1
00:00:05,435 --> 00:00:07,368
Killing bad guys is my business,
2
00:00:07,370 --> 00:00:09,337
and business be
fucking crackin'.
3
00:00:09,339 --> 00:00:11,105
Ha ha.
4
00:00:11,107 --> 00:00:12,440
Especially
when I'm killing crackheads,
5
00:00:12,442 --> 00:00:14,842
- you know what I'm saying?
- Yeah.
6
00:00:14,844 --> 00:00:16,611
So don't y'all worry
about the funny.
7
00:00:16,613 --> 00:00:20,615
That's my job.
I bring the fucking funny.
8
00:00:20,617 --> 00:00:22,917
Here's what's not my job...
9
00:00:22,919 --> 00:00:25,086
delivering
all your expositional shit.
10
00:00:25,088 --> 00:00:27,654
Save that yickity-yack
for the guest stars, all right?
11
00:00:27,656 --> 00:00:30,591
Now, Danko's cool.
He's cool.
12
00:00:30,593 --> 00:00:32,593
Only time that nigga open his
mouth, he got something to say,
13
00:00:32,595 --> 00:00:35,262
and that shit better be worth
saying, all right?
14
00:00:35,264 --> 00:00:37,364
None of that nonsensical
cop jargon y'all motherfuckers
15
00:00:37,366 --> 00:00:38,599
always be writing.
16
00:00:38,601 --> 00:00:43,169
"Watch out! Get down!
Damn!
17
00:00:43,171 --> 00:00:46,373
Whoo!
Now, that's how you drive!"
18
00:00:46,375 --> 00:00:48,875
I can say a whole lot
with a look.
19
00:00:48,877 --> 00:00:52,346
Peep.
20
00:00:52,348 --> 00:00:53,714
- Mm.
- Wow.
21
00:00:53,716 --> 00:00:55,148
- Yeah.
- I don't know about you guys,
22
00:00:55,150 --> 00:00:56,650
but I think
I just shit my pants.
23
00:00:56,652 --> 00:00:59,052
[Laughter]
24
00:00:59,054 --> 00:01:00,519
That's not
the "shit my pants" look.
25
00:01:00,521 --> 00:01:02,222
Oh, no?
26
00:01:02,224 --> 00:01:04,423
This is
the "shit my pants" look.
27
00:01:04,425 --> 00:01:06,092
Slow-mo.
28
00:01:11,098 --> 00:01:12,265
- Mm.
- Oh, wow.
29
00:01:12,267 --> 00:01:13,733
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
30
00:01:13,735 --> 00:01:16,001
[Indistinct chatter]
31
00:01:16,003 --> 00:01:17,503
Y'all peep?
Y'all feel that?
32
00:01:17,505 --> 00:01:18,937
- Whoo!
- Oh, yeah.
33
00:01:18,939 --> 00:01:20,839
Oh, I feel it.
34
00:01:20,841 --> 00:01:22,708
It's like an electromagnetic
pulsing in my asshole area.
35
00:01:22,710 --> 00:01:23,842
[Laughter]
36
00:01:23,844 --> 00:01:25,678
Yo, who's this cat?
37
00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:28,013
Hashtag Black, allow me
to introduce our newest writer,
38
00:01:28,015 --> 00:01:31,316
- Hank Moody.
- Oh, Hank Moody, the raper.
39
00:01:31,318 --> 00:01:33,518
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yep. The one and the same.
40
00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:34,820
I'm a big fan
of all your wrongdoings.
41
00:01:34,822 --> 00:01:36,088
- Thank you.
- Well, you used to work
42
00:01:36,090 --> 00:01:37,656
side by side with samurai, huh?
43
00:01:37,658 --> 00:01:39,758
He was just "Sam" to me...
Calvin, actually.
44
00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:41,359
Yeah, he said
you was a cool dude.
45
00:01:41,361 --> 00:01:42,761
He also said you like
sticking your pee-pee
46
00:01:42,763 --> 00:01:44,329
where it don't belong.
47
00:01:44,331 --> 00:01:45,664
Well, I like to think
that doesn't define me
48
00:01:45,666 --> 00:01:47,098
as a human being.
49
00:01:47,100 --> 00:01:48,500
I also like to think
that my pee-pee belongs
50
00:01:48,502 --> 00:01:50,134
wherever it winds up.
51
00:01:50,136 --> 00:01:51,603
Oh, yeah.
52
00:01:51,605 --> 00:01:54,005
You gonna be my guy, Moody.
53
00:01:54,007 --> 00:01:55,407
You gonna be my set bitch.
54
00:01:55,409 --> 00:01:56,841
- Oh, no.
- You cool with that, Rath?
55
00:01:56,843 --> 00:01:58,343
Absolutely.
Hashtag, whatever you want.
56
00:01:58,345 --> 00:02:00,077
I'm not a big fan
of the set, per se.
57
00:02:00,079 --> 00:02:01,713
I-I find the hours
to be quite punishing.
58
00:02:01,715 --> 00:02:04,715
Has anybody given thought
to maybe starting later
59
00:02:04,717 --> 00:02:05,983
or shorter hours, perhaps?
60
00:02:05,985 --> 00:02:07,718
What the fuck
is he going on about?
61
00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:09,987
- Fuck if I know.
- Excuse me, Hashtag,
62
00:02:09,989 --> 00:02:12,256
- I'd love to pitch you an idea...
- Ahh! Yo, yo, yo.
63
00:02:12,258 --> 00:02:14,292
Pitches hurt my ears,
especially pitches from bitches.
64
00:02:14,294 --> 00:02:16,393
No offense...
y'all got the tendency
65
00:02:16,395 --> 00:02:17,995
of using too many words,
you know what I mean?
66
00:02:17,997 --> 00:02:19,896
Why use one word
when you can use ten, right?
67
00:02:19,898 --> 00:02:22,633
Yeah. [Laughs]
That's funny.
68
00:02:22,635 --> 00:02:24,335
- Actually, I can be quite brief.
- Goldie!
69
00:02:24,337 --> 00:02:26,269
The man doesn't want to hear
your pitch right now.
70
00:02:26,271 --> 00:02:28,739
Yo, peace, writer peoples.
71
00:02:28,741 --> 00:02:29,973
Let me walk you out, Hashtag.
72
00:02:29,975 --> 00:02:31,575
- Love you. Love you.
- Hashtag.
73
00:02:31,577 --> 00:02:34,211
Kickoff party tonight
at my place... be there.
74
00:02:34,213 --> 00:02:36,412
Behave yourselves,
don't break anything,
75
00:02:36,414 --> 00:02:37,948
and no fucking in my pool...
76
00:02:37,950 --> 00:02:39,983
Terry.
[Laughter]
77
00:02:39,985 --> 00:02:41,417
Hey, does anybody else
want to be set bitch?
78
00:02:41,419 --> 00:02:43,486
- Set... set bitches? Set bitch?
- No.
79
00:02:43,488 --> 00:02:45,788
Set bitch? Terry,
I'll arm-wrestle you for it.
80
00:02:45,790 --> 00:02:47,891
- Come on.
- No.
81
00:02:47,893 --> 00:02:50,894
[Upbeat music]
82
00:02:50,896 --> 00:02:58,896
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
83
00:03:01,158 --> 00:03:06,058
re-sync'd for DAA release
by Cookie Monsta
84
00:03:42,077 --> 00:03:44,979
Holy TV money, Batman.
85
00:03:44,981 --> 00:03:47,715
Yeah, look at that... the house
that utter mediocrity built.
86
00:03:47,717 --> 00:03:50,084
It's inspiring, Hank.
87
00:03:50,086 --> 00:03:53,421
I've never felt more determined
to sign TV-writer clients.
88
00:03:53,423 --> 00:03:56,090
Do not shit where I eat,
Charlie... it's unsanitary.
89
00:03:56,092 --> 00:03:59,660
Oh, greetings and salutations,
24-hour party people.
90
00:03:59,662 --> 00:04:01,495
Mom, th... this is the guy
I was telling you about,
91
00:04:01,497 --> 00:04:02,830
the one who came in his pants.
92
00:04:02,832 --> 00:04:04,932
Nice to meet you.
Charlie Runkle.
93
00:04:04,934 --> 00:04:07,668
- Nice to meet you.
- I'm Hank's manager
94
00:04:07,670 --> 00:04:09,603
and heterosexual life mate.
95
00:04:09,605 --> 00:04:10,671
Nice to meet you.
96
00:04:10,673 --> 00:04:12,706
You must be the lovely Julia.
97
00:04:12,708 --> 00:04:14,308
Number one on the baby mama
call sheet.
98
00:04:14,310 --> 00:04:15,976
Levon says great things
about you.
99
00:04:15,978 --> 00:04:18,378
Not really, like, at all, ever.
100
00:04:18,380 --> 00:04:20,480
So, dad, what do you think?
We gonna see some big tits
101
00:04:20,482 --> 00:04:22,649
and round asses
up in here tonight?
102
00:04:22,651 --> 00:04:23,984
Honey, I'm not afraid
to pull your pants down
103
00:04:23,986 --> 00:04:25,352
and spank your bare ass
104
00:04:25,354 --> 00:04:26,886
in a room full of strangers,
you know?
105
00:04:26,888 --> 00:04:28,488
I know you're not, mom.
I'm sorry.
106
00:04:28,490 --> 00:04:29,923
All right, go inside
and behave yourself.
107
00:04:29,925 --> 00:04:31,425
- Okay.
- I'm gonna talk to your dad.
108
00:04:31,427 --> 00:04:33,225
Come on, kid, let's check out
the talent.
109
00:04:33,227 --> 00:04:34,594
You're not gonna walk in there
pitching a tent, are you?
110
00:04:34,596 --> 00:04:36,663
- Behave.
- Okay.
111
00:04:36,665 --> 00:04:39,265
What's up?
112
00:04:39,267 --> 00:04:41,601
Do you notice anything weird
about Levon?
113
00:04:41,603 --> 00:04:43,269
How could you possibly tell?
114
00:04:43,271 --> 00:04:46,573
He seems different...
more relaxed, confident.
115
00:04:46,575 --> 00:04:48,707
- That's a bad thing?
- No, it's great.
116
00:04:48,709 --> 00:04:50,142
I just... I'm not used to it.
117
00:04:50,144 --> 00:04:51,810
Well, maybe having a job
118
00:04:51,812 --> 00:04:53,812
has done wonders
for the young man's psyche.
119
00:04:53,814 --> 00:04:56,048
Or maybe knowing his dad,
who's actually proving to be
120
00:04:56,050 --> 00:04:57,616
something
of a positive role model.
121
00:04:57,618 --> 00:05:00,552
I-I don't think
that could be it, do you?
122
00:05:00,554 --> 00:05:03,456
[Laughs]
123
00:05:03,458 --> 00:05:05,223
Wow.
Nice house.
124
00:05:05,225 --> 00:05:07,559
Yeah. One day,
all this could be yours.
125
00:05:07,561 --> 00:05:10,061
Mrs. Julia Rath...
has a nice ring to it.
126
00:05:10,063 --> 00:05:11,329
Oh, it's just one date.
127
00:05:11,331 --> 00:05:13,231
Hope he wasn't too "handsy."
128
00:05:13,233 --> 00:05:14,733
No, he was a perfect gentleman.
129
00:05:14,735 --> 00:05:16,468
Actually, too perfect, you know?
130
00:05:16,470 --> 00:05:18,637
'Cause sometimes you just want
a guy to, like... [Grunts]
131
00:05:18,639 --> 00:05:21,873
What? What?
You want a guy to what?
132
00:05:21,875 --> 00:05:23,808
My schween is hanging
on your every word.
133
00:05:23,810 --> 00:05:26,277
There's a potential erection
hanging in the balance here.
134
00:05:26,279 --> 00:05:27,912
What? Nothing.
135
00:05:27,914 --> 00:05:29,381
I haven't been to a party
in so long,
136
00:05:29,383 --> 00:05:31,282
I don't even know what to do.
137
00:05:31,284 --> 00:05:33,318
Well, it's like riding a bike.
You just have a drink or ten
138
00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:35,153
and then hope you don't wake up
with a tattoo
139
00:05:35,155 --> 00:05:37,422
or a bloody asshole or both.
140
00:05:37,424 --> 00:05:39,223
- Shall we?
- [Laughs]
141
00:05:39,225 --> 00:05:43,227
[Electronic music]
142
00:05:43,229 --> 00:05:47,231
[Indistinct chatter]
143
00:05:50,335 --> 00:05:52,036
- Get me a refill.
- Oh.
144
00:05:52,038 --> 00:05:53,671
I like when you order me around.
145
00:05:53,673 --> 00:05:55,439
I'm... I'm serious.
I do.
146
00:05:55,441 --> 00:05:59,376
- Stu, Nikki, how's it hanging?
- Hank, how are you?
147
00:05:59,378 --> 00:06:01,811
- Hey, buddy.
- How's the kid?
148
00:06:01,813 --> 00:06:03,847
Still basking in the afterglow.
149
00:06:03,849 --> 00:06:05,382
Uh, you two guys
know each other?
150
00:06:05,384 --> 00:06:07,617
She relieved my son
of his virginity.
151
00:06:07,619 --> 00:06:10,720
World class, dude.
152
00:06:10,722 --> 00:06:13,657
I wish my pops would've
popped my cherry like that.
153
00:06:13,659 --> 00:06:16,726
Instead, he sat me down
and gave me a copy of Playboy
154
00:06:16,728 --> 00:06:19,128
and told me both men and women
had nipples.
155
00:06:19,130 --> 00:06:21,497
[Groans]
Can... can we keep the whole
156
00:06:21,499 --> 00:06:23,733
levon/hooker thing
on the D.L.?
157
00:06:23,735 --> 00:06:25,501
His mom is here, and she doesn't
know anything about it.
158
00:06:25,503 --> 00:06:27,670
Oh, I am nothing
if not discreet.
159
00:06:27,672 --> 00:06:31,441
Oh, now, that is true.
She is amazing.
160
00:06:31,443 --> 00:06:33,342
She lets me do
the kinkiest stuff to her,
161
00:06:33,344 --> 00:06:35,178
and she never tells a soul.
162
00:06:35,180 --> 00:06:36,946
Aw, you are so cute.
[Laughs]
163
00:06:36,948 --> 00:06:38,647
Sounds like a keeper.
164
00:06:38,649 --> 00:06:40,116
Yeah, and she looks
like Marcy, right?
165
00:06:40,118 --> 00:06:42,618
- Yo, Moody.
- Hey, Hashtag.
166
00:06:42,620 --> 00:06:44,419
- How you be, bro?
- I be good.
167
00:06:44,421 --> 00:06:46,188
- Hashtag.
- Big Dick Beggs!
168
00:06:46,190 --> 00:06:49,224
Hashtag.
[Both grunting]
169
00:06:49,226 --> 00:06:51,193
Yo, they say he got
a big dick, though, right?
170
00:06:51,195 --> 00:06:52,628
- Yeah.
- He's crazy.
171
00:06:52,630 --> 00:06:54,429
Yo, Stu, I got to talk
to Moody over here.
172
00:06:54,431 --> 00:06:55,430
- Whatever.
- Ah.
173
00:06:55,432 --> 00:06:56,899
[Indistinct chatter]
174
00:06:56,901 --> 00:06:58,366
Yo, Moody, I got to level
with you, man.
175
00:06:58,368 --> 00:06:59,868
Rath is fucking my shit up.
176
00:06:59,870 --> 00:07:01,203
All right,
that's probably something
177
00:07:01,205 --> 00:07:03,238
you should bring up with Rath.
178
00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:05,107
Motherfucker's too stubborn
to hear my words.
179
00:07:05,109 --> 00:07:06,741
He's all about the drama.
I'm all about the fucking funny.
180
00:07:06,743 --> 00:07:08,776
He wants to do The Wire.
181
00:07:08,778 --> 00:07:10,112
I'm trying to do 48 Hours for
a new generation, you hear me?
182
00:07:10,114 --> 00:07:11,846
- Mm-hmm.
- All right, look.
183
00:07:11,848 --> 00:07:13,781
I need you to help me out
like you helped Samurai out.
184
00:07:13,783 --> 00:07:16,017
We can do
a modern-day action-comedy,
185
00:07:16,019 --> 00:07:17,719
emphasis on the comedy.
186
00:07:17,721 --> 00:07:19,854
I'm not really in a position
to do that, Hashtag.
187
00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:21,355
And I'm... I'm not that funny.
188
00:07:21,357 --> 00:07:23,691
Yeah, but you's
fucking witty, right?
189
00:07:23,693 --> 00:07:25,860
- And I'm fucking funny.
- You are fucking funny.
190
00:07:25,862 --> 00:07:29,230
Together we can...
Damn, who's that piece of ass?
191
00:07:29,232 --> 00:07:31,065
That?
That would be Julia.
192
00:07:31,067 --> 00:07:32,967
She's got a small part on
the show as a squad secretary.
193
00:07:32,969 --> 00:07:34,602
You're gonna be doing
some scenes with her.
194
00:07:34,604 --> 00:07:36,270
Oh, I'm doing scenes
with her, all right.
195
00:07:36,272 --> 00:07:37,904
I'm doing scenes with her
right now up in here.
196
00:07:37,906 --> 00:07:40,073
Ah, she's also
the mother of my son.
197
00:07:40,075 --> 00:07:42,243
- Oh! Oh, oh, okay.
- Mm-hmm.
198
00:07:42,245 --> 00:07:44,612
- You're not together?
- No, not currently.
199
00:07:44,614 --> 00:07:46,747
Mm.
So you ain't crushing that ass?
200
00:07:46,749 --> 00:07:49,250
Not... not... not at the present...
like, 20 years ago,
201
00:07:49,252 --> 00:07:50,784
and even then, I-I wasn't
so much crushing it
202
00:07:50,786 --> 00:07:52,318
as admiring it.
203
00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:53,787
I don't like to be too rough
with the ass.
204
00:07:53,789 --> 00:07:56,089
Oh, I like to destroy that shit.
205
00:07:56,091 --> 00:07:58,591
Mm.
I want to murder that ass.
206
00:07:58,593 --> 00:07:59,993
I understand
what you're saying, Hashtag,
207
00:07:59,995 --> 00:08:01,494
but your language is
so aggressive.
208
00:08:01,496 --> 00:08:03,363
You see, if...
if you murder the ass,
209
00:08:03,365 --> 00:08:05,098
then there's no ass left
to enjoy.
210
00:08:05,100 --> 00:08:06,699
Well, see, that's where
you're wrong, Moody.
211
00:08:06,701 --> 00:08:08,234
You know,
you gotta murder that ass
212
00:08:08,236 --> 00:08:09,602
so no other motherfucker
can enjoy that ass, right?
213
00:08:09,604 --> 00:08:10,970
No.
214
00:08:10,972 --> 00:08:12,171
It's like a metaphorical murder.
215
00:08:12,173 --> 00:08:13,438
- Oh, I...
- Yeah, you feel me?
216
00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:14,640
- I do feel you. I feel you.
- Cool.
217
00:08:14,642 --> 00:08:16,241
- You see that?
- Yeah.
218
00:08:16,243 --> 00:08:17,844
I'ma go see
if I can turn this bitch out.
219
00:08:17,845 --> 00:08:19,244
I'ma catch you later.
220
00:08:19,246 --> 00:08:21,747
Think about my words...
hashtag words.
221
00:08:21,749 --> 00:08:24,449
Mm-hmm. Thought about 'em.
Thought about 'em.
222
00:08:24,451 --> 00:08:25,751
What the fuck was that about?
223
00:08:25,753 --> 00:08:27,286
It seems your number one
224
00:08:27,288 --> 00:08:29,754
is warm
for your number 16's form.
225
00:08:29,756 --> 00:08:31,823
And he doesn't like the way
you're writing him.
226
00:08:31,825 --> 00:08:34,025
So it's not enough that I have
to fight with this motherfucker
227
00:08:34,027 --> 00:08:37,262
over expository dialogue, now
he feels entitled to my woman?
228
00:08:37,264 --> 00:08:39,030
Oh, she's your woman now?
229
00:08:39,032 --> 00:08:41,333
Come on, cut me some slack,
all right?
230
00:08:41,335 --> 00:08:44,069
I'm a little heated up.
She say anything about me?
231
00:08:44,071 --> 00:08:45,636
Well, she said you were
the perfect gentleman.
232
00:08:45,638 --> 00:08:47,572
- Good, good.
- Yeah.
233
00:08:47,574 --> 00:08:49,007
I'm trying, you know?
Usually I'm a fucking asshole.
234
00:08:49,009 --> 00:08:50,241
Yeah.
235
00:08:50,243 --> 00:08:51,642
Trying to take it easy with her.
236
00:08:51,644 --> 00:08:53,011
Right. But sometimes,
you know, you got to...
237
00:08:53,013 --> 00:08:54,445
What?
238
00:08:54,447 --> 00:08:56,181
Well, you know,
sometimes you got to...
239
00:08:56,183 --> 00:08:58,249
- sometimes you got to what?
- You know.
240
00:08:58,251 --> 00:08:59,818
Shit, here comes Shrek.
241
00:08:59,820 --> 00:09:01,352
That's my son
you're talking about... Shrek.
242
00:09:01,354 --> 00:09:03,087
I'm sorry, all right?
I'm all worked up.
243
00:09:03,089 --> 00:09:04,522
I got to head this shit off
at the pass.
244
00:09:04,524 --> 00:09:05,823
All right.
245
00:09:05,825 --> 00:09:07,658
- Guess what.
- Wait.
246
00:09:07,660 --> 00:09:10,428
You were born a pauper to a pawn
on a Christmas day,
247
00:09:10,430 --> 00:09:11,795
when The New York Times said
248
00:09:11,797 --> 00:09:13,264
God is dead,
and the war's begun.
249
00:09:13,266 --> 00:09:14,832
Shut up.
Come on, I hate that.
250
00:09:14,834 --> 00:09:16,934
- Nikki's here.
- I know. She's with Stu Beggs.
251
00:09:16,936 --> 00:09:18,168
Can I borrow some money?
252
00:09:18,170 --> 00:09:21,605
Oh, so Levon does like
his money. Why?
253
00:09:21,607 --> 00:09:24,574
- I want to bone her again.
- She's with Stu.
254
00:09:24,576 --> 00:09:26,110
So what?
She can't spare a few minutes
255
00:09:26,112 --> 00:09:27,778
- for some repeat business?
- Your mom is here.
256
00:09:27,780 --> 00:09:29,446
So? There's a ton of rooms
in this place.
257
00:09:29,448 --> 00:09:30,981
And it's very expensive.
258
00:09:30,983 --> 00:09:32,916
- Okay, I'll pay you back.
- No, you won't.
259
00:09:32,918 --> 00:09:34,917
God damn it, I'm really pissed
at you right now.
260
00:09:34,919 --> 00:09:36,586
I'm a little pissed at you
right now.
261
00:09:36,588 --> 00:09:38,321
[Sighs]
That feeling is back, you know,
262
00:09:38,323 --> 00:09:40,290
- like I-I got to fuck something.
- Okay.
263
00:09:40,292 --> 00:09:42,325
- I need a release.
- Look, I understand.
264
00:09:42,327 --> 00:09:44,193
Just... just try to find
a nice, quiet bathroom
265
00:09:44,195 --> 00:09:46,095
and go beat off...
you'll feel much better.
266
00:09:46,097 --> 00:09:47,364
Just make sure you clean up
afterwards
267
00:09:47,366 --> 00:09:48,898
and wash your hands, all right?
268
00:09:48,900 --> 00:09:50,500
Yeah, but now
that I got my dick wet,
269
00:09:50,502 --> 00:09:52,401
beating off just seems
kind of lame, you know?
270
00:09:52,403 --> 00:09:54,170
Yes, I get that.
271
00:09:54,172 --> 00:09:56,372
But masturbation is still gonna
be a huge part of your life.
272
00:09:56,374 --> 00:09:58,307
Even though you got laid,
girls aren't just gonna
273
00:09:58,309 --> 00:10:00,342
automatically
start hurling themselves at you.
274
00:10:00,344 --> 00:10:02,344
I should've just stayed
a fucking virgin.
275
00:10:02,346 --> 00:10:04,147
It would've been a lot better
not having a glimpse
276
00:10:04,149 --> 00:10:06,682
- of the promised land.
- Good talk.
277
00:10:11,655 --> 00:10:13,422
Ah.
278
00:10:13,424 --> 00:10:15,824
Are you sure you should be...
drinking?
279
00:10:15,826 --> 00:10:17,859
I'm not allergic
to vodka, asshole.
280
00:10:17,861 --> 00:10:20,162
Sorry.
Who would know?
281
00:10:20,164 --> 00:10:22,030
You know what I am allergic to?
282
00:10:22,032 --> 00:10:24,666
- Semen.
- Oh, really?
283
00:10:24,668 --> 00:10:26,134
Yeah, can't spit or swallow.
284
00:10:26,136 --> 00:10:27,669
Totally burns the back
of my throat.
285
00:10:27,671 --> 00:10:29,237
One time I took one up top.
286
00:10:29,239 --> 00:10:31,973
Fucking broke out in hives
and blotches.
287
00:10:31,975 --> 00:10:34,642
Blowing a load on me
is like throwing holy water
288
00:10:34,644 --> 00:10:35,977
on Linda Blair.
289
00:10:35,979 --> 00:10:38,646
[Both laughing]
290
00:10:38,648 --> 00:10:40,081
What up?
291
00:10:40,083 --> 00:10:42,483
I'm so fucking pissed
at Rath right now.
292
00:10:42,485 --> 00:10:43,918
Oh, why?
293
00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:46,053
He let Hashtag call me
a bitch today.
294
00:10:46,055 --> 00:10:47,955
That doesn't really seem
like Rath's style.
295
00:10:47,957 --> 00:10:49,724
Why would you take his side?
296
00:10:49,726 --> 00:10:53,127
I'm not taking his side.
Goldie, cooler heads, hmm?
297
00:10:53,129 --> 00:10:54,329
Cooler heads.
298
00:10:54,331 --> 00:10:55,763
First, he rewrites me,
299
00:10:55,765 --> 00:10:57,597
then he humiliates me
in front of Hashtag.
300
00:10:57,599 --> 00:10:59,967
I mean, he... he's trying
to send me a message, Charlie.
301
00:10:59,969 --> 00:11:01,936
He's out to get me.
302
00:11:01,938 --> 00:11:04,305
This is all part of his plan,
that slimy motherfucker...
303
00:11:04,307 --> 00:11:06,606
woman-hating dickhead.
304
00:11:06,608 --> 00:11:10,144
- Goldie. There she is.
- Rath, hi.
305
00:11:10,146 --> 00:11:11,611
- You good?
- Great.
306
00:11:11,613 --> 00:11:12,913
Good, I made sure they had
307
00:11:12,915 --> 00:11:14,214
some of that gluten-free shit
for you.
308
00:11:14,216 --> 00:11:16,082
- There you go.
- You're the best.
309
00:11:16,084 --> 00:11:18,385
What a great home...
beautiful.
310
00:11:18,387 --> 00:11:21,621
Work hard,
you'll get there, right?
311
00:11:21,623 --> 00:11:23,623
Hey, I hope
you're not using my party
312
00:11:23,625 --> 00:11:25,158
as an opportunity
to poach clients, huh?
313
00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:26,793
Never.
314
00:11:26,795 --> 00:11:28,261
As if anyone
would ever want to sign
315
00:11:28,263 --> 00:11:31,364
with this fucking
degenerate lunatic, right?
316
00:11:31,366 --> 00:11:34,400
Have fun.
317
00:11:39,206 --> 00:11:40,806
I can't tell you much,
318
00:11:40,808 --> 00:11:43,442
but I can tell you
that we're planning
319
00:11:43,444 --> 00:11:46,045
on putting you
in some seriously hot outfits.
320
00:11:46,047 --> 00:11:47,446
Truth.
321
00:11:47,448 --> 00:11:49,114
Shut the fuck up, Hugh.
322
00:11:49,116 --> 00:11:50,949
You're creeping out
the female lead of the show.
323
00:11:50,951 --> 00:11:52,451
Don't worry about it...
he has absolutely
324
00:11:52,453 --> 00:11:54,152
no decision-making power.
325
00:11:54,154 --> 00:11:56,054
And he loves cupcakes
and Coldplay
326
00:11:56,056 --> 00:11:57,623
and sticking pencils
up his pooper.
327
00:11:57,625 --> 00:11:59,525
Who doesn't love Coldplay?
328
00:11:59,527 --> 00:12:02,027
- And you are?
- Hank Moody... newbie writer.
329
00:12:02,029 --> 00:12:05,663
Be gentle with me.
330
00:12:05,665 --> 00:12:07,699
You're the one
who wrote the movie, right?
331
00:12:07,701 --> 00:12:09,467
I am one of 19 people
who wrote the movie
332
00:12:09,469 --> 00:12:11,003
that never came out, yeah.
333
00:12:11,005 --> 00:12:12,670
And you wrote
Fucking & Punching?
334
00:12:12,672 --> 00:12:14,839
I am only one of six people
who wrote that,
335
00:12:14,841 --> 00:12:16,674
which is why it's so damn good.
336
00:12:16,676 --> 00:12:18,676
It is good.
God, I love that movie.
337
00:12:18,678 --> 00:12:21,178
Aw, shucks.
Thank you.
338
00:12:21,180 --> 00:12:23,381
[Chuckles]
Can I be honest with you?
339
00:12:23,383 --> 00:12:25,450
If you must.
340
00:12:25,452 --> 00:12:27,452
I don't like the way Rath
is writing my character.
341
00:12:27,454 --> 00:12:29,987
You should probably bring
that up with Rath, then.
342
00:12:29,989 --> 00:12:32,490
I did, and he blew me off.
343
00:12:32,492 --> 00:12:34,125
Can we talk about it
for a minute?
344
00:12:34,127 --> 00:12:37,161
You mean, like, right now?
345
00:12:37,163 --> 00:12:39,096
I'll make it worth your while.
346
00:12:39,098 --> 00:12:41,698
- Ow.
- [Chuckles]
347
00:12:44,869 --> 00:12:48,005
Hey.
Hey, there, Runkle.
348
00:12:48,007 --> 00:12:50,541
How... how you doing?
How's married life?
349
00:12:50,543 --> 00:12:52,609
Oh, it's, you know,
ups and downs, Stu.
350
00:12:52,611 --> 00:12:55,211
Checks and bal... all good
in the proverbial hood, yeah.
351
00:12:55,213 --> 00:12:57,347
Yeah, wait, wait.
You know, there's something
352
00:12:57,349 --> 00:12:58,782
I've been meaning
to talk to you about.
353
00:12:58,784 --> 00:13:00,451
Oh, yeah?
What's that, Stu?
354
00:13:00,453 --> 00:13:04,087
I want to sleep
with Marcy again.
355
00:13:04,089 --> 00:13:07,558
Stu...
356
00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:09,592
what is wrong with you?
357
00:13:09,594 --> 00:13:11,894
I don't know.
358
00:13:11,896 --> 00:13:14,431
I mean, my career is on fire.
359
00:13:14,433 --> 00:13:17,267
This television thing has me
shitting cash.
360
00:13:17,269 --> 00:13:22,105
But, uh, without a queen,
my castle is a-crumblin'.
361
00:13:22,107 --> 00:13:23,673
Look, look, look, look, look,
362
00:13:23,675 --> 00:13:26,342
I know you won her
fair and square,
363
00:13:26,344 --> 00:13:29,679
but I can't stop thinking
about that magnificent creature.
364
00:13:29,681 --> 00:13:33,048
You gotta move on, Stu,
'cause we are married, okay?
365
00:13:33,050 --> 00:13:34,183
Again.
366
00:13:34,185 --> 00:13:36,853
I know that.
I respect that.
367
00:13:36,855 --> 00:13:38,554
- Mm.
- You know...
368
00:13:38,556 --> 00:13:40,756
Marcy may very well be
your soul mate,
369
00:13:40,758 --> 00:13:44,293
but that woman was born
to be my sex partner.
370
00:13:44,295 --> 00:13:46,996
And I just miss her so much...
371
00:13:46,998 --> 00:13:49,598
so much.
372
00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:51,766
Like, this last time,
373
00:13:51,768 --> 00:13:53,402
she let me go down on her,
374
00:13:53,404 --> 00:13:55,170
and I wasn't able to get
my helmet
375
00:13:55,172 --> 00:13:57,339
into that silky pond of hers.
376
00:13:57,341 --> 00:14:00,008
You know,
she's so fucking tight, Charlie!
377
00:14:00,010 --> 00:14:02,243
I mean, she makes me feel huge.
378
00:14:02,245 --> 00:14:05,346
- And I'm already huge.
- I'm well aware, Stu.
379
00:14:05,348 --> 00:14:07,181
Now, when was this
380
00:14:07,183 --> 00:14:09,584
that she let you go
down on her again?
381
00:14:09,586 --> 00:14:13,922
It was way before you two
were remarried, of course.
382
00:14:13,924 --> 00:14:17,958
It was a sunny day in Venice...
383
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:20,395
Tuesday...
384
00:14:20,397 --> 00:14:23,064
quite possibly
my last happy day.
385
00:14:23,066 --> 00:14:27,068
Oh, God, you guys must be boning
every chance you can.
386
00:14:27,070 --> 00:14:28,602
You're fucking newlyweds.
387
00:14:28,604 --> 00:14:31,172
What is the point
of this conversation, Stu?
388
00:14:31,174 --> 00:14:34,074
You miss fucking Marcy.
Okay, I get it. So what?
389
00:14:34,076 --> 00:14:36,810
Runkle, I...
390
00:14:36,812 --> 00:14:39,279
have a proposal for you.
391
00:14:39,281 --> 00:14:42,983
And, yes, it is quite indecent.
392
00:14:42,985 --> 00:14:46,820
With your permission,
and hers, of course,
393
00:14:46,822 --> 00:14:51,158
I am willing to pay you guys
a cool $1 million
394
00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:54,627
if you will let me sleep
with her again...
395
00:14:54,629 --> 00:14:56,863
just the once,
396
00:14:56,865 --> 00:15:00,300
for as many times
as we can fit into a night.
397
00:15:00,302 --> 00:15:02,802
Think about it.
398
00:15:05,739 --> 00:15:09,576
? Suspicious
399
00:15:09,578 --> 00:15:11,911
? I'm suspicious ?
400
00:15:11,913 --> 00:15:13,980
You totally made this
worth my while.
401
00:15:13,982 --> 00:15:15,481
I told you I would.
402
00:15:15,483 --> 00:15:17,383
Your notes are fucking bullshit,
403
00:15:17,385 --> 00:15:19,318
but your weed is superb.
404
00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:22,121
- You're funny.
- I am funny...
405
00:15:22,123 --> 00:15:25,391
I mean, not like comedian funny,
but I-I'm witty.
406
00:15:25,393 --> 00:15:27,293
I-I guess that's my thing.
407
00:15:27,295 --> 00:15:30,129
Witty is good, you know.
Nobody's really witty anymore.
408
00:15:30,131 --> 00:15:33,299
That's right. Like... like
Woody Allen or Pauly Shore.
409
00:15:33,301 --> 00:15:35,634
It's a lost art, really.
410
00:15:35,636 --> 00:15:38,470
So what brings a real writer
to Santa Monica Cop?
411
00:15:38,472 --> 00:15:41,073
It was time to grow the fuck up.
412
00:15:41,075 --> 00:15:44,109
- I needed a job.
- Look at you, all growed up.
413
00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:47,813
What is a serious actress
doing on Santa Monica Cop?
414
00:15:47,815 --> 00:15:51,116
I needed a job too, but I'm
not so keen on growing up.
415
00:15:51,118 --> 00:15:52,550
[Imitates house music]
416
00:15:52,552 --> 00:15:55,253
- [Laughs]
- Excuse me.
417
00:15:55,255 --> 00:15:56,854
I need to make a confession.
418
00:15:56,856 --> 00:15:58,456
You're thinking
impure thoughts right now.
419
00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:00,725
That's totally understandable.
420
00:16:00,727 --> 00:16:03,261
No.
Um, I hate this show.
421
00:16:03,263 --> 00:16:05,363
That's also
totally understandable.
422
00:16:05,365 --> 00:16:06,731
I had the option
of taking this show
423
00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:09,200
or some class-up-the-ass
BBC thing,
424
00:16:09,202 --> 00:16:11,068
and my agent talked me
into taking this one.
425
00:16:11,070 --> 00:16:13,203
- That's a bummer.
- Yeah.
426
00:16:13,205 --> 00:16:16,440
A big bummer.
Can you do me a favor?
427
00:16:16,442 --> 00:16:19,644
Can you please talk to Rath,
see if maybe he can kill me off?
428
00:16:19,646 --> 00:16:21,278
- [Groans]
- I promise...
429
00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:23,914
I'll make it worth your while.
430
00:16:23,916 --> 00:16:27,051
My head is spinning
with the possibilities.
431
00:16:27,053 --> 00:16:29,853
As it should,
but in the meantime,
432
00:16:29,855 --> 00:16:31,688
I have
another little confession.
433
00:16:31,690 --> 00:16:33,089
You have three tits and a dick.
434
00:16:33,091 --> 00:16:34,724
[Laughs]
435
00:16:34,726 --> 00:16:36,293
- [Snaps fingers]
- Almost.
436
00:16:36,295 --> 00:16:38,595
One of my very best friends
in the whole wide world
437
00:16:38,597 --> 00:16:40,930
- is Sasha Bingham.
- I know Sasha Bingham.
438
00:16:40,932 --> 00:16:42,699
I know you know Sasha Bingham.
439
00:16:42,701 --> 00:16:45,268
Sasha Bingham is the star
of Fucking & Punching.
440
00:16:45,270 --> 00:16:47,637
- She was, indeed.
- We had some good times...
441
00:16:47,639 --> 00:16:50,506
except for the time when
I accidentally fucked her mom.
442
00:16:50,508 --> 00:16:52,676
- That was unfortunate.
- She told me about that.
443
00:16:52,678 --> 00:16:55,945
She also said
you give really great head.
444
00:16:55,947 --> 00:16:57,613
- She did?
- Mm-hmm.
445
00:16:57,615 --> 00:17:00,283
- That is so sweet of her.
- I know. She's sweet.
446
00:17:00,285 --> 00:17:02,751
That is just a very nice thing
to say about a person.
447
00:17:02,753 --> 00:17:04,086
Will you give her my best?
448
00:17:04,088 --> 00:17:05,988
Absolutely.
449
00:17:05,990 --> 00:17:09,292
Speaking of which, what do you
think defines great head?
450
00:17:09,294 --> 00:17:12,428
Oh, well, I-I guess you'd have
to ask the head-getter.
451
00:17:12,430 --> 00:17:14,530
Well, I mean,
I've had good head,
452
00:17:14,532 --> 00:17:16,799
but I don't know
what makes it great.
453
00:17:16,801 --> 00:17:20,703
I think you have to treat
the "bagina" like a person.
454
00:17:20,705 --> 00:17:22,971
And... and how do you treat
a person?
455
00:17:22,973 --> 00:17:25,440
Like you yourself
would want to be treated.
456
00:17:25,442 --> 00:17:26,942
I understand what you're saying.
457
00:17:26,944 --> 00:17:29,477
It just sounds so intellectual.
458
00:17:29,479 --> 00:17:32,114
After all, isn't it important
for a writer to show
459
00:17:32,116 --> 00:17:34,449
and not to tell?
460
00:17:34,451 --> 00:17:37,619
Oh, my.
Oh, dear.
461
00:17:37,621 --> 00:17:40,355
You do make a valid point.
462
00:17:40,357 --> 00:17:41,756
[Giggles]
463
00:17:41,758 --> 00:17:44,659
Permission to come aboard?
464
00:17:44,661 --> 00:17:46,728
Permission granted.
465
00:17:46,730 --> 00:17:49,431
[Laughs]
466
00:17:54,069 --> 00:17:55,837
[Moans]
467
00:17:55,839 --> 00:17:57,338
You're a very pleasant
actress, very agreeable.
468
00:17:57,340 --> 00:17:59,573
- Oh. [Clears throat]
- Hmm? I can do better.
469
00:17:59,575 --> 00:18:02,110
Oh, hello.
470
00:18:02,112 --> 00:18:03,510
- Hi.
- Hello.
471
00:18:03,512 --> 00:18:04,779
Sorry.
472
00:18:04,781 --> 00:18:07,281
Hi.
No, no.
473
00:18:07,283 --> 00:18:08,815
- Hello.
- Hi.
474
00:18:08,817 --> 00:18:10,851
Amy Taylor Walsh.
It is lovely to meet you.
475
00:18:10,853 --> 00:18:12,652
I believe we're gonna be
working together.
476
00:18:12,654 --> 00:18:14,721
Nice to meet you.
I'm a huge fan.
477
00:18:14,723 --> 00:18:17,223
- Great.
- Me too. I'm a huge fan.
478
00:18:17,225 --> 00:18:20,760
[Clears throat]
479
00:18:20,762 --> 00:18:22,995
Yeah.
Um, sorry about that.
480
00:18:22,997 --> 00:18:24,864
It's none of my beeswax.
481
00:18:24,866 --> 00:18:26,733
Hmm.
What's going on?
482
00:18:26,735 --> 00:18:29,501
Um, well, Hashtag asked me
to go for a ride in his Bentley.
483
00:18:29,503 --> 00:18:31,503
That's probably not a good idea.
484
00:18:31,505 --> 00:18:33,239
What, like going down
on the female lead of the show?
485
00:18:33,241 --> 00:18:34,573
Much like that.
486
00:18:34,575 --> 00:18:36,375
You should probably keep
the flirtation
487
00:18:36,377 --> 00:18:38,110
- with Hashtag to a minimum.
- I'm not flirting with him.
488
00:18:38,112 --> 00:18:39,879
He's just really fucking funny.
489
00:18:39,881 --> 00:18:42,047
He is fucking funny,
and Rath is fucking jealous.
490
00:18:42,049 --> 00:18:43,983
God, so much fuss
over an actress
491
00:18:43,985 --> 00:18:45,917
who hasn't worked in 20 years...
it's so fun.
492
00:18:45,919 --> 00:18:48,219
What can I say? You get
the boys all hot and bothered.
493
00:18:48,221 --> 00:18:50,088
Well, it's not like
I'm some comm <.Ha*g'
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