Horatio.
Emma. What are you doing here?
I couldn't bear to let you go without saying goodbye.
You shouldn't have come, Emma. People will talk.
Let them talk. I'm tired of hiding our love away.
- I'm not ashamed of how I feel. - Neither am I.
But we both know we shouldn't be together.
- Shouldn't? Who says we shouldn't? - My conscience.
My conscience tells me everything I feel for you is wrong.
But my heart, my heart says...
I can't live without you.
- Promise me you'll return. - I promise.
Because if Napoleon doesn't kill me,
then being away from you surely will.
Cut! Yeah, brilliant, thank you.
- Could you see me? - Yeah, definitely.
Excellent. We'll get out before that fat little extra gets his face in.
Okay.
DIRECTOR: Rest the guys for 10 minutes.
That's correct. Yeah, great.
We're moving on to 37.
Hey. Who are we using for the girl by the carriage?
We thought this one.
No, I said I needed some decent tits and they're... rubbish.
Well, I could maybe pad them up a bit. Or just sort of, like, push them...
- You could use these. - Bingo.
Bingo these in half an hour after I've had a wee fiddle with them.
- I just need to squeeze them. - Well, work on them over lunch, yeah?
Because at the moment they're just, urgh, nothing.
- Okay. - Good.
Would it be easier just to use these?
We made a decision to use mine, so can we just go with these? If I just squeeze them...
It would be less work.
You've got padding at the bottom of them. Can I get some padding?
MAGGIE: This cow's like, she's like sticking her tits in his face
and I'm saying, "He said he wanted to use my tits. Can we just go with my tits, please?"
I think Meryl Streep went through a similar thing.
- I know it's not important but... - It is important.
I remember Laurence Olivier having a rant in Richard III
because they wanted to use stunt testicles and he said,
"Listen, these gonads are going to be seen because they went to RADA.
"You either use the Lord Olivier plums or nothing at all."
Next.
Ahh... And what do you recommend, my good man?
- Chicken's the warmest. - Is it? I'll have that, then.
Chicken.
Your heart's not in this, is it?
Although one of your pubes is, I see.
- Straight in there like that, no messing. - It's not a pube, it's a dog hair.
It's all right, it's not a pube, it's a dog hair, everyone.
I thought it was a pube. It's not, it's just a dog hair.
If you do get a hair in there, he just gets it out with his big sausage fingers.
- I don't know why I do this. - What?
All this. "Oh, we'll cut before the fat bloke gets his face in shot."
It's just absolutely demeaning. I don't know why I put myself through it.
- Because you're an actor. - This isn't acting.
Getting the back of your head or your arm in a shot.
And bloody Ross Kemp in every scene, he gets all the lines.
Do you know what I mean? Why is he the star and not me?
There but for the grace of God go I. And it's just... What?
- It's not quite. - Well, it is.
It's not just luck, is it?
- Why not? We're about the same age... - No, he's younger than you.
- No, he's not. We're about the same age. - Is he?
- Yeah. - He looks a lot younger than you.
You're having a laugh. He hasn't got any hair.
He's meant to look like that. He's shaved it all off.
It's like cool, it's like Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel? Sorry, are we looking at the same bloke?
Have another look, right. Look at him there. He looks more like Zippy from Rainbow.
(MIMICKING ZIPPY) Hello!
Bungle, what are you doing in the Queen Vic, Bungle?
Phil, why did you sleep with my wife? Look, look.
Vin Diesel hasn't got a perfectly round little head
that opens and shuts like Pac-Man, look at it.
- He's got less chins than you as well. - One chin, one chin each.
- Yeah, but yours is growing another one. - Shut up.
In five years' time, he's still going to look pretty rugged
- and you're just going to look like a pelican. - A pelican? Good, nice one.
- What you looking at? - Nothing.
Well, obviously him.
- Husband material? - Could be.
- What are you basing it on this time? - Don't know but look at him.
He's all dashing and handsome in his green.
Why do men not dress like that nowadays?
Because they'd get beaten up on the Tube.
- All right? - All right, Greg.
- Indeed I am. - Good.
I'm actually working across the way, Studio H, the big one.
Doing a film with Mr Vinnie Jones.
So, actually, just learning a few lines I've got to do with him later.
- Lines? - Yes, indeed.
Well done.
So what's your part in this epic, then?
The fourth seaman from the left or...
Hardly.
You got something a bit more... Bit meatier, bit more substantial.
You got a speaking part or a... No?
Not in this one, no.
- Seriously, how do you survive? - Don't worry about it, really.
- Digging into the savings? - Not really.
The pile diminishes, does it? Gotta get some work soon.
- Gotta get some work soon. - Working all the time, mate.
- Don't worry about it. - Sort of.
Are your parents still sending you money?
Well, yeah. Either that or I, you know, threaten to sign on.
And lo! The cheque doth cometh in the post.
- It keeps the wolf from the door. - Good.
How is the door of the house your parents bought you, is that all right?
- Yes, it's fine. - Good.
- Look, I've got lines to learn. - Thanks for coming over and sharing that.
- Seriously, mate, something will crop up. - Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it, mate. Worry about yourself.
- Stiff upper lip. - Yes.
- And other clichés too numerous to mention. - Don't mention them then.
- See you later, mate. - Cheers, mate.
Tosser. Not you.
Excuse me. Do you mind if I go in front of you, please?
- What? - Can I go before you?
- Why? - I've got a little bit of a stomach upset.
Oh, okay.
- Hello. - Hi.
I think she wants to go in front of you, she's got diarrhoea.
Don't want it exploding everywhere. Messy.
Thank you.
Saw you looking.
Thought I'd better get it out of the way.
Yeah, it is me.
Hi, I'm Andy.
- How you doing? - Oh!
- Sorry, did that hurt? - No...
Good. I was worried I might have hurt you. Don't know my own strength sometimes.
If I had meant to hurt you, you wouldn't have any ribs left so you got off lightly.
- Let's leave it there. - Okay.
You know, I love playing military parts.
Well, as you know, I was in the SAS.
No. I knew you did that TV show about the SAS.
Yeah, but how did I know how to do all that shit in it?
I assumed you had consultants and stuff.
If that's what you believe, then that's what you believe.
All right, I wasn't in the SAS for six months and they didn't say,
"Ross, why don't you give up this acting lark?
"We could really do with you in Afghanistan."
- Did they? - Couldn't say.
All I know is, if I do get into a fight, I'd better have an escape route
because I don't want to go to prison for murder, because that's what it would be.
Because my body is a lethal weapon.
And me in prison, face like this.
Pretty boy.
I'd be in the shower just lathering up,
a couple of guys would come in wanting a bit of Kemp arse.
I'd see them in the mirror and...
What I'm saying is, you'd best not get into a fight with me.
Sure.
Or a conversation.
What do you do when you're not doing this? What's your day job?
I work in a pub.
- What about you? - I do this full time. I'm an actor.
- You do this full time? - Yeah, yeah.
Like most actors, I act full time.
Yeah, but this isn't really acting, is it? I mean, this is extra work.
Well, no, supporting artist work, innit?
But it's just, this is just pocket money. I am actually an actor.
Right. I was gonna say 'cause you can't really make a living from being an extra.
No.
No, but he used to have a proper job. He used to... He owns his own house.
Doesn't have to pay a mortgage so he can afford to live on a pittance.
I don't live on a pittance, though, do I? People pay me to act so...
- Yeah, you say you're an actor. - Yeah, I do.
- But what have you actually acted in? - I've appeared...
I mean proper acting, not walking in the background. I mean, actually speaking.
- I know. - Well?
- What, you want me to... - Yeah.
Okay.
- My Family, the Robert Lindsay sitcom. - Really?
Yeah, it was just a thing, sort of a scene on the bus
and the bus conductor come along
and, "Tickets please," and I just went, "Yeah, sure, no problem."
- Did you? - Yes.
- That was the line? - Yeah.
He comes along and goes, "Tickets please,"
and I go, "Yeah, no problem. Mate, there you go."
So if I got that episode and watched it, that's what I'd see you say,
- "Sure, no problem." - Well, yeah.
(MUMBLES) "...there you go."
Well, I didn't... What was that? What's the line?
- What's the problem? - What is the line?
The conductor wants the ticket, I'm showing him it.
And what do you say?
He asks for my ticket.
- Yeah. - And I go...
I can't hear what you're saying. No, let's do it like it is actually on the screen.
I'll be the bus driver, okay, and you just be you, all right?
Tickets please, can I see your tickets please?
I can't hear anything. No one can hear anything.
- It was years ago. - But that's not proper acting.
- What is it, then? - I can tell you what acting is.
- I can tell you what I've acted in... - Not interested.
I've acted in, and I'm talking proper speaking parts, in Emmerdale,
- Silent Witness. - Silent Witness?
- Silent Witness. - Shh!
I was a narc in The Bill, that was a recurring character,
that was three episodes and really good lines of dialogue.
You haven't even been in The Bill, have you?
- I don't want to be in The Bill. - You haven't even been in The Bill?
Listen, I don't want to be in The Bill.
- Have you ever been in Casualty? - Yeah.
- The TV show Casualty? - Well, no, but... No.
Right, this is the deal.
You've been my agent now for, what, five years?
And you're not getting me any real acting work.
- Nothing's coming in. - Nothing's coming in. In five years?
That's the problem. I'm as annoyed as you are.
But I'm not sure there's a demand for, you know, little 45-year-old blokes.
43.
Whatever. You know, I wonder, are you sure you want to be an actor?
You've given it five years, nothing's come in. Maybe it's time to just throw in the towel.
My agent, ladies and gentlemen. My agent.
- Look... Hello, mate, all right? - Sorry to interrupt.
- That's all right. Do you know Barry? - All right, Shaun. How's it going?
I'm working with a friend of yours at the moment, Ross Kemp.
- How is he? - Yeah, good.
I wouldn't mention Ross' name round here. Ross is sort of mud with Barry
because it was Ross that persuaded Barry to leave EastEnders.
Ross leaves, he goes to ITV. He says it's a million pounds or nothing.
They give him a million pound contract.
So I go with Barry and say we want a million pounds or nothing, they chose nothing.
They went with the nothing option that time, didn't they?
You were upset, weren't you? Depressed. Couldn't get out of bed for two weeks.
I was livid and looking back, what I should have done is,
I shouldn't have given them the nothing option. I should have said,
"We want a million pounds or we want £500,"
and that way we'd have definitely got something.
- £500? - Exactly, this is it.
- But live and learn, don't you? - This isn't living though, is it?
Don't start that again. I've got loads of stuff for you.
Like what?
There's a light flickering in the gents. Could you have a tinker with that?
Yeah, I could do that.
Could I use your computer later? I've just got to get the new CV knocked up.
Yeah, yeah, knock yourself out.
- Well, see you. - All right, then. Cheers, B.
Sorry, the reason I'm here is I want to know what your plan of action is.
What's your strategy? What is your business plan?
My plan is when you get some work, then I can start making some money.
Because what I'm no good at is, you know, breaking an act.
So when I'm successful, you can deduct 12 and a half percent, no problem.
15 for adverts. That's what I'm hanging on for, really.
You just want someone to call up and give me an advert.
That would be amazing, brilliant.
Right, okay. Make sure the phone's on the hook, then.
You joke about it. It was unplugged for two days. No one noticed.
The man does not know where to start, okay?
This is my CV that he's sending out to people.
I mean, casting agents, producers. He typed it himself, okay.
"From 1986 to 1999 Andy Millman worked at the Natwest in Wokingham.
"Andy left this comfortable, adequately-paid job
"to try and become an actor, despite his age, weight and looks.
"Andy claims to be a great actor but has not yet had the chance to prove it
"because, so far, he's had no offers except extra work which, as you know,
"is pointless and badly paid.
"Acting is Andy's dream. If you can make that dream come true,
"please, please call."
- I mean, it's like he's writing to Jim'll Fix It. - Oh, you have to fire him.
I can't fire him, can I? I can't bear to see his stupid little face. He'd be devastated.
- Yes, but it's your career. - I know.
What are you going to do? I mean, you'll have to find all your own work.
Yeah, having a dog and barking yourself springs to mind.
Start today, start now. Go up to the director and ask him for a line.
Ross Kemp. You've spoken to Ross Kemp, haven't you?
- Yes. - Go up to Ross Kemp and ask him for a line.
Just say to him, "I thought you were brilliant in EastEnders, Ultimate Force.
I loved you in Spandau Ballet.
- What? - Spandau Ballet.
He wasn't in Spandau Ballet. That was Martin Kemp.
Martin Kemp was in EastEnders and Spandau Ballet.
- Who's this one? - Ross Kemp.
- Are they not brothers? - No.
Martin Kemp and Gary Kemp were the brothers.
- Well, who's this one? - Ross Kemp.
- Who's his brother? - I don't know if he's got a brother.
Yes, he does. He's got that little bald one with the pink face that looks like him.
Phil Mitchell?
His on screen brother. Phil and Grant Mitchell, but they're not really brothers.
Yes, they are. They're the Mitchell brothers.
What do you mean, the Mitchell brothers? You know his name is Ross Kemp.
What bit's confusing you?
The brothers.
The brothers?
What?
Is that confusing you, too? Do you think we've landed in the future?
Shut your face.
MAGGIE: You see, this is why I can never go and speak to that guy
because I'm not smart enough for him. He's an intellectual.
How do you know he's an intellectual? You've never even spoken to him.
- Well, he reads the big papers. - Oh, the big papers, sure.
See, it's always the same, if a bloke is really smart,
I just always worry that I'm not clever enough for him.
He's going to want to talk about politics or whatever and I won't know what to say.
One time, I went out with this bloke and we were in the pub playing the quiz machine
and it was for a fiver and the question came up "Who discovered America?"
And I just panicked and I said, "Colombo."
See, you're laughing because I'm stupid.
No, it's an easy mistake to make. They sound the same.
That's what I thought.
- You should just go and talk to him. - You think?
Yeah, I don't know why you're so shy. Just go and talk to him.
The FT.
- Hi. - Oh, hi.
NASDAQ, you twat, what are you like?
- You play the markets, do you? - Oh, yeah.
How's it going? Any tips?
Buy high, buy low. Buy low, sell high.
- What you reading? - It's Frank Kermode's book on Shakespeare.
It's for my new PhD.
Shakespeare, eh? Oh! Bloody genius, him.
Midsummer Night's Dream. Bottom...
- Oh, how is your diarrhoea? - Fine, it's good.
- I'm going to get a coffee, I think. - I've got to go and call my broker anyway.
All right. I was going to ask if you wanted to get one.
Definitely. He's not there anyway, he's away on holiday.
All right.
Hiya.
They're making a film over there with Vinnie Jones.
What's he doing making a film? He's a bloody footballer.
- Look at the size of those lights. - You reckon they're big lights?
If I wanted big lights, I could have big lights.
I just don't want big lights. I want small lights if anything.
I know an old colleague of yours actually, Shaun Williamson.
- Shaun? - Barry off EastEnders.
- Oh, Barry, yeah. - Yeah.
We've got the same agent because I'm actually a real actor.
I'm just, well, not just an extra
so if there was a line going in this with just a little bit of dialogue,
it'd be great for me because, as I said, I'm a proper actor.
Yeah, I hope you're better than him. I mean, he's a bloody footballer.
He's good at what he does, isn't he? The old "hard man" thing, I suppose.
- Because he actually is in real life so... - You reckon? You think he's a tough guy?
I'd like to see him come at me with all that "I'm a hard bastard" stuff.
I'd say, "Put the baseball bat down, it's just you and me, skin on skin."
Stripped to the waist, to the death.
I'm trained. He starts with me, I will destroy him.
Okay. Well, as I say, if you could put a word in, I could just do a line.
Yeah, I'll sort that out for you, no problem. No problem.
Really?
Cheers. I'll see you later.
I tell you, if there's a hag, a washerwoman, toothless wench to be had, it'll be me.
I'm never the one that gets to wear the taffeta dress, it's not fair.
- They've padded you up. - That's actually me.
I was going to ask, I hope it doesn't seem pushy, but would you like to go for a meal?
Yeah, I'm starving.
Oh, not right now but I thought maybe later.
Yeah, no, absolutely, yeah. Oh, I'd love to.
- Good. - Okay, then.
What you doing here? Still scavenging the bins for food, are you?
No need. Bloody waiting on a scene I've got to do with Ross Kemp.
He asked me personally so... Good, though.
Yeah, well done.
- Shame it's only telly but, you know... - Not really.
It's something. I mean, keep at it, you might make it into the films.
Yeah, but what I wouldn't do is do a film with Vinnie Jones,
he's a footballer but that's all right.
You say he's a footballer but he's still been in films, hasn't he?
You know, with John Travolta and Nicolas Cage.
What did he get paid for that, by the way? Because I was talking to Ross...
You know Ross got a million pounds to go to ITV?
- Yeah. Pretend to be a hard man. - Not really.
- Unlike Vinnie. Real life hard man. - Hmm.
Yeah. On a serious note, Ross explained to me,
you know, Ross was trained by the SAS and he said if Vinnie Jones
tried his antics on with him, he'd rip him apart so you might want to warn him that.
- He said that? - Yeah.
I'm not stirring shit, just warning. I don't want to see him get hurt.
I don't care about him, but I wouldn't want to see him get hurt.
I've said my bit so...
- I've got to go. I'll see you later. - See you later, mate.
You've done so much.
Not really. I'm probably a bit older than you.
- How old are you? - 34.
Well, I'm actually older than you but thank you very much.
Well, you don't look it. I thought you were in your 20s.
You never, did you? Oh, God.
I'm not!
- Anything you fancy? - Possibly.
- I meant on the menu. - I know.
- What have you been saying? - About what?
Why am I hearing that Vinnie Jones is looking for me and he wants to batter me?
I haven't said anything.
How's he know I've been slagging him off? Who have you been speaking to?
No one. You're not scared of him, are you?
No. Not with what I could do to him.
- With your SAS stuff and that. - Yeah.
I mean, do you know what that stands for?
SAS? Special Air Service.
What?
Special Air Service, isn't it?
- It doesn't stand for that. - Doesn't it?
I've talked to actual SAS people, they've told me what it stands for.
What does it stand for, then?
Super Army Soldiers.
Su... Are you sure?
Yeah, I mean actual SAS people have told me that.
The actual guys themselves and they should know.
- They weren't winding you up? - They wouldn't do that to one of their own.
No. I thought it was Special Air Services.
Special Air Services? I mean, that sounds like FedEx or something, doesn't it?
Registered delivery or whatever. Do you think a postman needs arms like these?
Did I get these muscles lifting jiffy bags?
Definitely not.
If Vinnie Jones comes near me looking for a fight, I will unleash hell.
Okay.
- Well, that was fun. - Absolutely.
- Do you want to come in for a cup of tea? - I'd love to.
Okay.
Right, just go through.
You're sweet, you're hot chocolate.
Come on, love, you're like a dead horse. Put a bit of minge around it.
Okay.
- I head-butted a horse once. - He must have really annoyed you.
Kemp.
All right, Vinnie, how's it going?
Never mind the "All right, Vinnie, how's it going" bollocks. What you been saying?
- What are you talking about? - What's all this I've been hearing?
- Shit about you think you're harder than me. - Where have you heard this?
Some extra I've been doing a scene with said he heard it over here.
You been trying to impress the extras by telling them you're harder than me?
I haven't said anything.
You think you're well hard, don't you? Are you hard?
No.
No, you're not. And if I hear you slag me off anymore,
I'll come over here and I'll show you what really hard is.
- Do you know what really hard is? - Beating me up and that.
Yeah. Do you know what really hard is?
Beating up and that. Kick him in the bollocks.
- No need to be specific. - All right.
This is the final warning.
Come on.
- What? - Nothing.
Why didn't you use your SAS stuff on him?
Because I don't know any.
What, you don't know kung fu and all the lethal moves?
No.
Why did you say you did?
Why do I say I can hold my breath under water for three and a half minutes? I can't.
I panic in water, if anything.
I can't get you a line either, if that's why you're still here.
- Really? - I haven't got any power around here.
I've told people I've got a line and everything.
Sorry.
Don't worry about it.
Every job I do I get bullied.
Bullied?
People calling me names and that.
If it doesn't stop soon, I think I'm just going to finish it, end it all.
Do what I thought I'd never do.
Suicide?
No, go to Family Affairs. I've had an offer.
There's no bullying at Family Affairs, they're really nice people.
Sure.
All I want to do is act.
And you're good.
Am I?
Yeah, of course you are.
Put your hat on.
Look at that, looks brilliant. Hair and everything.
Yes.
Look at all these.
Your medal. Shiny, innit?