1
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Previously on Californication...

2
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No one wants to publish your book.

3
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That's a big fuckin' bummer.

4
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I could really use an influx
of cashish right about now.

5
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Runkle, quit beating your meat.

6
00:00:11,302 --> 00:00:13,512
Hank Moody, Sue Collini.

7
00:00:13,555 --> 00:00:15,264
- Becca's dad, right?
- Yikes.

8
00:00:15,306 --> 00:00:18,142
- Chelsea's mum?
- Hey, speak of the she-devils.

9
00:00:18,184 --> 00:00:20,519
- Can I go over to Chelsea's?
- Actually, stay for dinner.

10
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Hank Moody.

11
00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:24,314
I'd like to introduce you
to Richard Bates, the writer.

12
00:00:24,357 --> 00:00:26,817
- He's going to be teaching here this year.
- Big fan.

13
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- Drink with me.
- (Stacy) Ten years' sobriety,

14
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- down the drain.
- Fuck me.

15
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I can't afford to keep paying rent
and mortgage at the same time.

16
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OK, I'll move back in.

17
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- This can't be right.
- It's within his rights.

18
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Oh! Yes!

19
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You're the dean
of this fine institute of fancy book learning?

20
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Correct.

21
00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:45,044
Who wants to see me tuck
and do the pee-pee dance?

22
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Let's get your clothes.

23
00:00:48,214 --> 00:00:50,924
What about Bates?
Is he gonna be able to do his thing?

24
00:00:51,009 --> 00:00:53,594
From rehab? I doubt it.

25
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You wouldn't happen to know
of any other bad-boy novelists

26
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looking for a teaching gig, would you?

27
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(Whistles)

28
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(Muttering gibberish)

29
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Mm!

30
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- Yes, Marcy.
- How are things at work, Teach?

31
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Excellent question, Cougar Smurf.

32
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Aside from the fact that I generally loathe
young people, it's a pretty cush gig.

33
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We're keeping our hands
off the young nubiles, are we?

34
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Please. Teenage girls are greatly overrated.

35
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Present company excepted, of course.

36
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Of course.

37
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Are you OK over there?
Are you stroking out or something?

38
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- Whatever do you mean?
- You're grinning like a mongoloid.

39
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No, I think I'm just feeling grateful.

40
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- This seems like old times, don't it?
- Here we go.

41
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Truth be told, I remember the food
being a hell of a lot better.

42
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What about this steak?
Tastes like prison ass.

43
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Becca. Miss.

44
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You're not eating.
What's wrong with you?

45
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- Nothing. I'm on a diet.
- What?

46
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Hey, you are a beautiful
young white woman. Remember that.

47
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- You do not need to be on a diet.
- Dad, I could easily lose ten pounds.

48
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(Gasps) Your mother would kill me
if you develop an eating disorder.

49
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I like me a big girl.

50
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Yeah, before Marcy here, most
of my girlfriends were somewhat zaftig.

51
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I remember. Your apartment
was like half off at Lane Bryant.

52
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That's right. That's right.
Big and getable. That's the way I liked 'em.

53
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And then old half-pint here came along...

54
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Oh, God. Please cut the sweet talk,
will you? We're not together.

55
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We're living together.
There is a huge difference.

56
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Hey, hey. I have made my intentions known.

57
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- Love will find a way.
- (Doorbell)

58
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No, no, no, no. Sit, sit!
Relax, eat, enjoy.

59
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Mwah. I will get it.

60
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I'm sorry, my Nubian brother.
We're right in the middle of dinner.

61
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- We're not interested this evening. Ta.
- Not interested in what, exactly?

62
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Whatever it is you're selling, brother.

63
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Let me guess. Magazine subscriptions?

64
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- I'm here for Marcy.
- Marcy? My wife?

65
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I'm here to pick up Marcy. For our date.

66
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Hi. Thank you!

67
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See you around, my... Nubian brother.

68
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(Man) "The shy, talented vampire
looked up to his centuries-old mentor.

69
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"Even in the twilight
of his eternal youth,

70
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"the old man was wicked-smart
and roguishly handsome,

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"a glint of the devil flickering
in his beautiful, undead eyes.

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"The young vampire knew
there was much to be learned

73
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"from his blood-sucking mentor.

74
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"How to live, how to feed, how to fuck.

75
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"But the boy was hungry.

76
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"Ravenous, actually.

77
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"Soon he would have to feed,
and feed he would.

78
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"The moronic frat boys
that mocked him on a daily basis

79
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"were good for something, at least."

80
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(Clears throat)

81
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(Coughs)

82
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Uh... I... I'm just, uh, texting with my daughter.

83
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It's the only time she actually
acknowledges my existence.

84
00:04:59,674 --> 00:05:02,175
OK, so what about Balt's story?

85
00:05:02,218 --> 00:05:05,846
I heard something about vampires and
frat boys and come, so I'm half-chubbed.

86
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How about the rest of you spoiled rich kids?

87
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Someone?

88
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Anyone?

89
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Bueller? Bueller?

90
00:05:17,608 --> 00:05:20,152
Bueller. What say ye, Jackie?

91
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He's my roommate. He'll get mad at me.

92
00:05:24,115 --> 00:05:26,783
Maybe, but ultimately he'll thank you

93
00:05:26,826 --> 00:05:29,786
for having the balls
to say something of substance.

94
00:05:29,871 --> 00:05:31,955
OK.

95
00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:35,625
Well, I've told him a thousand times
he needs to drop the vampire bullshit.

96
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It's stupid. You're not a fucking
creature of the night, Balt.

97
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- Says you, slut.
- See? What'd I tell you?

98
00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:43,633
- Anything else?
- Well...

99
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Uh, there was an awful lot of talk
about fucking, but no actual sex.

100
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That kind of bummed me out.

101
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Well, it is possible that longing for
something is better than actually having it.

102
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I've heard it said that satisfaction
is the death of desire.

103
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Interesting. Do you need a tampon?
I think I have an extra in my purse.

104
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Ow. Whoa. Look at the time already.

105
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- Wow.
- Actually, there's 15 minutes left.

106
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Which is why I will leave you with this.

107
00:06:09,077 --> 00:06:10,786
I can't teach you how to write,

108
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and anybody who says they can
is full of shit.

109
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The only thing I can do is write
about the shit that excites me,

110
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the shit that gets me hard.

111
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So, Balt,
if you want to write about vampires

112
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drinking each other's blood and come
and whatnot, by all means, go for it.

113
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Write the shit out of it.
Don't be niggardly with your emotions.

114
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Just run it up the flagpole
and see who salutes, OK?

115
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Now get the fuck out of here.

116
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Go read a book or something.
Preferably one of mine.

117
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You know,
I try not to think about it too much,

118
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but I could have been TA-ing
for Richard Bates right now,

119
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and that would have been
a real education for me.

120
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I was doing my thesis on him.

121
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Yeah, and then you had to go
and knock him off the wagon.

122
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But look how it worked out for you. You get
to learn at the feet of a master... bator.

123
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Oh! Clearly.

124
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- Oh, hi, Felicia.
- Hi.

125
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- How's it going, Professor?
- In a word? Awesome.

126
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Ooh. Interesting curriculum.

127
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Ah, look at that. I sound like a fuckin' retard.

128
00:07:12,765 --> 00:07:14,641
No. Don't be so hard on yourself.

129
00:07:14,684 --> 00:07:18,228
But you might want to erase it before word
spreads through these hallowed halls.

130
00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:20,021
Academics can be vicious.

131
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At least I'm not tucking my dong in class.

132
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Not with my pants off, anyway.

133
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Have you taken the sexual
harassment seminar yet?

134
00:07:26,821 --> 00:07:28,738
Yeah, I had Jill take it for me online.

135
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What? What?

136
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:36,705
- (Sighs)
- It's like traffic school.

137
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:44,254
Uh, David Curran wants to know
why you gave him a C.

138
00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:46,381
OK, I'll bite. Why'd I give him a C?

139
00:07:48,176 --> 00:07:52,637
You know, as your TA, I'm happy to read
the students' material and suggest a grade,

140
00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:55,765
but, you know,
you're supposed to read it also.

141
00:07:55,808 --> 00:07:57,684
What do you think of Jackie?

142
00:07:58,644 --> 00:08:01,605
- You think she's hot, don't you?
- I haven't thought about it.

143
00:08:01,647 --> 00:08:05,108
- But now that I have, yeah, she's smoking.
- You're old enough to be her father.

144
00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:07,527
Well, sure, I could be, but I'm not.

145
00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:09,779
And I have no interest
in making sweet love to her

146
00:08:09,822 --> 00:08:13,366
aside from the general interest that all men
have in making sweet love to all women.

147
00:08:13,409 --> 00:08:15,619
You know, I don't think
I can be your TA any more.

148
00:08:15,661 --> 00:08:17,037
- I understand.
- You do?

149
00:08:17,079 --> 00:08:19,122
You find me irresistible.

150
00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:21,458
(Chuckles) That's close.

151
00:08:21,542 --> 00:08:24,252
- I find you irritating.
- Careful. That's how it starts.

152
00:08:24,295 --> 00:08:28,632
The mother of my problem child would say
the exact same thing. Seriously. Watch it.

153
00:08:28,674 --> 00:08:30,467
Has a woman ever punched you in the face?

154
00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:32,636
You know what? You should use me.

155
00:08:32,678 --> 00:08:33,845
- Really?
- Mm-hm.

156
00:08:33,888 --> 00:08:36,139
Mm-hm. I should use you.
I'm... I'm frightened.

157
00:08:36,182 --> 00:08:39,226
As a consultant in your search
for worthy companionship.

158
00:08:39,268 --> 00:08:43,313
I, Hank Moody, am a prime example
of how the male noggin works.

159
00:08:43,397 --> 00:08:45,482
Say you're out on a date with some dick,

160
00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:48,443
he does something you can't quite decipher,
you call me up,

161
00:08:48,486 --> 00:08:51,029
I'll tell you what it meant.

162
00:08:51,072 --> 00:08:53,865
Thanks, dick. That's a great idea.

163
00:08:53,908 --> 00:08:57,369
- I'm gonna think about it while I'm peeing.
- Tinkle, tinkle.

164
00:08:57,411 --> 00:08:58,537
(Knock at door)

165
00:08:58,579 --> 00:09:01,456
Professor Moody, uh, can I have a word?

166
00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:05,460
I suppose so, but I was thinking
of ducking out and catching a movie.

167
00:09:05,503 --> 00:09:08,547
But I guess not.
Office hours and whatnot.

168
00:09:08,589 --> 00:09:10,006
Come in. Have a seat.

169
00:09:10,049 --> 00:09:13,802
- Call me Hank.
- Thank you, Hank.

170
00:09:13,844 --> 00:09:16,054
I changed my mind.
Call me Professor Moody.

171
00:09:17,306 --> 00:09:20,475
I'm just fucking with you. Not really.

172
00:09:22,270 --> 00:09:25,564
- What do you want?
- Look, I need to know...

173
00:09:25,606 --> 00:09:27,607
- if I'm a writer.
- Mm!

174
00:09:27,650 --> 00:09:30,151
Jesus Christ, kid.
Who am I to tell you that?

175
00:09:30,236 --> 00:09:33,655
Well, you're my teacher. I respect you,
and I think you're an awesome writer.

176
00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:36,616
- Thank you.
- I've read all your books. Cover to cover.

177
00:09:36,659 --> 00:09:39,578
I love your picture on the back, by the way.
It's very handsome.

178
00:09:39,620 --> 00:09:41,246
Thank... you.

179
00:09:41,289 --> 00:09:45,041
You're the mentor, you know? In my story?

180
00:09:45,084 --> 00:09:48,753
The young vampire
has a crush on the old one.

181
00:09:50,131 --> 00:09:52,257
It's you. It's a metaphor.

182
00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:54,884
I'm the old vampire. Fantastic.

183
00:09:54,927 --> 00:09:58,346
Come on, Hank... Professor Moody.

184
00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:02,559
Brutal truth. I can take it.

185
00:10:03,352 --> 00:10:07,147
- Brutal truth, huh?
- Mm-hm. Absolutely.

186
00:10:10,151 --> 00:10:13,486
Your story was bad.
It was terrible, in fact.

187
00:10:13,529 --> 00:10:16,364
It was like that lame Twilight bullshit.

188
00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:19,993
I have no patience for that crap.
It's not writing. It's like bound toilet paper.

189
00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:24,581
I'm not saying you won't get better if you
keep writing, because you will. No question.

190
00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:27,792
But I am saying that if you can do
anything else with your life right now,

191
00:10:27,835 --> 00:10:31,463
anything at all,
I think maybe you should do that.

192
00:10:31,505 --> 00:10:34,174
Cos the world doesn't need
any more lame vampire fiction.

193
00:10:34,216 --> 00:10:36,718
You know what I'm saying?

194
00:10:37,553 --> 00:10:40,639
- You with me, amigo?
- I think so.

195
00:10:41,557 --> 00:10:44,934
- Brutal truth, right?
- Uh, right.

196
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:54,027
Teaching's not so hard.

197
00:10:56,030 --> 00:10:58,323
I feel bad. He was clearly crushing on me.

198
00:10:58,366 --> 00:11:01,576
- Maybe I led him on.
- (Charlie) Hm? How so?

199
00:11:01,619 --> 00:11:03,912
Maybe I was sending out signals.

200
00:11:03,954 --> 00:11:06,706
- Fuck. Maybe I'm gay.
- Hank, please.

201
00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:09,125
- We're all gay.
- What the what the?

202
00:11:09,168 --> 00:11:11,628
- I'm serious.
- Yeah, I know, and it scares me.

203
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:13,213
All right, let me put it this way.

204
00:11:13,255 --> 00:11:16,716
- If we were trapped on a desert island...
- I don't like where this is going.

205
00:11:16,759 --> 00:11:20,178
It would only be a matter of time
before I was putting it in your pooper.

206
00:11:20,221 --> 00:11:22,347
Hey, I may be easy, but I am not sleazy.

207
00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:24,516
Besides, I don't really see myself
as a bottom.

208
00:11:24,558 --> 00:11:26,142
Fine. You put it in my pooper.

209
00:11:27,395 --> 00:11:30,063
- My fist, maybe.
- Whatever floats your boat.

210
00:11:30,106 --> 00:11:32,857
My point being, we're just animals.

211
00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:36,528
Perhaps, but this animal prefers the warm,
cosy confines of the female vagina.

212
00:11:36,570 --> 00:11:39,823
But faced with a severe vaginal drought,
men will be men.

213
00:11:39,865 --> 00:11:41,408
Boys will do boys.

214
00:11:41,450 --> 00:11:44,160
You've given this a fair amount of thought,
haven't you?

215
00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:46,413
It's like when you were a kid, OK?

216
00:11:46,455 --> 00:11:49,207
- You know what I'm saying?
- No, I do not.

217
00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:52,377
We've all got a gay experience
or two in our back pockets.

218
00:11:52,420 --> 00:11:54,921
Oh, OK. All right.
Now I see where you're going.

219
00:11:54,964 --> 00:11:58,883
- OK. What's yours?
- Oh, no, no, no. You first.

220
00:11:58,926 --> 00:12:02,929
- No way. Bald before beauty.
- All right. You know? Fine. OK.

221
00:12:02,972 --> 00:12:06,057
So when I was growing up,
my best friend was Mike Metz.

222
00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:10,145
- Mm. Mike Metz.
- OK, sometimes we would undress,

223
00:12:10,187 --> 00:12:14,607
we'd lay down on the bed, and just,
you know, touch each other's bodies.

224
00:12:14,650 --> 00:12:16,317
- It wasn't gay.
- Sure.

225
00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:17,902
- It wasn't even sexual.
- Mm-hm.

226
00:12:17,945 --> 00:12:21,573
It was, you know, very loving, act...
It was just an expression of our friendship.

227
00:12:21,615 --> 00:12:23,158
- Mm-hm, mm-hm.
- That's all.

228
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:24,868
Interesting, you and I are friends

229
00:12:24,910 --> 00:12:27,746
yet you've never asked me
to get undressed and touch your body.

230
00:12:27,788 --> 00:12:29,706
So what's yours, big boy?

231
00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:35,170
You tricked me, didn't you?
You miserable fucking bastard.

232
00:12:35,212 --> 00:12:39,007
- You keep that one close to your vest, OK?
- Of course. Of course.

233
00:12:52,146 --> 00:12:54,939
(Marcy) Oh, Jesus.
You're gonna rape me, aren't you?

234
00:12:54,982 --> 00:12:56,858
(Man)
You bet your sweet ass, rich white lady.

235
00:12:56,901 --> 00:13:00,487
- I'm not rich!
- Bullshit! You own a salon. Don't lie to me.

236
00:13:00,529 --> 00:13:02,989
(Marcy) Oh, my God. Put that thing away.

237
00:13:03,032 --> 00:13:07,410
- That big, thick, purple thing!
- That's right. You better recognise.

238
00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:10,371
It's a one-eyed, one-horned,
flying purple white-woman eater.

239
00:13:10,414 --> 00:13:12,457
- Oh!
- And I'm gonna split you like wet pine.

240
00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:14,876
- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
- (Grunts)

241
00:13:16,378 --> 00:13:18,087
Aaargh!

242
00:13:18,130 --> 00:13:19,964
- No means no, you know?
- Charlie!

243
00:13:20,007 --> 00:13:22,258
- This the surprise you were talkin' about?
- What are you doing?

244
00:13:22,301 --> 00:13:24,469
What does it look like I'm doing?
I'm saving you.

245
00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:26,805
Saving me from what? I'm fine!

246
00:13:26,847 --> 00:13:29,724
No, you're not fine. You're being raped!

247
00:13:29,767 --> 00:13:31,476
I am not!

248
00:13:33,187 --> 00:13:35,355
You were too.

249
00:13:36,524 --> 00:13:38,608
We're playing a game.

250
00:13:38,651 --> 00:13:41,653
A game? What kind of game?

251
00:13:41,695 --> 00:13:44,405
Some kind of sick, twisted,
plantation-days kind of thing?

252
00:13:44,448 --> 00:13:46,658
Hey. Watch it, motherfucker.

253
00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:50,703
- It was a fantasy, Charlie.
- A fantasy?

254
00:13:50,746 --> 00:13:52,455
A rape fantasy.

255
00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:55,416
A rape fanta... That is just sick, Marcy.

256
00:13:55,459 --> 00:13:58,545
Sick? I'm sick?

257
00:13:58,587 --> 00:14:03,383
After all the twisted, depraved shit
I've seen you do?

258
00:14:04,176 --> 00:14:07,387
Don't you dare judge me, motherfucker.

259
00:14:07,429 --> 00:14:10,348
Oh, God. I think I'm gonna puke.

260
00:14:10,391 --> 00:14:11,558
Good!

261
00:14:20,985 --> 00:14:23,278
Dean Koons wants to see you.

262
00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:25,446
(Coughs) Hit?

263
00:14:25,489 --> 00:14:27,240
I'm good.

264
00:14:30,661 --> 00:14:32,328
Hey, guys.

265
00:14:32,371 --> 00:14:35,373
Thank you. Thank you.

266
00:14:35,416 --> 00:14:38,501
- For what?
- I heard you wanted to see me,

267
00:14:38,544 --> 00:14:42,088
which must mean you want to congratulate
me for the kick-ass job I've been doing,

268
00:14:42,131 --> 00:14:45,216
so I just wanted to say...
you're welcome.

269
00:14:45,259 --> 00:14:48,136
- It's been my pleasure.
- This is no time to be glib, Hank.

270
00:14:48,178 --> 00:14:50,221
How can you be sure?

271
00:14:50,264 --> 00:14:52,599
I'll handle this, Stacy.

272
00:14:52,641 --> 00:14:54,893
There's been an incident.

273
00:14:54,935 --> 00:14:58,688
OK, well, look.
"Niggardly" is not a racial slur.

274
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:02,025
And, in fact, one might say
that y'all have been niggardly

275
00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:05,028
when it comes to financial
compensation pour moi.

276
00:15:05,070 --> 00:15:07,780
- I'm just saying.
- Are you done handling this?

277
00:15:07,823 --> 00:15:09,866
Because we are dealing
with an idiot man-child.

278
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:13,161
"Oh, me love her too much.

279
00:15:13,203 --> 00:15:16,789
"Me pet her too hard. She no wake up!"

280
00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:19,000
(Groaning)

281
00:15:22,004 --> 00:15:25,340
A student of yours
tried to commit suicide last night.

282
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:31,304
Shitness. Wow. Who?

283
00:15:31,347 --> 00:15:34,140
- Chris Smith.
- Chris Smith?

284
00:15:34,183 --> 00:15:38,144
Chris Smith. Ah, he's not one of mine.
(Whistles) Thank God.

285
00:15:38,187 --> 00:15:42,982
- No, his friends call him Balt.
- Balt? Fuck, I know that dude.

286
00:15:43,025 --> 00:15:44,901
Did he seem despondent at all?

287
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:48,029
More importantly, his roommate
said he had returned from meeting you.

288
00:15:48,072 --> 00:15:51,491
He did stop by... my office-es.

289
00:15:51,533 --> 00:15:54,160
Well, what was discussed?

290
00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:59,290
- Life... Love... Vampires and shit.
- We're not attacking you.

291
00:15:59,375 --> 00:16:02,001
- We're trying to work out what happened.
- Feels like you're attacking...

292
00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:05,254
- It's pretty clear what happened.
- Stop being so condescending, Stacy.

293
00:16:05,297 --> 00:16:07,966
Why don't you just
tender your resignation right now?

294
00:16:08,008 --> 00:16:10,301
Spare us the trouble of an investigation.

295
00:16:10,344 --> 00:16:12,971
You want to handle this, Stacy?
Fine. Go right ahead.

296
00:16:13,013 --> 00:16:14,681
Just leave me out of it.

297
00:16:18,352 --> 00:16:21,562
Someone's sleeping on the couch tonight.

298
00:16:21,605 --> 00:16:24,482
- Good jelly beans.
- Look, Hank...

299
00:16:25,776 --> 00:16:30,697
I know you're not exactly what anyone
would call an education professional.

300
00:16:30,739 --> 00:16:33,241
Or a professional of any kind,
for that matter.

301
00:16:33,283 --> 00:16:36,703
But my wife went out on a limb for you.

302
00:16:36,745 --> 00:16:40,832
She loves Becca. She thought it would be
nice if her father was gainfully employed.

303
00:16:40,874 --> 00:16:43,084
(As Popeye) Ah gah gah gah gah gah!

304
00:16:43,127 --> 00:16:45,378
- That being said...
- Gah gah gah!

305
00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:48,131
That's an antique.

306
00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:52,510
If I find out that you said or did anything
to push that poor kid over the edge,

307
00:16:52,553 --> 00:16:55,972
I'll make it my life's work to make sure
you never step foot on this campus again.

308
00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:58,099
Do you understand me?

309
00:16:58,142 --> 00:17:00,893
Do I have your ear, Hank?

310
00:17:00,936 --> 00:17:03,146
You have beautiful blue eyes.

311
00:17:08,277 --> 00:17:11,612
- Are you high?
- I gotta run. I'll talk to you later.

312
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:15,908
(Sighing)

313
00:17:16,744 --> 00:17:19,787
All work and no ass-play
makes Chuck a dull boy.

314
00:17:19,830 --> 00:17:22,206
Just trying to earn my keep, Sue.

315
00:17:22,249 --> 00:17:25,376
What do you say the two of us
knock off early, huh?

316
00:17:25,419 --> 00:17:28,504
Slip out of this business casual,
nude-up in my jacooze,

317
00:17:28,547 --> 00:17:30,757
see what kind of sodomy laws
we can break?

318
00:17:30,799 --> 00:17:34,052
Sounds like the height of decadence, Sue.

319
00:17:34,094 --> 00:17:36,387
But I should probably
get through this slush pile.

320
00:17:36,430 --> 00:17:38,431
Who knows?
I might even find something good.

321
00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:42,602
Who knows? You might find
something better in my punani.

322
00:17:42,644 --> 00:17:46,731
Yeah. Warren Beatty's lost Rolex, maybe.

323
00:17:46,774 --> 00:17:50,443
(Laughs) Oh, you are a dirty dog.

324
00:17:51,528 --> 00:17:54,113
I like your style, Runkle.

325
00:17:54,156 --> 00:17:58,201
Hey, can I ask you a question, Sue?

326
00:17:58,243 --> 00:18:01,412
The answer's yes.
I would love a face-ride.

327
00:18:01,455 --> 00:18:02,955
(Chuckles) Seriously.

328
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:07,877
Do women ever fantasise...

329
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:10,797
about... being raped?

330
00:18:12,257 --> 00:18:15,009
- Are you trying to get me wet?
- I don't think so.

331
00:18:15,052 --> 00:18:19,597
Yes, Charlie.
Women fantasise about rape.

332
00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:20,973
- Really?
- Mm-hm.

333
00:18:21,016 --> 00:18:26,562
And my own features...
a handsome stranger.

334
00:18:26,605 --> 00:18:32,193
Think Jack, circa...
The Postman Always Rings Twice,

335
00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:35,947
sneaking into my bedroom
and taking me in my sleep.

336
00:18:35,989 --> 00:18:38,074
He pulls down my panties.

337
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:40,326
He enters slowly.

338
00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:43,079
Slips right in. Oh, Jack.

339
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:46,332
The pussy never lies.
Remember that, Runkle.

340
00:18:46,375 --> 00:18:48,626
I kick, I scream, but it's too late.

341
00:18:48,669 --> 00:18:51,921
I mean, the juices are flowing.
The train has left the station.

342
00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:56,175
We are headed for a big, fat, rocky orgasm.

343
00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:59,262
Oh, sweet Jesus, guide me.

344
00:19:05,853 --> 00:19:08,146
Are you trying to tell me something, Runkle?

345
00:19:08,188 --> 00:19:11,190
Are you thinking about some role playing?

346
00:19:11,233 --> 00:19:14,318
Because you name the game,
I'll play the part.

347
00:19:14,361 --> 00:19:16,070
And I'm good at it.

348
00:19:16,113 --> 00:19:18,823
I used to run lines with Margot Kidder.

349
00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:20,616
Before she went apeshit.

350
00:19:20,659 --> 00:19:22,952
Try me sometime.

351
00:19:30,794 --> 00:19:32,795
(Clears throat)

352
00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:35,840
Wow. Look who's here.
What's up, asshole?

353
00:19:35,883 --> 00:19:37,758
That's no way to address your teacher,
young lady.

354
00:19:37,801 --> 00:19:40,094
Is that what you are? A teacher?

355
00:19:40,137 --> 00:19:42,889
I was thinking more like
a destroyer of hopes and dreams.

356
00:19:42,931 --> 00:19:47,351
- Is he gonna be OK?
- Maybe if you put your fuckin' cigarette out.

357
00:19:47,394 --> 00:19:51,689
He's fine. He got depressed and he drank
all the cold medicine he could find.

358
00:19:51,732 --> 00:19:54,108
He's such a fuckin' queen.

359
00:19:58,572 --> 00:20:01,365
- You came.
- Course I did, buddy.

360
00:20:01,408 --> 00:20:04,994
- How you doing?
- I hate myself, and I want to fucking die.

361
00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:07,580
- Oh, been there.
- I doubt it.

362
00:20:07,623 --> 00:20:10,541
What could you possibly know
about being a fucked-up gay kid?

363
00:20:10,584 --> 00:20:13,294
We're all... gay.

364
00:20:13,337 --> 00:20:15,755
In... in some form or another.

365
00:20:15,797 --> 00:20:21,219
We've all had a gay experience
in our past or two.

366
00:20:21,261 --> 00:20:23,429
- You too?
- Oh, hells yeah.

367
00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:25,598
Tell me about it.

368
00:20:29,436 --> 00:20:32,605
Well, when I was a...
when I was a kid,

369
00:20:34,524 --> 00:20:38,694
barely a teenager,
my best friend and I, Mike Metz,

370
00:20:38,737 --> 00:20:41,697
yeah, we would,
uh, we'd get undressed...

371
00:20:44,826 --> 00:20:47,036
Don't stop.

372
00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:50,998
Right. And, um, you know,

373
00:20:51,041 --> 00:20:54,126
we would...
we would lay in bed together...

374
00:20:54,169 --> 00:20:56,003
naked, um...

375
00:20:56,046 --> 00:20:59,423
touching each other's...

376
00:20:59,466 --> 00:21:01,342
naked bodies.

377
00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:06,055
You know, just...
And... and it wasn't, like, uh, sexual or gay,

378
00:21:06,098 --> 00:21:08,307
but just more of a...

379
00:21:08,392 --> 00:21:12,311
more of an expression
of our profound friendship.

380
00:21:13,730 --> 00:21:15,940
See, I don't know.

381
00:21:15,983 --> 00:21:18,442
It sounds pretty fucking gay to me.

382
00:21:18,485 --> 00:21:21,404
It does sound gay.

383
00:21:22,364 --> 00:21:23,906
You know what?

384
00:21:23,991 --> 00:21:26,367
I'm sorry if I bummed you out.

385
00:21:26,410 --> 00:21:28,411
But you got to cut me some slack here.

386
00:21:28,453 --> 00:21:32,623
I'm pretty new to this teaching thing.
I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

387
00:21:33,458 --> 00:21:37,295
You know what I dug about your story?
There was one line I loved.

388
00:21:37,337 --> 00:21:39,338
"The twilight of his eternal youth."

389
00:21:39,381 --> 00:21:42,133
Really dug that. Stuck in my head.

390
00:21:42,175 --> 00:21:44,510
I polished that one for a while, actually.

391
00:21:44,553 --> 00:21:47,054
Mm. Polish it.

392
00:21:47,097 --> 00:21:49,932
Well, shit. I gotta get to work.

393
00:21:50,017 --> 00:21:54,562
- Think you could stay with him for a bit?
- Oh, no, I have, uh...

394
00:21:54,604 --> 00:21:57,356
I got to... I got to run too, so...

395
00:21:59,818 --> 00:22:01,819
Yeah, I can.

396
00:22:01,862 --> 00:22:05,197
- No. You know what you can do for me?
- What?

397
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:08,993
Give her a ride.
She took the bus all the way here.

398
00:22:09,036 --> 00:22:10,953
God knows, she's too hot for that.

399
00:22:10,996 --> 00:22:13,247
I wouldn't want her
getting raped on my account.

400
00:22:13,290 --> 00:22:15,541
That would be most unfortunate.

401
00:22:15,584 --> 00:22:18,502
Come with me.
My rape-proof chariot awaits.

402
00:22:18,545 --> 00:22:20,755
Later, pale skin. I hope you feel better.

403
00:22:20,797 --> 00:22:22,548
Keep scribbling.

404
00:22:22,591 --> 00:22:25,176
- No kiss goodnight?
- Oh.

405
00:22:27,763 --> 00:22:29,847
Bye, honey.

406
00:23:40,085 --> 00:23:42,670
Huh? Charlie!

407
00:23:42,712 --> 00:23:44,422
What the fuck are you doing?

408
00:23:44,464 --> 00:23:46,799
What does it look like I'm doing?
I'm raping you.

409
00:23:46,842 --> 00:23:49,176
Get off me, you fucking asshole!

410
00:23:49,219 --> 00:23:51,679
- Do you love it?
- No! Stop it now!

411
00:23:51,763 --> 00:23:55,141
Because I love it.
This is so not consensual!

412
00:23:55,183 --> 00:23:58,519
- (Punches)
- Oh! Ow! Ow.

413
00:23:58,562 --> 00:24:00,813
Ow. Ow.

414
00:24:00,856 --> 00:24:01,981
Ow.

415
00:24:02,983 --> 00:24:04,650
Fuck!

416
00:24:05,735 --> 00:24:07,611
What are you thinking?

417
00:24:07,654 --> 00:24:10,156
I guess I thought it was
something you might enjoy.

418
00:24:10,198 --> 00:24:14,326
And maybe in the middle you'd be like,
"God, I really do love this schmuck."

419
00:24:14,369 --> 00:24:18,289
You thought that in the middle of raping me
I'd realise how much I love you?

420
00:24:19,332 --> 00:24:21,792
Something like that. Yeah.

421
00:24:21,835 --> 00:24:24,420
But it sounded a lot better
the way I said it.

422
00:24:24,463 --> 00:24:28,215
And, just to be fair, you know,
it was a rape fantasy.

423
00:24:28,258 --> 00:24:31,927
- For you, maybe.
- OK.

424
00:24:31,970 --> 00:24:35,973
Well, I'm sorry for the misunderstanding.
My bad.

425
00:24:40,103 --> 00:24:41,812
Sorry. These are yours.

426
00:24:43,607 --> 00:24:45,483
(Sighs)

427
00:24:56,661 --> 00:24:58,954
(Hank) This is where you work?
(Jackie) Yup.

428
00:24:58,997 --> 00:25:03,209
But you just work the front desk or you're
the cashier or something like that, right?

429
00:25:03,251 --> 00:25:06,045
- Something like that.
- Interesting.

430
00:25:06,087 --> 00:25:09,006
You want to come inside?
Maybe wet your whistle?

431
00:25:09,049 --> 00:25:12,426
- Would that involve seeing you naked?
- Oh, most definitely.

432
00:25:12,469 --> 00:25:16,305
Then, no offence, but I think not.
In the interest of student-teacher relations.

433
00:25:16,348 --> 00:25:19,308
Wow. Look at you with the moral rectitude.

434
00:25:19,351 --> 00:25:21,727
- I'm impressed.
- Me too.

435
00:25:21,770 --> 00:25:23,812
- Thanks for the ride, Prof.
- Any time.

436
00:25:23,855 --> 00:25:27,733
Well, you know, not... not any time.
I don't think this is the best habit to get into.

437
00:25:27,776 --> 00:25:30,653
You were right, you know?
He's a shitty writer.

438
00:25:30,695 --> 00:25:32,446
Someone had to tell him.

439
00:25:32,489 --> 00:25:35,741
Parents tell their kids they can be
anything they want when they grow up,

440
00:25:35,825 --> 00:25:38,786
but that's not true, not for everyone.

441
00:25:38,828 --> 00:25:40,996
Sometimes that can fuck you up a lot more

442
00:25:41,039 --> 00:25:44,333
than someone telling you
you can't do a goddamn thing.

443
00:25:44,376 --> 00:25:48,045
Besides, you can't really teach writing,
can you?

444
00:25:48,088 --> 00:25:51,966
- You're a smart kid. You know that?
- Damn straight.

445
00:25:52,008 --> 00:25:54,927
All right, I got to go shake
my money-makers.

446
00:25:54,970 --> 00:25:56,554
- OK.
- Have a good night.

447
00:25:56,638 --> 00:26:01,684
You have a good night too.
I hope you get, uh, lots of singles... I guess.

448
00:26:01,726 --> 00:26:05,229
- Or fives, or... Benjamins? I don't know.
- All right.

449
00:26:05,272 --> 00:26:06,814
- Bye.
- Bye.

450
00:26:16,825 --> 00:26:19,159
- Hey, where are you going, short stuff?
- Out.

451
00:26:19,202 --> 00:26:21,912
Out, you say? Out where?

452
00:26:21,955 --> 00:26:25,583
- Just out.
- Just out? I'm not familiar with that area.

453
00:26:25,625 --> 00:26:27,626
The promenade. I'm meeting Chelsea.

454
00:26:27,669 --> 00:26:31,005
Oh, not so fast.
How you gonna get there?

455
00:26:31,047 --> 00:26:33,841
I don't know. I'll walk or take the bus.

456
00:26:33,883 --> 00:26:37,094
- Did you even think to ask?
- I didn't think you'd care.

457
00:26:37,178 --> 00:26:40,431
- Well, sorry, honey. Looks like I do.
- OK. Good to know.

458
00:26:40,473 --> 00:26:42,558
- So can I go?
- No.

459
00:26:42,601 --> 00:26:44,226
Why don't you stay in with me tonight?

460
00:26:44,269 --> 00:26:47,605
You know, we'll... we'll watch a movie.
Pop some corn.

461
00:26:47,647 --> 00:26:50,107
The promenade will always be there.
Unfortunately.

462
00:26:50,150 --> 00:26:53,694
Yeah, sounds like a good time,
but I think I'd rather go out.

463
00:26:53,737 --> 00:26:56,739
Well, I... I think I'd rather
have you stay home. How 'bout that?

464
00:26:56,781 --> 00:26:59,700
Got it. Loud and clear. So can I go?

465
00:26:59,743 --> 00:27:01,827
- Asked and answered, Becca.
- Why?

466
00:27:01,870 --> 00:27:05,372
- Because I said so.
- Because you said so?

467
00:27:05,415 --> 00:27:08,500
- Because I said.
- Jesus.

468
00:27:08,543 --> 00:27:11,003
- Who are you texting?
- Chelsea.

469
00:27:11,046 --> 00:27:14,006
- To tell her you're being a total dick.
- What is going on with you?

470
00:27:14,049 --> 00:27:16,842
When did you become such a little snot?

471
00:27:16,885 --> 00:27:21,013
- That is not funny, Becca.
- It's funny to me.

472
00:27:25,602 --> 00:27:28,479
- (Glass shatters)
- I fucking hate you!

473
00:27:28,521 --> 00:27:31,440
Yeah, and I fuckin' hate you too,
you little shit.

474
00:27:33,068 --> 00:27:35,444
(Door slams)