- That's it! Big, top the van! - What?
Ovitz! Hit the bricks!
- See you at the Oscars, pal. - I've been busting my nuts for weeks
just trying to get a meeting with Ronny Praeger.
- You got Daisy the part! - I had to invest 100K $ in his movie.
You don't know me. My name is Hank Moody. I'm a writer.
I want to ask you a question about Lew Ashby.
Call me "he who will kill you if you touch his daughter."
- She's pretty awesome. - She is.
That thirsty little nose of yours is costing us some money.
You just put the bulk of our nest egg into a movie called Vaginatown.
- What's wrong with Clittes? - Coke dick.
- We're gonna need a stunt cock. - You will get in there
and drive Miss Daisy.
Did we get that?
Look, I have many vices, my friend, but jailbait ain't one of them.
Excuse me, gents.
All right, repeat after me.
I will never...
- "I will never..." - ... ever...
- "... ever..." - ... fuck Mia again.
"... fuck Mia again."
Thank you.
Jesus. Just saying it gets me wet.
Fuck you.
Find somebody else to pen your sordid, fucking tale.
Don't leave. We got a good thing going here.
It's been a long time since I had me a...
- friend. - Aw, shucks. I'm almost touched.
But you can't expect me to indulge your every fucking depraved whim!
Jesus Christ. I just realized what it must be like to live with me.
I really didn't think you were gonna be such a ninny about the whole thing.
A "ninny"?
Because I've had my share of the tang?
Because I have my own sordid past to contend with?
No. Because she told me that you guys fucked.
- Be that as it may... - Repeat after me...
- You got to get me out of this shit. - I can't get you out of anything.
- You signed a fucking contract. - Since when has that ever mattered?
Look, it's either this or you do the adaptation of Fucking & Punching.
I'm sorry. I take that back. I don't think I can get you that job.
The guy's gone kurtz. He needs a doctor, not a biographer.
No one said you had to move in with the guy.
You never do anything halfway, do you?
Says the man holding the plastic ass-gina.
What the fuck are we doing here, anyway?
I'm edumacating myself as to the various marketing opportunities
available to the young porn starlet.
Holy shit. You really like this girl, huh?
Yeah. Of course I like her.
I like her in the kind, paternal way
any agent likes someone whose career is in his hands.
How about in the kind, paternal way in which a boy
sometimes likes to stick his pee-pee inside a girl?
You like her that way, too?
I kind of did that already.
What?
Nigga, please!
I had to step in and stunt-cock.
- That's all. - "Stunt-cock"?
- Long story. You had to be there. - Stunt-cock.
Holy shit, Johnny Wad.
How we gonna keep you down on the farm now that you've penetrated a porn star?
Just the tip, then I popped.
Naturally. Here's the deal. This is what we've got to do.
You got to go home and grab cokey smurf, meet me at LAX.
We got to get the hell out of town, palomino.
I mean, we are down the rabbit hole, and I'm afraid we ain't never coming back.
Oh, my God! Are you okay?
- Jesus Christ, lady! - You just came out of nowhere.
You could've killed me. I'm gonna have to get your name
for insurance purposes and whatnot.
My God. You're that asshole. Why am I not surprised?
it saddens me to think that when you have an internal dialog about me,
I'm "that asshole" and not "that handsome stranger"
or "that guy who made a mess of my bush... Hank Moody."
It's nice to see you again, Mrs...?
Jones.
Jones?
Really? After all this intrigue, that's kind of a letdown.
Janie Jones.
Like the Clash song. That's fantastic.
I'm half-chubbed. We forget this whole
"vehicular manslaughter" thing and I buy you a drink?
I don't think so.
I really thought that the threat of legal action
was gonna do it, but I'm gonna have to employ
my considerable powers of seduction.
You ready?
I got nothing. That's it. I'm out.
No, tomorrow night, in Venice, Marat.
I'll be the one staring into the bottomless pit of despair.
Get there early before I wet myself.
Nailed it!
That's right... I still got it.
I shouldn't be telling you guys this, but Becca is my absolute favorite.
Thank god!
I thought you were gonna come down on her for being a Satanist or something.
Oh, please. I think it's safe to say that whole thing's just a phase,
it probably has to do with whatever might be going on between you two.
I'm sorry. She made reference to some changes at home.
Well, um, long story short, um,
we were together, and now we're apart.
Again.
- So, you're divorced? - Not exactly.
It's okay. I'm not judging. You know, I'm divorced.
- Pretty recently. - I'm sorry.
- Right on! - Hank.
Um, we were never married, so the divorce thing is...
- No, but I did ask. A number of times. - Okay, not the time or the place, Hank.
I gave her a ring. She gave it back. I gave it to a homeless woman.
I'm sorry. That's so sad.
It worked out for the homeless woman.
None of that really matters right now. What matters is that,
we're together when it comes to raising Becca.
Well, yes, but not always. I want Becca to be a lesbian when she grows up,
and Karen just wants her to be happy.
That's ridiculous. Like, you can't be both?
A happy lesbian?
Classy.
I know. With all the money that we spend,
they could afford some proper glassware.
Hey, have you seen Mia lately?
No. Why? No more than usual.
- What does that mean? - What does it mean?
I don't know. What do you mean?
No, it's just I keep stopping by Bill's
to check on her, and she's never home.
So, I know she likes to hang out at Ashby's den of iniquity, and so do you.
- I have. I have seen her there. - Right.
Yeah. You know, once in a while, not often.
Does she have a boyfriend?
I don't know. What is this, "Sex and the City", girlfriend?
What's with all the questions?
It's just, last time she came for dinner,
she was asking me all these questions about dating an older man,
and it was like she was kind of asking my approval.
Well, I hope you shut that shit down immediately.
No. I mean, why would I?
You know, it's a perfectly valid life experience if it's the right guy.
- Why would you say something like that? - Why not?
- I dated one of my professors once. - That's foul.
He was younger than you are now, actually.
I'm nauseous, actually.
The sex was fantastic, actually.
Now you're just trying to get my goat.
- Am I getting it? - Yes!
Now, you'll be the only one to blame if this thing gets out of hand.
- What thing? - This gross "older man" thing.
No. Well, I want you to keep an eye out.
I mean, make sure that she doesn't go anywhere near Ashby.
That guy is such a fucking scumbag.
Well, he means well, you know?
That sounds familiar.
- I got to go... "Phyllis." - Goodbye.
You're a dick, you know. Okay, okay.
- Your hair smells good. - Good.
It smells like lady hair.
Hey.
Hey yourself, Mrs. P.
I just wanted you to know I love your writing.
Quite possibly my four favorite words in the English language.
Hits all the pleasure centers.
Positively rhapsodic.
I didn't think it was appropriate to say it in front of your...
your ex-wife, lover, or whatever.
I wish you had. That would've pissed her off.
- You like pissing her off, don't you? - I do.
I like pissing off my ex, too.
Cool. Is he watching?
Yeah, from the window.
Well, I'll make sure to use my good cock.
Just so you know, I'm on my period.
Not sure I needed a verbal on that, for I care very little about such things.
I was in Nam.
God. My ex always cared. He thought it was dirty.
Oh, it is dirty... In a good way.
I haven't had time to trim the hedges lately, if you know what I'm saying.
I do know what you're saying, and, again, no worries.
I enjoy a generous thicket.
I got to tell you,
your feelings about periods
and pubic hair have just made me a bigger fan.
It's what I do. Anything else you care to disclose?
I'm very excited about fucking you right now.
You are a chatty one, Mrs. Patterson.
Baby.
Baby!
Look who I found.
What happened? What's wrong?
She was sleeping outside in her fucking car!
I didn't want to bother you. I just didn't know where to go.
My fucking manager showed up at my apartment and...
You have a manager?
You remember the guy who was shooting the "slam van" stuff?
That smelly, sleazy fuck? That's your manager?
You're my manager. He's just a fucking scumbag.
And you didn't think it was worth mentioning?
I was just scared you wouldn't want to work with me.
And then everything just happened so fast.
- I'm really sorry. - What does he want?
Money. He wants to be bought out of his contract.
That's ridiculous. Clients get poached all the time.
I put you in Vaginatown, I get the commission.
- That's exactly what I told him. - And what did he say?
He trashed my apartment and ate all my food.
I'm just gonna crash in my car.
I just really don't want to put you guys out.
Don't be silly.
We'll make up the guest room.
Just get into bed, baby.
Mommy and daddy will keep you safe.
What?!
She's scared shitless. Come on, Dais.
I'm too tired to freshen up the fucking guest room.
Mama needs her sleep.
God.
That was exactly what I needed.
Good for you, lady. Happy to protect and serve.
What?
I think I'm gonna cry.
Oh, dear.
Don't do that.
It's not a bad thing. It's...
Coming makes me cry.
- I mean, on occasion. - I get that.
I mean, sometimes, after I come, I want to... weep,
you know?
But, usually, I just nap.
You know?
You want me to hug you or...
Comfort you in some...
fashion?
That's nice of you to offer, but it's...
it's not necessary.
Where's the shitter in this joint?
Down the stairs, to the right.
Damien?
Mr. Moody?
You fucked my mom.
I fucked your mom?
I fucked your mom.
Did you hurt her?
No! You didn't!
- I can explain. - Oh, no, you can't.
It's not what it looks like. She wouldn't listen to reason.
I didn't see you put up much of a fight there, lover.
You guys have got to stop this! This is sick and wrong!
Sure. It's sick and wrong
when he does it, but it's perfectly fine for you to fuck me.
Stop saying that. It's not okay.
- That's why we never did it again. - Never say "never," Hankie.
OK. I promise I'll never do it again.
You've already done it again like three times!
Far more than that.
You want Karen to find out about this, young lady?
I don't know, Hank.
Do you want Karen to find out about this?
Because finding out about this could mean finding out about us,
which could very well mean the death of hope, Hank.
What the fuck is this?
Kurt fucking Cobain...
played that.
Courtney gave it to me. I helped her produce a demo,
write some songs.
It's yours.
You're giving me Kurt Cobain's guitar because you fucked Mia?
No. I'm giving you Kurt Cobain's guitar because...
You're my only friend, and I... Wait, no.
Take... care of it.
I mean, you... you can put Becca through college
with that fucking thing.
Okay.
You hungry?
You like crepes? I got a new pan I want to try out.
That's what I'm gonna do... I'm gonna make us some crepes.
Becca, it's not half as crazy as it sounds.
- Fuck you! - Okay.
But I think that your language
is perhaps a tad inappropriate.
Oh, it's fucking appropriate, all right.
Karen, will you cut me some slack here?
Do you see me fronting in any way? I've admitted that I'm wrong, you know.
Still, I don't think that... You don't talk to your old man that way.
Oh, well, you do if he fucked your boyfriend's mother.
I didn't know, okay? And I don't like all this "boyfriend" talk.
Of course you didn't know.
How could you ever be expected to know such a thing?
Yeah, you know what? You know, if you look at this...
thing in a certain light,
the whole mess can be viewed
as almost entirely your fault.
Come on.
You didn't tell me about the boy until the dinner party.
How was I supposed to know who his mother was?
Oh, well, if you were not so preoccupied
with sticking your dick in any hole that will have you,
you might notice these things.
But you kicked my dick out of the house. You made my dick homeless.
And out of doors is a place where penises don't generally fare well
- in the rain and the wind and all that. - Hank, shut up?
My homeless dick now must seek shelter
from the storm where and whence it can.
Did she say to you, "oh, Hank, I love your writing"?
You see that? This is why we should be together.
- You know my shit. It's perfect. - It's why we shouldn't be together.
She needed a good cry. She was lonely. What's the harm?
The harm?
Oh, well, the harm is right there, okay?
That is the harm... Big harm.
And the worst part is she was defending you.
- What do you mean? - He didn't break it off with her.
He just said that you were a dick for sleeping with his mother.
- That's legitimate. - But that did not sit well with her
because no one talks shit
about her beloved father.
So she broke it off with him.
Fuck.
Don't you dare touch me.
Kurt Cobain played this guitar.
If you treat it right, you'll never have to work another day in your life.
You can't buy your way out of this one.
Damien was right...
You are a dick.
Hey, Mrs. Patterson. Is Damien home?
He's... not here. He's at band practice. Do you want to come in?
I don't think that would be such a great idea.
Don't let him scare you. He's a good kid.
- He's very protective of his mother. - That's a good thing.
I mean, we can't let our kids
ruin a perfectly excellent sexual chemistry, can we?
Jesus. When you put it that way, it sounds pretty fucking reasonable.
Can you write that down for me for later
- in case I need to use it? - Old man, I will go
fucking medieval on your ass!
Settle down, townshend. I came here to talk to you, mano a mano.
- Come on. - Settle down, buddy. What is it?
What can I do for you?
Let's figure this out. Come on.
Okay. Here we go.
Come on, man.
- What can I do for you? - Nothing. There's nothing you can do.
- You're dead to me, and Becca is too. - That's a shame. That's a crying shame
because she appears to be very fond of you.
Really?
What'd she say?
Nothing that I could ever repeat without vomiting.
Now, come on. What can we do?
Let's figure this out.
Okay. First of all, repeat after me.
"I will never...
- "... ever... - "... ever...
"... ever...
"... fuck my mom again."
Fuck your mom again.
Boys, we don't have to be so quick to...
Fine. Whatever you want.
We good? Anything else?
What's up with the guitar?
Ladies, I am home!
Here's Mr. Big fucking Hollywood agent.
Steal any fucking clients on the way here, you bald motherfucker?
Is everybody okay here?
Yeah. I think it's called a "pimp go get."
You come to my house,
you push around a couple of girls.
You could have called, texted, we work this out ourselves.
You poached my girl.
That skank, she belongs to me.
Sweetheart, put those fingers away. Who knows where they've been?
Wait a sec, I fucking do. They've been in my ass.
- That was one time. - Yeah. One good time. Hey, jerk-off,
you know what a fucking contract is?
- This is not a very good deal, Daisy. - You think?
Bad news, you're connected to Gilbert Gottfried here for life.
Good news, this will never hold up in court, asshole.
Maybe not, Perry mason, but guess what?
A lot of not-nice shit can happen during that time.
You wanna fucking take that chance?
Motherless cunt bastard!
- Fuck you. - Fuck you!
Okay. You know, , that wasn't very nice at all.
That's my soy milk, and I have serious dairy issues.
- I bet you do. - I want you out of my house.
Now. And, you,
please put my wife down.
I got no problem with that, but Daisy,
she's coming with me. Sweetheart, Come on, honey. We've got a past.
You know that whole speculum series we wanted to do?
I think the time is right. Come on, let's make some porn!
- How much you want for her? - She's not a fucking slave, Charlie!
You know what, pal? I believe in this girl!
Yeah. She is gonna be a huge star one day.
Vaginatown is just the beginning.
There will be much ruing of this day.
Ruing, right. Big fucking star. Jenna fucking Jameson.
Wait a second. There's fucking Chinese! Big! Nice!
Okay, look. It's all gonna be okay. Everything's cool.
I'm gonna give him some money from the emergency fund.
- No, no, baby. - Baby, you said it yourself,
She's family, okay?
And that's what the money's for, emergencies.
- I can't let you do this. - What's the alternative?
If you go back with him,
you'll be starring in your own line of gynecological training films.
- Not on my watch. - Okay. Baby. Baby!
- Maybe you should write him a check. - I will give him what...
All of it?
You spent all of it?
That was my mad money, baby.
Pleasure doing business with you, captain jackass!
I love that car.
I'm sorry, daddy.
I don't know what happened to me.
You're going to your mother's.
But going to my mother's makes me want to do drugs!
- A lot of 'em! - I don't want to hear it.
It's a good place for you to chill out.
Whatever you say, daddy.
I'll help you knock this monkey off your back, baby.
If you let me.
Where are we going?
Nowhere. Just going for a walk.
- No one walks in L.A. - We do.
Always have, always will.
We're New Yorkers.
There is no "always."
There's just right now.
You don't like me very much right now, do you?
No. I don't.
You know, I know I say this too much...
All the time, probably,
but I was wrong to do what I did,
and I was wrong to...
be so glib about trying to fix it.
There is no right or wrong, dad,
just the consequences of your actions.
You taught me that.
I guess I don't like the consequences of my actions very much right now.
Me neither.
So...
What is it that you like so much about this boy?
- I don't know. - Come on.
It's got to be something. Use your words.
He's really smart.
Let's not go crazy.
And he makes me feel pretty.
Well, that you are. You're very pretty. You're beautiful.
Shut up. I'm not beautiful.
Don't say that. Look.
Don't ever say that. You are...
beautiful. You're the most beautiful thing in the world to me.
Then treat me that way.
I'm always on your side, dad, always.
Even when I shouldn't be. But I'm sick of it.
Get your shit together before it's too late!
I don't care if you and mom never say another kind word to each other,
but I'm sick and tired of parenting you both.
I'm a fucking kid!
I don't know what I'm doing half the time.
But I do know this:
If you keep cracking jokes and taking another drink
and pretending that life is one big, stupid party,
you will miss everything.
You have fun, okay?
Not too much fun.
Hey, Damien.
Can I take you down to the guitar center
and get you something cooler than that one?
No, man. This guitar is awesome. It's like...
Something Cobain would have played.
Awesome.
Have fun, honey.
May I have another, please?
I don't think so.
Really? Am I that sloshed?
No. But if I'm gonna take you home with me,
I don't want you to be at... half-mast.
I'm so flattered.
I just don't think I'd be very good company for anybody tonight.
Why not? I've heard good things.
No, I am very agreeable.
And you are nothing if not a beautiful barmaid.
I've just got a little too much...
of my daughter's voice running around in my head right now
to be good company for anybody. That's not as creepy
as it sounds, either.
Honestly.
So,
tonight, I think you're just gonna have to settle for...
The tip!
Just the tip!
Get it? Got it? Good.
Good night, Hank.
Good night, beautiful barmaid.
Am I too late?
Did you already wet yourself?
So, What are we drinking?