1 00:00:02,969 --> 00:00:04,368 Previously on Boston Legal. 2 00:00:04,471 --> 00:00:05,597 - Nice night. - Suddenly it is. 3 00:00:05,705 --> 00:00:07,070 You had sex with her here? 4 00:00:07,173 --> 00:00:10,074 - Hot, sweaty sex-- - [ Bev Giggling ] 5 00:00:10,176 --> 00:00:12,201 - [ Moaning ] - in the coat check room. 6 00:00:12,312 --> 00:00:14,507 I am not a one-woman man. 7 00:00:14,614 --> 00:00:18,050 As long as we're together, feel free to have sex with anyone else you want. 8 00:00:18,151 --> 00:00:20,915 I care about what could happen to this firm now! 9 00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:23,489 Let me tell you what'll happen to this firm if Denny Crane left. 10 00:00:23,590 --> 00:00:25,524 It would dry up and blow away, and you with it! 11 00:00:25,625 --> 00:00:28,685 By the way, did I tell you Bev and I are getting married? 12 00:00:28,795 --> 00:00:31,889 No. I would've remembered that. 13 00:00:41,674 --> 00:00:43,574 [ Sighs ] 14 00:00:43,676 --> 00:00:45,906 Alan, help me with my tie. 15 00:00:46,012 --> 00:00:47,912 Certainly. 16 00:00:48,014 --> 00:00:50,983 I can't do it this way. Turn around. 17 00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:56,621 Oh, I wish you and I were getting married. 18 00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:59,658 That's you and I-- 19 00:00:59,759 --> 00:01:01,659 both of us, to others. 20 00:01:01,761 --> 00:01:03,661 I'm not gay. 21 00:01:03,763 --> 00:01:06,596 I understood you the first Freudian slip. 22 00:01:06,699 --> 00:01:10,100 On the other hand, I don't want to leave you. 23 00:01:10,203 --> 00:01:12,933 No doubt there'll be some adjusting. 24 00:01:13,039 --> 00:01:14,939 But you're not losing an Alan. 25 00:01:15,041 --> 00:01:18,442 You're gaining a Bev, the girl of your recent dreams. 26 00:01:18,545 --> 00:01:20,672 Alan, you're my best friend. 27 00:01:22,215 --> 00:01:24,615 If you want, you can dream about her too. 28 00:01:24,717 --> 00:01:27,015 Denny, you're generous to a fault. 29 00:01:28,688 --> 00:01:30,588 There you are. 30 00:01:30,690 --> 00:01:33,022 Whoa! 31 00:01:33,126 --> 00:01:37,085 Denny Crane getting hitched. 32 00:01:37,197 --> 00:01:39,688 Indeed. 33 00:01:39,799 --> 00:01:43,462 [ No Audible Dialogue ] 34 00:01:48,575 --> 00:01:51,772 Ladies and gentlemen, would you please rise... 35 00:01:51,878 --> 00:01:55,780 and welcome for the first time as husband and wife... 36 00:01:55,882 --> 00:01:58,316 Mr. and Mrs. Denny Crane. 37 00:02:02,055 --> 00:02:05,024 [ Man Singing ] 38 00:02:16,736 --> 00:02:21,070 White roses, gold leaf cake, Bev's boobs swimming out of her wedding dress. 39 00:02:21,174 --> 00:02:22,971 Who said money can't buy tastelessness? 40 00:02:23,076 --> 00:02:25,476 I think Bev and Denny did a lovely job. 41 00:02:25,578 --> 00:02:29,070 Eleven marriages between the two of them. They've had plenty of practice. 42 00:02:29,182 --> 00:02:31,480 Will you listen to you people? 43 00:02:31,584 --> 00:02:35,076 Can we not for just one moment appreciate the simplicity and timelessness... 44 00:02:35,188 --> 00:02:37,486 of two souls in love? 45 00:02:37,590 --> 00:02:39,455 [ Continues ] 46 00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:54,931 Ooh! 47 00:02:57,377 --> 00:03:01,245 Oh! 48 00:03:01,347 --> 00:03:04,714 - [ Funk ] - [ Man Vocalizing ] 49 00:03:12,325 --> 00:03:14,293 [ Continues ] 50 00:03:18,898 --> 00:03:20,627 [ Continues ] 51 00:03:28,775 --> 00:03:30,675 [ Ends ] 52 00:03:30,777 --> 00:03:32,972 [ Ballad ] 53 00:03:35,415 --> 00:03:39,613 Congratulations. I saw you were the lucky one who caught Bev's garter. 54 00:03:39,719 --> 00:03:44,383 Yes. I'm going for a full battery of tests first thing in the morning. 55 00:03:44,490 --> 00:03:46,788 I love you. 56 00:03:46,893 --> 00:03:49,487 - I love you more. - I love you more more. 57 00:03:49,596 --> 00:03:53,225 - Mainlander. - Oh, my angel! 58 00:03:53,333 --> 00:03:55,597 Denny, this is my dear friend Troy. 59 00:03:55,702 --> 00:03:58,899 - Troy. - Denny, mahalo and congrats. 60 00:03:59,005 --> 00:04:01,405 - Thank you. - Troy lives on the Big Island. 61 00:04:01,507 --> 00:04:04,806 Oh, yeah? We'll have to come and look you up on our honeymoon. 62 00:04:04,911 --> 00:04:06,902 - If there's time! - Oh, excellent, excellent. 63 00:04:07,013 --> 00:04:10,414 - I've got some new listings you two are going to fall for. - Ah, Troy's a Realtor. 64 00:04:10,516 --> 00:04:13,007 He's been keeping an eye out on houses for us. 65 00:04:13,119 --> 00:04:15,917 I didn't know we were in the market for a second home. 66 00:04:16,022 --> 00:04:17,922 [ Laughs ] Oh! 67 00:04:18,024 --> 00:04:20,925 Actually, darling, when you see the Kona Coast, you may be thinking of first homes. 68 00:04:21,027 --> 00:04:24,929 What am I supposed to do? Beam myself to Boston every morning? [ Chuckles ] 69 00:04:25,031 --> 00:04:27,363 Would you excuse us, Troy? 70 00:04:27,467 --> 00:04:29,628 Come here. 71 00:04:29,736 --> 00:04:33,536 Now, honey, I just want you to humor me in my wild notions. 72 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:36,541 I want to put this thought in your head. It's only a thought. That's all. 73 00:04:36,643 --> 00:04:42,047 But now that we're starting this new chapter in our lives... 74 00:04:42,148 --> 00:04:45,049 what do you say we really do it? 75 00:04:45,151 --> 00:04:48,518 - Retire? - No. That's an old person's word. 76 00:04:48,621 --> 00:04:51,385 I'm talking about new beginnings. 77 00:04:51,491 --> 00:04:54,392 But, Bev, you know I'm the rainmaker at the firm. 78 00:04:54,494 --> 00:04:57,725 Our clients want to know that Denny Crane is taking care of their business. 79 00:04:57,830 --> 00:05:02,893 And Bev wants to know that Denny Crane is taking care of... 80 00:05:03,002 --> 00:05:05,402 well, Denny Crane. 81 00:05:05,505 --> 00:05:08,941 But we have lots of time for these thoughts. 82 00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:11,704 Tonight's all fun and games. 83 00:05:11,811 --> 00:05:13,779 Right? 84 00:05:20,620 --> 00:05:24,181 Hi. Nice night. 85 00:05:27,126 --> 00:05:29,094 Suddenly it is. 86 00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:33,898 [ Continues ] 87 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:37,868 [ Man Singing ] 88 00:05:38,471 --> 00:05:41,099 Has anyone seen Denny? It's time for our toast. 89 00:05:41,207 --> 00:05:44,540 Oh, last time I saw him was over near the coat check room. 90 00:05:57,390 --> 00:05:59,017 Denny? 91 00:06:00,893 --> 00:06:02,884 Is it time to cut the cake? 92 00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:21,970 Of course there is no prenup. 93 00:06:22,081 --> 00:06:25,881 - Actually, Denny signed one. - He just neglected to have Bev sign it. 94 00:06:25,985 --> 00:06:27,543 It was a lovely reception. 95 00:06:27,653 --> 00:06:30,451 I never got to the cake. It looked fantastic. Any of you try it? 96 00:06:30,556 --> 00:06:32,615 It was supposed to be marble with a little fudge-- 97 00:06:32,725 --> 00:06:35,592 Shut up. Just shut up! 98 00:06:35,695 --> 00:06:37,595 While you sit here prattling about cake fillings... 99 00:06:37,697 --> 00:06:40,097 Bev has hired an army of lawyers to gut this firm. 100 00:06:40,199 --> 00:06:42,099 She won't get far, Paul. It's a straightforward annulment. 101 00:06:42,201 --> 00:06:44,101 They were only married for three hours. 102 00:06:44,203 --> 00:06:47,263 Legally, they never had the opportunity to consummate the marriage after the ceremony. 103 00:06:47,373 --> 00:06:49,773 Oh, yes, we did. 104 00:06:49,876 --> 00:06:54,575 You had sex with another woman and your wife in the three hours you were married? 105 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:57,410 It was my special day. I'd taken my little blue pill. 106 00:06:57,517 --> 00:07:00,975 No cure for cancer, but we got three pills for that. 107 00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:03,282 Look, there are other criteria for an annulment. 108 00:07:03,389 --> 00:07:06,017 Legally, we can always say that Denny was not of sound mind. 109 00:07:06,125 --> 00:07:09,026 That cannot become public knowledge. 110 00:07:09,128 --> 00:07:12,029 Despite the repeated shootings, the television appearances... 111 00:07:12,131 --> 00:07:14,759 people still believe Denny runs this firm. 112 00:07:14,867 --> 00:07:17,131 I am one of those people. 113 00:07:17,236 --> 00:07:20,296 Bev's attorney, Eli Granger, will be here in less than an hour. 114 00:07:20,406 --> 00:07:23,705 My suggestion for now is that we simply hear him out. 115 00:07:33,820 --> 00:07:35,720 - Alan, it's awful. - Joan? 116 00:07:35,822 --> 00:07:38,814 - What's awful? - My boss. 117 00:07:38,925 --> 00:07:41,223 - Mr. Loomis just fired me. - I'm sorry. 118 00:07:41,327 --> 00:07:45,195 You work so hard, you know? Eight years at that friggin' escrow company. 119 00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:47,960 Why did he fire you? 120 00:07:48,067 --> 00:07:51,696 Well, one day six weeks ago, he brings us all in for a staff meeting and says... 121 00:07:51,804 --> 00:07:55,296 ''Due to the spiraling cost of health care insurance... 122 00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:58,969 ''all smokers have exactly six weeks to quit... 123 00:07:59,078 --> 00:08:01,478 ''at which point, I'll test their system for nicotine. 124 00:08:01,581 --> 00:08:05,540 If you fail the urine test, then you'll be terminated. Fired.'' 125 00:08:05,651 --> 00:08:07,551 Friggin' health Nazi. 126 00:08:07,653 --> 00:08:10,486 I got rent to pay. And, of course, I tried to quit. 127 00:08:10,590 --> 00:08:13,081 I wanted to. I did the patch. 128 00:08:13,192 --> 00:08:16,093 And I did that little nicotine sucky thing, you know? 129 00:08:16,195 --> 00:08:20,188 But the more I imagined losing my job, the more I panicked. 130 00:08:20,299 --> 00:08:23,359 And the more I panicked, the more I smoked. 131 00:08:23,469 --> 00:08:25,369 Now I'm up to three packs a day. 132 00:08:25,471 --> 00:08:27,234 And today was the day. 133 00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:30,503 He just made me pee in a cup and then he fired me! 134 00:08:30,610 --> 00:08:33,238 Unless that's some type of sex game with your lover, I find it appalling. 135 00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:35,940 - We won't let him do it. - We won't? 136 00:08:36,048 --> 00:08:39,074 I'm off to court right now. What floor is your office on? I'll pay him a visit. 137 00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:42,916 The 10th. Just follow the evil stench of vitamins and celery. 138 00:08:43,022 --> 00:08:44,887 [ Laughs ] 139 00:08:55,801 --> 00:08:57,701 Ah. Well, good morning, everyone. 140 00:08:57,803 --> 00:09:02,240 Shirley, I can see I didn't bring enough silent flunkies to fill my side of the table. 141 00:09:02,341 --> 00:09:06,107 Double shot espresso, skim milk, two sugars. Scoot. 142 00:09:07,647 --> 00:09:10,912 Let's start over. Eli, welcome to Crane, Poole & Schmidt. 143 00:09:11,017 --> 00:09:13,645 That's my seat. Get out. 144 00:09:13,753 --> 00:09:17,621 Please get Mr. Granger a cup of coffee-- skim milk, two sugars. 145 00:09:17,723 --> 00:09:20,089 Thank you. 146 00:09:20,192 --> 00:09:24,492 Now, Eli, besides telling you your fake tan is coming off on your collar... 147 00:09:24,597 --> 00:09:26,895 what can we do for you? 148 00:09:26,999 --> 00:09:29,092 A parting of ways. Marital dissolution. 149 00:09:29,201 --> 00:09:32,136 My client's trauma is incalculable. 150 00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:35,571 - And yet, look at me. I've calculated it. - To the point? 151 00:09:35,675 --> 00:09:39,941 Mrs. Crane gave up her career, a lucrative office furniture business... 152 00:09:40,046 --> 00:09:41,946 to be a stay-at-home wife. 153 00:09:42,048 --> 00:09:43,572 She made irrevocable sacrifices. 154 00:09:43,683 --> 00:09:47,585 And still, as a generous offer, considering her pain... 155 00:09:47,687 --> 00:09:51,783 she is willing to take only 50% of Mr. Crane's assets. 156 00:09:51,891 --> 00:09:54,121 - What? - Including his equity in the firm. 157 00:09:54,226 --> 00:09:56,660 They were married only three hours. 158 00:09:56,762 --> 00:10:00,254 And it would've lasted longer had Denny here not banged a cocktail waitress... 159 00:10:00,366 --> 00:10:01,833 at his own wedding reception. 160 00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:05,700 We're not here to judge. Though the state of Massachusetts is. 161 00:10:05,805 --> 00:10:08,399 And in cases like this, we are a fault state. 162 00:10:08,507 --> 00:10:11,374 And clearly Denny is at fault. 163 00:10:11,477 --> 00:10:15,379 And by the time Mrs. Crane gets what's hers, who knows? 164 00:10:15,481 --> 00:10:18,450 Maybe I'll have my name on the door here. 165 00:10:18,551 --> 00:10:21,349 - You smoke it or take it in the arm? - Brad. 166 00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:23,718 - [ Chuckles ] - There'll be no divorce. 167 00:10:24,657 --> 00:10:26,284 Beg pardon? 168 00:10:26,392 --> 00:10:29,623 Bev and I had an agreement when we first got together. 169 00:10:29,729 --> 00:10:32,665 She told me that I could sleep with whomever I want. 170 00:10:32,665 --> 00:10:33,597 She told me that I could sleep with whomever I want. 171 00:10:33,699 --> 00:10:35,724 Delmonico's Restaurant, January 14. 172 00:10:35,835 --> 00:10:38,565 Happiest night of my life. 173 00:10:38,671 --> 00:10:40,866 So I had sex with another woman. 174 00:10:40,973 --> 00:10:44,670 Or a navy Burberry. I'm not quite sure which. 175 00:10:44,777 --> 00:10:47,678 But the point is, she granted me the right to tomcat... 176 00:10:47,780 --> 00:10:49,975 and I exercised that right. 177 00:10:51,117 --> 00:10:53,142 No divorce. 178 00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:56,853 No reconciliation. 179 00:10:57,990 --> 00:11:00,390 We're going to court. 180 00:11:09,969 --> 00:11:12,938 Every good marriage takes work. 181 00:11:26,318 --> 00:11:28,752 [ Door Opens ] 182 00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:33,085 - Kurt Loomis. - Alan Shore. 183 00:11:33,192 --> 00:11:36,559 I've noticed you at the juice bar on the first floor. 184 00:11:36,662 --> 00:11:39,256 You always leave a penny, never take one. I admire that. 185 00:11:39,365 --> 00:11:41,697 [ Chuckles ] Thank you, Al. 186 00:11:41,801 --> 00:11:44,463 - So I guess you're here to speak aboutJoan. - Yes, ''Kur,'' I am. 187 00:11:44,570 --> 00:11:47,698 Well, I'm sorry to see her go, but rules are the rules. 188 00:11:47,807 --> 00:11:50,401 You break 'em, you gotta pay the price. 189 00:11:50,509 --> 00:11:54,377 I've never heard our entire system of justice encapsulated so succinctly. 190 00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:56,607 [ Chuckles ] Well, that's me. 191 00:11:56,716 --> 00:12:01,653 However, instances arise where the rules themselves are unfair. 192 00:12:01,754 --> 00:12:03,654 This is one of those cases. 193 00:12:03,756 --> 00:12:07,089 Nope. The no-smoking rule is as right as the Bible. 194 00:12:07,193 --> 00:12:11,892 Good for the company. Good for the employees. It's just good, period. 195 00:12:11,997 --> 00:12:14,625 Well--And this may be in the Bible somewhere-- 196 00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:19,000 you do have the right to forbid your employees from smoking at work. 197 00:12:19,105 --> 00:12:22,632 But why do you think you're justified in telling anyone... 198 00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:25,233 what they may or may not do on their own time? 199 00:12:25,344 --> 00:12:27,778 Because it's good for them. 200 00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:31,077 And my lawyer told me I could. Guy just like you. 201 00:12:31,183 --> 00:12:34,414 You see, everyone here is what you call an at-will employee. 202 00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:37,648 And like most workers in this country, they can be fired... 203 00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:42,023 for anything, anytime, anyplace... 204 00:12:42,128 --> 00:12:44,028 any way. 205 00:12:44,130 --> 00:12:47,031 You see, Al, I used to coach football. 206 00:12:47,133 --> 00:12:49,101 I never would have guessed. 207 00:12:49,201 --> 00:12:51,601 It's like I used to tell my players. 208 00:12:51,704 --> 00:12:55,037 There are two ways to do things-- my way and the wrong way. 209 00:12:55,141 --> 00:12:58,440 Joan did things the wrong way, so I cut her from the squad. 210 00:12:58,544 --> 00:13:00,375 [ Chuckles ] 211 00:13:00,479 --> 00:13:03,039 I have a similar bit of wisdom I like to share. 212 00:13:03,149 --> 00:13:06,380 We can do this my way or... 213 00:13:06,485 --> 00:13:11,013 another way that will have you writing a very large check and crying like a baby. 214 00:13:11,123 --> 00:13:13,057 Are you threatening me, Al? 215 00:13:13,159 --> 00:13:18,563 Why not just re-hireJoan and forget we ever met? 216 00:13:18,664 --> 00:13:21,394 I know I'd like nothing more. 217 00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:23,297 Nope. 218 00:13:23,402 --> 00:13:28,567 - I think we're done. - Actually, this is just the beginning of our little game. 219 00:13:28,674 --> 00:13:32,132 I assumed that, as a coach, you'd have figured that out. 220 00:13:41,187 --> 00:13:43,178 [ Door Closes ] 221 00:13:45,791 --> 00:13:47,691 [ Exhales ] 222 00:13:47,793 --> 00:13:49,488 Trying to quit? 223 00:13:51,263 --> 00:13:53,163 Not really. 224 00:13:53,265 --> 00:13:55,995 I suppose there should be a law requiring me to try to quit. 225 00:13:57,303 --> 00:13:59,100 What are you in for? 226 00:13:59,205 --> 00:14:01,571 Divorce. 227 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:03,574 Ah, been there. 228 00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:07,271 Not with a husband actually, but boyfriend after friggin' boyfriend. 229 00:14:07,379 --> 00:14:09,847 I suck at relationships. 230 00:14:09,949 --> 00:14:12,213 Actually, I suck at almost everything. [ Laughs ] 231 00:14:12,318 --> 00:14:14,218 When I'm not inhaling, I'm sucking. 232 00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:16,515 [ Laughing ] That's the story of my life. 233 00:14:16,622 --> 00:14:19,853 The only thing I've actually ever been good at is my job... 234 00:14:19,959 --> 00:14:21,893 which I never sucked at... 235 00:14:21,994 --> 00:14:24,394 but got fired just the same for inhaling. 236 00:14:24,496 --> 00:14:26,191 I was good at it. 237 00:14:26,298 --> 00:14:29,290 I was good. I was good. 238 00:14:29,401 --> 00:14:32,768 - I was-- - Good. 239 00:14:34,006 --> 00:14:35,906 I can't make my rent. 240 00:14:36,008 --> 00:14:38,272 I don't know what I'm gonna do. 241 00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:41,437 No, I do, actually. I'm suing. 242 00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:43,412 That's it. And I'm gonna win. 243 00:14:43,515 --> 00:14:47,474 Alan Shore is my lawyer, and he's good. He's good. 244 00:14:49,021 --> 00:14:50,921 Who've you got? 245 00:14:51,023 --> 00:14:54,049 Uh, I had Denny Crane. 246 00:14:54,159 --> 00:14:56,252 Now I've got Eli. 247 00:14:59,365 --> 00:15:02,664 Alan Shore's in my boss's office right now trying to settle. 248 00:15:02,768 --> 00:15:07,933 He's gonna come walking off that elevator any second and tell me I got my job back. 249 00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:10,668 Or they're giving me money. 250 00:15:10,776 --> 00:15:13,108 Or I'm gonna get everything I want. 251 00:15:13,212 --> 00:15:15,180 Otherwise-- 252 00:15:17,349 --> 00:15:19,579 I have to win this. 253 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:23,088 I have to win. 254 00:15:31,096 --> 00:15:34,395 - [ Shirley ] We're being audited. - The entire firm? 255 00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:36,968 - To determine Denny's net worth. - Let them. 256 00:15:37,069 --> 00:15:40,436 - We have nothing to hide. - Hold on a second there, Aunt Sally. 257 00:15:40,539 --> 00:15:43,997 This could be, well, a problem. 258 00:15:44,109 --> 00:15:46,270 - Why? - Denny, what have you done? 259 00:15:46,378 --> 00:15:48,175 Little things. 260 00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:51,940 How little? 261 00:15:52,051 --> 00:15:54,212 I may have, on occasion... 262 00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:57,812 laid off an occasional personal expense on the firm. 263 00:15:57,923 --> 00:16:00,221 - Occasionally. - Good Lord. 264 00:16:00,326 --> 00:16:03,523 CallJoel Landson in Accounting and get him up here right away. 265 00:16:03,629 --> 00:16:06,029 [ Door Opens ] 266 00:16:06,131 --> 00:16:09,032 Uh, mind you, it's not exactly illegal, but it's not legal either. 267 00:16:09,134 --> 00:16:12,297 - It's in the fuzzy gray area. - Denny's home address. 268 00:16:12,404 --> 00:16:15,202 - Bottom line? - Should this information become public-- 269 00:16:15,307 --> 00:16:17,707 And we can be sure that Bev's lawyers will see that it does. 270 00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:21,246 The I.R.S. could get involved. Our reputation will be sullied. 271 00:16:21,347 --> 00:16:24,214 Clients will begin to wonder if they've been bilked. 272 00:16:24,316 --> 00:16:26,216 There could be more investigations. 273 00:16:26,318 --> 00:16:28,912 And all of the partners will be liable. 274 00:16:29,021 --> 00:16:31,581 - We're talking Arthur Andersen headlines. - We're screwed. 275 00:16:31,690 --> 00:16:35,217 - We don't own enough shredders. - Our only chance right now is to settle and settle quickly. 276 00:16:35,327 --> 00:16:37,420 Um, we can't do that. 277 00:16:37,529 --> 00:16:39,087 - Why not? - Because... 278 00:16:40,599 --> 00:16:42,658 I want to stay married to Bev. 279 00:16:42,768 --> 00:16:45,862 - I thought you were bluffing! - That doesn't seem to be an option right now, Denny. 280 00:16:45,971 --> 00:16:47,962 I'm gonna make it an option. 281 00:16:48,073 --> 00:16:51,042 And as we know, my name on the door. 282 00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:57,341 That's it! 283 00:16:57,449 --> 00:17:00,885 [ Door Opens, Closes ] 284 00:17:06,558 --> 00:17:08,458 Paul? 285 00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:11,961 Denise, I want you to look over the partnership agreement and tell me, hypothetically... 286 00:17:12,064 --> 00:17:17,696 what would be required for me to sell my portion out and take early retirement. 287 00:17:17,803 --> 00:17:20,738 And, hypothetically, I would need that very fast. 288 00:17:20,839 --> 00:17:23,569 Paul, don't do anything you'll regret. 289 00:17:23,675 --> 00:17:25,472 Doing nothing is what I'll regret most. 290 00:17:25,577 --> 00:17:29,604 I have devoted my life to keeping this firm an outstanding institution. 291 00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:33,549 Now, in the twilight of my career, this-- 292 00:17:33,652 --> 00:17:36,212 this mess could destroy my reputation. 293 00:17:36,321 --> 00:17:39,381 All because Denny cannot control his aged groin. 294 00:17:39,491 --> 00:17:41,425 All right, listen, guys. I can fix this. 295 00:17:41,527 --> 00:17:45,054 Just let me talk to Denny. I know what to say. I can make him settle. 296 00:17:45,164 --> 00:17:48,998 Paul,just wait this out. Please. 297 00:18:01,046 --> 00:18:03,810 The purchase of a home is one of life's great stressors. 298 00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:08,910 And while I'm no braggart, in my eight years at Loomis Escrow, I had the most escrow closes. 299 00:18:09,021 --> 00:18:11,683 I had the highest customer satisfaction record. 300 00:18:11,790 --> 00:18:14,190 All of my year-end reviews were fours. 301 00:18:14,293 --> 00:18:16,625 That's out of a possible four. 302 00:18:16,728 --> 00:18:19,925 I was employee of the year three years running. 303 00:18:20,032 --> 00:18:21,932 If I was such a bad worker... 304 00:18:22,034 --> 00:18:24,525 then why was I awarded the $1 00 gift certificate to the Hungry Whistler? 305 00:18:24,636 --> 00:18:27,366 Your Honor, at this time, if I may enter into evidence... 306 00:18:27,473 --> 00:18:31,500 Miss Zeder's three employee of the year plaques. 307 00:18:31,610 --> 00:18:35,307 Please note the inscribed nickname-- ''Just Ask Joan. '' 308 00:18:35,414 --> 00:18:37,712 Thank you. I can see that. 309 00:18:38,817 --> 00:18:41,786 Now,Joan, do you smoke cigarettes? 310 00:18:41,887 --> 00:18:43,650 Yeah. 311 00:18:43,755 --> 00:18:46,155 - Have you ever smoked at work? - Yes, but only on my breaks-- 312 00:18:46,258 --> 00:18:48,317 on my time, away from the door. 313 00:18:48,427 --> 00:18:51,521 And I'm a courtesy waver, so I-- 314 00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:53,598 Not in anyone's face. 315 00:18:53,699 --> 00:18:56,293 Does your smoking impact yourjob in any way? 316 00:18:56,401 --> 00:18:58,699 No. I've never been late because of smoking. 317 00:18:58,804 --> 00:19:02,467 In fact, actually, it helps calm me down so I can focus on my work. 318 00:19:02,574 --> 00:19:04,439 Thank you, Miss Zeder. 319 00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:12,675 Miss Zeder, did your boss tell you to quit smoking or you'd be fired? 320 00:19:12,784 --> 00:19:14,411 Yes. 321 00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:17,011 Nothing further. 322 00:19:26,865 --> 00:19:28,389 Denny... 323 00:19:29,434 --> 00:19:31,334 I was a Marine. 324 00:19:31,436 --> 00:19:33,597 Served my country proudly in the first Gulf War. 325 00:19:33,705 --> 00:19:36,037 I am an honest, honorable person. 326 00:19:36,141 --> 00:19:39,338 - I want you to know that I do not lie. Clear on that? - Yes. 327 00:19:39,444 --> 00:19:43,244 Are there any guns in here? I want to be clear on that as well. 328 00:19:43,348 --> 00:19:45,179 - There are many guns. - Within reach? 329 00:19:45,284 --> 00:19:47,445 - No. - All right. 330 00:19:51,056 --> 00:19:54,025 Several weeks ago I took your fiancée out to lunch. 331 00:19:55,961 --> 00:19:57,861 It's not that. 332 00:19:57,963 --> 00:20:02,024 I offered her $500,000 to end her relationship with you. 333 00:20:02,134 --> 00:20:03,897 What? 334 00:20:04,002 --> 00:20:06,630 I know. It was a foolish thing to do. 335 00:20:06,738 --> 00:20:09,707 But I felt that I was acting in the best interest of the firm and you. 336 00:20:10,809 --> 00:20:12,606 - She turned you down. - Yes. 337 00:20:14,313 --> 00:20:17,111 But before she did, she hesitated. 338 00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:19,241 She considered it. 339 00:20:19,351 --> 00:20:25,085 And it's my belief that if I had offered her more, she would have taken it. 340 00:20:25,190 --> 00:20:29,650 - Thank you for telling me that. It couldn't have been easy. - [ Exhales ] 341 00:20:29,761 --> 00:20:32,787 - You're fired. - What? 342 00:20:32,898 --> 00:20:36,061 Name on the door. See ya. 343 00:20:48,046 --> 00:20:50,276 He fired me. I'm a partner. He fired me. 344 00:20:50,382 --> 00:20:53,283 Brad, the review committee will take care of this. 345 00:20:53,385 --> 00:20:56,786 - He can't just fire you without consulting the partners. - Of course he can. 346 00:20:56,888 --> 00:21:00,949 He's Denny Crane. His name's on the door. If he wants me gone, I'm gone. 347 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:11,192 Damn it, Denny. You just can't. 348 00:21:11,303 --> 00:21:13,703 - Can't? - All of it. This is a law firm. 349 00:21:13,805 --> 00:21:16,672 This is a living, breathing entity. 350 00:21:16,775 --> 00:21:18,675 Yes, you may have founded it. 351 00:21:18,777 --> 00:21:21,678 But hundreds and hundreds of people now have their lives attached to it. 352 00:21:21,780 --> 00:21:24,681 And at this moment, through the choices you make... 353 00:21:24,783 --> 00:21:27,946 you have the potential to unravel this entire place... 354 00:21:28,053 --> 00:21:30,647 and the individuals who have given everything to it. 355 00:21:30,756 --> 00:21:32,656 That may be. But still-- 356 00:21:32,758 --> 00:21:36,057 If you say it's still your name on the door, I will shoot you with one of your own guns. 357 00:21:36,161 --> 00:21:38,686 That won't change the door. 358 00:21:38,797 --> 00:21:42,665 Denny, you cheated on your wife at your own wedding reception... 359 00:21:42,768 --> 00:21:45,202 in what has become some sort of cloakroom fetish. 360 00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:47,795 That is a new low even for you! 361 00:21:48,907 --> 00:21:50,807 Yeah. 362 00:21:50,909 --> 00:21:52,877 It is, isn't it? 363 00:21:56,148 --> 00:22:00,084 And now you're saying you don't want the marriage to end? 364 00:22:00,185 --> 00:22:02,881 What is going on here? 365 00:22:05,624 --> 00:22:08,388 You've known me 30 years. You tell me. 366 00:22:08,493 --> 00:22:11,394 One moment I'm enjoying my own wedding reception. 367 00:22:11,496 --> 00:22:13,691 The next, my gut's telling me something's wrong. 368 00:22:13,799 --> 00:22:18,168 And somehow having sex with that waitress, or the coat... 369 00:22:18,270 --> 00:22:21,239 made everything feel right. 370 00:22:22,607 --> 00:22:26,065 And once things felt right again... 371 00:22:26,178 --> 00:22:28,203 I wanted Bev back. 372 00:22:31,049 --> 00:22:34,746 Denny, your once charming and eccentric behavior... 373 00:22:34,853 --> 00:22:38,345 has turned into a series of self-destructive impulses. 374 00:22:38,457 --> 00:22:40,220 I love you... 375 00:22:40,325 --> 00:22:44,284 but it's time to take a step back and look at what you're turning into. 376 00:22:44,396 --> 00:22:46,330 Shirley. 377 00:22:46,431 --> 00:22:48,399 I love you, too. 378 00:23:08,820 --> 00:23:11,118 Shirley. You want something. 379 00:23:11,223 --> 00:23:13,487 I'll guess it's sex. Let me take my coat off. 380 00:23:13,592 --> 00:23:17,392 As much as I'd love to, Alan, if we did, I wouldn't have time to deal with your needs. 381 00:23:17,496 --> 00:23:19,794 Yes. Well, another time. 382 00:23:19,898 --> 00:23:22,059 What's on your mind? 383 00:23:22,167 --> 00:23:25,068 I'm sure you know what's going on with Denny. 384 00:23:25,170 --> 00:23:29,573 In this case, I've decided to stay above the fray and catch the show from the mezzanine. 385 00:23:29,674 --> 00:23:32,609 In case you missed the first act... 386 00:23:32,711 --> 00:23:35,305 Denny's decision not to settle on his divorce... 387 00:23:35,414 --> 00:23:36,972 leaves the firm quite vulnerable. 388 00:23:37,082 --> 00:23:41,348 We may be open to public audit, potential lawsuits. 389 00:23:41,453 --> 00:23:45,514 Paul has threatened to leave, and we may lose Brad if we're not careful. 390 00:23:45,624 --> 00:23:47,819 Sounds exciting. 391 00:23:47,926 --> 00:23:52,795 So you want me to convince Denny to settle so that we all may be settled? 392 00:23:52,898 --> 00:23:55,332 - Something like that. - I won't do it. 393 00:23:56,635 --> 00:24:00,127 Alan, you're willing to see this firm go down. 394 00:24:00,238 --> 00:24:03,207 You're asking me to manipulate my friend, and I won't do it. 395 00:24:04,509 --> 00:24:07,307 Would've been easier just to have sex with you. 396 00:24:16,154 --> 00:24:19,988 Health insurance premiums keep going up. I run a small business. 397 00:24:20,091 --> 00:24:23,356 I'm competing against escrow services that are nationwide chains... 398 00:24:23,462 --> 00:24:25,327 and others that are on the Internet. 399 00:24:25,430 --> 00:24:28,399 I have to either cut costs or close my doors. It's that simple. 400 00:24:28,500 --> 00:24:32,459 And if Miss Zeder would've been able to quit smoking, would you have kept her on the payroll? 401 00:24:32,571 --> 00:24:34,471 Of course. 402 00:24:34,573 --> 00:24:37,667 We didn't give her the $1 00 gift certificate to the Hungry Whistler for nothing. 403 00:24:37,776 --> 00:24:43,237 Mr. Loomis,your desire to cut costs makes absolute sense. 404 00:24:43,348 --> 00:24:46,408 But earlier we heard your office manager testify... 405 00:24:46,518 --> 00:24:49,976 that when you weigh Miss Zeder's productivity... 406 00:24:50,088 --> 00:24:53,182 against any increased health insurance premiums... 407 00:24:53,291 --> 00:24:54,918 you still come out ahead. 408 00:24:55,026 --> 00:24:58,757 So your argument is, dare I say it, a fumble. Correct? 409 00:24:58,864 --> 00:25:00,695 I have to think of the future. 410 00:25:00,799 --> 00:25:03,233 If she gets cancer or heart disease... 411 00:25:03,335 --> 00:25:05,530 or any of the other things that smokers get... 412 00:25:05,637 --> 00:25:07,537 my rates go sky-high. 413 00:25:07,639 --> 00:25:09,937 Mr. Loomis, how do you feel about fat people? 414 00:25:10,041 --> 00:25:11,736 Because according to the Surgeon General... 415 00:25:11,843 --> 00:25:14,277 300,000 Americans die every year... 416 00:25:14,379 --> 00:25:16,279 from obesity-related illnesses. 417 00:25:16,381 --> 00:25:20,340 Other businesses are firing people for that. I haven't done it yet. 418 00:25:20,452 --> 00:25:22,443 - So you're thinking about it? - I'm always thinking. 419 00:25:22,554 --> 00:25:24,613 Anyone can see that. How about alcohol consumption? 420 00:25:24,723 --> 00:25:27,851 People who have more than 15 drinks a week are at risk ofbecoming alcoholics. 421 00:25:27,959 --> 00:25:31,087 And alcoholism can cause cirrhosis of the liver, pancreatitis... 422 00:25:31,196 --> 00:25:33,255 increased incidence of cancer. 423 00:25:33,365 --> 00:25:37,597 Wouldn't it be a good idea to monitor your employees' alcohol intake? 424 00:25:37,702 --> 00:25:39,397 - Maybe I should. - And what about coffee? 425 00:25:39,504 --> 00:25:42,735 Caffeine temporarily increases your blood pressure. 426 00:25:42,841 --> 00:25:44,968 Trans-fatty acids and stress-- 427 00:25:45,076 --> 00:25:47,476 both of these things could cause heart attacks. 428 00:25:47,579 --> 00:25:50,275 That would certainly raise your premiums sky high. 429 00:25:50,382 --> 00:25:53,283 It's been proven arguing 30 minutes a day... 430 00:25:53,385 --> 00:25:55,546 lowers your immune system, as does loneliness. 431 00:25:55,654 --> 00:25:58,145 There go your married employees and your single ones. 432 00:25:58,256 --> 00:26:01,316 You're going to have to watch these people all the time, Mr. Loomis. 433 00:26:01,426 --> 00:26:03,326 I hope you're a multitasker. 434 00:26:03,428 --> 00:26:05,396 Mr. Shore, I think you're exaggerating. 435 00:26:05,497 --> 00:26:08,398 No. I'm just welcoming us all to 1984. 436 00:26:08,500 --> 00:26:12,436 The bus arrived a little late, and our tour guide, George Orwell, is good and dead. 437 00:26:12,537 --> 00:26:16,098 But, nonetheless, we made it and Big Brother Loomis is watching us. 438 00:26:16,207 --> 00:26:18,107 - Objection. - Nothing further. 439 00:26:18,209 --> 00:26:20,609 That is, if it's okay with Mr. Loomis. 440 00:26:33,558 --> 00:26:35,822 I, um-- [ Clears Throat ] 441 00:26:37,362 --> 00:26:40,957 I drafted a memo for you regarding the partnership agreement. 442 00:26:41,066 --> 00:26:42,693 Thank you. 443 00:26:42,801 --> 00:26:45,531 As a second topic... 444 00:26:45,637 --> 00:26:49,835 I'm not saying this firm is about to dissolve, but if it did-- 445 00:26:49,941 --> 00:26:53,604 - Hypothetically. - If it did... 446 00:26:53,712 --> 00:26:59,014 would you be interested in breaking off and setting up your own firm with someone? 447 00:26:59,117 --> 00:27:04,180 Someone and Bauer would probably be the name on the door. 448 00:27:04,289 --> 00:27:10,194 Um, I would certainly have to think about that, hypothetically. 449 00:27:10,295 --> 00:27:15,232 Well, that's all I could ask, if I were asking. 450 00:27:18,436 --> 00:27:20,802 [ Knocking ] 451 00:27:20,905 --> 00:27:23,032 - There you are. - Here I am. 452 00:27:25,210 --> 00:27:27,474 - How's your case? - Not over. 453 00:27:27,579 --> 00:27:30,343 How are your various enterprises? 454 00:27:30,448 --> 00:27:32,678 You mean Bev. 455 00:27:32,784 --> 00:27:36,550 Everyone here thinks my situation upstairs is clouding my judgment... 456 00:27:36,655 --> 00:27:40,216 that only an idiot would want to stay with her. 457 00:27:40,325 --> 00:27:42,987 Everyone in love is something of an idiot. 458 00:27:47,999 --> 00:27:50,160 This might get ugly, Denny. 459 00:27:50,268 --> 00:27:52,236 It may have already. 460 00:27:53,371 --> 00:27:55,339 And I don't care. 461 00:27:57,275 --> 00:27:59,004 At a certain age, Alan... 462 00:27:59,110 --> 00:28:01,237 you'll find it extraordinary... 463 00:28:01,346 --> 00:28:05,578 the compromises one is willing to make for even the possibility of love. 464 00:28:11,856 --> 00:28:16,316 Increased globalization, mega corporations. 465 00:28:16,428 --> 00:28:18,726 How can a small businessman compete? 466 00:28:18,830 --> 00:28:20,593 Two ways. 467 00:28:20,699 --> 00:28:23,395 He must offer a unique, terrific product or service... 468 00:28:23,501 --> 00:28:25,935 and he must keep costs down. 469 00:28:26,037 --> 00:28:28,938 Now, Kurt Loomis runs a first-rate escrow company... 470 00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:33,101 and he wants to do right by his employees by offering them health insurance. 471 00:28:33,211 --> 00:28:36,305 But if he doesn't keep his biggest expense in check-- health care-- 472 00:28:36,414 --> 00:28:38,314 he loses everything. 473 00:28:38,416 --> 00:28:42,750 So he instituted a very strict no-smoking policy. 474 00:28:42,854 --> 00:28:46,813 Now, Mr. Loomis is not only reducing his business costs... 475 00:28:46,925 --> 00:28:49,826 he's also helping his employees who smoke... 476 00:28:49,928 --> 00:28:52,328 by giving them motivation to quit. 477 00:28:52,430 --> 00:28:55,024 Now,Joan Zeder knew the company policy. 478 00:28:55,133 --> 00:28:58,125 She was given ample time to quit smoking... 479 00:28:58,236 --> 00:29:00,568 and she knew she'd be fired if she didn't. 480 00:29:00,672 --> 00:29:03,766 But she chose cigarettes over her job. 481 00:29:03,875 --> 00:29:06,776 And because Miss Zeder is an at-will employee... 482 00:29:06,878 --> 00:29:09,574 Mr. Loomis had a legal right to fire her. 483 00:29:09,681 --> 00:29:13,014 And as to what smoking is doing to her health... 484 00:29:13,118 --> 00:29:16,144 she can read the warning label on the pack. 485 00:29:21,259 --> 00:29:24,592 The great Irish playwright George Bernard Shaw... 486 00:29:24,696 --> 00:29:28,097 had a rather jaundiced view of our country. 487 00:29:28,199 --> 00:29:30,633 Shaw said that while our Constitution... 488 00:29:30,735 --> 00:29:34,330 was set up to prevent political dictatorship... 489 00:29:34,439 --> 00:29:36,964 in doing so, we established a society... 490 00:29:37,075 --> 00:29:40,977 where every ward boss is a dictator, every financier a dictator... 491 00:29:41,079 --> 00:29:43,206 every private employer a dictator... 492 00:29:43,314 --> 00:29:47,011 all with the livelihood of the workers at their mercy. 493 00:29:47,118 --> 00:29:50,884 Well, if Mr. Loomis wants to emulate Mussolini... 494 00:29:50,989 --> 00:29:54,686 in how he treats his employees at the office, that's one thing. 495 00:29:54,793 --> 00:29:58,820 ButJoan Zeder's actions at work have always been commendable. 496 00:29:58,930 --> 00:30:01,398 Mr. Loomis also declared himself emperor... 497 00:30:01,499 --> 00:30:03,490 over Miss Zeder in her home. 498 00:30:03,601 --> 00:30:07,230 There he found her smoking, something which is not against the law... 499 00:30:07,338 --> 00:30:10,899 which is, in fact, none ofhis business, but he fired her anyway. 500 00:30:11,009 --> 00:30:13,409 Shouldn't we be able to have private lives... 501 00:30:13,511 --> 00:30:16,173 that aren't governed by the people we work for? 502 00:30:16,281 --> 00:30:20,240 My God, I cannot believe I just asked that question... 503 00:30:20,351 --> 00:30:22,319 in an American courtroom. 504 00:30:23,588 --> 00:30:25,215 My head may explode. 505 00:30:25,323 --> 00:30:27,814 Your Honor, the right to privacy... 506 00:30:27,926 --> 00:30:29,826 as you well know... 507 00:30:29,928 --> 00:30:33,386 is guaranteed under our Constitution. 508 00:30:33,498 --> 00:30:36,194 But now, thanks to our current Supreme Court... 509 00:30:36,301 --> 00:30:39,236 that right is flickering like a candle in the wind... 510 00:30:39,337 --> 00:30:41,396 and the breeze is picking up. 511 00:30:41,506 --> 00:30:45,101 ButJustice Scalia and his ilk aren'tjudging this case. 512 00:30:45,210 --> 00:30:47,269 You are. 513 00:30:47,378 --> 00:30:50,836 And at what point will we say, will you say... 514 00:30:50,949 --> 00:30:54,248 that provided we do not violate the law... 515 00:30:54,352 --> 00:30:57,515 other people cannot dictate what we do... 516 00:30:57,622 --> 00:31:00,591 in the privacy of our own homes? 517 00:31:00,692 --> 00:31:04,458 Your Honor, when you consider this case... 518 00:31:04,562 --> 00:31:06,894 in the privacy of your chambers... 519 00:31:06,998 --> 00:31:12,459 where no police or lawyers or Loomis may enter... 520 00:31:12,570 --> 00:31:15,801 please think about the dying gasps... 521 00:31:15,907 --> 00:31:18,000 of our precious right to privacy... 522 00:31:18,109 --> 00:31:22,876 and what our lives might be like if it actually passes away. 523 00:31:39,197 --> 00:31:42,325 [ Blues ] 524 00:31:50,541 --> 00:31:53,101 [ Man Singing ] 525 00:32:04,622 --> 00:32:07,614 The conference room. I'm putting this thing to bed. 526 00:32:07,725 --> 00:32:09,625 [ Continues ] 527 00:32:16,768 --> 00:32:19,362 [ Ends ] 528 00:32:19,470 --> 00:32:22,667 It's high. It could've been much higher. 529 00:32:22,774 --> 00:32:25,504 - Denny, you want to take a look at this? - No need. 530 00:32:25,610 --> 00:32:29,478 Here's our counter offer. Two words. Maybe three. 531 00:32:30,782 --> 00:32:33,615 - Barbara's Built-ins. - [ Coughs ] 532 00:32:36,587 --> 00:32:38,555 Can Denny and I please have the room? 533 00:32:38,656 --> 00:32:40,851 - Bev-- - It's all right. I got it. 534 00:32:56,908 --> 00:32:59,638 So, what do you know? 535 00:32:59,744 --> 00:33:02,076 ''Barbara's Built-ins. Only the best.'' 536 00:33:03,414 --> 00:33:05,041 You marketed to old people... 537 00:33:05,149 --> 00:33:07,709 in retirement homes in and around Boca Raton. 538 00:33:07,819 --> 00:33:10,549 You sold built-ins for television sets... 539 00:33:10,655 --> 00:33:14,318 and built-ins for dishwashers, built-ins for microwaves. 540 00:33:14,425 --> 00:33:18,862 - But you never built them in. - That's not true. I did some lovely work. 541 00:33:18,963 --> 00:33:22,831 I always meant to finish thejobs that people had contracted me for, but I-- 542 00:33:22,934 --> 00:33:27,098 I had a cash flow problem, and it made more sense financially to-- 543 00:33:27,205 --> 00:33:29,173 To rob the geezers and skip town. 544 00:33:29,273 --> 00:33:31,366 [ Sighs ] 545 00:33:31,476 --> 00:33:34,468 [ Chuckles ] 546 00:33:34,579 --> 00:33:37,207 - How long have you known? - Since our third date. 547 00:33:37,315 --> 00:33:40,876 Whenever I make love to a woman more than twice, I have her investigated. 548 00:33:40,985 --> 00:33:46,617 But, Denny, since you knew my history, why didn't you have me sign a prenup? 549 00:33:47,725 --> 00:33:49,522 Because I loved you. 550 00:33:51,329 --> 00:33:55,129 And when you can send someone tojail with a phone call, there's your prenup. 551 00:33:55,233 --> 00:33:57,895 Well, you know, I still could have you audited. 552 00:33:58,002 --> 00:34:00,129 Mm-hmm. 553 00:34:00,238 --> 00:34:01,899 Stalemate. 554 00:34:03,074 --> 00:34:05,406 Exactly. 555 00:34:05,510 --> 00:34:07,705 And you know why it's a stalemate? 556 00:34:07,812 --> 00:34:10,303 Because we're so much alike. 557 00:34:12,083 --> 00:34:16,611 The fact that we have something on each other means we belong together. 558 00:34:16,721 --> 00:34:19,588 Our love is a fairy tale written by real people. 559 00:34:21,359 --> 00:34:26,353 What I'm saying is, even after all this... 560 00:34:26,464 --> 00:34:29,126 I'd like to make it work. 561 00:34:33,004 --> 00:34:35,302 Denny... 562 00:34:36,407 --> 00:34:38,136 I love you. 563 00:34:40,711 --> 00:34:44,112 But I love Hawaii more. 564 00:34:45,883 --> 00:34:47,851 [ Chuckles ] 565 00:34:51,155 --> 00:34:53,055 Well... 566 00:34:53,157 --> 00:34:56,820 you'll be the one that got away from Denny Crane. 567 00:34:58,029 --> 00:35:00,554 Which makes you... 568 00:35:01,766 --> 00:35:06,965 a large fish in a very small pond. 569 00:35:12,143 --> 00:35:17,604 Mr. Shore, I believe in the right to privacy that you so passionately defended. 570 00:35:17,715 --> 00:35:20,878 And I believe that when Mr. Loomis fired Miss Zeder... 571 00:35:20,985 --> 00:35:24,751 for actions that in no way affected her performance at work... 572 00:35:24,856 --> 00:35:26,824 he acted unreasonably. 573 00:35:27,792 --> 00:35:29,487 But unfortunately... 574 00:35:29,594 --> 00:35:33,496 the law doesn't require Mr. Loomis to be reasonable. 575 00:35:33,598 --> 00:35:36,533 Therefore, there is nothing I can do. 576 00:35:36,634 --> 00:35:39,398 I am granting the motion to dismiss. Court is adjourned. 577 00:35:39,504 --> 00:35:41,904 [ Gavel Raps ] 578 00:35:42,006 --> 00:35:45,407 - What? - I'm sorry,Joan. 579 00:35:51,282 --> 00:35:54,740 We can always appeal this,Joan, and in the meantime, find you a new job. 580 00:35:54,852 --> 00:35:57,548 New job? Alan, I'm a smoker. 581 00:35:57,655 --> 00:35:59,555 An evil, villainous smoker. 582 00:35:59,657 --> 00:36:04,151 If I go on a job interview and I'm honest, I tell them I have a two-pack-a-day habit, that's it. 583 00:36:04,262 --> 00:36:06,162 Liability. Leper. 584 00:36:06,264 --> 00:36:10,200 Yeah. No, it's a new world order, Alan. 585 00:36:10,301 --> 00:36:14,704 I'm just a cog, and I gotta find a way to fit in. 586 00:36:14,805 --> 00:36:18,764 I gotta find a way to quit, even if it kills me. 587 00:36:24,048 --> 00:36:27,108 You know what I'm gonna miss most about smoking? 588 00:36:27,218 --> 00:36:30,119 You work your ass off all day. People screaming at you. 589 00:36:30,221 --> 00:36:32,121 ''Where's my this? Where's my that? 590 00:36:32,223 --> 00:36:35,124 Why haven't you answered my e-mail that I sent you seven seconds ago?'' 591 00:36:35,226 --> 00:36:39,458 And in all that chaos, all that frenzy, smoking was more than a habit. 592 00:36:39,564 --> 00:36:42,431 It was-- It was a place to go... 593 00:36:42,533 --> 00:36:45,559 where I could just shut out the rest of the world... 594 00:36:45,670 --> 00:36:50,130 and find a little, square bit of time... 595 00:36:50,241 --> 00:36:52,539 and peace for me. 596 00:36:52,643 --> 00:36:55,874 Just a little bit. 597 00:36:55,980 --> 00:36:57,777 Sounds perfect. 598 00:36:57,882 --> 00:37:01,010 If I may suggest an alternate habit-- 599 00:37:01,118 --> 00:37:03,086 intercourse. 600 00:37:03,187 --> 00:37:04,950 What? 601 00:37:05,056 --> 00:37:07,251 I find it just as relaxing... 602 00:37:07,358 --> 00:37:10,885 that break in the day, or several times... 603 00:37:10,995 --> 00:37:13,896 when you shut the rest of the world out... 604 00:37:13,998 --> 00:37:17,934 breathing in the moment, feeling it run through your body... 605 00:37:18,035 --> 00:37:20,503 that nice high in the end. 606 00:37:21,806 --> 00:37:23,933 Much like a cigarette. 607 00:37:25,843 --> 00:37:28,971 Was, uh-- Was that a proposition? 608 00:37:29,080 --> 00:37:32,516 [ Chuckles ] Not really. 609 00:37:32,617 --> 00:37:36,348 But if,as a friend, you ever need any assistance... 610 00:37:36,454 --> 00:37:40,322 whenever you feel like having a smoke, just call me instead. 611 00:37:42,059 --> 00:37:44,027 Thanks, Alan. 612 00:37:45,796 --> 00:37:48,765 An agreement has been reached on the matter of Crane versus Crane. 613 00:37:50,568 --> 00:37:53,867 I will buy a house for Bev in Hawaii. She will accept it. 614 00:37:55,039 --> 00:37:57,439 Marriage is dissolved. 615 00:37:59,744 --> 00:38:02,645 Mrs. Crane, I think we should consider our options. 616 00:38:02,747 --> 00:38:05,477 We're done, Eli. We're done. 617 00:38:09,420 --> 00:38:11,513 Look me up if you're ever on the Big Island. 618 00:38:11,622 --> 00:38:13,817 I am the big island. 619 00:38:17,461 --> 00:38:19,429 Come on. 620 00:38:30,608 --> 00:38:32,576 Brad. 621 00:38:33,944 --> 00:38:36,845 I really couldn't have fired you by myself. 622 00:38:36,947 --> 00:38:39,040 - Yes, you could have. - Yes, I could have. 623 00:38:39,150 --> 00:38:43,644 But sometimes people say things they don't really mean, like ''I love you,'' or ''You're fired.'' 624 00:38:43,754 --> 00:38:46,416 So I really want you to stay with the firm. 625 00:38:48,025 --> 00:38:50,186 While everyone was whining about Bev... 626 00:38:50,294 --> 00:38:52,194 you actually tried to take her out. 627 00:38:52,296 --> 00:38:54,059 I admire that. 628 00:38:54,165 --> 00:38:57,498 You have very large testicles, my friend. 629 00:38:57,601 --> 00:38:59,432 Well, thank you, Denny. 630 00:38:59,537 --> 00:39:02,870 - I'm flattered you have that opinion of me. - It's not my opinion. 631 00:39:02,973 --> 00:39:05,771 I saw you in the shower at the gym. 632 00:39:05,876 --> 00:39:07,275 Good God. 633 00:39:09,780 --> 00:39:12,749 [ Rock ] 634 00:39:18,055 --> 00:39:21,252 [ Man Singing ] 635 00:39:36,540 --> 00:39:39,441 [ Fades ] 636 00:39:39,543 --> 00:39:42,535 You know, the best part of my marriages has always been the first day. 637 00:39:42,646 --> 00:39:46,082 Just married-- grand thing. 638 00:39:46,183 --> 00:39:47,741 But for me... 639 00:39:47,852 --> 00:39:50,582 there was nothing more devastatingly lonely... 640 00:39:50,688 --> 00:39:53,088 than being married for a while. 641 00:39:55,126 --> 00:39:57,094 You never talk about your wife. 642 00:39:59,196 --> 00:40:01,562 What was she like? 643 00:40:03,334 --> 00:40:07,134 She had all the most delectable qualities one could hope for-- 644 00:40:07,238 --> 00:40:10,469 creativity, desire... 645 00:40:10,574 --> 00:40:14,135 zealotry, a gorgeous clavicle... 646 00:40:16,013 --> 00:40:17,480 healthy lack of inhibition. 647 00:40:17,581 --> 00:40:20,243 Sounds spectacular. What happened? 648 00:40:22,052 --> 00:40:24,020 She began... 649 00:40:26,791 --> 00:40:28,691 to know me too well... 650 00:40:28,793 --> 00:40:31,091 and I began to hate her for it. 651 00:40:31,195 --> 00:40:35,029 Even when I was unpredictable, she'd predict it. 652 00:40:35,132 --> 00:40:38,033 For those of us who aspire to be original... 653 00:40:38,135 --> 00:40:41,866 that's the worst sort of banality. 654 00:40:45,576 --> 00:40:47,544 She died. 655 00:40:51,081 --> 00:40:53,845 I've missed that banality ever since. 656 00:41:03,661 --> 00:41:08,291 I wonder if sometimes I get remarried just to have someone listen to my stories again. 657 00:41:08,399 --> 00:41:10,128 [ Laughs ] Not a terrible reason. 658 00:41:10,234 --> 00:41:13,169 Someone with that admiring look in their eye. 659 00:41:15,706 --> 00:41:17,697 Yes. 660 00:41:25,516 --> 00:41:29,213 Denny, they're doing some sort of renovations at my hotel. 661 00:41:29,320 --> 00:41:33,552 They start at dawn and make a horrendous racket. 662 00:41:33,657 --> 00:41:36,558 Wakes me up. I can't get back to sleep. 663 00:41:36,660 --> 00:41:39,493 - It's always something with you. - [ Chuckles ] 664 00:41:39,597 --> 00:41:42,760 Night terrors, clowns, renovations. 665 00:41:42,867 --> 00:41:46,894 I was wondering if I could spend the night at your place. 666 00:41:50,374 --> 00:41:52,501 How long are these renovations gonna take? 667 00:41:52,610 --> 00:41:54,168 They won't say. 668 00:41:56,514 --> 00:41:58,744 Well... 669 00:42:01,485 --> 00:42:03,680 stay as long as you need. 670 00:42:03,787 --> 00:42:05,687 [ Singing Continues ] 671 00:42:05,789 --> 00:42:07,450 Thanks. 672 00:42:07,558 --> 00:42:11,289 [ Singing Continues ] 673 00:42:20,371 --> 00:42:23,670 [ Ends ] 674 00:42:58,976 --> 00:43:00,534 [ Woman ] You stinker!