What?
ovitz! Hit the bricks!
See you at the oscars, pal.
He ruined my career.
Look -- daisy's family, and you fucked her shit up. Fix this.
"vaginatown" is probably not gonna happen anyway.
The financing fell through.
You're shitting me! I wish I was.
The "wall of cocks" sequence alone
would have blown people's minds.
The "wall of cocks"...
Oh, hells, yeah! You got daisy the part.
I had to invest 100 grand in his movie.
Yeah. I am, uh, I am pregnant.
I'm not the father.
There was only one guy, according to sonja.
Correct me if I'm wrong,
but hank could very well be the father of the child.
Hank: what the fuck is this?
Just giving you a little something to put in your book.
We drove out here together.
I ended up producing. She ended up alone.
[ rock music plays ]
? ...deep inside ?
? I say, yeah, yeah, can't you see? ?
? I say, yeah ?
[ music stops ]
[ vehicle approaches ]
oh, hey.
Oh. Greetings.
Just, uh...
You want to tell me what you're doing on my property?
Oh, yeah, I'm just, uh, i, uh, I wanted to know
if the lady of the house was home.
And you are?
I'm a friend.
Well, I'm -- I'm more of a friend of a friend, actually.
My wife doesn't have any friends that I don't know.
Oh, so you're married?
[ chuckles ] that's none of your goddamn business.
Well, no, look, i-I appreciate the hostility.
But I'm not trying to break into your castle and your keep here.
I'm a writer. I'm doing some research.
My name is hank moody. It's a pleasure.
There's no smoking here.
Outside.
There's no smoking outside? Really?
Woman: is everything okay out here? Oh, is this her?
Honey, it's okay. Go back inside.
Hey, my name is hank moody. I'm a writer.
And I was just -- I was doing some research.
Did I...say that you could talk to her?
Jesus, you got a bit of an overprotective vibe happening here.
I want to ask you a question about lew, lew ashby.
Hey! Hey, I asked you nicely to get off my property.
I don't know about "nicely," motherfucker.
I will leave your property when I'm good and ready...
Mothafuckah.
[ gate opens ]
who puts a fuckin' bush there?!
charlie: i'm just saying,
ashby manor might not be the best place for you
in your current depressed frame of mind.
It's not the best place for anybody
since asbhy let the douche bag within take up residence.
Oh, your favorite. You really like that guy.
Oh, who? Julian self, the snake-oil salesman?
10 grand a week that bearded bozo's making,
dispensing his diarrhea-of-the-mouth therapies
to the creatively blocked.
Can you believe that shit? 10 grand.
That's what you should have put the runkle nest egg into --
Self-help.
Oh, wait a minute -- That's sleazier than porn.
So I think you made the right choice. Laugh it up, pal.
Only one more day of shooting,
we sell this puppy, and I double my investment.
So you're sanguine about the whole...
I am sanguinissimo, baby. Sanguinissimo.
Although I got to say, you know what?
I'm -- I'm a little worried about being on that porn set. Yeah?
'cause I'm starting to feel like a gynecologist.
Yikes. Did you ever think of that girl?
You know, she looks down between the stirrups
and she sees your gleaming orb looming straight up at her.
You ever think about that?
So, did I ever think about
penetrating someone with my head?
No, I never did think about that. Good.
Hey, lew?
Lew?
[ woman moaning in distance ]
hey, lew!
Hey, lew, you decent?
Lew.
Oh! Oh!
I knew you were a dick!
[ panting ]
I knew it.
Okay, can we -- can we do this later, please?
Sure, no problem.
[ woman moaning ]
come on. Let go of it.
You can do it.
All right, just smile.
Hank!
[ camera shutter clicks ] nice.
Please. Please.
[ chuckling ] oh. Oh, that's good. We're done.
Charlie: nice and secure on there.
I'm a little concerned with the bump here.
If you could just -- I don't want it to fall off.
Geez! For the love of fuck, guys!
Careful, huh?!
I love this thing -- More than life itself.
Thank you very much.
He-e-y!
[ chuckles ] baby!
What have you done to my house?
I'm sorry, okay?
It's just -- you know, the location fell through.
So, look, we have one more scene,
and "vaginatown" is a wrap, okay?
I just -- I-i-I figured you'd be working.
What, a girl can't come home a little early?
Knock off, relax, watch a little "opes"?
Ronny: runkle!
I'm gonna need to knock a couple walls down in there.
What is he talking about?
What's that? Is that the spinner?
Didn't we shoot that scene already?
This is my wife.
Oh. Sorry.
'ello. Ronny praeger. Filmmaker.
You never told me your old dear
was such a lovely bit of filth.
You dirty bastard.
What do you reckon, sweetheart? Do you want to be in it?
I could easily see you and daisy
engaged in a nice little bit of stand-up 69.
69 is a waste of time, stand-up or otherwise.
And don't you dare touch my walls.
You are spicy. I like it.
There she is.
My leading lady.
Can you feel it -- The sexual tension?
[ sighs ]
how do I look?
Ohh! [ marcy clears throat ]
don't stare, you fucking baboon. It's rude!
Christ on the cross, what did you do to yourself?
You look like a fuckin' child!
A very hot child.
Who's been poorly waxed. You cheated on me.
I couldn't get an appointment, and he told me to shave.
I told you to trim.
This is "vaginatown," sweetheart.
They didn't have little heart-shaped tufts of pubis in 1930's l.a.
Maybe not, but I think my character was before her time.
Sorry. Who said it's your character?
We need a fuckin' merkin!
Okay, you know what? We've got a few of those lying around.
You do? Why?
Don't you tell him, marce!
Turn it this way, it's like he's staring at you.
Hank, you got to be kidding me, right?
That could be anybody. Yeah, but it's not.
It's "the artist within" a very nice young girl named holly.
Look. Look, it's like one of those jesus pictures,
except it's his balls that follow you wherever you move.
See that brute-like appendage there? It's actual-size.
You came all the way over here to show me that?
You're 12.
Well, this -- No, this vindicates me.
Proves the guy's a douche bag.
He's a danger to women. He has to be stopped.
He's got to be stopped?
He manipulates them. He fucks with their minds.
You're friends with sonja, right?
Why don't you go tell her? You should.
Possibly. But you're the father of her unborn child.
So I think that trumps "friend." We don't know that for certain.
We don't know for certain
what kind of arrangement they have, either.
They live together -- That's their arrangement.
Maybe they have one of those,
you know, like, open relationship or something.
ew. No, no, no, no, no.
That -- that -- That is disgusting.
That is not a possibility.
The open relationship does not exist.
It's like an oxymoron, like "jumbo shrimp" or --
Oh, okay. So that's where you draw the line?
At open relationships?
Yes, that's thoroughly offensive to me.
Huh. The mouth-rapist who sleeps with prostitutes is offended.
No, come on. Look --
Look, my ethical unpredictability
is default proof of its hard-won vitality.
Because I'm not, like, by rote or programmatic about it.
I think this shit through, every issue.
Anyway, are you gonna go tattle to sonja
or do I have to, 'cause I'd be glad to.
Hank, shut up, okay? Mind your own business.
Get out of here.
I'm minding our business.
Go pick up becca. She's at school.
This conversation is not over.
Okay, captain. What's the plan? Hmm?
We gonna be shooting something at some point?
I kind of -- I promised my wife, you know,
that the, you know, things would clear out by, say...
Oh, you promised your wife, did you? Yeah.
What is it you think we're doing here, runkle?
Does this look like chatsworth?
Do I look like a ukrainian sex worker? No.
We are making erotic art here...
Something men -- And women, god-willing --
Will be pleasuring themselves to for decades to come.
Okay, okay. I get that.
And I respect your vision. Really, I do.
It's just, the neighbors are getting a little restless.
And I would rather they don't call the cops
and have us shut down.
Hey, look -- It's your money.
But if you're looking for transcendence...
Man: we should start shooting.
Bring in first team! [ sighs ]
[ intro to poets & pornstars' "rock and roll" plays ]
where's clittes?
[ snorting, sniffles ]
[ coughs softly ]
[ chuckles ]
man, you look smokin' in that picture.
Happiest day of my life.
Yeah, your dad looks so proud.
That's not my dad.
For christ's sake, marce.
? ...like it's a lost dark heart that sees... ?
you -- it's time to go down and unleash the monster of cock.
Be careful what you wish for.
? ...call it my constitution ?
? call it the common need ?
? call it a strange devotion, man... ?
this is what you came home early for, isn't it?
To do some cocaine.
And watch some "oprah."
? ...it's just rock and roll to me ?
[ sighs ]
that thirsty little nose of yours is costing us some money.
Have you checked our bank balance lately?
[ sniffs ]
asshole, you just put the bulk of our nest egg
into a movie called "vaginatown."
And you're gonna make me feel bad
about a little afternoon snack with jake clittes?
This movie is an investment,
which we're in together, remember?
A little bit of support, please.
And it's "clittes" -- Sounds like "titties."
[ sniffs forcefully ]
well, if memory serves,
uh, this is the part where you say you can handle it
and that you can stop whenever you want.
Oh, I can stop.
Then stop.
For a day.
For an hour.
Yeah, you can say "no, no, no" all you want, Miss winehouse.
I'm this close to booking you a room at wishes.
What happened to promises?
Promises of malibu is no longer in the runkle family budget.
Wishes is in oxnard.
Runkle, bad news. Daisy's in her trailer.
She won't come out. She'll only talk to you.
[ sighs ]
we'll finish this conversation later.
Don't you be condescending to me, motherfucker.
[ sniffs ]
I can stop.
[ sniffs ] I can stop whenever the fuck I want.
? ...it's just rock and roll ?
[ static, music alternate on radio ]
[ funk music plays ]
good afternoon, ladies.
Ah, it's the sisterhood of the traveling flannel.
On time for a change. Impressive.
We're still going to lew ashby's, right?
Yeah, we want to go, too.
"we"? Oh, sorry.
Hank moody, this is annika staley
of rolling stone magazine.
Really? The rolling stone magazine?
The one that used to have some cultural relevance?
Well, I am delighted to meet you,
annika staley from rolling stone magazine.
Sorry to crash the party.
I'm just trailing mia for the day.
She's gonna be in our "hot" issue.
Oh, she's hot, is she?
Feverish?
Will you excuse me a moment?
Sorry.
Sure.
[ annika chuckles ]
it's you, isn't it?
I made a mess of your bush this morning.
That's, uh... Shit, that came out wrong.
Flowers. She's got this...
Wow. ...potted-flower thing, and I...
I'll see you guys.
It was nice talking to you, ladies. Yeah.
Hey, this is a coincidence.
I'm here picking up my daughter, and --
Well, I got some mail for you.
You do? Yeah.
You are -- you are "resident," aren't you?
But I-I doubt that you need your carpets cleaned.
Or your drapes. I bet your carpets are immaculate.
I bet the carpets match the drapes.
Do you always make this good of a first impression?
Well, it's a second impression, actually.
Hank. Hank moody.
And they're only gonna get worse from here on in,
so I'm just gonna lay my cards on the table.
Do you know a guy named lew ashby?
Yeah, sure. He's some famous record producer, right?
A rock-'n'-roll legend.
I'm writing a book on him. Oh? Good luck.
Yeah. I'm gonna need it because the guy's a cypher.
I can't get anywhere.
Well, then why do the research? Just print the legend.
That's what people want to read, right?
One long rock-'n'-roll bacchanalia
where the music never ends, the groupies never get older,
and your dick never shrivels up and falls off
from some unspecified venereal disease.
Wow. That was unkind to my dick.
I had to get you back for ruining my bush.
Hmm. Well, I've known the guy for like six weeks now,
and the only genuine moment I've had with him
is when he told me about this woman that he never got over
and a mustang that wouldn't go in reverse.
That's why I was snooping around your house today.
I think you'd have better luck finding the mustang.
Why is that?
'cause it actually existed. Blue with grey interior.
And what about the girl?
Figment of lew's imagination.
[ dog barking ]
[ sighs ]
I like your trailer.
I drove out here in this piece of shit.
[ sighs ] I was gonna be a big, big star.
Look at me now.
Look, if you don't want to do this,
if you want to get out of porn, just --
I don't want to get out of porn.
I love porn.
Why?
'cause I love sex.
And I lost it at the movies.
Literally.
I was 15, and my boyfriend took me to the drive-in.
They were showing a revival of "dirty dancing."
I love that movie! Definitely in my top 10.
Mine too.
I just -- I got so turned on,
I just jumped his bones then and there.
And ever since, I've associated movies and sex.
And I started to think,
"why does it have to be a guilty pleasure?"
everybody watches it.
You do, right?
Very much so, yes.
Some might call it a soft addiction.
But then I got out here and...
I just -- I saw what it really is.
Just an endless series of disgusting scenes
shot by disgusting people.
But then you came along.
And you got me this close to my dreams.
Well, that's a good thing, right?
But it's scary.
I mean, what if I suck?
You do not suck, daisy. Trust me.
If there's one thing I know, it's porn, okay?
And you got something
that those silicone valley gals don't -- the 'x' factor.
It sets you apart.
You're the girl next door,
america's fuckable sweetheart.
I'm starting to get that feeling, charlie.
What feeling would that be?
The same one I got at the drive-in.
oh.
We better get you inside, then.
Please. [ grunts ] I beg you...
Okay, people, let's do this thing!
Come on...
W-w-what's wrong with clittes?
Coke dick.
Coke dick?
Too much blow, and the cock won't grow.
Wha-wha-wha-wha? Ronny: thanks to your old lady,
jake here is about as useful as tits on a nun.
We're gonna need a stunt cock.
Stunt cock?
You -- drop your pants.
Call yourself a man?
I weep for you.
Runkle, what are you packing?
Me? What about you?
why don't you whip out your hitchcock and give it a cameo?
Our leading man is circumcised.
Can't say the same for myself.
Besides, I can go for hours. We don't have time for that.
Oh, well, in that case...
Honey... What?
You've delivered plenty of one-minute money shots in this living room.
One more's not gonna kill you.
Have you lost your mind, woman?
You actually want me to do this?
No, but I also don't want to live in park la brea
and eat cat food when I'm old.
100 grand, runkle -- The nest egg.
And if our blessed union means anything to you,
you will get in there and drive Miss daisy, ho.
Holly: ? now I know ?
? spanish harlem ?
? are not just pretty words to say... ?
I think what I love most about mia's book
is how visceral it is.
That's my daughter.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, great.
I guess it's too much to ask of a writer from rolling stone
to love music. It's not my beat.
You cover words. Mm-hmm.
All words or just...
Just the hot ones?
Why don't you find out? Let me interview you.
Oh, god, no. No.
Come on, come on. You know you want to.
No, I don't want to.
Come on. We can have a drink, we'll talk about mia.
Oh, I'm sure mia is perfectly capable
of talking about herself.
Will you excuse me for a moment?
Hey.
That is a lovely shade of blue your face is wearing.
Oh, god. I think I'm -- I'm gonna -- You gonna --
[ vomits ]
oh. [ sighs ]
you know, everyone said it would stop in the second trimester.
Oh, crap, did I get some on your foot? Oh, no. No worries.
Unlike you, I'm not a big sympathetic vomiter.
Oh, thanks.
Julian -- julian thinks that all... Here you go.
...physical illness -- Oh, thank you --
Is -- is due to some, you know, mental weakness.
Oh, really? Yeah.
Wow. What causes cancer?
Bitter-- no. Bitterness.
Hang on. That's not it.
Sloth. No. No, it's not that.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Fear.
Fear. Well, let's alert the fuckin' media!
Let's get that shit taken care of.
End suffering in our time.
Sonja: [ sighs ] isn't he here?
I thought he was working with lew this week.
No. He was. Earlier.
Laying hands on the faithful.
Oh, gee. Only his hands? Possibly more.
Oh, god, I knew it.
Every time he comes over here, he ends up boning some groupie.
And that's fucked up, right?
I mean, when you're with somebody, you shouldn't be off,
boning some stranger, doggy-style, right?
Right?
That's bullshit. [ sighs ]
right? You're not reacting the way I thought you'd react.
We kind of have an open relationship, so...
No shit.
Yeah. Well, it's how you grow.
Is that how you grow? You have to validate yourself,
assuage your own insecurities because you can't rely
on other people to bring that shit to the table.
All right, if you don't mind my asking,
if he's not being faithful to you
and he's not the father of your child,
what is he bringing to the table?
Aside from the facial hair.
Okay, look. This could be my last chance.
And fuck it.
I'm not -- I'm not one of those people who works alone.
I need to be with somebody.
I mean, for christ sakes,
I was married to a big homo for like 10 years, right?
[ winces ] shit.
What? You all right? No. I mean, I don't know.
You got to puke again? You got to poop?
No, I don't have to poop! I felt something move!
It moved, and I've never felt that before. oh.
Hang on. Here, here. Just feel that.
[ clears throat ] anything?
No. Little gas, maybe. No, it's not gas.
[ chuckles ]
no. Nothing.
[ sighs ] I swear. Hold on. Let me.
Hello, in there.
Anybody home?
Oh, shit, I felt --
Right? Right? Isn't that weird? Yeah.
Hey, guys. This feels kind of familiar.
Oh, god, karen. Hey.
Sounds good. Sounds good. Thanks.
Okay. All right, i'm gonna, um...
I'm gonna go try to find julian.
Thank you. Okay.
[ exhales sharply ]
I don't say this often enough,
so I'm just gonna -- I'm gonna come out and say it.
What? You were right.
About what?
They do have an open relationship.
You just couldn't stay out of it, could you? no.
Good.
Why is that good? What does that mean?
You know, only a total asshole would get someone pregnant
and then sit back and do nothing about it.
And you got involved. I mean, that's good.
That's progress for you. Hey, well done.
Hey, becca. Come on, let's go.
No way. This is too much fun. Grab your stuff.
It's late. Don't argue with me. We're going.
Fine.
Don't worry, karen. I've been keeping an eye on her.
Well, that's great. And who's been keeping an eye on you?
good night, sweetie.
Such nice friends.
You kind of look like you could use that drink.
[ mid-tempo music plays ]
[ scissors snipping ]
aiee! Not so rough.
Would you quit squirming around?
I'm just trying to make your man-bush
a little more camera-ready.
Yeah, and I'm getting the feeling
that you're not so okay about this.
Look, I'm as okay as I can possibly be.
You, on the other hand, don't seem that excited,
especially for a guy
who's about to get a little wife-sanctioned strizz-ange.
Well, you know, maybe a little less with the scissor.
And, I don't know.
Could you, like...
Do that thing...you do?
Oh, jesus.
[ sighs ]
[ exhales deeply ]
almost ready for you, runkle.
I knew you had it in you, missus.
Do you mind?
[ clears throat ]
now there's the porcelain monkey I know and love.
I'm doing this for us.
[ inhales, exhales deeply ]
I know.
Now go get 'em, quickdraw.
[ film noir music plays ]
[ exhales deeply ]
you're gonna be great, co-star.
[ sighs ]
how's it look? Does it -- does it look okay?
It's perfect, charlie.
You're perfect.
All right, quiet, please!
Rolling!
And...action!
[ panting, moaning ]
charlie...
Oh, shit. Charlie...
I know that look. He's gonna blow.
Slow it down, runkle.
Aah! Ah! Aah!
Forget it, jake.
It's vaginatown!
Aaah! Oh...
[ shudders ]
and cut!
Did we get that?
Did we get it? Please tell me you got that.
That'll do, runkle. That'll do.
[ applause ]
whoo!
God, you're... Exactly like your books.
I'm exactly like my books?
Yes -- Totally puerile...
Crass...
Adolescent...
No, I know what "puerile" means. Yeah.
I'm actually just a little surprised
that you read my books at all.
Oh, yeah. Well, sure.
You know, I try to read all the great misogynists.
It really fuels my feminist fire.
In fact, I-I actually wrote a review of your first novel.
Did you? What'd you say?
Yeah, for a little magazine back in chicago. What'd you say?
I said the main character was a self-righteous prick
no woman in a million years would ever actually sleep with.
I called it "a retarded man's"... "portnoy's complaint."
I remember that review.
That was one of the worst reviews I ever got.
I'm don't know if we can be drinking buddies anymore,
annika staley.
That was downright vicious. Thank you.
What would possess you to write something like that?
I was kind of going through a little rough patch in my life,
was working out my issues with guys.
You think? Yeah.
You know, when I read that,
I wanted to muff-punch you with my typewriter.
[ chuckling ] oh. Yeah.
oh.
You still want to?
[ intro to "have love, will travel" plays
aah! Oh! Fuck!
[ moaning loudly ] okay, okay, okay!
[ chuckles ] okay...
Oh...
Oh, I may need to take back "puerile."
Mm, so you're saying
you're willing to reevaluate my oeuvre.
Ow! Ooh! Aah! What, do we got aftershock?
Ah, no, no. Toe cramp.
Flex that shit. Ow! Fuck, that hurts!
I got it. Like a doctor.
Please stop this. Please, I just need some water.
I'm just really dehydrated.
I just need -- just need something with electrolytes.
Oh, okay.
Vagatorade.
Yeah. Good one. That was nice.
? have love ?
? yeah, baby, will travel... ?
hey...
Who's the screamer?
Oh, it's the, uh, writer woman from rolling stone.
Ooh, nice! Got me off my rhythm, though.
The chick I was with -- Just about to come.
Hears the other one scream, jumps right out of her skin.
[ both chuckle ]
sorry. I swear, for a second there,
I thought she was gonna hit me or something, punch me.
[ chuckles ] me likey.
? ...yeah, baby, will travel... ?
excuse me, gents.
? ...have love... ?
me likey.
Hail, caesar.
? I said, if you need lovin', baby ?