1 00:00:03,462 --> 00:00:04,546 Officers: Whoa! 2 00:00:04,630 --> 00:00:05,756 Santiago: Settle. 3 00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:07,424 Sorry, sarge. 4 00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:10,302 Ugh, Halloween is the worst. 5 00:00:10,719 --> 00:00:12,596 Everyone's drunk, wearing a mask, 6 00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:14,306 and carrying a fake gun. 7 00:00:14,389 --> 00:00:16,433 Plus all the girls think they have to dress sexy. 8 00:00:16,558 --> 00:00:19,144 I know, that is the worst. Please make them stop. 9 00:00:19,228 --> 00:00:20,938 I passed a slutty tree on the way here. 10 00:00:21,063 --> 00:00:22,648 Who wants to have sex with a tree? 11 00:00:22,731 --> 00:00:24,691 Was it a maple? Was it a maple? 12 00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:27,361 Buongiorno! Buongiorno! 13 00:00:27,444 --> 00:00:29,488 Pretty cool 'stume, huh? 'Stume? 14 00:00:29,696 --> 00:00:31,448 Short for costume. Ah. 15 00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:34,117 All right, let me guess. You are dumpy Chuck Norris. 16 00:00:34,201 --> 00:00:35,869 No, I'm... dumpy Ron Weasley. 17 00:00:35,953 --> 00:00:37,704 No. Jeffords: You guys, stop it. 18 00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,706 He put thought into his costume, 19 00:00:39,790 --> 00:00:42,167 and he is obviously Miranda from sex and the city. 20 00:00:42,251 --> 00:00:44,002 Guys, I'm Mario batali! 21 00:00:44,169 --> 00:00:45,963 Molto Mario? Celebrity chef? 22 00:00:46,296 --> 00:00:48,131 Ginger prince of little Italy? 23 00:00:48,257 --> 00:00:49,925 Is he also a homeless troll doll? 24 00:00:50,008 --> 00:00:51,444 'Cause you look like a homeless troll doll. 25 00:00:51,468 --> 00:00:53,262 Hey, sweet batali costume, dude. 26 00:00:53,345 --> 00:00:54,388 Thank you! 27 00:00:54,471 --> 00:00:56,306 There's a man with impeccable taste. 28 00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:59,184 He bit a guy's butt off at a wnba game. 29 00:00:59,935 --> 00:01:01,228 Eric stoltz from mask. 30 00:01:01,311 --> 00:01:02,729 I'll take it. Peralta: Yeah. 31 00:01:03,313 --> 00:01:05,023 I hope you're all well rested. 32 00:01:05,148 --> 00:01:06,228 It's gonna be a busy night. 33 00:01:06,275 --> 00:01:07,985 The holding cell's completely full. 34 00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:10,737 I keep having to separate Hillary Clinton and Kim jong-eun. 35 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:12,948 Stop it! Stop making out! 36 00:01:13,532 --> 00:01:15,742 Heylno! What would bill say? 37 00:01:16,243 --> 00:01:18,704 We need two undercovers at the dekalb street warehouse party. 38 00:01:19,037 --> 00:01:21,957 Uh, boyle, you're already in costume as, uh... 39 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:24,209 Joy behar? I'm Mario batali. 40 00:01:24,334 --> 00:01:27,462 Okay. And, uh, Santiago, you go with him. 41 00:01:27,588 --> 00:01:29,715 Yes, sir. Damn it. 42 00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:32,718 Santiago, I know that you hate Halloween, 43 00:01:32,801 --> 00:01:35,178 but stick with me, and I promise you, you will love it. 44 00:01:35,262 --> 00:01:38,056 Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully dressed? 45 00:01:38,140 --> 00:01:39,683 "Kind, sober, and fully dressed." 46 00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:42,769 Good news, everyone, we found the name of Santiago's sex tape. 47 00:01:43,395 --> 00:01:44,813 (Theme music playing) 48 00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:06,960 Well, ring it up, nerds. 49 00:02:07,461 --> 00:02:10,339 I just arrested my first Halloween idiot of the season. 50 00:02:10,922 --> 00:02:13,722 He was trying to Rob a bank, but had a little trouble with the getaway. 51 00:02:14,426 --> 00:02:16,178 Peralta: Trying to split, huh? 52 00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:19,056 Don't worry, I'm sure you'll get out on "a peel." 53 00:02:19,723 --> 00:02:21,975 I'm so glad you're stuck. I've got a million of these. 54 00:02:22,059 --> 00:02:23,935 No, no, don% touch the money! (Groans) 55 00:02:24,311 --> 00:02:25,854 I swear, these perps are so stupid. 56 00:02:25,937 --> 00:02:27,373 I'd make a better criminal than any of them. 57 00:02:27,397 --> 00:02:29,274 Yeah, you would. You'd be an evil mastermind, 58 00:02:29,358 --> 00:02:31,210 and everyone would call you the handsome bandit. 59 00:02:31,234 --> 00:02:33,111 Thank you, Charles. And the best part is, 60 00:02:33,195 --> 00:02:34,738 none of you could catch me. 61 00:02:34,821 --> 00:02:35,989 Oh, come on. 62 00:02:36,073 --> 00:02:37,425 I'm fairly certain you would be caught. 63 00:02:37,449 --> 00:02:41,036 No, scratch that. I'm 100% sure you'd be caught. 64 00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,579 (Chuckles) 65 00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,164 All right, challenge accepted. 66 00:02:44,247 --> 00:02:45,327 I didn't issue a challenge. 67 00:02:45,374 --> 00:02:46,434 Fine. I'll issue it for you. 68 00:02:46,458 --> 00:02:48,669 What's the most valuable thing in your office? 69 00:02:48,752 --> 00:02:50,087 My medal of valor. 70 00:02:50,379 --> 00:02:52,005 God, you are such a hero. 71 00:02:52,089 --> 00:02:55,342 All right, how about this? I will bet you that by midnight tonight, 72 00:02:55,425 --> 00:02:57,427 I can steal the medal of valor from your office. 73 00:02:57,552 --> 00:02:58,863 Why would I possibly agree to that? 74 00:02:58,887 --> 00:03:01,139 Because if I lose, I'll work the next five weekends. 75 00:03:01,223 --> 00:03:02,307 No overtime. 76 00:03:02,391 --> 00:03:03,767 And I won't tell anyone here about 77 00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:06,050 the time I saw you wearing short shorts outside of work. 78 00:03:06,103 --> 00:03:07,312 But iflwin... you won't. 79 00:03:07,396 --> 00:03:08,956 You have to do all of my paperwork tonight, 80 00:03:08,980 --> 00:03:12,192 the busiest and spookiest night of the year. 81 00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:14,653 And you have to publicly state 82 00:03:14,736 --> 00:03:17,364 that I'm an amazing detective/genius. 83 00:03:17,447 --> 00:03:18,615 Oh, yeah! 84 00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:20,951 And this won't interfere with you doing your job? 85 00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:24,705 You mean my job as an amazing detective/genius? 86 00:03:25,288 --> 00:03:27,290 No, itwill not. I'll do all of my work, guaranteed. 87 00:03:27,374 --> 00:03:28,792 I'm considering it. 88 00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:30,001 I'm interested. 89 00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:31,211 I agree to participate. 90 00:03:31,294 --> 00:03:32,337 All right. (Laughs) Oh! 91 00:03:32,421 --> 00:03:34,339 There's the robot I fell in love with. 92 00:03:35,590 --> 00:03:36,758 Diaz: Hey. 93 00:03:36,842 --> 00:03:38,552 Sister Steve here got mugged. 94 00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:41,972 Some guy dressed as a royal baby punched him and took his wallet. 95 00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:43,432 She keeps laughing at me. 96 00:03:43,515 --> 00:03:46,226 Can't tell you how many nuns I wanted to beat up in catholic school. 97 00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:47,477 Ten. 98 00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:48,871 I didn't know you went to catholic school. 99 00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:50,063 Good. You shouldn't know it. 100 00:03:50,147 --> 00:03:53,775 I get it. You're so mysterious and tough. 101 00:03:53,859 --> 00:03:55,277 But you know what I think? 102 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:56,778 You're actually a big softie. 103 00:03:56,862 --> 00:03:58,280 No, I think she's really mean. 104 00:03:58,363 --> 00:04:00,073 You probably read a Maya angelou poem 105 00:04:00,157 --> 00:04:01,658 at your graduation and cried. 106 00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:03,368 Didn't graduate. Had to leave. 107 00:04:03,452 --> 00:04:04,661 Why? What'd you do? 108 00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:06,455 Here's a hint. 109 00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:07,873 I'm not gonna tell you. 110 00:04:09,207 --> 00:04:10,751 Oh, I'm gonna find out anyway. 111 00:04:10,834 --> 00:04:13,044 (Scoffs) I'm a detective. 112 00:04:13,378 --> 00:04:14,880 I will detect! 113 00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:16,965 Hey. 114 00:04:17,048 --> 00:04:18,717 Got an arrest file here for the captain. 115 00:04:19,134 --> 00:04:20,385 Drunk and disorderly. 116 00:04:20,469 --> 00:04:22,220 So, anyways... 117 00:04:22,471 --> 00:04:23,680 Gina! 118 00:04:23,847 --> 00:04:25,140 We never talk anymore. 119 00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:26,826 How's the dance troupe? Did you get a haircut? 120 00:04:26,850 --> 00:04:28,369 What's the captain's schedule like today? 121 00:04:28,393 --> 00:04:30,061 I'm not gonna help you Rob him, Jake. 122 00:04:30,145 --> 00:04:33,273 I'm his assistant, and I take that job incredibly seriously. 123 00:04:33,356 --> 00:04:36,318 You're literally making paper airplanes out of police reports right now. 124 00:04:36,401 --> 00:04:38,653 Well, how am I supposed to get it into that garbage can? 125 00:04:38,779 --> 00:04:40,489 Come on. Fine. 126 00:04:40,572 --> 00:04:42,991 Captain's got a meeting downstairs in 10 minutes. 127 00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:44,826 You're the best. Muah! 128 00:04:46,077 --> 00:04:47,871 What does your skin taste like? Dina Lohan. 129 00:04:47,954 --> 00:04:49,539 I'm wearing her face lotion. 130 00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:50,874 That's it. 131 00:04:51,374 --> 00:04:53,001 (Speaking indistinctly) 132 00:04:53,376 --> 00:04:55,128 Okay, party's around the corner. 133 00:04:55,212 --> 00:04:57,547 Tipster said there'ii be a huge amount of drug activity. 134 00:04:57,798 --> 00:05:00,050 Why is this costume so stiff? 135 00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:01,676 And what is that smell? 136 00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:04,000 The department never washes them, so it's probably vomit. 137 00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:07,057 I got you a chocolate. 138 00:05:07,182 --> 00:05:09,810 Yet another great thing about Halloween, chocolate! 139 00:05:09,893 --> 00:05:11,812 Thanks. Oh, look. 140 00:05:11,895 --> 00:05:14,147 Raggedy Ann is drinking vodka right from the bottle. 141 00:05:14,231 --> 00:05:15,899 People think if they put on a costume, 142 00:05:15,982 --> 00:05:18,568 they can just get away with anything they want. 143 00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,779 Halloween is Christmas forjerks. 144 00:05:21,071 --> 00:05:23,114 Come on, ma'am. No open containers. 145 00:05:23,365 --> 00:05:26,284 Oh, and why should I listen to you, bone person? 146 00:05:26,535 --> 00:05:29,955 It's called skeleton. It's a very common word. 147 00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:31,915 Just put the vodka away. 148 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:34,000 You guys are cops? These guys are cops! 149 00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:36,044 (All booing) Man: Throw an egg at them! 150 00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:40,382 (Gentle thudding) 151 00:05:43,426 --> 00:05:45,387 Are you in my ceiling, peralta? 152 00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:47,055 Peralta: No. 153 00:05:47,222 --> 00:05:48,557 So what's the plan? 154 00:05:48,849 --> 00:05:50,201 You wait for me to leave my office, 155 00:05:50,225 --> 00:05:52,394 lower yourself down, take my medal, and win the bet? 156 00:05:52,477 --> 00:05:54,813 Peralta: Who are you talking to? There's no one up here. 157 00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:56,606 Peralta, just so you know, 158 00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:59,276 right now, I am taking my medal off the wall 159 00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:01,278 and placing it in a locked safe, 160 00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:03,989 whose combination is known only to me. 161 00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:05,490 The safe, in turn, 162 00:06:05,574 --> 00:06:07,033 is locked in the cabinet. 163 00:06:07,117 --> 00:06:09,870 The only key to that cabinet is on my person. 164 00:06:11,580 --> 00:06:14,124 I'm off to my meeting. Good luck with your plan. 165 00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:15,834 Peralta: You think that scares me? 166 00:06:15,917 --> 00:06:18,044 I laugh in the face of adversity! 167 00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:20,797 Are you still there? 168 00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:22,641 Captain, are you still there? I can't hear... 169 00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:24,050 (Screams) 170 00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:30,807 Here you go. 171 00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:32,309 Don't touch the butter. 172 00:06:33,476 --> 00:06:36,205 What happened? I thought you guys were supposed to be at the warehouse party. 173 00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:37,564 We got egged. 174 00:06:37,647 --> 00:06:39,524 Some of the shell got in my contacts 175 00:06:39,608 --> 00:06:42,068 and my hair and my mouth and my bra. 176 00:06:42,152 --> 00:06:43,337 Icantteh if that's hot or not. 177 00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:45,447 Not hot. Eggshell in my bra is not hot. 178 00:06:45,530 --> 00:06:46,990 Well, it's kinda hot. 179 00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:49,534 Boobs go in a bra. Up top. 180 00:06:50,368 --> 00:06:52,120 Whoo! My man. 181 00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,456 Well, it sounds like costume duty is going great. 182 00:06:54,539 --> 00:06:56,416 So great. We're having the best time. 183 00:06:56,499 --> 00:06:57,709 Right, Amy? I wish I was dead. 184 00:06:57,792 --> 00:06:58,793 Hmm. 185 00:06:58,877 --> 00:07:00,170 How's the unwinnable bet going? 186 00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:02,106 Well, on the one hand, I fell through the ceiling 187 00:07:02,130 --> 00:07:03,757 and onto a pencil, but on the other hand, 188 00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:05,467 I also badly bruised my brain. 189 00:07:05,550 --> 00:07:06,819 If you wanted to make a bet with holt, 190 00:07:06,843 --> 00:07:08,195 you should have made a bet you could win. 191 00:07:08,219 --> 00:07:09,679 Like who wears more denim jackets. 192 00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:11,348 That was one time. 193 00:07:11,514 --> 00:07:13,058 You guys never forget anything. 194 00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:14,619 You know, frankly, I'm a little surprised 195 00:07:14,643 --> 00:07:15,870 you don't think I can win this thing. 196 00:07:15,894 --> 00:07:17,534 You're always telling me how I'm the best. 197 00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:18,855 You're the best, Jake. 198 00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:21,024 Papen/vork delivery. 199 00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:22,359 You're the best, Jake. 200 00:07:23,026 --> 00:07:24,861 Boyle: Jake, you're the best. 201 00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:26,321 Thank you, Charles. 202 00:07:26,696 --> 00:07:28,198 Yeah, maybe it's just Charles. 203 00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:29,532 Jeffords: Look, Jake, 204 00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,534 iloveyouhkeyoute one of my daughters. Really? 205 00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:34,079 But it's not about you or how smart you are. 206 00:07:34,162 --> 00:07:35,372 It's about captain holt. 207 00:07:35,538 --> 00:07:36,873 The man's a genius. 208 00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:38,267 He's had your number at every turn. 209 00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:42,379 Well, not this day... Turn... time. 210 00:07:43,046 --> 00:07:45,256 Sorry, I'm pretty sure I had a concussion back there. 211 00:07:45,382 --> 00:07:46,591 Here I come. All right. 212 00:07:46,716 --> 00:07:48,510 Oh, strong. 213 00:07:51,054 --> 00:07:53,974 Diaz: Okay, here's the first set of royal babies I rounded up. 214 00:07:54,057 --> 00:07:55,225 Popular costume. 215 00:07:55,350 --> 00:07:56,619 Any of these guys look familiar? 216 00:07:56,643 --> 00:07:59,813 Maybe the third guy. The baby who mugged me was pretty short. 217 00:07:59,896 --> 00:08:01,064 (Diaz laughs) 218 00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:02,416 You're not supposed to laugh at me. 219 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,943 Number three, step forward and say, 220 00:08:05,026 --> 00:08:07,153 "give me your money, you stupid bag of crap." 221 00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:09,406 Gimme your money, you stupid bag of crap. 222 00:08:09,531 --> 00:08:10,865 No, wrong giant baby. 223 00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:14,119 I still want to know why you got kicked out of catholic school. 224 00:08:14,202 --> 00:08:15,412 Were you doing drugs? 225 00:08:15,537 --> 00:08:16,705 Worse. 226 00:08:16,788 --> 00:08:18,123 Selling drugs? 227 00:08:18,206 --> 00:08:19,290 Worse. 228 00:08:19,374 --> 00:08:20,875 How bad could it have been? 229 00:08:21,793 --> 00:08:23,003 Did you burn down a church? 230 00:08:24,629 --> 00:08:28,341 Number three, step forward and say the word "worse." 231 00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:30,218 Worse. 232 00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:33,972 Excuse me, Gina. I can't find peralta anywhere, 233 00:08:34,055 --> 00:08:36,075 and you're the only one who can decipher his handwriting. 234 00:08:36,099 --> 00:08:38,685 He arrested that bunny, but I don't know what for. 235 00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:41,938 He's either a crispy mother werewolf, 236 00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:44,441 or cowboy mustard, Oslo, Norway. 237 00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:45,859 Hmm. 238 00:08:45,942 --> 00:08:48,820 The bunny groped multiple women on the subway. 239 00:08:49,404 --> 00:08:51,448 Being able to read Jake's writing is a gift. 240 00:08:51,990 --> 00:08:53,616 A useless, useless gift. 241 00:08:54,743 --> 00:08:56,411 Excuse me one second. 242 00:08:58,371 --> 00:08:59,789 Nice costume, peralta. 243 00:09:00,749 --> 00:09:01,958 No peralta here. 244 00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:05,211 Just a normal janitor pushing trash around. 245 00:09:05,295 --> 00:09:06,713 Holt: Come out of there. 246 00:09:08,965 --> 00:09:10,133 Captain, hey. 247 00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:11,694 You really thought this was gonna work? 248 00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:12,886 Uh, it did work. 249 00:09:13,178 --> 00:09:16,347 This whole janitor gambit was designed to fail. 250 00:09:16,431 --> 00:09:17,640 It's just like in chess. 251 00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:20,518 Sometimes in order to win, you have to sacrifice your king. 252 00:09:20,602 --> 00:09:22,437 That's exactly how you lose in chess. 253 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:23,938 Have you ever played the game? Yeah. 254 00:09:24,022 --> 00:09:25,541 I used to play with my uncle Bob all the time, 255 00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:26,566 and he said I was great. 256 00:09:26,649 --> 00:09:28,818 This is a game of concentration, Jake. 257 00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:31,571 So focus your mind, and start shooting. 258 00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:37,535 Now you're a master ofchess, huh? 259 00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:39,788 He taught me how to shoot backgammon, too. 260 00:09:39,871 --> 00:09:40,955 I expected better of you. 261 00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:42,516 You could have at least created a diversion 262 00:09:42,540 --> 00:09:44,292 to distract me from your terrible costume. 263 00:09:44,375 --> 00:09:45,919 Uh, I'm not a dumb butt. 264 00:09:46,002 --> 00:09:47,337 I had a diversion planned. 265 00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:49,339 There was just a slight timing issue. 266 00:09:50,381 --> 00:09:51,633 Oh, my god! 267 00:09:51,716 --> 00:09:53,927 Get down, everyone! There's a big fire! 268 00:09:54,010 --> 00:09:55,654 Captain, you better head over there for, like, 269 00:09:55,678 --> 00:09:57,931 15 minutes and see what's going on with that. 270 00:09:58,014 --> 00:10:00,308 Beware of the back draft. I'll be in your office. 271 00:10:03,686 --> 00:10:04,771 You have beautiful eyes. 272 00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:08,024 Have it your way. But you're gonna need this. 273 00:10:08,691 --> 00:10:10,110 And that. 274 00:10:11,027 --> 00:10:12,237 It's filthy in there. 275 00:10:15,156 --> 00:10:17,450 (Loud electronic dance music) 276 00:10:19,369 --> 00:10:20,912 Come on, Amy! Loosen up! 277 00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:22,247 You look like such a cop! 278 00:10:22,372 --> 00:10:24,833 Come on, have some fun, you know? 279 00:10:25,250 --> 00:10:27,127 It'll help you blend in! 280 00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:28,503 Whoo! 281 00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:31,047 Stop trying to get me to love Halloween. 282 00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:32,715 It'll never work. 283 00:10:32,799 --> 00:10:33,925 I'm backing it up. 284 00:10:34,008 --> 00:10:35,093 Oh, god, please don't. 285 00:10:36,553 --> 00:10:38,054 Hey, heads up. 286 00:10:38,555 --> 00:10:40,640 Boyle: I'll cut them off at the exit. Okay. 287 00:10:40,723 --> 00:10:42,100 Move, move, move! Move! Move, move! 288 00:10:43,268 --> 00:10:45,061 Santiago: He ditched the drugs. I'm on it. 289 00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:46,563 (Grunts) 290 00:10:46,729 --> 00:10:49,691 Ugh, everything is sticking to me. 291 00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:51,067 Ooh. 292 00:10:51,192 --> 00:10:54,154 Okay. Ugh. Yes. 293 00:10:54,237 --> 00:10:55,738 Man: Hey, watch out, man. 294 00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:56,906 Ah! What is that? 295 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,783 How is it hot and cold? 296 00:11:01,369 --> 00:11:04,372 So the soonest you can fix the ceiling is Monday? 297 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:12,755 I'm gonna have to call you back. 298 00:11:13,923 --> 00:11:15,258 Wait, stop scratching me. 299 00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:16,461 We're supposed to be a team. 300 00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:18,094 (Clears throat) 301 00:11:18,386 --> 00:11:19,721 Captain, hi. 302 00:11:19,846 --> 00:11:21,806 I was just photocopying some stuff. 303 00:11:21,890 --> 00:11:24,118 Are you trying to jam pigeons into my air-conditioning vent 304 00:11:24,142 --> 00:11:25,310 to flush me out of my office? 305 00:11:25,393 --> 00:11:27,020 Way to ruin the surprise. 306 00:11:27,103 --> 00:11:28,205 How did you get those birds? 307 00:11:28,229 --> 00:11:29,522 By using my big, fat brain. 308 00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:31,274 Get in the bag, you damn bird. 309 00:11:31,357 --> 00:11:32,817 Eat the bread. Eat the bread! 310 00:11:32,901 --> 00:11:34,235 I gotcha! I gotcha! 311 00:11:34,402 --> 00:11:37,197 All part of my elaborate plan to defeat you. 312 00:11:37,322 --> 00:11:41,034 So far, you and your big, fat brain are losing badly. 313 00:11:41,326 --> 00:11:43,828 Maybe, if we're talking about who's winning our bet. 314 00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:46,289 But if we're talking about who's holding more birds, 315 00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:48,082 I'm winning, four-nothing. 316 00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:50,043 You're only holding two. 317 00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:54,464 Ugh. (Clears throat) 318 00:11:57,091 --> 00:11:58,527 Ooh, when you were logging in the drugs, 319 00:11:58,551 --> 00:11:59,761 you missed some awesome stuff. 320 00:11:59,844 --> 00:12:04,098 A guy walked by in full astronaut costume, gave me a high five. 321 00:12:04,182 --> 00:12:05,683 He high-fived me, too. 322 00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:07,268 Wait. Hitchcock? 323 00:12:07,352 --> 00:12:08,353 Darn it. 324 00:12:08,436 --> 00:12:11,397 I wasn't supposed to talk, but I got so excited about that astronaut. 325 00:12:11,481 --> 00:12:12,607 What is happening? 326 00:12:12,690 --> 00:12:15,530 Amy paid me 50 bucks to trade places with her for the rest of the night. 327 00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,070 Yeah. Really? 328 00:12:17,153 --> 00:12:19,322 I'm gonna use that money to buy two suits. 329 00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:24,494 Well, I was gonna ask you to tell the captain 330 00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:26,621 that I brought in royal babies for Diaz, 331 00:12:26,704 --> 00:12:29,499 but I'm sure he already knows, since he's always one step ahead of me. 332 00:12:29,624 --> 00:12:32,210 Gina: Aw. Why so down, little clown? 333 00:12:32,293 --> 00:12:34,480 Peralta: I'm just sick of losing to holt. I want that medal. 334 00:12:34,504 --> 00:12:35,713 It's not real gold. 335 00:12:35,797 --> 00:12:38,258 I tried selling it online. Zero bids. 336 00:12:38,466 --> 00:12:40,510 But here's some advice I gave to the girls 337 00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:43,054 in my dance troupe at the dance till you drop tournament. 338 00:12:43,137 --> 00:12:45,974 That advice was, dance. Dance! 339 00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:48,059 Dance. 340 00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:50,270 Yeah, I'm not really sure that applies here, Gina. 341 00:12:50,353 --> 00:12:52,981 It does apply. It means don't give up. 342 00:12:53,147 --> 00:12:55,400 We would've won if Natasha's water hadn't broken. 343 00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:56,651 Oh, Natasha had her baby? 344 00:12:56,734 --> 00:12:57,860 You know Natasha? 345 00:12:57,944 --> 00:12:59,028 Yeah. Yeah. 346 00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:00,905 Her dog has lupus. Her dog has lupus. 347 00:13:00,989 --> 00:13:02,407 That's a trip. Small world. 348 00:13:02,490 --> 00:13:03,616 Yes. 349 00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:05,493 All right, I'm gonna go cry. 350 00:13:08,663 --> 00:13:10,415 I kind of feel bad for him. 351 00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:13,293 Holt: (On phone) Don't. He brought this on himself. 352 00:13:13,376 --> 00:13:14,669 You can hang up now. 353 00:13:17,672 --> 00:13:19,549 You paid money to get out of working with me? 354 00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:22,260 Charles, I had to. Tonight has been awful. 355 00:13:22,343 --> 00:13:25,555 Halloween is the worst, and I don't understand why you like it. 356 00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,432 No, all the things that you think are bad 357 00:13:27,515 --> 00:13:29,350 about Halloween are what make it great. 358 00:13:29,475 --> 00:13:30,852 The big kids egg you. 359 00:13:31,019 --> 00:13:33,980 Then you and your friends run away together. 360 00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:37,567 Friendships are forged in the crucible of Halloween adversity. 361 00:13:38,401 --> 00:13:39,819 That's all I wanted for us. 362 00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:43,656 You can keep the wig. I don't need it anymore. 363 00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:47,660 I don't really need it either. 364 00:13:49,579 --> 00:13:50,663 Peralta: Hey, captain holt, 365 00:13:50,747 --> 00:13:52,623 can you come out here for one sec? 366 00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:55,168 (Sighs) 367 00:14:00,882 --> 00:14:02,091 You need something, peralta? 368 00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:03,343 Yes, I do. 369 00:14:03,468 --> 00:14:05,178 Hit it, royal babies. 370 00:14:06,888 --> 00:14:08,348 (Dance music playing) 371 00:14:16,731 --> 00:14:17,732 What? No! 372 00:14:17,815 --> 00:14:19,108 Give me my keys. 373 00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:20,610 Will you stop catching me? 374 00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:22,820 Do you have any idea how much I spent on key chains? 375 00:14:23,112 --> 00:14:24,238 $23. 376 00:14:24,322 --> 00:14:26,074 Wow, that is unbelievably close. 377 00:14:26,157 --> 00:14:27,575 $22.76. 378 00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:29,786 Keys. Okay, look. 379 00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:31,579 Tonight has been a little humiliating. 380 00:14:31,662 --> 00:14:34,332 Things are not going well, so I'm gonnajust throw this out there. 381 00:14:34,624 --> 00:14:35,984 What do you say we call off the bet 382 00:14:36,042 --> 00:14:37,394 and pretend this whole thing never happened? 383 00:14:37,418 --> 00:14:38,645 Oh, I'm not letting you off the hook. 384 00:14:38,669 --> 00:14:40,088 What? No. (Scoffs) 385 00:14:40,171 --> 00:14:43,174 I meant to give you an out, so you could save face. 386 00:14:43,549 --> 00:14:45,468 This is getting sad. 387 00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:46,969 Yeah, for you. 388 00:14:48,346 --> 00:14:49,680 Jeffords: Ahem. So. 389 00:14:50,056 --> 00:14:51,933 I called your school. 390 00:14:52,308 --> 00:14:56,687 And I managed to get a hold of one sister Bernadette. 391 00:14:56,771 --> 00:14:59,065 I remember that old bag. She was my favorite. 392 00:14:59,148 --> 00:15:00,858 Well, guess what she said. 393 00:15:00,942 --> 00:15:02,985 Apparently, you were a model student 394 00:15:03,069 --> 00:15:04,987 and transferred of your own volition. 395 00:15:08,324 --> 00:15:09,492 Fine. 396 00:15:09,659 --> 00:15:10,844 The reason I left catholic school 397 00:15:10,868 --> 00:15:13,371 was because I got into the American ballet academy. 398 00:15:13,830 --> 00:15:15,665 I was a classical dancer. 399 00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:16,916 And I was good. 400 00:15:16,999 --> 00:15:18,084 I knew it! 401 00:15:18,167 --> 00:15:19,919 I knew you were a big softie. 402 00:15:20,169 --> 00:15:22,380 You tell anyone, I break your face. 403 00:15:25,508 --> 00:15:27,635 No, you won't. You're too sensitive. 404 00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:30,304 (Chuckung) 405 00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:33,182 Captain, sorry to interrupt. 406 00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:35,184 Some officers just arrested peralta. 407 00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:36,602 What? They caught him scaling 408 00:15:36,686 --> 00:15:38,813 the side of the building with a blowtorch. 409 00:15:39,021 --> 00:15:40,022 (Sighs) 410 00:15:42,692 --> 00:15:43,818 Captain. 411 00:15:44,235 --> 00:15:45,820 Welcome to the end game. 412 00:15:46,404 --> 00:15:49,407 Would you care to shake the hand of the man who defeated you? 413 00:15:49,490 --> 00:15:51,701 Forgot I was wearing handcuffs. Oh, that hurt. 414 00:15:52,577 --> 00:15:54,829 Whoo! (Laughing) 415 00:15:57,999 --> 00:16:00,811 Climbing the side of the building with a blowtorch. What were you thinking? 416 00:16:00,835 --> 00:16:02,587 I was thinking I had better core strength. 417 00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:04,213 I got winded, like, 10 feet up. 418 00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:05,590 I knew you wouldn't win the bet, 419 00:16:05,673 --> 00:16:07,401 but your performance tonight has made me question 420 00:16:07,425 --> 00:16:08,902 not only how good a detective you are, 421 00:16:08,926 --> 00:16:11,262 but, quite frankly, how smart you are. 422 00:16:11,345 --> 00:16:14,098 Well, that's not surprising. You constantly underestimate me. 423 00:16:14,182 --> 00:16:17,185 No, you've been correctly estimated. 424 00:16:17,268 --> 00:16:19,604 You have five minutes until your deadline, 425 00:16:19,687 --> 00:16:22,565 and here you are, handcuffed to a table, in a locked room. 426 00:16:22,899 --> 00:16:25,776 Which is precisely where I planned on being. 427 00:16:26,944 --> 00:16:28,738 Captain, let me tell you a little story. 428 00:16:28,863 --> 00:16:30,424 You remember when I fell through your ceiling? 429 00:16:30,448 --> 00:16:31,741 Yes, that was six hours ago. 430 00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:34,452 Itwas, I admit, a disastrous failure. 431 00:16:34,535 --> 00:16:36,829 But it gave me the idea for Herman, 432 00:16:36,913 --> 00:16:38,331 the friendly janitor you met. 433 00:16:38,456 --> 00:16:41,083 With Herman, I commenced the perfect crime. 434 00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:43,252 I caught you as Herman. 435 00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:45,254 But you didn't catch Rosa. 436 00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:47,173 Holt: Come out of there. 437 00:16:47,924 --> 00:16:51,511 Peralta: As it turns out, our friend, Rosa, is great at picking locks. 438 00:16:53,554 --> 00:16:54,639 Does not surprise me. 439 00:16:54,722 --> 00:16:55,848 No, me neither. 440 00:16:55,932 --> 00:16:57,993 Of course, I had to find a way to get her out of your office 441 00:16:58,017 --> 00:16:59,268 without you seeing her. 442 00:16:59,477 --> 00:17:01,187 So I created a diversion. 443 00:17:01,270 --> 00:17:03,314 Not mistimed, perfectly timed, 444 00:17:03,397 --> 00:17:05,149 so she could escape unseen. 445 00:17:06,150 --> 00:17:07,193 What about the pigeons? 446 00:17:07,318 --> 00:17:08,486 Oh, the gray pigeons? 447 00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:10,238 They were a red herring. Thank you. 448 00:17:10,321 --> 00:17:12,299 Their only purpose was to draw you into the copy room 449 00:17:12,323 --> 00:17:14,825 while two members of my team broke into your locked office. 450 00:17:14,909 --> 00:17:18,955 So now, I had a way into your office and an open cabinet. 451 00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:23,417 All that was left was for the royal babies to steal your keys. 452 00:17:23,501 --> 00:17:25,419 Yes, but you didn't need the keys. 453 00:17:25,503 --> 00:17:27,046 The cabinet was already unlocked. 454 00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:28,548 You needed a way into the safe. 455 00:17:28,673 --> 00:17:29,882 And I got it. 456 00:17:30,007 --> 00:17:31,967 You were so concerned with getting your keys back, 457 00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:34,345 you didn't even notice the sergeant steal your phone. 458 00:17:34,637 --> 00:17:37,098 That's right, even the sergeant is on my side. 459 00:17:37,181 --> 00:17:39,433 I then had Charles dust your screen cover for prints. 460 00:17:39,517 --> 00:17:42,812 The greasiest smudges revealed the four numbers you use the most. 461 00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:44,814 The four numbers in your pass code. 462 00:17:44,939 --> 00:17:46,315 Based on your advanced age, 463 00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:48,693 I assumed that you use the same pass code for everything. 464 00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:52,405 Your phone, your email, and, of course, your safe. 465 00:17:52,488 --> 00:17:54,490 That would be a fair assumption. 466 00:17:54,574 --> 00:17:56,260 It was at that point that I bumped into a girl 467 00:17:56,284 --> 00:17:59,287 dressed as a sexy robot, and we got our flirt on... hard. 468 00:18:02,707 --> 00:18:03,749 'Sup? 469 00:18:03,833 --> 00:18:05,835 'Sup? Jake peralta. 470 00:18:07,962 --> 00:18:09,356 And how was flirting part of the plan? 471 00:18:09,380 --> 00:18:11,215 Oh, it wasn't. It just ruled. 472 00:18:11,382 --> 00:18:12,925 And that brings us to five minutes ago, 473 00:18:13,009 --> 00:18:15,803 when Amy came to your office and told you that I had been arrested. 474 00:18:15,886 --> 00:18:17,281 I knew she's the only one you would believe, 475 00:18:17,305 --> 00:18:19,181 because, frankly, she's usually too lame 476 00:18:19,265 --> 00:18:20,745 to take part in these kinds of things. 477 00:18:20,891 --> 00:18:22,518 And as you walked over here, 478 00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:26,147 Charles awkwardly stuffed himself through your window and opened your safe. 479 00:18:26,230 --> 00:18:28,150 We had the four numbers of your code, which meant 480 00:18:28,190 --> 00:18:30,693 there were 24 possible combinations for Charles to try. 481 00:18:30,776 --> 00:18:32,129 That could take up to four minutes, 482 00:18:32,153 --> 00:18:34,280 which is why! Really dragged out this explanation. 483 00:18:34,530 --> 00:18:36,758 I mean, really stretched it. I don't know if you noticed, 484 00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:38,284 but there were times where I was like, 485 00:18:38,367 --> 00:18:40,494 what am I even talking about? This isn't... oh. 486 00:18:40,578 --> 00:18:41,996 (Watch beeps) 487 00:18:42,204 --> 00:18:44,457 But now, four minutes is up. 488 00:18:44,665 --> 00:18:48,169 Which means boyle is either on the other side of that door holding your medal, 489 00:18:48,252 --> 00:18:49,795 orpvelost 490 00:18:51,839 --> 00:18:53,883 well, captain, it seems that Jake 491 00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:56,677 isn't the only person you underestimate... 492 00:18:57,345 --> 00:19:00,890 20 seconds to spare. Game over, captain. 493 00:19:01,891 --> 00:19:02,975 Check me. 494 00:19:03,059 --> 00:19:04,202 I think you mean "checkmate." 495 00:19:04,226 --> 00:19:05,906 You really need to learn how to play chess. 496 00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:07,831 How did you get everyone to help you? 497 00:19:07,855 --> 00:19:10,191 I appealed to their sense of teamwork and camaraderie 498 00:19:10,274 --> 00:19:12,555 with a rousing speech that would put Shakespeare to shame. 499 00:19:12,693 --> 00:19:13,962 (In Scottish accent) For too long, 500 00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:16,656 we've been put down, ridiculed, 501 00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:18,449 made to wear ties! 502 00:19:18,532 --> 00:19:19,700 But no more! 503 00:19:19,950 --> 00:19:22,703 For today, we defeat him! 504 00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:25,539 And that worked? No. Oh, no. Not at all. 505 00:19:25,873 --> 00:19:27,750 My speech did not inspire them. 506 00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:28,876 Come on. 507 00:19:28,959 --> 00:19:30,002 So I bribed them. 508 00:19:30,086 --> 00:19:31,629 I told them that if we pulled this off, 509 00:19:31,712 --> 00:19:33,089 I would do all of their paperwork. 510 00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:35,341 And since you're doing all my paperwork... 511 00:19:35,549 --> 00:19:37,343 I'm impressed, peralta. 512 00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:39,136 Well done. 513 00:19:39,220 --> 00:19:40,680 Thank you, sir. 514 00:19:40,930 --> 00:19:43,516 In fact, the thing that you failed to see, captain, 515 00:19:43,599 --> 00:19:44,934 teamwork, is exactly... captain? 516 00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:47,019 What provided our success. Sir? 517 00:19:47,645 --> 00:19:49,146 He's not coming back. 518 00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:53,734 Jeffords: Boer, I need you in the briefing room. 519 00:19:58,155 --> 00:20:00,116 What is all this? 520 00:20:00,449 --> 00:20:02,094 You know how I think Halloween is forjerks? 521 00:20:02,118 --> 00:20:04,704 Well, this Halloween, I was the jerk. 522 00:20:04,829 --> 00:20:06,497 I'm sorry about tonight. 523 00:20:06,789 --> 00:20:08,040 "I'm sorry about tonight." 524 00:20:08,165 --> 00:20:10,710 We found the title for Santiago's follow-up sex tape. 525 00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:13,671 I'm sorry I couldn't convince you to love Halloween. 526 00:20:13,754 --> 00:20:15,840 It's not your fault. I was terrible. 527 00:20:15,923 --> 00:20:18,563 "It's not your fault I was terrible" is also one of your sex tapes. 528 00:20:19,844 --> 00:20:21,846 Halloween is unbearable. 529 00:20:22,304 --> 00:20:25,224 But it was slightly less unbearable with you. 530 00:20:25,433 --> 00:20:26,684 Okay. 531 00:20:27,184 --> 00:20:30,730 Anyway. We're all going to the bar, so get changed, 532 00:20:30,813 --> 00:20:32,440 'cause you can't be the only one there 533 00:20:32,523 --> 00:20:34,400 not wearing a 'stume. 534 00:20:34,483 --> 00:20:36,318 'Stume! Oh, my god. It caught on. 535 00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:38,112 All: No. 536 00:20:39,697 --> 00:20:42,992 Ah, captain holt. It is so nice to see you. 537 00:20:43,159 --> 00:20:44,577 Never thought I'd say that. Hmm. 538 00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:46,746 A poor winner. I never would've guessed. 539 00:20:46,829 --> 00:20:47,913 Yeah, you would've. 540 00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:49,766 Way to go all out on your costume, by the way. 541 00:20:49,790 --> 00:20:52,960 I believe you have an announcement to make, so the roor is yours. 542 00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:56,297 (Sighs) Attention, everyone. 543 00:20:57,214 --> 00:21:01,343 Jake peralta is an amazing detective/genius. 544 00:21:02,636 --> 00:21:05,598 Now, ifyou'ii excuse me, I have some paperwork to do. 545 00:21:08,017 --> 00:21:09,226 All right. 546 00:21:09,435 --> 00:21:11,479 Officer in the 92nd got the royal baby mugger. 547 00:21:11,687 --> 00:21:13,606 He had 19 wallets in his diaper. 548 00:21:13,773 --> 00:21:14,982 Officer: We got a runner! 549 00:21:17,151 --> 00:21:18,360 (Grunts) 550 00:21:18,444 --> 00:21:19,612 Damn! 551 00:21:21,155 --> 00:21:22,823 Oh, I didn't tell you. 552 00:21:22,907 --> 00:21:25,117 I got kicked out ofbahetschool 553 00:21:25,201 --> 00:21:27,578 for beating the crap out of ballerinas. 554 00:21:28,829 --> 00:21:31,123 It's a good thing we gave 'em a heads up. 555 00:21:31,332 --> 00:21:33,501 Team effort. Go, nine-nine.