Oh, I don't like the sound of that.
What's up with you?
There's a story here about the Brazilian rowing team.
They've been practicing on Amazon and it's full of piranha fish,
and they capsized.
Says in paper they were in danger of having their cocks eaten.
Why would piranhas go for the cocks first?
It doesn't mean what you think it...
The cox is a little fella who sits at back of boat shouting stroke.
If I were a piranha, I'd draw the line at eating cocks.
It doesn't mean they...
- Oh, you don't get it, do you? - I don't get it.
I know you don't get it.
Why, what would you go for first if you were a piranha?
I'd probably just have a bag of crisps.
Are you havin' a laugh? Is he havin' a laugh?
He'd definitely be interested in the film, yeah.
Who else is in it?
Fellow played who?
Harry Potter?
I've never heard of him. What...
Little magical kid with glasses? You know Andy's in his fourties?
Do you... Oh, they've got something for him, okay!
And how much would you be paying?
You've got more money than sense, mate.
No, I'm his agent, yeah.
You know, I met a bloke once who said he'd love to take me up the Amazon.
What did you say?
I said: "Alright, as long as you're paying."
- What did he say? - He was a bit shocked, to be honest.
Not surprised.
Not as shocked as when I told him I'd only do it
if we could take lots of photos to show my mum.
Oh, finished.
Knockety-knock-knock? Hello!
Alright?
Great show, brilliant show tonight. Very very funny.
What was your favourite bit?
- You didn't watch it, did you? - It's not my cup of tea, to be honest.
If I'm being truthful, it's not my thing. I can't get with it.
I'd like to talk some business. How do you fancy 3 days with Billy Piper?
- 3 days with Billie Piper? - Good money. You'd be in and out.
What're you talking about?
Billy Piper. Little magical kid with glasses.
D'you mean Harry Potter?
- What did I say? - Billie Piper.
- I've heard of him. Who's he? - She! She's an actress.
She's in "Doctor Who". She...
- Do you watch television? - Do I watch television?
I've just bought myself a brand new 52 inch plasma TV set.
Fifty? That's way too big for your flat.
It is too big. I don't know what I was thinking.
It's too bright. I was wiring it up, and David Dickinson came on.
And his tan nearly took my eyeballs out.
I'm all over the place, got headaches... I've got it in a box now.
I'm just watching a little portable.
You don't wanna buy a TV, do you?
- How much did you pay for it? - 3,500 £.
What would you sell it to me for?
35,000 £, face value.
Obviously not.
No, you gotta give me a discount, it's secondhand. 1,500 £.
That's an insult. I'd rather smash it up than give it to you for 5,000£
- That is pathetic. - Alright.
This project, go on.
Big british movie. Lots of stars.
Dame Diana Rigg's in it, all sorts of people.
I know you wanna get to movies, so this could be a good in.
Plus, I checked with them straight away, I said: "Will he still get paid..."
"even if his performance is crap?" They said yes.
- So it's a win-win for us. - You didn't ask'em that.
Because I was worried that if you got a gig and they saw the sitcom,
they might fire you.
But they've already seen the show, so...
Oh, they've seen the show?
Cause they're in the business and they watch TV. There, yeah.
- I wonder if they wanna buy a TV. - Don't ask them.
Alright, call'em and say yes, I'm interested.
And get Maggie some extra work, I don't wanna spend
3 days with loads of actors I don't know.
Nightmare. Call'em out.
- Well, I'll call'em later. - Non, call'em now.
- I'll call'em outside. - Call'em in here.
No, I don't wanna call'em in front of you.
- Don't ask if they wanna buy a telly. - I might as well do it here, then.
Ridiculous.
- So, what scene are we starting with? - 2nd of 1.4.1.
This is Warwick.
Nice to meet you.
This is my fiancée, Claire.
- So, do you know your lines? - I've only got two.
You're sure this food is definitely free?
This is my agent.
- Darren Lamb, nice to meet you. - This is Warwick.
Where?
Oh, midget. Hello.
I'm gonna get some coffees.
- What was your name, sorry? - It's Warwick.
Funny little name.
Can I just show you where you're gonna be standing?
Yes. Don't...
Are those your own clothes?
No.
Where do you get normal clothes from? Are they children clothes?
Are they toy clothes?
Like your shoes for instance, are they like little toy bear's booties?
Like you sometimes see, like a toy monkey...
with little trainers on. Would you have a pair of them for yourself?
There are special shops, and I do a lot of Internet shops.
Internet. That makes sense. That's clever.
Can I fit in your house?
- What're you talking about? - Internet and stuff.
Yeah, it should be a laugh.
Imagine if I followed him home to his tiny little house, right?
And as he goes up to bed, I put my face against the window
just like Godzilla, just grrargh! Freakim him out.
Reaching in through the window like King Kong...
What are you doing?!
- I'm just having a chat... - Why are you still here?
Don't! We've got to learn our lines.
See you later.
- Agent? - Idiot.
Wood elf?
Why do you cry?
Blow as I might...
My flute makes no sound.
Without my music...
The birds cannot sing their morning song.
- May I take a look? - Certainly, but...
I don't know what a boy can do.
Especially one dressed so...
strangely.
Try it now.
Sweet music is born again!
But I am curious.
How did you know you'd need such an implement?
Always be prepared.
Ok, cut that. Thank you. Check the gate.
Can I get a drink of water, please?
- You married? - Yes.
That don't stop me.
A ring don't mean a thing.
This chair free?
Uh... yeah.
How you doing?
Okay.
God, I still got these on. I don't need these.
They're just for the character.
Even if I did need glasses in my life, you know... I never read.
Right.
What?
Fags.
You smoke, do you?
Me? Oh, yeah. Just a little bit. You?
No.
No? Good girl. Very wise. I've got to put down, really.
I've done it with a girl.
What?
I've done it with a girl. Intercourse-wise.
- So if you're looking for... - Daniel?
It's my mum. Say they're your fags.
What're you doing?
Nothing. She's tried to give me fags!
No, I'm not!
You should know better, you're old enough to be his mother!
And she was trying to have it off with me.
Well, of course she was. You're bloody gorgeous. Come on, you.
- Makes me sick. - What?
These showbiz dwarves...
who use their powers to get women out of their league.
- What, Warwick? - No, Paul Daniels.
If she's into short men, you could bear with a chance.
- I'm not short. - Yeah, you are.
5'8, average height.
Well, average in your days.
- My days? Born in the sixties. - Early sixties.
- Quite, yeah. - 1960.
- No. - 1961?
- That'd be why you didn't grow. - I did grow!
With all the powdered egg and the rationing and everything.
- That was the war! - Yeah, whatever.
Do you know what?
You've got small man complex.
But what's that?
You're bad-tempered, grumpy, you want power and people to respect you.
Like that little famous person, what's his name? Begins with an "N".
- Napoleon? - Noel Edmunds.
I'm not short. I'm average high. And that's...
I can see how it is upsetting for you.
Cause there's him, he's even smaller than you are...
- Cause I'm not small. - He's getting all these...
- attractive and beautiful women. - We all are.
But you get nothing.
Well, I'm getting'em.
There was the one that looked like Ronnie Corbet.
- We know why you went for her. - Why?
Cause you could look her in the eye.
It's not a competition.
It's not like she saw us both and went "Oh, I like the short one".
- Is that you or him? - Him!
- See? There's the temper. - I'm saying...
If she'd had met us both at the same time...
We don't know who she'd had chosen.
I think I know.
She'd had chosen the one...
Who ?
Don't know what to say. It'll sound arrogant I don't wanna...
But if she was single and she met us both...
Tell me?
Oh for f... Just think.
- I'm thinking. - Your own thoughts.
Stay out of mine.
- A bit stodgy, innit? - Honestly, I'm sick of this.
Can we get something nice tonight? My treat, but a proper restaurant.
Yeah.
Hey, guys. What're we doing?
Just been eating.
Yeah, sweet. Look, thanks for covering my ass earlier.
The offer still stands.
What offer?
You know...
I was gonna go and get a drink. Does anybody want anything?
- A cup of tea. - Give me a bourbon, babe.
I think it's mostly just teas and coffees.
Then give me a cup of joe. Make it strong, I don't want the weak shit.
When she comes back, make some excuse and leave us alone, will you?
What do you have planned?
- You unravelled it? - Ready for action.
Let's just hope it's big enough.
Can I have my johnny back?
"May I have my johnny back".
- Please. - Yeah.
It's not called a johnny there, is it?
- Durex? - No, that's a brand name.
"May I have back my prophylactic or sheath?"
May I have my prophylac...
...tic.
Can I have it please?
Excuse me? Haven't you forgotten something?
Oh, thank you, Dame Diana.
- Still will be using it? - Yeah, that'll be fine.
Lucky girl.
You're getting married to...?
That's really nice of you.
It's really "nice" of me?
Me and my friend Andy - Andy Millman - were talking...
and he was surprised that you'd chosen someone like...
...Warwick, over someone... Someone like him, who's...
Do you only like small people?
I don't like cause he's small, but cause he has a nice personality.
Well, that's good then. Because Andy was saying
that if you didn't mind someone who's a little bit taller, he's up for it.
Sorry, so...
Your friend is so arrogant he thinks he just has to get the word,
and I would immediately leave my fiancé for him...
because he's taller.
Do you understand how offensive that is?
- It's a bit out of order, isn't it? - It is out of order.
He shouldn't have said that, should he? - No, he shouldn't have.
Yes!
This is alright, innit?
Share the wealth.
Kid's doing wild, isn't he?
It's a lovely place though, eh, but depressing though.
Why?
Here I am with you in a nice place, instead of a proper man.
None taken.
I mean like, on a date.
The only person with money that finds me attractive is a teenage boy.
Could be worse. He's a film star, he's got his own condom...
Excuse me. Hi. I know this isn't really...
- Could I please get your autograph? - Yeah, sure.
- To Emma. - No worries.
You could do me a favour, actually.
Can you tell the woman to shut her kid up? He's doing my head in.
Cheers.
I'll never get used to that.
Why does someone want a name on a piece of paper?
I know, it's a bit weird.
Oh, she's told him it's you.
She's coming over.
Excuse me.
I understand you have a problem with me bringing my son into a restaurant?
If he's like that, yes.
- What do you mean, "like that"? - Why should we be burdened
Andy, don't...
You think that because you're on TV, you can order the rest of the world around?
It's nothing to do with that.
But he's gonna make that sort of noise... It's a restaurant, for God's sake.
- It's not my fault, is it? - Yes it is, you decided to have it.
Of course, I decided to have him.
You'll be pleased to know we're about to leave anyway. So...
I hope you have a wonderful evening,
and that you realise you're a horrible little man.
Oh, not even realising.
- I didn't realise... - I was trying to tell you.
- Why didn't you say anything? - I was trying to tell you...
Hello, Andy. How's it going, mate? Paul, mate.
I was just passing.
Wanna clear up all this nonsense about you having a go at Down Syndrome people?
We've had this woman come to us saying that
you were having a go at her kid who's Down's and that.
Sorry, are you a journalist?
Sort of, mate. Just freelance.
Just trying to turn this round to get the truth out there, if you may.
So what happened? The Down syndrome's making a racket,
you tell him to shut up and suddenly his mum's up...
I didn't tell him to shut up. I didn't tell anyone to shut up.
The world's gone mad. You can't say what you think anymore.
I didn't know he was Down syndrom, for a start.
So you're in a restaurant with your girlfriend...
- She's not my girlfriend. - But she's a girl and a friend.
- I'll put "girlfriend". Psycho. - She's not my girlfriend.
- What psycho girlfriend? She's not... - Short hand...
And you heard a noise and it was driving you mad.
Can't say "mad" nowadays, can you?
He was making a noise and I got a little...
Mad. The mad kid was driving you mad.
Can't say "mad", nowadays, can you? Or "mental".
I wouldn't say... Can you make it clear I didn't know it was Down syndrome?
- I will, I will. - Put that down.
Are you actually writing anything there?
So, you complained, the mum came over, she went nuts.
- Well, she was agitated... - So she went mad?
You could say she was going madder than her son
Would you say she was going mental?
- Say "mental". - No.
Can't say "mental" nowadays, can you? If you wanna say "mental", you can't.
- I've gotta go. - Cheers, mate. Got everything I need.
"In a shocking outburst that would stun comedy fans everywhere,
so cool TV funny man Andy Millman lost his temper
and blasted a Down syndrome child
for supposedly ruining his dinner at a 100£ a head restaurant."
100£ a head?
It was about 80 quid...
200 quid for a meal for two people? How the other half live?
Sorry, that makes me sick.
"Millman had been glugging red wine with his girlfriend."
- Ah, pissed. - I got one drink.
- Did you glug it, though? - Did I what?
- It says here you glugged it. - I don't know what glugging is.
Never glug. Always sip a lovely wine, never glug it.
Can we stop saying "glug"?
I wasn't even drinking red wine, Maggie was. I had a beer.
"Millman had been glugging red wine...
and let off a tirade of abuse at the innocent child and the stunned mother,
who he claimed was "as mad as her son".
- I didn't say that! - Someone did.
Says Madam Maureen Wilson: "I used to be a fan of Andy's,
but after his torrent of hate, if he thinks I'll ever his program again..."
Here. "...he's having a laugh."
She used your old catch-phrase against you, stitched you up. It's clever, witty.
As if she ever said that. As if she's making little jokes, being that angry.
So. What can we do about this, can we sue?
I don't think it's worth it.
This sort of thing, tomorrow it's fish and chip paper.
Although he's not having fish and chips anymore.
You'd have trouble doing 200£ in a chippy, wouldn't you?
- I didn't spend 200 quid. - It says 230 in this one.
- Lies. - No, it does.
I don't mean you're lying, I mean they're lying.
They make stuff up, don't they?
Don't know about that.
You've never heard of a paper making stuff up?
Of course, they do. They made stuff up about you too.
When they said you went in to the EastEnders bosses
to beg for his job back and you're on your knees,
and then you burst into tears. They made that up.
Didn't they?
Bullshit.
I guess only time will tell. Anything else?
Let's move to the story about the actor Andy Millman.
Who is he?
He's that guy, he does the "is he having a laugh?".
Ok. He's in a restaurant and he's insulted a Down syndrome boy.
Both mother and son are completely devastated,
because it was an unprovoked attack.
Did he hit him?!
It doesn't say.
If he did strike the boy, then he deserved to be banned from TV.
So, have you heard about this?
TV actor Andy Millman has hit a Down syndrome child.
Today we're asking our celebrities out of control:
is it one rule for us and an other for the rich and famous?
Tony's on the line. What do you make of this Millman character?
What can you say? It's disgusting. Absolutely disgusting.
Excuse my french, but I think he's a shit.
No, you're excused in this case because I think you're right.
I don't normally tolerate foul language on the air, but...
What else can you say about this piece of work?
The thing is, I heard he also hit the mother. Punch in the face!
He punched the mother?! Oh, my God.
Tony, thank you. That gives a whole fresh new light to the story.
Coming up today: what made rising star Andy Millman
punch a defenseless Down syndrome child
and his elderly wheel-chair bound mother in the face?
Denise Robertson will be here to speculate.
Plus, Rwanda revisited.
12 years after the genocide,
a harrowing report from Big Brother 2 winner, Brian Dowling.
Andy, quick, come here! Look.
What the f...
It's great to clear the air. I know there's been a lot of press speculation
- What's he doing? - I spoke to Andy...
and he's explained everything to me.
The truth is this: he is successful,
and he wanted to go to a classy restaurant.
You know, I'm sure you sometimes want it yourself.
As he said to me, he's got some cash now.
He does not wanna have to associate with riffraff, and why should he?
So, he's in this posh restaurant with his friend
and there is a mother in there with a kid.
And the kid's making a lot of noise, a little racket.
He's ruining it for everyone. Andy's obviously furious.
Andy, because...
he's paying through the nose for this grub. I mean it's silly money.
So he complains to the mother, and they get into this ruck.
And the thing is, he didn't realise that the kid was...
mentally deranged, or whatever.
Cause he could only see him from behind.
And I defy anyone to be able to identify from behind...
you know, one of these Mongoloids.
I'm sorry, a Mongoloid?
Yeah, no, I mean if you had a bunch of people line up over there
and one of them was a Mongoloid, and they had their backs to you...
I defy anyone to be able to tell which one it was.
I think I could.
Big words, Richard, but I don't think you could.
I'm sorry, I think I could.
Can we try and sort that out for tomorrow? Just get a few in?
I don't think we can do that, Richard.
Come on, Judy. Let's see, it'llbe interesting, just try it out.
Darren, thank you very much.
Oh, before I go, do you remember Barry of EastEnders?
He's recorded a CD, did it in his garage.
It's only available on the Internet. It's Barry singing songs from the shows.
- He's got a lovely voice, Richard. - Yeah, yeah.
Good, that's sorted out. At least I've got my best man on it.
Yeah, can I have the Sun newspaper, please?
Thanks, everyone. Now, Dougie.
I asked your mum what's the one thing you'd most like in the whole world,
and she said an X-Box. Is that right?
What have we got here, then?
Oh, thank you.
Do you apologise then, Andy?
That wasn't a case of apology, just a misunderstanding.
No apology necessary.
- The X-Box is apology enough. - It was not an apology.
- And you're happy with that? - Very happy.
- Can I just say, as a further apology. - It was not an apology.
We've talked with Maureen, and we both agreed it would be appropriate
if Andy to donate to a charity of Maureen's choosing
his entire fee for the film he's currently working on.
After agency's deductions.
That's very generous. It's a lovely surprise.
It is a surprise. A big surprise.
We know who I am. What's your name?
My name is Claire.
You have a lovely necklace on, Claire.
Thank you. It's very nice, thanks.
Would you...
...fancy dinner? Are you free tonight?
I'm not, actually, no.
I'm engaged.
- Lunch, tomorrow? - No, thank you.
I'm not going out for any meal with you.
Not even brunch?
No, not even brunch.
Hey, Maggie, listen.
I'm gonna cut to the chase, because I respect you too much to bullshit you.
It's over. Yeah?
- Sorry? - It's over between us.
I don't want tears, that's the kind of guy I am, you knew that going in.
I just think it's better we end things now
before you fall in love with me any deeper.
You knew it wasn't forever. I said it was playtime. We had some laughs, but...
I cannot be tied down to one chick.
I don't wanna waste this on you.
I've got a better bird now.
Well, thanks for your honesty.
- Something to remember me by. - You brushed your teeth today?
- Yes! - Yes.
- Oi, Radcliffe! - What?
- What've you been up to? - Nothing.
Don't lie. You've been chatting up my fiancée, she just told me!
Mum?
Don't call for your mum. You were chatting up my bird.
So act like a man and deal with the consequences.
- I was just... - "I was just neeh-neeh-neeh".
- You speccy little git. - These aren't real glasses.
- You're a speccy git. - Leave him alone, he's just a boy.
- I'm 17. - What's it got to do with you?
- He's doing nothing, is he? - Don't stick your big nose in, love.
- Alright, calm down. - Oh, you!
I'm glad you're here, 'cause you had the same idea.
I know you said your little mate in here
to do your dirty work for you, trying to undermine me.
What've you done?
- Nothing. - You think it's ok, do you?
Trying to steal my fiancée?
- I don't know... what're you doing? - You shit!
- What do you think I got this ring for? - I don't know, you're a hobbit?
- You fat shit! - I don't... the rules to fight with a...
Let me try that.
That usually works in cartoons. What're you doing, mate?
Accident on...
...knee.
Wh... What are you doing?
Lucky shot. He was going mad at me. Instead of the face...
- Sweetheart, Warwick. - He's not...
He's breathing.
It's alright, he's breathing.
Have you still got that cat suit from the Avengers?
Go away, Daniel.
His eyes are open. Right, okay, let's move on.
Remember that charity you promised to give half of your film fee to?
You mean, the charity you promised to give half of my film fee to...
Well, they're basically quite keen to get hold of the cash.
Yeah, but I was kicked out, so there is no fee.
But there's expecting the money. We gotta give it to them.
They don't know what the fee was, do they?
They do. Cause I mentioned it to them.
I've got to give them wages I haven't even earned ?
It's okay, 'cause we can pay'em the money we owe them
from the money we get for the sitcom.
- How much is it? - About a half.
Half an episode?
Well, half the all series.
I gotta give them a half my wages for the entire series?
Not my fault, you're the one who assaulted the kid with...
I didn't assault him, I didn't know he was...
You must have upset him in some way 'cause you made it into the papers.
Talking of the papers, you've made quite a splash again.
But annoyingly, they didn't go with the "giving the kid an X-Box" angle.
What'd they go with?
"TV bully kicks dwarf in face"
Accurate. But, as you say, there's no such thing as bad publicity.
"Pick on someone your own size fatty"?
- Oh, maybe there is. - This is the worst one.
"Suicide bombers get lotto funding." Look at that.
What's it have got to do with me?
Well, nothing. It's just shocking.
No, actually, what am I talking about. This is the worst one, in the Mail.
"Gipsies are eating our pets".
Subtitles: Nathbot & Quarkienette Thanks Phil
www.seriessub.com Watch the credits until the end ;)
Yeah, I know. It's number 3.
Damned!
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