.
It's suddenly an option...
for the senior citizen with Alzheimer's...
for the 50-year-old with cancer...
for the teenager with no friends.
Who decides when suicide is the way to go?
In this case, the decision fell...
to a mentally impaired woman and her emotionally despairing husband.
Not exactly bastions of sound judgment.
His motives, however clouded by grief, may have been pure.
But what about that husband who wants his wife to die...
to perhaps prevent the estate from being financially drained?
What about the family that actually seeks to end their own suffering...
because it's too horrible watching Mom deteriorate?
How do we assess or regulate motive?
It's why we choose, as a matter of law...
not to go down that slope.
Nobody is arguing that Mr. Myerson is a bad man. He isn't.
But he admittedly, reflectively acted...
to end the life of a human being.
Under the law, which you took an oath to uphold...
that's murder.
The dirty little secret is...
we went down that slope years ago.
Officially, we say we're against assisted suicide...
but it goes on all the time.
Seventy percent of all deaths in hospitals...
are due to decisions to let patients die...
whether it's morphine drips or respirators, hydration tubes.
With all due respect to the Terri Schiavo fanfare...
patients are assisted with death...
all across this country all the time.
As for regulating motive, here's a thought--investigate it.
If we suspect foul play, have the police ask questions.
If it smells funny, prosecute.
But here...
there's no suggestion that Mr. Myerson's motive was anything other...
than to satisfy his wife's wishes...
and spare her the extreme indignity...
of experiencing the rotting of her brain.
Can you imagine?
Would you want to live like that?
I had a dog for 12 years.
His name was Alan. [ Chuckles ]
That was his name when I got him.
He had cancer in the end.
That, in conjunction with severe hip dysplasia.
And he was in unbearable pain.
My vet recommended-- and I agreed-- to euthanize him.
It was humane.
Which we, as a society, endeavor to be...
for animals.
My client's act was humane.
It was a selfless one.
It was a sorrowful one.
Mrs. Myerson's nurse testified...
as to the profound love Ryan Myerson had for his wife.
Sometimes the ultimate act of love and kindness--
If you think this man is a criminal, send him to jail.
But if you don't, don't.
And do you, Missy, take Ivan to be your lawfully wedded husband...
to love, honor and obey till death do you part?
I do. I do! [ Snorts ]
And do you, Ivan, take Missy to be your lawfully wedded wife...
to love, honor and obey till death do you part?
I do.
If there's anyone who knows a reason why these two...
should not bejoined together in holy matrimony...
speak now or forever hold your peace.
The rings.
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
I present to you Mr. and Mrs. Ivan Tiggs.
[ Cheering ]
[ Fiona Giggling ]
[ Chattering ]
Will the defendant please rise?
Madame Foreperson, the jury has reached a unanimous verdict?
- We have, Your Honor. - What say you?
In the matter of the Commonwealth versus Ryan Myerson...
on the charge of murder in the second degree...
we, the jury, find the defendant, Ryan Myerson...
not guilty.
-[ Spectators Murmuring ] - Really?
Ladies and gentlemen of thejury, thank you very much for your services.
- Thank you so much, Mr. Shore. - It was nothing, but expensive.
Denny, thank you.
[ Sighs ]
I'm so overwhelmed, I don't know what to say.
There's typically a post-verdict crash, Mr. Myerson.
I frequently counsel my clients not to be alone.
Do you have someone to keep you company tonight?
The nurse?
The look was unmistakable.
That's why he was so adamant about going forward with the trial so fast.
If his affair with the nurse surfaced, which it inevitably would have, he'd be sunk.
Hmm.
He killed her to be with his mistress.
Who knows?
Maybe the fact that he was in love with somebody else simply made it easier...
to comply with his wife's desire to die.
Maybe she didn't really want to die.
- All we had was his word for it. - And the nurse's.
Oh, my God.
We don't know whether he's innocent or guilty. I hate that.
Denny, when you launched yourself in court like a Pop-Tart--
He was badgering our client. I had to break the flow.
Mr. Koupfer had just said...
''Families often act to end their own suffering.''
Is that what happened with your father?
He wasn't exactly in pain. His appetite was good.
In fact, he was actually smiling more in the end than he--
On the day--
the day we told the doctor to up the drip...
he was blissful.
We put him out of our misery.
And I often wonder, did that life belong...
to the man with the brain of a two-year-old...
or to the man that preceded it?
It certainly...
didn't belong to me.
I think the life belonged to the man who preceded the disease...
the man you knew as your father.
Ah.
But at what point?
Koupfer said it was a slippery slurp.
Slope.
How'd you get the doctor to do it?
Denny Crane. I was still the real thing then.
I'm gonna say this right now and then I'm gonna memorialize it in my living will.
If I ever end up with the mind of a two-year-old--
I'll have Bev sit on you.
That's a load off.
My day is coming, Alan. We both know that.
It's a long ways off.
And in the meantime...
live big, my friend.
Live big.
[ Sighs ]
[ Woman ] You stinker!