Killing bad guys is my business,
and business be fucking crackin'.
Ha ha.
Especially when I'm killing crackheads,
- you know what I'm saying? - Yeah.
So don't y'all worry about the funny.
That's my job. I bring the fucking funny.
Here's what's not my job...
delivering all your expositional shit.
Save that yickity-yack for the guest stars, all right?
Now, Danko's cool. He's cool.
Only time that nigga open his mouth, he got something to say,
and that shit better be worth saying, all right?
None of that nonsensical cop jargon y'all motherfuckers
always be writing.
"Watch out! Get down! Damn!
Whoo! Now, that's how you drive!"
I can say a whole lot with a look.
Peep.
- Mm. - Wow.
- Yeah. - I don't know about you guys,
but I think I just shit my pants.
[Laughter]
That's not the "shit my pants" look.
Oh, no?
This is the "shit my pants" look.
Slow-mo.
- Mm. - Oh, wow.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
[Indistinct chatter]
Y'all peep? Y'all feel that?
- Whoo! - Oh, yeah.
Oh, I feel it.
It's like an electromagnetic pulsing in my asshole area.
[Laughter]
Yo, who's this cat?
Hashtag Black, allow me to introduce our newest writer,
- Hank Moody. - Oh, Hank Moody, the raper.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yep. The one and the same.
I'm a big fan of all your wrongdoings.
- Thank you. - Well, you used to work
side by side with samurai, huh?
He was just "Sam" to me... Calvin, actually.
Yeah, he said you was a cool dude.
He also said you like sticking your pee-pee
where it don't belong.
Well, I like to think that doesn't define me
as a human being.
I also like to think that my pee-pee belongs
wherever it winds up.
Oh, yeah.
You gonna be my guy, Moody.
You gonna be my set bitch.
- Oh, no. - You cool with that, Rath?
Absolutely. Hashtag, whatever you want.
I'm not a big fan of the set, per se.
I-I find the hours to be quite punishing.
Has anybody given thought to maybe starting later
or shorter hours, perhaps?
What the fuck is he going on about?
- Fuck if I know. - Excuse me, Hashtag,
- I'd love to pitch you an idea... - Ahh! Yo, yo, yo.
Pitches hurt my ears, especially pitches from bitches.
No offense... y'all got the tendency
of using too many words, you know what I mean?
Why use one word when you can use ten, right?
Yeah. [Laughs] That's funny.
- Actually, I can be quite brief. - Goldie!
The man doesn't want to hear your pitch right now.
Yo, peace, writer peoples.
Let me walk you out, Hashtag.
- Love you. Love you. - Hashtag.
Kickoff party tonight at my place... be there.
Behave yourselves, don't break anything,
and no fucking in my pool...
Terry. [Laughter]
Hey, does anybody else want to be set bitch?
- Set... set bitches? Set bitch? - No.
Set bitch? Terry, I'll arm-wrestle you for it.
- Come on. - No.
[Upbeat music]
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
re-sync'd for DAA release by Cookie Monsta
Holy TV money, Batman.
Yeah, look at that... the house that utter mediocrity built.
It's inspiring, Hank.
I've never felt more determined to sign TV-writer clients.
Do not shit where I eat, Charlie... it's unsanitary.
Oh, greetings and salutations, 24-hour party people.
Mom, th... this is the guy I was telling you about,
the one who came in his pants.
Nice to meet you. Charlie Runkle.
- Nice to meet you. - I'm Hank's manager
and heterosexual life mate.
Nice to meet you.
You must be the lovely Julia.
Number one on the baby mama call sheet.
Levon says great things about you.
Not really, like, at all, ever.
So, dad, what do you think? We gonna see some big tits
and round asses up in here tonight?
Honey, I'm not afraid to pull your pants down
and spank your bare ass
in a room full of strangers, you know?
I know you're not, mom. I'm sorry.
All right, go inside and behave yourself.
- Okay. - I'm gonna talk to your dad.
Come on, kid, let's check out the talent.
You're not gonna walk in there pitching a tent, are you?
- Behave. - Okay.
What's up?
Do you notice anything weird about Levon?
How could you possibly tell?
He seems different... more relaxed, confident.
- That's a bad thing? - No, it's great.
I just... I'm not used to it.
Well, maybe having a job
has done wonders for the young man's psyche.
Or maybe knowing his dad, who's actually proving to be
something of a positive role model.
I-I don't think that could be it, do you?
[Laughs]
Wow. Nice house.
Yeah. One day, all this could be yours.
Mrs. Julia Rath... has a nice ring to it.
Oh, it's just one date.
Hope he wasn't too "handsy."
No, he was a perfect gentleman.
Actually, too perfect, you know?
'Cause sometimes you just want a guy to, like... [Grunts]
What? What? You want a guy to what?
My schween is hanging on your every word.
There's a potential erection hanging in the balance here.
What? Nothing.
I haven't been to a party in so long,
I don't even know what to do.
Well, it's like riding a bike. You just have a drink or ten
and then hope you don't wake up with a tattoo
or a bloody asshole or both.
- Shall we? - [Laughs]
[Electronic music]
[Indistinct chatter]
- Get me a refill. - Oh.
I like when you order me around.
I'm... I'm serious. I do.
- Stu, Nikki, how's it hanging? - Hank, how are you?
- Hey, buddy. - How's the kid?
Still basking in the afterglow.
Uh, you two guys know each other?
She relieved my son of his virginity.
World class, dude.
I wish my pops would've popped my cherry like that.
Instead, he sat me down and gave me a copy of Playboy
and told me both men and women had nipples.
[Groans] Can... can we keep the whole
levon/hooker thing on the D.L.?
His mom is here, and she doesn't know anything about it.
Oh, I am nothing if not discreet.
Oh, now, that is true. She is amazing.
She lets me do the kinkiest stuff to her,
and she never tells a soul.
Aw, you are so cute. [Laughs]
Sounds like a keeper.
Yeah, and she looks like Marcy, right?
- Yo, Moody. - Hey, Hashtag.
- How you be, bro? - I be good.
- Hashtag. - Big Dick Beggs!
Hashtag. [Both grunting]
Yo, they say he got a big dick, though, right?
- Yeah. - He's crazy.
Yo, Stu, I got to talk to Moody over here.
- Whatever. - Ah.
[Indistinct chatter]
Yo, Moody, I got to level with you, man.
Rath is fucking my shit up.
All right, that's probably something
you should bring up with Rath.
Motherfucker's too stubborn to hear my words.
He's all about the drama. I'm all about the fucking funny.
He wants to do The Wire.
I'm trying to do 48 Hours for a new generation, you hear me?
- Mm-hmm. - All right, look.
I need you to help me out like you helped Samurai out.
We can do a modern-day action-comedy,
emphasis on the comedy.
I'm not really in a position to do that, Hashtag.
And I'm... I'm not that funny.
Yeah, but you's fucking witty, right?
- And I'm fucking funny. - You are fucking funny.
Together we can... Damn, who's that piece of ass?
That? That would be Julia.
She's got a small part on the show as a squad secretary.
You're gonna be doing some scenes with her.
Oh, I'm doing scenes with her, all right.
I'm doing scenes with her right now up in here.
Ah, she's also the mother of my son.
- Oh! Oh, oh, okay. - Mm-hmm.
- You're not together? - No, not currently.
Mm. So you ain't crushing that ass?
Not... not... not at the present... like, 20 years ago,
and even then, I-I wasn't so much crushing it
as admiring it.
I don't like to be too rough with the ass.
Oh, I like to destroy that shit.
Mm. I want to murder that ass.
I understand what you're saying, Hashtag,
but your language is so aggressive.
You see, if... if you murder the ass,
then there's no ass left to enjoy.
Well, see, that's where you're wrong, Moody.
You know, you gotta murder that ass
so no other motherfucker can enjoy that ass, right?
No.
It's like a metaphorical murder.
- Oh, I... - Yeah, you feel me?
- I do feel you. I feel you. - Cool.
- You see that? - Yeah.
I'ma go see if I can turn this bitch out.
I'ma catch you later.
Think about my words... hashtag words.
Mm-hmm. Thought about 'em. Thought about 'em.
What the fuck was that about?
It seems your number one
is warm for your number 16's form.
And he doesn't like the way you're writing him.
So it's not enough that I have to fight with this motherfucker
over expository dialogue, now he feels entitled to my woman?
Oh, she's your woman now?
Come on, cut me some slack, all right?
I'm a little heated up. She say anything about me?
Well, she said you were the perfect gentleman.
- Good, good. - Yeah.
I'm trying, you know? Usually I'm a fucking asshole.
Yeah.
Trying to take it easy with her.
Right. But sometimes, you know, you got to...
What?
Well, you know, sometimes you got to...
- sometimes you got to what? - You know.
Shit, here comes Shrek.
That's my son you're talking about... Shrek.
I'm sorry, all right? I'm all worked up.
I got to head this shit off at the pass.
All right.
- Guess what. - Wait.
You were born a pauper to a pawn on a Christmas day,
when The New York Times said
God is dead, and the war's begun.
Shut up. Come on, I hate that.
- Nikki's here. - I know. She's with Stu Beggs.
Can I borrow some money?
Oh, so Levon does like his money. Why?
- I want to bone her again. - She's with Stu.
So what? She can't spare a few minutes
- for some repeat business? - Your mom is here.
So? There's a ton of rooms in this place.
And it's very expensive.
- Okay, I'll pay you back. - No, you won't.
God damn it, I'm really pissed at you right now.
I'm a little pissed at you right now.
[Sighs] That feeling is back, you know,
- like I-I got to fuck something. - Okay.
- I need a release. - Look, I understand.
Just... just try to find a nice, quiet bathroom
and go beat off... you'll feel much better.
Just make sure you clean up afterwards
and wash your hands, all right?
Yeah, but now that I got my dick wet,
beating off just seems kind of lame, you know?
Yes, I get that.
But masturbation is still gonna be a huge part of your life.
Even though you got laid, girls aren't just gonna
automatically start hurling themselves at you.
I should've just stayed a fucking virgin.
It would've been a lot better not having a glimpse
- of the promised land. - Good talk.
Ah.
Are you sure you should be... drinking?
I'm not allergic to vodka, asshole.
Sorry. Who would know?
You know what I am allergic to?
- Semen. - Oh, really?
Yeah, can't spit or swallow.
Totally burns the back of my throat.
One time I took one up top.
Fucking broke out in hives and blotches.
Blowing a load on me is like throwing holy water
on Linda Blair.
[Both laughing]
What up?
I'm so fucking pissed at Rath right now.
Oh, why?
He let Hashtag call me a bitch today.
That doesn't really seem like Rath's style.
Why would you take his side?
I'm not taking his side. Goldie, cooler heads, hmm?
Cooler heads.
First, he rewrites me,
then he humiliates me in front of Hashtag.
I mean, he... he's trying to send me a message, Charlie.
He's out to get me.
This is all part of his plan, that slimy motherfucker...
woman-hating dickhead.
- Goldie. There she is. - Rath, hi.
- You good? - Great.
Good, I made sure they had
some of that gluten-free shit for you.
- There you go. - You're the best.
What a great home... beautiful.
Work hard, you'll get there, right?
Hey, I hope you're not using my party
as an opportunity to poach clients, huh?
Never.
As if anyone would ever want to sign
with this fucking degenerate lunatic, right?
Have fun.
I can't tell you much,
but I can tell you that we're planning
on putting you in some seriously hot outfits.
Truth.
Shut the fuck up, Hugh.
You're creeping out the female lead of the show.
Don't worry about it... he has absolutely
no decision-making power.
And he loves cupcakes and Coldplay
and sticking pencils up his pooper.
Who doesn't love Coldplay?
- And you are? - Hank Moody... newbie writer.
Be gentle with me.
You're the one who wrote the movie, right?
I am one of 19 people who wrote the movie
that never came out, yeah.
And you wrote Fucking & Punching?
I am only one of six people who wrote that,
which is why it's so damn good.
It is good. God, I love that movie.
Aw, shucks. Thank you.
[Chuckles] Can I be honest with you?
If you must.
I don't like the way Rath is writing my character.
You should probably bring that up with Rath, then.
I did, and he blew me off.
Can we talk about it for a minute?
You mean, like, right now?
I'll make it worth your while.
- Ow. - [Chuckles]
Hey. Hey, there, Runkle.
How... how you doing? How's married life?
Oh, it's, you know, ups and downs, Stu.
Checks and bal... all good in the proverbial hood, yeah.
Yeah, wait, wait. You know, there's something
I've been meaning to talk to you about.
Oh, yeah? What's that, Stu?
I want to sleep with Marcy again.
Stu...
what is wrong with you?
I don't know.
I mean, my career is on fire.
This television thing has me shitting cash.
But, uh, without a queen, my castle is a-crumblin'.
Look, look, look, look, look,
I know you won her fair and square,
but I can't stop thinking about that magnificent creature.
You gotta move on, Stu, 'cause we are married, okay?
Again.
I know that. I respect that.
- Mm. - You know...
Marcy may very well be your soul mate,
but that woman was born to be my sex partner.
And I just miss her so much...
so much.
Like, this last time,
she let me go down on her,
and I wasn't able to get my helmet
into that silky pond of hers.
You know, she's so fucking tight, Charlie!
I mean, she makes me feel huge.
- And I'm already huge. - I'm well aware, Stu.
Now, when was this
that she let you go down on her again?
It was way before you two were remarried, of course.
It was a sunny day in Venice...
Tuesday...
quite possibly my last happy day.
Oh, God, you guys must be boning every chance you can.
You're fucking newlyweds.
What is the point of this conversation, Stu?
You miss fucking Marcy. Okay, I get it. So what?
Runkle, I...
have a proposal for you.
And, yes, it is quite indecent.
With your permission, and hers, of course,
I am willing to pay you guys a cool $1 million
if you will let me sleep with her again...
just the once,
for as many times as we can fit into a night.
Think about it.
? Suspicious
? I'm suspicious ?
You totally made this worth my while.
I told you I would.
Your notes are fucking bullshit,
but your weed is superb.
- You're funny. - I am funny...
I mean, not like comedian funny, but I-I'm witty.
I-I guess that's my thing.
Witty is good, you know. Nobody's really witty anymore.
That's right. Like... like Woody Allen or Pauly Shore.
It's a lost art, really.
So what brings a real writer to Santa Monica Cop?
It was time to grow the fuck up.
- I needed a job. - Look at you, all growed up.
What is a serious actress doing on Santa Monica Cop?
I needed a job too, but I'm not so keen on growing up.
[Imitates house music]
- [Laughs] - Excuse me.
I need to make a confession.
You're thinking impure thoughts right now.
That's totally understandable.
No. Um, I hate this show.
That's also totally understandable.
I had the option of taking this show
or some class-up-the-ass BBC thing,
and my agent talked me into taking this one.
- That's a bummer. - Yeah.
A big bummer. Can you do me a favor?
Can you please talk to Rath, see if maybe he can kill me off?
- [Groans] - I promise...
I'll make it worth your while.
My head is spinning with the possibilities.
As it should, but in the meantime,
I have another little confession.
You have three tits and a dick.
[Laughs]
- [Snaps fingers] - Almost.
One of my very best friends in the whole wide world
- is Sasha Bingham. - I know Sasha Bingham.
I know you know Sasha Bingham.
Sasha Bingham is the star of Fucking & Punching.
- She was, indeed. - We had some good times...
except for the time when I accidentally fucked her mom.
- That was unfortunate. - She told me about that.
She also said you give really great head.
- She did? - Mm-hmm.
- That is so sweet of her. - I know. She's sweet.
That is just a very nice thing to say about a person.
Will you give her my best?
Absolutely.
Speaking of which, what do you think defines great head?
Oh, well, I-I guess you'd have to ask the head-getter.
Well, I mean, I've had good head,
but I don't know what makes it great.
I think you have to treat the "bagina" like a person.
And... and how do you treat a person?
Like you yourself would want to be treated.
I understand what you're saying.
It just sounds so intellectual.
After all, isn't it important for a writer to show
and not to tell?
Oh, my. Oh, dear.
You do make a valid point.
[Giggles]
Permission to come aboard?
Permission granted.
[Laughs]
[Moans]
You're a very pleasant actress, very agreeable.
- Oh. [Clears throat] - Hmm? I can do better.
Oh, hello.
- Hi. - Hello.
Sorry.
Hi. No, no.
- Hello. - Hi.
Amy Taylor Walsh. It is lovely to meet you.
I believe we're gonna be working together.
Nice to meet you. I'm a huge fan.
- Great. - Me too. I'm a huge fan.
[Clears throat]
Yeah. Um, sorry about that.
It's none of my beeswax.
Hmm. What's going on?
Um, well, Hashtag asked me to go for a ride in his Bentley.
That's probably not a good idea.
What, like going down on the female lead of the show?
Much like that.
You should probably keep the flirtation
- with Hashtag to a minimum. - I'm not flirting with him.
He's just really fucking funny.
He is fucking funny, and Rath is fucking jealous.
God, so much fuss over an actress
who hasn't worked in 20 years... it's so fun.
What can I say? You get the boys all hot and bothered.
Well, it's not like I'm some commodity.
I mean, I'm not interested in Rath or Hashtag or anyone.
I'm just really happy to have an acting job.
Mm-hmm.
And I-I don't want to complicate my life.
Like when we kissed, I really learned from that.
That's right... we kissed. I totally forgot about that.
You forgot that we kissed?
No, it was just a figure of speech.
Of course I remember. And it was very nice.
It was nice. It was a familiar surprise.
It was a perfect storm of booze and nitrous.
I was very vulnerable in that chair.
You totally took advantage of me.
You manipulated me
with all these bullshit compliments
about what a great mother I am.
It wasn't bullshit. You are a great mother.
- You're a fantastic mother. - Don't do that.
Mother Teresa's got nothing on you.
[Scoffs] That's mean.
You're probably a better kisser than she ever was, and...
but who knows? Maybe she had a rocking bod
underneath that saintly frock.
Just let me know when you want to kiss again.
- You just went down on a girl. - Mmm.
- Ew. - What if I brushed my teeth?
Come on, that's got to be a bit of a turn-on...
me offering to brush my teeth?
- Why did you go down on her? - It's a long story.
But she heard I gave good head. That's... you know...
You do give good head. I mean, I don't know.
I don't even remember. It was so long ago.
Oh, fuck.
- What? - I think I'm hard.
Is that from before or from us?
Who can tell? I can't differentiate.
I mean, I-I don't know that I'd want to.
But I think there's only one way to defuse this situation.
How?
Aah, get that pussy mouth away from me!
[Laughing]
[Squeals]
No, no!
[Laughing]
What the fuck?
I told you this motherfucker like to stick his pecker
where it don't belong.
Hey, I decide whose pecker
goes in here and whose doesn't, okay?
And you're a very charming and funny guy,
but I'm a single mom, and I'm not easily wooed,
even with a Bentley.
I got... I got a Ferrari.
And, Rick, I really enjoyed our date.
And I-I'm so grateful to you for giving me an acting job
and making my childhood dreams come true,
but if the job comes with strings attached,
then I cannot and will not do it.
No, no. No strings attached.
The job is yours, Julia.
I'll think about it.
What you waiting for, Rath? Fire his fucking ass.
You don't tell me who to hire and who to fire.
It's my fucking show.
My character is the fucking show.
And who says it's your fucking character?
Nice.
And what the fuck are you doing?
You know I like her.
I know it looked like funny business,
but it was just a tickle fight... I swear to God, honestly.
Rath, you are not gonna like this.
There's fucking in the pool.
Motherfuckers!
Nine fucking bathrooms in the fucking house,
and the asshole's got to screw in my pool, huh?
Hey, Leon, I was very clear...
no fucking in my pool.
Levon, what are you doing?
Nikki, I'm paying you very good money
to be my date tonight.
No, I know, Stu. I'm really sorry.
I just wanted to make a little extra cash.
And honestly, he said that Hank would take care of it.
So, really, this is all on you.
I told you I wasn't gonna lend you that money.
I know, but then my head got all cloudy.
God, this is how young people
get in trouble with credit cards.
She's a hooker? You're a hooker?
Yeah, pretty much.
But on the upside, I get tested,
like, all the time, so we're good.
This is so upsetting.
You lost your virginity to a hooker.
Not... not just. I mean...
- Hey, now. - I'm... don't be upset, mom.
I mean, she's really cool.
She... she's the coolest. I think I'm in love.
[Smooches] Aw.
You're in love with a hooker?
No, actually, this is pretty common.
Guys fall in love with me all the time.
We never should've moved to L.A.
Did you use a condom, honey?
- Yes. - Good.
I'm really sorry, mom... Hank was just trying to help me out.
I should've left it alone. I should've been content
having sex with her once and called it a day.
But, no, I had to fly too close to the sun.
- This isn't the first time? - Here we go.
I'm sorry. I-I can't lie to my moms.
Don't blame Hank. He thought he was doing the right thing.
And he totally was.
I've never felt better in my whole life.
I feel like a great weight has been lifted, mom.
I'm glad dad got me a hooker.
[Gasps] You got him a hooker?
The way in which you ask that makes me think
you don't think it's a very good idea.
All: Oh! - Oh, yes, okay.
Not a very good idea at all. I'm sorry, Julia.
I-I thought I was doing a good thing.
Don't worry, dad.
I-I-I'll smooth it out for you. I promise.
You happy now, Rath?
Okay, not now, Goldie, not now.
This is the fucking ship that you run.
Yes, this is the ship I run. Look at me.
I'm captain of the HMS Fucktard.
That's why I'm gonna take it out from underneath you,
- because you don't deserve it. - Be my guest.
Knock yourself out steering this ship of fools.
I will. You tell him, Charlie.
- Tell him. - Huh? Tell him what?
Tell him he's disrespected me for the last time.
Oh, oh, okay.
Rath, I think what Goldie means to say is...
Shut the fuck up now.
Shutting the fuck up now.
- You fucking pussy. - What?
What, does your suit come with tampons?
[Laughter]
Does that suit come with tampons?
See, that's funny, right? If it's funny, I laugh.
You are actually fucking funny.
- Am I actually fucking funny? - Yeah.
- Fuck you, Hashtag! All: Oh!
What the fuck is wrong with you, woman?
You think you can get away with calling me a bitch?
I didn't call you a bitch.
I have respect for all womankind.
I simply said, "I don't take pitches from bitches.
Y'all use too many words." That's it.
Oh. Oh, okay. That's a lot better.
You tell him he can't talk to me like that. Represent!
Actually, I agree with everything he says.
My own wife, Marcy, when she talks at me,
the sheer volume of words... it makes my ears bleed.
Oh, this bald motherfucker knows of which he speaks.
That's right. Thank you very much.
All right. Oh, one of those too. I like that one.
- Excuse me. - What?
You're fucking fired!
And you're fucking batshit crazy, Goldie.
- [Growls] All: Oh!
Oh, hey! Be nice to my agent.
Yo, Rath, where the fuck you find these writers, man?
You just pull outside of a Home Depot and say,
"Hop the fuck in"?
These are some seriously tweaked motherfuckers.
All: Oh! - [Coughing and retching]
- Shit, shit. - Goldie.
[Groans]
Riddle me this, Runks.
How can I be in the doghouse
with a woman I'm not even dating,
and why do I care so fucking much?
Do you think you still have a job?
I don't know.
You think Goldie still has a job?
My guess would be "Fuck, no."
- What's wrong, pickle lips? - [Crying] I'm broke, Hank.
You mean like broke broke?
Like totally and utterly broke.
Like "I don't know how I'm gonna pay the rent next month" broke.
Like... like... like the kind of broke that forces a man
to do something desperate.
I'm not gonna give you 20%, Charlie.
My next paycheck has to go to supporting
my son's new hooker habit.
[Sobbing]
We're so fucking fucked.
Yes, we are fucking fucked, but we've been fucked before...
[Engine turning]
In the ass, legs pinned behind our ears,
not a drop of lube.
But we always come out smiling. You know why?
'Cause that's just the kind of happy-go-lucky sluts we are,
my man.
? These are the days of miracle and wonder ?
? This is the long-distance call ?
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
? the way we look to us all
? the way we look to a distant constellation ?
? That's dying in a corner of the sky ?
? These are the days of miracle and wonder ?
? Don't cry, baby, don't cry ?
? Don't cry, don't cry ?
?
Re-sync'd for DAA release by Cookie Monsta