Hi, I'm Andy Millman.
What would you rather do?
Have your child die of thirst, or dysentery?
That's not a choice that you'll have to make, is it?
But 1 in 5 people don't have access to clean drinking water.
Everyday, millions of people have to drink the only water available to them.
And they run the risk of dying.
You can help put an end to that terrible risk...
by pledging just five pounds.
Please help.
Cut!
- Was that alright? - That was fantastic.
Thank you so much, that was so wonderful.
Chris, hi!
- How are you? - What's this for, today?
It's for people in the Third World who don't have clean drink.
This screen...
You're gonna project anything on that?
We don't know yet, but I'm sure...
Cause we have a album coming out, Greatest Hits.
Maybe just put a picture of the album cover on it.
Just simple.
Probably, if we're gonna project anything,
we'll show pictures of people dying because of the lack of clean water.
Could they be holding the album?
Not really, no...
I think that might be a bit inappropriate?
I presume at some point,
you're gonna have some footage of these people looking sad, miserable.
What about some music? Check this out.
- Is that one of yours? - Yeah, yeah, "Trouble".
Just say at the bottom:
"This is available, Coldplay Greatest Hits."
- I just don't quite know... - Easy. Easy.
So easy. Alright, ok.
- Now, where do you want me to stand? - Just there.
- Hey, I know you. - You alright?
"Are you having a laugh?"
"Are you having a laugh", yeah.
I could come on your show.
What's the audience? 5 or 6 million?
That'd be fab!
I don't know, it's a bit weird, celebrities just popping up in a sitcom.
It'd be good, I could play myself.
Right. What would Chris Martin be doing visiting a factory in Wigan?
You'll work it out.
- We will. - We won't.
- When do you shoot? - Thursdays.
- I can't do Thursdays. - I don't mind.
- I can do Wednesdays. - We can move it.
- We can't move it. - No, we can!
Move it.
Can we get on with this?
I got to do AIDS, Altzheimer's and landmines this afternoon.
I don't wanna get back for "Deal or no deal".
Plus, Gwyn is making drumsticks.
Do some bloody work. What's up with you lot?
- We're depressed, Mr Stokes. - Why?
Radio's broken, Mr Stokes.
Statistics prove the work is much more productive with musical accompaniment.
You having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?
We can't work without music.
Can't work without music?! Who are you, seven bloody dwarves?
You'll just have to buy us another one.
I'm not made of money!
And we've spent budget for the year, so...
I don't know what we're gonna do.
Maybe I can help.
I don't believe it. It's only Chris Martin from Coldplay.
Chris, what are you doing here in a factory in Wigan? It's mental.
Well, Ray, I'm just in the area to promote our new album,
Coldplay, the Greatest Hits.
And... I thought I'd pop on over, say hello.
When's that due out?
It's coming out on the 17th of this month.
And it's gonna be really great.
Oh, fantastic. Well, this is gonna sound absolutely ridiculous...
but do you mind performing a song for us?
Are you having a laugh?
"This week, 'When the whistle blows' sunk even lower
in its desperate attempt to appeal to as many of the great unwashed as possible
by roping in the services of rock star Chris Martin...
whose inexplicable appearance was the latest attempt by Andy Millman
to shamelessly prop up his lame duck of a sitcom."
I told you. I told everyone.
- Why did I let people convince me? - Calm down.
Muffin?
- Have a lovely bit of muffin. - I don't want any.
Do you mind if I have a little bit of muffin?
Thank you.
- Bar? - Yo.
- I'm having the muffin. - I'll come through.
- Why is this an event? - It's exciting.
Hi, Shaun.
- Lovely bit of muffin. - Hello, you.
Go on. Go, lick.
Why is he eating like that?
Yeah, why are you eating like that?
Me hands, I've been cleaning the toilets with no gloves.
You shook my hand when you came in.
It was polite, listen to this.
Just being polite.
We're celebrating with a lovely bit of muffin.
What'd be the best news you could get today?
You're going full time at the Carphone Warehouse.
I don't work at the Carephone Warehouse anymore.
I do saturday mornings while Norinda's pregnant.
What news would mean you finally got the critical respect you wanted?
Don't know, being on a comedy with catch-phrases and stupid wigs
filmed in front of a live studio audience of morons
is suddenly considered cool.
That's never gonna happen, is it ?
No, you've been nominated for a BAFTA.
- Best Comedy Performance. - Really ?
Not gonna win that.
Sommat classier than this'll win.
I was thinking the same, then I was looking at the list of nominees...
And it's all crap this year, so you've got as good a chance as anyone.
Cheers.
More good news as well: I had a call from a toy manufacturer,
and they're quite keen to put out a Ray doll, for Christmas.
You press a button, he goes "You having a laugh?"
- Who's gonna buy that? - Same people who watch your show!
Thick kids and their thick parents...
Yeah, thick people, I get it, that's what I'm going for.
Don't slag it off, those people spend a fortune on this sort of tack.
And ringtones as well! Oh, that crazy frog made millions.
Where is he now?
Probably working on a follow-up album, or trying to crack Japan.
Not bad for a frog.
He's very good for a frog Bar, if you don't mind me saying.
I think he's probably the 2nd richest frog in the world after Kermit.
Kermit, yeah! And his nephew, Robin?
Oh, Robin was good.
Looked set to take over the empire for a while.
He was a good actor and singer.
- "Half way up the stairs" ? - Good song.
I've never been to an awards ceremony before.
Nor have I.
- There'll be photographers there. - Probably.
What if I fall, or dribble something down my front?
What're you, a toddler?
Oh some nice frocks in here. Come on and have a look,
- choose something. - I'll wait out here.
How much is this one?
That's £2,500.
- It's a bit much. - Yes.
- Are there any of these that are... - It's all very expensive.
I don't think you can afford anything.
How do you know what I can afford?
Just a hunch.
Hunching hunch...
Nothing.
- Nothing in there? - No, nothing. Come on, let's go.
- Where are we going now? - Somewhere, just anywhere else.
What are you looking for?
A place where people aren't quite as rude.
- Who was rude? - Her, in there!
What happened?
She just looked at me like I shouldn't be there, like I was a piece of dirt.
Come on.
Good day.
My friend here was looking for a dress.
I wonder if we could help her with that Gold card.
- I'm sure we can. - Good.
I think she was looking at this one.
Oh, wonderful. How much is that?
£2,500.
- Do you want that? - Yeah.
- If you don't want it, don't have it. - No, I want it.
I can definitely afford it, it's just a matter of...
Is it the right dress?
Could we bring it back?
If there's something wrong with it, say, after this coming Sunday?
We don't do refunds.
But if it didn't fit?
- Well, she should try it on. - I know. What if she got fat?
- By Sunday? - No. What if...
the stitch in there was to be pulled apart slightly.
Just kind of apart. Just normal...
Wear and tear. The...
Sweat rot, under the old armpit.
Cuts through the old stitches.
Could we...
Let's make absolutely sure, okay? Always good to be sure.
Sorry about this.
You're not thinking.
I'm gonna ask you a question now. Consider the answer.
Do you really want me to spend £2,500 on that dress?
She does!
We all learnt a lesson today.
There's a chance it won't fit.
It's not even tax deductible.
Do you do...
celebrity discount?
- I don't know who she is. - She's nobody!
You having a laugh?
No, we don't do discount.
Not "are you having a laugh". Watch this and comprehend.
Are you having a laugh?
Does no one here know...
Is she having a laugh?
- Oh, yeah, you're from that sitcom. - Correct.
Any good?
Not really.
It's a bit broad. Relies on catch-phrases and funny wigs.
Sorry, did I ask for a critique?
's like coming round to the store and me saying you ain't swept up right, mate.
Unbelievable.
So you don't do celebrity discount?
Not 1%? Can you give me 1%?
Okay, I'll do you a 1% discount.
What's that?
On 2, 500? 25£.
Not worth it.
I'd rather you stuck it on, if anything.
Well, shall we just leave it as it is?
That's your Christmas and birthday!
Never have spent that much.
Those are £600. They're very expensive.
I was laughing they weren't expensive enough.
That's what tickled me when I first saw the 600...
What do you think?
- Do you think it's alright? - Yeah.
Can I get it?
- Will you win tonight? - Oh, it's just...
- flattering to be nominated. - Is that your girlfriend?
Alright.
Always tell journalists the truth, let them change the facts later.
And who are you wearing?
Maggie.
- No. - Who are you wearing?
Maggie Jacobs.
- No, whose dress is that? - Me.
Okay, thank you, she won the competition.
Don't speak to anyone else tonight. Not even to me.
Toby Anstis.
Have you ever eaten a worm?
I don't even know what a "worrum" is.
There's a 'R' in it. You should prrronounce it.
Old girlfriend.
- You alright? - I'm good, thanks.
- You do well! - Yeah, all downhill for me.
Were you...
Are you BAFTA tonight?
Yeah, as part of "The Hobby".
- Good luck with... - Thanks.
- And good luck to you. - Absolutely.
- Yeah, I'll see you later. - Good luck with the...
- Good luck. - See you later. Cheers.
- Who was that? - The most boring woman in the world.
Really? How do you know her?
I went out with her for a while when I was an extra on Holby City.
- And she dumped you? - No, I dumped her!
- You dumped her? - Yes.
- Really? - Yes, it does happen.
- When was this? - Couple of years ago.
Was it before or after you lost your virginity to the one
- that looked like Ronnie Corbett? - After, obviously! It was 2 years ago.
So you lost your virginity a long time ago then, did you?
- I'm in my fourties! - I know, but when?
- A long time ago! - That's exactly... What age?
- I don't know. - What, sixteen?
Seventeen?
Were you older than that?
What is it with all these questions? I lost my virginity, full stop!
Why were you attracted to Ronnie Corbet?
I wasn't. She started to look like Ronnie Corbett.
It was the bank's Christmas do, I was drunk, alright?
At the bank's Christmas do?
But you didn't start working until you were 28.
Who are you, Columbo?
Leave it!
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage...
Davina McCall!
Good evening, and welcome to the British Academy Television Awards.
And in front of me,
our whole host of understandbly anxious stars wondering
whether they're going to walk away with that most coveted of awards,
the BAFTA mask.
Now, to our first category this evening, it is the...
I also want to thank our inspiring and bossy...
...goes to... Oh, my favourite, "Jamie's Prison Dinners"!
...terrific production team. You are family and thanks...
...newspaper, our TV news rooms have to remain impartial...
The winner is... "The woman who gave birth to herself!"
The white in my eyeline, on all fours,
- like a dog... - The BAFTA goes to...
"South Bank Show, Dick & Dom special".
- Everything alright here? - We could do with...
some more wine please, waiter.
Comedy gold. Absolute comedy gold.
No, I'm actually here in official capacity
for the Best Drama nomination.
For Paul Abbott's, "Cock of the North".
- I imagine you saw it. - I didn't.
I had quite a large part.
It was good, you know. Best Drama.
The Holy Grail. BAFTAs.
And you're... of course, you're here with your sitcom.
- Good luck. - And you, mate.
It deserves, you know, it's... I understand it's very popular.
Good luck, mate.
- I'd better get back. - See you later.
Drams crowds, as it were.
- Catch you later. - Cheers, mate.
Many of you at home and in this room
probably don't recognise Len Shearman.
But you certainly recognize his work.
Len was one of the most influential and passionate drama producers
in the history of television.
Excuse me.
Oh, for f...
- Sorry I'm a bit late... - Shut up!
Richard Briers!
I'm a bit a late cause I was waiting for this,
which is the prototype of the Ray doll.
I don't care.
There he is.
Who's gonna buy that?
Like I said before, stupid people.
- Who are these stupid people? - That's brilliant, can you buy them?
You'll be able to buy them.
What're you doing?
I was with Len...
only a few days before the end.
Is he having a laugh?
And he didn't have long...
Just take the batteries out.
I need a tiny screwdriver...
His wife... He leaves his lovely wife...
Tacky shit!
Don't do that.
Put the trousers on.
Andy's friend, Maggie.
He didn't introduce us, so hello.
God, you two used to go out!
For about ten minutes.
Why did he let you go? Look at you, all lovely!
Bit of a catch for him.
A man that didn't lose his virginity 'til he was 20
and that was to a woman who looked like Ronnie Corbett.
What did you say when he said he couldn't go out with you anymore
'cause he thought you were boring?
He said it was because I was boring?
He told me it was because he just came out of a long-term relationship,
he wasn't ready for something else.
Not boring. He didn't say you were boring.
He said that the BAF...
The ceremony, the clapping...
That it was gonna be boring, 'cause...
Coming up, we have the prestigious BAFTA Fellowship, but first,
the award for Comedy Performance,
to please will you welcome Harry Hill!
Commiserations again, Andy.
I knew I wouldn't win. I'm not into the awards anyway...
Still, it's nice to have some recognition from one's peers, isn't it?
Listen, it's not really my business, but...
Have you considered doing something without a laughter track?
They're considered rather old-fashioned.
You know, if you wanna pick up one of these old gongs.
Not bothered, as I say. Not in it for the awards...
But wigs and silly glasses? A bit undignified for men of our age.
- We're not the same age, but... Cheers. - Looks a bit desperate.
- Is all I'm saying. - I don't feel desperate.
As I say, it's a knock-about comedy. I'm not into high arts.
But as Oscar Wilde so wonderfully put it,
"we're all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."
It was probably about men's trousers, the old puff.
Sorry?
He was looking at the... stars, yeah.
That's right. I'm off to look at some stars myself right now.
You'll be seing stars in a minute.
- What? - Nothing.
Why do you keep coming back in?
Come in here, it's all kicking off in here.
I'm not coming in there.
What are you doing? What?
Who's that?
How you doing, alright?
He's one of us, don't worry.
I'm not into this.
Just have a little bit, it'll cheer you up.
What's going on in there?
I'm just finishing up, excuse me for five minutes!
Why're you doing a woman's voice?
How many people are in there?
- One. - That's a different voice!
Two, including the woman you just heard.
Open the door.
Let me explain. I was here and I was leaving,
- and he... That's my agent. - Darren Lamb, nice to meet you.
You shouldn't say your name, never tell'em your name.
Well, he knows who...
It was your fault.
Why?
Because he saw your head over the cubicle door.
They saw your head under the door.
There's no point in argumenting ourselves with...
Well, well, well... The three Stooges.
Sorry, something funny?
- Your joke... - Shut up.
Corbett.
It's always bloody Corbett.
It's expected of him.
You're the new kid on the block, aren't you?
How did you fall in with this crowd?
Is this it? Or is there any more?
Just a bit of whizz you know, to blow away the cobwebs.
Hand it over.
Where did you get it?
Don't remember.
Don't piss me up, Grandma. Where did you get it?
Don't remember.
Is it Moira Stuart?
I can't say.
Look, we don't want you.
Just give us a name, and you can walk free.
You don't get it, mate, do you? I don't remember!
Alright, here's something you will remember.
You're banned from BAFTA.
You can never win a BAFTA now.
- What, me as well? - Yeah, all of you.
You can never attend any of our varied events,
you can't come to the Film BAFTAs, you can't come to the TV BAFTAs.
You can't even come to the Children's BAFTAs.
What about Welsh BAFTAs?
Would you attend the Welsh BAFTAs if you were asked?
Probably. Okay, expect a call. He'll come to the Welsh BAFTAs if you want.
Yeah, we're after... you know, more respected comedians.
Makes sense.
Get out of my sight. That's all of you, yeah?
"Makes sense"?
I reckon I could've had him in a fight.
You f... idiot.
And the winner is...
"Holby City"!
Thank you all, very very much indeed.
I'd like to thank...
Is that the girl you lost your virgnity to?
Who?
That one that looks like Ronnie Corbett.
That is Ronnie Corbett.
Why would she be wearing a tuxedo?
She might be a lesbian.
And why would I lose my virginity to a lesbian?
Don't know, but she might have turned lesbian after you slept with her.
...on a personal note, thank you to my partner, once again...
Well, I can never win a BAFTA, as long as I live.
- Why? - I don't wanna talk about it.
This is a shitty night. Can't get any worse, though.
I'd just like to say to Andy Millman...
Right?
I may be boring,
but at least I didn't lose my virginity when I was 28!
To a woman that looks like Ronnie fucking Corbett!
Prick!
No explanations needed.
What's up next?
Huw Wheldon Award for Specialist Factual. Brilliant.
Subtitles: Quarkienette & Nathbot
www.seriessub.com Watch the credits till the end ;)
- Can we get a cab? - No, we walk.
I'm joking.
Sell the dress, we can get a limo.
Can I get an autograph, please?
Jay Sproten.
(Moira Stuart)
www.tvsubtitles.net