1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:05,045 - You're my student. - Not any more, I'm not. 2 00:00:05,088 --> 00:00:06,964 This is so not fair. 3 00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:08,590 Previously on Californication... 4 00:00:08,633 --> 00:00:11,552 I've never stepped outside of my marriage before. 5 00:00:11,594 --> 00:00:14,555 Who in their right mind would step out on His Royal Deanness? 6 00:00:16,141 --> 00:00:19,184 I am flattered, but I... 7 00:00:20,603 --> 00:00:22,604 And I'm wet. 8 00:00:22,647 --> 00:00:25,441 Hard and wet, that's a winning combination. 9 00:00:31,573 --> 00:00:33,657 What? Not even a hello. 10 00:00:33,700 --> 00:00:36,410 What? Were you just gonna leave me behind? 11 00:00:36,453 --> 00:00:38,162 You're saying we just pack up and leave LA? 12 00:00:38,204 --> 00:00:40,372 The three of us, move back to New York together? 13 00:00:40,415 --> 00:00:41,999 Yeah, end of the semester. 14 00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:43,667 For the first time in my life, I'm happy, 15 00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:46,211 and you want me to move someplace I have no friends? 16 00:00:46,254 --> 00:00:49,006 - What did you say your name was? - She didn't. Next. 17 00:00:51,342 --> 00:00:53,594 Runkle is ankling! 18 00:00:54,220 --> 00:00:59,099 Rick fucking Springfield is here in my house right fucking now? 19 00:00:59,184 --> 00:01:02,102 '80s pop legend Rick Springfield is in there stealing your girl. 20 00:01:02,145 --> 00:01:04,688 You have to out-fuck Rick Springfield. 21 00:01:04,731 --> 00:01:06,857 The only time I ever made Marcy squeal like that 22 00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:08,650 was when I put the ring on her finger. 23 00:01:11,654 --> 00:01:13,864 Destroy me, Rick Springfield! 24 00:01:15,492 --> 00:01:19,119 Christ on the cross, Hank. My lungs are about to explode. 25 00:01:19,162 --> 00:01:20,370 You didn't have to come. 26 00:01:20,413 --> 00:01:23,665 You could have stayed home and made the fucky-fucky with the boss lady. 27 00:01:23,708 --> 00:01:25,501 Laugh all you want. 28 00:01:25,543 --> 00:01:28,837 How many people can say they've been in the same honey pot as Jack Nicholson? 29 00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:30,506 How many people in the LA phone book? 30 00:01:30,548 --> 00:01:34,384 Who am I kidding? I used to be Charlie Runkle. 31 00:01:34,469 --> 00:01:36,220 Now... 32 00:01:36,262 --> 00:01:38,722 I'm Runkle! 33 00:01:40,058 --> 00:01:42,559 Look at us, Runkle. LA has made us soft. 34 00:01:42,602 --> 00:01:46,438 You used to be able to run for the Lexington Avenue Express with the best of them, 35 00:01:46,481 --> 00:01:48,690 elbowing investment wankers out of the way. 36 00:01:48,733 --> 00:01:51,276 Cellphone in one hand, mammoth ball sack in the other, 37 00:01:51,319 --> 00:01:53,070 a Hollywood Reporter between your teeth, 38 00:01:53,154 --> 00:01:56,907 not even breathing so you wouldn't inhale the fucking piss stench. 39 00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:59,827 Jesus Christ, we're out here cos of Karen, aren't we? 40 00:01:59,869 --> 00:02:04,081 That's right. The gods have seen fit to give me another shot with the soul mate. 41 00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:07,543 She's in New York feathering the nest, and I got to be ready for her, 42 00:02:07,585 --> 00:02:11,672 mentally... physically... sexually. 43 00:02:11,714 --> 00:02:14,883 Maybe it's time to stop banging the entire college campus. 44 00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:17,886 Right you are, motherfucker! 45 00:02:17,929 --> 00:02:19,638 Right as rain. 46 00:02:19,681 --> 00:02:22,266 It's time for me to grow up, do the right thing. 47 00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:24,643 Easier said than done, though, huh? 48 00:02:24,686 --> 00:02:29,523 No, Jackie's 23. She's not looking to make those breasteses exclusive. 49 00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:31,733 And Jill, she knows I got a snip and a baby. 50 00:02:31,776 --> 00:02:36,780 And Felicia, I'm just a daydream to her. An escape hatch from the deanery. 51 00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:40,117 Shit, I can get this done in one day. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, 52 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,744 then home for some cybersex with the soul mate. 53 00:02:42,787 --> 00:02:46,331 - That's not a bad idea. - You kidding? It's a terrible idea. 54 00:02:46,374 --> 00:02:47,958 The lighting is subpar, 55 00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:51,336 very difficult to properly showcase one's dangling majesty. 56 00:02:51,379 --> 00:02:53,088 But it sure beats phone-ilingus. 57 00:03:40,970 --> 00:03:43,138 You wanted to see me, Professor Moody? 58 00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:46,725 Jackie, my prize pupil. Come on in. Have a seat and shut the door. 59 00:03:46,768 --> 00:03:48,727 Or wait. Don't shut the door. 60 00:03:48,770 --> 00:03:51,021 I don't know. What do you think? 61 00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:53,899 Well, I think you're more of a thrill-seeker than I thought 62 00:03:53,942 --> 00:03:56,318 if you want to fuck me with the door open. 63 00:03:56,361 --> 00:03:59,029 I know. You know, I think, as you got to know me, 64 00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:01,823 you'd find I was a fuddy-duddy, just an old-fashioned... 65 00:04:01,866 --> 00:04:04,993 Yeah, I actually wanted to talk to you about that. 66 00:04:05,036 --> 00:04:07,162 I think we need to spice things up a little bit. 67 00:04:07,205 --> 00:04:09,790 I'm getting sort of tired of being on top all the time. 68 00:04:09,832 --> 00:04:12,167 Well, don't knock cowgirl. 69 00:04:12,210 --> 00:04:15,879 That's my favourite posish. I do some of my best work from the bottom. 70 00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:17,506 - You know why? - Why? 71 00:04:17,548 --> 00:04:20,384 I got my hands free. It's like sexual Bluetooth. 72 00:04:22,220 --> 00:04:25,722 - I missed you. It's been a while. - Yeah, about that... 73 00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:31,311 - Did you miss me? - Well, sure I did. Tons. 74 00:04:32,438 --> 00:04:33,689 Look, here's the thing. 75 00:04:33,731 --> 00:04:34,982 - Oh, my God. - What? 76 00:04:35,024 --> 00:04:37,359 Seriously? 77 00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:40,487 - You're trying to end this thing. - A thing, is it? 78 00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:43,949 Well, it sounds to me like you're dumping me. 79 00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:45,867 That's harsh when you put it that way, 80 00:04:45,910 --> 00:04:49,079 but that's exactly right, in a manner of speaking. 81 00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:53,625 - You're lovely, the loveliest of the loveliest. - This is because of that woman, isn't it? 82 00:04:53,668 --> 00:04:57,129 Who was in class the other day. Your old lady. 83 00:04:57,171 --> 00:04:59,131 That's the woman what done it, yes. 84 00:04:59,173 --> 00:05:02,551 So, you're back with her now? 85 00:05:02,593 --> 00:05:04,386 She is the mother of my child. 86 00:05:04,429 --> 00:05:07,931 And she doesn't mind you sleeping with students 87 00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:10,642 who aren't very much older than that child? 88 00:05:10,685 --> 00:05:12,936 Well, that is low. 89 00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:16,815 Coming from the guy who loved my work and found me oh-so-talented, 90 00:05:16,858 --> 00:05:19,443 but now has grown tired of fucking me. 91 00:05:19,485 --> 00:05:23,280 - Really? Have I made you feel that way? - It's cool. Don't sweat it. 92 00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:26,116 It's not like it was serious, right? 93 00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:29,494 - Just fun? - Fun it was. 94 00:05:29,537 --> 00:05:33,332 - Besides, I'm a sex worker, right? - What does that mean? 95 00:05:33,374 --> 00:05:36,668 Don't worry about me. I can't get hurt. 96 00:05:36,711 --> 00:05:39,546 I'm just a hot piece of stripper ass. 97 00:05:39,589 --> 00:05:43,842 You have your fun with me, and then you're done. I got it, loud and clear. 98 00:05:43,885 --> 00:05:47,304 - I don't like the way that sounds. - Well, maybe I don't like the way it feels. 99 00:05:48,097 --> 00:05:51,016 - Jackie, I'm sorry. - Sorry! 100 00:05:51,059 --> 00:05:55,604 I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry. 101 00:05:56,939 --> 00:06:00,734 No need to make a fuss. We can handle this like adults. 102 00:06:00,777 --> 00:06:05,197 In fact, since I'm right here 103 00:06:05,239 --> 00:06:08,075 why not just blow you one more time? 104 00:06:10,161 --> 00:06:11,203 Well... 105 00:06:11,245 --> 00:06:14,581 - No, that's really not necessary, no... - Come on. 106 00:06:14,624 --> 00:06:17,334 Just let the sex worker do what the sex worker does best. 107 00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,586 - No, no, no, no. - Moody, I... 108 00:06:19,629 --> 00:06:22,381 Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, what is going on here? 109 00:06:23,633 --> 00:06:26,426 This is so not what it seems. 110 00:06:26,469 --> 00:06:29,513 I knew it. I knew you were a depraved lunatic. 111 00:06:29,555 --> 00:06:33,683 Well, that may very well be the case, but things are not always as they appear. 112 00:06:33,726 --> 00:06:36,645 Good God, man, your fly is open. 113 00:06:36,687 --> 00:06:39,523 Thank you for embarrassing me in front of my student. 114 00:06:39,565 --> 00:06:41,566 What do you have to say for yourself, Jackie? 115 00:06:42,860 --> 00:06:44,736 Well, he said he'd give me an A. 116 00:06:44,779 --> 00:06:47,948 That is some fucked-up shit right there, woman. Reverse course. 117 00:06:47,990 --> 00:06:49,908 I'm gonna have you drawn and quartered. 118 00:06:49,951 --> 00:06:52,160 Maybe Jackie's gonna want to press charges 119 00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:55,247 against the ageing degenerate who compromised her college experience. 120 00:06:55,331 --> 00:06:57,791 - Maybe I will. - What the fuck? 121 00:06:57,834 --> 00:07:01,461 - But I can't. - Why on earth not? 122 00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:03,338 Cos I was just kidding. 123 00:07:04,507 --> 00:07:07,551 - You were kidding? - Look, I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous. 124 00:07:07,593 --> 00:07:09,594 He was just giving me notes on a story. 125 00:07:09,637 --> 00:07:12,305 We were talking about the ending, 126 00:07:12,348 --> 00:07:14,516 - actually, of the story, right? - Yes. 127 00:07:14,559 --> 00:07:16,560 - And he thinks it's over. - Right. 128 00:07:16,602 --> 00:07:20,355 - But I know that it's just begun. - Right. 129 00:07:20,398 --> 00:07:22,524 But don't worry, Dean Koons, really. 130 00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:25,610 He's never done anything even remotely inappropriate. 131 00:07:25,653 --> 00:07:28,113 Really, he's very boring, 132 00:07:28,156 --> 00:07:30,449 and so not my type. 133 00:07:30,491 --> 00:07:34,327 I like 'em darker, handsomer. 134 00:07:34,370 --> 00:07:36,705 God, you have great eyebrows, sir. 135 00:07:36,747 --> 00:07:39,124 A girl could really get lost in those things. 136 00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:41,877 - He's got pretty blue eyes, too, doesn't he? - Gorgeous. 137 00:07:41,919 --> 00:07:44,504 Thank you. Thank you, Jackie. That's very kind of you. 138 00:07:44,547 --> 00:07:47,257 You're welcome. Thanks for the help. 139 00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:49,676 I'll show myself out. 140 00:07:55,141 --> 00:07:58,393 You have a thunderous erection now. 141 00:08:00,855 --> 00:08:03,565 I'll close the door, give you some privacy. 142 00:08:06,235 --> 00:08:09,237 Oh, yeah. That's mama's sweet spot. 143 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:10,780 Lower. Lower. 144 00:08:10,823 --> 00:08:13,116 Another two inches, I'll read your spec script. 145 00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:15,994 - No, I don't do that. - You're one of those, huh? 146 00:08:16,037 --> 00:08:20,290 No happy endings, just cliffhangers. Well, get the fuck out of here! 147 00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:22,292 I've grown weary. I have work to do. 148 00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:25,337 Runkle! I need you on my carpet! 149 00:08:27,757 --> 00:08:30,217 Crazy bitch. 150 00:08:30,259 --> 00:08:32,719 Morning, Sue. 151 00:08:32,762 --> 00:08:36,806 That guy! Fired up the grill and walked out of here with an uncooked wiener. 152 00:08:36,849 --> 00:08:38,475 Can you believe that? 153 00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:41,520 It's what happens when Buddhists commandeer a profession 154 00:08:41,562 --> 00:08:44,689 that rightfully belongs to well-hung Swedes. 155 00:08:44,732 --> 00:08:49,027 So it is. What about you? Have you emptied the chamber today? 156 00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:52,864 - Well, as a matter of fact... - Of course you have. You're Runkle. 157 00:08:52,907 --> 00:08:56,159 You'd whack it to a cat dancing on YouTube. 158 00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:58,620 But I'm in the mood. 159 00:08:58,663 --> 00:09:01,748 - Want to fire off another round, huh? - Phone call for you, Sue. 160 00:09:01,791 --> 00:09:05,335 Rhonda, you know better than to interrupt me when I'm entertaining a gentleman. 161 00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:08,255 - It's him. - Him? 162 00:09:10,049 --> 00:09:11,758 Everybody out. 163 00:09:18,516 --> 00:09:20,267 How you doing? 164 00:09:21,435 --> 00:09:24,646 Everything good out here? You hip-pocketing anyone? 165 00:09:24,689 --> 00:09:26,773 That was always my move as an assistant. 166 00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:29,693 I know she's seen your penis. 167 00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:34,364 Guess what, Rhonda? She's not alone. 168 00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:36,533 11,000 hits on RedTube. 169 00:09:39,620 --> 00:09:42,706 Don't go anywhere, Runkle. 170 00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:44,499 I need you. 171 00:09:51,340 --> 00:09:53,508 Jillybean. 172 00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:55,343 Nice to see you. 173 00:09:55,386 --> 00:09:57,721 Wow, classy. 174 00:09:57,763 --> 00:10:01,766 Moody, real tablecloths. You trying to tell me something? 175 00:10:01,809 --> 00:10:04,603 Cos I didn't even think we were dating, per se. 176 00:10:04,645 --> 00:10:08,315 That's interesting, because... I've been doing some thinking, 177 00:10:08,357 --> 00:10:10,025 - and I wanted to... - Yeah, me too. 178 00:10:10,067 --> 00:10:11,443 You have? 179 00:10:11,485 --> 00:10:14,237 - Ladies first. - Actually, not that much thinking, 180 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:15,947 just a medium amount of thinking, 181 00:10:15,990 --> 00:10:18,783 cos too much with the thinking, that does me in. 182 00:10:18,868 --> 00:10:23,955 That's how I jinx things. So now I'm just taking it slow, going day by day. 183 00:10:25,541 --> 00:10:27,667 What were you gonna say? 184 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:32,589 OK. 185 00:10:33,716 --> 00:10:35,675 - OK, look, here's the thing. - Oh, my God. 186 00:10:35,718 --> 00:10:38,637 Oh, my sweet fucking God. 187 00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:40,722 - What? - Jack. 188 00:10:40,765 --> 00:10:42,557 My egg-waster. 189 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,476 - That's the ex dull normal? - Yeah. 190 00:10:44,518 --> 00:10:48,188 The guy I waited half a fucking decade to propose to me. 191 00:10:48,230 --> 00:10:49,606 - That guy? - Yes! 192 00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:52,859 And he dumped me, in a place just like this. 193 00:10:52,902 --> 00:10:55,820 - Fucking Italian food. - Really? That is a dick move. 194 00:10:55,863 --> 00:10:58,156 Yeah. And you know what else? 195 00:10:58,199 --> 00:11:01,493 He said it was unethical for him to keep dating me, 196 00:11:01,535 --> 00:11:04,162 knowing that I wanted to get married and have kids, 197 00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:06,122 and he wasn't ready for those things. 198 00:11:06,165 --> 00:11:10,001 Well, see, that sounds pretty morally upstanding to me. 199 00:11:10,044 --> 00:11:11,211 - In fact... - Really? 200 00:11:11,253 --> 00:11:14,923 Cos it didn't stop him from having regular sex with me for five years. 201 00:11:14,965 --> 00:11:18,176 But you could have gotten rid of him. Wash that man right out of your hair. 202 00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:19,344 Boom! End of problem. 203 00:11:19,387 --> 00:11:22,389 Have you ever thought about being the dumper instead of the dumpee? 204 00:11:22,431 --> 00:11:23,723 That's not a bad idea. 205 00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:25,809 - Why don't you practise on me now? - Oh, my God! 206 00:11:25,851 --> 00:11:28,812 She has a ring. Look! Look at her finger. 207 00:11:28,854 --> 00:11:31,439 Do you see that monstrosity on her finger? 208 00:11:31,482 --> 00:11:33,400 They're fucking engaged! 209 00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:37,237 Oh, my God, I... 210 00:11:37,279 --> 00:11:39,698 - What is my move? What do I do? - There is no move. 211 00:11:39,740 --> 00:11:42,701 - I have to go and say hi. - No! Fuck, no. You don't say hi. 212 00:11:42,743 --> 00:11:46,204 - But that's what normal people do. - Jill, you've got to get out of your own way. 213 00:11:46,247 --> 00:11:50,417 The only thought in your head right now should be, "Fuck that guy." 214 00:11:50,459 --> 00:11:53,545 I'm really starting to think that's the only piece of advice you have. 215 00:11:53,587 --> 00:11:57,674 - This is what you should do. - What are you doing? 216 00:11:58,467 --> 00:12:01,052 Oh, my God, Moody. Moody. 217 00:12:03,013 --> 00:12:05,056 - Oh, my God, it is you. - Yeah? 218 00:12:05,099 --> 00:12:07,517 Yeah, it's me, buddy. Kind of busy here. 219 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:10,937 Well, excuse me for having the nerve to come up to you and say hi in public. 220 00:12:11,021 --> 00:12:15,400 Don't blow me off. I just wanted you to know that I got the test results back. 221 00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:17,736 And, shit, I hope you have the courage 222 00:12:17,778 --> 00:12:19,904 to inform the rest of your sexual partners, 223 00:12:19,947 --> 00:12:21,781 because Lord knows I never had the herp 224 00:12:21,824 --> 00:12:25,577 before you blew me until I was shooting blood at the Palm Springs White Party. 225 00:12:25,619 --> 00:12:26,786 Whatever. 226 00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:29,247 I hope you and your beard 227 00:12:29,290 --> 00:12:31,416 have a wonderful rest of the day. 228 00:12:42,303 --> 00:12:43,553 - Now... - Oh, God. 229 00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:45,930 OK, can I just tell you that being incredibly sweet 230 00:12:45,973 --> 00:12:48,141 and sensitive to my situation right now 231 00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:50,894 is not making me want to fuck you any less. 232 00:12:50,936 --> 00:12:53,688 Let's go, baby. 233 00:12:53,731 --> 00:12:55,690 OK, so here's the thing. 234 00:13:01,822 --> 00:13:05,325 He's my life, Charlie. He's my first client. 235 00:13:05,367 --> 00:13:07,619 I can't lose him. I am fucked if I lose him. 236 00:13:07,661 --> 00:13:09,245 Let me handle this for you, Sue. 237 00:13:13,584 --> 00:13:15,919 Knock-knock. Runkle calling. 238 00:13:15,961 --> 00:13:18,421 How you doing there? 239 00:13:18,506 --> 00:13:21,841 Hello, hello. I'm Charlie Runkle and... 240 00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:24,719 Are you the law? 241 00:13:24,762 --> 00:13:27,096 Or are you an outlaw? 242 00:13:27,139 --> 00:13:29,182 Cos there's only one I can abide. 243 00:13:29,225 --> 00:13:31,684 Sue... 244 00:13:31,727 --> 00:13:33,102 Susan. 245 00:13:34,438 --> 00:13:37,232 No harm, man. 246 00:13:37,274 --> 00:13:39,442 Come in peace. 247 00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:44,656 - I owe you an apology. - Don't do this. 248 00:13:44,698 --> 00:13:47,700 Just get your head out of your ass, and you don't have to apologise. 249 00:13:47,743 --> 00:13:50,787 - Come on, Sue, you know I love you. - Then why change? 250 00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:54,332 It's not about chasing some shiny Hollywood dream. 251 00:13:54,375 --> 00:13:59,128 Hell, I've snorted, fucked and smoked everything Hollywood has to offer. 252 00:14:03,217 --> 00:14:05,677 It's about my legacy. 253 00:14:05,719 --> 00:14:09,222 These young bulldogs from UTK came up nipping at my heels, 254 00:14:09,265 --> 00:14:12,392 saying they could put my face on a salad-dressing bottle 255 00:14:12,434 --> 00:14:15,061 and sell millions for charity. 256 00:14:15,104 --> 00:14:16,938 Paul Newman-type shit. 257 00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:19,357 Shit is exactly what it is. 258 00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:23,152 UTK gives that speech to every potential client over 50. 259 00:14:23,195 --> 00:14:26,865 It's how they poach boomers, by preying on idealism. 260 00:14:26,907 --> 00:14:28,783 Who the fuck are you? 261 00:14:28,826 --> 00:14:31,661 I am Charlie Runkle. 262 00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:33,955 You can call me Chuck. 263 00:14:33,998 --> 00:14:37,792 Look, what they want to do is turn you into a corporate brand, man. 264 00:14:37,835 --> 00:14:42,005 Forget Paul Newman. UTK is more likely to put your name on a McDonald's cup. 265 00:14:42,047 --> 00:14:44,883 - Sue here is the one... - Stop the vomit. 266 00:14:47,094 --> 00:14:49,387 Listen, Sue. 267 00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:52,891 Did you bring me one of those MBA twerps, or is this guy a man? 268 00:14:52,933 --> 00:14:56,811 - Oh, no. He's a man. - Right. 269 00:14:57,730 --> 00:15:00,356 Well, then let's settle this like men. 270 00:15:10,034 --> 00:15:11,993 You want me to fight you? 271 00:15:12,036 --> 00:15:15,997 You lick me, I go with her. 272 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:19,500 I lick you, you will leave the premises. 273 00:15:20,294 --> 00:15:22,211 All right, Runkle. 274 00:15:22,254 --> 00:15:24,422 - I... wha... - Pound him! 275 00:15:25,841 --> 00:15:29,636 - I'm not gonna hit an old man. - I heard that, pantywaist. 276 00:15:29,678 --> 00:15:32,722 Forget to take your Pamprin this morning? 277 00:15:35,351 --> 00:15:37,101 OK, then. 278 00:15:39,563 --> 00:15:42,190 How do you propose we do this, huh? 279 00:15:42,232 --> 00:15:44,192 We're gonna do it tiger style? 280 00:15:44,234 --> 00:15:46,194 Or do you like the spider? 281 00:15:49,490 --> 00:15:52,617 - Come on. - Sue is Sue! 282 00:15:52,660 --> 00:15:54,535 She believes in people, not brands. 283 00:15:54,578 --> 00:15:56,746 She had your back when you were living in her van. 284 00:15:56,789 --> 00:16:00,208 She'll have it till the day you die. That's my fucking bad nipple! 285 00:16:02,294 --> 00:16:04,879 You want your face on some salad dressing, 286 00:16:04,922 --> 00:16:07,840 Sue will get you some motherfucking salad dressing. 287 00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:12,512 God, fuck. 288 00:16:12,554 --> 00:16:14,764 My goddamn sciatica. 289 00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:17,016 Fuck the whimpering dog pack! 290 00:16:17,101 --> 00:16:19,978 Go with the lioness! 291 00:16:20,020 --> 00:16:22,981 I'm in. Get the fuck off me. 292 00:16:25,317 --> 00:16:27,902 Runkle. 293 00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:30,822 Come on, you. 294 00:16:30,864 --> 00:16:32,407 Come on. 295 00:16:32,449 --> 00:16:35,076 You almost gave me a heart attack, you old bear. 296 00:16:35,119 --> 00:16:37,745 Oh, Susie, you know I never would have left you. 297 00:16:37,788 --> 00:16:41,958 I didn't want to sign with those UTK guys. 298 00:16:42,042 --> 00:16:46,045 They're the laugh of the town, with that agent that's masturbating all the time. 299 00:16:46,088 --> 00:16:48,172 Yeah. Tell me about it. 300 00:16:48,257 --> 00:16:50,466 That place is unsavoury. 301 00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:13,072 Professor Moody. 302 00:17:13,115 --> 00:17:15,033 - You shouldn't have. - Can I come in? 303 00:17:15,075 --> 00:17:17,910 Not the best of times, actually. 304 00:17:17,953 --> 00:17:21,873 Well, I have some important things to discuss, weighty things. 305 00:17:21,915 --> 00:17:24,417 Stuff I'd like to get off my chest. 306 00:17:25,919 --> 00:17:28,129 Well, by all means, then. 307 00:17:30,382 --> 00:17:33,593 - I really do have a meeting. - OK, OK. 308 00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:40,683 So look, here's the thing. No. No, no. This is yummier. 309 00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:42,977 You're quitting. I know. 310 00:17:43,020 --> 00:17:45,521 You're moving back to New York, aren't you? 311 00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:48,649 - You and Kelly will give it another go. - Karen. Karen. 312 00:17:48,692 --> 00:17:52,111 Whatever. The point is, I assumed you'd be moving back. 313 00:17:52,154 --> 00:17:55,073 Not to worry, we'll be fine. Life goes on. 314 00:17:55,115 --> 00:17:57,075 I'm sure I could just cruise by Home Depot 315 00:17:57,117 --> 00:18:00,369 and find someone more suitable for the job. 316 00:18:02,831 --> 00:18:06,876 Well, you can't say we didn't give it a shot, right? 317 00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:09,253 We gave it the old college try, didn't we? 318 00:18:09,296 --> 00:18:12,173 - Did you, Hank? - I like to think so. 319 00:18:12,216 --> 00:18:14,592 Oh, well, that's all that matters, then. 320 00:18:14,635 --> 00:18:17,178 You seem rather annoyed with me. 321 00:18:17,221 --> 00:18:21,808 - It's all for the best, really. - What's for the best? 322 00:18:21,850 --> 00:18:24,852 Well, seeing as though I made an absolute fool out of myself, 323 00:18:24,895 --> 00:18:27,647 I can't say that I'm entirely sad to see you go. 324 00:18:27,689 --> 00:18:30,274 No, it's true, really. You know... 325 00:18:30,317 --> 00:18:33,361 I offered myself to you, and you weren't interested. 326 00:18:33,403 --> 00:18:35,363 That's not exactly how it went down. 327 00:18:35,405 --> 00:18:39,158 You have some serious relationship issues to attend to, as do I. 328 00:18:39,201 --> 00:18:41,994 And the most that we could have offered each other is some... 329 00:18:42,037 --> 00:18:43,746 sexual healing. 330 00:18:43,789 --> 00:18:46,040 Pleasures of the flesh and whatnot, that's all. 331 00:18:46,083 --> 00:18:49,669 - But that's exactly what I was looking for. - Oh, no, no. You say that, but... 332 00:18:49,753 --> 00:18:51,295 - No, it is. - No, but... 333 00:18:51,338 --> 00:18:53,506 After a while, I would work my way under your skin 334 00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:56,050 like the slow-moving fungus that I am. 335 00:18:56,093 --> 00:18:58,511 And you... I've always been a sucker for a woman 336 00:18:58,554 --> 00:19:01,472 who's a boy on my arm and a puma in the bedroom. 337 00:19:01,515 --> 00:19:04,725 If only I could have just had one little nibble. 338 00:19:04,768 --> 00:19:08,146 - A nibble's not enough. We both know that. - Yeah. It's all for the best. 339 00:19:08,188 --> 00:19:10,898 - So we're cool? - Yes, we're cool. 340 00:19:10,941 --> 00:19:13,192 OK. 341 00:19:13,235 --> 00:19:14,944 That's my meeting. 342 00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:17,905 You know what? You can go out this door if it's more convenient. 343 00:19:17,948 --> 00:19:20,533 But my car is right out front, so why don't I just... 344 00:19:20,576 --> 00:19:23,744 Of course. I'll see you out. Wait, wait. 345 00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:27,707 - David. - Hey. 346 00:19:27,749 --> 00:19:29,500 - Come in. - You look good. 347 00:19:29,543 --> 00:19:32,503 I'm sorry. Am I early? Am I interrupting something? 348 00:19:32,546 --> 00:19:34,297 - Not at all. - Yeah, well, he kind of is. 349 00:19:34,339 --> 00:19:36,382 Nonsense. Professor Moody was just leaving. 350 00:19:36,466 --> 00:19:39,427 Hank Moody. David Wilder. Big fan. Big, big fan. 351 00:19:39,469 --> 00:19:42,847 David's another of our notorious writers at the university. 352 00:19:42,890 --> 00:19:45,016 Yeah, The Hardest Of Woods. I'm aware. 353 00:19:45,058 --> 00:19:48,060 Before you came along, I was in a fair amount of trouble with this one 354 00:19:48,103 --> 00:19:51,814 for bedding the local talent. So thanks for taking the pressure off me. 355 00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:54,400 You're welcome... I guess. 356 00:19:55,235 --> 00:19:59,655 Yeah, it's given me a hell of a lot of time to work on my writing, which is nice. 357 00:19:59,698 --> 00:20:04,285 You know, I like to sit at my desk, and I like to brew up a big mug of word tea. 358 00:20:04,328 --> 00:20:05,786 Word tea? Sure. 359 00:20:05,829 --> 00:20:08,497 You should probably go. We have work to discuss. 360 00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:12,293 Where exactly is His Royal Deanness this evening? 361 00:20:12,336 --> 00:20:16,797 He's out with friends, recreating the battle of Chickamauga. 362 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:20,676 - That's very interesting. - No, it's not, actually. It's dull as shit. 363 00:20:20,719 --> 00:20:24,472 You're doing it, aren't you? Cashing in your freebie, your marital hall pass. 364 00:20:24,514 --> 00:20:26,432 - I don't know what you mean. - Yeah, you do. 365 00:20:26,475 --> 00:20:29,852 You'll stick it to the deaner by letting Wilder show you his hardest of woods. 366 00:20:29,895 --> 00:20:32,897 - I beg your pardon. - Hey, buddy, that is completely out of line. 367 00:20:32,940 --> 00:20:35,107 Don't do it, Felicia. Don't throw it all away 368 00:20:35,150 --> 00:20:37,818 for a few clumsy minutes with the poor man's version of me, 369 00:20:37,861 --> 00:20:40,363 - the road-show version of me. - Hey, you know what? 370 00:20:40,405 --> 00:20:42,657 Bragging's not my thing, but I can go for hours. 371 00:20:42,699 --> 00:20:45,243 Stay and watch. Be my guest. Maybe she'll take us both on. 372 00:20:45,285 --> 00:20:47,119 Hank, this is none of your business. 373 00:20:47,162 --> 00:20:49,747 Even if I was cashing something in or whatever... 374 00:20:49,790 --> 00:20:51,958 Felicia, don't do it. Don't chuck it all 375 00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:55,086 for the fucking Nutty Professor here. This is bullshit. 376 00:20:55,128 --> 00:20:58,172 That is uncalled for. And we both know that I'm not black. 377 00:20:58,215 --> 00:21:02,051 When was the last time, by the way, that you published anything, Moody? 378 00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:04,553 Easy for you to say. No, no, no. You have no... 379 00:21:04,596 --> 00:21:08,516 You got back with your ex-whatever, just as things were starting to heat up between us. 380 00:21:08,558 --> 00:21:10,851 You know what, Felicia? It's up to you. 381 00:21:10,894 --> 00:21:14,146 You know that I would jump at the opportunity to make sweet, hard love to you. 382 00:21:14,189 --> 00:21:17,400 You have the ass of a ten-year-old boy. 383 00:21:18,527 --> 00:21:22,655 Hank, please, just go. It's too little, too late. I can't. 384 00:21:24,157 --> 00:21:25,950 Fine. You're a big girl. 385 00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:29,328 You can make your own decisions. 386 00:21:29,371 --> 00:21:32,373 Be good to her, Wilder. She's way out of your league. 387 00:21:33,125 --> 00:21:35,376 I concur. Hey, Moody... 388 00:21:35,419 --> 00:21:37,461 I have a book coming out this spring. 389 00:21:37,504 --> 00:21:40,548 Do you think maybe you can write me up a blurb? 390 00:21:40,590 --> 00:21:43,009 What's this one called, The Buoyancy Of Turds? 391 00:21:43,051 --> 00:21:44,844 Think about it. I'll send you a copy, OK? 392 00:21:49,391 --> 00:21:50,725 I think he's drunk. 393 00:22:01,653 --> 00:22:03,779 So how do you want to do this? 394 00:22:03,822 --> 00:22:07,491 Do you want to just kick back and start with a little oral, huh? 395 00:22:07,534 --> 00:22:10,786 Do you want a little bit of this? Or should I go for a little bit of that? 396 00:22:10,829 --> 00:22:14,832 Because I'll tell you something, I could eat that peach all night long. 397 00:22:14,875 --> 00:22:17,293 I just camp out... 398 00:22:17,336 --> 00:22:18,753 S'mores. 399 00:22:20,756 --> 00:22:23,924 Yeah, I think you'll find that I'm a very giving and caring lover... 400 00:22:23,967 --> 00:22:25,676 So don't worry... 401 00:22:25,761 --> 00:22:27,845 Fine, I'll do it. 402 00:22:28,930 --> 00:22:31,349 You want to throw your life away, use me. 403 00:22:31,391 --> 00:22:33,893 What? That's the most ridiculous thing I've... 404 00:22:33,935 --> 00:22:35,644 Please! Go! 405 00:22:43,737 --> 00:22:46,947 Wilder, go brew yourself a big mug of word tea... 406 00:22:46,990 --> 00:22:49,075 and dip your balls in it. 407 00:22:53,580 --> 00:22:57,541 Behind The Green Door is available on Blu-ray. 408 00:22:57,584 --> 00:22:59,502 LaserDisc. 409 00:22:59,544 --> 00:23:03,422 People who sold their LaserDiscs were absolute assholes. 410 00:23:03,465 --> 00:23:05,841 Fools and assholes. 411 00:23:05,884 --> 00:23:08,052 - What? - Flip it. 412 00:23:08,095 --> 00:23:10,179 Flip it! 413 00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:18,938 Wow. OK. 414 00:23:21,149 --> 00:23:23,609 So where is the man of the house this evening? 415 00:23:23,652 --> 00:23:25,444 Berlin. 416 00:23:25,487 --> 00:23:28,823 Think he is bidding on an Egyptian fertility amulet. 417 00:23:28,865 --> 00:23:30,658 It's quite rare, really. 418 00:23:30,700 --> 00:23:33,661 It's the world's first depiction of a butt plug. 419 00:23:33,703 --> 00:23:35,621 Excellent. Excellent. 420 00:23:35,664 --> 00:23:37,873 Good for him. 421 00:23:39,793 --> 00:23:42,294 I must toast you. 422 00:23:42,337 --> 00:23:45,256 - What you did today was astonishing. - Thank you, Sue. 423 00:23:45,298 --> 00:23:47,258 When you started, I thought, 424 00:23:47,300 --> 00:23:49,844 "My God, this man has diarrhoea of the mouth 425 00:23:49,886 --> 00:23:51,846 "and there is no kaopectate in sight." 426 00:23:51,930 --> 00:23:56,350 But the poetry that poured out of you... 427 00:23:56,393 --> 00:23:59,228 I mean, you cast your rod, 428 00:23:59,271 --> 00:24:01,355 and you hooked the old swordfish, 429 00:24:01,398 --> 00:24:03,983 and you reeled him in by his taint. 430 00:24:04,025 --> 00:24:07,695 To Charles W Runkle, my hero. 431 00:24:07,737 --> 00:24:09,655 No. No. 432 00:24:09,698 --> 00:24:12,032 To you, Sue. 433 00:24:18,957 --> 00:24:21,041 Well, look at that. 434 00:24:21,084 --> 00:24:23,586 So let's get this party started! 435 00:24:23,628 --> 00:24:24,920 Toot? 436 00:24:27,924 --> 00:24:30,801 Why not? 437 00:24:30,844 --> 00:24:34,597 Wow, that's a nice coke straw. 438 00:24:34,639 --> 00:24:36,265 Very classy. 439 00:24:36,308 --> 00:24:39,977 Yeah. It was given to me by a female member of Fleetwood Mac. 440 00:24:43,732 --> 00:24:46,775 - Stevie Nicks? - I can't say. 441 00:24:46,818 --> 00:24:48,694 But it wasn't Christine McVie 442 00:24:48,737 --> 00:24:50,821 or Lindsey Buckingham. 443 00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:52,406 Yeah, Lindsey's a dude. 444 00:24:52,449 --> 00:24:54,658 Exactly. 445 00:24:56,369 --> 00:24:58,871 I have a deviated septum. 446 00:24:58,914 --> 00:25:01,707 Well, you really shouldn't touch this stuff at all. 447 00:25:01,750 --> 00:25:04,210 That really burns. 448 00:25:04,252 --> 00:25:06,587 I want you to do me a solid, Runkle. 449 00:25:06,630 --> 00:25:10,674 I need you to blow this up my bum. 450 00:25:10,717 --> 00:25:13,552 You know, a tush toot. 451 00:25:13,595 --> 00:25:16,430 The old coke in the can, huh? 452 00:25:18,433 --> 00:25:19,725 No biggie. 453 00:25:19,768 --> 00:25:22,520 No, it's no biggie... 454 00:25:23,730 --> 00:25:25,064 No biggie at all. 455 00:25:31,947 --> 00:25:33,447 Got anything a little longer? 456 00:25:33,490 --> 00:25:35,074 We'll use this. 457 00:25:38,662 --> 00:25:42,373 Not so fast. Where you going on a school night, young lady? 458 00:25:42,415 --> 00:25:46,418 Actually, I was hoping we could go grab some ice cream, 459 00:25:46,461 --> 00:25:49,088 make those Cold Stone guys work for their tips. 460 00:25:49,130 --> 00:25:51,799 Really? What, like me and you? 461 00:25:51,841 --> 00:25:53,842 Together? 462 00:25:53,885 --> 00:25:56,845 Like father and daughter, almost, together? 463 00:25:56,888 --> 00:25:59,139 To the Stone that is Cold, together? 464 00:25:59,182 --> 00:26:00,891 That's cool. 465 00:26:01,977 --> 00:26:03,686 What the fuck? 466 00:26:07,691 --> 00:26:09,567 Hank! Mr Moody. 467 00:26:09,609 --> 00:26:12,194 You're not gonna "Mr Hank" your way out of this one, Chelsea. 468 00:26:12,237 --> 00:26:14,488 - Jesus Christ. - Becca said you'd be gone. 469 00:26:14,531 --> 00:26:17,866 - Dad, can you please be cool? - Be cool? 470 00:26:17,909 --> 00:26:21,870 I don't know how much spunk this kid has deposited all over your bedroom! 471 00:26:23,039 --> 00:26:26,292 OK, that was unsavoury, all right? But it had to be said. Now, time to go! 472 00:26:30,255 --> 00:26:31,338 Come on, Chelsea. 473 00:26:32,507 --> 00:26:33,966 You limping, Hank? 474 00:26:34,009 --> 00:26:37,303 Yes, I went jogging this morning, Chelsea, OK? Now go. 475 00:26:37,345 --> 00:26:40,556 You're not interested in what I'm doing. 476 00:26:40,599 --> 00:26:42,975 Is this really how you want to spend your school nights? 477 00:26:43,018 --> 00:26:46,979 - I wasn't doing anything wrong. - You weren't doing anything wrong? 478 00:26:47,022 --> 00:26:48,939 Becca, you invited your friends over 479 00:26:48,982 --> 00:26:51,150 to fuck in your bedroom while you waited outside. 480 00:26:51,192 --> 00:26:52,735 That is disgusting. 481 00:26:52,777 --> 00:26:55,654 And that's hilarious, coming from you and all. 482 00:26:55,739 --> 00:26:58,115 What? I don't understand you. 483 00:26:58,158 --> 00:27:01,994 What the fuck are you thinking? Do you think this house is a bordello? 484 00:27:06,541 --> 00:27:08,083 OK, look... 485 00:27:08,168 --> 00:27:10,252 - Here's the thing. - Actually, Dad, yes. 486 00:27:10,295 --> 00:27:13,505 This house is a bordello, because that's how it's run by you! 487 00:27:13,548 --> 00:27:15,799 Don't you try to turn this around on me. Becca! 488 00:27:15,842 --> 00:27:17,885 Becca! Don't go out that door! 489 00:27:18,637 --> 00:27:22,640 Might as well live whatever life I have left before you ship me off to New York! 490 00:27:22,724 --> 00:27:25,351 Becca. Becca! 491 00:27:26,436 --> 00:27:27,895 Becca.