(Spike) I can't bite. I can't even hit people.
Previously on “Buffy the Vampire Slayer“:
I've got information. About the soldiers you were fighting.
- I'm going. - Well, how long?
I don't know. The wolf is inside me all the time.
Until I figure out what that means, I shouldn't be around you.
- Yeah. That looks good. - I think it's not straight.
- One second. Almost finished. - Oh, right. OK.
- Yeah, just unhook it. - Then let me flip it over.
Thanks, Riley.
Looks good. Oh. Hey, Buffy.
- Is there something you wanna tell me? - What?
Oh... Yes. I am a lesbian.
Well, it's good you're so open about it.
Oh, hey. You know we were talking about having a picnic?
I was thinking, do you ever hang out at Ruggs' field?
It's beautiful there. Usually not that crowded, either.
I thought we could have a little spread - sandwiches, maybe some ants? It'd be fun.
- We were talking about having a picnic? - Oh.
So was that a conversation I actually had, or one I was just practising?
Practising?
OK, yes. I have been known to do a little prep work before our conversations.
It's not easy, you know, talking to you sometimes.
It's like an oral exam.
Boy! That's just what every girl longs to hear.
- Well, you're tricky! - Like an exam?
I never know how you're gonna react to something.
That's why I like you so much. You're a mystery.
Probably every beautiful girl has some jerk telling her she's a mystery, but...
...I swear, you really are.
There's a lot about you that needs puzzling out.
I lose you somewhere?
Right around "beautiful".
Say, don't you just love a picnic?
It's just different, you know? A picnic.
First of all, daylight. It's kind of a new venue, Buffywise. And the best part?
He said he would bring all the food, so all I have to do is show up and eat.
Those are two things I'm really good at.
- So he's nice? - Very, very.
And there's sparkage?
Yeah. He's...
Have you seen his arms? Those are... good arms to have.
I really like him. I do.
But?
I don't know.
I really like being around him, you know? And I think he cares about me.
But I just feel like something's missing.
He's not making you miserable?
Exactly.
Riley seems so solid.
Like he wouldn't cause me heartache.
Get out. Get out while there's still time.
I know. I have to get away from that bad-boy thing.
There's no good there.
Seeing Angel in LA, even for five minutes...
Hello to the pain.
The pain is not a friend.
But I can't help thinking, isn't that where the fire comes from?
Can a nice, safe relationship be that intense?
I know it's nuts, but part of me believes that...
...real love and passion have to go hand in hand with pain and fighting.
I wonder where I get that from.
So, you saw their faces but you can't describe them.
Well... they were human. Two eyes each, kind of in the middle.
Uh-huh. And the lab?
Underground.
I came out through an air vent. I don't know exactly where.
I'm done. Put the telly on.
It's about time. Hope you got it warm enough.
I don't know why you're so dainty suddenly. You've done this for Angel. You must have.
- OK. - Hey! Give it!
That's it. The invalid-amnesiac routine is over.
The kitchen is closed until you tell me something useful.
I'm trying to remember. It was very traumatic.
- How long are you gonna pull this crap? - How long will I live if I tell you?
Spike, we have no intention of killing a harmless creature...
...but we have to know what's been done to you.
We can't let you go until we're sure you're impotent, or...
- Hey! - Sorry, poor choice of words.
- Until we know that you're... - Flaccid?
- You are one step away, missy. - Giles, help! He's gonna scold me.
You know what?
I don't think you want us to let you go.
- Maybe we made it a little too comfy for ya. - Comfy?
I'm chained in a bathtub drinking pig's blood from a novelty mug.
- Doesn't rate huge in the Zagat's guide. - You want something nicer?
Look at my poor neck...
...all bare and tender and exposed.
All that blood just pumping away.
- Oh, please. - Giles, make her stop.
If those two don't kill each other, I might lend a hand.
What about a truth spell?
I'm not positive it would work on a vampire, but we could try. Make him 'fess up?
A truth spell, of course. Why didn't I think of that?
Cos you had your hands full with the undead English patient?
- Yes, worth a go. - Looks pretty simple.
- I'll stop by the magic shop tomorrow. - Excellent.
All right. I'll be back in the morning with doughnuts and motherwort.
- Bye, Buffy! I'll see you at home. - Bye!
Great. Thank you, Willow.
Willow may have had a very helpful idea.
She seems to be coping better with Oz's departure, don't you think?
She still has a way to go, but, yeah, I think she's dealing.
What, are you people blind? She's hanging on by a thread.
Any ninny could see that.
(Willow) Devon said that he sent for his stuff.
I guess this means he's planning on settling down somewhere... else.
Not here.
I guess so.
I feel like I've been split down the centre and half of me is lost.
I know. It feels like that now.
Oz is gone.
Come on, now! It's telly time!
(Buffy) This is Buffy and Willow. Please leave a message.
Oh. Er, Willow, it's Giles. Erm...
...I thought you were bringing the ingredients for that spell?
- I really have to... - Passions is on!
Timmy's down the bloody well.
- And if you make me miss it, I'll... - You'll do what? Lick me to death?
Look, er, Willow, I think we ought to try the spell.
Among other things, I'd like to shower sometime today. Alone.
- Driving? - Yeah.
You seriously drive for fun?
Well, not four-wheeling or anything, but yeah. Don't you?
Actually, no-wheeling is more my specialty. I'm an avid pedestrian, though.
You're kidding, right? I mean, you know how to drive?
Well, I took the class.
Cars and Buffy are, like, un-mixy things.
You just haven't had a good experience yet. You can have the best time in a car.
It's not about getting somewhere. You have to take your time.
Forget about everything. Just relax.
Let it wash over you. The air, the motion.
Just... let it roll.
We are talking about driving, right?
I thought I was.
I'm taking you. Some night when it's warm. Up past the vineyards.
- It's gonna change everything for you. - I'm in.
Hey, Willow.
- Hey. - I interrupted.
You've got apples. My miss.
Wait.
Sit. There's plenty to go around.
- Did something happen? Something wrong? - No. Everything's fine. The same.
Oh.
Your apples are turning brown, the way they do.
Yeah, I guess they do that.
Yeah.
Yeah...
Jeez! You mean Oz just sent for his stuff and didn't even call her? That's pretty harsh.
I wish I had my powers back. I'd liquefy his entrails for her.
That's sweet.
God, poor Will. No wonder she's...
...having a wonderful time.
Wow! Way to rebound!
I believe that's the dance of a Brave Little Toaster.
Hey, guys, come on. This music's great.
Nice to see you brought your boogie shoes, Will.
Yeah. You know, I know I've been sort of a party poop lately.
So I said to myself "Self," I said, "it's time to shake and shimmy it off."
- Sounds like a good policy. - Yeah! And it works, too.
You know, I just figure, in the grand scheme of things, we're all just...
Drunk?
"Drunk"... I mean, that's such a strong word.
Kind of a guttural, Anglo-Saxon word. "Drunk."
Will, not loving the drowning of the sorrows.
Not drowning, wading.
And see? Lite. No big.
No big'? Remember when Buffy had the fun beerfest and went One Million Years BC?
- Sadly, without the fuzzy bikini. - Off topic, Xander.
Right. Helping now.
Will, how about you give me that beer?
No. Why should I?
- I've got pain here. Big-time, legitimate pain. - We all have pain, Will.
Oh, like what? "Oh, poor me. I live in a basement." Yeah, that's dire.
- OK, that's it. I'm taking you home. - No, I don't want to.
Well, you'll thank me when you still have a friend in the morning.
I just can't stand feeling this way. I want it to be over.
It will. I promise. But it's gonna take time.
- Well, that's not good enough. - I know.
It's just how it is. You have to go through the pain.
Well, isn't there some way I can just make it go away, just cos I say so?
Can't I just make it go poof?
Hearken well, ye elements. I summon thee now.
Control the outside. Control within.
Land and sea, fire and wind.
Out of my passions, a web be spun.
From this eve forth, my will be done.
So mote it be.
It is my will that my heart be healed.
Now.
I will that this book speak its words to me.
I will that this Q-Tip gets... unbendy?
- (knock at door) - Come in.
Giles. What are you doing here?
I'm a bit concerned about you, actually.
- Did Buffy tell you about the beer? - Buffy didn't tell me anything.
Oh. Well, forget the beer part, then.
Happily. I came because we had an appointment the other day.
- Oh. Right, right. The truth spell. - Yes. Erm...
Willow, I know that you're going through a very difficult time.
- But shirking your responsibilities... - But I didn't shirk. I...
I did the research and... l... I picked up the motherwort.
I just forgot the doing-the-spell part.
- That isn't like you at all. - I know. I've been off.
I even tried to do a spell last night. To have my will done?
I was hoping it would make me feel better, but it just went kablooey.
A spell? It's not wise for you to do that alone right now. Your energy's too unfocused.
Well, that's not true. I said I was off, not incompetent.
You're grieving, so it might be wise to take a break from doing spells without supervision.
So I get punished cos I'm in pain?
- It's not punishment. I'm saying it because... - Oh, you care. Yeah. Everybody cares.
Nobody wants to be inconvenienced.
You all want me to take the time and go through the pain...
- ..as long as you don't have to hear about it. - Now that's not fair.
Isn't it? Cos I'm doing the best I can, and it doesn't seem to be enough for you guys.
- And I see how you could feel that way. I do... - No, you don't.
You say that you do, but you don't see anything.
Erm... Ooh, sorry.
Erm...
Sorry. Perhaps I'd better be going.
Let's... let's talk about this later.
Oh! I'm sorry. So sorry.
"Enemy, enemy, be now... quiet."
You know, not too keen about this spell stuff. Tends to be a bit unpredictable.
Yes. You might have thought about that sooner.
"Let your deceitful tongue be...
...be... broken."
Er... "Let no...
...untruths...
...be spoken."
(something drops)
Hey, what's that all about?
Hm? Oh, nothing. Just, you know, ash in my eye.
Well... I won't have you doing mojo on me if you can't read properly.
You could turn me into a stink beetle or whatall.
It would be a generous ending for you, Spike.
I mean, I'm going through something. I just don't see why he was getting down on me.
Giles just worries. Spells can be dangerous. It doesn't mean he thinks you're a bad witch.
- I am a bad witch. - No, you're a good witch.
I'm not kidding anyone. If I had any real power, I could've made Oz stay with me.
- You wouldn't have wanted him to stay... - I didn't dare to do the spell on Veruca.
And my "I will it so" spell went nowhere.
The only real witch here is fuzzy little Amy.
(squeaks)
- I think you're being too hard on yourself. - She has powers I can't even invoke.
I mean, first she's a perfectly normal girl...
...then poof, she's a rat.
I could never do something like that.
(phone rings)
Hello?
(sighs) I'll be right there.
- Spike escaped. - And you're going? Now?
Sorry, duty thing.
Well, I mean, what's the rush? Spike can't hurt anyone, right?
And I figured, since I'm kinda grievey, we could, you know, have a girl's night.
Eat sundaes and watch Steel Magnolias, and you can tell me at least I don't have diabetes.
I can't hang out with you until I get Spike back to Giles, you know that.
OK, I'll be back as soon as I can. I promise.
I don't see the big. He's probably just standing out there.
You'll find him in two seconds.
- Thought that was gonna take longer. - Me, too.
Must have got... turned around.
Hang on, this...
This is it. Wait...
No. Yes!
- What are you talking about? - The lab. Commando lab.
- The door was right here where I escaped. - I don't think so.
Open up! I'm gonna kill you!
- Spike, there's nothing there. - Let me in!
- Fix me. - OK, drop the act.
- Get off! - OK, that's it, I'm gonna gag you.
Hey! Watch it!
- One more word out of you, and I swear... - Swear what?
You won't do anything to me. You don't have the stones.
Oh, I got the stones. I got a whole bunch of... stones.
Yeah? You're all talk.
Giles! I accidentally killed Spike. That's OK, right?
Er... just a minute.
I mean, I'm going through something.
You'd think, every once in a while, Buffy would make best friends a priority.
Will, it's not like she could just let Spike go.
I get this spell reversed, they'll be finding your body for weeks.
Oh, make a move. Please.
I'm dying for a good slay.
Spike's more important than me. I get it.
Buffy's gotta find out about those commandos. Right now she needs Spike.
Well, fine. Why doesn't she just go marry him?
If the two of you could remain civil long enough to...
It's just so sudden. I don't know what to say.
Just say yes, and make me the happiest man on earth.
Oh, Spike. Of course it's yes!
Giles! You'll never believe what's happened!
- It's just not fair! - Will, I know it's hard to see it right now...
...but everything you feel is because of Oz.
Not because of Buffy and me or anybody.
But you'll meet somebody else, and it'll be better.
Yeah. Cos most relationships are great and trouble-free.
I don't think so. I think we're all doomed to badness.
- We're not doomed. - Oh, yeah? Let's look at your bio.
Insect Lady, Mummy Girl, Anya. You're a demon magnet.
I was just trying to help.
Willow, it's me.
Something's happened. I need your help.
I can't see very well. Everything's blurred.
I'm certain it's a spell of some kind, because...
...well, it seems something else is going wrong.
Here you go. 98.6.
Horribly wrong.
There's so much to decide. Ceremony, guests, reception.
Well, first thing I'd say, we're not having a church wedding.
How about a daytime ceremony in the park?
Fabulous. Enjoy your honeymoon with the Big Pile of Dust.
Under the trees. Indirect sunlight only.
A spring breeze tosses the leaves aside...
...and again, you're registering as Mr and Mrs Big Pile of Dust.
Stop it! This is our wedding and you're treating it like a big joke!
Oh, pouty!
Look at that lip. Gonna get it.
Gonna get it!
Oh, stop!
Yes, please stop.
- Giles, did you see my ring? - Thankfully, not very well.
I'm not crazy, and I know that you probably don't approve.
And my father's not that far away. I mean, he could...
But this day is about family, my real family.
And I would like you to be the one to give me away.
Oh, Buffy!
That's... that's so...
Oh! For God's sake! This is nonsense.
Something is making you act this way. Don't you realise what you're doing?
Living the dream.
He's gonna have to take time to get used to it, pet.
They all will. But you guys weren't crazy about Angel at first.
You weren't gonna say that name.
Sorry. Why don't we talk about where we're gonna register?
Where would Angel register? Can we have the photographer Angel would want?
- And flowers Angel would have liked? - Hey!
You think I don't live with the shadow of Drusilla over my head?
That I'm not wondering if you're gonna be thinking of her on our honeymoon...
...when you're making sweet love to me?
Giles, are you OK?
I rather think not.
I seem to be rather...
...rather blind. Completely, in fact.
What? How could this happen?
- A spell, I believe. - Well, we'll fix it. Don't worry.
What you want is a general reversal spell. We're gonna need supplies.
Are you helping me?
Well, it's almost like you're my father-in-law, ain't it?
See? This is how it's gonna be.
Spike'll even take care of you while I'm at the magic shop.
From now on, we're a family.
It's all right. I have more Scotch.
Hey, Buffy-
- What's up? - Riley, look. Aren't they beautiful?
Uh... yeah, they're nice.
A little dressy maybe, for school, but...
- Riley. - Buffy?
I really like you.
I hope you know that you mean a lot to me, and if things were different...
Different than what?
I want you to promise me that we can always be friends.
And I'd really like you to be there on the day.
- The day when... - The wedding!
- The wedding. What wedding? - My wedding!
I'm getting married. Can you believe it?
- I don't think no is a strong enough word. - I know! It's crazy!
I mean, we fought for all these years and then...
Sometimes you just look at someone...
- ..and you know, you know? - No.
I think maybe we fought because we couldn't admit how we really felt about each other.
- Can we start again? - You'll really like him.
- Well, nobody really likes him. - I need to clear a few things up.
- I don't even really like him. - Buffy.
But I love him. I do.
- Who? - What?
- What's his name? - Who?
- The groom. - Spike.
- That's a name? - Don't be mad.
- I'm not mad. - No, you are mad!
No, I am. I really...
Wow. Who is this guy? Does he go here?
- Spike? Oh, no, he's totally old! - Old.
- Well, not as old as my last boyfriend was. - OK.
It's late, and I'm... I'm very tired now...
...so I'm just gonna go far away and be... away.
- But... - No. Stay.
You're ruining my happy day.
That's OK, Mom. We don't need any more snacks.
- I liked those Fruit Roll-Ups. - Sh. I thought she'd never clear out.
Besides, just think of my lips as the Fruit Roll-Ups of love.
OK, that was gross.
I'm a little distracted. Willow was really upset.
I shouldn't have let her go away mad.
- Regaining focus. - We just got rid of your mom.
Let's not bring Willow into this.
It's time for just the two of us.
No, no, it's the Pargo demon. Drowning is the only way to kill it.
What the hell is going on?
(Buffy hums “The Wedding March“)
So the plan is to cure my total, incapacitating blindness tomorrow, is it?
They were out of tagis root at the magic shop. They'll have more tomorrow. I'm on top of it.
- Aren't they a perfect little us? - I don't like him. He's insipid. Clearly human.
Ooh, red paint. We could smear a little on the mouth? The blood of the innocent.
That's my girl.
Stop that right now! I can hear the smacking.
Honey, we need to talk about the invitations.
Now, do you wanna be "William the Bloody" or just "Spike"?
Cos either way, it's gonna look majorly weird.
Whereas the name Buffy gives it that touch of classic elegance.
- What's wrong with Buffy? - Such a good question.
- It's a terrible name. - My mother gave me that name.
- Your mother. Yeah, she's a genius. - Don't you start in on my mother.
Board up the windows and barricade the doors.
- What's going on? - Demons. They keep coming and coming.
I think we lost them, but I couldn't see. Spike! He's all untied!
Which you probably noticed.
Calm down. If you lost them, that'll give us time to figure this out.
Maybe the demons have something to do with Giles being blind.
Giles is blind?
Stop whatever you're doing. You smell like Fruit Roll-Ups.
This is the crack team that foils my every plan? I am deeply shamed.
Spike's right. We really should get organised.
Why are you holding hands?
They have to hear it sooner or later.
Spike and I are getting married!
How? What?
- How? - Three excellent questions.
What are you looking at?
The man I love.
Can I be blind, too?
Wait. "Married"...
I know something. What is it?
Everything's so familiar. Work, brain, work!
Oh! Oh, oh! Willow!
Mm. What about Willow? Honey, get off.
Something about Willow and her griefy, "poor me" mood swings. So, so tired of it.
I don't have to be nice about her any more?
We're all tired of it, but what does it matter?
She told me I was a demon magnet and you two should get married.
- And that I didn't see anything. - She did a spell.
Yes. To have her will done. Whatever she says is coming true.
You both were affected. I probably only escaped because I'm the Slayer.
Some kind of natural immunity.
Right. You're marrying Spike because you're so right for each other.
- Xander! - That's it. You're off the usher list.
Willow is out there. She probably doesn't know what she's doing.
- We gotta find her. - Before somebody gets really hurt.
- Why does he have to come? - Spike will be my husband. I want him here.
I agree with Xander. It's work for people who aren't us.
Spike, these are my friends. Besides, it's my job.
- For now. - What? You want me to stop working?
Do I want you to give up killing my friends? I've given it some thought.
- This was burned. - D'Hoffryn.
- Bastard. He's opened a portal here. - Who?
Ooh! Fluffy. Wear this to the rehearsal dinner and the whole thing's off.
Shut up, honey.
D'Hoffryn. He made me a demon 1120 years ago.
- Why would he attack Willow? - I don't believe he did.
You have much anger and pain.
Your magic is strong, but your pain... it's like a scream that pierces dimensional walls.
We heard your call.
I'm sorry. I'll try for a quiet rage.
Bye.
Our intention is not to quash your potential. Quite the contrary.
I'd been dumped, I was miserable, doing a few vengeance spells.
- Boils on the penis, nothing fancy. - Please skip ahead.
D'Hoffryn got wind of me. He offered to elevate me.
- Meaning? - They made me a demon.
Oh, God. Willow. But you can summon him from his crypt and make him stop?
- Isn't this a perfect place for pictures? - I'm not posing for chuff all.
- (growling) - Hey. Demon.
OK, listen. Now we're gonna do this without destroying the foliage.
Let's go!
(Buffy) Spike!
Blessed be the name of D'Hoffryn.
Let this space be now a gateway to the world of Arashmahar, where demons respond.
The pain and suffering you brought upon those you love has been inspired.
You are ready to join us here in Arashmahar.
Pain? What pain?
- Buffy! - Not doing well here.
We come in supplication.
We bend as the reed in the flow of, uh...
No, wait. We come in the flow of... Argh!
Blessed be the name of D'Hoffryn.
They're strong and I can't fight. If they get in, I don't know if I can protect you.
- You think you have to protect me? - Oh, not with the Girl Power bit!
Oh, God! But I didn't mean to!
But you did. This is the result of your power.
You will make a fine vengeance demon.
No, please! You have to help them.
It is not my concern.
You are my interest in this matter.
Really... no offence intended...
I mean, you've been super-nice and everything, but I don't wanna be a demon.
I just wanna go back and help my friends.
- That is your answer? - It is.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Oh, well. Here is my talisman.
You change your mind, give us a chant.
Honey!
Oh, Spike, are you OK?
Slayer.
A little help here!
Let the healing power begin.
Let my will be safe again.
As these words of peace are spoken, let this harmful spell be broken.
- Urgh! - Oh! Bloody hell!
Spike lips! Lips of Spike!
Hi, guys.
How long are you going to keep making these?
Oh, until I don't feel so horribly guilty.
I figure, about a million chips from now.
Also, I have to detail Giles's car.
- Time. - Aha.
- Five past two. Clear as day. - Look, cookies.
A very not-evil thing I did. Oatmeal?
Yes, very funny. They're chocolate chip. I can see them.
I still need my glasses, though. You could be more specific and give me 20/20.
Eat a cookie, ease my pain?
Mm. Better?
Well, baking lifts about 30 per cent of my guilt, but only 7 per cent of my inner turmoil.
- Guess that'll just take a while. - It'll happen.
- Don't I get a cookie? - No.
Well, I gotta have something.
- I still have Buffy taste in my mouth. - You're a pig, Spike.
Yeah? Well, I'm not the one who wanted "Wind Beneath My Wings" for the first dance.
That was the spell.
Did I mention about the sorry part?
We may be into a forgetting spell later.
I loved him. We were betrothed.
Well, at least you were getting along.
But we weren't. It wasn't even nice. And the bad-boy thing? Over it.
OK, I totally get it. I'd be really happy to be in a nice relationship with a decent, reliable...
- Oh, my God! Riley thinks I'm engaged. - What?
Riley! He saw me. What the hell am I gonna say to him?
- You thought I was serious? - Well, no...
- You weren't serious? - Oh, God, please!
- I'm marrying a guy named Spike? - Maybe.
We haven't known each other that long.
No, I saw that fear in your eyes when you caught me looking at wedding dresses.
- I had to give you a hard time. - I did not have fear in my eyes.
Yes, you did. You were looking at me like I was a cartoon ball and chain.
So you decided to tell me you were getting married?
Uh-huh.
- So... you're insane? - Uh-huh.
But you're still single?
Yes.
OK, then. Just another little piece of the Buffy puzzle.
You really have a lot to learn about women, Riley.
You're gonna teach me.
Subtitles by Visiontext
Urgh! Argh!
ENGLISH SDH