Previously on Californication...
I'm having a crisis of faith.
Put it simply, I can't write.
You have this incredible talent and you're flushing it down the toilet.
Maybe you're right. I'm fucked up right now.
- I need you, baby. - I'm getting married.
- Is Dad a bad person? - No, not at all.
I mean, he does have a habit of getting into trouble sometimes.
Fucking fucker!
Get on with your life, and forget about the woman you didn't wanna marry.
As your friend and agent,
may I suggest you start looking for a nice girl?
- What is your name, by the way? - Wouldn't you rather just fuck me?
I'm a scientologist, Hank.
So, you're this famous writer, huh?
This is Mia, Bill's daughter.
She's 16.
What happened the other night will never happen again.
I know you guys aren't gonna live happily ever after.
It's just nice to be together sometimes.
I wanna go back and do it all over again.
I'm gonna marry Bill.
- I wrote something. - You what?
Hank wrote a new book? Can I read it?
- t's not appropriate. - What did you write?
An older man unwittingly bed an underage girl.
I wrote this novel.
She wrote the book of the year.
Really?
If I say anything, there's no stopping her from telling Karen.
Fuck, the police!
If anyone knows of a reason why this couple should not wed,
speak now or forever hold your peace.
What?
- Wait! Hank! - You sure?
- Quick, before I change my mind. - Karen, wait! Come back!
Are you ready?
Fuck, no.
You are gonna be so glad you did this.
I don't wanna talk about it right now.
I got a God-like erection, seems a shame to waste it.
- We gotta get going. - Really?
You would deny a dying man his final meal?
Oh, my God.
You are going to milk this for all it's worth, aren't you?
Absolutely.
Don't make me beg, it's unseemly.
Fine.
- We'd better make it snappy. - You won't feel a thing, I promise.
- What are you doing? - Just assuming the posish.
Hot digidy.
- What are you doing? - Assuming my posish.
Get a rubber.
One more time, what's the big deal?
That's my point, exactly. I'll pull out and hose you down.
Is that supposed to turn me on?
- Maybe? - Hank... 59
- It didn't? - Not so much.
You better start talking dirty.
This could take a while.
- What do you want me to say? - Right before you come,
call me Bill.
Who says I'm gonna come?
A challenge.
Game on.
Get ready for Thor's hammer.
- You wanna see it? - See what?
The section of the vas def I just cut out.
Vas def-initely not.
If it feels like I'm sewing the flesh of the base of your penis back together,
that's because I am.
Why do you look like a welder? You're not welding anything, are you?
So, why the vasectomy?
I hate the rubbers.
Yeah, me too.
I can't feel a damn thing.
Try not to give the guy a hard-on.
That would be messy.
Looks like there's a new Pope.
Pain and swelling, totally normal.
A bag of frozen peas should do the trick. Some prefer anemone.
It's totally up to you.
No sex for 48 hours and that includes masturbation.
After that, the more the better.
Seriously.
You still got a lot of viable sperm up in there.
Gotta get it out somehow.
If you need any help, let me know.
Great-looking cock.
Thank you.
Don't think I don't see what's happening here.
What's that?
You're not attracted to me anymore.
That's right.
I ran away with you on my wedding night
because you just don't do it for me anymore.
See, on a purely chemical level,
you realize that I can't impregnate you anymore.
The biological imperative has been compromized.
You should consider yourself lucky that we are even having sex.
I do. I do, and it's been rad.
I forgot what a little hellcat you can be.
- No, please, don't do that. Seriously. - That was gross.
Man should not meow. Ever.
We're doing what couples do, Hank.
We're making responsible,
grown-up decisions together.
- Why are you smiling like that? - How am I smiling?
Like a retard.
This is nice to hear you refer to us as a couple again. It sounded good.
They really did neuter you, didn't they?
Kiss the eunuch.
- Honey! God, don't grind it. - I know, I'm so sorry.
How's the package?
It's not a conversation I ever wanted to have with my daughter,
but thanks for asking, sweetie.
She called.
She who?
That real estate whore.
She's bringing some people by.
Language, young lady.
Next time she tells me to clean my room, I'm gonna say,
"Clean this, lady"
and give her a titty twister.
As much as I'd like to see that,
the idea is to sell this place and get out of dodge.
If you tidied up your shrine to Norwegian death metal,
it might facilitate things a bit.
I don't wanna help sell the place, because I don't wanna move.
This is our home.
We're happy here.
I love L.A.
She's your daughter.
Hey, honey, not that I mind having this conversation
for the 73rd time,
but could we do it maybe when Daddy's balls don't ache so much?
And it's black metal, not Norwegian.
She needs more time.
Karen, we have discussed this like the responsible parents we are.
Hank, New York will always be there for us.
You agreed she'd be better off in NY.
But it doesn't mean we have the right to yank her away
- from the only life she knows. - God.
Dammit, I need a cigarette.
How about a Vicodin?
I like it then.
That'll do.
My poor little gelding.
That's mean.
Peas!
Or anemone.
Feels nice.
Make yourself at home.
Mi casa es su casa.
Might wanna start out at the patio, though.
Hey, big fellow. You think I might get my hands on some frozen veggies, there?
Think you should wait your fucking turn.
You.
Me.
- We... - Sure did. A couple of times, actually.
Long time ago.
In a galaxy not so far away.
So, what's going on?
Not much, I'm just, you know, in the market for some frozen peas.
Maybe some anemone.
Totally up to me.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, why? I'm fine.
- You seem like you're in pain. - No more than usual.
How are you doing?
Old same old. Living la vida loca.
True that. It's hard out there for a pimp.
So...
You wanna get high and listen to some...
records?
Oh, dear.
Would that I could but...
Big life changes since the last we met alone.
I got back together with the ex.
Baby mom.
So I...
That's too bad.
You were a great lay.
Well, that is...
so sweet of you to say.
I will tell the old lady you said so.
Be well, Hank.
You too.
Surfer girl.
What are you, some kind of pussy?
She would have totally fucked you.
- I don't do that anymore. - You should do that.
While you still can. You never know when you're gonna wind up in one of these.
Come on, you don't really need that thing.
I bet you just like to zip around. It makes you feel special.
Yeah? You ever hear of a prolapsed rectum?
Asshole.
Rectum?
Damn near killed him.
Yeah? No.
She was there when I left.
You, Becca.
In the car, now.
- Dad... - I'm not fucking around, now.
Give me that.
So who is this? Like your dad?
Go away.
I'm serious, I'll kill you.
The guy is kind of a dick.
Kind of?
I don't want her hanging out here.
What am I supposed to do? Kick her to the curb? She's my little sudo sister.
What is that?
It's not a memoire.
It's a written account of my sexual relationship with you.
Written by me, as a fucking novel.
Even I'm confused and I stole the damn thing.
Well I hope you're enjoying it.
I hope all my hard work is paying off for you. Is it?
It is, very much so.
Just as I hope you're enjoying my father's wife.
- He says "hi", by the way. - No, he doesn't.
Are you alright?
Here?
You're all alone.
Much as it warms the cockles to hear you say it...
I'm fine, don't worry about me.
Worry about the Becca, she's pissed off and she's scared.
Scared?
Think about it. She got what she always wanted.
The happy ending to beat all happy endings.
She's just waiting for the other shoe to drop. For you to fuck it up.
Or for Karen to realize she made a big mistake.
Both are bound to happen.
Goddammit, I need a cigarette.
Goodbye.
I know you're pissed at me.
I know your mother and I have done some unforgivable shit to you,
and I know you're approaching that age where the very thought
of having a conversation with your father makes you nauseous.
But I just wanted you to know that I'm not gonna quit trying. Okay?
'Cause you're the best thing that ever happened to me.
I love the shit outta you.
How's the balls?
The boys have seen better days, thank you.
Was that a laugh?
My pain is funny to you? Jesus, you're just like your mother.
You should know what that woman put me through. It is a hideous, barbaric...
Almost medieval procedure.
Hank buddy, you're preaching the choir, okay?
- I've been there. - You've been vasectomized?
Why do you think we don't have any little rugrats?
I guess I just always assumed you were barren.
Asshole.
- Be nice to my wounded soldier. - He started it.
- Or the bald eagle was shooting blanks. - That I am, my good man.
- Ever since the snip snip snip. - Well, the second one.
- You're gonna freak him out. - What 2nd one?
- The second what? - You know, it...
Sometimes, it doesn't take.
Doesn't take? That's not cool.
That's not cool at all. No, no. I did not have a perfectly good
chunk of my vas def cut off so I could go back
to wearing condoms like some pimply face teenager.
- I love the rubbers. - Why?
- What do you mean? - They slow me down, man.
- Keep me in the game. - Retard sensation.
- You know what I'm saying? - He's an excitable warm.
Are you intimating that he ejaculates prematurely?
- Nice, thank you. - Great.
Why would you guys want to go back
- to that disgusting city of yours? - Don't bring that up.
- It's because it's a city. - Come on, "this is a city".
So, yeah, this is Sonia, hey.
Awkward.
- Hey, Karen! - Hey, Sonia!
- Nice to see you again. - I found something that works better...
You mean to say that you found something better that a sudo religious
cult founded by a lunatic sci-fi hack?
- Do tell. - It's a little complicated over drinks.
Maybe lunch tomorrow? It's been too long.
- Sure. - Hold on a second.
I'm not sure I feel about 2 ladies with whom I've made love lunching together.
Okay. I'm pretty sure I feel pretty good about it.
It's cute. You guys are... You're officially back together?
For now, untill we fuck it up.
Could be any second now.
- Dude, Julien is a writer too. - Really? My condolences.
He wrote The Artist Within. Fucking genius.
- No way. - Check please.
Hank, that's rude.
- I'll send you guys a copy if you want. - No need.
I have it on my night stand right now. I love it.
Let me try to understand this.
Hold on a second, you write about what it's like to be an artist.
- Don't be a douche, Hank. - You ask the impossible, sweetheart.
It's fine, he's trying the negativity. It's normal.
What I write about
is accessing the artist
that exists inside of every single one of us.
That really works. I mean, I've never been happier.
My business has never been better.
In fact, I'm thinking about expanding. Bringing on an architect we should talk.
So you really believe that everybody on this planet
has an artist inside them?
Like an inner schnapple, if you will?
I do.
Which means you must consider yourself an artist.
I like to think of myself as more of a... creative midwife.
Well, I like to think of myself as having a 12-inch cock,
but it doesn't make it so.
Two inches shy.
Well, we have to get going, baby.
- Fashionable late is one thing. - Oh, right.
You know what? We're going to this party up in Laurel Canyon.
- You guys wanna come? - And in fucking up this house?
A party? Even us?
Fucking A, let's go.
- Really? - No, but have fun.
- Quit smoking. - Wow, lucky you.
No, I'm gonna pass.
- What did you give it up for lent? - No, I'm...
I'm pregnant. You didn't notice my bump?
Yeah, I did, I just thought you put on weight.
I'm kidding. Congratulations.
Thanks, thank you. Yeah, we're very happy.
Well done, lady.
Last time I saw you, you were boning at a gender at doggie style
and projectile vomitting all over Bill's bedroom.
A few things which I totally dug about you.
Was that me?
Don't ever change.
What the hell...
- What? - Shooting cock pain.
I gotta go. Good to see you.
My mama...
What the fuck!
I leave you alone for two seconds. You're not supposed to do that.
- Why not, daddy? - You know why not.
I know but...
Just look how nice they look.
- Pretty little maids all in a row. - You wanna go back to promises?
Don't you remember?
How good the sex used to be...
when I used to sprinkle it on your naughty bits?
I seem to recall something vaguely pleasant about the sensation, yes.
What do you know? You're without the "artist within"?
- You must be lonely. - You must be jealous.
That's kind of cute.
We gotta go.
Hank?
I am so...
touched by what you did for me today.
What I did for you today means that I can't do this or anything like this
- for the next 48 hours. - Oh, yeah.
There is more than one way to skin a cat.
I like you stoned.
Do you? I like you liking me stoned.
- Holy shit. - What?
- I think you're giving me a boner. - Well, that's great news.
It's great news. No, it is. I just... I'm afraid I might pop a stitch.
- Come here! - No, I wanna check it.
I'll be right back.
I don't want you to see him like this. It could be bloody.
What are you doing?
Assuming the posish.
Feel free to start without me.
Hey, you got a rubber?
I think I got the Ramses in my wallet from high school
- but I'm pretty sure it's expired. - Hand it over.
I was kidding.
Fuckin chick is insisting I...
- wear a rubber. - What is that about?
- It's not very Rock n' Roll. - Not at all.
If it's dark enough, you could rip open an Alka-seltzer.
- And bang her with it! - No, it just
It will create the illusion that you're wearing a jimmy hat.
David Coperfield does it.
Not on stage.
- Thanks, man. - No, I was kidding.
Hey, asshole!
Hello?
Karen?
- Anybody got an Alka-seltzer? - Lew!
This fucking perv just tried to mouthrape me.
What the fuck dude? You're a guest in my home and you go mouthrape...
- What's your name, sweetheart? - Destiny.
Felicity.
Come on. There was no raping.
I wasn't raping, I'm not a rapy kind of guy.
Karen, I was looking for you, there you are. God, tell 'em I'm not rapy.
I accidently went down on her.
What?
How do you accidently go down on someone?
Big house, lots of rooms.
It was dark, I went to the bathroom, I got turned around
and accidently went down on her.
I'll buy it.
Sell it to her.
So I seem to have procured a lubricate prophylactic.
I'll get the car.
I know, I smell like pussy.
I'm sorry Karen, I'm very sorry. It was an honest mistake.
You just had your mouth on another woman's vagina.
Yes I did. But the moment my tongue hit clit, I knew it wasn't yours.
It wasn't perfect.
I could pick your pussy out of a police line up of pussy.
I could. You know, if your pussy was ever arrested, God forbid,
and it had to be identified in some kind of a line up,
I would get it right away. "Pussy number two, step forward.
"Turn profile.
"That's Karen."
My God. I must have been fucking crazy thinking things could be different.
Fuck me!
Don't start saying things you can't take back.
I don't wanna take it back.
- Yes, you do. - No, I don't.
- You do. - Don't tell me what I mean.
- Good evening, sir, ma'am. - Good evening.
You know why I stopped you?
No I don't, sir. Educate me,
officer...
Dick? Really?
Officer Dick.
And that was mean by the way. That was really a low blow.
Coming from the "mouth rapist"?
You have a headlight out.
Yes, it's been that way for months. But tonight I get stopped,
of all nights. It's just my fucking luck.
'Cause this is all about luck. It hasn't...
Could we just sleep on this?
Is there a reason why you're not wearing a shirt, sir?
Yes, there is, officer.
There's a very good one and I couldn't even begin to explain.
Oh, no! Try.
Try see if he thinks it was an honest mistake.
Okay. One more time for the Cheap Seats.
What happened back there could've happened to anybody.
Wrong place, wrong time, wrong vagina.
Shut up!
- I'm sorry, he's been drinking. - What the fuck, Karen?
- Have you been drinking, sir? - Hours ago...
you know, but not to excess, I don't do that anymore.
I mean I do. But not nearly as often as I used to.
And he's been taking Vicodin.
Oh, come on!
That's... Karen...
I know you're pissed at me for going down on that woman,
but are you trying to get me thrown in jail?
- Could you step out of the car, please? - Hold on, sir. You know there's...
- Out of the car now. - You caught us at a really bad time.
- Yeah, it's a bad time. - Excuse me for saying so, ma'am.
You don't have to put up with this kind of behavior.
Why don't you just mind your own fucking business?
- Hank, just shut up. - Excuse me, sir?
All due respect but aren't you stepping outside the job description?
I didn't know you guys had the right to editorialize.
Have you been smoking marijuana, sir?
One hit.
- One! - Okay, let's go.
Come on, you can't arrest somebody for being a wiseass.
No but I certainly can for driving under the influence, can I?
Officer, excuse me.
This is just like a big misunderstanding.
Of course it is. OK?
You know, the thing that I can't understand
is what a woman like that
is doing with a prick, like you. She's got to have screw loose right?
Maybe that's how you like 'em, right a little crazy.
Maybe if you go down on her a little more often.
What the f...
Not the balls!