- Who is this guy? - Melvin Palmer.
State of Utah v. Denny Crane. - I'll represent the hoot brothers.
For once in your life, let me do the talking.
Denny. We were just...
- Do you love him? - I think I do.
This man makes partner, or I walk and take my name off the door with me.
- Edwin Poole. Name on the door. - Denny Crane. Mine too.
- Crane. - Poole and...
Schmidt.
Drop the bag and I'll let you live. Do it, bitch. Don't make me cap you.
Of all the places you could stick me, you may have already stuck me.
I'd probably be the last to know.
- Drop the bag. Turnip!
For God's sake, what the hell are you...?
- Shirley? - Edwin?
Put that down. What is wrong with you? I am sorry, Shirley.
Of all the people to mug. I'll deal with him.
This woman is a dear friend of mine, not to mention a partner.
Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.
Heh, heh.
Edwin, who is this adorable child?
He's my foster... Give me that. He's my foster son.
I am so sorry. God, what is wrong with you?
You adopted a son?
It was either that or I take up fly-fishing. Shame, Turnip, shame.
Look how full your cart is.
- No wonder your bottom is so... - Turnip.
- Full and plump. - He gets cuter by the second.
Isn't that the truth? That's enough, now. Turnip Graves, Shirley Schmidt.
Very nice to meet you, ma'am.
- A true pleasure, sir. Well, it's nice to see you again.
You look great, and, uh, I'll deal with him. Come here, you.
You do not embarrass me like that.
How was I to know you know the lady?
You know you're not supposed to stick people in the buttocks with a knife.
- What do you mean, you've got plans? - You were going out of town.
- I said I might go out of town. - Didn't invite me.
That's because I never made official plans.
Who are you spending Thanksgiving with?
- A friend. You wouldn't like him. - Who?
- It's personal. - Personal?
- Well, you could come too. I'll ask him. - Who?
Technically, it would be...
...Melvin Palmer.
- You must be joking. - He's a good guy.
You're spending Thanksgiving with Melvin Palmer?
- He's a hoot. - No, you're putting me on.
Well, I had no place else to go, and he called and...
When did you become friends with that bobo?
- When he saved our asses. - He did not save our asses.
He saved our asses in Utah.
- Are you being serious? - He's a decent guy.
No, he is not. He's nothing of the sort.
- Look... - And you're not having dinner with him.
We'll find somewhere else to go.
But you will not, will not, be spending Thanksgiving with that vile...
- I like him. - I don't care. No, forget it. No.
No.
Nope.
- Mugged? - You should've seen the size of knife.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
- I just can't believe it happened. - You have to tell the police.
- I don't wanna do that. - It was an attempted armed robbery.
- Well, he's 9 years old, Carl. - Oh, my God.
The homecoming is complete. Carl Sack, how are you, my friend?
I never liked you, but I can be courteous. Shirl, hi, doll.
Sorry I'm late. I hit some traffic, not to mention a few pedestrians.
Just mowed them... I see I've lost you.
Shirley, I don't know what to say other than I'm so sorry.
Edwin, how long have you had that boy?
Six months. I've enrolled him in finishing school.
What the hell is this?
- Sued me already? - Did you read it?
Why would I? It's marked "privileged and confidential. "
Edwin, it was hand-delivered to you because you were meant to read it.
Oh, well, that's different.
- What does it say? - It says the firm is going broke.
Funny. Heh, heh, heh.
Love her, she's just... The firm is going broke?
But that was two days ago. Things have changed.
- Oh, how? - We are broke.
- When you say broke... - Crane, Poole & Schmidt is bankrupt.
We have no money, nada, zilch. We're busted.
I'll call Congress, they'll bail us out. I know Hank Paulson. Nutty guy...
- Hey, that's mine. - It's over, Edwin.
We're done.
I don't know what else to tell you, Edwin, other than...
- Tell me how it happened. - We had investments in the market.
We had massive receivables from banking industries.
We had to take write-offs.
You just beat the tobacco companies for millions of dollars.
Do you think we'll ever see a penny from that?
After all the appeals, that victory's going to end up costing us.
Edwin...
...we may have to shut our doors.
- Do people know? - Only a certain few at this point.
So we're really done, then? Canceled?
Carl may have overstated that.
There are some possibilities. I still have hope.
I really thought I'd make it back.
I was getting better, and...
Listen, I bought a turkey.
I'd love to have you for Thanksgiving, maybe talk about old times and...
Edwin, thank you. Um...
I have plans. I'm hosting a little thing at my house.
So I'll come to your house, then?
- Edwin Poole? - He kind of invited himself. L...
We were supposed to have a quiet dinner.
- I know, I'm sorry, but... - And his little felon?
Well, he could be joining.
- Oh, Shirley. - I know, I wanted a quiet evening too.
But somehow, he had no place to go. What was I going to say?
"No" comes to mind. How about "no"?
- Carl. - A nice, quiet Thanksgiving dinner.
- Just us, that's how you billed it. - And how I wanted it.
Shirley, I've got the research on the McLean...
- I thought you'd gone to London. - I was planning to.
The airline screwed up with the tickets. Long story.
- So suffice it to say, I'll be staying put. - Well, that's too bad.
I'm having a few people over. Why don't you come to my house?
- Oh, I wouldn't wanna put you out. - It wouldn't be any trouble.
Oh, well, sure. I'd quite love that.
- Great. One o'clock, then. - Splendid.
Oh, would it be possible for me to bring Jerry?
I sort of... When I thought that I didn't have plans...
- Jerry would be more than welcome. - Thank you. I'll go tell him.
Sorry.
Spending a day alone with me. You just can't bear it, can you?
Oh, you know that's not true.
Can't we just look at this as a gathering of a big dysfunctional family?
Can we do that?
- What about us? - We can be dysfunctional.
Here.
Thank you.
- You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
I just tend to get a little stressed when I host parties.
- Do you not remember? - It's just a dinner.
It is a Thanksgiving dinner, and let's face it...
...with this particular group, the possibilities for catastrophe...
- Oh! Hey, what...?
- We're off to a good start. Come on. - Yeah.
- Surprise. Hey. Turnip beat you to it.
What were you doing in my window?
Is this how it's gonna be? Dump on Turnip Day?
Turnip, hi, I'm Mr. Sack. I've heard a lot about you.
- Hands on the wall. - Oh, come on.
Don't worry, I do this to everybody.
Try not to enjoy yourself, pops.
- Come on. Hello, welcome, hello.
- Hey! - Oh!
- Poole. Hi, can I take that?
Oh, thank you, Carl.
What a beautiful home. Thank you very much.
- Is it all paid for? - Turnip.
- Not a bad question, considering... - Edwin. Here, give me your coat.
Here, let me take those. Hey.
- Are we late? - No, you're just on time.
- Happy Thanksgiving. - Thank you so much, Alan.
- Edwin, when did they let you out? Didn't.
- Uh, well, shall we go to the table? - Already?
What happened to small talk and picking at the turkey?
- Be quiet. - I don't think I can get through this.
You will get through this.
- What if I'm not smoking...? You know what? Just...
Time-out.
Uh, heh.
The food's hot, and, um, the table's set...
Thank God for GPS. That's the first thing I'm gonna be thankful for.
- How you doing, Jerry? - You invited him?
Wow, looks like you've eaten already.
You must be Shirley Schmidt. I Googled you good, that's what I did.
You need to update your headshot.
- Who's the little guy? Edwin Poole.
- Melvin Palmer. How we doing? - Don't touch me.
I didn't get my hug yet, that's what I didn't get.
I'll start with you, Al, you big hoot. Come here. Oh.
Man, this is like Old Home Week, that's what this is like.
Get in here, Denny.
- Ow, ow, ow. - Oh, thanks, Denny.
All right, now, look, it's probably a good thing...
...whoever that person is.
- Why is it a good thing? - A, seems like a bit of an icebreaker.
Icebreaker? The man could've saved the Titanic.
Who the hell is that guy?
You like a little noise and chaos. Seems he'll be able to contribute to that.
- This is gonna be such a disaster. - It's not going to be a disaster.
I'm gonna go out there. I'll get everybody to the table.
You take a second to collect yourself, then you come in, okay?
It's gonna be great. It's gonna be a splendid day, okay?
Look at the size of that thing. Yes.
- Lovely. Oh, my.
Basted turkey. What a marvelous bird.
- Uh, okay... - Good idea, let's drink.
Uh, Denny. I just wanted to say how nice it is to have all of you here.
- The food looks positively delicious. I don't know where to start.
You can start with a moment of silence, Melvin, or maybe an hour.
- Double hoot, that's what you are. Perhaps we should pray.
- Maybe for peace. - Or start with grace.
- Any volunteers, or shall I...? - Yeah, I'll say grace.
Okay.
- Dear God... - No, no, no.
Grace was a bad idea. - Skip grace.
- You don't even believe in God. - I do too.
- Christian God? - Does it matter?
- Not gonna let you pray to a Muslim god. - Why's he either Christian or Muslim?
He could be Texan, that's what.
If he chooses good over evil, he's Christian.
- Why couldn't he be Jewish? Are you nuts?
He wants to make God a Jew. - Hey, hey, hey.
You can't pray to a Jewish god, a Muslim god.
- Hindu maybe. They love sheep. Jew hater.
- What? - Edwin. Edwin. Enough, enough.
Let's skip grace and let's eat.
And if it's not too much trouble...
...I'd like to have a nice Thanksgiving with no fights.
Can we do that, please?
- I'm positively famished. Here.
Me too. - Thank you.
Here we go. Roll?
Thank you.
So, Turnip, tell me, what do black kids like to eat?
Denny. - For God's sake, Denny.
- "What do black kids eat?" I wanna know.
Well, Koreans like Korean food, Greeks like Greek food.
That's racist? - Yes, racist. This is a holiday.
Let's not extend the systemic racism of the firm to the dining-room table.
What systemic racism of the firm?
- Come on, Shirley. - No, I'd like to hear this.
Well, look around the table or the office. See any black attorneys?
- It doesn't mean we're racist. - Right.
Did you ever think that maybe black attorneys don't wanna work with us?
- Maybe they wanna be with their own? - Denny, don't help me, please.
- Could you pass the...? - No.
We just had a black man elected president, and you still think...
- Oh, please. - What "Oh, please"?
- Never mind. No, say it.
- I wanna hear this, Alan. - I don't.
- Neither do I. I do.
Say it, Alan. I wanna hear what you have to say.
What, you think we've turned the corner?
Of a hundred senators, one is black. One, and that's Barack Obama.
Come January, there'll be none. Of 50 governors, two are black.
One is in New York by default because Eliot Spitzer got caught with his hooker.
This country hardly seems willing to elect black leaders on a regular basis.
But the people of this firm are. They voted for Obama.
How do you know what went on in the privacy of those voting booths?
- Get out of this house. - I haven't even eaten yet.
I don't care.
- You will not say things like that. - What did I say?
Maybe since Obama was just elected, we could celebrate the progress blacks...
Celebrate?
In America, black people are incarcerated at six times the rate of white people.
- Turnip seems to be well on his way. - Hey!
Blacks have double the unemployment rate of whites...
...and have for over 40 years.
Whether it's that or the government's response to AIDS among blacks...
...or racial profiling, the black community continues to get screwed.
Let's not even discuss funding for schools in black neighborhoods...
...or our Supreme Court eviscerating Brown v. Board of Education.
We've got that Republican congressman, Lynn Westmoreland from Georgia...
...who referred to Obama as uppity.
Not once, twice. Uppity.
Even Obama's own running mate during the primary, Biden...
...praised Obama as clean and articulate. What was that?
We can give thanks for a lot of things here today...
...but the defeat of racism in America is not one of them.
Especially at liberal white-collar law firms like Crane, Poole & Schmidt.
Look around the table.
Bet you don't get invited to a lot of dinner parties.
I just wanted to have a nice Thanksgiving dinner...
...but you couldn't let that happen, could you?
- You just had to screw it up. Wait, wait, wait.
Come on, let's change the subject.
Can somebody think of something more pleasant to talk about?
I was thinking of taking a dump.
- Where's the nearest bathroom? - Through there.
Don't take anything else.
I love the holidays, that's what I love.
You know, if I could just say...
- Oh. Can we just...? - Come on, please.
That I'm sorry.
I realize I got worked up, and I do apologize.
I certainly didn't mean to ruin anyone's dinner.
You didn't ruin mine, good buddy.
Oh, goody.
Edwin, tell us, what's new with you?
Well, economic Armageddon, for one thing.
- The firm is... - Edwin, that's our secret.
- What secret? - Nothing.
Sounds good. Didn't that sound good?
- Let it drop. I love secrets.
We used to play this little game, I'll Show You Mine, You Show Me Yours.
Old and fat people excluded, of course. Denny, you'd be on the bubble there.
- Do you try to be offensive? - That was aggressive.
- What is that? - Edwin...
He's a popper, that's what he is. Get him to purr.
Keep acting like a turkey...
...you're gonna get stuffed and carved, hot stuff.
Thank you all very much.
- What did we do? - Just trying to make conversation.
By the way, where's the black kid? He can't still be crapping.
You're gonna have to stop that. It's annoying.
- Leave him alone, please. - Stop it.
One day, we'll look back and laugh.
- How about we just make the best of it? - With that group?
I'm so sorry I invited them.
It was such a bad idea. What was I thinking?
What were you thinking?
I mean, you had to know at some level this is exactly how it would go.
You just roll with everything, don't you?
Yeah, I was hoping to roll with you until you invited all the children.
What the hell is this?
- Denny. - Shirley and Carl are kissing.
- Could you gi...? - How could you?
- How could I what? Kissing him.
- You're cheating. - Cheating?
We missed it? Aw. Kiss again.
- Get out. - He got to see.
Am I the only one who hasn't sucked face with her?
How about Jerry? Have you gotten down with the mascot?
Jerry. - I'm not a mascot!
Jerry, what is wrong with you?
Calm down. Big freak.
Look, could you all please just go home?
You know what? No, damn it. This nonsense is gonna stop right now.
Back to the table. Go.
We're all going back to the table right now.
We are gonna sit down...
...and we are going to be nice to each other...
...and we're going to give thanks.
That was not acceptable at all, Jerry.
- Did you hear what he said? - It was offensive.
But that doesn't mean you resort to violence.
The incident in the café was bad enough.
Jerry, you're a partner in a law firm. You're an adult.
Oh, shut up.
I'm sorry.
What's going on with you?
I just thought it would all go away when...
You thought what would go away?
The ridicule. When I made partner, I thought...
And I thought I would feel...
...once I was accepted by others, the esteem.
But it's no better. I feel no differently about myself.
That word that he used, what he called me.
- Mascot. - That's what I am.
- That's not true. - Katie treats me like a Chia Pet.
- She all but pats me on the head when... How dare you say such a thing?
- This is a private... - No, that was an indictment of me...
...my friendship with you, which I assumed to be extraordinarily meaningful.
And I'm offended by it. You may seek to trivialize yourself.
I will not allow you to belittle me and my feelings in the process.
Katie, if I get one more maternal lecture from you, I'm gonna throw up twice.
Not once, but twice.
It would take two full heavings to get all the puke out.
You can go to hell, Jerry.
It's one thing to do it, but to rub my nose in it.
- We were not rubbing your nose in it. - Yes, you were.
Was that the big plan?
Get everybody here under the pretext of my birthday and humiliate me?
- Because if that was the goal... - Denny, we're here for Thanksgiving...
...not your birthday.
You know what I mean, gathering people up and...
- Pops and the old lady are doing it? - Shh.
Denny, you and I are not a couple.
We have not been a couple for over 25 years.
And you and Carl are? Are you back together?
Yes.
Excuse me a second.
Denny, did you really think it was your birthday?
What difference is it?
Denny, look at me.
Did you think we were assembled here to celebrate your birthday...
...which is in January?
Oh, my God.
I get a little, uh, confused...
...when I get agitated.
- Does this happen often? - No.
But it's happened.
And it's usually when you get upset?
Okay, so, what, you'll go in for another test.
I don't want another test.
There's nothing they can tell me that I don't know.
There's no cure.
Okay, look, here's what I know. I've known you six years.
And during that time, there's been very little progression, if any.
You're 75 now.
The doctor said you probably won't live long enough for the Alz...
Mad cow to get you.
- It's already getting me. - No, it isn't, Denny.
- People get confused sometimes. - I'm slipping, Alan.
You know it.
I know it.
I'm sorry.
I never meant to trivialize either our relationship or feelings.
Well, you did just that.
How about you let me finish a sentence? Is that too much work for you or...?
I really can't be that objective...
...about either our friendship or your feelings...
- Why? - Because I love you, all right?
Have I been too subtle? Gotta rent a billboard?
Get a lousy plane to fly overhead pulling...?
I love you.
I realize that imposes no obligation on your part to love me back.
And as consolation prizes go...
...I can think of nothing more extraordinary...
...than your friendship.
You need to know...
...that you are the most incredible...
...generous, charitable, beautiful woman I have ever met.
And I'm in love with you.
- Yeah, nice. Okay, attention, please.
We're gonna make one last, ill-fated attempt at having dinner.
Your presence is requested in the dining room.
- These people like to play with fire. - Tell me about it.
- I ain't going back in there. - Smart kid.
I have a question, Edwin.
I can't help but think, you're a bit of a mental, right?
I am. Carrots, please.
Why would Social Services ever put a child in your care?
What's wrong with me other than being unbalanced?
This country regulates everything. Except the rich, who we let run amuck.
But everything else. Parenting.
- That's the hardest job anywhere. - What's your point?
How can we pass out children to nutjobs?
Especially black children...
...who typically are at risk and need the best parenting.
- What? - Do you know, Denny...
...that the fastest-growing segment of homeless is children?
- What's that gotta do...? - Kids need homes.
You know, I'm not sure I like where this is heading.
- Maybe we could change the subject. - We're out of subjects.
- We could talk about bankruptcy. - Oh, damn it.
There's nothing wrong with bankruptcy. It's the in thing to be.
Oh, good, make fun of poverty.
How about those schmucks losing their homes?
I'm not making fun of those schmucks.
- It's schmucks in suits... - Do we have to fight?
Can we just eat and make small talk and pretend we like each other?
- Hell, we do like each other... - Will you shut up?
That was aggressive.
Sorry.
I just...
It was my fault, I should never...
The truth is, Carl, I...
I'm sorry.
I guess I wanted a big noisy dinner...
...because sometimes...
...when the din is loud, I can hear him.
Hear who?
My father.
This is my first Thanksgiving without him ever.
And I apologize...
...but it's hard to face the quiet, and I...
I guess I can find comfort in tumult.
Shirley.
- Once again, thank you all... - She said she liked the tumult.
And why are you making it all about you?
This was supposed to be a dinner between Shirley and me.
That would've been dull. I wonder what you might have talked about.
Probably about how the firm is going broke.
The firm is going broke?
Did I know this and forget?
- Did I? - No, Denny, you didn't know.
Well, what's happened?
He's making it all about him again.
- Alan, will you shut up? - No, Carl, it affects us too.
What's going on?
The firm is broke.
We're exploring a number of ways to get an influx of capital.
- We believe... - How could this happen?
- We got hammered, just like everybody... My name is on the door.
- Why wasn't I told, damn it? - They knew you'd be upset.
Next you'd be telling everybody it was your birthday.
Gun!
Aah! I've been hit.
- Denny, for God's sake. - That's all I hear.
"Denny, for God's sake. "
"Denny for God's sake. " Why doesn't anybody tell me the truth?
- I am telling the truth. - Half-truth.
I'm losing blood. - It was just a paintball, dawg.
- I'm telling you exactly... - What about you and Shirley?
- What about it? - How serious are you? I wanna know.
Actually, we sort of all do.
Okay.
Oh.
Now you know before even Shirley.
My plan, after our intimate little dinner together alone, without any of you...
...was to ask her to marry me.
Can you believe it?
As partner, I'm on the hook for the firm's debts.
I could be losing money.
Jerry, I'm not quite sure how to respond to your little revelation.
You don't need to. It's my problem, not yours.
It's my problem if it affects our friendship.
I remain committed to the friendship. I won't let...
Easier said than done.
Perhaps we should seek out some sort of couples therapy.
- We're not a couple, remember? - Yes, we are.
Perhaps not one romantically linked, but one just the same.
Quite an extraordinary couple.
With a fairly complicated problem.
I think you should still ask her.
- The moment has slightly passed. - No, it hasn't.
If it's meant to be, Carl, it's the perfect moment.
You obviously love her.
You must feel confident that Shirley loves you.
Don't let all of us and our foolishness get in your way.
I'm a little discouraged about what it means...
...for my own conjugal prospects with her, but...
Clearly she needs cheering up, Carl.
Her father is dead, and the ice cream is melted.
It was wrong of me to pull this ring out in front of Denny.
What ring?
Just kidding.
Ask her to marry you, Carl.
- I want her to be happy, really. We all do.
Shirley deserves a good man. You're a good man.
I know that, even if I don't much like you.
- Why is everybody in here? - Could everybody clear out?
- I'd like a little privacy. - What's wrong with having it with us?
What's going on? Why is everybody in here?
- Carl has news. - No, he doesn't.
What news?
This is not how I planned it.
Planned what? Will somebody tell me what is going on?
Shirley, I...
- No, we'll discuss it later. - No, we'll discuss it right now.
Where I come from, we grab the bull by the horns.
Here, I'll do it. I'll do it.
Shirley...
...will you marry...? - Carl?
He loves you.
He wants to spend the rest of his life with you.
- Carl, is this for real? - Yeah, except the execution.
- I didn't mean Denny to do my bidding. - I'm Cyrano de "Bushwhack. "
Shirley, I have never loved a woman like I...
As of this morning, our relationship was a secret.
Secret's out, toots. Just...
Denny?
Please, Shirley.
Will you marry me?
I'll give you away.
Heh.
I have had six marriage proposals...
...but this is by far the most bizarre.
- We're a bizarre group. Yeah.
Do me the honor of spending the rest of your life with me.
I would love to marry you, Carl.
Aw.
- Really? - Yeah.
- May I kiss...? - Denny, I would like to kiss Carl, so...
Um...
Is the day rescued?
Consider it saved.
All right, contrary to vicious rumors, the ice cream is not all melted.
- Jerry, one scoop or two? - Just one, thank you.
There you are.
- Katie, this is your slice. - Thank you.
I am a two-scoop kind of guy, if you don't mind.
I always thought you were a scoop short.
- Say it for me, Jerry. - Hoot.
Everybody have a slice now?
- Yes. - Thank you.
All right.
- May I just say...? - No.
Well, I'm gonna say it just the same.
I grew up in a very estranged, unhappy house.
Most Thanksgivings my mother spent serving dinner at other people's homes...
...and my father would spend it...
I spent many a Thanksgiving in my room...
...imagining what big family dinners were like, and...
Alan, is this gonna be like a closing?
And as I imagined it...
...it was almost exactly like this.
A whole bunch of people actually talking...
...right there in each other's faces...
...laughing one second and angry the next, and...
Race, politics...
...God, marriage, love, death.
What fun.
Thank you for having us, Shirley.
This is some family.
- Pie. - Thank God for pie.
Thank God for pie.
Everybody put something in their mouth so we can't talk anymore.
I'm in.
This is a perfect piece.
Relax, we've got more ice cream.
Denny, are you really okay with them getting married?
I don't know, Alan.
I will be.
I harbored this fantasy that we'd...
Imagine my loss. Could be the love I never knew.
I'll tell it to you.
Unless I forget.
How often have you been getting confused like that?
Well, not, uh, too.
God, if I go the way Shirley's father did...
You won't.
- How do you know that? - Because I'll shoot you.
- You wouldn't actually...? - I've already bought the gun.
You promise?
Denny, you have defied the odds your entire life.
You'll continue to defy the odds. Probably gonna outlive us all.
We'll all be dead and buried, and you'll still be out there...
...doing Priceline commercials.
All the topics we covered today...
...we left out the afterlife.
Think there is one?
Huh. I don't know.
Think we'll be together somewhere else?
On a bigger balcony, together again?
I do.
Will we be naked?
- Well... - I ask because I wonder...
...are there clothes in heaven?
And are we as we were when we were young...
...or are we as we were when we died?
- Is that important? - Well, it is to me.
I don't wanna go through the rest of eternity with the, uh, mad cow.
I think you are in heaven as you were in the best of times here on Earth.
- Like right now? - Like right now.
Thanks.