1 00:00:02,669 --> 00:00:05,172 Hey. Did you guys see the dude I brought in today? 2 00:00:05,255 --> 00:00:07,508 The drug dealer? 81-years-old. 3 00:00:08,050 --> 00:00:10,177 I think it's the oldest collar of my entire career. 4 00:00:10,260 --> 00:00:13,430 I once arrested a 96-year-old for flashing. 5 00:00:13,514 --> 00:00:16,767 I was terrified he'd die in my back seat. Or flash me. 6 00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:18,977 My oldest collar was 78. 7 00:00:19,061 --> 00:00:21,271 But the pcp made her fight like she was 20. 8 00:00:21,396 --> 00:00:22,731 What about two 50-year-old twins? 9 00:00:22,814 --> 00:00:24,125 Does that count as a 100-year-old? 10 00:00:24,149 --> 00:00:25,234 Santiago: No good. No. 11 00:00:25,317 --> 00:00:28,070 You talking oldest bags? 68. 12 00:00:28,195 --> 00:00:30,280 That's not that old. Yeah, but I was only 20. 13 00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:31,782 Twenty? Were you even a cop then? 14 00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:34,409 No, man. Itwas before I got into the academy. 15 00:00:36,078 --> 00:00:38,455 Charles isn't talking about his oldest arrest. 16 00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:40,374 All: Ewl 17 00:00:40,457 --> 00:00:41,583 no. Yes, I am. Yes, I am. 18 00:00:41,667 --> 00:00:43,210 Yeah, oldest arrest. 68. Like I said. 19 00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:46,588 God, you had sex with a 68-year-old when you were in your 20s? 20 00:00:46,672 --> 00:00:47,673 You know how it is 21 00:00:47,756 --> 00:00:49,841 when you have a chance to bed an older woman, you... 22 00:00:49,925 --> 00:00:51,677 No. That is not an older woman. 23 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,388 That's an old woman. That's someone's grandma. 24 00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:56,074 She was, actually. That's how I met her. 25 00:00:56,098 --> 00:00:58,392 Ugh. I went to college with her grandson, Marvin. 26 00:00:58,475 --> 00:01:02,354 Don't knock it until you try it. She had a replacement hip with some serious torque. 27 00:01:02,437 --> 00:01:04,439 It was like having sex with a transformer. 28 00:01:04,523 --> 00:01:06,066 That is no one's fantasy. 29 00:01:06,775 --> 00:01:08,819 (Theme music playing) 30 00:01:27,629 --> 00:01:28,672 Jeffords: Peralta, 31 00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:30,507 where are we on the Lincoln place murder? 32 00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:32,884 Well, like I told captain holt earlier this week, 33 00:01:32,968 --> 00:01:34,344 we are at the one-yard line. 34 00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:35,637 It's a football reference. 35 00:01:35,721 --> 00:01:36,722 Yes, Jake. 36 00:01:36,805 --> 00:01:38,348 I played linebacker at Syracuse. 37 00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:41,143 Really? In high school, I played center-field. 38 00:01:41,226 --> 00:01:42,394 In the musical damn Yankees. 39 00:01:42,477 --> 00:01:43,871 Yeah, you don't want to brag about that. 40 00:01:43,895 --> 00:01:45,981 Peralta, you want to loop everyone in? 41 00:01:46,064 --> 00:01:48,233 Eh. That was not a request. 42 00:01:48,650 --> 00:01:50,277 Fine. (Grunts) 43 00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:52,946 Get ready for some stuff on a screen. 44 00:01:53,030 --> 00:01:55,157 Meet Fred gorman. 45 00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:58,410 Prominent citizen, lawyer, corpse. 46 00:01:58,910 --> 00:02:01,163 Now, meet his wife, Ann hoert. 47 00:02:01,413 --> 00:02:04,958 She did not take his last name, but I believe she did take his life. 48 00:02:05,083 --> 00:02:06,501 Nme. Thank you, chades 49 00:02:06,585 --> 00:02:09,379 now, hoert had means, motives, and opportunity. 50 00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:10,964 I just need to find the murder weapon. 51 00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:13,318 For some reason, the da won't move forward with the arrest 52 00:02:13,342 --> 00:02:14,622 until we find the knife she used. 53 00:02:14,718 --> 00:02:16,762 Is that reason that they want to win the case? 54 00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:18,055 Yes. 55 00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:19,264 Well, find it. 56 00:02:19,348 --> 00:02:20,533 The family's close to the mayor, 57 00:02:20,557 --> 00:02:22,392 and I'm catching heat from the higher-ups. 58 00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:23,556 I'm going to ask you again. 59 00:02:23,602 --> 00:02:25,937 Do you need any resources or personnel? 60 00:02:26,355 --> 00:02:27,689 No, sir. I've got it. 61 00:02:27,773 --> 00:02:29,941 Okay. Dismissed. 62 00:02:30,317 --> 00:02:32,110 Sergeant jeffords, my office. 63 00:02:32,194 --> 00:02:34,738 Uh-oh. He probably wants to talk to you about how your 64 00:02:34,821 --> 00:02:36,782 shirts aren't tight enough probably. 65 00:02:39,534 --> 00:02:41,094 Okay, how can we help? What do you need? 66 00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,329 I need nothing. 67 00:02:42,412 --> 00:02:44,414 I'm about to solve this case, meet the mayor, 68 00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:46,792 and sell my life rights to Channing Tatum, 69 00:02:46,875 --> 00:02:49,503 so he can play my less attractive brother in the ensuing film. 70 00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:50,837 Come on, peralta. 71 00:02:50,921 --> 00:02:53,382 Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved. 72 00:02:53,465 --> 00:02:56,301 I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. 73 00:02:57,052 --> 00:02:58,970 Except when it comes to sex. 74 00:02:59,054 --> 00:03:01,139 Actually, sometimes including sex. 75 00:03:01,264 --> 00:03:02,641 Will you just let us help? 76 00:03:02,724 --> 00:03:03,725 Okay, fine. 77 00:03:03,809 --> 00:03:05,602 I will let one of you help me. 78 00:03:06,103 --> 00:03:07,813 Chades. Yeah! 79 00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:11,061 And I am choosing Charles, because he's the least likely to steal my thunder. 80 00:03:11,233 --> 00:03:12,818 I would never steal his thunder. 81 00:03:12,901 --> 00:03:15,153 I'd be afraid to borrow it. (Chuckles) 82 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:19,866 Terry. I'd like you to accompany me to a gun range. 83 00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:23,578 You mean drive you there and wait outside? Far away from the guns? 84 00:03:23,995 --> 00:03:25,997 I spent eight years in the public affairs office, 85 00:03:26,081 --> 00:03:28,208 so my tactical skills are a little rusty. 86 00:03:28,291 --> 00:03:29,334 I need some pointers. 87 00:03:29,418 --> 00:03:31,753 Sir, I haven't fired a weapon since the incident. 88 00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:34,423 The mannequin incident. I'm familiar. 89 00:03:35,132 --> 00:03:37,968 (Screaming) (Gun firing) 90 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:39,845 (Gun clicking) 91 00:03:41,513 --> 00:03:44,474 Actually, there was an incident after that. 92 00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:45,559 Another incident? 93 00:03:46,268 --> 00:03:48,895 (Screaming) (Gun firing) 94 00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:51,064 You got to cool it, man. 95 00:03:53,024 --> 00:03:54,401 I'm gonna get some candy. 96 00:03:54,776 --> 00:03:57,070 Sir? I may not be the man for the job. 97 00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:59,364 You used to be the precinct's champion marksman. 98 00:03:59,448 --> 00:04:00,883 I only want to take pointers from the best. 99 00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:02,743 So, I'll keep it low-key. 100 00:04:02,826 --> 00:04:06,246 We'll go after work to a private range. No cops, no pressure. 101 00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:10,125 Blam! Blam, blam! Gun range. 102 00:04:10,292 --> 00:04:11,668 I told Gina she could join us. 103 00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:12,836 I want to get certified. 104 00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:15,297 There has been a ton of crime in my neighborhood. 105 00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:17,424 And the cops in my precinct are very bad. 106 00:04:18,133 --> 00:04:19,217 You live in our precinct. 107 00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:21,428 Yeah. I know. 108 00:04:22,304 --> 00:04:25,474 I know we've gone over this before, but I have to ask you again. 109 00:04:25,557 --> 00:04:28,059 Is there anywhere you can think of in that hallway 110 00:04:28,143 --> 00:04:29,352 where a knife could be hidden? 111 00:04:29,436 --> 00:04:32,314 Well, since I've already told you, like, three times, 112 00:04:32,397 --> 00:04:34,232 no, why don't I just record it, 113 00:04:34,316 --> 00:04:36,401 then I don't have to say it again. (Beeps) 114 00:04:36,568 --> 00:04:42,157 The hallway, like all other hallways, does not have a secret knife-hiding place. 115 00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:43,992 Here, you want to hear it again? (Beeps) 116 00:04:44,075 --> 00:04:45,660 (Recorded voice) Idea for a novel. 117 00:04:45,744 --> 00:04:50,415 A mild-mannered doorman gets bitten on the penis by a radioactive spider and becomes 118 00:04:50,499 --> 00:04:52,083 the world's greatest lover. 119 00:04:52,167 --> 00:04:54,007 No, don't stop it. I want to hear what happens. 120 00:04:54,085 --> 00:04:56,725 Boyle: This is terrific. He saves the first lady, if you must know. 121 00:04:57,422 --> 00:04:58,632 Sounds compelling. 122 00:05:01,885 --> 00:05:03,094 Oh, boy. 123 00:05:03,178 --> 00:05:07,307 Well, hello. I heard you guys were making the rounds again. 124 00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:10,227 All right. This one's all you, tiger. 125 00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:11,645 Come on. 126 00:05:13,688 --> 00:05:14,898 Police. 127 00:05:16,399 --> 00:05:17,442 Hey, ma'am. 128 00:05:17,526 --> 00:05:20,654 Thank god. Here, hold this. The lasagna's burning. 129 00:05:20,737 --> 00:05:21,988 Okay. Um... 130 00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:24,449 Woman: Get the dog! But don't let it touch the baby! 131 00:05:24,533 --> 00:05:25,826 (Dog barking) (Crying) 132 00:05:25,909 --> 00:05:28,703 (Cell phone ringing) Oh. Okay. Peralta. 133 00:05:28,787 --> 00:05:31,373 Yo. I looked at the photos of your victim on your desk. 134 00:05:31,456 --> 00:05:33,208 Is that Rosa? Tell her I said hi. 135 00:05:33,583 --> 00:05:35,895 The puncture wounds are similar to a case I had a while back. 136 00:05:35,919 --> 00:05:38,731 They aren't from a knife. I think it's something spiral, like a corkscrew. 137 00:05:38,755 --> 00:05:39,798 (Shushing) 138 00:05:39,881 --> 00:05:41,424 Don't shush me. I'm helping you. 139 00:05:41,633 --> 00:05:44,010 No. No, I'm holding a baby. That was actually very helpful. 140 00:05:44,094 --> 00:05:45,679 Thank you. Uh-oh. 141 00:05:46,263 --> 00:05:47,764 You better get back here. Now. 142 00:05:54,563 --> 00:05:56,565 Oh. Hello, peralta. 143 00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:01,152 (Groans) No, no, no. 144 00:06:01,236 --> 00:06:02,713 I don't know why you're so upset, man. 145 00:06:02,737 --> 00:06:05,323 I'm the one that had to come to this backwater stink hole. 146 00:06:05,407 --> 00:06:06,908 What's up, little man? 147 00:06:06,992 --> 00:06:08,702 What's up? Feeling sexy? Huh? 148 00:06:08,785 --> 00:06:09,911 Yeah, I feel sexy. 149 00:06:09,995 --> 00:06:11,830 You look sexy. You know I do. 150 00:06:11,913 --> 00:06:13,373 Watch out for that door. 151 00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:16,751 Yo, how much you bench? Seriously. 152 00:06:17,252 --> 00:06:20,505 Captain, please, please, pretty please, do not let him take over my case. 153 00:06:20,589 --> 00:06:22,007 Major crimes is stepping in. 154 00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:24,009 Nothing I can do. You're off the case. 155 00:06:24,175 --> 00:06:25,903 I can't believe you're just rolling over and giving 156 00:06:25,927 --> 00:06:27,345 my murder away to the vulture. 157 00:06:27,429 --> 00:06:29,180 We call him the vulture because he swoops in 158 00:06:29,264 --> 00:06:31,993 and solves cases that are almost solved and takes the credit for himself. 159 00:06:32,017 --> 00:06:34,352 Yes, boyle, I put that together from context. 160 00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:38,440 First of all, major crimes has jurisdiction over any and all cases they want to take, 161 00:06:38,523 --> 00:06:41,985 but more importantly, you're the one who insisted on working alone. 162 00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:45,322 I told you for weeks to use the squad, and you refused. 163 00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:48,867 I used them. I mean, Rosa's the one who figured out the corkscrew. 164 00:06:49,075 --> 00:06:50,535 Charles caught a dog. 165 00:06:51,620 --> 00:06:53,538 Well, congratulations, detective boyle. 166 00:06:53,622 --> 00:06:55,373 You should have involved them sooner. 167 00:06:55,457 --> 00:06:57,459 Turn over your files to detective pembroke. 168 00:06:57,542 --> 00:07:00,420 Sir, call him the vulture. Giving him a name makes him human. 169 00:07:00,503 --> 00:07:02,672 Turn over the files. 170 00:07:03,381 --> 00:07:07,636 Fine. But in protest, I'm walking over there extremely slowly. 171 00:07:14,893 --> 00:07:15,936 Thank you. 172 00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:20,523 God, this is so boring. 173 00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:22,150 For both of us. 174 00:07:22,317 --> 00:07:26,404 Hey, before I solve this case, I'd like to thank you for doing all the super easy work. 175 00:07:26,738 --> 00:07:28,698 You know, the real Nancy drew-level stuff. 176 00:07:28,907 --> 00:07:30,867 Oh, yeah? Did Nancy drew solve a lot of murders? 177 00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:33,745 Yeah, she did. Murder on ice. Recipe for murder. 178 00:07:33,912 --> 00:07:35,330 Nancy was a wonderful detective. 179 00:07:35,413 --> 00:07:36,790 I wanted to be her when I grew up. 180 00:07:36,873 --> 00:07:38,833 Thanks, Charles. That's helpful. 181 00:07:38,917 --> 00:07:42,420 Hey. Should we take odds on how fast I'll solve this case? 182 00:07:42,504 --> 00:07:44,482 Peralta: Nope. I mean, what was it with Diaz's last 183 00:07:44,506 --> 00:07:46,299 "impossible" extortion case? 184 00:07:46,383 --> 00:07:48,009 What was it? Six hours? 185 00:07:48,093 --> 00:07:50,220 That's because it was 98% solved. 186 00:07:51,054 --> 00:07:53,014 The last 2% is the hardest to get. 187 00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:54,933 That's why they leave it in the milk. 188 00:07:55,016 --> 00:07:56,101 What? 189 00:07:56,226 --> 00:07:59,062 Oh. Wow. Looking good, sanfiago. 190 00:07:59,437 --> 00:08:00,730 Looking foxy, ma. 191 00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:03,608 Go rot in hell. This is your fault. 192 00:08:05,944 --> 00:08:07,529 Thanks, champ. Good effort. 193 00:08:07,612 --> 00:08:09,906 I got it from here. And hey, 194 00:08:10,073 --> 00:08:12,385 you feel free to call me any time you need me to come down here 195 00:08:12,409 --> 00:08:14,411 and help powder that big white ass of yours. 196 00:08:14,703 --> 00:08:15,954 (Grunts) 197 00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:19,165 Well. That's the worst thing that's ever happened to me. 198 00:08:20,959 --> 00:08:23,461 (Groans) I hate the vulture so much. 199 00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:25,922 Me, too. But he's kind of hot. 200 00:08:27,132 --> 00:08:29,801 What? You can hate people and still think they're hot. 201 00:08:29,884 --> 00:08:32,053 Case in point Manuel noriega. 202 00:08:32,137 --> 00:08:35,181 You know what? I'm with you on this. Tonya Harding. 203 00:08:35,306 --> 00:08:36,391 Yeah, she's thick. 204 00:08:36,474 --> 00:08:38,351 Right? Always classy, Jake. 205 00:08:38,476 --> 00:08:39,769 Mmm-hmm. 206 00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:42,272 Sorry you got vultured. Ithappens to the best of us. 207 00:08:42,939 --> 00:08:45,692 On my count. One, two... 208 00:08:46,109 --> 00:08:50,071 Three! I got it from here. Yeah! Get up! Get up! 209 00:08:50,155 --> 00:08:51,990 Turn around! (Laughing) 210 00:08:52,407 --> 00:08:53,759 You have the right to remain silent. 211 00:08:53,783 --> 00:08:55,535 Anything you say can and will be... 212 00:08:55,618 --> 00:08:57,138 Can and will be used against you in a court of law. 213 00:08:57,162 --> 00:08:59,039 Thanks, guys, I got it from here. 214 00:08:59,789 --> 00:09:01,833 Skim white chocolate macchiato for Charles? 215 00:09:01,916 --> 00:09:03,126 I got it from here. 216 00:09:03,710 --> 00:09:04,961 I used a gift card for that. 217 00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:08,339 God, I just, iwanna get back at him so bad. 218 00:09:08,423 --> 00:09:12,093 I wish I could throw his cell phone in the toilet or slash his tires. 219 00:09:12,177 --> 00:09:13,303 I don't know. 220 00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:14,596 Or slash his gorgeous throat. 221 00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:16,347 I cannot figure you out. 222 00:09:16,431 --> 00:09:20,518 Okay. I'm buying everyone drinks as long as we're here thinking of a revenge plan. 223 00:09:20,602 --> 00:09:23,396 Best idea gets 50 bucks. Throw them on out. 224 00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:26,944 What if you called him from a hospital and said his whole family is dead? 225 00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:28,568 Like they died of cancer. 226 00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:31,946 Charles, that is so dark. I'm putting it down. 227 00:09:33,114 --> 00:09:36,076 So, my stance feels good, but I'm still not hitting center. 228 00:09:36,493 --> 00:09:39,037 All right. Back your left foot up a hair. 229 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:40,747 Gina: Like this? (Imitating gunshots) 230 00:09:40,830 --> 00:09:43,208 No. Gina, we've been over this. 231 00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:44,793 Well, show me. 232 00:09:44,876 --> 00:09:48,171 Like, wrap your thick, muscular arms around me and... 233 00:09:49,047 --> 00:09:52,634 All right, look. Hands here. Stand up straight. Chin forward. 234 00:09:52,717 --> 00:09:54,469 Gina! Hold on. My nose itches. 235 00:09:54,636 --> 00:09:57,931 Now, when I lock my shooting arm, the other hand feels unstable. 236 00:09:58,348 --> 00:10:00,868 Now, what stance am I supposed to be doing? Weaver or isosceles? 237 00:10:00,892 --> 00:10:02,143 You guys did stances? 238 00:10:02,227 --> 00:10:03,788 Like, oh... yeah, everybody does stances. 239 00:10:03,812 --> 00:10:05,855 Listen... all right, look. 240 00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:07,732 Hey. Both of you, just watch. 241 00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:09,818 (Gun firing) 242 00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:12,695 That's eight. He did it. 243 00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:14,114 That was only seven. 244 00:10:15,990 --> 00:10:17,492 Why are you counting my shots? 245 00:10:18,243 --> 00:10:20,328 Are you trying to have me recertified? 246 00:10:20,411 --> 00:10:25,500 Yes. If you make eight of 10 shots, I can sign off on you carrying a gun again. 247 00:10:25,583 --> 00:10:26,811 Gina's here as an official witness, 248 00:10:26,835 --> 00:10:29,671 and I thought itwould be easier for you in a no-pressure environment. 249 00:10:29,754 --> 00:10:31,256 I can't believe you tricked me. 250 00:10:31,339 --> 00:10:34,008 You're too good a cop to be shackled to a desk. 251 00:10:34,092 --> 00:10:37,595 Now, you only have one hit until you get re-certified. 252 00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:39,806 So, deep breath. Huh? 253 00:10:41,099 --> 00:10:42,142 Take the final shot. 254 00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:48,106 Don't over think it. Just relax and breathe. 255 00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:52,110 Bring air into your lungs, 256 00:10:52,193 --> 00:10:53,736 like you've done your whole life. 257 00:10:55,738 --> 00:10:58,825 (Whimpering) Oh, my god. Guys! 258 00:10:59,450 --> 00:11:01,828 How do you breathe? I forgot how to breathe! 259 00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:04,372 Is it two in, one out? (Huffing) 260 00:11:05,790 --> 00:11:09,878 What if we wrap his motorcycle in plastic wrap and melt it with a hair-dryer? 261 00:11:10,128 --> 00:11:12,672 Little trick I learned in gift basket making class. 262 00:11:12,881 --> 00:11:14,883 Peralta: All right, here's what we're up to. 263 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,178 "Steal his kidney. Burn down his house. 264 00:11:18,261 --> 00:11:20,555 "Replace his aloe tissues with regular tissues." 265 00:11:20,638 --> 00:11:21,866 Thank you, Charles. You're welcome. 266 00:11:21,890 --> 00:11:24,267 "Leave a dead cat in his cedar closet." 267 00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:26,269 Note. He would have to own a cedar closet. 268 00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:27,562 He seems like he would. 269 00:11:27,645 --> 00:11:31,107 Uh, "sneak into his apartment and burn popcorn in the microwave." 270 00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:32,692 (Laughing) Thank you, Charles. 271 00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:36,404 Uh, Scully asked for mashed potatoes, so I wrote that down. 272 00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:38,740 Well, I hate to say it, but I think, by default, 273 00:11:38,823 --> 00:11:40,700 Charles's motorcycle idea is the winner. 274 00:11:40,783 --> 00:11:42,952 Yeah. Winning by default. 275 00:11:43,077 --> 00:11:44,370 Peralta: Let's get into it. 276 00:11:44,454 --> 00:11:46,039 Anybody know where the vulture lives? 277 00:11:46,122 --> 00:11:47,290 On third, right near here. 278 00:11:47,373 --> 00:11:48,374 How do you know that? 279 00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:50,126 Peralta: Shotgun, boys. We're rolling. 280 00:11:51,085 --> 00:11:52,378 (Grunting) 281 00:11:52,462 --> 00:11:53,963 Take that, vulture. 282 00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:55,465 Peralta: Let's melt this thing. 283 00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:57,550 All right. Give me your hair-dryer. 284 00:11:57,634 --> 00:11:58,861 What? What are you talking about? 285 00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:00,261 Don't you carry one in your purse? 286 00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:01,930 Have you ever met a human woman? 287 00:12:02,013 --> 00:12:04,390 There's a drugstore four blocks away. I'm on it. 288 00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:08,603 Oh, no. Scully, traveling four blocks? 289 00:12:08,686 --> 00:12:10,230 That could take weeks. 290 00:12:11,773 --> 00:12:12,857 (Panting) 291 00:12:12,941 --> 00:12:14,400 Take the shot, sergeant. 292 00:12:14,484 --> 00:12:15,902 I just need a second. 293 00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:17,779 You've had 18 minutes of seconds. 294 00:12:18,029 --> 00:12:19,822 (Cell phone ringing) 295 00:12:21,324 --> 00:12:24,327 Gina's authentic stolen police badges. How can I help? 296 00:12:24,452 --> 00:12:26,454 Hey, it's peralta. Oh, hey, Jake. 297 00:12:26,537 --> 00:12:28,414 Hey. Do you carry a hair-dryer in your purse? 298 00:12:28,539 --> 00:12:30,041 Of course. I'm not an animal. 299 00:12:30,959 --> 00:12:33,628 Great. Uh, I need you to bring it to the vulture's apartment. 300 00:12:33,795 --> 00:12:36,130 There's someone named the vulture? Tell Rosa. 301 00:12:36,381 --> 00:12:38,216 Shadbehflofimt comeon 302 00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:40,778 peralta, why are you asking Gina about detective pembroke? 303 00:12:40,802 --> 00:12:42,637 Oh. Captain, hello. Uh. 304 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:46,140 We are preparing him a gift basket of sorts. 305 00:12:46,307 --> 00:12:47,892 Look. I understand that you're upset. 306 00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:49,995 But if you want to keep this from happening again, 307 00:12:50,019 --> 00:12:53,314 I suggest that you pull your team together and solve these cases, 308 00:12:53,398 --> 00:12:55,275 before major crimes can step in. 309 00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:57,694 Am I clear? 310 00:12:57,777 --> 00:13:01,197 Yes, sir. That is definitely clear. Thank you, sir. 311 00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:07,829 You should be frowning. Why is Jake smiling? Why are you smiling? 312 00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:10,873 Because the captain just gave us the perfect revenge plan. 313 00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:13,543 We team up and solve this case. Right now. 314 00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:15,253 That is not what he meant. 315 00:13:15,336 --> 00:13:16,462 Think about it, Amy. 316 00:13:16,546 --> 00:13:20,466 We go back to the scene of the crime, find the murder weapon, and out-vulture the vulture. 317 00:13:20,550 --> 00:13:22,510 No one gets in trouble if we crack the case. 318 00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:24,554 Okay. Screw it. I'm in. 319 00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:25,763 Yes, that's right. 320 00:13:25,847 --> 00:13:27,348 All right. We're angry. 321 00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:29,809 We're getting revenge. We're a little bit tipsy. 322 00:13:29,934 --> 00:13:31,978 We should not be driving. We're taking the bus. 323 00:13:32,061 --> 00:13:33,396 I love the bus. 324 00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:40,236 So, the waitress heard the couple arguing at dinner. 325 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:43,614 Apparently, he was having an affair and it was not the first time. 326 00:13:43,865 --> 00:13:46,242 Two years ago, she caught him with the dog Walker, 327 00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:49,037 who was "walking his dog," if you know what I mean. 328 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:50,121 I do. Right? 329 00:13:50,204 --> 00:13:51,748 Yes.lgoth. Sexfimes 330 00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:53,791 mmm-hmm. Anyways, we know it's the wife. 331 00:13:54,584 --> 00:13:57,045 You're real talkative now that you want our help. 332 00:13:57,128 --> 00:14:01,382 All right, it is possible that I should have brought you guys in sooner, 333 00:14:01,466 --> 00:14:04,552 but I just get so excited wrapped up in wanting to solve stuff. 334 00:14:04,635 --> 00:14:05,845 You know? I get it. 335 00:14:05,928 --> 00:14:08,348 You want to be the best. We all do. 336 00:14:09,390 --> 00:14:12,018 You just don't have to be such a butthead about it. 337 00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:14,145 What? 338 00:14:14,228 --> 00:14:16,415 I just can't believe you would call me a butthead. Shut up. 339 00:14:16,439 --> 00:14:17,607 So harsh. 340 00:14:21,110 --> 00:14:23,112 Hitchcock farts non-stop. 341 00:14:25,531 --> 00:14:26,783 Still waiting, sergeant. 342 00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:29,410 Well, it's just, the target looks exactly like a friend of mine. 343 00:14:29,494 --> 00:14:30,787 It's freaking me out. 344 00:14:31,412 --> 00:14:33,623 You have a friend who's just a silhouette? 345 00:14:34,123 --> 00:14:36,667 Yes. Let's all just count to a million. 346 00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:38,378 One, two, three, four, five, six. 347 00:14:38,503 --> 00:14:42,465 So, then, ice man says, "you can be my wing man any day." And then, Maverick says... 348 00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:43,966 I've seen the film, sergeant. 349 00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:45,718 I haven't. What happens next? 350 00:14:45,802 --> 00:14:48,179 Goose comes back, right? He's not really dead. 351 00:14:48,304 --> 00:14:50,973 (Sighs) Goose is gone. 352 00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:52,475 I know. No. 353 00:14:53,309 --> 00:14:54,370 Peralta: All right. Here's how it went down. 354 00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:56,771 9:45, a man screams. 355 00:14:56,854 --> 00:14:59,649 Ninety seconds later, wife goes down to the doorman. 356 00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:02,360 Says a guy murdered her husband and then ran off. 357 00:15:02,443 --> 00:15:03,861 We know she's lying. 358 00:15:03,945 --> 00:15:06,781 We've just got to find the corkscrew to make our case air-tight. 359 00:15:06,864 --> 00:15:09,367 I say we role-play, see if something sparks. 360 00:15:09,534 --> 00:15:11,244 Darling, thank you for a lovely dinner. 361 00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:14,038 Perhaps we should have one more drink before bed. 362 00:15:14,122 --> 00:15:16,165 Don't you "darling" me, you philanderer. 363 00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:18,584 No, you're the husband. The husband had the affair. 364 00:15:18,668 --> 00:15:20,270 I'm always the victim. I don't want to be the victim. 365 00:15:20,294 --> 00:15:21,546 Okay. Charles is the door. 366 00:15:21,629 --> 00:15:23,798 No. I'll be the victim. Don't make me a door again. 367 00:15:23,881 --> 00:15:27,552 Great. Okay. So, wife goes into the drawer. Gets the corkscrew. 368 00:15:27,635 --> 00:15:29,595 Stab, stab, stab. 369 00:15:30,096 --> 00:15:31,889 What does she do with the corkscrew? 370 00:15:31,973 --> 00:15:34,243 She dumps it in the hallway trash chute on the way to the doorman. 371 00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:35,867 No, we checked the trash, like, 10 times. 372 00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:37,520 We would have seen a bloody corkscrew. 373 00:15:37,603 --> 00:15:39,439 All right, Hitchcock, you're up. 374 00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:41,232 (Screaming) 375 00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:45,862 The body. The corkscrew's still in the body. 376 00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:47,822 No, you're terrible at this. Go sit down. 377 00:15:47,905 --> 00:15:49,031 You're up, Diaz. 378 00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:50,283 Stab! 379 00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:55,371 Then I toss the corkscrew out the window and it lands on a passing car. 380 00:15:55,621 --> 00:15:58,958 Security cams showed no one driving by at that time, and nothing on the street. 381 00:15:59,041 --> 00:16:01,836 Okay, I want in. But I only want to stab you. 382 00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:04,338 Fine. Charles, door. 383 00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:05,673 Right. 384 00:16:06,340 --> 00:16:09,802 (Clears throat) Okay. Uh, sweetheart... 385 00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:12,346 Time to die. That seems a little harsh. 386 00:16:14,056 --> 00:16:16,100 What if it was a magnetic corkscrew? 387 00:16:17,435 --> 00:16:19,520 If the corkscrew was on a magnet... 388 00:16:19,604 --> 00:16:21,248 It's stuck halfway down the inside of the trash chute. 389 00:16:21,272 --> 00:16:22,690 I figured it out first. (Grunts) 390 00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:24,442 Wow. What's happening? 391 00:16:25,568 --> 00:16:28,738 You have a 10-pound flashlight in your purse, but not a hair-dryer? 392 00:16:29,614 --> 00:16:31,449 I can't see far enough down. 393 00:16:31,532 --> 00:16:33,010 Someone's going to have to go down in there. 394 00:16:33,034 --> 00:16:34,785 Someone with narrow shoulders. 395 00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:39,040 No. I have broad shoulders. I have narrow hips, but broad shoulders. 396 00:16:41,459 --> 00:16:42,752 God! 397 00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:44,879 See anything? Boyle: A little lower. 398 00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:48,174 Freeze. Hands in the air. 399 00:16:49,091 --> 00:16:50,092 We're cops. 400 00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:51,802 Boyle: Broad shoulders. Stuck! 401 00:16:51,928 --> 00:16:53,429 Told you. Broad shoulders. 402 00:16:54,972 --> 00:16:56,892 Apparently, our detective squad has gotten drunk, 403 00:16:56,974 --> 00:17:00,478 compromised a crime scene, and an officer has gotten stuck in a trash chute. 404 00:17:01,562 --> 00:17:04,273 I need you to lead this squad, Terry, and I mean really lead it. 405 00:17:07,318 --> 00:17:08,819 I hope you take the shot. 406 00:17:09,737 --> 00:17:11,548 Pembroke: What kind of precinct are you running here? 407 00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:13,692 Would you like to sit down, detective? You seem upset. 408 00:17:13,741 --> 00:17:14,951 Hell yeah, I'm upset. 409 00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:20,998 Your team disrupted a crime scene over which they have zero, zero jurisdiction. 410 00:17:21,123 --> 00:17:22,458 They were publicly drunk. 411 00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:25,920 Apparently, one of them pressed all the buttons on the elevator. 412 00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:29,066 Well, maybe hejust bumped up against the panel with that big white ass of his. 413 00:17:29,090 --> 00:17:31,300 Santiago: What now? Holt is going to kill you. 414 00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:33,386 I don't think he will. 415 00:17:33,469 --> 00:17:35,096 Because_. Voha! 416 00:17:35,221 --> 00:17:37,598 You actually found the corkscrew in the trash chute? 417 00:17:37,682 --> 00:17:39,809 Stuck to the side, just like you said. 418 00:17:40,101 --> 00:17:42,144 Peralta: Boyle, I'm pulling you out! 419 00:17:43,271 --> 00:17:44,564 Whoa! 420 00:17:48,526 --> 00:17:50,444 This is the proudest moment of my career. 421 00:17:50,528 --> 00:17:51,779 (Crashes) Ah! 422 00:17:52,113 --> 00:17:55,491 Oh, my god. You guys, we out-vultured the vulture. 423 00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:57,034 (Cawing) 424 00:17:57,118 --> 00:17:58,160 What the hell was that? 425 00:17:58,244 --> 00:17:59,829 What? It's a vulture. 426 00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:02,540 Now, ifyou'll excuse me, I'm going to take this 427 00:18:02,623 --> 00:18:06,711 corkscrew over to the da, so we get the collar, not major crimes. 428 00:18:06,794 --> 00:18:08,629 Peralta. Now. 429 00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:14,260 Okay. Before you get mad... 430 00:18:14,343 --> 00:18:17,388 Shut it. Holtwas right. I've been so worried about my own kids, 431 00:18:17,471 --> 00:18:19,557 I forgot about my stupid, grown-up kids. 432 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:21,058 Well, that's insulting. 433 00:18:21,142 --> 00:18:22,494 I should have been on you guys more. 434 00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:24,395 And starting now, I will be. 435 00:18:25,563 --> 00:18:27,398 But if you ever do this again, 436 00:18:27,481 --> 00:18:30,234 I swear I will crush your head in one hand. 437 00:18:30,318 --> 00:18:31,777 You don't mean that. Try me. 438 00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:33,446 Okay. 439 00:18:35,197 --> 00:18:36,699 Where are you going? 440 00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:39,869 Boss is taking heat for something that's not even his fault. 441 00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:41,912 I can't let that happen. 442 00:18:42,079 --> 00:18:46,250 Wait. Damn it. Look. It's not your fault, either. 443 00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:49,378 And it's not the vulture's fault. 444 00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:52,214 It's Amy's. 445 00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:55,426 I know. I know. It's mine. It's mine. Okay? 446 00:18:55,509 --> 00:18:57,637 God, I do not love how this worked out. 447 00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:01,307 Detective pembroke. 448 00:19:01,432 --> 00:19:02,475 God. Now what? 449 00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,560 I'd like to cordially invite you to calm down. 450 00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:09,023 Especially considering that this case has already been solved. By you. 451 00:19:10,274 --> 00:19:12,109 Looks like you found the murder weapon. 452 00:19:12,193 --> 00:19:15,633 It's a good thing you realized was magnetically stuck to the inside of the trash chute. 453 00:19:16,113 --> 00:19:17,740 Congratulations. 454 00:19:18,115 --> 00:19:22,286 Hmm. You cracked the case all by yourself. We done here? 455 00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:27,792 Yeah. Yeah, we're done here. 456 00:19:28,459 --> 00:19:31,087 Hey. Keep up the bad work, champ. 457 00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:32,963 Here it comes. (Grunts) (Slapping) 458 00:19:34,423 --> 00:19:35,800 Why does he keep touching my butt? 459 00:19:38,344 --> 00:19:40,096 Stay foxy. Die lonely. 460 00:19:40,346 --> 00:19:43,224 Well. Case closed. Good work, everyone. 461 00:19:43,599 --> 00:19:45,786 Let's, uh, call it a night without any further discussion. 462 00:19:45,810 --> 00:19:50,189 No. All of you broke into a crime scene under the influence of alcohol, 463 00:19:50,272 --> 00:19:53,192 overstepped your jurisdiction, and disobeyed my direct orders. 464 00:19:53,776 --> 00:19:55,796 Everyone involved tonight is going to get written up. 465 00:19:55,820 --> 00:19:59,156 Okay, fine. Here's everyone who was there. 466 00:19:59,365 --> 00:20:03,244 Jake peralta, j. Peralta, Dr. Jacob peralta, 467 00:20:03,327 --> 00:20:07,248 who has a phd in slow jam studies from funktown state university. 468 00:20:07,415 --> 00:20:09,500 Also involved was the right honorable... 469 00:20:09,583 --> 00:20:10,710 Okay, enough. 470 00:20:10,793 --> 00:20:12,962 My point is, it was a peralta special, sir. 471 00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:14,213 No one else was there. 472 00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:18,592 Well, detective, I'm happy to see you're learning how to be part of a team. 473 00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:21,804 Everybody, go home. Sleep it off. 474 00:20:24,598 --> 00:20:26,600 And, sir? Thank you. 475 00:20:27,101 --> 00:20:29,770 Ultimately, it was our raw sexual chemistry 476 00:20:29,854 --> 00:20:32,481 that helped him overcome his crippling fear. 477 00:20:32,690 --> 00:20:37,445 You should just stay in the office all day everyday and be my bestie. 478 00:20:37,862 --> 00:20:40,489 You could join my dance troupe floorgasm. 479 00:20:40,614 --> 00:20:42,908 We're looking for a man of precisely your... 480 00:20:42,992 --> 00:20:44,243 (Gun firing) 481 00:20:45,161 --> 00:20:48,414 It's going to be a long road, but I'm ready to get myself back in the game. 482 00:20:48,831 --> 00:20:50,124 I know you will. 483 00:20:50,207 --> 00:20:52,543 I mean, eventually. Not tonight. 484 00:20:54,462 --> 00:20:57,339 I need to go hug my baby girls. Excuse me. 485 00:21:00,009 --> 00:21:01,886 Jake, I have to say, the way you handled things 486 00:21:01,969 --> 00:21:03,804 with the vulture yesterday was very mature. 487 00:21:04,054 --> 00:21:07,057 Well, sometimes in life, you just have to take the highroad. 488 00:21:07,141 --> 00:21:08,934 (Alarm ringing) Whoo, time's up. 489 00:21:09,059 --> 00:21:11,228 I can't wait to see it. Here we go. 490 00:21:11,312 --> 00:21:12,897 That's good suction. Oh! 491 00:21:13,481 --> 00:21:14,607 Ah! 492 00:21:14,690 --> 00:21:16,692 Check it out. Perfect, right? 493 00:21:16,817 --> 00:21:18,152 Yeah. 494 00:21:18,527 --> 00:21:20,696 "Dear vulture. 495 00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:25,534 "Enjoy my big white ass. Jake." 496 00:21:26,786 --> 00:21:29,789 There you are. Always take the highroad, Charles. 497 00:21:29,872 --> 00:21:31,040 Always take the highroad.