- Previously on Boston Legal. - What are you doing?
I will help you. Now hand me the knife.
It's the toast. Bingo.
- Asperger Syndrome. - Bingo!
Jerry Espenson has been suffering needlessly his entire life.
- You'll get him help? - My word.
Admit you're having an emotional affair with me.
Consider making it physical.
You have a wife who adores you.
For her sake, if not your own, you need to grow up.
- I left my wife, Shirley. - Did you?
So what do you think?
Thank you for walking me to work.
Can I interest you in a cup of--
I see you don't need coffee.
Ivan, I'm, uh-- I'm feeling a little exposed.
Wherever that is, could you put my hand there?
Besides, it's not even 7:00. No one else is eve--
One question. Who was on top?
Me. Her. Me. And then her.
- Little early, aren't you, Denny? - I'm an early riser.
As I recall, Shirley, so are you.
I was just desperate to get out of your bed, Denny.
[ Chuckling ]
Toodles.
- See me for lunch? - I'll pick you up.
Missy.
I--
How are you?
I hope you don't mind my coming here. It's about Ivan.
Of course.
I know it's crazy, but...
I think Ivan is cheating.
''Cheating.''
On you, his wife.
[ Giggles ]
Part of me thinks it's so silly. [ Laughs, Snorts ]
Oh, God.
So he hasn't said anything to you?
Of course not.
But you know my man of La Mancha. [ Chuckles ]
He's a wanderer, Shirley, and I have this feeling that his eye has wandered.
Would it be awfully horrible of me to ask you to talk to him?
Oh, I'll talk to him.
- [ Funk ] - [ Man Vocalizing ]
[ Continues ]
[ Ends ]
[ Brad ] Jerry!
Brad. How are the kids?
- I don't have any kids. - Great!
Oh.
Jerry! What a nice surprise.
Alan, a pleasure. What did you have for breakfast?
Um...
English muffin.
I see your...
behavior modification is going well.
Oh, it is.
I've been working very hard to deal with my Asperger Syndrome.
I've been learning to connect to people, to make eye contact, to shake hands...
to show an interest in them even if I have none.
A skill I never mastered.
What brings you by,Jerry?
Well, I'm a solo practitioner now.
Mostly finance and bankruptcy.
But my behavioral therapist suggested that I place myself...
in more and varied social situations...
so that I might better practice my new social skills.
So I got myself assigned a trial from the courts.
Congratulations.
Only now that I'm actually gonna try a case in a courtroom...
it's, well--well--
Alan, I'm a wreck! [ Groans ]
What's the case?
- Attempted murder. -Jerry.
Yes, it's daunting, but I know the Massachusetts penal code backwards and forwards--
procedure, rules of evidence, objectionable conduct.
Jerry, litigation is about more than knowledge of the law.
It's about confidence and strategy, cheap theatrics.
[ Sighs, Whimpers ]
Why don't I see if I can rearrange some things.
Perhaps, if you'd permit...
I could join you as cocounsel.
Bingo!
I mean... that would be nice.
Three years ago I received my permanent resident card.
It allowed me to bring my son Denbe over from Senegal.
He was here exactly one month...
enrolled at Boston Community College to study engineering.
One night a man approached him, begging for a dollar.
Denbe pulled out his wallet.
And when he did, the man shot him in the face...
took his wallet and ran.
He was caught...
but the police used an illegal search warrant.
So the case was dismissed.
Thejudge banged his gavel and that was it.
It's unimaginable.
Mr. Mkeba is a bus driver, route 48...
Jackson Square Station via Green Street and Stony Brook stations.
I drive the night shift.
I recently pulled over on Green Street, opened my doors...
and there he was.
The man... who murdered my son three years ago.
He got on, paid his fare.
He was six inches from my face.
He didn't even notice me.
At the next stop I pulled over...
and it was as if my body took control of me.
I picked up the club I keep under my seat...
I walked down the aisle to him and I said...
''You know me!''
And I began hitting him as hard as I possibly could.
I couldn't stop pounding him.
It took four witnesses to pull him off.
I see.
I know what I did was wrong.
I know that.
But if I go to jail...
I worry about my family back in Senegal.
Oh.
- Uh, I was just going for the two-percent. - [ Stammers ]
[ Giggles ]
Lot of milk choices these days.
- Yeah. - Have we met?
Uh, Audrey Pugliese. Paralegal transfer from M&A.
I put a brownie in here this morning, and now it's--
Oh, Denny probably took it.
You're kidding me.
No. He has some boundary issues.
Your best bet is to hide it in the crisper.
Thanks.
[ Clears Throat ]
See ya.
He's not supposed to be pacing, Alan.
Ajudge normally sits.
Some judges have their quirks,Jerry. This is his.
He runs a very busy courtroom.
Ah. Mr. Kupfer.
Jerry,you're in luck.
Mr. Kupfer is my favorite opposing counsel-- he's smart, eloquent, a pleasure to watch.
And every time I go up against him, he obligingly loses.
If the U.S. really wanted to torture detainees...
they could sentence them to be you for a day.
- I imagine it's excruciating. - [ Laughs ] You have no idea.
Docket number 4175-- Commonwealth of Massachusetts versus Ande Mkeba.
- The charge is attempted murder. - How do you plead?
Uh,Jerry Espenson for the defendant. We plead--
That is, not guilty, Your Honor.
By reason of temporary insanity.
- Mmm. Bail? - The Commonwealth seeks remand.
[ Clears Throat ]
Your Honor, the crime Mr. Mkeba is charged with committing...
was the result of a unique and volatile confluence of events...
that is unlikely to occur again.
I'm sorry. Could you sit down, please?
I beg your pardon.
You're distracting, not just me but everyone. Isn't he?
[ Alan ] Jerry.
There is nothing in the Constitution...
that says a judge has to sit on his ass all day, Mr. Espenson.
Your Honor, the defendant is a flight risk. He has strong ties overseas.
[ Alan ] The man can't afford a flight.
And the strong ties Mr. Kupfer refers to is Mr. Mkeba's family...
who will starve if Mr. Mkeba is not allowed to continue driving his bus.
Uh, very well.
Bail is set at $50,000.
We'll have you out by the end of the day.
I just got overwhelmed.
Your first time can be emotional.
We'll try not to let it happen again.
I brought wine, cheese, and condoms.
I thought we'd picnic.
Missy came to my office today.
Ah. So just the wine and cheese.
She's fairly certain of two things-- one, that you're having an affair...
and two, that you're still married to her.
A slight technicality.
Look, Missy and I are done, Shirl. I swear.
However, it is possible that Missy and I were not on the same page...
when I broke the news to her.
And what did your page say?
''Missy, our marriage is over. I see now that we've made a mistake.
It's time to admit it, move on and seek our happiness elsewhere.''
And what page is Missy on?
''Don't wait up. I'm going out with the guys.''
I should have known, Ivan. I know you.
You laid the oldest line in the married man's playbook on me, and I swallowed it.
Look, if you want to stab me with your letter opener right now--
That's how I'd prefer to go anyway.
But know that I am going to tell her. It's just not that easy.
- Ivan, tell her. - And then?
There is no ''then, ''Ivan. We're only dealing in now. Tell her.
He was driving the bus.
He made another stop or two.
And each time he kept looking back at me.
Then he put on the emergency lights, pulled over.
I thought something was wrong with the bus.
Then he gets in my face and starts to beat the crap out of me for no reason.
[ Kupfer ] Did he say anything to you?
Something like, ''You killed my son. '' I don't know what he was talking about.
And how did the defendant appear to you at this time?
Like he totally knew what he was doing.
He parked the bus, looked me right in the eye and tried to kill me.
Thank you. Nothing further.
-Jerry, it's your witness. - No, I--You take this one.
- I'll do the next one. - This one's yours,Jerry. We prepared for this.
- You are ready.Just stand up-- - No.
- You can do this. - [Judge ] Counselors.
The suspense is killing me.
Mr. Armus, you just testified you didn't know what my client meant...
when he accused you of killing his son.
- That's not entirely true, is it? - Don't know what you mean.
- Let me be very clear then. You murdered Mr. Mkeba's son. - No.
- Objection! - You shot him in the face to steal his wallet.
- I didn't do it. - All charges were dropped.
- Mr. Shore? - It goes to insanity, Your Honor.
This man murdered Mr. Mkeba's son in cold blood.
Anyone can understand why a father goes into an uncontrollable rage...
when his son's murderer steps onto his bus.
Counsel, approach.
Your Honor, Mr. Shore knows full well...
that the case against Mr. Armus was thrown out.
Because of a faulty warrant...
and the incompetent twits in your office couldn't fix it.
Children, enough. Objection sustained.
No more games, Mr. Shore.
Step back.
I like your shoes.
Don't start, okay?
When my client grabbed you, how many people did it take to pull him off?
Yeah, like, five or six guys at least.
Five or six grown men to pull one man off you.
- He was beating the crap out of me. Wouldn't stop. - As though he had lost control?
Yeah! That's ri--
I don't remember much after that. I blacked out and they took me to the hospital.
Nothing further.
That was great.
- I'll do the next one. - You will do the next one.
Hey, Audrey.
Hey, you.
God, I'm so glad I got out of M&A.
Criminal law's a lot more interesting. There's so much to learn.
Yeah. I like it.
Look, as a sort of welcome to the department type of thing...
would you like to grab some dinner?
Oh.
I know this little Basque place, and they serve family style with long benches.
- It's a lot of fun. - I would love that.
So I'll make a reservation for--
- 8:00? - 8:00 it is.
Great. Sounds perfect. I'll meet you there.
And then afterwards, maybe we can go back to my apartment.
That sounds like a plan.
- We could review the penal code. - Great.
And I'll show you my vagina.
You speak Italian, right?
Sė. Parlo italiano.
So let me ask you this.
In Italian, does the word, uh, ''vagina'' mean something else?
- Something else? - You know.
Could it have some meaning other than--you know?
Like, is it another term for some sort of...
ancient seacraft?
I asked out Audrey.
The new paralegal? I'm surprised.
You're usually so sensitive to all the rules around here.
Believe me, there was no sexual harassment involved, at least on my part.
But on her part, somebody not as cool as me could write her up.
What do you mean?
She said yes.
Then she asked me if, later, I wanted to see her--
Seacraft?
Uh-huh.
As a friend who's also a girl...
would you ever say anything like that?
- Probably not. - That's what I thought your answer would be.
But I still like her.
Brad, what Audrey said is a little odd.
But if you really like her, it's not a deal-breaker. It's just a-- a word.
So... anchors aweigh.
Missy.
I spoke with Ivan and he told me everything.
I don't know what to say.
You don't have to say anything except maybe ''you're welcome''...
because I owe you a super huge ''thank you. ''
- You do? - After I spoke with you, I spoke with Ivan.
It turns out I was just being a nervous bride.
He's not having an affair.
- Ivan reassured me that everything is fine. - Of course he did.
The thing is, I have a tiny confession to make.
I know I shouldn't...
but I still have a squinch of a doubt when it comes to Ivan's fidelity.
I just don't want to doubt him for the rest of my life.
You have such a clear mind. What should I do?
I think I may have an answer.
Now, Mr. Mkeba, how did you feel when you were beating him with the club?
- No. You don't want to say that. - Right, right. Okay.
So then I'll say, ''How did you feel during this-- during this.''
And that will elicit testimony that he wasn't in control ofhis emotions...
and he couldn't determine right from wrong...
and therefore, not guilty by reason of temporary insanity-- bingo!
- I'm sorry. - I'm only allowed eight ''bingos'' a day.
You're well under your quota.
It's always good to have a few spare bingos in your back pocket.
That felt a little stiff.
Well, fortunately a courtroom is a rather formal place.
The jury won't expect you to be loose and casual.
Good.
Jerry, keep in mind that when you're questioning the witness...
you are in charge of what you're doing.
If you need to take a moment to gather your thoughts, take the moment.
Don't ever feel rushed.
Okay.
Good morning, Mr. Mkeba.
Mr. Mkeba, where are you from?
- Senegal. - Senegal. Right.
He may say the city that he comes from, too.
But whatever he says, I can deal with that.
A postnup?
My idea. I'm clever.
- She gets my cigarette boat. - Only if you cheat.
My box at the symphony, my season tickets to the Crimson games.
I went to Harvard. Does she look like she went to Harvard?
No. But with 80% of your net worth, she'll be able to make a sizable endowment.
Who knows? Maybe they'll rename the Ivan Tiggs Theater.
The ''Ivan Tiggs Can't Keep It In His Pants Theater'' has a nice ring to it.
My golf membership. My custom-made suits.
So basically, if I screw around, she gets my life.
Not your whole life. Just the parts you love.
So, what do you love, Ivan?
Maybe you should give it some thought.
- She keeps saying it. - Excuse me?
Audrey. We went out on Friday, again on Saturday.
We spent all Sunday morning together.
We're supposed to see each other tonight. And we're--you know.
- Having sex? - Yeah. It's great.
It's really great.
But she keeps saying that word... a lot.
- As in? - As in, ''Oh, boy, my that really feels good.''
Or, ''Wow, you sure know your way around my that. ''
At first, I thought maybe she just likes to talk dirty.
Maybe this is a lead-in for something else. But there is no something else.
- It's just that again and again and again. - Hmm.
I think I need to end it.
[ Mkeba ] No matter how angry the rest of the world is with the United States...
it's still the place to come for hope and opportunity.
But no one told me this could happen.
My boy was here exactly one month...
and he was gunned down...
killed like an animal by another animal-- that man Armus.
- Objection. - Sustained.
Okeydokey.
Now, Mr. Mkeba, take us to the day of the incident.
I stopped my bus, and he came on board--
this man who is guilty ofkilling my son.
Of course, he wasn't actually found guilty.
Um, the case was thrown out.
I, uh-- Um, let's... move on.
Okay. What happened at-- when--
What happened next exactly?
When I saw him, I froze.
My heart began to pound, and I couldn't breathe.
And then I realized what was happening.
God had sent me this gift.
It was a sign from God himself.
A sign from God.
- And then I let God take over. - God took over.
He, I-- Whatever you will call it--
began hitting Armus over and over, beating him.
No, but first you pulled over and got your club that you always keep under your seat.
- And then you started beating him. -Jerry.
- I don't know. I-- - No. You explained to us the other day...
exactly how you recognized him.
Then you pulled the bus over, and then you grabbed the club--
- Your Honor, may I confer with my colleague? - I'm sorry.
- If he perjures himself on top of these other charges-- -Jerry.
It'll be much worse because, in fact, Mr. Mkeba was only attacking Armus...
in revenge for what Armus did to his son.
- Oh! No, not revenge! Oh! - [ Spectators Murmuring ]
I did not mean to say revenge.
Uh-- [ Whimpering ]
Your Honor, I would like a brief recess to confer with cocounsel.
- Huh. No kidding. - [ Scoffs ]
Well, it is late.
Uh, let us reconvene tomorrow.
- Oh, God! Oh, God! -Jerry.
Did I blow it? My first trial, and I blow it.
It was as if I could see the wrong words coming out of my mouth.
Then they were out, and I couldn't bring them back in.
Jerry, the thing to remember is that a trial is a process.
Thejury's decision almost never hinges on just one thing.
I said our client took revenge on the victim.
- And you shouldn't have, but you did. - Oh, God!
- And we'll just have to deal with it. - How?
I don't know yet,Jerry, but I do know this.
- The trial's not over. - [ Sniffles, Sighs ]
Have you ever been involved in a case that was going this badly?
I'll be very frank with you.
I've never been involved in a case that was going as badly as this one.
Mr. Espenson made a very big mistake, didn't he?
He did.
Not only did Jerry make an unfavorable impression on the jury...
but his statement that you...
attacked Mr. Armus for revenge...
is something from which we cannot recover.
That bell cannot be unrung.
You may pick the metaphor of your choice...
but, in any event, we will lose.
So what do we do now?
I'm afraid we can't do anything.
But you could do something.
You could run.
Mr. Mkeba, whatever it was...
that caused you to uproot yourself and your son...
to start a whole new life far away from the rest of your family--
whatever it was that caused you to do that--
how does it compare with spending...
most of the rest of your life in jail?
So, you are telling me to flee?
As a member of the Massachusetts Bar...
I could never advise you to do that.
But I can advise that if you appear in court tomorrow morning...
you will most certainly be found guilty...
and they will take you away immediately.
Mr. Mkeba, I'm sorry.
But a legal victory in this case is no longer possible.
The best that you can hope for...
is to... avoid another injustice.
When you and I first got together...
my mother said, ''Missy, my baby cat...
''he's had five wives before you.
Which puts him on-- Ding. Fifth floor, philanderer department.''
I reminded her that you and I met at church...
where we both left the crooked path to follow our Savior.
- Amen. - Only those seeds of doubt were planted in my mind.
The only thing that brought me peace was when Shirley suggested the postnup.
Bless her soul, but as you can see, sweetheart...
the solution is no solution at all.
It's simply created strife between us.
Yes. Now I can see that.
- I'm glad. - And I have a solution.
Which is?
The only way to dive in and cast our lots together is to do just that.
I'm going to draw up a postnup of my own, Ivan Tiggs.
I'm not following.
And it'll go like this. I, Missy Tiggs...
hereby pledge to you everything dear to me:
my fully autographed album cover of the original cast of A Chorus Line,
my piece of the barricade that accidentally broke off during Les Miz,
and... my limited edition Phantom mask.
Of course, materially, my possessions cannot begin to compete with yours...
but they are everything I hold dear to my heart.
That is, everything that isn't you.
We live in such a horrible, jaded world these days.
No one at all believes in the happy ending anymore.
But a big part of me believes that love can be forever.
That's why I love musicals.
That's why I love you.
I can't imagine ever breaking your heart.
And I think if you broke my heart, my life would be over.
But you would never do that to me, would you, Ivan?
Not in a million years.
Hi.
Audrey.
Are we still on for a late dinner?
Hey, listen, about that. I got slammed this afternoon.
- I gotta file this... motion tomorrow morning. - Oh.
I don't think it's gonna happen tonight.
Oh, that's okay. We can reschedule. Maybe tomorrow.
Tomorrow I've got basketball. Then my parents are visiting for the weekend.
Tell you what-- I'll call you next week.
We're going to set something up for next weekend.
No, we're not, are we?
No. We're not.
Can I ask what happened?
You keep using the ''V'' word, and it creeps me out.
- Uh. You mean vagi-- - Yes! Yes.
What is it that you don't like, um, exactly?
- The word or, uh, the item? - I love the item.
I can't get enough of the item. It's just the word.
It sounds clinical. You don't hear it often outside the classroom.
I can't believe this.
You guys talk about your, um, equipment all the time.
Okay, first of all, I don't.
And second of all, we have many clever names for it.
Exactly. You have, like, 4,000 names for it.
- But God forbid I say ''vagina''-- - [ Murmurs ]
- Did-- Did you just flinch? - No.
Fine. You don't have to go out with me.
Grow up.
You're the one who said it.
Well, Your Honor, this may be an all-time low...
even for Mr. Shore.
Your Honor, our client is missing.
We should be worrying about his safety...
not constructing wild theories about his disappearance.
Oh, please. You knew you were losing. You told him to run, and he ran.
At the risk of forfeiting the bail we posted? Don't be preposterous.
We had no reason whatsoever to tell Mr. Mkeba to run away.
The facts are on our side. Thejury loves me.
And they find Mr. Espenson quirky and endearing.
No. The only one with a motive to make Mr. Mkeba disappear is you, Mr. Kupfer.
- What have you done with him? - Your Honor--
Mr. Kupfer, do you have any evidence...
that Mr. Shore is hiding Mr. Mkeba?
- Not yet. - Mmm.
The police will continue to search for Mr. Mkeba.
An international warrant will be issued for his arrest.
And until such time as Mr. Mkeba shows up again...
uh, this case is adjourned.
No. Now, everybody just get out.
Perhaps you and I should go look for him ourselves.
Wouldn't it be fun to ride around Boston together? We could pack sandwiches.
You know, Al, my only fear...
is that someone's gonna stab you before I get a chance to take you down.
Odds are you're right.
It's been a pleasure, Mr. Kupfer.
How 'bout them Celtics?
[ Rock ]
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
- [ Fades Out ] - [ Phone Ringing ]
[ Sighs ]
I can't break her heart, Shirl.
Sure, you can. You do it all the time.
True.
Actually, I blame the system. Why can't a man love two women at once?
Or 10 or 15.
Ivan, let's not waste any more of each other's time.
I knew this was over the moment Missy skipped into my office last week.
And while we're being honest-- at least I am--
when we were together, I knew eventually...
it would be... something.
No one ever really has Ivan Tiggs.
Also true. You're still my best friend though.
Am I yours?
I need to look at the way I've been defining my friends.
For now, no.
You sure know how to break a guy's heart.
[ Chuckling ] Yeah.
I can be cruel that way.
You do understand what signing this document means, don't you?
I do.
Let's face it. None of us trusts me.
This way, I won't come knocking at your door unless I mean it.
Of course...
if I sign it...
you and I are going to have to be really careful.
Oh, that poor girl.
- Hey. Audrey? - What do you want, Brad?
Listen, about before, I kinda acted like a--
I know. The word. Well, I can say it.
I want you to know I get it. It's probably just some male-female thing.
We men aren't used to women discussing their anatomy so freely.
I'm sure women feel the same way when men discuss their... anatomy.
What I'm trying to say is, I would really like to go out with you again.
I don't know why I reacted the way I did.
It's just a word. Right?
Say it.
- I'm thinking it. - [ Exclaims ]
All right. Vagina!
They haven't found Mr. Mkeba.
They'll let us know if they do.
I would never ask you directly...
if you had anything to do with his going away.
That's because you're an excellent attorney,Jerry.
[ Sighs ]
There's no doubt in my mind...
that you could develop into a first-rate criminal defender,Jerry.
But my hope is that you don't.
Even at your relatively mature age...
you're... still innocent.
Except for when I held a knife to Shirley's throat.
Other than that.
There's a reason Shakespeare, and many after him, said...
first, kill all the lawyers.
They're talking about people like me,Jerry, not you.
I am excellent at banking and finance.
You are indeed.
Thank you, Alan.
It's been a pleasure, and enjoy the rest of your day.
Good-bye,Jerry.
[ Singing ]
[ Together]
Thank you, Shirley, for everything.
Oh, it was a pleasure.
Ivan, always good doing business with you.
Yes, it is.
So, honey, shall we go?
You go ahead. I'll be there in a minute.
I want to thank you, Shirley.
- Uh, it was nothing. - No. It was everything.
When I came to you, I did it because I knew you were a woman of principle.
And you didn't let me down. You did the right thing.
And now, from this day forward...
I know my Ivan won't cheat on me...
with anyone.
Nothing worse than having your heart crushed and your pride stung...
all on the same day.
My God. We have the fastest water cooler in town.
I feel like such a fool.
Well, forget it.
If anybody knows anything about being a fool, it's Denny Crane.
My advice-- get some mortar and brick and wall it up.
Does that mean you're back on the market?
Denny, as far as you're concerned...
I'm always on the market.
You see? That's how you get us--
all of us men-- even Denny Crane.
We know we don't deserve Shirley Schmidt...
but just the possibility is enough to sustain us.
- You are a dear, sweet man. - Mmm.
And I have something else that might sustain you.
- Denny Crane. - [ Gasps ]
[ Mock Groan ]
- Oh. I hear you misplaced a client. - Not really.
Like car keys and sunglasses, he'll show up somewhere.
I misplaced a client once.
- Did they ever find him? - No.
I made sure to ship him off to some country with no extradition--
a practically deserted island off of South America.
He sends me ''feliz cumpleaņos'' cards every year.
- That's thoughtful. - Yeah.
Sounds like paradise, actually, living on an island--
a much simpler life.
Especially if it's an island where the natives run around on the beach...
with their boobies hanging out.
[ Chuckles ] Yes.
But I was thinking on a much more elemental level--
a place where my biggest concern would be...
carrying water on my shoulders...
or where the simple act of thatching a roof...
would dissipate the voices in my head.
And the hardest choice you have to make is what you're gonna have for lunch.
What did you have for lunch today?
Flounder. You?
Steak sandwich, onion rings.
Alan, you know, one thing you sometimes forget is...
no matter how hard your day, no matter how tough your choices...
how complex your ethical decisions...
you always get to choose...
what you want for lunch.
Daily, I am amazed at your inexhaustible ability to just live.
It's either that or die.
[ Woman ] You stinker!