Previously on Californication...
Sonja.
Awkward.
Nice to see you again.
I'm pregnant. You didn't notice my bump?
- Julian's a writer, too. - Really? My condolences.
I like to think of myself as more of a creative midwife.
You're officially back together?
- Until we fuck it up. - Could be any second now.
I got this, book deal.
They want to write about why everything I touch turns to gold.
You write it.
- Beatrice Trixie. - Hank Moody.
One girl, two cocks: Ultimate showdown!
I've had both of them, but they forget that they both paid for the sex.
Have we met? You always have some fucking excuse!
Dude, this fucking perv just tried to mouth-rape me.
- I accidentally went down on her. - I fucking hate you!
If you sit here, people will think you're weird.
And here I was, planning to run for prom queen.
Back to work, assholes!
We're making rock history here!
Californication 2x04 - The Raw & The Cooked -
Woman! What are you doing? I'm rocking "medium" now.
86th percentile. Don't shut the "freebird" down.
- What happened to the clearing up? - I kind of focused on the patio.
And then I was summoned by the Gods of rock.
- One must take heed of that shit. - Right.
We're having a dinner party. So why would you focus on the patio?
God! When you say it out loud like that, it sounds awful.
- Is it too late to call off? - Stop it. It's gonna be fun, right?
Really?
'Cause I think it's gonna be like having a Q-Tip jammed up my urethra.
For three hours. Without lube.
Which could be fun if you do it... to me.
- Wanna? - Come on. Let's get going.
But I think you should check out the patio.
I think you'll be pleased.
Judas Priest, Hank.
What are you up to?
I was hoping you'd finally make an honest woman of me.
What is that?
Is it not jaw-droppingly beautiful?
Does it not to make the love juices to flow?
I thought you gave that to a homeless woman.
Who gives diamonds to the homeless? Not I, Rabbi.
- I don't know what to say... - Okay, well then,
let me relieve you of your root vegetables...
and allow me.
I love you, Karen.
And I wanna spend the rest of my life annoying the shit out of you.
And I want the rest of my life to start right now.
I'm sick and tired of fighting about the past.
We're not going anywhere. I get that now.
This is our home.
Because home is wherever you and Becca are.
I love L.A.
Seriously.
- I love it. I can't get enough of it. - You are so full of shit.
Will you marry me, Karen?
Queen of my dreams...
mother of my child...
lady of the valley...
Any more?
Fuck, now I'm out.
I'm so wet right now. Are you?
It must be like Niagara falls down there?
You could always check it out for yourself.
- Why am I here? - The question that plagues us all, Mia.
Why are you here?
She's here because the poor little Wunderkind
is spending too much time alone.
"Wunderkind"? Are we just tossing that term around now? Really?
I may be alone, but I am far from lonely.
You wouldn't believe how many Facebook fucktards wanna be my friends.
Hey, Mia, could you use your big-girl words right now?
Historically, Bill was always fine with the creative use of profanity.
- So I recall. - But I guess you weren't.
Maybe that's why things didn't work out between you two.
You see, I don't understand why we invite her.
We already have one sullen, disrespectful she-devil in our midst.
How is that any better than the last?
You said to change, I changed.
Change again.
You're making me mad, mother.
Hank, enough!
- I am making you mad? - Allow me to defuse.
Mrs. Moody?
Ms...
Moody.
Mr. Moody.
- Not so fast. - What?
- Did you hear me say yes at any point? - You didn't have to.
Your eyes said it for you. As did the arching of your back
and the soft, gentle swell of your flower,
the urgent release of...
- You smell like cigarettes. - What?
No. It's Mia.
Mia's been smoking. As for Becca...
She'll be back to her sweet, little,
unicorn-loving self in no time. 10 or 12 years, tops.
- You promise? - I promise.
In the meantime, let's focus on the good.
We's getting hitched, woman.
And just a few short hours ago, you had a big, fat orgasm. This is heady stuff.
Yours was pretty rockin', as well.
Yes, I was concerned for your safety.
You were? How come?
I was afraid that the sheer force of my ejaculate might do some internal damage.
- You okay down there? - Don't flatter yourself.
- That's him. - Him who?
The boy.
What boy? You didn't say anything about a boy.
Because I didn't want to do this for days.
Go get the door. And be nice.
I'm nice. I'm always nice. I love gentlemen callers.
Fucking kid better watch his ass... Mia? Load my shotgun.
Come on! Lipstick!
- Who are you? - Damien.
What do you want?
I'm here to see Becca Moody.
Do you like the rap music?
- Yeah. - Yeah?
- G's up. - G's up.
What about Roe V. Wade?
I mean, I think it's the woman's choice.
Why should I let you in?
Well, 'cause...
I'd kind of really like to get away from... them.
I don't blame you. Why are they doing that?
I don't know.
- It's really creeping me out. - All right. Get inside, quick.
Go play some Guitar Hero. I'm on "medium" now...
86th percentile.
Hey, assholes...
Break it up.
We dropped some "e".
You guys are fucking retarded!
You're worse than Sid and Nancy.
- Yeah, that's right. - I never did it before.
Me likey!
Just wait till we get naked.
That's something I'm looking forward to.
Here's a novel idea: why don't you get naked
and fuck yourselves goofy in the privacy of your own home?
No way. We're starving. Let's eat.
That's a very nice...
shirt.
Where are all the white bitches at?
There she is.
- I love you so much. - You do?
Mia...
How are you? Nice to see you.
Gross! Is that a hard-on?
Something poked me!
- What's going on? Where are they? - In her room.
What is up with you, woman? She could be in her 1st trimester by now.
- Becca. - Dad?
Door open at all times.
Get it? Got it? Good.
Damien...
if that is your real name, and I'm not convinced...
... I'm watching you. I'm not joking.
Your hair is so gorgeous, Mia.
I want to chop it off and sleep in it, man.
Oh, boy.
My God!
- I didn't have time to get changed. - Hello, Dali!
- You look gorgeous! - Thank you!
- You look gorgeous, too. - My God.
- Sorry. - Very friendly.
- You look gorgeous. - Can I get you...
- Hi, man, how are ya? - Hi.
- What the fuck was that? - What?
- You just kissed me on the lips. - Sorry, friend.
I didn't mean to stir up any feelings you couldn't handle.
No, I can handle it. I just think it's well within my rights
to not want the taste of you on my lips. Or my lady's lips, for that matter.
But thanks for the vino. Make yourself at home.
That's beautiful.
My father gave her a ring once, too.
Didn't take.
- Thank you, sweetie. - So, Karen, when's the wedding?
My God.
He just, like, proposed to me a couple of hours ago.
You know what? If you want, Julian can marry you.
He's an ordained minister.
- Why doesn't that surprise me at all? - It's called church of the Silentdawn.
And he's married so many couples.
Which is odd 'cause, of course, he sure won't, you know, marry me.
Maybe the baby is gonna change his mind.
Or maybe he's just not that into you.
That's rude.
Don't shoot the messenger.
- Star power! - You should come to one of my workshop.
- Free of charge. - You do workshops now?
- I am down with that shit. - See what it's about.
Maybe it'll help you with your writing.
When you extract the artist within, does he cut you a check, too?
Well, I suppose you could mock it if you want,
but it does seem to be striking a minor chord out there.
He's being very modest.
It's selling like Michael Jackson's Thriller album. It's a great record.
- Definitely one of my top 10. - I'm glad I know.
You're just printing money over there, aren't you?
That's a very nice material. What is it?
I don't know.
- Is that a linen or... - No idea.
You done?
You know, I'm not surprised
that you attained best-seller status, because I think you tapped into
one of the biggest markets there is. Everybody wants to feel special.
They are.
Even you... Hank Moody.
First a kiss, now the sweet-talk.
What's next, a little hand release?
Will you excuse me a moment?
Hey, guys, move that over. It's a little tight.
All right, that's good.
- Ashby! - Moody!
What took you so long, man?
Stopped to pick up some dessert.
- You'll thank me later. - Music people time.
Destiny, Moody. Moody, Destiny.
Yes, we haven't been formally introduced...
You brought me to the mouth-rapist's house?
Oh, shit, from the party.
I'm a fucking idiot.
- Should I leave? - Yeah.
No, really. Come on, don't be silly. What's your old lady's name again?
Karen.
Got it. Karen, Karen,
Karen, Karen, Karen. You ready?
Come on, let's go deep.
Why don't... Does somebody want to say grace?
Anybody? Damien? No grace from you?
- I'll say grace. - Fantastic.
Take it away, daughter.
Can you choose your words really carefully? Okay?
I would like to thank the Lord below
for giving me the strength to make it through this dinner.
Praise hail Satan.
- That was cool. - And scary.
- Seriously. I have chills. - Can you scratch my back, baby?
That's interesting.
That feels amazing.
Becca's going through a bit of a phase right now.
- It's not a phase, mother. - I know.
- It's my religion. - Also she's willing to suffer for it.
She was sent to the principal's office
the other day for possessing a Satanic Bible.
Nothing like sending your kid to a "progressive" private school
- that wants to burn your kid's books. - Yeah, but, then again,
they might be right to raise an eyebrow.
After all...
- Where does it end? - What do you mean?
Well, it's all well and good to indulge your children,
but to endorse a point of view
that profanes every...
sacrosanct concept in our culture is wrong, no?
I think it's time to put Sir Walter Raleigh back in the can.
- Well... - Honey...
- it's none of our business. - Chapter 4:
lose your filter, find your way.
- How could I forget? - Did somebody say "Gefilte"?
Have you read it?
- Excuse me? - Have you read the book?
I don't think I need to, honey.
Don't "honey" me, mister.
The Satanic Bible is actually the ultimate self-help book.
It's not about worshipping the devil.
It's about believing in yourself first and foremost
and not wasting your time on psychic vampires.
If you read it, you might learn a thing or two
because it actually makes a hell of a lot more sense
than the Gobbledygook you're passing off
on the average, everyday Barnes & Noble bottom-feeder.
That's right... I've read your book.
I want my money back.
O-tay!
I don't know about you guys, but I think
that deserves a slow handclap.
- That's rude. - Bravo!
No, no. Stop.
That girl's magic. What's her name?
Becca.
So when are you due, sweetie?
- You are pregnant, right? - Oh, no. Yeah. I am pregnant.
- Yes, I am. - Congratulations!
Thank you. And my due date is not far enough away.
Did you guys have fun trying, or did you have
to beat off into a test tube or something?
I'm just asking. I mean, people do that shit...
stuff... a lot nowadays.
No, well, this happened the old-fashioned way.
You gave her a little bit of the old artist within, didn't you?
Salty dog.
Actually, I'm not the father.
- Not the father? - Oh, my God.
I had no idea. I'm sorry.
I have no secrets. There is no shame.
But when we met, Sonja was already pregnant.
I could smell it on her.
Smell it?
Yeah, yeah. Really.
He is serious. I didn't know and...
That's... possible.
Yeah, yeah. I know, right?
It was quite a weird first date, it was.
I'll raise the child as my own. And I'll love it as my own.
I think that is awesome.
This is a grown man willing to stand up and take responsibility
for another man's seed.
- Big ups... - Thank you.
Mad love...
- Much respect. - Marcy... what is she doing?
So you have no idea who the father is?
I'm not that big a slut, Karen.
- No! I... - No one's judging.
No one's judging, baby girl.
- Some of my favorite humans are sluts. - My wife is a slut.
I personally don't believe in that word. I think that a woman
who indulges herself sexually should be celebrated and not condemned.
Hey, chapter seven... "Let a ho be a ho," right?
- That's right! - Amen to that, my brother.
That's exactly what the Satanic Bible would say.
Hail satan!
There was only one guy, according to Sonja.
And you know, she was lonely.
He was there.
You needed a little positive reinforcement, didn't you?
And he gave you that.
So, there is nothing to be ashamed of.
We all do it.
The point is to rise above it and to love ourselves.
Totally, totally.
You just come up with that shit
or do you have cue cards written somewhere?
So I'm just doing a little mental math over here,
and I think
what you're saying, Sonja...
And correct me if I'm wrong...
But that Hank could very well be the father of the child.
Because you guys definitely bumped uglies
that one night at my father's, right?
You wear a cock bag?
Nope. He hates rubbers.
Yeah. Me too. I can't feel a damn thing.
I love rubbers.
- Keeps him in the game. - Keeps me in the game.
God, I'm sorry. I didn't...
I didn't want it to come out like this.
I've been trying to find a way to tell you.
But it doesn't matter.
You know, I mean, I want this baby no matter what.
Dude, this is my favorite dinner party ever. I'm so glad I came.
Well, I don't know about you guys,
but I think a cheers is in order.
To yet another fine mess. Good job!
I'll drink to that.
Well done.
Let's go.
To fine messes...
and new daddies.
What the fuck?
- This is my daughter's bedroom! - I know. Chick's got great taste.
Have you no sense of shame? Get the fuck out of here!
You know better. Marcy... Jesus Christ, Charlie.
Motherfucker left a floater.
Game on, broheim. I get it.
I read you, brother.
I hear you talking to me.
Hi.
Hey, you know what? The fucking
"artist within" left us a turd within our toilet.
Can you believe that shit? Literally?
It's like he's taking a dump on top of my head.
I'm reading him loud and clear. it's a thing between him and me.
And I think it involves you. Youinflamed him in some way.
Now it's like "Jaws 3." It's personal. You want a bump?
Are you ready to talk about it now?
What was that?
What's he on? The coke, I know. What else?
Nothing. He did a few lines, had a few drinks, that's it.
Get the pen.
- The pen. - The pen.
I got it.
Get the pen! The pen!
Fuck!
My God! What... What...
I hate when that happens.
What the fuck was that?
Food allergies.
Bane of my fucking existence.
Did you eat any of that sashimi?
And then you shoved your tongue down my throat.
There you go.
Thanks, pal. You saved my life.
Hey, what'd you do with that coke?
You know you can always crash at my house.
Thank you, but I don't think that'll be necessary.
I don't know, man. I know chicks. This looks like some serious,
extreme doghouse shit right here.
- Ready, darling? - Yep.
- Where are you going? - They're giving me a ride.
- Maybe stop for a drink. - Works for me. The other room?
- Great. - Okay.
Good night, Mia.
Good night.
Come here.
You be cool with her because she's...
she doesn't seem like it, but she's kind of a fragile flower.
All right? So play nice.
Look, I have many vices, my friend,
but jailbait ain't one of 'em.
Well, I mean, there was that one time in Salt Lake City,
but that was like a Mormon mother/daughter thing.
Pretty fucking hot.
I pull that out of the spank bank every once in a while.
- Mind if I borrow it? - You know where I live.
- Mr. Moody. - That sounds weird.
Call me "he who will kill you if you touch his daughter."
Right.
I get it.
She's pretty awesome.
She is. But thank you for saying that.
Do you need a ride home or something?
No, I walked. I live close-by.
- Fantastic. - Yeah.
So I guess we'll be seeing a lot of each other.
Don't push it.
Goodbye forever.
I told you we should have called the whole thing off.
Then we wouldn't have gotten the happy news.
The man with the fresh vasectomy
is about to be a daddy.
- You caught me. - Yeah.
At least you can see the comedy in all of this.
Oh, right. I either laugh or I cry, right?
Or both.
Maybe I'm PMS'ing, but I feel like I could use a good cry.
I'm not... I'm not mad at you.
How is that even remotely possible?
'Cause this isn't about anything you did while we were apart.
This is about what I did.
- I made a huge mistake. - No.
- Don't say that. You didn't. - I did.
I jumped in the car with you that night.
Then we came back here
and we had sex.
And then we just... we just
tried to pick up where we left off.
I mean, do you have any idea how...
fucking dysfunctional that is?
You know, silly me, 'cause I'm...
I'm sitting here thinking that it's like a dream come true.
It was. It was a dream.
But we were crazy, Hank.
Like thinking we could just wave a magic wand
and everything would be as it was. I mean...
If...
It was...
Ever as we think it was, if you know what I mean.
Right. Because we...
we just imagined everything.
We can't do this to her anymore.
You know, we've been reckless with her heart.
- Or I have. - No, no.
It's my fault. I should've gone away,
- gotten my sh... - You're a wonderful mother.
Always.
I will never, ever...
Regret getting into the car with you that night, 'cause...
It was so much fun.
And marrying Bill was definitely not the answer.
I don't...
Know how to say this, but...
Don't.
... neither is marrying you.
- This isn't the answer either, - No.
you know?
Angel, I love you so, so much.
I can't stay.
I'm not asking you to.
I can't stay.
- I'm gonna go out for a little while. - It's okay, dad.
You tried your best.
It was nice while it lasted.