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Previously on Boston Legal…
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Oh, I'm in trouble now.
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Yes.
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What's with me?
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I killed a man.
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I bludgeoned him
with his own skillet.
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There are only two “get out of
jail free” cards in the game,
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and you've used them both up.
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You know what you are?
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–A hoot.
–With a capital “h”,
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that's what you are.
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–My friend—
–I am not your friend.
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You and me on a road trip…
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–A dude ranch.
–A dude ranch?
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It's horses and—and sheep.
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We'll have campfires and
marshmallows and tents and…
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sheep.
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www.1000fr.com presents
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Play one of the best new FPS shooters,
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All right. Be honest.
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Have you ever ridden
a horse before?
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Of course I have. Why?
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You look a little stiff.
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You know what? Don't worry
about me, Denny. I've ridden plenty.
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Just like riding a bike—
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never forget.
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When have you ridden a horse?
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–When I was a kid.
–Where?
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At a party.
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–A pony?
–No.
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I don't know.
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His name was Thunderclap.
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He had a hat with holes
cut out for his ears.
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All right, look,
we can't do this.
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–Why not?
–Because this is a serious dude ranch,
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dude.
–Well…
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We got a rodeo
followed by a 3-day ride
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and no Ritz-Carltons along the way.
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–What's your point?
–My point is,
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this is obviously the first time
you've ever mounted a proper horse.
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I know how to ride just fine.
Don't worry about me.
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Oh! Oh.
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Well, this is what
I call a small world,
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that's what this is.
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Look at you, Al…
–Oh, jeez.
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Snuggling up to your horse
like two peas in a pod.
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Am I right, Denny?
Whoo-ee! Ride 'em, cowboy.
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To each his own,
that's what I say.
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Who is this guy?
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00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:58,660
Melvin Palmer. I don't
believe we've actually met.
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A pleasure. I am a big fan.
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Al and I go way back,
that's what we do.
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Hey, we need to be bunkies,
that's what we need to do.
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Home on the range,
where the deer,
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the antelope and
the three of us play.
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This is gonna be a hoot.
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I want to go home.
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Whoa!
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Boston Legal 5×06
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I asked for Alan.
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He's out of state.
You get me.
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What did you do?
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Well,
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I was a victim of terrible
malpractice if you must know.
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And I took issue
with the doctor.
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You took issue
with the doctor how?
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I blew him up.
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I didn't mean to.
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I only meant to set fire
to his office.
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How would I know
he'd run back inside?
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So basically,
you committed murder.
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Well, aren't you
a defendant's dream?
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My God, Catherine.
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Look, honey,
the doctor didn't die.
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In fact, he was only
barely hurt.
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Uh, so I'm only charged
with attempted murder.
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I'm sure you'll do fine,
but you won't be as good as Alan.
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Why don't you
tell me what went down?
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What exactly was his malpractice?
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Well, I have some kidney issues,
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and I became anæmic.
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The doctor put me on a drug
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that caused me to have
a small heart attack.
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I'm fine now,
but I could've died.
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Then I come to find out
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this doctor is taking kickbacks
from the maker of the drug.
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That's when I decided
to torch his office
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and inadvertently blew him up.
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I've already been arraigned,
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so you needn't
bother with the trivial.
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Let's just go to trial.
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And I'd like a speedy one.
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After all, I'm old.
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As are you, dear.
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She handled her own arraignment.
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Evideny, she's gotten quite comfortable
with the judicial process.
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What will be your
defense, revenge?
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00:04:29,100 --> 00:04:30,600
Temporary insanity.
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It's my only choice.
Plus, she is nuts.
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Katie.
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I need you to do some checking
for me on a doctor.
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00:04:37,900 --> 00:04:41,660
Also, I need a little background
on a drug called axelogen.
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–Okay.
–And then there's a—
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I'm terribly sorry.
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My computer calendar is off.
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It indicated Halloween
was today. I apologize.
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I'm headed home to change.
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It won't happen again.
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Balls, balls, balls.
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I get one of those damn little smartphones
'cause supposedly, they do everything—
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music, daily planner, e-mail, text—
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but ask it to keep track
of the damn date?
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I guess that's too much.
You like my outfit?
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It's not Halloween,
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and I would have to be seen
by Shirley and Sack.
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Balls, balls, balls!
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If it's any consolation,
I think you look lovely.
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It's not funny.
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Carl.
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Bo.
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Jerry, you've made rather
a point of saying that
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this is the year
that you will make partner.
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There are many ways of
getting that job done, Jerry.
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Prancing around the office
as little Bo Peep…
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is not one of the better ones.
127
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Won't happen again.
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Uh, this is a-a very
grown-up place, Jerry.
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Halloween is a kids' thing.
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00:06:10,900 --> 00:06:13,060
I actually arrived
before the fire department.
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And, sir, what possessed you
to enter the building?
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00:06:15,100 --> 00:06:17,460
Well, the fire looked
fairly small when I got there…
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00:06:17,500 --> 00:06:19,460
and I thought
I could rescue my files.
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00:06:19,500 --> 00:06:21,612
And the woman who set this fire,
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00:06:21,700 --> 00:06:22,860
she was your patient?
136
00:06:22,900 --> 00:06:23,900
Yes.
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00:06:23,900 --> 00:06:26,060
And what were you
treating her for?
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00:06:26,100 --> 00:06:28,000
She has some kidney disease
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00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:30,760
for which she gets
occasional dialysis treatments.
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00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:34,460
She was suffering from some anæmia,
so I put her on axelogen.
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00:06:34,500 --> 00:06:35,560
And that was for the anæmia?
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00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:37,976
Yes. At first,
it worked quite well.
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00:06:38,100 --> 00:06:40,060
She then suffered
the heart attack.
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00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:43,360
That was unfortunate,
but it was also unforeseeable.
145
00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:46,760
Sometimes there are side effects
that you just can't anticipate,
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especially with
these new drugs.
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Sweet.
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Are you my mount?
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00:06:57,600 --> 00:06:59,100
What did you just say?
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00:06:59,100 --> 00:07:01,560
I'm at a dude ranch, dude.
It's not like I can be choosy.
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00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:03,760
Besides, all the sheep
are spoken for. I checked.
152
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:06,200
Excuse me.
This is my wife here.
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Really? Okay.
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You must want me.
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00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:10,760
–What's going on here?
–What's going on is that
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00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:13,260
this man is making a
sexual advance on my wife.
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00:07:13,300 --> 00:07:14,460
She is nasty.
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00:07:14,500 --> 00:07:15,300
Excuse me?
159
00:07:15,300 --> 00:07:16,900
In a slutty sort of way.
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00:07:16,900 --> 00:07:17,960
–Oh, my God.
–I paid a lot of money
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00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:20,060
for this vacation.
–And I'm trying to show her a good time.
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Did you hear this?
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Did you hear what this disgusting
person just said to my wife?
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Go get your horse.
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Fine.
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My God.
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What a thing.
168
00:07:31,900 --> 00:07:33,400
What a thing.
169
00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:40,642
It's terrible to
have a heart attack.
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Have you had one?
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–Not yet.
–Oh.
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00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:46,300
Something I wouldn't wish on anybody.
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Well…
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00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:51,160
Catherine, at the time
the drug was considered safe.
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00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:54,100
By who? The manufacturer and him.
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00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:55,460
And he was on the take.
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00:07:55,500 --> 00:07:57,600
–Objection.
–Sustained.
178
00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:01,800
Oh, do you realize,
doctors also get rebates?
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00:08:01,900 --> 00:08:04,460
That's in addition to the
little stipend under the table.
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00:08:04,500 --> 00:08:06,960
Objection.
Nothing is done under the table.
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00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:10,300
How do the rebates work,
Catherine? If you know.
182
00:08:10,300 --> 00:08:14,560
Well, the doctor buys the drug directly
from the pharmaceutical company.
183
00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:18,060
They give a rebate based on
the amount the doctor purchases.
184
00:08:18,100 --> 00:08:20,800
Then the doctor sells it
to the patient—
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00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:23,044
no discount to reflect
the rebate—
186
00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:27,500
and is reimbursed by either
Medicare or private insurance.
187
00:08:27,500 --> 00:08:32,000
So he's making a cash windfall
every time he prescribes the drug.
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The fix is in.
189
00:08:33,300 --> 00:08:35,300
–Objection.
–Sustained.
190
00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:37,760
These doctors
are bought and paid for.
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00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:39,000
Strike that.
192
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:41,800
And sometimes,
so are the judges.
193
00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:44,600
Oh, not you, of course.
194
00:08:50,900 --> 00:08:54,000
The other campers voted
to send you both home.
195
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:55,900
–What? Why?
–Why?
196
00:08:55,900 --> 00:08:58,860
Because he made an unwanted
sexual advance on my wife.
197
00:08:58,900 --> 00:09:00,460
Not in the spirit of things.
198
00:09:00,500 --> 00:09:03,460
Now many of us paid a lot of
money for a wonderful escape,
199
00:09:03,500 --> 00:09:04,660
the trip of a lifetime.
200
00:09:04,700 --> 00:09:06,060
Irene didn't seem to mind.
201
00:09:06,100 --> 00:09:07,160
Did you hear what he just said?
202
00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:08,600
–Sir—
–You,
203
00:09:08,700 --> 00:09:10,560
don't talk to me.
–What did I do?
204
00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:12,260
He's just a hoot,
that's what he is.
205
00:09:12,300 --> 00:09:13,960
He's a troublemaker—
not in the spirit.
206
00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:17,660
Look, it's not that I wouldn't love to
leave this flea-infested paradise—
207
00:09:17,700 --> 00:09:20,460
By the way, the brochure
never said the ranch included him.
208
00:09:20,500 --> 00:09:21,400
Hooter.
209
00:09:21,500 --> 00:09:23,900
Oh, my God.
He fondled my buttocks.
210
00:09:23,900 --> 00:09:24,900
What⁈
211
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:25,900
Now listen,
212
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:28,960
I'm gonna give the two of you
one last warning.
213
00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:31,000
You play by my rules,
214
00:09:31,100 --> 00:09:32,260
or I send you packing.
215
00:09:32,300 --> 00:09:33,200
Oh.
216
00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:36,360
I paid a lot of money for
an experience of a lifetime here.
217
00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:38,600
Get 'em out of here.
218
00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:42,560
Denny, you promised
this would be fun.
219
00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:43,900
I'm having fun.
220
00:09:43,900 --> 00:09:46,400
This is a blast,
that's what this is…
221
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:48,600
hoot.
222
00:09:56,900 --> 00:09:57,900
Carl.
223
00:09:57,900 --> 00:09:58,900
Katie.
224
00:09:59,100 --> 00:10:02,136
So tell me, Carl,
do you have Halloween plans?
225
00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:04,700
Oh, that's right.
It's a kids' thing.
226
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:07,800
Were you always…
227
00:10:07,900 --> 00:10:09,700
how you are now, Carl?
228
00:10:09,700 --> 00:10:10,900
How I am now?
229
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:13,400
You know, so proper and…
230
00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:14,900
behaved and…
231
00:10:16,100 --> 00:10:17,800
And what?
232
00:10:17,900 --> 00:10:19,000
Go ahead.
233
00:10:19,100 --> 00:10:21,160
Take your best shot.
I'm a big boy.
234
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:22,800
You're not, actually.
235
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,100
I'd say you're a big grown-up.
236
00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:28,000
It's a pity.
237
00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:35,660
Oh, I wish you'd waited
till I got back, Shirley.
238
00:10:35,700 --> 00:10:37,960
Well, make sure
you talk to the drug rep
239
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,400
from the pharmaceutical company.
240
00:10:40,500 --> 00:10:42,260
You—you might even want
to put him on the stand.
241
00:10:42,300 --> 00:10:43,500
Excuse me.
242
00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:44,860
No phone calls allowed.
243
00:10:44,900 --> 00:10:46,400
I have an emergency
244
00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:48,260
We all have our offices.
We all have our little crises.
245
00:10:48,300 --> 00:10:50,412
Do you see any of us on a phone?
246
00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:51,660
He's not in the spirit again.
247
00:10:51,700 --> 00:10:54,060
Could you just go off and
work with your dialect coach?
248
00:10:54,100 --> 00:10:55,160
Did you hear that?
249
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:56,960
–Oh, leave him alone, Ian.
–What a thing.
250
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:57,960
What, are you taking his side?
251
00:10:58,000 --> 00:10:59,560
You promised you
wouldn't be getting upset.
252
00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:00,860
Well, now her vacation's ruined.
253
00:11:00,900 --> 00:11:03,260
I don't know why you put up with him, Irene.
–Nobody was talking to you.
254
00:11:03,300 --> 00:11:04,560
You've done nothing
but talk about me.
255
00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:06,460
Because you've done nothing
but cause trouble.
256
00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:08,160
You're an extra.
You don't get to talk.
257
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:09,800
Oh, my God.
258
00:11:10,700 --> 00:11:14,700
Mr Rudeness—
that's what you are.
259
00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:17,000
–Oh, my God!
–Hey.
260
00:11:17,100 --> 00:11:19,260
What kind of example is that,
shooting a gun?
261
00:11:19,300 --> 00:11:21,260
That's a terrible example to set.
262
00:11:21,300 --> 00:11:22,800
Oh, my God.
263
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:26,500
Hey!
Aah!
264
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:27,600
Again!
265
00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:30,160
I've about had it with you.
You understand?
266
00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:31,660
Why does nobody like me?
267
00:11:31,700 --> 00:11:32,760
I like you, bunkie.
268
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:35,160
You just stick close to me
for the rest of the trip.
269
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:37,060
My God. That one's
a homosexual.
270
00:11:37,100 --> 00:11:37,800
Ian.
271
00:11:37,900 --> 00:11:40,260
Supposed to be the trip of a lifetime,
and now we have a homosexual.
272
00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:42,060
It's a “don't ask,
don't tell” dude ranch.
273
00:11:42,100 --> 00:11:43,260
Surely you knew that, Ian.
274
00:11:43,300 --> 00:11:44,460
The one in the middle's a masher,
275
00:11:44,500 --> 00:11:46,500
you're rude, and he's gay,
276
00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:48,160
and all three are from Boston.
277
00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:50,660
All right, buddy. I'm gon'
take you out behind this…
278
00:11:50,700 --> 00:11:52,614
I'm calling it like I see it.
279
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:09,860
I think she felt so violated
after the heart attack and angry
280
00:12:09,900 --> 00:12:13,000
that she went into a mild
dissociative state.
281
00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:14,360
What does that mean?
282
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:16,560
It means, basically,
that she snapped.
283
00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:19,000
She was so blinded
by rage and fear,
284
00:12:19,100 --> 00:12:20,600
she lost herself.
285
00:12:20,700 --> 00:12:24,792
In my opinion, she was not capable
of forming a mental intent.
286
00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:26,160
Are you getting paid
for this testimony?
287
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:28,500
–Objection.
–Overruled.
288
00:12:28,500 --> 00:12:29,360
Are you getting paid?
289
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:31,842
I'm compensated
for my services, yes.
290
00:12:31,900 --> 00:12:33,200
How much for today?
291
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:35,000
$10,000.
292
00:12:35,100 --> 00:12:38,460
So she snapped, lit a fire,
but now she's sane again.
293
00:12:38,500 --> 00:12:39,700
Is that about it?
294
00:12:39,700 --> 00:12:42,200
I believe she's sane again, yes.
295
00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:44,600
Got it.
296
00:13:35,300 --> 00:13:38,600
♫ Michael, row your boat ashore ♫
297
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:42,100
♫ hallelujah ♫
298
00:13:42,100 --> 00:13:45,500
♫ Michael, row your boat ashore ♫
299
00:13:45,500 --> 00:13:48,900
♫ hallelujah ♫
300
00:13:48,900 --> 00:13:52,300
♫ sister, help to trim the sails ♫
301
00:13:52,300 --> 00:13:55,800
♫ hallelujah ♫
302
00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:57,960
♫ sister, help to trim the sails… ♫
303
00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:00,060
I can't believe
you got me into this.
304
00:14:00,100 --> 00:14:01,160
Me? It was your idea.
305
00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:03,560
My idea was to take
a trip, not do this.
306
00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:06,200
Adjust your attitude.
307
00:14:07,300 --> 00:14:08,800
Look.
308
00:14:09,700 --> 00:14:11,400
I think Irene likes me.
309
00:14:11,500 --> 00:14:13,300
♫… home on the other side ♫
310
00:14:13,300 --> 00:14:17,300
♫ hallelujah ♫
311
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:20,900
Hey! All right!
312
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:21,900
Very nice.
313
00:14:21,900 --> 00:14:24,700
Um… okay, Ian,
you got a request?
314
00:14:24,700 --> 00:14:27,960
Yes, um, could you please
put the cigar out, please?
315
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:29,860
You know, it causes
cancer, and— and I—
316
00:14:29,900 --> 00:14:33,600
I'm here for a wonderful
vacation escape, not cancer.
317
00:14:33,700 --> 00:14:35,300
It keeps the bugs away.
318
00:14:35,300 --> 00:14:37,100
If only it worked on pests.
319
00:14:37,100 --> 00:14:38,060
That's a put-down.
320
00:14:38,100 --> 00:14:40,060
–Ian, for God—
–No, no, never mind, Irene.
321
00:14:40,100 --> 00:14:41,760
That was a total put-down.
322
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:43,600
Oh, come on. It was just a…
323
00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:45,360
Put your foot down, man.
324
00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:47,500
Everybody, quiet!
325
00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:52,200
Damn it. This is supposed
to be a joyful sing-along
326
00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:54,100
where we all bar
327
00:14:54,100 --> 00:14:56,560
I have a problem.
These aren't even cowboy songs.
328
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:59,860
I paid a lot of money
for the experience of a lifetime, too.
329
00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:01,460
I expected to hear cowboy songs.
330
00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:04,060
How about “surrey with
the fringe on top”?
331
00:15:04,100 --> 00:15:05,660
Or “sweet betsy from pike”?
332
00:15:05,700 --> 00:15:06,860
“Michael, row your boat ashore”
333
00:15:06,900 --> 00:15:10,160
is a religious song with
a nautical theme for the kids.
334
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,260
Next we'll have Irene here
singing in tongues.
335
00:15:12,300 --> 00:15:13,360
–Excuse me⁈
–I don't want
336
00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:15,760
my wife's name
out of your dirty mouth.
337
00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:16,900
Do you hear me?
338
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:18,400
Whoa.
339
00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:21,800
Would you please…
340
00:15:21,900 --> 00:15:24,000
Hey, I got a cowboy song.
341
00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:26,400
Pass me that guitar, sport.
342
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:30,600
You know I am
a get-along kind of guy
343
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:31,900
that's what I am.
344
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:35,800
And in the spirit of us all
gettin' along here,
345
00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:38,560
I'm gonna dedicate this
little number to my buddies
346
00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:41,400
Alan and Denny.
347
00:15:46,100 --> 00:15:49,300
♫ as I walked out ♫
348
00:15:49,300 --> 00:15:52,300
♫ in the streets of Laredo ♫
349
00:15:52,300 --> 00:15:54,400
♫ as I walked out ♫
350
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:57,700
♫ in Laredo one day ♫
351
00:15:57,700 --> 00:16:00,700
♫ I spied a young cowboy ♫
352
00:16:00,700 --> 00:16:03,800
♫ all dressed in white linen ♫
353
00:16:03,900 --> 00:16:06,200
♫ wrapped in white linen ♫
354
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:09,600
♫ as cold as the clay ♫
355
00:16:10,500 --> 00:16:13,800
♫ I see by your outfit ♫
356
00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:16,800
♫ that you are a cowboy ♫
357
00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:19,600
♫ I see by your outfit ♫
358
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:22,200
♫ that you are one, too ♫
359
00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:25,400
♫ we see by your outfits ♫
360
00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:28,300
♫ that you are both cowboys ♫
361
00:16:28,300 --> 00:16:30,900
♫ if we get some outfits ♫
362
00:16:30,900 --> 00:16:34,700
♫ we can be cowboys, too ♫
363
00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:38,560
They're making fun of us.
364
00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:39,600
I heard it.
365
00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:41,160
That was a Smothers brothers' bit.
366
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:42,560
You know, I didn't like that song.
367
00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:45,060
We went to a lot of trouble
to get just the right outfits,
368
00:16:45,100 --> 00:16:46,160
and we quite like them.
369
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:48,060
That song wasn't
in the spirit, Melvin.
370
00:16:48,100 --> 00:16:49,160
Well, good buddy,
371
00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:52,500
most hats don't
come with on/off buttons.
372
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:54,460
Turn your hats on, Al, Denny.
373
00:16:54,500 --> 00:16:55,560
Let the group see.
374
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:56,860
There's nothing wrong with a hat
375
00:16:56,900 --> 00:16:59,560
be used as a light source
in case of emergency.
376
00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:02,800
No doubt. Turn 'em on.
Let us have a look.
377
00:17:08,300 --> 00:17:10,900
–What?
–They're just jealous.
378
00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:15,572
Come on, Denny.
Let's go back to the tent.
379
00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:49,668
Do you think there are
mountain lions out there…
380
00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:51,200
or wolves?
381
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:53,500
Could be.
382
00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:55,560
Denny, I really
want to go home.
383
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:57,360
Can we please go home
in the morning?
384
00:17:57,400 --> 00:18:00,100
–It's our first day.
–I don't care.
385
00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:03,460
I don't like
pooping in the woods.
386
00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:05,560
I may have wiped myself
with poison oak.
387
00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:07,382
And I don't like the group.
388
00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:11,166
It reminds me when I was little
and kids were mean.
389
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:13,160
I was bullied
as a child, you know?
390
00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:15,160
Alan, I gotta
tell you something,
391
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:16,660
and I don't want you
to take it personally.
392
00:18:16,700 --> 00:18:18,260
Promise me you won't
take it personally.
393
00:18:18,300 --> 00:18:20,100
Ok, what?
394
00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:22,360
I-I have an erection.
395
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:23,100
Oh!
396
00:18:23,100 --> 00:18:26,060
It has nothing to do
with you personally. I swear.
397
00:18:26,100 --> 00:18:26,660
I've had it all day,
398
00:18:26,700 --> 00:18:29,660
ever since I took the viagra
thinking it was my hay fever pills.
399
00:18:29,700 --> 00:18:31,812
And I-I think I got one of those
400
00:18:32,900 --> 00:18:34,500
priapism things.
401
00:18:34,500 --> 00:18:36,700
–That can be dangerous.
–I know.
402
00:18:38,100 --> 00:18:39,860
What if the group finds out?
403
00:18:39,900 --> 00:18:41,760
Alan, would you take a look?
Because—
404
00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:42,900
Absolutely not.
405
00:18:42,900 --> 00:18:44,000
–Alan—
–No.
406
00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:45,760
Well, what am I gonna do?
407
00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:47,200
Plus, I gotta pee,
408
00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:48,660
which is almost impossible when—
409
00:18:48,700 --> 00:18:52,000
We are going home
first thing in the morning.
410
00:18:56,500 --> 00:18:58,200
What was that?
411
00:19:01,500 --> 00:19:03,100
Something's out there.
412
00:19:03,900 --> 00:19:05,400
Hello?
413
00:19:07,300 --> 00:19:08,800
Hello.
414
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:11,100
Go out and look.
415
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:13,842
–You go.
–No, you have to pee anyway.
416
00:19:22,100 --> 00:19:23,200
There.
417
00:19:23,300 --> 00:19:25,100
It's just a sheep.
418
00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:27,900
Are they vicious,
the wild ones?
419
00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:29,900
I don't think so.
420
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:32,660
I'm gonna go try and pee.
421
00:19:32,700 --> 00:19:34,400
Hurry.
422
00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:02,000
Get back in this tent.
423
00:20:02,300 --> 00:20:03,100
What?
424
00:20:03,135 --> 00:20:06,500
Don't even think of it.
Just… get back here.
425
00:20:06,700 --> 00:20:08,100
I think she loves me.
426
00:20:08,135 --> 00:20:09,800
Never mind.
427
00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:24,100
That's me, in college.
428
00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:26,500
And… here, here.
429
00:20:27,500 --> 00:20:28,860
That's me in high school.
430
00:20:28,900 --> 00:20:30,200
I was wild.
431
00:20:30,235 --> 00:20:32,660
My parents thought I was
a problem, all right?
432
00:20:32,700 --> 00:20:34,200
I was plenty wild.
433
00:20:34,235 --> 00:20:36,095
My goodness.
Who is this person?
434
00:20:36,135 --> 00:20:39,105
So don't pity me.
I was once very much a kid.
435
00:20:39,135 --> 00:20:40,895
I-I never meant to
imply that you weren't.
436
00:20:40,935 --> 00:20:43,795
I was simply pitying the fact
that you no longer are.
437
00:20:43,835 --> 00:20:46,060
They—they say we were
happiest as children,
438
00:20:46,100 --> 00:20:48,500
and those most happy in adulthood
439
00:20:48,535 --> 00:20:51,460
are the ones who never
let die the child within.
440
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:54,760
There are plenty of proper lawyers
who dress up on Halloween…
441
00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:57,400
or who wear hula skirts in Hawaii.
442
00:20:57,500 --> 00:21:01,160
Denny and Alan are off somewhere
pretending to be cowboys…
443
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:04,698
but that sort of nonsense
doesn't work for Carl Sack.
444
00:21:04,700 --> 00:21:06,300
That's not him.
445
00:21:06,500 --> 00:21:10,500
Perhaps someone he used
to be, but not anymore.
446
00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:12,900
Most certainly not.
447
00:21:15,900 --> 00:21:17,895
Don't take it personally, Carl.
448
00:21:17,935 --> 00:21:20,300
Oh, how can I not, Shirley?
449
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:21,895
It wasn't a professional criticism.
450
00:21:21,935 --> 00:21:23,600
It was personal.
451
00:21:23,635 --> 00:21:26,095
Actually, I wouldn't mind a
professional critique once in a while,
452
00:21:26,135 --> 00:21:27,400
but…
453
00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:30,400
well, personally,
I consider myself..
454
00:21:30,500 --> 00:21:31,900
professional.
455
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:33,700
What—don't bite your lip.
456
00:21:33,735 --> 00:21:35,295
I don't like it
when you bite your lip.
457
00:21:35,335 --> 00:21:36,595
How about I bite yours?
458
00:21:36,635 --> 00:21:37,895
Oh, you're handling me now.
459
00:21:37,935 --> 00:21:39,400
–Yes, I am.
–Mm.
460
00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:41,400
–In the office.
–I know.
461
00:21:41,435 --> 00:21:42,395
I'm not a fuddy-duddy.
462
00:21:42,435 --> 00:21:44,500
Yes, you are,
a little one.
463
00:21:44,700 --> 00:21:47,095
It doesn't matter.
I like fuddy-duddies.
464
00:21:47,135 --> 00:21:49,200
And hey, should McCain get in,
465
00:21:49,235 --> 00:21:51,695
we'd actually have
a fuddy-duddy in chief.
466
00:21:51,735 --> 00:21:53,700
Oh. Elmer Fuddy-duddy.
467
00:21:55,500 --> 00:21:57,480
–Let's go to dinner.
–I can't.
468
00:21:57,500 --> 00:21:59,600
I have to work on my closing.
469
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:01,095
Lord knows what I'm gonna say.
470
00:22:01,135 --> 00:22:04,200
She practically blew up her doctor.
471
00:22:04,300 --> 00:22:05,595
You sound a little dismissive.
472
00:22:05,635 --> 00:22:09,600
Well, if you knew
this crazy Catherine Piper…
473
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:13,800
Did I ever tell you
how my mother died?
474
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:18,224
New blood thinner medication,
which, when combined with aspirin,
475
00:22:18,300 --> 00:22:21,200
caused her to bleed out
through an ulcer.
476
00:22:21,300 --> 00:22:24,095
Turns out her doctor,
who prescribed the medication,
477
00:22:24,135 --> 00:22:27,500
was a paid consultant
for the drug company.
478
00:22:27,700 --> 00:22:30,460
But you don't think doctors
are on the take, do you?
479
00:22:30,500 --> 00:22:33,560
I think they prescribe
drugs they think are safe.
480
00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:34,695
But, I mean, let's face it,
481
00:22:34,735 --> 00:22:38,695
with the rising malpractice premiums,
lower HMO reimbursements,
482
00:22:38,735 --> 00:22:41,595
many doctors can't even afford
to practice these days
483
00:22:41,635 --> 00:22:45,300
without pharmaceutical
consulting grants.
484
00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:47,700
And with those grants…
485
00:22:48,100 --> 00:22:51,500
comes a loss of objectivity.
486
00:22:52,100 --> 00:22:54,695
Did this doctor at least
tell this crazy Catherine Piper
487
00:22:54,735 --> 00:22:57,507
that he was on
the drug company's payroll?
488
00:22:57,600 --> 00:22:59,000
No.
489
00:22:59,900 --> 00:23:01,500
Hmm.
490
00:23:14,500 --> 00:23:15,900
Hello.
491
00:23:16,700 --> 00:23:19,500
Denny. Denny!
492
00:23:19,900 --> 00:23:20,900
Where are you?
493
00:23:20,935 --> 00:23:22,400
I'm trapped.
494
00:23:23,300 --> 00:23:24,595
You gotta come and help me.
495
00:23:24,635 --> 00:23:26,000
Trapped?
496
00:23:26,100 --> 00:23:27,995
Where? What's going on?
497
00:23:28,035 --> 00:23:30,000
In Hoberinn's tent.
498
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:31,900
I came to visit Irene.
499
00:23:31,935 --> 00:23:33,500
–What?
–Shh.
500
00:23:33,535 --> 00:23:36,700
I fell asleep after.
Now Irene's gone.
501
00:23:36,735 --> 00:23:39,500
And Ian's passed out
on top of me.
502
00:23:39,535 --> 00:23:41,000
I can't move.
503
00:23:41,035 --> 00:23:42,495
You've gotta be kidding me.
504
00:23:42,535 --> 00:23:45,800
Get over here
and help get me free
505
00:23:45,900 --> 00:23:47,300
before he wakes up.
506
00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:50,000
–Where's Irene?
–I don't know.
507
00:23:50,035 --> 00:23:53,700
Just get over here. Hurry.
508
00:23:57,800 --> 00:23:59,700
Which tent are you—
509
00:24:00,100 --> 00:24:01,500
Never mind.
510
00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:03,700
I think I know.
511
00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:07,600
Oh, my.
512
00:24:11,100 --> 00:24:13,200
See if you can get his leg off.
513
00:24:13,300 --> 00:24:13,995
Where's Irene?
514
00:24:14,035 --> 00:24:15,660
Would you forget about Irene?
515
00:24:15,700 --> 00:24:18,300
Mm. Mm.
516
00:24:24,600 --> 00:24:25,400
Hurry!
517
00:24:25,435 --> 00:24:27,200
Don't rush me.
518
00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:50,800
Get his arm.
519
00:24:51,500 --> 00:24:53,800
This won't be easy.
520
00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:05,300
Aah!
521
00:25:05,335 --> 00:25:11,300
–Aah!
–Aah!
522
00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:25,095
I still don't understand.
Where exactly was Irene?
523
00:25:25,135 --> 00:25:26,500
She went out to pee.
524
00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:28,660
Then Ian came in drunk, crashed.
525
00:25:28,700 --> 00:25:30,100
Let's get outta here.
526
00:25:30,135 --> 00:25:32,595
Maybe we can get back
in time for Halloween.
527
00:25:32,635 --> 00:25:34,400
We could go as cowboys.
528
00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:36,095
And where do you think you're goin'?
529
00:25:36,135 --> 00:25:38,500
We're gettin' the hell outta dodge.
530
00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:40,900
What's with the rifle?
531
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:43,800
You have to marry Irene,
532
00:25:43,900 --> 00:25:47,100
or the sheep or the captain
of the hockey team.
533
00:25:47,135 --> 00:25:48,495
You think you're funny.
534
00:25:48,535 --> 00:25:51,195
I paid a lot of money
for the trip of a lifetime.
535
00:25:51,235 --> 00:25:53,595
Well, you certainly got that,
didn't you, Ian?
536
00:25:53,635 --> 00:25:55,595
In addition to being
head of this dude ranch,
537
00:25:55,635 --> 00:25:58,000
I'm a volunteer constable sheriff.
538
00:25:58,100 --> 00:25:59,000
Good for you.
539
00:25:59,035 --> 00:26:00,795
I'm placing you under arrest.
540
00:26:00,835 --> 00:26:01,900
Arrest?
541
00:26:02,100 --> 00:26:02,700
For what?
542
00:26:02,735 --> 00:26:04,795
Adultery is a crime
in the state of Utah,
543
00:26:04,835 --> 00:26:07,460
as is fornication out of wedlock.
–Very funny.
544
00:26:07,500 --> 00:26:09,995
–You have the right to remain silent—
–You must be joking.
545
00:26:10,035 --> 00:26:11,895
And you're under arrest, too.
546
00:26:11,935 --> 00:26:12,900
Me? For what?
547
00:26:12,935 --> 00:26:14,695
Conspiracy to commit adultery,
548
00:26:14,735 --> 00:26:17,595
aiding and abetting
an adulterer and a fornicator.
549
00:26:17,635 --> 00:26:19,860
Now you have the experience
of a lifetime, don't you,
550
00:26:19,900 --> 00:26:22,600
Mr Boston, Mr Red Sox fan,
551
00:26:22,700 --> 00:26:25,495
Mr aider and abetter
from the evil Red Sox nation?
552
00:26:25,535 --> 00:26:27,119
All right. That does it.
553
00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:28,795
–Oh, for God's sake.
–Ian!
554
00:26:28,835 --> 00:26:29,695
–Denny.
–It's a—
555
00:26:29,735 --> 00:26:31,495
It's a tranq gun.
He'll sleep it off.
556
00:26:31,535 --> 00:26:34,600
Put down your weapon now, sir.
557
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:47,800
Whether the doctor
made a mistake or not,
558
00:26:48,100 --> 00:26:51,560
that doesn't give her the right
to set fire to his office.
559
00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:53,995
Oh, sure. They put up
a hired gun expert to claim
560
00:26:54,035 --> 00:26:56,060
that she was temporarily insane.
561
00:26:56,100 --> 00:26:57,500
“dissociative state,”
562
00:26:57,535 --> 00:26:59,460
couldn't distinguish
right from wrong,
563
00:26:59,500 --> 00:27:02,400
not capable of forming
mental intent—
564
00:27:02,435 --> 00:27:04,217
all the technical buzzwords
565
00:27:04,235 --> 00:27:06,600
to allow you to free
566
00:27:06,700 --> 00:27:08,900
a sweet old lady.
567
00:27:10,400 --> 00:27:12,600
But you all know what happened.
568
00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:14,400
She got mad…
569
00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:16,600
and got even.
570
00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:20,995
You know the death grip
the pharmaceutical industry
571
00:27:21,035 --> 00:27:22,295
has on this country.
572
00:27:22,335 --> 00:27:24,800
They've infiltrated the FDA.
573
00:27:24,900 --> 00:27:26,095
A study showed that
574
00:27:26,135 --> 00:27:29,500
90% of all FDA advisory meetings
575
00:27:29,535 --> 00:27:32,895
had at least one person
with ties to big pharmigeutical,
576
00:27:32,935 --> 00:27:34,900
and then there's Congress.
577
00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:40,000
Big pharma gave members of
Congress $70 million since 1990.
578
00:27:40,035 --> 00:27:43,095
So who does that leave us
with but our doctors?
579
00:27:43,135 --> 00:27:45,500
And even they're being bought.
580
00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:48,100
Between consulting fees and rebates,
581
00:27:48,135 --> 00:27:51,395
doctors get hundreds of millions
of dollars every year,
582
00:27:51,435 --> 00:27:53,295
and my God, look what's happening.
583
00:27:53,335 --> 00:27:56,400
Drugs are being prescribed like candy.
584
00:27:56,435 --> 00:27:58,900
A famed Harvard psychiatrist—
585
00:27:58,935 --> 00:28:03,300
he helped fuel the recent boom
in antipsychotics for kids—
586
00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:07,558
turns out he personally took
over $1.6 million from drug makers
587
00:28:08,700 --> 00:28:10,700
over the past seven years.
588
00:28:10,735 --> 00:28:11,300
Um,
589
00:28:11,335 --> 00:28:15,757
he also failed to report this income
to the university, by the way.
590
00:28:16,300 --> 00:28:17,700
How can this be?
591
00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:22,100
We have no regulations,
no disclosure procedures in place.
592
00:28:22,135 --> 00:28:23,700
Nothing to ensure
593
00:28:23,735 --> 00:28:26,100
that we the patients can know
594
00:28:26,135 --> 00:28:29,100
whether our doctor
is on the take.
595
00:28:29,800 --> 00:28:31,600
How can this be?
596
00:28:31,700 --> 00:28:34,010
Catherine Piper
had a heart attack.
597
00:28:34,035 --> 00:28:35,900
She almost died.
598
00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:38,195
An unsafe drug was rushed
to the market.
599
00:28:38,235 --> 00:28:41,100
It was prescribed
by her own physician,
600
00:28:41,200 --> 00:28:45,200
perhaps because he had
a financial incentive to do so.
601
00:28:45,800 --> 00:28:48,000
She nearly died.
602
00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:52,400
When you go back to
that room, I want you to…
603
00:28:52,700 --> 00:28:56,600
try to imagine what it's like
to suffer a heart attack,
604
00:28:56,635 --> 00:29:00,900
to be lying on your kitchen floor
605
00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:04,100
with no one around,
thinking…
606
00:29:04,300 --> 00:29:06,400
“this is it.”
607
00:29:07,400 --> 00:29:10,700
It may not even possible
to imagine that.
608
00:29:11,100 --> 00:29:12,600
But then…
609
00:29:12,700 --> 00:29:14,000
she found out
610
00:29:14,035 --> 00:29:18,000
that the person she
perhaps trusted the most
611
00:29:18,100 --> 00:29:20,200
did this to her.
612
00:29:20,900 --> 00:29:23,400
It made her crazy.
613
00:29:24,500 --> 00:29:26,600
Wouldn't it you?
614
00:29:47,500 --> 00:29:48,600
Jerry?
615
00:29:48,700 --> 00:29:50,300
Katie.
616
00:29:50,400 --> 00:29:53,200
You have a paper bag
over your head.
617
00:29:53,400 --> 00:29:54,800
I do.
618
00:29:55,200 --> 00:29:57,100
Could you tell me why?
619
00:29:57,800 --> 00:30:00,500
I was looking to crawl
under a big rock.
620
00:30:00,600 --> 00:30:02,095
There were none available.
621
00:30:02,135 --> 00:30:04,195
The reason you wanted to
crawl under a big rock?
622
00:30:04,235 --> 00:30:08,200
I passed three partners today
who called me Bo.
623
00:30:08,235 --> 00:30:11,000
A fourth referred to me
as the peepster.
624
00:30:11,035 --> 00:30:14,095
Evidently I was seen dressed
for Halloween prematurely.
625
00:30:14,135 --> 00:30:15,195
And this is tragic?
626
00:30:15,235 --> 00:30:17,700
It is if one wants
to make partner.
627
00:30:17,735 --> 00:30:19,600
And if those same partners
628
00:30:19,635 --> 00:30:22,560
were to catch a glance of you
with a paper bag on your head?
629
00:30:22,600 --> 00:30:23,695
The damage is done.
630
00:30:23,735 --> 00:30:25,260
Jerry, take the bag off.
631
00:30:25,300 --> 00:30:28,560
You'll likely breathe in your own
carbon dioxide. It's not healthy.
632
00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:30,000
Take it off.
633
00:30:30,300 --> 00:30:31,900
Oh.
634
00:30:34,600 --> 00:30:37,260
Do you know what happens to lawyers
who make partner, Jerry?
635
00:30:37,300 --> 00:30:39,600
They become locked in, lifers.
636
00:30:39,700 --> 00:30:41,460
I'm not sure that's
something you want.
637
00:30:41,500 --> 00:30:44,495
Plus, there's rumors concerning
the firm's financial health.
638
00:30:44,535 --> 00:30:46,395
We represent a lot of
mortgage lenders.
639
00:30:46,435 --> 00:30:49,195
Partners don't just get the fruits.
They get all the liabilities.
640
00:30:49,235 --> 00:30:54,300
It's just, for seven years,
I've chased this particular carrot.
641
00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:55,900
Didn't get it.
642
00:30:56,100 --> 00:30:58,100
Now I'm up again.
643
00:30:59,300 --> 00:31:02,195
If I blow it—
–This is that important?
644
00:31:02,235 --> 00:31:03,800
Yes.
645
00:31:04,700 --> 00:31:07,538
Well, if my opinion counts
for anything, I…
646
00:31:07,600 --> 00:31:10,570
I thought you made
a perfectly fab lady Peep.
647
00:31:25,400 --> 00:31:27,000
What's wrong?
648
00:31:27,900 --> 00:31:29,900
They were arrested.
649
00:31:32,300 --> 00:31:34,500
–Who?
–Denny and Alan.
650
00:31:34,600 --> 00:31:35,500
For what?
651
00:31:35,535 --> 00:31:38,400
Ah, it seems Denny
committed adultery,
652
00:31:38,435 --> 00:31:41,300
which evidently
can be prosecuted in…
653
00:31:41,500 --> 00:31:42,895
I don't know what Alan did.
654
00:31:42,935 --> 00:31:43,795
They're being arraigned
in the morning.
655
00:31:43,835 --> 00:31:47,069
Can't they go to a stupid dude
ranch without get—
656
00:31:48,200 --> 00:31:50,395
Boy, you just find everything
funny these days—
657
00:31:50,435 --> 00:31:52,595
I'm—I'm sorry. I don't know
what happened there.
658
00:31:52,635 --> 00:31:53,700
Yes, you do.
659
00:31:53,900 --> 00:31:55,800
Denny did something crazy.
660
00:31:56,100 --> 00:31:57,895
Last week, he bet on a case.
661
00:31:57,935 --> 00:32:00,995
The week before that, he had his
penis hooked up to a monitor.
662
00:32:01,035 --> 00:32:02,895
It was cock-a-doodle-doing
in a courtroom.
663
00:32:02,935 --> 00:32:05,707
I mean, it's just
one thing after another.
664
00:32:06,400 --> 00:32:09,095
Hey… and I'm not being
Elmer Fuddy, Shirley.
665
00:32:09,135 --> 00:32:11,000
The man is losing his mind.
666
00:32:11,100 --> 00:32:12,295
We all know it.
We laugh it off.
667
00:32:12,335 --> 00:32:15,600
We say, “isn't the mad cow cute?”
668
00:32:16,900 --> 00:32:19,474
At what point does it
stop being funny?
669
00:32:19,700 --> 00:32:23,700
At what point do we all
admit the man needs help?
670
00:32:32,000 --> 00:32:33,900
Case number 4-2-1-2.
671
00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:36,100
State of Utah vs Denny Crane,
672
00:32:36,200 --> 00:32:37,795
on the charge of adultery,
673
00:32:37,835 --> 00:32:39,795
conspiracy to commit—
–Alan Shore for the defendant,
674
00:32:39,835 --> 00:32:40,600
your honor.
675
00:32:40,635 --> 00:32:42,695
We waive reading,
and plead not guilty
676
00:32:42,735 --> 00:32:43,995
and ask for immediate extradition
677
00:32:44,035 --> 00:32:46,495
to the Commonwealth of Massachusetts
or any jurisdiction
678
00:32:46,535 --> 00:32:48,895
where the criminal justice code
isn't written in the good book.
679
00:32:48,935 --> 00:32:49,895
Hold on. Wait a sec.
680
00:32:49,935 --> 00:32:51,849
He's a defendant, too, judge.
681
00:32:51,900 --> 00:32:53,195
Yes, I am, your honor.
682
00:32:53,235 --> 00:32:55,595
Mr Crane would be
your adulterer and fornicator.
683
00:32:55,635 --> 00:32:57,095
I would be your aider and abetter.
684
00:32:57,135 --> 00:32:59,895
I'm not quite sure
how Irene escaped charges
685
00:32:59,935 --> 00:33:03,960
since adulterating and fornicating
is traditionally done in tandem.
686
00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:06,995
Mr Shore, defendants do not
speak in my courtroom.
687
00:33:07,035 --> 00:33:07,800
Ah.
688
00:33:08,000 --> 00:33:10,595
So that little right
to confront one's accuser?
689
00:33:10,635 --> 00:33:12,600
How's that done,
on the web?
690
00:33:12,700 --> 00:33:13,995
If you cannot afford counsel,
691
00:33:14,035 --> 00:33:15,195
one will—
–I can. I'm rich.
692
00:33:15,235 --> 00:33:17,095
Actually, Denny and I
flew here private.
693
00:33:17,135 --> 00:33:21,160
We can afford the best attorneys
and sometimes judges that money can buy.
694
00:33:21,200 --> 00:33:22,195
I'll represent myself,
695
00:33:22,235 --> 00:33:24,395
and let me just toss out
as an ice breaker,
696
00:33:24,435 --> 00:33:27,395
Utah is not the state that
wants to prosecute adultery.
697
00:33:27,435 --> 00:33:31,095
While it may technically be a crime,
so's polygamy, which you don't prosecute.
698
00:33:31,135 --> 00:33:34,060
I'm sure I'll get letters
for saying so, but you don't.
699
00:33:34,100 --> 00:33:36,595
I seem to be getting a lot of
gavel whacks. Is it just me?
700
00:33:36,635 --> 00:33:39,495
Your own attorney general,
uh, went on record as saying
701
00:33:39,535 --> 00:33:41,895
you lack the resources to
go after all the polygamists.
702
00:33:41,935 --> 00:33:43,695
Let's face it,
you've got a lot of them.
703
00:33:43,735 --> 00:33:45,495
Not a judgment.
Personally, I'm a fan.
704
00:33:45,535 --> 00:33:48,795
So's Denny. He's had six wives.
Is it six or seven?
705
00:33:48,835 --> 00:33:51,013
The former head
of N.O.W in Utah—
706
00:33:51,035 --> 00:33:54,595
I love that the national organization
of women actually has a chapter in Utah—
707
00:33:54,635 --> 00:33:57,300
anyway, she said the antipolygamy law
708
00:33:57,335 --> 00:34:00,095
has become as irrelevant as
the spitting-on-the-sidewalk ordinance.
709
00:34:00,135 --> 00:34:02,295
Now I know how we all
love to spit in Utah.
710
00:34:02,335 --> 00:34:05,795
You look like a lougie hacker
from way back. Send those letters.
711
00:34:05,835 --> 00:34:07,895
I even find polygamy funny,
just a little—
712
00:34:07,935 --> 00:34:10,795
these loser guys with
all these women, the hairdos.
713
00:34:10,835 --> 00:34:14,160
Unfortunately, in many cases,
there's child abuse involved.
714
00:34:14,200 --> 00:34:16,595
Whack away, but if you're
going to ignore child abusers
715
00:34:16,635 --> 00:34:18,995
and come after me for
aiding and abetting adultery,
716
00:34:19,035 --> 00:34:21,095
well, all I can say is,
take your shot.
717
00:34:21,135 --> 00:34:23,195
Please. I beg you.
Take your shot.
718
00:34:23,235 --> 00:34:26,733
Mr Shore, are you threatening
the good state of Utah?
719
00:34:26,735 --> 00:34:28,695
You're a quick study. I can
see why they made you judge.
720
00:34:28,735 --> 00:34:29,895
That's exactly what I'm doing.
721
00:34:29,935 --> 00:34:33,095
I'm ready to take on the state,
Mr Constable with the rifle there,
722
00:34:33,135 --> 00:34:35,595
and you, and everyone you're
married to, let the fun begin.
723
00:34:35,635 --> 00:34:37,700
Oh, it will be fun,
but first,
724
00:34:37,800 --> 00:34:40,195
I don't let people represent
themselves in my courtroom,
725
00:34:40,235 --> 00:34:42,095
so the first thing
we're going to do
726
00:34:42,135 --> 00:34:44,700
is get you an independent lawyer.
727
00:34:44,735 --> 00:34:48,300
Judge, I'll represent
the Hoot brothers.
728
00:34:48,335 --> 00:34:50,695
Oh, no. I'm not gonna
be defended by him
729
00:34:50,735 --> 00:34:53,395
or any other clown—
–I was there, judge.
730
00:34:53,435 --> 00:34:55,595
I could be a witness,
in fact— your call—
731
00:34:55,635 --> 00:34:57,595
but either way,
I could tell you a few things
732
00:34:57,635 --> 00:35:00,500
about Mr Shore and Mr Crane.
733
00:35:00,600 --> 00:35:02,200
Shall we go to chambers?
734
00:35:02,235 --> 00:35:03,795
–Let's go.
–Wait a second.
735
00:35:03,835 --> 00:35:05,095
If you're gonna have
an ex-parte meeting,
736
00:35:05,135 --> 00:35:06,595
we have a right to be present.
737
00:35:06,635 --> 00:35:09,195
Fine. But you keep
your mouth absolutely shut.
738
00:35:09,235 --> 00:35:11,200
One word, and you're out.
739
00:35:11,235 --> 00:35:12,495
What the hell are you doing?
740
00:35:12,535 --> 00:35:14,395
Just do as the judge says, Al.
741
00:35:14,435 --> 00:35:17,900
For once in your life,
let me do the talkin'.
742
00:35:21,100 --> 00:35:22,295
First of all, I don't know—
743
00:35:22,335 --> 00:35:23,860
First of all,
you don't talk.
744
00:35:23,900 --> 00:35:26,800
Not a peep,
or you go to jail.
745
00:35:27,000 --> 00:35:27,795
Let's hear it.
746
00:35:27,835 --> 00:35:29,495
Judge, I'm gonna be honest.
747
00:35:29,535 --> 00:35:31,800
I don't like this man.
748
00:35:31,900 --> 00:35:33,295
The old guy I kind of enjoy.
749
00:35:33,335 --> 00:35:35,595
He's just an old fart
who should be retired to stud.
750
00:35:35,635 --> 00:35:37,600
But him? I'll tell you what,
751
00:35:37,700 --> 00:35:39,614
I'm from Texas, and in Texas,
752
00:35:39,635 --> 00:35:42,095
if somebody messes with
a man's wife, you shoot him.
753
00:35:42,135 --> 00:35:44,195
Hell, he steps on
your property, you shoot him.
754
00:35:44,235 --> 00:35:45,295
Well, let me tell you something,
755
00:35:45,335 --> 00:35:48,400
this guy, he wants
to stand trial here.
756
00:35:48,435 --> 00:35:50,695
That's why he was
baiting you like that.
757
00:35:50,735 --> 00:35:53,895
He gets his jollies out of
playing David against Goliath,
758
00:35:53,935 --> 00:35:56,060
that's what he does.
But the thing is,
759
00:35:56,100 --> 00:35:59,100
he wields one hell of a slingshot.
760
00:35:59,300 --> 00:36:01,195
He took on the entire supreme court,
761
00:36:01,235 --> 00:36:04,495
insulted every one of 'em,
and he won his case to boot.
762
00:36:04,535 --> 00:36:07,595
This man can make some
serious noise in a courtroom,
763
00:36:07,635 --> 00:36:09,000
and let's face it,
764
00:36:09,100 --> 00:36:12,500
none of us wants to see
a big flap here, do we?
765
00:36:12,600 --> 00:36:15,000
Prosecuting for adultery?
766
00:36:15,100 --> 00:36:17,195
Nobody does that,
not even Texas.
767
00:36:17,235 --> 00:36:19,195
You certainly don't want
to be doing that here,
768
00:36:19,235 --> 00:36:21,800
not with the polygamy thing going on.
769
00:36:21,835 --> 00:36:25,595
Polygamy is illegal in Utah,
and not practiced by the majority—
770
00:36:25,635 --> 00:36:28,300
But it goes on, judge.
It goes on.
771
00:36:28,335 --> 00:36:31,400
And like he said,
often with underage girls.
772
00:36:31,435 --> 00:36:33,019
Now Utah's a fine state—
773
00:36:33,035 --> 00:36:36,195
fresh air, fine people,
orrin hatch— you got it all.
774
00:36:36,235 --> 00:36:38,800
But this polygamy thing…
775
00:36:38,900 --> 00:36:41,795
he's dying to get his day
in your court.
776
00:36:41,835 --> 00:36:43,495
Don't make his day, judge.
777
00:36:43,535 --> 00:36:45,295
Don't give this son of
a bitch what he wants.
778
00:36:45,335 --> 00:36:47,195
Boot his girlie ass outta here.
779
00:36:47,235 --> 00:36:48,100
Otherwise
780
00:36:48,135 --> 00:36:52,100
you'll be spoon-feeding him
the soapbox of a lifetime.
781
00:36:52,300 --> 00:36:55,200
Look at the way
he's drooling already.
782
00:36:55,300 --> 00:36:59,200
So's the old guy,
but that's the mad cow.
783
00:37:00,200 --> 00:37:01,895
I'm dismissing the charges.
784
00:37:01,935 --> 00:37:02,900
Too bad, Al.
785
00:37:02,935 --> 00:37:05,895
And I'm banning the both of you
from Utah for life.
786
00:37:05,935 --> 00:37:08,595
What? I got rezzies at Deer
Valley. I'm already booked.
787
00:37:08,635 --> 00:37:10,795
You'll be booked in here
if you don't shut your mouth!
788
00:37:10,835 --> 00:37:12,560
Get out of here, both of you!
789
00:37:12,600 --> 00:37:14,900
I never want to see you again.
790
00:37:26,200 --> 00:37:27,982
They weren't out very long.
791
00:37:28,000 --> 00:37:30,360
Do you think
they considered me sane?
792
00:37:30,400 --> 00:37:32,908
If only they could
know you like I do.
793
00:37:32,935 --> 00:37:36,200
I don't think I could
handle prison, Shirley.
794
00:37:36,235 --> 00:37:39,260
I hear the fights in the yard
can get pretty rough.
795
00:37:39,300 --> 00:37:41,082
Stiff upper lip, Catherine.
796
00:37:41,100 --> 00:37:43,400
Will the defendant please rise?
797
00:37:43,700 --> 00:37:45,000
Madam foreperson,
798
00:37:45,100 --> 00:37:47,595
has the jury reached
a unanimous verdict?
799
00:37:47,635 --> 00:37:49,200
We have, your honor.
800
00:37:49,235 --> 00:37:52,895
“In the matter of the Commonwealth
of Massachusetts vs Catherine Piper
801
00:37:52,935 --> 00:37:55,795
”on the charge of
attempted murder and arson,
802
00:37:55,835 --> 00:37:58,295
”we find the defendant
Catherine Piper
803
00:37:58,335 --> 00:38:01,700
not guilty by reason
of temporary insanity.”
804
00:38:01,735 --> 00:38:03,560
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
805
00:38:03,600 --> 00:38:06,095
thank you for your service.
You are dismissed.
806
00:38:06,135 --> 00:38:07,800
This court is adjourned.
807
00:38:07,900 --> 00:38:10,100
Thank God they bought it.
808
00:38:10,900 --> 00:38:14,500
Well, I guess prison's
gonna have to wait.
809
00:38:14,900 --> 00:38:17,000
Well, until your next crime.
810
00:38:17,300 --> 00:38:19,200
Oh, thank you, Shirley.
811
00:38:19,400 --> 00:38:22,400
You've been almost like
a big sister to me.
812
00:38:23,000 --> 00:38:25,000
I—I'm touched.
813
00:38:28,800 --> 00:38:31,700
Melvin Palmer—of
all people to get us off.
814
00:38:31,735 --> 00:38:34,095
I now have to feel
indebted to him.
815
00:38:34,135 --> 00:38:35,095
Can you imagine—
816
00:38:35,135 --> 00:38:36,795
–Ah, he's a good guy.
–Good guy?
817
00:38:36,835 --> 00:38:39,013
–I like him.
–How can you possib—
818
00:38:39,100 --> 00:38:40,600
Oh, my.
819
00:38:45,300 --> 00:38:46,400
Okay.
820
00:38:47,000 --> 00:38:48,000
Let's hear it.
821
00:38:48,100 --> 00:38:51,300
You are so sexy.
822
00:38:51,400 --> 00:38:53,500
–So are you.
–Thank you, Denny.
823
00:38:53,535 --> 00:38:55,700
–We're off to a party.
–Really?
824
00:38:55,800 --> 00:38:59,295
I thought maybe Carl was
taking you to his favorite club.
825
00:38:59,335 --> 00:39:01,095
–Very funny.
–I'm not kidding, Carl.
826
00:39:01,135 --> 00:39:04,595
After a few days on a dude ranch,
you actually look good to me.
827
00:39:04,635 --> 00:39:06,600
Don't you agree, Denny?
828
00:39:08,000 --> 00:39:09,200
Denny?
829
00:39:09,300 --> 00:39:10,900
–Aah!
–Denny!
830
00:39:10,935 --> 00:39:12,900
–Denny, hey!
–What the hell?
831
00:39:12,935 --> 00:39:14,295
–Denny!
–What is wrong with you?
832
00:39:14,335 --> 00:39:15,895
Good God! Are you all right?
833
00:39:15,935 --> 00:39:17,651
–I think he bit me.
–What⁈
834
00:39:17,700 --> 00:39:20,300
Will you ever change?
835
00:39:30,500 --> 00:39:32,200
I feel a little gypped.
836
00:39:32,300 --> 00:39:34,400
That whole trip was just…
837
00:39:34,500 --> 00:39:36,100
unsatisfying.
838
00:39:36,135 --> 00:39:37,600
How so?
839
00:39:37,800 --> 00:39:39,400
I don't know.
840
00:39:42,900 --> 00:39:44,495
Maybe it was the stark contrast
841
00:39:44,535 --> 00:39:48,095
between that magnificent scenery
and those awful ranching people.
842
00:39:48,135 --> 00:39:50,495
Well, at least you and I got
to spend some time together.
843
00:39:50,535 --> 00:39:54,500
Oh, please. You only
had eyes for barnyard animals.
844
00:39:55,300 --> 00:39:58,795
Denny, you think I was too rough on
Utah, playing the polygamy card?
845
00:39:58,835 --> 00:40:02,003
It was cheap, but hey,
they came after us first.
846
00:40:02,035 --> 00:40:05,467
We have to take another trip.
This one didn't count.
847
00:40:07,100 --> 00:40:08,695
They were wrong about our outfits.
848
00:40:08,735 --> 00:40:10,395
–We were hot.
–We're always hot.
849
00:40:10,435 --> 00:40:12,000
Irene…
850
00:40:12,200 --> 00:40:13,395
loved me.
Could you tell?
851
00:40:13,435 --> 00:40:14,600
Ian didn't.
852
00:40:14,700 --> 00:40:15,900
No.
853
00:40:17,500 --> 00:40:21,200
The best sex to be had
is with the Irenes of the world.
854
00:40:21,235 --> 00:40:21,995
Do you know that?
855
00:40:22,035 --> 00:40:24,081
–I didn't, actually.
–Oh, yeah.
856
00:40:24,400 --> 00:40:27,160
See, the thing is,
women who look like that
857
00:40:27,200 --> 00:40:29,495
make love like it's the last sex
they'll ever have
858
00:40:29,535 --> 00:40:31,600
'cause it very well could be.
859
00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:33,500
What?
860
00:40:33,535 --> 00:40:37,000
Nothing, just absorbing
your latest pearl.
861
00:40:41,100 --> 00:40:46,000
You know, you look at the Ians
and the Melvin Palmers…
862
00:40:46,100 --> 00:40:49,600
most men are so starved
for male friendship.
863
00:40:50,400 --> 00:40:51,595
We're blessed, Denny.
864
00:40:51,635 --> 00:40:52,560
Of course we are,
865
00:40:52,600 --> 00:40:55,795
and I'll bet we're the only ones
who shared the same sleeping bag.
866
00:40:55,835 --> 00:40:56,700
Yeah.
867
00:40:56,735 --> 00:40:59,600
Oh, I'm sorry about the erection.
868
00:41:00,300 --> 00:41:03,800
I'm over it.
869
00:41:06,100 --> 00:41:08,395
We really are the best couple I know.
870
00:41:08,435 --> 00:41:12,100
Mm-hmm. And we only get better.
871
00:41:12,200 --> 00:41:13,600
We do.
872
00:41:16,000 --> 00:41:17,600
We do.
873
00:41:18,100 --> 00:41:30,000
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873
00:41:31,305 --> 00:41:37,306
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