For God's sake, you bloody Yanks are all the same.
You walk round like you're John Wayne then leave us to clean up your mess.
I've got three embassies baying for blood.
I've got two dead diplomats and a partridge in a bloody pear tree.
Whitehall's running around like a bunch of headless chickens.
What exactly am I supposed to tell the Prime Minister?
Tell him Uncle Sam's in town.
And we'll cut there, thank you. Check the gate, we're moving on.
Sarge, those lads keep saying, "Afternoon, Cont-stable,"
but making it sound like you know what. What'll I do to them? Can I hit them?
If I was a real copper, though,
I'd get ready like that. I would and I'd have...
It's all right, it's only hairspray. I like my prisoners to look good.
Excuse me. Can I just say I thought you were really brilliant in that scene?
Thank you. I didn't really do anything, I just had to hold this folder.
Which you did brilliantly. Didn't drop it or anything.
Well, you know, that's three years of drama school for you.
- Sorry, I'm Maggie by the way. - Dan.
- Hi, Dan. - Hi, Maggie.
Look, I can't really talk now. I have to...
Oh, no, sorry. You go and do your thing. So, I just wanted to say that.
Thanks.
- Bye. - See you.
What?
- What? Nothing. Just a normal conversation. - Stop it.
He just held the file well, that's all you wanted to say to him.
- Shut your face. Going to put my pumps on. - Don't leave me.
- Why? - What if one of them talks to me?
- Well, they're only human. - He's not.
(MAGGIE LAUGHING)
- Just two minutes, right? - Hurry up.
- Quite incredible, eh? - Huh?
- Mr Samuel L. Jackson in our midst. - No, I'm not Sam Jackson.
I can see your confusion. We look alike. But...
I've hit gold, eh? I've found the joker in the pack.
I don't know about that.
No, I tell you what, seriously, that is great, that is mate.
That is brilliant. That's a gift that is, the gift of laughter.
- You remind me of a mate of mine. - Yeah?
Pete Shepherd. Used to run the launderers near me.
- God, we used to have a laugh together. - Did you?
He'd have me in hysterics every time I saw him.
He was a Chelsea fan, I supported Spurs and when we met, we'd have a chat and laugh.
- Yeah. Why are you telling me this? - We'd have a chat and laugh every time.
- Good. - One day, a couple of kids,
they were messing around in his shop, and they chucked bleach in his eyes
and they blinded him.
I went to visit him in the hospital.
Tears were coming out of his bandaged, frazzled, useless eyes.
And he went...
"I don't think I'll ever laugh again."
- You know what? - No.
I don't think he has.
I stopped going to visit him in the end, to be honest.
- That cheer him up? - Got too depressing, you know.
I only used to hang out with him because he was a laugh.
But, he just got boring.
He was miserable blind. That's not my cup of tea.
- "My eyes, my eyes..." - Andy.
- Sorry to interrupt. - No, please don't apologise.
I need someone to do a few lines sometime next week,
probably not until Tuesday, it's an officer in an ID parade.
- Interested in that? - I don't mind.
Hang on, I was already seen. I was on the desk when Sam Jackson walked past.
Yeah? No, I can't use you then. Sorry, mate.
- Need someone who hasn't been seen. - He hasn't been seen.
- I haven't been seen. - You fancy that?
Sam Jackson comes in, you're joking around with him
and you go, "Ten to one he's going to pick Sergeant Harris again."
- With Sam Jackson? - Yeah, you want to have a stab at that?
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- I'll let you know when. It won't be today. - Okay.
- Cheers. - All right.
Oh, bloody hell. A line with Sam Jackson. Cheers for that.
- I owe you one. - Hey, a favour's a favour. Don't worry.
- Just take me out one night. - What?
Take me out, on the town, one night.
Let's go and eat on the other bus.
- Why? - Nothing, no reason. Don't need a reason.
Just let's do something out of the ordinary once in a while.
- Yeah, all right. - Bit of a break from the old routine.
Whoa. Where are you going? You can't come on here, it's actors only.
- I am an actor. - No, you're background.
- Your bus is over there. This is for actors. - I am an actor.
No, your voucher is green, that means you're background.
Okay. So you're judging my entire career on the colour of my voucher?
No, I'm sure you've had major roles in other things.
- He hasn't. - Shut up.
- I can't let you on here. Okay? - Sure.
There's no one on, though. Can I just eat here and go? I'll be five minutes.
- I can't allow it. - No?
You can't come on here.
You've got a perfectly good bus over there. This bus is for actual actors.
Yeah, don't know why I asked!
Mental! As if I could go on a bus meant for other people.
- I don't really know him. Can I come on? - No.
Okay.
Pig.
Hiya.
- Got any more jokes? - I haven't. No.
- Come on, eh? - I...
What's ET short for?
- Don't know. - He's only got little legs.
- My uncle was like you. - Was he?
A very funny guy. Not towards the end, though.
Not so much to laugh about towards the end.
Lost both his legs, you see. Thrombosis.
There was very little to laugh about when he knew he was stuck downstairs.
No legs and he could hear his wife upstairs with another man having it off.
Despite the morphine, he could still hear her up there.
At it.
They reckon he died of a broken heart in the end.
Still, it's a wonderful gift that.
Laughter.
Yeah. The gift that keeps on giving.
I've got to go and slash my wrists. I'll see you later, all right?
Hey, what are you doing on Saturday afternoon?
Why?
I thought you could come round my place, couple of lads, open a couple of cans.
I got a new DVD. Do you know what it is?
Vera Drake.
Tempting. I've got to watch the game.
It's Chelsea-Man U. So, see you later.
When are we gonna go for that night out?
- What? - I know a lovely little restaurant.
You said shall we go for an evening out and I didn't say no.
- Are you going back on your promise? - It's not a promise.
- It was. - You did me a favour, which I thank you for,
but I don't think it warrants a whole evening out, a candlelit meal.
- What's wrong with going for a meal? - Nothing. But a bit weird.
What's weird about a couple of mates having a meal together?
- We're not really friends... - But that's how we'll become friends.
I go out for meals with people that are already friends.
I don't go up to people and go, "All right, mate. I don't know you from Adam
"but do you want to go to Butlins for the weekend?
"You might be a mental case but let's find out." It's mad.
- Do you know what I mean? - No.
What you...
Oh!
- Hi. - Hello.
- Hi. It's Maggie. - Yeah, Dan.
- Hi again. - Yeah.
So how long have you been in this lark, then?
I've only been acting for a couple of years. Done a couple of plays.
I'd like to do more films but they're hard to come by.
- So, I'm just trying to get into TV. - Sure.
To be honest, there's not a lot of black faces needed on television.
No.
- Crimewatch. - What?
The reconstructions on Crimewatch. They always need black actors.
Or white actors. They need black actors and white actors.
Depending on who's committed the crime that day.
I mean, there's criminals, black criminals.
Certainly there's white criminals as well as black criminals.
Oh, God! I've just remembered I've got to go...
Yeah, what was that again? It was the... It was a bag.
Yes, I'll see you later.
Why don't you just tell him you don't want to be his friend?
It's too damning. You can't say that to someone.
That is saying that you fundamentally have a problem with their personality.
- What are you gonna do? - The only honourable thing I can do.
- What? - Add him to the long list of people
that I have to avoid for the rest of my life.
You can never have that time back.
I sat through a whole evening of Comic Relief once because I was...
Sorry, excuse me.
- Are you an actress in this film? - Yeah.
- You can't come on here. - Sorry?
You can't come on here. This bus is for supporting artists and you're an actress.
- What are you talking about? - You've got your own bus there.
And we've got our own bus. I'm not allowed on yours,
you're not allowed on mine, but you can come on. On you go.
- No. - This is pathetic.
I know. It is pathetic, isn't it? But you can't come on.
- Get out the way. - Look, I don't make the rules here.
- You're a child. - Yeah, well, that's as may be.
We'll stick to our own, you stick to your own and then we're all happy.
- He doesn't think you're a racist. - He does.
He's just seen me say to a black woman, "You're not allowed to sit on this bus."
It's like that whole racism on a bus incident all over again.
- The Rosa Parks incident? - It wasn't in a park, it was on a bus.
Sure.
He doesn't think you're a racist. And even if he does, which he doesn't,
he's wrong because you're not. Don't worry about it.
But what if I am and I don't know it? What if subconsciously, I'm a little bit racist?
- Well, there is that test I can give you. - What test?
The racism test. The one they give you when you join the council
- to make sure you're not racist. - I've never heard of it.
- Do you want to do it? Just 10 questions. - Go on, then.
Right, you've got to answer just totally honestly, okay?
Just relax, you've got nothing to worry about unless you are a racist.
Question one is who would you rather see with their shirt off?
Brad Pitt or Sir Trevor McDonald?
- Brad Pitt, obviously. - Obviously.
- What? - No, I can't say anything till the end.
Right, question two. This is about racial awareness.
'Cause often you catch out a real racist because they don't know
or care about any black issues.
Who's the Prime Minister of Great Britain?
- Tony Blair. - Correct.
Who is the Prime Minister of Namibia?
I don't know.
You knew the white one. Okay, good.
Oh, dear. Who is the Queen of England?
- Queen Elizabeth II. - Correct.
Who is the President of Djibouti?
This is ridiculous. I've never even heard of blooming Djibouti.
Please do not ridicule the totally valid African language.
Right, next question.
Who would you rather have waiting for you when you got home tonight?
Johnny Depp or OJ Simpson?
- Johnny Depp because of the murder thing. - Because of the murder thing?
I think you'll find that Mr OJ Simpson was acquitted
but in your eyes 'cause he's black, he's still guilty.
- People still think he is guilty. - Racist people still think he's guilty.
- I'm not a racist. - I'm just going by the test.
I'm trying to get off with a black person.
Yes, but according to you, you wouldn't want him waiting for you
in your house when you got home tonight.
Only because I would go, "How did you get in here?"
Now he's breaking and entering as well. Fascist.
Right, I'm going to go and ask him out now.
- Hold on. - Watch.
Tell him you had a hate rating of 9.8, one more than Hitler.
Watch, I'm going now.
He said yes.
He is so lovely and totally amazing and I'm going out for a drink with him.
- When? - Tonight.
- Well done. - I'm a wee bit nervous about this date.
Racist.
- Did you get my plate? - No.
You left it.
ANDY: Quick!
Oh, very cool. It'd be funny if you were squashed like that, wouldn't it?
Would you rather die of the cold or die of the heat?
Would you rather be trapped in a freezer or trapped in a microwave?
- How would you get trapped in a microwave? - Hiya.
- You going to the station? - No.
- Going back into town? - No.
- Where you going, then? - We're just...
We're going in here.
- Really? - Yeah.
- So... - Why?
- We're going to visit his mum's grave. - Yes.
Taking her some flowers and stuff.
- You haven't got any flowers. - Not taking her some flowers.
Collecting the dead flowers from all the other visits.
That's a bit of a coincidence, isn't it?
She's buried in the graveyard next to the studio we're working at.
- Handy. That's why we're going. - We'll see you later.
Do you mind if I come with you?
Why would I? Come on.
You don't have to wait around. I'll be about half an hour and I get quite emotional so...
That's all right, that's not a worry. That's not a problem, mate. No.
I've spent a lot of time by graves. I'm used to it.
You take your time. Enjoy.
Yeah. Which one is it anyway?
- Which one? - That one.
- The one with the...
Yeah.
- There she is. - Rebecca Leibovitch.
Mum.
Sounds Jewish. I didn't know you were Jewish.
Didn't you? Oy!
Yeah, oy.
Good God, died in 1953.
How old does that make you, then?
- At least 52. 52. - You're 52?
- Don't look it one bit. - No, thanks.
Hard to believe, isn't it?
Just like it's hard to believe that we were just passing my dead mother's grave...
who is Jewish.
She was born in 1893.
So she died when she was 60.
In childbirth.
They warned her. They said, "Becky, you cannot have a kid at your age."
- But old Ma Leibovitch didn't listen. - No.
- And here I am, 52 and Jewish. - Yeah.
- Okay. - Why did you change your surname, then?
Fed up with the persecution. The usual story, isn't it?
Enough is enough, proud race and religion.
- Is your dad round here? - No.
He's still alive.
- Really? - Apparently.
- How old is he, then? - 100.
- He's doing well though for 100. - Yeah.
Do you like taking the mickey out of me? This fun for you, is it?
What?
That is not your mother's grave.
- Oh, no! - And I don't think you're Jewish.
- No she pointed to that... - Why do you keep lying to me?
- I don't keep lying to you. - Yes, you do.
You said that we were going to go for a nice meal.
Then you went back on that. Do you think I haven't got any feelings?
I know you've got feelings. Which is why I thought I would avoid the issue.
I don't want to go for a meal with someone...
You won't go for a meal with me because you hate me.
- I don't hate you. - You hate me so much
that you can't bear to sit opposite me, have a nibble on a bit of food in my company.
- I could have a meal with you. - I know, I'm not the joker of the pack.
- That's nothing to do with it. - All right, I might not be able to do that.
I'm reliable. If I say I'll be somewhere, I'm there.
I know. I'm quite happy to have a meal with you.
You're just saying that now because...
- No, I'd like to have a meal with you. - When?
- Any time. - Tonight?
- Not tonight. - See what I mean?
Okay, tonight.
Tonight will be fine. Let's have a meal tonight, okay?
I'm looking forward to it.
Aw... poor... Oh, no. Come on.
Louise, 13. Karen, 10.
Haven't seen either of them in three months.
Word of advice, never get married.
And if you do get married,
don't let your wife go to the greengrocer's on her own.
- Right? - Right.
She was going out three, four times a week. Getting fresh fruit and veg.
I said to her, "Why don't we do one big shop?"
No, she wasn't having that. She was always down there.
I got suspicious, you know.
My wife's going out 8:00 at night to buy cauliflower.
Right, then. What we having?
- Shall I order us some champagne? - No, it's not appropriate.
We'll have a lager. We'll have a lager each, down it and go home and watch telly.
In our separate homes.
- I don't... What are you going to have? - I don't know.
Cor, I just can't decide.
- What a tragic couple we are. - We're not a couple.
His wife left him and I'm out shagging, regular as clockwork.
(THERE'S NOTHING LIKE THIS PLAYING)
(CHATTING)
There's this stallion of a horse, right, being brought on to set,
and whose got to ride it? Me. Okay. All right.
So, okay, I can't go out like a chump. So I big up my chest
and I'm going to ride this horse.
- I get on the horse... - Got to go to the toilet.
Yeah, sure, yeah.
- What you got there? - Nothing.
- No, you've got something. What is it? - No, it's fine.
- Let me see. - It's nothing.
Come on, let me see. What you got?
It's just a golliwog... toy.
- A golly toy. - A what?
A golly toy.
Don't worry about that, though. I mean, I have had Sambo... San... Sinbad
since I was about six or seven. He's been in the family for years.
So, I mean, that's harmless. I think, if I was a racist,
I wouldn't be about to do what we were about to do.
Not that I know what we were about to do, but whatever you want to do I'm up for it.
- Why were you trying to hide it? - I wasn't hiding it.
I was putting it there because it puts me off. Well, it doesn't put me off.
I was putting them altogether, all the toys together.
Because all the toys are equal.
(PUPPET VOICE) Hello. How are you?
Hello, there... Hello, there. How are you?
I'm fine. I'm not a racist. In fact, I think I fancy you.
Oh! Oh!
(PUPPETS MOANING)
- I think I'm going to shoot off. - No, really?
- Yeah. - Sorry.
No, it's totally cool. I just think the black thing's getting in the way here.
No, it's not.
Don't worry, I don't think you're a racist or anything.
I just think that it's on your mind and you can't get past it.
So, you know, we should just relax and rewind things a bit.
Okay. Look, can I just say something?
The black thing, it's not an issue. I hardly notice it, really.
Maggie, it's fine. It's cool. Let's do something next week, shall we?
- We'll go out Friday. - Yes.
- Dinner, dancing? - Definitely.
I love dancing, me. Are you a good dancer?
Not that there's any reason why you should be a good dancer.
I have to... I'm going to go. I'll speak to you tomorrow.
- Yeah. Okay. - All right, see you.
- See you. Okay. - Bye.
Thanks again for the wine and everything.
- Okay, bye. - See you.
(DOOR CLOSING)
Oh!
- This is delicious. Try that. - No, what are you doing?
- Jesus, listen to that. - What?
That big... fat hippo.
(SLURPING)
Listen to this, right.
Nothing. I'm two feet away. Now, listen to him.
(SLURPING)
Oh! He's driving me mental.
You really are Mr Grumpy Boots tonight, aren't you?
I can't do this, sorry. I can't go through with this.
I am so fed up.
I'm 43 years old
and most people my age are out with their wives or their girlfriends.
I'm sat here having dinner with another middle-aged man...
because I felt sorry for you. And don't take this the wrong way,
I looked at you and I thought, "What a pathetic loser."
And I took pity on you and that's why I came.
I'm worse off than you in many ways.
I'm lower on the chain than you. How do you think that makes me feel?
And I'm not having a go at you because I know you're a nice bloke.
But, I've got to go, mate, because I'm actually depressed.
Wait, I understand. I know what you're saying.
Look...
I got you this as a surprise. I was going to give it to you later
- but you may as well have it now. - What is it?
That...
is two tickets for the Ben Elton musical, We Will Rock You.
What are you doing?
Oh! Hm...
See you later.
Cheers.
I've really had it with all this. I am so fed up.
- It'll be all right. - What will?
People always say that. What'll be all right? When will it be all right?
- I'm 43. I've got nothing. - No, listen, things are looking up.
You've got a line with Samuel L. Jackson, haven't you?
- It's a start. Please, don't be like this. - Oh, it's just...
It's just after last night, I was... How was your evening? Any better?
Word of advice.
If you get the most amazing, gorgeous, good looking black guy
in the world back at your house, don't leave your golliwog lying around.
That's remarkable advice, cheers.
Then he caught me trying to hide it which made matters worse.
Why did you try and hide it?
I didn't want to offend him. And he was right 'cause the black thing was on my mind.
I didn't know whether to talk about black things or not talk about black things.
I ended up talking about what I thought he wanted to hear.
Don't pander to him just because he's black.
- Lf he says, "I like reggae," and you don't... - Which I don't.
...then say you don't.
It's not being racist. It's having an opinion.
- I'll go and have a wee word with him now. - Aye, go and have a wee word with him.
- Hi. - Hey.
- Can I have a quick word? - Yes, of course.
I just wanted to say that I hate reggae.
- Sorry? - I hate reggae, I hate it.
It's slow, everything sounds the same, it's boring, I can't be doing with it.
What do you think?
- I don't particularly like reggae, either. - Right.
Well, even if you did like it, I would still hate it.
- What sort of music do you like? - Well, I like jazz.
I hate jazz. I hate it.
In fact, do you know who I really hate in jazz?
You know that big fat black man? Him with the big fat puffed out cheeks
and his bulging out eyes and everything, he's like trumpet man.
- Sasquatch... - Satchmo. Louis Armstrong.
- Oh, yeah. Hi. - Hi.
- Do you hate all jazz? - Yeah, that's just my opinion.
It's not based on anything else other than the music
because I hate anybody doing it, you know, like black or white.
Sorry, we were just having a conversation about music.
Obviously, she doesn't hate jazz.
Yes, I do, but I like lots of other things, white or black.
- I like you, for example. I think you're great. - Thank you.
I don't normally watch films more than once, but I thought The Matrix, I loved it.
- It was amazing. - Yes, it's a good film.
- Good film, that's all she's saying. - And you were brilliant in it.
I wasn't in that one.
- Wasn't in it. - Yeah, you were.
- He should know. - You were in The Matrix.
- He was the main one. - No.
No, I can assure you I was not in The Matrix but Laurence Fishburne was.
- That's why you're confused. - I know what you're thinking.
She doesn't think you all look alike.
If that's... what you were thinking.
No, I'm just saying she doesn't... She's not racist.
- No, sir. - No way, she's not a racist.
In fact, she's been trying to get a black guy to shag her for a few weeks so...
That one.
Specifically. But, I mean, it's open to all. Not all, I mean, you... definitely.
I know you're married
but, if you wanted to, you could be up her like a rat up a drainpipe.
Yeah. Okay.
Pulp Fiction.
- Are we ready for the next shot? - Yeah, are we ready yet?
Why are they keeping him waiting...?
- Can I see you about... - Yeah, we're off. We're off.
Yeah, but we can't because you've got the line with Samuel L. Jackson.
I haven't, that's the point. I haven't got a line with Samuel L. Jackson
because the line "Right up a drainpipe".
Okay, well, cheers, everyone. Thanks.
That's my hat there.
ANDY: Yeah, that's it. Another good day being friends with you.
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