1
00:00:02,127 --> 00:00:03,711
I'm in the middle of a nasty divorce.

2
00:00:04,080 --> 00:00:05,959
You can play hard
to get all you like.

3
00:00:06,084 --> 00:00:08,341
But Sue Collini
always gets the weenie.

4
00:00:09,551 --> 00:00:12,178
- How's it going, professor?
- In a word? Awesome.

5
00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:14,430
Look, Hank,
I know you're not exactly

6
00:00:14,598 --> 00:00:17,516
what anyone would call
an education professional.

7
00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:19,393
But my wife went out
on a limb for you.

8
00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:24,231
- What do you think of Jackie?
- You're old enough to be her father.

9
00:00:24,503 --> 00:00:25,775
You find me irresistible?

10
00:00:25,943 --> 00:00:29,153
- Has a woman ever punched you?
- You know what? You should use me.

11
00:00:29,429 --> 00:00:30,279
Really?

12
00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:32,948
- Do you work here?
- You wanna come?

13
00:00:33,116 --> 00:00:35,701
- Would that involve seeing you naked?
- Most definitely.

14
00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:38,371
I think not. In the interest
of student-teacher relations.

15
00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:40,748
We're being all normal
and responsible, and...

16
00:00:41,181 --> 00:00:43,542
What if in the process,
we just kind of get over each other?

17
00:00:44,202 --> 00:00:47,922
What if you tell me
about our daughter?

18
00:00:48,531 --> 00:00:50,007
- Who are you texting?
- Chelsea.

19
00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:51,926
Tell her you're being a total dick.

20
00:00:55,347 --> 00:00:56,534
I fucking hate you!

21
00:00:56,659 --> 00:00:59,409
And I fucking hate you too,
you little shit!

22
00:01:31,252 --> 00:01:33,259
You don't have to do that.
Not on my account.

23
00:01:35,304 --> 00:01:39,210
That's an example of what's wrong
with the younger generation today.

24
00:01:39,335 --> 00:01:41,392
You leave nothing
to the imagination.

25
00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:43,561
So you've got yourself some boobs.

26
00:01:46,231 --> 00:01:48,566
Some nice, big, round boobs.

27
00:01:50,982 --> 00:01:53,279
Everybody's got 'em.
You know, nothing to get excited about.

28
00:01:57,353 --> 00:01:58,617
You know, just...

29
00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:19,472
<i>Yes, Fraulein.</i>

30
00:02:19,891 --> 00:02:21,640
Do you have anything to add?

31
00:02:21,887 --> 00:02:23,059
On the subject of?

32
00:02:23,362 --> 00:02:25,644
On the subject of the subject
we were just discussing.

33
00:02:26,628 --> 00:02:27,778
That subject.

34
00:02:28,590 --> 00:02:29,740
Let me think.

35
00:02:31,438 --> 00:02:34,445
Not a thing. Nope. Wait.
There is something I would like to say.

36
00:02:34,613 --> 00:02:36,238
Excellent.
We're all ears.

37
00:02:36,406 --> 00:02:39,149
Do you think the ladies have gone
too far with the sex-positive feminism?

38
00:02:39,274 --> 00:02:41,011
I know they all say they're down

39
00:02:41,136 --> 00:02:44,486
with the pornography
and the shaved pudenda and whatnot,

40
00:02:44,957 --> 00:02:47,333
but do we really think that
this is the path to liberation?

41
00:02:47,591 --> 00:02:49,502
Ezra Pound.
What do you think?

42
00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:53,464
I'm not sure this is the proper forum
for such a discussion, Hank.

43
00:02:53,632 --> 00:02:56,008
You asked me.
I'm just thinking out loud. Spitball.

44
00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:57,885
Okay, everyone.
That'll do it for today.

45
00:02:58,053 --> 00:03:00,054
Thanks for coming.
See you all tonight.

46
00:03:00,890 --> 00:03:02,590
You too, Hank.
Correct?

47
00:03:03,008 --> 00:03:05,267
- I'm sorry?
- Tonight. My house.

48
00:03:05,603 --> 00:03:08,145
English department fall mixer.
Ring any bells?

49
00:03:08,313 --> 00:03:09,281
Not a one.

50
00:03:09,406 --> 00:03:12,704
It's just a little get together we have
at the start of every school year.

51
00:03:13,047 --> 00:03:16,612
Faculty, grad students,
some wine, some cheese.

52
00:03:16,780 --> 00:03:19,195
Well, that sounds awesome
and I'm stoked,

53
00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:21,945
but alas, I've got plans
with the soul-sucking vampire

54
00:03:22,070 --> 00:03:24,161
I call my daughter,
so I gotta take a rain check...

55
00:03:24,329 --> 00:03:27,581
Chelsea's already asked
if Becca can spend the night.

56
00:03:27,749 --> 00:03:31,257
But I think she'll change her plans
when she hears what I've got on tap.

57
00:03:31,382 --> 00:03:34,143
Besides, wine gives me a headache
and cheese makes me fart, a lot.

58
00:03:34,268 --> 00:03:37,883
- You don't want me there to stink up.
- Now what if I said,

59
00:03:38,144 --> 00:03:39,802
your job depends on it,

60
00:03:44,009 --> 00:03:45,850
Are you sexually harassing me
right now?

61
00:03:46,516 --> 00:03:48,686
Because if you are,
I'm gonna have to report you.

62
00:03:50,290 --> 00:03:52,022
For giving me a serious boner.

63
00:03:52,946 --> 00:03:54,996
Good to know.
See you at 7:00.

64
00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:01,720
No means no, you know.

65
00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:47,453
This man is ruining my life.

66
00:04:47,848 --> 00:04:49,872
By making it unbearably awesome.

67
00:04:50,137 --> 00:04:53,787
Sweetie, I'm not really sure
I understand what the problem is.

68
00:04:54,252 --> 00:04:55,504
He's delusional.

69
00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:57,713
He thinks we're going
to hang out and bond.

70
00:04:57,881 --> 00:04:59,256
Okay, hand it over.

71
00:05:00,471 --> 00:05:01,471
Thank you.

72
00:05:01,938 --> 00:05:03,886
You don't understand, woman.
I have a plan.

73
00:05:04,054 --> 00:05:06,096
<i>- You do?
- Yes, if we never leave the house,</i>

74
00:05:06,371 --> 00:05:08,271
nothing bad can ever happen.

75
00:05:08,549 --> 00:05:10,762
Right, 'cause, like,
your parents never fuck you up.

76
00:05:10,887 --> 00:05:13,479
No, you were supposed to find
that last remark charming.

77
00:05:18,053 --> 00:05:19,803
- This thing on?
- Yeah.

78
00:05:20,437 --> 00:05:23,796
I'm here, I just...
My boss is trying to get through.

79
00:05:23,921 --> 00:05:26,318
I'm... I'm late for a dinner
with him and some clients, so.

80
00:05:26,443 --> 00:05:28,202
Don't go. Just blow it off.

81
00:05:28,481 --> 00:05:30,621
Please, will you take care
of the Becca thing?

82
00:05:31,356 --> 00:05:33,916
<i>- Yes. I will take care of it.
- Bye. Bye.</i>

83
00:05:35,445 --> 00:05:36,594
Yes, father?

84
00:05:37,087 --> 00:05:39,838
Don your best frock.
The wine and cheese awaits.

85
00:05:44,802 --> 00:05:46,627
You see that bathroom over yonder?

86
00:05:46,752 --> 00:05:49,411
Once, I took every crooked inch

87
00:05:49,718 --> 00:05:52,368
Jackie Gleason had to offer
in that stall.

88
00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:55,604
Signed Kristofferson
right here in this booth.

89
00:05:55,863 --> 00:05:59,521
Yeah, time there was
when I would get wet

90
00:06:00,115 --> 00:06:02,215
off a great sign.
That's right.

91
00:06:02,576 --> 00:06:05,406
I'm talking dripping,
fucking ganges wet.

92
00:06:07,403 --> 00:06:08,826
Speaking of the good old days...

93
00:06:11,288 --> 00:06:12,204
Springfield.

94
00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:14,164
Get your toned tush over here.

95
00:06:14,998 --> 00:06:16,297
Sorry I'm late.

96
00:06:16,422 --> 00:06:19,003
Some Tarzana housewife paid a grand
to spend the day with me.

97
00:06:19,171 --> 00:06:21,799
She wanted to make out, so I did her
a solid and I ate that butterscotch

98
00:06:21,924 --> 00:06:23,382
for 45 minutes straight.

99
00:06:24,057 --> 00:06:28,147
Right, Rick. This is my subordinate
and prospective boytoy,

100
00:06:28,383 --> 00:06:30,055
- Charles W. Runkle.
- Pleasure.

101
00:06:30,530 --> 00:06:33,301
Sue and I used to see each other,
you know. Early '80s.

102
00:06:33,426 --> 00:06:36,196
In what universe
is fucking like chinchillas

103
00:06:36,321 --> 00:06:38,147
and blowing coke
up each other's asses

104
00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:39,815
"seeing each other"?

105
00:06:40,195 --> 00:06:41,734
I'm a big fan of your oeuvre, Rick.

106
00:06:42,167 --> 00:06:44,405
All of it.
The music, the acting...

107
00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:45,911
I'm flattered.

108
00:06:46,036 --> 00:06:49,199
You know, like I said on the phone,
I'm not looking for representation.

109
00:06:50,054 --> 00:06:51,054
Bullshit.

110
00:06:51,361 --> 00:06:52,961
Housewives in Tarzana?

111
00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:55,240
Don't tell me that you don't wanna

112
00:06:55,365 --> 00:06:57,875
rawdog the top shelf
like you used to in your prime?

113
00:06:58,444 --> 00:07:01,587
All due respect, Sue,
life just isn't about the pussy.

114
00:07:01,921 --> 00:07:04,423
It's about finding your passion
and never letting go,

115
00:07:04,591 --> 00:07:06,550
and this man has done just that.

116
00:07:06,718 --> 00:07:08,010
Quit licking his shaft.

117
00:07:08,343 --> 00:07:12,347
He's always been a prime cut
of USDA beefcake, and he knows it.

118
00:07:12,613 --> 00:07:16,685
Sure, the ladies love him.
September 7, 2002, the best sex

119
00:07:17,257 --> 00:07:18,854
I ever had with my wife.

120
00:07:19,022 --> 00:07:21,303
Rick Springfield
at the Universal Amphitheater,

121
00:07:21,428 --> 00:07:23,984
was like three solid hours
of foreplay, dude.

122
00:07:24,698 --> 00:07:27,578
Everything she wanted to do with him
in 1982 but didn't know how,

123
00:07:27,703 --> 00:07:30,532
she did with me repeatedly
and I thank you, sir.

124
00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:33,266
- Fat lot of good that does me.
- Okay, get to the point.

125
00:07:33,391 --> 00:07:35,147
First, we get you some indie cred.

126
00:07:35,272 --> 00:07:38,594
<i>Let's find you your Wrestler,
like Mickey Rourke.</i>

127
00:07:38,719 --> 00:07:42,211
Let's see you blow people away
with your serious side?

128
00:07:42,379 --> 00:07:44,612
Get an Oscar nom
for playing an addict,

129
00:07:44,737 --> 00:07:46,465
a cripple, a retard, whatever.

130
00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:50,177
Then you go into every office in town
and you hit 'em with your project.

131
00:07:50,345 --> 00:07:52,054
That's how you get it done.

132
00:07:52,222 --> 00:07:55,224
Harry Greenberg agency has the mojo
to make something like that happen?

133
00:07:55,392 --> 00:07:56,392
Fuck no.

134
00:07:56,931 --> 00:07:58,143
You supply the mojo.

135
00:07:58,441 --> 00:08:00,687
We take care of everything else.

136
00:08:01,225 --> 00:08:02,975
I like the sound of that.

137
00:08:04,242 --> 00:08:05,025
Church.

138
00:08:07,814 --> 00:08:11,073
You're scaring me, Sue.
Does that mean you like that?

139
00:08:30,971 --> 00:08:33,262
Finally.
God, what took you so long?

140
00:08:34,365 --> 00:08:36,261
- What up, hank?
- Becca, last chance

141
00:08:36,386 --> 00:08:38,055
to change your mind, come on.

142
00:08:38,180 --> 00:08:40,769
- Just do me one favor.
- Anything, my churlish love.

143
00:08:40,937 --> 00:08:42,395
Try not to get too hammered.

144
00:08:42,785 --> 00:08:44,231
Don't put daddy in a corner.

145
00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:48,146
You don't wanna park there.

146
00:08:48,271 --> 00:08:50,295
Dean hates it
when you block the entrance.

147
00:08:50,513 --> 00:08:53,062
- Hmm, big date tonight?
- Is it that obvious?

148
00:08:53,373 --> 00:08:55,373
That dress could cure cancer!

149
00:08:57,454 --> 00:08:59,074
I think you should fuck him.

150
00:08:59,199 --> 00:09:02,657
If he agreed to meet you at this
sad assembly of two-bit intellectuals,

151
00:09:02,782 --> 00:09:04,491
he clearly digs the shit out of you.

152
00:09:05,234 --> 00:09:07,441
You have the ability
to make a simple cocktail party

153
00:09:07,566 --> 00:09:09,627
into the worst thing
that's ever happened to you.

154
00:09:09,752 --> 00:09:11,842
- It's a gift, really.
- There you are.

155
00:09:12,313 --> 00:09:14,181
- Did you two come together?
- No.

156
00:09:14,306 --> 00:09:15,869
- We just came in together.
- I see.

157
00:09:15,994 --> 00:09:18,390
And I actually get
more bars outside, excuse me.

158
00:09:19,437 --> 00:09:21,602
Did you happen to see
where Becca and Chelsea got off to?

159
00:09:21,906 --> 00:09:23,770
They went straight
to Chelsea's room.

160
00:09:24,517 --> 00:09:26,904
I have so many people
i want you to meet.

161
00:09:31,890 --> 00:09:33,002
Come on, baby.

162
00:09:33,127 --> 00:09:36,478
- Celebrate with me.
- Don't baby me, jackass. No.

163
00:09:36,705 --> 00:09:38,368
Fuck no. I got a date.

164
00:09:38,895 --> 00:09:41,872
Drop the zero and get with the hero.
I signed a big fish today.

165
00:09:42,208 --> 00:09:45,417
Well good for you. Maybe you can
move the fuck out now.

166
00:09:45,974 --> 00:09:47,074
Right. Well.

167
00:09:47,567 --> 00:09:49,054
Force of habit, I guess.

168
00:09:49,378 --> 00:09:52,090
Every time I sign a client, I just
can't help but picture the two of us

169
00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:53,759
with a bottle of Bubbly.

170
00:09:54,126 --> 00:09:55,427
That was then, Charlie.

171
00:09:56,791 --> 00:09:58,491
And this is now. Got it.

172
00:09:59,560 --> 00:10:00,710
Okay, well...

173
00:10:01,834 --> 00:10:03,184
have a nice date.

174
00:10:04,266 --> 00:10:05,418
Yeah, thanks.

175
00:10:13,264 --> 00:10:14,655
Runkle, you were on fire today.

176
00:10:15,124 --> 00:10:17,826
I mean, that was serious
Swifty Lazar shit.

177
00:10:18,851 --> 00:10:21,301
I've never been so proud
and so wet...

178
00:10:22,896 --> 00:10:24,246
at the same time.

179
00:10:24,929 --> 00:10:25,749
Come on.

180
00:10:33,509 --> 00:10:34,341
Thank you.

181
00:10:36,405 --> 00:10:39,905
How many jobs do you have, lady?
You got a paper route too?

182
00:10:40,731 --> 00:10:42,934
Fill this thing up.
Scotch preferably.

183
00:10:43,059 --> 00:10:46,019
I'm coming off of a lengthy conversation
with a man in a sweater vest.

184
00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:48,355
Dean Koons keeps the good
stuff locked in his office.

185
00:10:48,523 --> 00:10:51,316
- Which would be where, exactly?
- I can't tell you that.

186
00:10:51,573 --> 00:10:53,759
People like you mess
with the master's shit.

187
00:10:53,884 --> 00:10:55,612
People like me get blamed for it.

188
00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:58,448
- Class warrior, are we?
- Just a girl saving for a rainy day.

189
00:10:59,310 --> 00:11:02,486
You know, the truth is
I'm a pretty shitty bartender.

190
00:11:02,611 --> 00:11:04,955
But I am a kick ass stripper.

191
00:11:05,256 --> 00:11:07,331
This bod is the true gift
that God gave me.

192
00:11:07,501 --> 00:11:09,901
I agree, but I think you're
selling yourself short still.

193
00:11:10,026 --> 00:11:13,072
- I'm too smart to be a stripper?
- Smart has nothing to do with it.

194
00:11:13,197 --> 00:11:16,508
I'm just thinking in practical terms.
Down the road, job opportunities

195
00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:18,827
tend to dwindle for those
in the more naked professions,

196
00:11:18,952 --> 00:11:22,925
- if you understand what I'm saying.
- Two empty glasses, Jackie, thank you.

197
00:11:23,372 --> 00:11:25,625
I'm going to offer our,
visiting scholar from Amherst

198
00:11:25,750 --> 00:11:27,308
some of my '82 la tour.

199
00:11:28,196 --> 00:11:29,646
That's not cool, Dean Koons.

200
00:11:29,814 --> 00:11:31,588
Segregating your guests
into two classes,

201
00:11:31,713 --> 00:11:33,900
offering your good stuff
only to a select few.

202
00:11:34,068 --> 00:11:36,570
Well, when you get your Guggenheim,
we can talk about that.

203
00:11:37,614 --> 00:11:40,282
In the meantime, you enjoy that glass
of very middling cab.

204
00:11:41,206 --> 00:11:42,206
Asshole.

205
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:49,160
There you are.

206
00:11:50,123 --> 00:11:52,076
I see you found the toys
in the attic.

207
00:11:52,851 --> 00:11:55,642
What, are you running a museum here
on the side or something?

208
00:11:55,767 --> 00:11:58,967
It's just his little hobby.
Bores the shit out of me, actually.

209
00:11:59,204 --> 00:12:01,136
I'm quite relieved
to catch you here alone.

210
00:12:01,369 --> 00:12:04,493
- You don't care about the snooping?
- Snoop all you want.

211
00:12:04,957 --> 00:12:07,405
My life's an open book. Sadly.

212
00:12:07,826 --> 00:12:10,312
Besides, becca must have
told you all about us by now.

213
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:13,350
No, she's not much one for chatting.
Texting, yes.

214
00:12:13,475 --> 00:12:15,275
Twittering, tweetering, twatting,

215
00:12:15,512 --> 00:12:18,370
- Staring solemnly at the old man.
- Oh, please.

216
00:12:18,544 --> 00:12:20,294
You fathers have it easy.

217
00:12:20,505 --> 00:12:22,853
Most days, I can barely get
a civil word out of Chelsea.

218
00:12:22,978 --> 00:12:26,870
At least Becca still talks about you
with some sort of twisted affection.

219
00:12:27,124 --> 00:12:29,634
Rebecca? My becca?
That doesn't sound like her.

220
00:12:29,759 --> 00:12:32,024
No, it's true.
We had an interesting discussion

221
00:12:32,149 --> 00:12:34,792
the other day about the more
scatological elements in your work.

222
00:12:34,917 --> 00:12:37,112
- She knows quite a lot about Rabelais.
- That's me.

223
00:12:37,237 --> 00:12:39,618
- I taught her that shit.
- Yeah, I figured, when she told me

224
00:12:39,743 --> 00:12:43,178
all about how you got your start
in New York and how you met her mother.

225
00:12:43,346 --> 00:12:46,294
- No shit.
- I mean, she seems a little confused

226
00:12:46,419 --> 00:12:49,067
about the issue of whether
you two are still together or not.

227
00:12:50,527 --> 00:12:53,357
- Aren't we all.
- Oh, well, that's a shame.

228
00:12:54,025 --> 00:12:56,127
Gosh, I'd love
to fix you up sometime.

229
00:12:56,805 --> 00:12:58,652
I appreciate that,
but that's a fool's errand.

230
00:12:59,149 --> 00:13:01,946
- Oh, really? Why is that?
- Well, it's my purgatory, really.

231
00:13:02,071 --> 00:13:03,821
Dinner, drinks, whatever.

232
00:13:04,039 --> 00:13:05,604
Never really all that interested,

233
00:13:05,729 --> 00:13:08,184
but I find myself telling her
how beautiful she is anyway.

234
00:13:08,559 --> 00:13:09,675
'Cause it's true.

235
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:11,790
All women are,
in one way or another.

236
00:13:12,606 --> 00:13:15,027
You know, there's always
something about every damn one of you.

237
00:13:15,152 --> 00:13:17,777
There's a smile, a curve, a secret.

238
00:13:18,475 --> 00:13:20,735
You ladies really are
the most amazing creatures.

239
00:13:21,218 --> 00:13:22,175
My life's work.

240
00:13:23,548 --> 00:13:25,478
But then there's the morning after.

241
00:13:25,603 --> 00:13:27,053
The hangover and...

242
00:13:27,248 --> 00:13:30,475
realization that I'm not quite as free
as I thought I was the night before.

243
00:13:30,959 --> 00:13:32,259
Then she's gone.

244
00:13:32,904 --> 00:13:35,480
And I'm haunted by
yet another road not taken.

245
00:13:39,002 --> 00:13:40,552
I'm impressed. You...

246
00:13:40,761 --> 00:13:43,530
actually dropped the act
for a moment and said something real.

247
00:13:43,698 --> 00:13:45,988
I do that sometimes.
But you never know when it's coming.

248
00:13:46,113 --> 00:13:48,420
You gotta stay on your toes.
I'm like a boxer that bobs

249
00:13:48,545 --> 00:13:50,962
and waves like Mohammed Ali
or Joe Frazier or Sugar Ray Leonard.

250
00:13:51,087 --> 00:13:53,358
Basically, I'm just listing
boxers you might have...

251
00:13:59,514 --> 00:14:00,422
I'm sorry.

252
00:14:01,529 --> 00:14:03,492
The party's downstairs, isn't it?

253
00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:12,100
I think you might be
selling yourself a little short.

254
00:14:12,565 --> 00:14:15,061
With just the tiniest bit of effort,

255
00:14:15,229 --> 00:14:17,629
you could've had someone
much younger

256
00:14:18,834 --> 00:14:20,358
and much hotter.

257
00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:22,676
But better luck next time, teach.

258
00:14:32,962 --> 00:14:35,270
What's the matter with you?
You look flushed.

259
00:14:35,395 --> 00:14:37,083
Well, my virtue was just assailed.

260
00:14:37,679 --> 00:14:40,295
In a not entirely
unpleasant manner, but still.

261
00:14:41,166 --> 00:14:43,086
- Leaving so soon?
- Yeah.

262
00:14:43,211 --> 00:14:45,842
Girl can only take so much
humiliation in one night.

263
00:14:46,022 --> 00:14:48,039
Oh, the gentleman caller
never called, huh?

264
00:14:48,164 --> 00:14:50,361
No, he never called.
And he never texted.

265
00:14:50,486 --> 00:14:52,642
And he made an actual plan
to meet me here.

266
00:14:52,767 --> 00:14:55,125
He seemed really into it
on the first two dates.

267
00:14:55,250 --> 00:14:57,270
And then, he just never showed.

268
00:14:57,438 --> 00:14:58,980
Go ahead and explain that to me.

269
00:14:59,434 --> 00:15:01,525
Take a shot,
you said you would explain it

270
00:15:01,650 --> 00:15:02,650
and why?

271
00:15:02,775 --> 00:15:06,670
- Is it so hard to make a phone call?
- I'm not the man who stood you up.

272
00:15:09,304 --> 00:15:11,409
Ah, here's where he keeps
the good stuff.

273
00:15:12,891 --> 00:15:13,914
Me!

274
00:15:14,039 --> 00:15:15,942
We were talking about me here.

275
00:15:16,913 --> 00:15:20,917
I'm gonna say this once and one
time only, so listen closely, okay?

276
00:15:21,638 --> 00:15:22,963
Fuck the fireman.

277
00:15:23,863 --> 00:15:26,800
If I recall, that was the same advice
you gave me earlier in the evening.

278
00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:28,260
Totally different context.

279
00:15:28,968 --> 00:15:31,538
So that's it. Just fuck him.
That's all you got.

280
00:15:31,663 --> 00:15:34,891
I gotta be totally laid back about this.
I'm not even allowed to be pissed off.

281
00:15:35,059 --> 00:15:36,747
No, you get to be pissed off.

282
00:15:36,872 --> 00:15:39,586
But, you know,
maybe if you just relaxed

283
00:15:39,711 --> 00:15:41,648
for... half a second,

284
00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:44,817
and stopped looking so hard
for the appropriate life mate,

285
00:15:44,987 --> 00:15:47,455
then you might wake up
one morning next to one.

286
00:15:47,580 --> 00:15:50,049
Right.
'Cause it's just that easy.

287
00:15:50,349 --> 00:15:52,951
I didn't say it was easy, but you've
got a serious gam up in the matter.

288
00:15:54,410 --> 00:15:55,510
How, how so?

289
00:15:56,347 --> 00:15:59,041
'Cause you're scary smart
and you're crazy beautiful.

290
00:15:59,166 --> 00:16:01,166
You're also incredibly sexual.

291
00:16:01,475 --> 00:16:02,475
So there.

292
00:16:03,841 --> 00:16:05,715
What the fuck are you talking about?

293
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:07,147
I'm a total nerd.

294
00:16:07,272 --> 00:16:08,925
True that, but you're a sexy nerd.

295
00:16:09,166 --> 00:16:11,970
You know, some women, they just
shut off that part of themselves

296
00:16:12,138 --> 00:16:14,973
and expect prince charming to come along
and pry open their dusty old beavers

297
00:16:15,098 --> 00:16:18,302
with the jaws of life, or some shit
like that. Not you. You're a good timer.

298
00:16:20,641 --> 00:16:23,590
And you're just saying this, right?

299
00:16:24,763 --> 00:16:25,682
Which...

300
00:16:25,983 --> 00:16:27,376
what, what do you mean?

301
00:16:27,501 --> 00:16:29,994
Well, you're saying
all this incredibly weird

302
00:16:30,119 --> 00:16:32,769
but incredibly sweet stuff
about me and...

303
00:16:33,726 --> 00:16:35,619
But that's what you do, right?
In the situation

304
00:16:35,787 --> 00:16:37,871
when you're trying
to make me feel better.

305
00:16:39,990 --> 00:16:42,792
- Which is bad, why?
- It's not necessarily a bad thing.

306
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,754
I just wonder if you mean anything
that's coming out of your mouth.

307
00:16:46,620 --> 00:16:48,919
I don't just say shit.
I mean, I do talk a lot of shit,

308
00:16:49,044 --> 00:16:51,999
but I generally mean what I say
and I say what I mean.

309
00:16:55,127 --> 00:16:57,427
So you see me as a viable candidate?

310
00:16:59,343 --> 00:17:02,904
- Depends on what you're running for.
- Dick, you know what I mean.

311
00:17:04,153 --> 00:17:06,730
Look, if my love life
weren't as complicated

312
00:17:06,855 --> 00:17:08,505
as something that is...

313
00:17:09,126 --> 00:17:11,145
really complicated
that I can't think of right now,

314
00:17:11,270 --> 00:17:14,106
I would totally check your teeth
and take you out for a ride.

315
00:17:14,231 --> 00:17:15,875
God, I hate you!

316
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:18,286
What, you're a strange bird.
Why are you hating on me?

317
00:17:20,017 --> 00:17:22,540
'Cause I really thought
you were gonna kiss me just then.

318
00:17:23,370 --> 00:17:25,611
That is weird.
That is very weird.

319
00:17:25,736 --> 00:17:28,046
- Why?
- I was thinking the exact same thing.

320
00:17:29,031 --> 00:17:30,389
- Really?
- Not exactly.

321
00:17:30,514 --> 00:17:33,626
I was thinking about what it might be
like to go down on you for the 1st time.

322
00:17:33,751 --> 00:17:36,892
- It's kind of the same thing, isn't it?
- You're such an asshole.

323
00:17:56,173 --> 00:17:57,623
Do you feel it yet?

324
00:18:00,470 --> 00:18:01,720
Is that normal?

325
00:18:02,034 --> 00:18:03,034
Totally.

326
00:18:03,452 --> 00:18:05,452
Mushrooms take a while to hit.

327
00:18:08,106 --> 00:18:10,272
What's the craziest thing
you've ever done?

328
00:18:11,927 --> 00:18:12,927
Sexually.

329
00:18:14,482 --> 00:18:16,082
Let's put it this way.

330
00:18:16,548 --> 00:18:19,889
My father would be thrilled
by my lack of experience in the area.

331
00:18:22,078 --> 00:18:23,226
What about blow jobs?

332
00:18:25,852 --> 00:18:27,052
I touched one.

333
00:18:27,663 --> 00:18:29,357
Kind of freaked me out
how hard it got.

334
00:18:31,346 --> 00:18:32,235
You?

335
00:18:32,652 --> 00:18:34,904
A bunch of times.
It's fun.

336
00:18:35,403 --> 00:18:36,781
Weren't you scared?

337
00:18:38,161 --> 00:18:40,143
Sure. At first.

338
00:18:40,268 --> 00:18:42,835
But then you realize
how much power you have over guys,

339
00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:44,664
and it's kind of exciting.

340
00:18:45,442 --> 00:18:47,542
I'm sure I'd do something wrong.

341
00:18:47,845 --> 00:18:49,753
It's not like you're gonna break it.

342
00:18:50,833 --> 00:18:53,673
Be careful with your teeth
and remember to incorporate the balls,

343
00:18:54,854 --> 00:18:58,178
you can't fuck it up too bad.
Ask any guy, he'll tell you.

344
00:18:58,544 --> 00:19:00,353
Okay. Good to know.

345
00:19:00,478 --> 00:19:03,128
Don't worry.
We'll get you laid this year.

346
00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:04,810
No rush.

347
00:19:05,650 --> 00:19:08,772
Sometimes I think I'd be happy
to stay a virgin forever.

348
00:19:10,047 --> 00:19:11,900
Seems like once you get laid...

349
00:19:12,068 --> 00:19:14,358
Your whole life
basically turns to shit.

350
00:19:15,151 --> 00:19:16,795
I've heard that one before.

351
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:18,281
Come on. You're slipping.

352
00:19:18,669 --> 00:19:21,534
I've done a lot of work to get you out
of that gloomy fuckin' head of yours.

353
00:19:23,044 --> 00:19:24,294
Think about it.

354
00:19:25,016 --> 00:19:27,179
If my mother and father
hadn't been so quick

355
00:19:27,304 --> 00:19:29,375
to fuck each other,
I wouldn't be here right now.

356
00:19:30,923 --> 00:19:34,130
And if I wasn't here right now,
I think they'd be a lot happier.

357
00:19:34,298 --> 00:19:35,848
Especially my father.

358
00:19:37,037 --> 00:19:39,988
That's really shitty
that he makes you feel that way, Becca.

359
00:19:41,096 --> 00:19:43,130
He doesn't.
It's me.

360
00:19:47,594 --> 00:19:49,500
I just see things.

361
00:19:52,892 --> 00:19:53,942
Is this it?

362
00:20:04,244 --> 00:20:05,444
I know, right?

363
00:20:05,624 --> 00:20:06,774
No, not that.

364
00:20:07,639 --> 00:20:08,939
I'm such a slut.

365
00:20:09,498 --> 00:20:10,750
In the best way possible.

366
00:20:12,312 --> 00:20:14,754
You're not, like, gonna lose
respect for me now, are you?

367
00:20:14,922 --> 00:20:16,172
8% at the most.

368
00:20:17,494 --> 00:20:19,744
Hold on.
Thought I heard somebody.

369
00:20:22,775 --> 00:20:23,775
Go, go.

370
00:20:53,889 --> 00:20:55,389
Okay, you caught me.

371
00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:58,298
Watch that stuff. Here,
let me take that off your hands.

372
00:20:59,842 --> 00:21:01,885
Moody, for Christ's sake.
Don't handle me.

373
00:21:02,162 --> 00:21:03,509
Please don't handle me.

374
00:21:03,634 --> 00:21:06,180
- What are you doing in my office?
- Making a phone call.

375
00:21:06,789 --> 00:21:08,224
That was your cell phone?

376
00:21:08,392 --> 00:21:10,021
Yeah. I like me a '70s groove.

377
00:21:11,062 --> 00:21:13,354
What about that ditty you were
singing when you came in here?

378
00:21:13,522 --> 00:21:15,053
May I inquire about that?

379
00:21:15,654 --> 00:21:17,275
That was an obscure classic.

380
00:21:17,443 --> 00:21:18,443
Was it?

381
00:21:18,568 --> 00:21:21,738
Is it some ditty
of your own invention, perhaps?

382
00:21:21,906 --> 00:21:24,449
No, it's right out
of the great american songbook,

383
00:21:24,617 --> 00:21:26,993
FYI. If you had a little more
culture, you'd understand that.

384
00:21:27,161 --> 00:21:29,495
Maybe you would have sung it
a capella with the whiff n' poofs?

385
00:21:30,186 --> 00:21:32,512
Gay man's health choir,
or something like that?

386
00:21:32,992 --> 00:21:34,142
Hey, you two.

387
00:21:34,267 --> 00:21:35,617
Party's in there.

388
00:21:36,874 --> 00:21:38,181
You won't have it.

389
00:21:38,306 --> 00:21:41,209
I wouldn't dream of it but I would
like some privacy to make a phone call.

390
00:21:42,624 --> 00:21:45,328
What do you mean, no?
That's not very polite.

391
00:21:45,453 --> 00:21:47,751
Well, my house, my rules.

392
00:21:52,107 --> 00:21:55,015
- What's gotten into him?
- Is there another way in here?

393
00:21:55,344 --> 00:21:57,857
- Why do you want more privacy?
- Well, I just...

394
00:21:58,981 --> 00:22:01,317
About earlier, can we just
forget what happened?

395
00:22:02,509 --> 00:22:04,447
Well, we needn't
ever speak of it again.

396
00:22:05,352 --> 00:22:08,076
But one does not very easily forget
the kiss of a beautiful woman.

397
00:22:09,101 --> 00:22:12,205
That's right. I said it. I meant it.
I'm here to represent it.

398
00:22:13,329 --> 00:22:15,500
I gotta run 'cause that cheese
is working on me.

399
00:22:29,786 --> 00:22:31,586
I was looking for Charlie.

400
00:22:32,312 --> 00:22:33,601
He's gone home for the day.

401
00:22:35,439 --> 00:22:36,770
You must be Sue.

402
00:22:39,010 --> 00:22:40,733
Marcy, the ex.

403
00:22:41,632 --> 00:22:43,482
He's told me all about you.

404
00:22:48,804 --> 00:22:50,743
If you just tell him
that I was looking for him,

405
00:22:50,968 --> 00:22:53,621
I was gonna give him
this bottle of...

406
00:22:56,623 --> 00:22:57,873
Smoker's cough.

407
00:22:58,027 --> 00:22:59,777
Love those more menthols.

408
00:23:06,558 --> 00:23:08,011
Are you inside that woman?

409
00:23:08,323 --> 00:23:09,345
I can explain.

410
00:23:09,513 --> 00:23:11,639
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- Marcy.

411
00:23:11,989 --> 00:23:13,433
Marcy, it...

412
00:23:14,508 --> 00:23:17,315
- It was nice to meet you, Sue.
- Marcy, marcy, don't go.

413
00:23:18,925 --> 00:23:20,390
Oh, god, okay.

414
00:23:20,515 --> 00:23:24,519
Let's just keep my ass
closer to the ground, please.

415
00:23:25,107 --> 00:23:26,330
There you go.

416
00:23:26,455 --> 00:23:29,567
Remind me to never
take your advice again.

417
00:23:30,083 --> 00:23:32,239
You're gonna thank me when
you're living in the suburbs

418
00:23:32,364 --> 00:23:35,831
with that house with
the attached garage of your dreams.

419
00:23:38,010 --> 00:23:41,415
- Would you like a smoke?
- No, I've broken quite enough rules

420
00:23:41,540 --> 00:23:43,290
for one night, thank you.

421
00:23:43,415 --> 00:23:44,915
Speaking of which...

422
00:23:45,454 --> 00:23:47,066
probably wasn't cool of me to...

423
00:23:47,442 --> 00:23:49,975
take advantage of you
in your moment of weakness.

424
00:23:50,726 --> 00:23:52,811
No, it wasn't.
But in fairness,

425
00:23:53,665 --> 00:23:56,025
all of my moments
are moments of weakness now.

426
00:23:57,537 --> 00:24:00,021
So what's the matter with me anyway?

427
00:24:02,066 --> 00:24:04,869
Well, now that I've had
an up close and personal view,

428
00:24:04,994 --> 00:24:06,527
I would have to say nothing.

429
00:24:07,931 --> 00:24:09,753
Oh, come on, that old chestnut?

430
00:24:10,135 --> 00:24:12,158
It's not me, I just haven't
found the right guy?

431
00:24:13,924 --> 00:24:15,326
- Oh, my god.
- What?

432
00:24:15,451 --> 00:24:17,451
- Shit, he's here.
- Him who?

433
00:24:17,713 --> 00:24:19,123
The fire dude.

434
00:24:19,441 --> 00:24:21,207
The balls on that guy,
three hours late.

435
00:24:21,332 --> 00:24:24,048
Then again, you just had another
dude inside you ten minutes ago.

436
00:24:25,278 --> 00:24:26,464
Hey, Ross.

437
00:24:27,517 --> 00:24:28,569
You made it.

438
00:24:28,694 --> 00:24:30,718
Yeah, you must really
hate me right now.

439
00:24:30,886 --> 00:24:31,886
She does.

440
00:24:33,620 --> 00:24:36,037
That's not a lie. I...

441
00:24:37,427 --> 00:24:40,153
- This is...
- This is Dr. Henry Moody.

442
00:24:40,278 --> 00:24:41,562
I'm her thesis advisor.

443
00:24:41,730 --> 00:24:43,937
Nice to meet you.
I thought that Jill made you up,

444
00:24:44,062 --> 00:24:46,526
that you were a figment
of her imagination.

445
00:24:47,094 --> 00:24:49,153
Well, I'm hoping
you'll give me a chance to explain

446
00:24:49,444 --> 00:24:51,114
you know, unless I'm too late.

447
00:24:51,292 --> 00:24:53,309
Maybe I've...
maybe I missed my chance.

448
00:24:54,076 --> 00:24:56,713
Well, normally she's a real stickler
for verities and balderdash,

449
00:24:56,838 --> 00:24:58,390
but if you were out saving lives,

450
00:24:58,515 --> 00:25:00,915
I think an exception can be made
for a real life fire dude.

451
00:25:01,716 --> 00:25:02,533
No?

452
00:25:02,658 --> 00:25:05,134
What were you just saying,
you want another fucking drink?

453
00:25:05,427 --> 00:25:06,806
Just now. You were, right?

454
00:25:06,931 --> 00:25:09,531
I was.
I... I need another fucking drink.

455
00:25:11,010 --> 00:25:13,947
And spring for the good stuff.
Get the top shelf. Don't be cheap.

456
00:25:15,112 --> 00:25:16,802
See you in class, professor.

457
00:25:19,927 --> 00:25:20,950
There's my dad.

458
00:25:22,283 --> 00:25:23,473
What were you doing?

459
00:25:23,598 --> 00:25:25,523
Late night swim,
midnight tennis match?

460
00:25:26,210 --> 00:25:29,152
We just walked down
to campus to get some pizza.

461
00:25:29,468 --> 00:25:30,468
Pizza?

462
00:25:31,822 --> 00:25:32,822
Pizza.

463
00:25:35,047 --> 00:25:36,647
- Come closer.
- Why?

464
00:25:37,202 --> 00:25:38,702
I want to smell you.

465
00:25:45,255 --> 00:25:47,743
You smell like pizza.

466
00:25:47,868 --> 00:25:50,192
Be careful, don't get too close.

467
00:25:50,561 --> 00:25:52,425
I feel a burp coming on.

468
00:25:52,593 --> 00:25:54,443
- You wouldn't.
- I would.

469
00:25:55,094 --> 00:25:58,184
And remember, sometimes burps
smell worse than farts.

470
00:25:58,309 --> 00:26:00,924
- Is that a threat?
- You guys are so gross.

471
00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:03,102
What, there's no bodily
functions at the deanery?

472
00:26:03,270 --> 00:26:04,562
Just catered affairs?

473
00:26:07,032 --> 00:26:10,182
Hey, dad, don't pick me up
till noon tomorrow, okay?

474
00:26:10,398 --> 00:26:11,598
Okay, sweetie.

475
00:26:18,003 --> 00:26:20,286
Very cheerful.
Very cheerful.

476
00:26:24,066 --> 00:26:26,589
One night, Felix.
That's it. All right?

477
00:26:27,397 --> 00:26:28,447
Understood.

478
00:26:28,572 --> 00:26:31,289
I just, I can't go back there tonight.
I can't face her.

479
00:26:31,543 --> 00:26:33,037
Not after this humiliation.

480
00:26:33,162 --> 00:26:36,592
Remind me again how this humiliation
is different from all the others.

481
00:26:37,179 --> 00:26:39,396
I'm gonna need some eggs
benedict tomorrow, blue man.

482
00:26:39,521 --> 00:26:40,510
That I can do.

483
00:26:40,635 --> 00:26:44,085
What I cannot do is resist
the allure of a powerful woman.

484
00:26:44,321 --> 00:26:47,626
So we're 100% sure
she's 100% woman, right?

485
00:26:47,751 --> 00:26:50,824
The balls of steel thing
is just metaphorical?

486
00:26:52,505 --> 00:26:54,246
You know what did the trick, hank?

487
00:26:54,371 --> 00:26:56,847
What set me over the edge
after weeks of resisting,

488
00:26:56,972 --> 00:26:59,659
one tiny little compliment
about my agenting.

489
00:27:00,171 --> 00:27:02,495
That's it. That's all it takes
to make a man come across.

490
00:27:03,051 --> 00:27:04,830
They are not complicated creatures.

491
00:27:05,267 --> 00:27:08,417
Don't be so hard on yourself.
You were sexually harassed tonight.

492
00:27:09,439 --> 00:27:10,439
As was I.

493
00:27:11,072 --> 00:27:13,412
No man can withstand
that kind of pressure.

494
00:27:14,167 --> 00:27:16,592
But do you know where I'd be
if I'd been just a tiny bit stronger?

495
00:27:17,185 --> 00:27:18,947
Back in the promised land.

496
00:27:19,294 --> 00:27:22,348
The whole package, man.
My own house, my own bed,

497
00:27:23,118 --> 00:27:24,218
my own wife.

498
00:27:25,669 --> 00:27:27,569
Next year, my hebrew friend.

499
00:27:28,561 --> 00:27:30,211
Next year in Jerusalem.