Previously on “Buffy the Vampire Slayer“:
Nobody knows who I am. Not the real me.
No one understands.
No one has an older sister who's a slayer.
I know it's always been this way. She's the baby.
But, for some reason, lately it's just really getting to me.
Well, yeah. You're, like, her idol, Buffy.
- What are you doing? - Leave me alone.
I will after you come back inside the house.
- Let go of me! - No, it's not safe out here!
Anya!
This head wound looks bad. We better get her to a hospital.
I wish I had some food to offer you guys, but the hotplate's out of commission.
We think the cat peed on it.
I do have SpaghettiOs. Set 'em on the dryer and you're a cycle from lukewarm goodness.
I, uh, had dryer food for lunch.
Guess the folks are back.
No, no, I was wrong. Just incompetent burglars.
Yeah, it's definitely time to look for a new place.
Something a little nicer. Buffy, you've been to Hell. They have one-bedrooms, right?
Hey, Buffy, how's that book? Full of zippy dates and zesty names?
I'm fine.
Hey! I'm enjoying the studying.
Who are you lately? Give it up and watch the movie.
It has been a long day with the Crusades.
I could take a break from the violence for some... Oh! Fighting.
If you really want, we can fight you as well.
Incompetently-dubbed kung fu. Our most valuable Chinese import.
Much more durable than their hotplates.
Here. Just relax.
Mmm...
Mmm. That feels good.
Ow! What are you doing?
I have a dislocated shoulder! I'm trying to concentrate on the kicking movie.
Hey! Rubbing went away.
Oh. Sorry. I got caught up in the action.
Yeah. It was pretty good.
Oh, give me a break!
This is wrong. First you'd give the big guy a flying kick.
Then take out all the little ones - bam, bam.
See? Now with the flying kick. From a dead stop. What's powering it - raw enthusiasm?
Hey, Buff, you oughta leave the work behind sometimes. You're not always on slayer duty.
It would drive you crazy if this were an army movie
and they were all saluting backwards and invading all willy-nilly.
And anyway, you can't blame me for being critical.
Willow's the same way when we watch a movie about witches, right, Xander?
Oh, yeah. She's all like "What's that, a cauldron? Who uses a cauldron any more?"
The last step in thy forging is my pain.
The price with which I purchase the death of the Slayer.
Aargh!
If you get the apartment, we'll walk down this hall and say
"La la! I'm on my way to Xander's."
- Xander, I probably won't be doing that. - Really? I will.
We're just looking. Rent's high so don't get your hopes carbonated.
- But you have references. - No, I have Albert,
which is me doing an important voice.
Xander Harris? An excellent tenant. And a very nice-looking fellow.
Whoa! Big!
It's nice. And not subterranean.
It's very... above-terranean.
I want it. Pay anything.
Xander Harris?
Uh, no, Riley Finn. This is Xander.
- Hey. - Ah.
- I brought my friends. - I see.
- They wouldn't always be around. - But we're clean and quiet.
We can have the Scooby meetings here. Giles can explain the boring things over there.
Oh, there's a microwave! It would be like having hot and cold running popcorn.
Phone and electricity are hooked up.
There's a private balcony, ceiling fan, closet space.
And that's the bedroom.
Guys, you can't save it for the bedroom?
OK, good point.
- I brought an application for you to fill out. - An application?
I can't just tell you my references? Because there's Albert.
We run your credit check based on the application.
Oh! Credit check.
Little check on the credit. See how credible my cheques are.
And we'll be asking for first, last, security and a small cleaning deposit.
The total's at the bottom of the sheet there.
He'll take it. Xander, go get the furniture. I'll wait here.
He's living in his drunken parents' basement where something urinated on the hotplate.
Can we talk quietly over there? Excuse us.
We, um... We like the ceiling fan.
Yes. It's very, you know, kind of Old South.
Without the unpleasant slavery associations.
But why can't we have it?
I told you. My construction job is ending and I won't have any more money coming in.
And by the way, you do have your own place.
So when I visit you, I have to be in that awful basement?
Not for ever. Just until things come together.
Which is when, Xander? Cos right now, things look pretty untogether.
- You can't expect me to wait around for... - Quiet, please, Anya.
What is this? What's going on with you?
What's going on with me is my arm hurts and I'm tired
and I don't really feel like taking a tour of beautiful things I can't have!
I guess I'll just start on that application. I think you'll like it.
I've been told I have lovely penmanship.
"Miscellaneous curses".
Brilliant. I'll be lucky if I don't curse my hands off at the wrist.
Oh!
The Slayer is not here.
Rabbit's foot - no, wait.
That is a fertility god. Feeble man, you are not likely to strike...
You are not the Slayer.
You do not concern me.
Like this... and this... and this...
That's pretty heavy.
That's Oofdar, Goddess of Childbirth. She's got some nice heft to her.
- How badly did you hurt him? - Well, "hurt"... Maybe not "hurt".
Well, I'm sure he was startled.
Yes, yes. I'd imagine it gave him rather a turn.
He ran away, huh?
Sort of more... turned and swept out majestically, I suppose.
He said I didn't concern him.
So a mythic triumph over a completely indifferent foe.
Well, I'm not dead or unconscious, so I say bravo for me.
Some good demons in this one. See if your guy's in here.
So you bought the magic shop and you were attacked before it opened.
Who's up for a chorus of the "We Told You So" symphony?
Owning this place does seem kinda dangerous.
- Toth. - What?
He called you a toth. It's a British expression. It means, like, moron.
No. Toth is the name of the demon.
Be careful with that.
Ancient demon. Very strong. Last survivor of the Tothric clan.
It also says for a demon he's unusually sophisticated.
Sophisticated? So I should discuss men's fashions with him before I chop his head off?
They're referring to the fact that he does not fight barehanded. He uses tools, devices.
He's also supposed to be very focused.
Since he mentioned the Slayer, we know what the focus is.
He mentioned Buffy? Where do we find him and how hard can I kill him?
There's no mention of the types of places he might frequent, but...
I have an idea.
He had a very specific olfactory presence.
Well, I guess we're off to the ol' factory. I hate that place.
I'm joking. I know what it means. He smelled. Right?
Some demon rituals involve anointing with oils.
Was it sort of sandalwoody?
Not even remotely. But he was very... distinctive.
The city dump. Where smells go to relax and be themselves.
People say they're recycling. They're not recycling.
I found a spell so you can't smell anything, but it does it by taking your nose off, so... no.
What are you doing here, Spike?
Oh, there's a nice lady vampire who set up a charming tearoom over the next pile of crap.
What do you think I'm doing? I'm scavenging.
Very pretty-
Spike, we're looking for a demon.
Tall, robed, skin sort of hanging off, deep voice.
You mean a great tall robey thing like that one?
- Take cover! - Big guy! Kick her ass!
Oh, very nice! I was on your side!
Watch out!
Hey. are you OK?
Buffy, he's gone.
- I'm fine. - Easy, easy.
He disappeared.
- That had to hurt. - Yeah, yeah.
Take it slowly.
Anya, you trying to use the hotplate again?
Uh-oh.
Anya? An?
Oh! OW!
Oh, my God!
What? No way!
Who is... me?
What am I doin' in there?
Buffy. Need Buffy.
No, it ate my quarter. Uh-huh.
But see, I'm having this aggressively bad day.
Oh! I found a quarter! I found a quarter!
Well, ma'am, for me it is worth getting excited about.
Come on, Buffy.
Hello?
They hung up.
If this guy wants to fight with weapons, I've got it covered from A to Z. From axe to...
zee other axe.
Relax.
Another day, another demon.
Right. It'll be good.
Hey.
My friend Sharon's brother knows a girl who died choking on her boyfriend's tongue.
- Go away, Dawn. - I'm not in your room. I'm in the hallway.
- The hallway doesn't belong to you. - Get out of here.
Mom, I can stand in the hallway, right?
She's watching us like a big freak!
This must be my "two teenage girls in the house" headache. It felt familiar.
Good work, Dawn. You gave her a headache.
I did not! Did I give you a headache, Mom?
- I'm sure part of it is Buffy's. - But part of it is Dawn's.
It's so nice you've learned to share.
You girls, sort this out yourselves. It's good for you.
She didn't say I couldn't stand here.
Very posh.
Oh, Slayer.
One of these days...
Hey, Harris!
- Harris! - Harris. Sorry. Yeah.
In my trailer, OK? I'm talking to all the guys. The job's winding down.
Right. I'll... be right there.
Welcome to payback, Mr Evil Plan Face Stealer.
You take my life, you get my being fired absolutely free.
Harris! Where's your hard hat?
Sit down.
- How long you worked here, Harris? - Huh? I'm not sure.
- About three months? - I guess, yeah.
And you haven't done much construction work before this?
I knew they were gonna notice that.
I have to tell you, that's surprising, cos your work here has been first-rate.
Now, we have another job lined up in Carlton when we finish here.
- You ever think about staying on full time? - What? Why isn't he firing me? Him.
I was thinking that I'd have you head up our interior carpentry crew. See how it goes.
- It's more responsibility, but the pay's better. - That'd be great!
A promotion? But I...
I mean, he didn't... Doesn't he see the shiny thing?
Congratulations, Harris. You and your girl should go out and celebrate.
I already have an idea how.
I was going to call you, Mr Harris, tell you your credit checked out fine. But...
I didn't think you'd be back.
"Mr Harris"? Yeah, right!
I'm sure you'll like the building.
I think someone said you're currently in your parents' basement?
Right. There comes a point where you either have to move on
or just buy yourself a Klingon costume and go with it.
Well, I hope you'll be happy here, Mr Harris.
- We're certainly happy to have you. - Thank you.
And if you need anything, day or night,
please, call me.
I'm leaving my home number here.
She's coming on to him. Me.
Call me.
Even for, you know, nonbusiness stuff.
Maybe we could... do something?
Please, lady. That is so not me. He's too clean, for one thing.
And his socks are all matchy, and...
Remember, any time.
Anya, you there?
Look, I know you're still mad.
I figure you're pretending you're not home but listening anyway.
Am not.
I have something to show you. Meet me at the apartment.
You know the one. Nine o'clock.
- I won't let you do this! - What's going on?
You can't do this to me!
Oh, man, I need Buffy.
No, no. He looked exactly like me.
It stole my face. We have to find it and we have to kill it.
She sees it's not me.
Please, Buffy, resist his spell.
Do this for me.
Don't worry, Xander. Whatever stole your face, it has to deal with the Slayer now.
Don't be scared, Will. Just listen.
It's me - Xander. And I can prove it.
Um... OK.
Let's see. Stuff only you and me know.
OK! On my seventh birthday,
I wanted a toy fire truck and I didn't get it, and you were real nice about it.
Then next door burnt down and real fire trucks came. I thought you set the fire for me.
And if you did, you can tell me.
Last year, I thought I was lactose-intolerant, but it was just some bad Brie.
Oh! Every Christmas we watch Charlie Brown together and I do the Snoopy dance.
Xander, stop dancing.
Aha! You called me Xander!
Xander, shut up! Why wouldn't I think you were Xander?
Oh. Huh!
What's goin' on?
OK. I woke up in the dump this morning.
Xander, the basement isn't a dump. It's more like a really nice hovel.
No. The dump. The city dump.
I got hit last night. Fall down - boom. Woke up this morning.
Nuh-uh. We walked you home last night, remember?
You walked?
Will, did I do anything weird?
Did I wave any shiny things around?
Shiny things? What are you talking about?
Last night, that wasn't me. There's a double out there.
Some "thing" has stolen my face,
and it's going around pretending to be me and it's hypnotising people.
It even got to Buffy, Giles and Riley. It's over there right now and they have no idea.
What intrigues me is there are many demons with the ability to mimic a simple form,
but this sounds like more than that.
Hold up. Do we really have to figure out what it is? Let's just go kill it.
Yeah. When the impostor's killed, the body'll probably turn back into whatever it really is.
Toth!
The demon with the creepy stick thing.
- Toth. - It's gotta be.
He hit Xander with that blast and it allowed him to take Xander's form.
- It could be what the creepy stick thing did. - Yes, I suppose.
Yes, it makes sense. A shape-shifting device.
It does make sense. It must be Toth.
It's a robot. An evil robot constructed from evil parts that look like me
designed to do evil.
Uh-huh. Or it's Toth.
Or... it's Toth.
I was gonna look for Toth anyway. Guess now I start looking for you.
Should I go with you? I told Anya to meet me at my new place.
I'd feel a whole lot better knowing she's safe from this creep.
Go be with her. If you were out there looking for the double too...
Let's just say that I wouldn't wanna run into you and kill the wrong one.
Good thinking. When you kill it, make sure you got the one who's actually...
A demon.
A demon has taken my life from me and he's living it better than I do.
Well, we're working on it. There has to be a way to get to Buffy to unhypnotise her.
I'll find a spell to snap her out of it.
Right. Whatever.
Xander, you sound a little...
You have to help me figure this out, you know.
But I never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me.
That's not true! Sometimes we all help to save you.
And sometimes you're not in trouble.
I'm just... another great humiliation.
And this time it's even worse.
This demon is, like, taking my life and everyone's treating him...
Everyone's treating him like a grown-up.
Will, I'm starting to feel like...
- Like what? - Like...
he's doing everything better.
He's smarter and... I don't know, maybe I should just let him have it.
- Take my life, please. - Xander, no!
You're just tired... and all soggy.
That's why it seems so hard. But you can't let him just take your whole existence.
Why not? It's not like I was doing anything so great with it.
When I get to the Pearly Gates, they won't go:
"Hey, what a kick-ass comic-book collection! Come on in!"
What have I got that's even worth...
- Anya. - You think he's after her?
She won't know. He can just...
No. No way. He can take anything, but he can't have her. I need her.
- Really? - He could be with her right now!
Figure out a spell. Something... reveal-y. I gotta find her.
Xander, you already knew he was taking over your life
and you didn't think about Anya till just now?
Hey, wait till you have an evil twin. See how you handle it.
I handled it fine.
Anya? An?
Meet me at the apartment. You know the one. Nine o'clock.
It's gotta be here. Where is it?
You're lying. It's a trick.
No. Trust me.
- You really got this apartment? - I really did. And do you know why?
The ceiling fans? They're very attractive.
No. It's because I knew you wanted it.
It's all for you.
Anya, you didn't see me today, did you?
I mean, we didn't talk?
What do you mean? I just got your phone message, that's all.
Good.
So,
what happens next?
Well, at some point we take off our clothes.
I mean, what happens next in our lives?
When do we get a car?
- A car? - And a boat.
No, wait, I don't mean a boat. I mean a puppy. Or a child. I have a list somewhere.
- What are you talking about? - Just... We have to get going.
I don't have time just to let these things happen.
- There's no hurry. - Yes, there is. There's a hurry, Xander.
I'm dying.
I may have as few as 50 years left.
50 years? What is this?
Oh, wait a minute. This is about this.
What about the sling?
You haven't been hurt like this since you became human.
Maybe it's finally hitting you what being human means.
No, that's not it.
Yes, I think it is.
You were gonna live for thousands of years.
And now you're gonna age and die.
- That must be terrifying. - You don't understand what it's like.
Being suddenly human? I think I can get what that would be like.
And we can get through it together.
You can't make it any different. I'm going to get old.
And you can't promise you'll be with me when I'm wrinkly
and my teeth are artificial and stuck into my wrinkly mouth with an adhesive.
No, I can't promise that.
But it doesn't sound terrible. And that's saying something.
I promise you, Anya. Very soon you won't be thinking about getting older.
- Get away from her! - Xander!
Xander?
Get out. You don't belong here.
Anya, it's me.
It's a demon. He stole my face. He's trying to trick you.
- Anya, you know I'm me, right? - No!
What is it? Make it go away.
So we split up?
Yeah. You check where he might go to blend in as Xander. I'll check where Toth might be.
I swear I know I had that locked.
- Buffy, Toth looks like Xander. - We already know. We're on our way.
Wait. How did you know about this?
He came to me. I mean Xander did. And he's in terrible shape. We need to help him.
- He came to us, too. - No. We each had a Xander.
I mean, you didn't have a Xander. You had a demon in a Xander suit.
What makes you so sure that yours is the right one?
He knew stuff. He did the Snoopy dance.
- Buffy, it was Xander and he needs us. - Oh, dear Lord.
Buffy, our Xander, did he seem a little...
He seemed kind of forceful and confident.
- That's not Xander. - I said "Oh, dear Lord".
- You always say that. - Well, it's always important!
Neither Xander is a demon.
- Is one of them a robot? - What? No.
The rod device, it's called a ferula-gemina.
It splits one person into half, distilling personality traits into two separate bodies.
As near as I can tell, Toth was attempting to split the Slayer into two different entities.
- Two Buffys? - Yes.
One with all the qualities in Buffy Summers, the other one with those in the Slayer alone.
The strength, the speed, the heritage.
When it hit Xander, I think it separated him into his strongest points and his weakest.
- But which one's the real one? - They're both Xander. Neither of them is evil.
There's nothing in them that Xander didn't already possess.
I still don't get the original plan. Why do it?
The slayer half would be like slayer concentrate - unkillable.
But the two halves can't exist without each other.
Kill the weaker Buffy half, and the slayer half dies.
So the same goes for the Xanders. We lose one, we lose them both.
He's the demon!
Or possibly a robot.
Look at me. Look in my eyes. Can't you see it's me?
- I don't know. - Please, look at him. Listen to him.
He's all smooth.
You have to know it's me!
Don't worry, Anya. I'll get rid of this thing.
I'm thinking this is gonna last about 15 seconds.
I'm thinkin' less.
No! Don't shoot him!
Can't this thing go any faster? "Ultimate driving machine", my ass.
We're pushing 70.
- Riley, do you wish...? - No.
No? You don't even know what I was gonna say.
Yes, I do. You wanted to know if I wished you got hit by the ferula-gemina, got split in two.
Well, you have been kind of rankly about the whole slayer gig.
Instead of having Slayer Buffy, you could have Buffy Buffy.
I have Buffy Buffy. Being the Slayer is part of who you are.
You keep thinking I don't get that, but...
It's just... I know how un-fun it can be.
The bad hours, frequent bruising, cranky monsters.
Buffy, if you led a perfectly normal life, you wouldn't be half as crazy as you are.
I gotta have that. I gotta have it all. I'm talkin' toes, elbows,
the whole bad ice-skating movie obsession, everything.
There's no part of you I'm not in love with.
We better get there soon. If Xander kills himself, he's dead.
You know what I mean.
Let go! I have to kill the demon-bot!
Anya, get out of the way.
- Xander! - It's all right, Buffy. I have him.
No, Buffy. I'm me! Help me.
My gun! He's got my gun.
- You own a gun? - Xander... Gun-holding Xander.
Give it to me.
Buffy, which one's real?
- I am. - No, I am.
Thank you.
Ow!
- Wild. - Yeah.
OK, Xander...s.
You've been split in two. But you're both Xander.
And you can't kill each other. Well, you could, but it would be really bad.
- No way. - He can't be me. He's all... fancy.
- We can prove you're both Xander. - Yeah. How?
- There has to be a way. - What number am I thinking of?
- I don't think that's gonna do it. - 11½.
Wrong. Oh, but see?
No. We're not the same. We're all different.
You have different properties, but you're both Xander.
- Different properties? - What different properties?
You know. Sense of direction, good night vision, stuff like that.
Oh, but he has a thing... in his pocket!
A shiny disc that stuns and disorients!
- What disc? - Cover your eyes!
- This? - It'll melt your brain!
Look.
It's a nickel someone flattened on the rail road track.
I found it on the construction site. I thought it was cool. It's not magic.
No, I...
Huh! It is kinda cool.
Washington's still there, but he's all smushy. And he may be Jefferson.
Isn't anyone gonna tell me why there are two Xanders?
I will on the way to Giles'. Let's go.
Oh, great. Rod Boy.
- I will not miss again, Slayer. - The gun! Pick up the gun pieces!
Hey, I just made a small cleaning deposit!
Sword!
Aaarghhh!
Oh, yeah. That cleaning deposit's gone.
I was thinkin' the same thing!
Hey, do you suppose we're both Xander?
Look...
and admire, ladies.
Look, there's a scar there, and there's the same one right there.
And it's all double. This zit, and this...
kinda funny dippy thing.
And this weird little hair that grows in the wrong way.
OK! Back off, ladies.
Psychologically, this is fascinating.
Doesn't it make everyone wanna lock them in separate rooms and experiment on them?
Just me, then.
So, you Xanders really do have all the same memories? All the same...
physical attributes?
We're completely identical.
Yeah, we checked out some stuff in the car on the way over.
Fingerprints.
Maybe we shouldn't do this reintegration thing right away.
See, I can take the boys home and we can all have sex together and then...
you know, just slap 'em back together in the morning.
- She's joking. - No, she's not!
She entirely wants to have sex with us together - which is wrong and...
and it would be very confusing.
We just need to arrange the candles.
Also, we should continue to pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk.
Check. Candles and pretence.
It's not like it'd be cheating. They're both Xander.
Hold on a sec. If you weren't putting a whammy on people with the shiny thing,
- how'd you get the promotion? - Well, I'm good at that stuff.
- I am? - Yeah.
- And how about that apartment manager? - How weird was it when she called me "Mr"?
We're ready. We should do it now.
- What'll we do if it doesn't work? - Kill us both, Spock.
They're kinda the same now.
Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself.
Hey, summon the goddess. Chant the chant. Let's do it.
Actually, it's not that hard. Your natural state is to be together.
Toth's spell is doing all the work of keeping you apart. I just have to break it.
So, you two stand right here.
Side by side. We don't want you to end up with two fronts, now, do we?
Are you sure you know how to do this?
Here we go. Brace yourselves.
Let the spell be ended.
You gotta be kidding. "Let the spell be ended"? That's not gonna work.
Oh!
I liked it the other way. Put 'em back.
Getting nostalgic?
I don't know. At first it's just a place, and then you start to make memories.
Then you're like... that's where Spike slept,
and there, that's where Anya and I drowned the Sepavro demon.
Oh! And right there, that's where I got my heart all ripped out.
I really hate this place.
Anya, I see you've joined the not-sling-wearing crowd.
Yes. I'm feeling better. And I anticipate many years before my death.
Excepting disease or airbag-failure.
That sounds nice.
Oh! Presents?
Not unless you want my collection of Babylon 5 commemorative plates.
Which you cannot have. I just thought you could help carry a little.
Me? Buffy has superstrength. Why don't we load her up like one of those little horses?
Anya. Please.
Fine. I'm just your slave.
How is it that she can always make me feel Suave Xander's left the building?
You two have your friction, but she digs the whole package. It's obvious.
Still, I do envy you sometimes. I mean, for the sanity.
Not that I'm still into Buffy. Not that I ever was.
Hey, I'm well aware of how lucky I am. Like... lottery lucky.
Buffy's like nobody else in the world. When I'm with her, it's like I'm split in two.
Half of me is just on fire, going crazy if I'm not touching her.
The other half is so still and peaceful.
Just perfectly content.
Just knows... this is the one.
But she doesn't love me.
Got something else for me to carry?
- You can help me pack this. - Sure.
Sure.
Doreen Trenerry
Urgh! Argh!
ENGLISH SDH