What are you doing?
Stanley cup. Oldest trophy in professional sports.
Denny, please do not tell me that you've stolen the Stanley cup.
Oh, don't be ridiculous. I know people.
I got it for the day.
And what are you doing?
I'm gonna put my name on it.
Every player, coach, G.M.,
anybody who's won the cup has their name on it.
–But you've never won it. –I contributed.
Watch this.
1970 Boston Bruins.
Bobby Orr scores the winning goal!
Cut to...
That's him, looking for his dad in the stands,
but he's not looking for his dad, not really.
He was looking for you?
I loaned him my lucky jockstrap that day.
I hope you washed it first.
My name belongs on this cup.
Denny, I don't think this is a good idea.
They'll never notice. It's got so many dings on it already.
I'll say I dropped it on my desk.
You dropped it and left a ding in the form of your name?
It's the Holy Grail, man.
Denny Crane's name belongs on it.
Well, engrave it later. We need to get to the wedding.
Who are the jarheads standing with Brad?
Those are his groomsmen. They're all reservists together.
Could come in handy. Denise looks like a runner.
–Hello. –Hello.
Mr Shore, Nick McClinton. My friends call me Father.
I've heard a lot about you.
Yes, I've been around with some of the nuns.
So have I.
Uh, listen, there's a legal matter I'd like to discuss with you.
May I phone your office next week?
Little trouble with one of the sisters?
We should take our seats.
–Well, hello there. –Hello.
I'm, uh... I'm Nick McClinton.
You here alone? –No, I'm with the group.
I'm the designated drinker.
Well, excellent.
That priest is a hound dog. I like him.
Father, I think you need to perform a ceremony.
Oh, indeed. See you at the reception.
Clergy love me.
I love it when the bride's knocked up. Everybody gossips.
Father, they're coming! They're coming!
Mr Shore, that matter I wanted to discuss,
it's, it's happening now! Please, please.
Come with me, please.
Please, in here.
FBI! Everyone, stay where you are!
Where's the priest? –Slow down.
All you've got is the word of a few young boys against a man of God!
What's going on?
We have evidence that Father McClinton is harboring illegal aliens on the premises.
Where'd he go?
That door.
Listen, we're marines. What can we do to help?
Seal the premises. Nobody gets in or out without my say-so.
Okay, Sal, you take the front.
Eddie, secure the back alley. I'll secure the altar.
Everyone, remain calm.
Let's move!
What a wedding!
Boston Legal 3x23 Duck and Cover
Tranquilos. In here.
You have about a half a minute to tell me what's going on
before those agents knock this door down.
This is Maria and her son Alberto. Maria's undocumented.
Immigration caught her in a sweep of the clothing factory where she worked,
and they want to deport her back to Mexico.
How did they end up living in your church basement?
The church offered them sanctuary.
Well, that's very noble,
but there's no legal right to church sanctuary in this country.
Of course. But Alberto was born here. He's a citizen.
If they send his mother back, the government effectively deports him, too,
so Maria has not set foot outside this church for, well, three months.
FBI, open the door!
–She's protecting her son, Mr Shore. –I'll do what I can for Maria.
As for your impending arrest, say nothing.
I'll represent you.
Nicholas McClinton, you're under arrest for harboring an illegal alien.
You have the right to remain silent.
He's represented by counsel. No interrogation.
Should you choose to give up that right,
anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
You have the right to speak with an attorney.
Has anybody checked on Denise?
Brad's with her.
Father, say nothing.
–What did I miss? –No time to explain.
If you catch the garter, save me a whiff.
Excuse me, everyone. I have an announcement to make.
There isn't going to be a wedding today,
seeing as we have no priest and now no bride.
A runner. I knew it.
Brad, where is Denise?
She's in labor.
You're effacing.
Is the baby coming?
Contractions are at seven minutes.
Ideally, you want them to be 5 minutes and last 60 seconds.
Well, should we stay or go home?
You can stay.
I'd lose the gown, though. It could get messy.
–Oh, my God! –What?
–He'll be a bastard. –What?
Denise, we're not married. He'll be illegitimate.
–You've got to be kidding me. –We can't do this.
We can't do... did you not hear what she just said?
This little bastard is effacing!
Is there a chaplain in the hospital?
Yes, but I...
Get him up here!
–I don't believe this. –Hold on a second.
Get the chaplain up here now!
Oh, Shirley Schmidt promised you'd take care of this.
I see.
And what exactly is the problem?
My landlord's evicting me. It's so unfair!
Does it have anything to do with the duck?
Oh, I get that it's a no-pets building, but Larry is not a pet.
I have an anxiety disorder, and Larry's my emotional support animal.
I'm pretty sure I have rights.
You want to touch his beak? It's really smooth.
Will you excuse me?
I've handled multinational corporate bankruptcies, high-profile murder cases
and defended manufacturing giants against product liability charges.
Yes?
And you assign me the duck lady.
Is she just sitting alone in your office?
She has the duck.
I can only surmise you did this
'cause, one, you're hazing me since I'm the new guy again,
or two, you think my Asperger's allows me to relate to anyone colorful.
Or three, you're having second thoughts about rehiring me.
It's four.
I'm name partner and
don't, underscore, have to explain myself to you.
Well, that's a conversation-stopper.
It's like the cops say,
a case came in, and you were catching.
Docket number 830294, United States vs Nicholas McClinton.
Let's see what the hell we got here.
Alan Shore for the defense. Waive reading.
The defendant pleads not guilty and asks for an immediate trial.
–No objection. –Bail?
–Defense requests ROR. –He's a flight risk, your honor.
Father McClinton's contempt for the law is well-known.
He notoriously assisted draft dodgers during the Vietnam war.
This isn't a first for him.
Objection.
We like to forget Vietnam and other past mistakes in this country.
It makes it easier to repeat them.
What are you, anti=war?
Judge, even the Republicans are against the war now.
It's the “in thing” to be.
All right. The defendant is released on his own recognizance pending trial,
which I will schedule, uh, one hour from now.
What?
Hey, can't we get rid of this, please?
I'm sick and tired of jailing priests. It's not original.
He doesn't fiddle with the aliens, does he?
Only the nuns.
One hour. See you.
What do you mean there's no chaplain?
There is one, but he's currently occupied.
With what?
Well, a respirator, if you must know.
He's presiding over a plug-pulling ceremony.
Oh, for God's sake!
Oh, the cell phone.
Claire, Brad Chase. Not well.
Listen, I need you to get me a priest.
She's still in labor, but we don't have much time.
I need you to get me a man of God and haul his ass down here.
I am calm!
And stop arguing with me and just do as I say.
My fiancée is effacing with a bastard, so get me a frigging priest!
God almighty.
Oh, my goodness.
Thank God.
We should make this quick.
Denise, we're due back in court.
Simple ceremony. We're gonna skip communion.
–Smart. –We're at 6 centimeters.
–If you could just give us a second... –I think squatting would be better.
Denise, would you like the epidural?
No drugs. We're going natural.
You're gonna be okay, sweetie. Keep breathing.
You breathe! I want the drugs!
Hello, Denise.
Get out of my face!
I'm on a tight schedule here.
Out! Now is not the time.
He's your emotional support animal?
A sort of service animal, an assistive animal.
Some dogs warn you if you have a seizure coming.
Some monkeys fold your laundry if you have no arms.
Why a duck?
I'm from western Massachusetts, farm country.
There were ducks. It was nice.
But here in Boston, everything's... insistent.
I'd have panic attacks. I'd shake, sweat.
It's debilitating.
It's like having a heart attack all the time.
I'm familiar with the phenomenon.
My doctor talked about benzodiazepines
and immersion-habituation psycho-hypnotherapy.
And then he said, “how about an animal?”
A positive association that...
calms me.
A duck.
I need this duck like a diabetic needs insulin,
like a wheelchair guy needs a wheelchair.
This is a service duck.
There are between 10 to 20 million undocumented aliens living within our borders,
10 to 20 million.
But you invaded a church.
Look, do you know the cost of illegal immigration?
One study puts it at $30 billion per year, $30 billion.
This while we're trying to fight a war,
feed the homeless, provide health coverage.
Objection. He's assuming facts that are far from in evidence.
We're trying to feed the homeless?
Provide health coverage?
Are we also trying to save the environment?
That would be a good lie to tell, as long as you're—
Hey, you!
Did you just call me “you”?
This room is not your political forum.
Really?
Sit!
What else?
Our hospitals are flooded with illegal immigrants
using our ERs as doctor's offices.
We currently incarcerate more than 300,000 illegals for a variety of crimes,
and our states provide more than $12 billion per year
for the public education of their children.
I'm confused. Is this now his political forum?
Sit down!
By flouting our immigration laws,
Father McClinton is perpetuating this crisis.
The young woman Father McClinton took in has no criminal record, correct?
Yes, but—
–She pays her taxes on time. –It's not about that.
–She contributes time at her son's school, volunteers at the church. –Look—
So contrary to your grossly inaccurate characterization of undocumented workers
as people who run over here, commit crimes,
then demand free care at the hospital,
Ms Lopez is an upstanding member of the community.
In fact, she's a model citizen, isn't she?
Hey, it's your buddy that's on trial here today, not her.
Yes, for aiding a woman who happens to be the mother of someone
who is an American citizen.
Let's talk about her son Alberto.
You mean her anchor baby?
I mean her son.
It's what they do.
They come over here, and they drop babies
because anybody that's born on American soil is automatically a US citizen.
It's an abuse of our 14th Amendment.
Mr Shore?
I'm sorry. I was just taking a moment to allow his racism to resonate.
Objection!
Let's focus on one of these anchor babies.
His name is Alberto. He's 8 years old.
He takes trumpet lessons every Wednesday.
He's the leading scorer of the Blue Tornadoes soccer team.
If you deport his mother,
you're forcing him to either abdicate his rights as a citizen
or fend for himself alone on the streets of Boston.
Which is the more acceptable choice to you?
He can return when he's 18 and then, as a citizen,
legally sponsor his mother's move here.
It's why they do it.
But for those intervening ten years,
if he wants to stay with his mother, he'll have to quit his school,
abandon any access to reliable health care
and put his everyday living conditions at real risk.
Ms Lopez should have thought about that before she broke the law.
And he— –You're preventing an American citizen
from using the very services you brag about to the rest of the world.
If we let everybody in,
do you know what would happen to this country?
My client didn't let anyone in.
He simply provided safe harbor—
For a fugitive,
which makes him a criminal.
No, Claire, he left. He got called back into court.
Breathe, honey.
This is Boston, for God's sakes!
What do you mean you can't find a priest? The place is crawling with priests.
You mean to tell me you can't find one?
Breathe, honey!
Look, um, get a minister if you have to,
a rabbi, captain of a ship, anybody who can perform a ceremony.
You're doing great.
Look, just get Shirley in on this if you have to.
There's a judge down the hall with gout.
A judge can perform a civil service, can't he?
–Get that judge in here. –Well, I can't force him to—
And there it is again.
Claire, yeah, change in plans. Get over here now, fast.
If she was a cripple, I'd put some handrails in her shower.
–Mr Picker— –If she's blind, I'll label her mailbox with the bumps.
She's not, okay.
The fair housing act prohibits discrimination on the basis of disability.
This includes a mental impairment,
which limits an individual's ability to function
as does Ms Lovejoy's anxiety disorder.
No pets.
Okay, that was weird.
Who's the duck hurting?
He waddles around, smelling up the place,
quacking at people!
He's a good duck. He doesn't quack at people.
If there's been any damage, Ms Lovejoy's security deposit—
Won't cover my ass if he bites someone on my property.
Then I'll really get drilled, and they can be vicious.
You're talking about swans.
These animals decrease blood pressure, alleviate depression—
You know what eases my depression?
Watching a stripper clean my gutters.
Do I make people live with that?
Now you're making fun, and I don't like it!
People like you are why we've become a nation of coddlers.
Yeah, making excuses for being weak and having no discipline.
What are you, a cat?
The accommodation isn't reasonable.
She's not handicapped, and he ain't medicine.
Fight me in court. Think I can't take it?
I'm a landlord. –I can't afford to move.
Two months in advance, moving costs.
He'll probably keep my deposit.
I'll have an eviction on my record! Oh, God! Oh, God!
Can you shut him up?
There it is.
Mr Crane!
Blanks. Just kidding.
What, can't take a joke?
They've offered Maria a deal.
They're giving her a green card in exchange for her testimony against you.
Obviously, they're making an example of you.
Great.
I can try to talk to her.
No, no, no, no.
If she has the opportunity to stay here with Alberto,
she should take it. I've actually discussed that with her.
That could turn out to be quite a sacrifice on your part.
They're seeking jail time.
You know what I like to do when things seem hopeless?
Pray?
Bribe. What do we know about this judge?
Bribery isn't an option.
So let's pray then and fight.
You a fighter, Alan? –I like it better than praying.
Well, come on then. This is Boston.
Hold on, honey!
Stop telling me to hold on!
What the hell is going on in here?
Well, I told you. She's having a baby,
and you have to perform the marriage ceremony before she does.
This is Brad Chase, the groom, Denise Bauer, the bride.
And who's that in her vagina?
That would be the doctor.
Oh, she's awfully close.
Okay, let's go.
Ducks quacking, lawyers shooting shotguns,
this place is an asylum, don't you think?
And what's with all the hopping?
I think I have a solution.
If it's duck à l' orange, count me in.
I'll personally be financially liable for any damages.
And further, the duck will agree to wear a diaper.
I mean, Ms Lovejoy will agree that he'll wear one.
Oh, right, so that the guy in 4B can tell me
that he gets to keep a therapeutic Vietnamese pig who helps him stutter less.
Sorry. Duck lady is history.
Mr Picker, please sit.
I don't like you.
What are you gonna do, purr at me again?
I am not going to purr.
It seems I was wrong about that.
See, while you were so kind as to come in today,
I took the liberty of dispatching a paralegal,
first to the executive office of public safety
and then to several of your properties.
I wanted to be prepared should things not work out.
I'm prepared, Mr Picker.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about the fire protection system code 780, CMR 901.6.
Evidently, you neglected to have signage on equipment
and sprinkler control valves of the prescribed size and in contrasting colors.
Addressing that, a hassle, I know.
You have a fence erected without a permit
that exceeds the height allowed for erection without a permit by an inch and a half.
That will be fines, fees and a hassle.
Noncompliance with low-flush toilet mandates. Ouch.
And let's not overlook the pruning of a protected tree
without the permission of the tree warden.
Oh, here's a biggie.
The penalty for use of undocumented workers.
Are we a little sloppy about our employment records?
This is blackmail!
Maybe you should call the cops.
I'm done purring, Picker. The claws are coming out.
You want to screw with me? Go ahead, make my bed.
Day.
–Do you, Dennis— –No, it's Denise!
When's the last time you saw a Dennis giving birth?
Stop rushing me, you rusher!
The head is crowning.
–Hurry! –Do you, Denise, take Brad to be your husband?
–Hurry! –Well done! Here he comes!
Hey, you're not gonna make it!
–Do you, Brad, take Denise to be your— –I do.
–By the power vested— –Just say it!
I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.
Okay, we're married.
–The head is coming! –Oh, my God!
What the hell is happening down there?
Here he is, here he is!
He's here.
Oh, he is a beautiful baby.
Girl.
It's all pinched up and messy.
We have a girl. We have a baby girl.
It isn't cute at all.
–Is she healthy? –Oh, she's perfect.
I thought they always came out cute.
Oh, God. It's a girl.
–Do you want to cut the cord? –Okay.
You don't circumcise girls!
–Um, judge. –Yes?
Let's, let's get you back to your room.
Did it look cute to you? I don't...
Did you ever pursue the idea of entering the United States legally?
Yes.
But it would have taken a long time, and the chances are very—
So you wanted to skip the line and take the fast track.
And when you were caught breaking the law,
the defendant helped you?
Yes.
Who's idea was it to seek sanctuary in the church?
Father McClinton's.
He said the church could provide protection while we find another way for me to stay.
Ms Lopez, why did you come to the United States?
There is no work in Mexico.
My brothers have to travel far to find jobs, construction, farming.
It is very hard on them, and they earn nothing.
$13 each day, it's not enough for my family to eat.
So you broke the law and snuck into our country?
Yes.
And now that you've been discovered, you're being deported?
No, I'm not going back.
Is it true you made a deal with the prosecutor
that you got a green card in exchange for your testimony?
Objection. Relevance.
It's perfectly relevant.
Your entire case against Father McClinton is based on the contention
that illegal aliens such as Ms Lopez are a parasite on our society.
Yet when it suits the government's purposes—
We reserve the right to grant deals to any witness we deem fit.
This is just how our immigration laws are applied in general.
When it suits the government, they look the other way.
But when they want to make a point, they tear innocent families apart
and put a priest's head on the chopping block.
Mr Shore!
Ms Lopez, why did you go to Father McClinton?
He's a good man.
He helps everyone without thinking about himself,
and I thought maybe he could help me.
And he did?
Yes.
I'm so sorry, Father.
I wouldn't do this if I didn't have to.
This is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.
Here you go, mom.
Hi.
Oh, look at her.
Look at her, she's...
Does she look just a little bit like Jeffrey Coho to you?
I'm kidding.
–I love you. –I love you.
Look what we made.
Hi. Hi, precious.
This woman had a child.
They faced a life of certain poverty if she were deported,
perhaps they might have starved.
A priest has to act with mercy when everyone else refuses to.
But surely, Father, you can appreciate if every church started harboring illegal immigrants...
Yes, yes, the big picture.
Well, I couldn't look at the big picture here.
I was looking at one mother and her child facing an unspeakable hardship.
So it's your belief that priests should get to break the law
so long as they're being compassionate?
I didn't state it in such simple terms.
But it is that simple. You harbored a fugitive
because you felt badly for that fugitive.
When's the last time you starved, Mr Sciarra?
There are many Americans that are starving.
And I do a lot to help those people, as well. Does the government?
If you don't mind, I'll ask the questions.
Yes, it's easy to ask the questions. Have you got any answers?
Well, one answer might be “obey the law.”
We can't even decide what the law should be on this issue, and so I—
It's clear on harboring fugitives. What you did was illegal.
That puts you in the company of criminals, Father.
Along with Martin Luther King and other people of conscience.
Oh, oh, you liken yourself to reverend King, do you?
Certainly not. He wasn't Catholic.
Jerry, I'm very impressed.
You got a satisfactory result, avoiding court,
which, given the client's anxiety, was essential.
Excellent, excellent work.
Thank you, Shirl.
It felt good.
Please, call me Shirley.
Don't ever call me “Shirl.”
What?
–He's not breathing! –What?
–Do you know CPR? –No, I don't...
He's not breathing! Help him!
–Do you know CPR? –It's a duck.
–Help him! He's gonna die! –I'm not about to—
Shirley, if you know CPR...
He's not breathing! –It's a duck!
What's wrong with you? He's dying!
Oh, for God's sake!
It's, it's cold.
It's dead.
No!
Oh, Larry! Larry!
–What the... –Dead duck.
A burglar robs your house.
His friend hides him from the police.
They should both go to jail, shouldn't they?
That's exactly what happened here,
only on a much larger scale.
Our country is quickly being robbed of its resources
by those who illegally infiltrate our borders.
Welfare, public education,
our prison system, American medicine,
all are being drained by the influx of illegal aliens.
And remember, under federal law,
hospitals are required to treat anyone who comes in with an emergency,
whether or not they're insured, documented or able to pay.
In California alone, 84 hospitals are closing their doors
because of the rising number of illegal immigrants
and their non-reimbursed tax on our system.
We are nearing the breaking point.
This isn't about being heartless.
It's about having to face a crippling problem.
It would be nice to help everybody,
but we just can't do it anymore.
And it's not compassionate to do it.
Don't be fooled.
Father McClinton is not sparing suffering.
He is simply transferring it,
reallocating it to Americans,
to you and me, to our children.
He is committing a crime,
and he needs to be held accountable.
Even if he is a priest.
In 1903, my great-grandfather came here from Scotland.
He was 16 years old.
I remember when I was about 7,
him telling me that he had sailed across the ocean to find his fortune.
It was the happiest day of his life, he said,
the day he arrived here in the United States of America.
Our nation is so different today.
It's crowded, too much traffic,
not enough housing, not enough jobs, not enough care.
We're overcome.
And recently, our sense of national pride has shifted
to a nationalistic institutionalized paranoia and suspicion of foreigners.
And within that shift,
there's been an erosion of our civil rights,
our democracy has often given way to autocracy,
and we've systematically alienated much of the rest of the world.
But of all the ways that America has lost sight
of what it means to be America... immigration...
It's not just a part of our heritage or landscape,
it's how we were born as a country
and then became the American dream.
Understandably, we can't just keep letting everybody in.
We've got security issues, limited resources and at some point...
But what to do with those who are already here
and have been here for years
as part of our communities, our workforce, our families?
Do we just throw them out for being undocumented?
Because as a nation, we've cultivated them,
wooed them to be here.
And what exactly do we mean by “undocumented”?
Many of these people have documents spilling out of their pockets.
They file tax returns.
They're issued driver's licenses, library cards.
The government actually paves the way
for illegal immigrants to open bank accounts here.
Bank of America and Citigroup offer them loans and mortgages.
Wellpoint, the nation's largest healthcare provider,
sells insurance to them,
while Sprint and Verizon offer them cell phone contracts.
Contrary to the popular myth
that undocumented workers are a drain on our economy,
they are in truth, vital to it.
That's why this issue is so complicated.
In a very significant way,
either you or a family member or a friend,
we all have at least one,
if not many, undocumented immigrants living in our lives.
And if we just start whisking them away,
every one of us will lose people we care about, rely on,
people we love.
But with perhaps as many as 20 million
undocumented immigrants living in this country,
do not think for a second this doesn't affect you on a very personal level,
as it affected my client.
Father McClinton reached out to help somebody he cared about,
one of his parishioners who needed a bed for her and her 8-year-old son to sleep on.
Does that make him a criminal?
The fact that we're in this courtroom
to discuss anything other than what's to be done for this woman and her child,
the fact that we're here instead to punish this priest,
that's what's criminal.
We can no longer be the land of dreams to the rest of the world.
But when I think of the look in my great-grandfather's eyes
as he would talk about how truly blessed he felt to be an American,
to be in a nation that prided itself
on its compassion, its freedom, its true sense of fairness,
when I think about that, I think how lucky we are
that there are times when we still get to believe that.
Please, go back to that room
and declare this day to be one of those times.
Denny Crane.
Denny Crane bobblehead.
Famous Boston icons.
Ted Williams, Bobby Orr, Larry Bird and me.
The vet said the duck died of an apparent coronary,
most likely brought on by you blasting a shotgun in its direction.
Denny, for you to fire off a shotgun in an office space,
loaded or not...
Last week you dropped your trousers in a judge's chambers.
It's getting old, Denny, and it's getting embarrassing.
Not to me.
This behavior will not be tolerated much longer.
I don't mean by the other partners, Denny. I mean by me.
I will fire you.
I won't want to, but I will damn well do it.
This is a warning.
Could you tell me why?
What would possess you to get a shotgun?
Shirley, there was a time when there was a line at my door.
People wanted me on their case.
Now nobody wants me on their case.
Brad and Denise had a little baby girl. Did you hear?
–I did. –Fantastic.
You look around. Brad, Denise, Claire, Alan,
it's all still in front of them, really.
It's not in front of us anymore, Shirley.
It's almost over. We're old.
You can feel however you want about yourself,
and I'll choose how to feel about me.
Shirley...
you're a beautiful woman, smart, still relevant, really.
But you're old.
You're closing in on the end.
Not as fast as I am, but...
eh, we're rich. We certainly don't need to work, but we do so,
not only because we love it,
but because we're desperate for distraction,
like running around shooting a shotgun.
It can be more fun than sitting in your office acting your age.
Will the defendant please rise?
Mr Foreman, has the jury reached a unanimous verdict?
We have, your honor.
What say you?
“On the count of harboring an illegal alien,”
“we find the defendant Nicholas McClinton”
“guilty.”
Ask your honor to enter a judgment notwithstanding the verdict.
Denied. ROR is granted until sentencing.
–We will appeal this. –Thank you.
Please don't worry.
That's the beauty of my job.
I can do it anywhere.
We're going to have another ceremony as soon as Denise is feeling up to it, so...
But you are officially married?
Mr and Mrs Brad Chase.
What's your daughter's name, Brad?
–Bradley. –Okay.
A beautiful thing, having a baby.
Think you got any eggs left, Shirl?
Spit one out for old time's sake. That'd be a hoot.
Talk about your miracles.
I was just making cocktail conversation. I apologize.
Hey! Oh, hey.
A special cigar.
I was saving it for your first son.
But what the hell? A daughter's not so bad.
This isn't China. –Thanks, Denny.
Straight from Cuba.
As legal as my gardener.
Is that a cigar or what? Denny Crane.
Quiet tonight.
Well, I lost.
I don't like to lose.
Well, I sympathized with the priest.
But this immigration mess, you know, it's...
A mess.
At any given moment in my house,
I've got a cook and a maid and a gardner and a car detailer
and a pool man and a handyman and a hooker,
and I'd be the only one that's documented,
except maybe the hooker.
You typically have an answer for our most difficult problems, Denny.
What's the Tom DeLay part of you say about this?
Ship them off to Iraq, let them fight our war,
and after, don't let them back in.
Dig deeper.
Medical research. Test new drugs on them.
What's your Dick Cheney say?
–Shoot them. –Problem solved.
Shirley threatened to fire me today.
–For what? –I killed a duck.
Accident. It had a heart attack.
Shirley was fond of the duck?
I'm assuming.
She's in denial. –About the duck?
About getting old.
How is it the youth rule this country?
I don't get it. The old have all the money.
Yes, but don't you think the real joy in life lies in the promise of tomorrow?
The young simply have more tomorrows stacked up. That's all.
Happiness...
is right now, my friend.
On this balcony, right now, you and me.
I love how you reduce everything in life to...
You and me.
Alan...
let's drink from the cup.
That's gonna be a lot of scotch.
It's the Holy Grail, man.
Gordie Howe drank from this cup.
Rocket Richard, Basil Pocklington.
Here you go.
Scotch actually breathes rather well in trophies.
Now we can say we drank from Lord Stanley's cup.
What a thing to be able to tell our grandchildren.
–Go get a camera. –Denny, careful.
No, no, don't worry. Get a camera, and we'll—
That will leave a significant ding.
Killed a duck, dropped the grail, all in the same day.