Previously on Californication...
My mama!
That thirsty little nose of yours is costing us some money.
- I'm sorry, daddy. - You're going to your mother's.
Going to my mother's makes me want to do drugs!
What { he fuck }is this?
{Just Giving you a little }Here's something to put in your book. We drove out here together.
I ended up producing. She ended up alone.
You don't know me. {My name is }Hank Moody. I'm a writer.
I want to ask you a question about Lew Ashby.
Did I say that you could talk to her?
Jesus. You've got a bit of an overprotective vibe.
Look, I have many vices, my friend, but jailbait ain't one of them.
Excuse me, gents.
All right, repeat after me. I will never...
- "I will never..." - Fuck Mia again.
Oh, no! You didn't!
This is sick and wrong!
{ ad(300,900)}Subtitles:
I'll make you a deal. You guys stop playing, and I'll accept Jesus...
As my personal savior.
Who the fuck are you?
My bad. You guys keep living the dream.
For once, I believe you actually wrote something.
{And }I also believe{ that } you should honestly consider
never writing anything ever again.
Thanks, but I'm not interested in the opinion of someone
whose cultural significance went out with hammer pants.
Don't knock hammer pants. They let a man move.
What did you think, baby?
I love it.
It's as though, Janis and Alanis had a baby.
Yeah, and they put it a dumpster to howl away its pathetic little existence.
I'm gonna be thinking about that all day.
And you can think about this.
And you, Hankie, can think about this!
Hey, Ashby. I just have one thing to say.
I don't wanna break the girl's heart, but I can't take any more power ballads.
Suggestions? Please.
Extricate yourself immediately, if not sooner.
But, Jesus, she fucks like she
knows things, you know? Like she's been places, seen some shit.
Hey, wait! How did the interview with my old lady go?
It went.
Yeah? What did... What did she say about me?
She misses me, right? I-I mean, at least in the sack.
Well, I'll know more when I see her again.
Moody, I thought this thing was, over.
I'm going over there right now after I douche my ears.
Well, go then. Enjoy.
You touch her,
I will cut your cheeks with a straight razor.
{1}That is bullshit.
{1}He's just being dramatic.
{1}I don't mean as much to him as he'd have you believe.
{1}I don't know, lady. To hear him tell it, you're the one that got away.
Ran away screaming is more like it.
{3}What was he like back then?
{3}I guess probably the same as he is now...
A lost boy.
{3}Sweet, well-intentioned, loves the women...
A little too much.
What makes him so good, then? What do you think?
{3}{You know what? }He listens. He hears things in a song that no one else can.
- So, what was the last straw? - None of your business.
{3}Janie Jones, I do believe the man is still in love with you.
{3}His sun rises and sets with you.
{I think that }He would toss everything he's got just to get another shot with you.
That's what I believe.
{3}{You know what? }We were in the middle of living our happily-ever-after
when I walked in on him one day writing a song with a Sheryl Crow wannabe.
And I don't know. I just freaked out.
I mean, it was more intimate than fucking.
{And I know }He always said that he had to fall in love with everyone he worked with.
He had to open himself up to the music.
But I guess I just...
Got sick of sharing him.
So I bailed. Does that make me superficial?
Just human.
Well, look at this. It looks like you got the happily-ever-after after all.
- Damn straight. - Don't you want to talk to him?
Just out of curiosity. Don't you Miss him a little bit?
Oh, yeah. Sure. I Miss him.
Like you'd miss a bad case of the crabs
if you got them from Robert Plant or Jesus or someone.
This is a little-known fact about Jesus. He was well known for his V.D.
He made the ladies itch all the way from Galilee to Nazareth.
- You're just like him. - Jesus?
- You know, I get that a lot. - You do?
- Let's see if you can walk on water. - Save my words!
- Oh, what are you, a child? - What are you, a grown-up?
You ruined a perfectly good glass of scotch.
Get back in here. The water's warm.
{And I believe }We should do a little synchronized swimming.
I think that's enough for one day. I have revealed
way more than I thought I should. How did you do that?
It's what I do. It's a gift.
Janie!
What is that? The balls and chain?
- This does not look good. Come here. - Janie, where the fuck are you?
- Come on. - Hold on, hold on.
Just wait in here for a few minutes. I'll be back.
I want you to take her directly to the airport, okay?
Whatever's on the meter when you get there, I will triple it
if you see to it she makes it to the security line.
Don't worry, daddy. I'll be a good girl.
It's really hard for me to trust you right now, baby.
I know.
My dirty little whore of a nose is sorry that she let you down.
But she loves you so much she's willing to go chill out at her mother's.
I've never seen you go voluntarily to your mother's before.
I want to fix this, Charlie.
And if it means shacking up with that troll,
that's what I'm gonna do.
- Let's go. - Why?
- Come on. - What're you doing?
- I should drive you. - No. You have your meeting.
Well, we'll reschedule.
Baby, I'm a big girl.
You need to stay here and take care of you
and Daisy.
I promise we won't have any fun while you're gone.
We'll be wishing we were at a retirement community in Tucson.
Nothing like pinochle and menopause jokes.
A blur of canes and walkers.
But look for me. I'll be the one soliciting all the gray hairs:
"I'll suck your dick, old man."
Bye, baby.
Put down those shuffleboard sticks,
Marcy's coming to suck your dicks!
It's your knight in shining armor.
Your lord? Your pasha?
What's mandarin for "dream lover"? "Mang-mang kin ren"?
Probably the opposite of whatever the word for "mouth rapist" is.
I'm not gonna be there to pick up Becca from school today, okay?
I'll explain later.
- I can't wait to hear it. - No, it's actually a very good one.
But right now, I've got to see a man about a horse, so...
No banos.
So I used the "sinkos."
Hey, you.
No father-type figure.
But knowing your father, he'll probably be here
on Saturday or Sunday to pick you up.
I don't want to hear anything bad about him.
- It's Mia. - Don't bother.
She's not driving. She's got other plans.
Really? What? Like "older boyfriend" plans?
Something like that.
I don't do this nearly as much as you think.
Makes me paranoid.
Paranocio.
Plus the old lady, back when I had one,
{she }didn't approve of me ingesting the substances.
Not that she was above it herself.
Where do you stand on the issue?
Well, that wasn't exactly a response, but I'll take it.
How does, Mrs. Jones seem to you?
Is she a good jefa?
Is she contento?
What's going on here? A language barrier?
Mi vieja es...
Es... stick up asso.
Hypocrita.
El doble standardo.
Ella fumar
sino si yo fumar,
ella cortar los cojones grandes.
Yes!
You're beautiful when you smile.
I wish you did speak English. I have a lot to discuss
on the subject of accidental cunnilingus.
Why the fuck wouldn't i speak English?
Give a brother a heads-up
before he divulges his entire history with women.
I was enjoying your Spanglish way too much to stop you.
- My Spanglish is muy bueno. - Rosario!
Fuck!
- What? - Get out of here. Go...
Rosario.
Mr. Jones.
I was thinking that now might be the perfect time
for one of our performance reviews.
Maybe later, when I finish my work?
This is part of your work.
Dios mio.
I'm fairly new to porn myself. Still, let me just say,
it's nice to be in an office occupied by a real executive.
On a couch that's actually used for sitting.
Love it!
Daisy, you are so funny. Oh, do the end of Vaginatown.
"She's my sister, my daughter, my sister...
"I'll never figure it out without a cock in me!"
I didn't realize that also played comedically.
We think that Daisy has what it takes
to be an intense girl.
That is great. Just great.
But we're fielding offers from a few studios,
so can you tell us what sets intense apart?
Well, Daisy will have access to our marketing and distribution teams.
And with that kind of exposure, Daisy can name her price at strip clubs,
fan events, tours.
Not to mention merchandising.
Her face will be on the package
of thousands of rubber vaginas.
Great!
Of course, all intense girls are all at least double Ds.
You don't have a problem getting implants, do you?
Wait a minute.
I'm no expert, but I consider myself quite a masturbator.
I've certainly rubbed them out to girls a lot smaller-chested than Daisy here.
Well, that porn does exist. But it's a niche.
Like shrimping or granny-fucking.
Who says shrimping is niche?
We love what we see.
We just want to see a little more of it, right?
Fine, but you got to know
that if my client is even gonna consider this request,
you'd be buying them. We're not paying for fun bags.
You know, I'm all for a little affair of the heart, but that dude?
I think you can do a lot better.
It wasn't always that bad.
I fell for him at first. He was gonna leave his wife for me.
And he was gonna pay so my whole family could go to college
or some shit like that.
Rosario, te amo, muchacha.
Linda, hermosa, bella t?.
No me gusta.
Give me your jeans.
No, I don't want you to do a whole load of dark.
I'm good. They're drying.
No, papi. Don't worry.
I just want to see you out of them.
This is wrong on so many different levels.
When we're done, can you at least let me mop up?
Oh, my God.
It's my phone.
Mia is dating Lew Ashby!
I am as surprised as you are.
What the fuck?
We are meant to be taking care of her, not letting her skip school
so { hat }she can sit in the laps of old men.
Hey, you're the one that condoned it.
- Are you out of your fucking mind? - Who was the one that said
dating an older man was a "valid life experience"? Quote.
Fuck!
No, not... you know, I didn't mean it like that.
I believe someone is owed an apology, and his name is Hank.
No, because you brought this man into our lives, okay?
- So you can fix it. - I tried to stop it.
{Look, a}Anyway, I have it on good authority
that relationship is not long for this world,
so relax.
Wait a minute. Hank?
{"Hank"? }Why are you saying "Hank" like that?
Like what? Like, since when did you care how I say "Hank"?
Why are you so up my ass about the way I think you say "Hank"?
You're fucking paranoi... Are you stoned?
La vieja?
Fuck you.
La vieja.
- I think we should reconsider. - It's a career move.
It's wrong is what it is.
We were fools to agree to surgery.
Thousands of rubber vaginas.
Yeah, to get your face on those vaginas,
you have to undo your very Daisy-ness.
Everything in my career has been leading up to this.
I wanna be a star, Charlie.
The real stars do not get their boobs done.
The Julias, the Meryls, the Nicoles.
Nicole Clitman? She has E's.
She needs them to distract people from the rest of her. You don't.
Come on. Daisy.
You know, don't hide behind silicone.
Be brave enough to be yourself.
You're a real star.
You're an asshole!
- But we haven't even dated. - No, I'm a little too old for you.
You date children.
She's 17.
Okay, but to be fair, when I met her, I thought she was 19.
Not helping, right?
- You're disgusting. - Okay, look...
Don't leave in a huff.
You know, I design houses for a living.
And usually, when someone wants a giant behemoth like this,
it's because they're hiding from something.
Which is a good idea for you. If you ever took the time
to look in the mirror, just for a second,
you'd see yourself as you really are.
There's a reason why you can only attract 17-year-olds.
It's because you're pathetic!
Fuck.
Think we'll make it out of here by sunset?
The coast is clear.
Don't fall again.
Hey there.
- What the fuck? - Hola.
Who the fuck is this?
- I know you from somewhere. - Don't worry your little head about it.
Rosario {here }is my amiga. And she tells me when she tried to call it quits
between you two, you didn't wanna stop. Now, I'm all for the...
That's cool. I'm not one to judge.
But you... the power relations are skewed here, you understand?
You got to read your Karl Marx. I want you to respect her shit.
- What're you talking... - I don't wanna hear she's been let go.
The day I hear about that, { hat's the day that }your old lady hears about it, comprende?
- Fuck you. - Fuck me?
- No, fuck you, Ron. - Fuck you, Ron.
Yeah, fuck you, Ron.
Fuck you, Ron.
- This is over. - It's over, buddy.
If it's any consolation, I think she got you out of her system.
Several times. Twice in Spanish,
- couple times in English there. - Dos.
Once in Spanglish. An underrated movie, in my opinion.
What's going on here?
- Did you fuck my maid? - No hablo Ingleses.
That is unbelievable.
You know, I was trying to make a graceful exit,
but red-faced angry hockey dad
likes to keep baby in a corner and keep his gate locked up.
What was I thinking
letting the Hank Moodys and the Lew Ashbys of the world
- back into my life? - You were probably thinking
you needed a break from red-faced angry hockey dad.
Let me just ask you about Rosario. Can I ask you not to...
fire her, if that's too much? I get the feeling she needs the job
and there are mouths to feed, so...
I'm not gonna fire Rosario.
She keeps on keeping house like that, she can keep fucking my husband.
You're some kind of a neat-freak.
I'm not an idiot. I know all about it.
I just don't know that I actually care.
I'm not sure I buy that, Janie Jones.
Look, I know I'm not on top of my game here,
but I don't want to lose
the most compelling part of my book, so...
I'm sure that Lew Ashby has plenty of compelling parts
- stashed around this entire city. - But you're the key.
Can we just finish this interview
without, you know, the dip in the pool
and the dip in the maid?
I'm done talking about Lew. Go.
If you want to see me again,
you just have to ask me out.
Hold that thought.
- What is this stuff? - Okay. Here's the deal.
See,
my 57-second performance in Vaginatown
was no one-time thing.
- You come... - Rather quickly.
You poor baby!
No, no! I'm lucky.
Lucky to live in an age when there are various tools available
of which those of my ilk can avail themselves. See?
There is numbing cream. That's good stuff.
Extra-thick condoms...
Anal beads?
They shouldn't be in this box.
Those puppies make me come like a fire hose.
You are not gonna need any of that stuff with me.
Hey, what are you doing?
Look, I can't see you naked yet.
I'm gonna coach you through this.
Cock control is mainly mental.
So, what is your most embarrassing teen moment?
High school. State debate championship.
Yeah, I was ahead, and then I popped a boner.
So just think about that.
No good. I shame-jizz.
I'll just do the yonic pretzel.
What the fuck is a yonic pretzel?
It's like a negative Kegel.
- A negative what? - It's just complicated vagina shit.
Every time you think you're gonna blow,
just pinch me.
And then that'll be my cue to pretzel, okay?
I don't know.
Trust me.
You believed in me,
and I believe in you.
I'm gonna get you through this.
- Here. - Me? Okay. Yeah.
A little anesthetic never hurt.
And you're right. I am an asshole.
- I know. - I'm not gonna lie to you and say
that Mia is an old soul, but...
She is...
charming...
Witty,
- and gorgeous. - Yes,
but she's less than half your age.
But by the time charming, witty, and gorgeous women
get to be my age, they want nothing to do with me.
So that's your rationale. That's okay.
No, it's true. Take yourself, for example.
- You've had your share of man-children. - Excuse me!
You'd see me coming a mile away, right?
Man's got a point.
But I guess I wouldn't have seen you coming at 17,
which is why we protect our children.
The whole age thing's a real sticking point with you.
Geez. Forgive a guy. Can you just forgive a guy?
I mean, surely, there's other older men that have dated Mia, right?
Not as far as I know.
- And if you did know? - I don't know.
If they were like you, I wouldn't speak with them ever again.
Interesting.
- What's interesting? - 'Cause we're truth-telling.
What?
Nothing.
I take women as they come to me.
Any woman who is kind enough to have me, I don't question.
- That's beautiful. That's nice of you. - I missed a little bit.
What the fuck?
I thought I saw a green light there. I did.
- No. - No, absolutely.
What?
I've got to go. You're insane.
Call me.
Your Jedi clam tricks really work.
Yeah. I'm really doing it. Staying in the game.
My penis is still in your vagina.
Way to go, champ!
Holy shit!
I'm king of fuck mountain! I could go for days!
- That's not totally necessary. - It's no problem.
- You just enjoy yourself. - I'm actually a little sore.
That's cool. Coming is my favorite part.
You earned it.
Okay, please don't pick that up.
I'm chafing.
It's Ilene. Where the hell is my daughter?
She doesn't pick up. She doesn't call.
What the fuck, Runkle? She had manners before she married you.
Son of a bitch!
Hey, it's the littlest of the Moodys.
I got some sushi. Play some guitar hero. What do you say?
Maybe some other time, dad.
I got the kind with the paper boats. You love you some paper boats.
I'm meeting Damien.
You know, fuck that Harry Chapin.
Prophetic bastard, "cat's in the cradle."
Motherfucker. I should have picked her up.
Right.
It's not her loss, you know...
You had your chance, and now you don't, so...
Oh, yeah. You want sushi?
No. I Would that I could.
I have to go meet Sonja and your best friend
- at the gallery at the Bergamot. - The bearded bozo?
Take some with. I got way too much.{ I got}
- Like 20 lbs. - It doesn't travel so well.
- ... paper boats. - Thank you. But you could, you know,
just make yourself at home and
And lock up after.
Well, yeah, this...
Used to be my home once.
And I used to be your girl once.
- Okay. - Hey, about...
You know, the Mia thing with Ashby.
I'll take care of it. I'm gonna protect her.
It's already taken care of.
No, it's unforgivable. She's still a kid.
- I took care of it. - How? How did you do that?
I mean, the guy's an animal, a moving train.
He's pure Id.
Yeah, you're right.
But he is a great kisser, so...
What?
I think you heard me.
So, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go see a man about a horse.