Oh, it says here I'm going to meet a handsome man with bags of personality.
I told you, I'm married.
I still can't believe you got somebody to marry you.
Don't be too amazed. You haven't seen her.
RAY: Bloody hell, Kimberley. Are you still doing that timesheet?
-Hurry up. -It's complicated, Mr Stokes.
Are you having a laugh? Is she having a laugh?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You know it gives me a headache if it's too hard.
Funny. That's what the wife said to me yesterday.
I said, "Don't flatter yourself, love. That's not hard. It died years ago.
"That's rigor mortis."'
Andy Millman as Ray Stokes
in a scene from BBC One's new sitcom When The Whistle Blows.
The catchphrase is "Are you having a laugh?" Did you, Germaine Greer?
Oh, for goodness sake, why me? Why do you make me watch this stuff?
This was sexist, misogynistic, Neanderthal garbage.
It was nothing but really nasty sub Carry On innuendo.
And it seems that this talentless Millman individual also wrote the script. Wrote?
-It's supposed to have a writer? -I think he needs a defender. Mark Kermode.
I think Germaine's being flattering about it. I thought it was absolutely horrible.
Oh, I get the idea. They all seemed to like it.
No, I don't think so. I think they're slagging you off.
Yeah. I'm being sarcastic.
Everyone involved should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.
Why did Germaine Greer and all those feminists burn their bras?
What was going on there?
Well, it was a symbolic gesture to suggest emancipation from a patriarchal society.
But I thought a bra was supposed to help a lady,
stop her getting backache, or whatever.
You couldn't tell them at the time. They were furious.
I bet they're kicking themselves now, aren't they?
I bet their boobs are all saggy round their ankles.
Sorry. Can we concentrate on the matter at hand?
I was going to say, the weird thing is
that the worse the reviews are, the better the ratings.
It's strange. I was thinking about all those people that are making
really great programmes, but not getting half the audience that you're getting,
and thinking, "Oh, wouldn't it be great to work with them
"'cause they get a load of critical respect and everything."'
Then I thought, "No, I'd much prefer working with you because you've," erm...
"You've sold out."' Do you know what I mean?
We're all making a fast buck now, which is great,
because I don't want to be doing this for the rest of my life.
I do want to be doing this for the rest of my life, actually.
Do you know how exhausting it is getting panned by the critics every week?
I've got no respect and why should I have? I'm not an actor. I shout a catchphrase.
Do you know why I got into acting in the first place? Robert De Niro.
Do you think he'd be impressed with wigs, shouting the same thing every week? No.
He's got a body of work he can look back on and be proud of.
That's what I want. Get me something I can be proud of.
-Has anything classy come in? -Well, funny you should say that.
BBC are doing more of those modern adaptations of Shakespeare.
Right.
-Doing King Lear. -Okay. Who's playing Lear?
-Robson Green. -No.
Get me some real Shakespeare. Get me any play.
A play always sorts out an actor whose career's struggling,
or they always pretend it was their first love and they do a bit of theatre
and it gives them a bit of cred. Get me a play. The play's the thing.
I'm going to write down play, Bar, all right?
I'm going to put this in an email so you remember as well.
I've got the worst management in the world. Do you know what I mean?
-Yeah. -I'm successful now.
I'm still surrounded by the D team. I want the A Team.
It's hard though, isn't it? I mean, they're hiding in the Los Angeles underground, so...
-Not The A-Team. -That's what you said.
No. They're fictional characters.
I thought it was a bit weird you mentioned them.
-I didn't. I meant the phrase. -What phrase?
The A team. It means the best possible people for the job, doesn't it?
What about The Six Million Dollar Man? Was that a phrase?
No. That was very specific to him because he cost six million dollars.
No, no, no. That could have been a phrase.
Like, "Oh, look at him. He's a right old six million dollar man, isn't he?"
When would you ever say that?
If you saw a man that could run fast and see really well out of one eye.
What's the chance of that? What is the chance of that ever happening?
I don't know. I didn't make up the phrase, did l?
-It's not a phrase. It's, oh... -See you down there.
See you later.
Oh, Liza, before you go, could you sign that picture for me?
Yeah.
What's your name again, love?
Don't worry about it. If you can't remember my name, it really doesn't matter.
No. I've just forgotten 'cause there's so many people.
Right. So have you forgotten his name, then?
Or do you remember the actors, but not the little people?
I've been doing your hair and make-up for five weeks!
-I'm very sorry. I just... -It's fine, it's fine. Doesn't matter.
-I've got a terrible memory. -Don't worry about it. Don't worry.
Okay.
Sorry.
God. What a bitch.
Do you know, it's always the same with some of these people.
"Oh, I'm on the telly, so I'm more important than the fucking crew."'
-Makes me sick. -I know. What can you do?
(MOUTHS)
-Oh, Andy, by the way. -Yeah.
Can you sign me a picture?
Can you sign that?
-This one? -Yeah.
(CLEARING THROAT)
-Who's it to? -Oh, it's just to me.
Uh...
What shall I put, though? To...?
To me and, I don't know, best wishes or whatever.
Erm...
-What? Do you not want to sign that? -No, with pleasure. It's just...
I was just thinking, erm, I don't want to spell your name wrong.
-How are you spelling it? -Oh, it's just the usual.
Okay, let's go for it. Erm, oh, can't do it with that, though.
Let me go to the dressing room. I've got a magic marker.
-Oh, I've got a magic marker. -Have you?
In my bag.
Thanks. Right...
Let's start with me first.
Andy Millman. Work backwards. Best wishes.
I mean that, "To..."'
and then your name.
Oh, right, sorry. Before we do that.
Sorry about this, must... No, hold on.
Let me do this and we can get on with it.
Good.
-Do you want to get this done? -Yep.
I'm really conscious of time. I've got to get back down to the set.
Right, yeah, no. No, I know.
What's your name?
Well, you'll see what it is now because Andy is about to write it down.
-Oh. -Oh, stop blowing.
-Well... -You don't know my name, do you?
-It's not that I don't know it. -Yeah? What is it, then?
-What, in this context? -Oh, forget it.
Honestly, forget it. It doesn't matter.
I've got to get down to set. Just unbelievable.
Un-fucking-believable.
-She was upset. -Yes. She was.
You knew I didn't know her name. I said to you, "l don't know her name,"
-so why did you give me the magic marker? -Just because you needed one.
No, no. That was an excuse to leave and ask someone her name, wasn't it?
That's clever! I'd never have thought to do that.
-What are you doing? -Smell that. Nice fabric conditioner.
I like smells. Do you know, I once had this bar of soap
and it smelt so nice that I bit into it because I wanted to see what it tasted like.
It just tasted of soap.
Andy, reception say they've got a guy here who says he knows you.
-Oh, God. Who is it? -He says he went to school with you.
-Steve Sherwood. -Steve Sherwood?
-Who is it? -That's what he said.
-What? He's here now? -Yeah.
-Can he come through? -Yeah.
-Hiya, can you send that guy up? -Who's that?
He was like the coolest kid in the school. Everyone wanted to be like him.
-Even you? -I suppose so. Yeah.
-What does he do now? -I think he's something big in the city...
-You could still do that! -I don't want to be like him now, do l?
I'm doing really well. He probably wants to be like me, if anything.
He definitely doesn't want to be like you.
Andy Pandy, you little fat poofter. Hey, poofter.
Hold on, hold on. You're with a pretty girl.
There can only be one explanation. Are you a prostitute, darling?
Pretty girl.
-So you're doing all right? -Yeah, not bad.
-Is this the missus? -No.
Why do you protest so much?
What, you find the idea so repulsive? She's an attractive lady.
Stop it.
You know we always thought you were gay at school.
No, you didn't. Why?
-You never had a girlfriend. -Not in front of you, I didn't.
Oh, so you had a girlfriend, did you?
-Yes. -No, not until he was 28.
-28? -And she looked like Ronnie Corbett.
-Not this again. -Ronnie Corbett?
No, it's... Why do you think I'm gay?
-You don't, do you? I'm not... -Well, you are an actor.
-That is the gayest profession. -Yeah. I think rent boy's gayer.
-Yeah, well, I wouldn't know. -Well, of course it is...
Oh, you tell me, you seem to know all about rent boys.
Oh, I'm not gay. I never have been, I never will be.
Let's...
nip that in the bud.
Andy! Oh, for fuck's... What am I doing?
What are you sitting on that little chair for?
-Just, well, that one's dangerous. -What do you want?
Erm, the play.
-I was talking to one of my contacts. -You mean Barry from East Enders?
Yeah, and he's got a friend who's an actor
who's just had a meeting with Sir Ian McClellan, who's directing a new play.
So I put in some calls and you've got
-a meeting with McClellan on Wednesday. -Really?
-Yeah. -There's some nice birds round here.
Suppose so.
-Andy, we'll be ready in about five minutes. -Cheers.
-Five minutes is all I need. -What?
Steve Sherwood. What's your name?
-Susie. -Nice to meet you, Susie.
-What time do you finish here? -About 10:00.
Right, do you mind if I give you a call?
-Sure, okay. -What's your number?
-Speak to you later. -Okay.
Player. Respect, man. Darren Lamb, agent to Andy Millman.
-This is Steve Sherwood, friend of mine. -Are you a friend of his?
I don't think so. This guy's an absolute player. Respect again.
Listen, if we're talking about the honeys. There's a chick I've got my eye on actually.
-Who? -Her.
-Maggie. -Maggie? Forget it.
Yeah, from what I've heard, she's pretty easy.
Yeah. She's not that easy. Good luck.
How would you approach it? I mean, what sort of...
Just walk straight up to her and say, "I've been admiring you from afar for a long time
"and I haven't said anything, but I would love to take you out one night
"and see if we have as good a time as I think we will.
"Would you like to have dinner with me sometime?"
-Bang. -Okay.
-Don't think about it. Just do it. -Just do it.
No. Don't do it, please.
-Well, he says do it. -Get over there. Go on.
Oh, look at him.
-Maggie, hello, sorry to... -Hi.
Erm, just wanted to let you know that I've been watching you secretly
without you knowing and I would be very keen to spend the night with you
and see if you enjoy it as much as I know I will and, erm,
happy to pay for it as well if, you know, for dinner, if you want to, if you eat dinner...
Obviously you eat dinner.
-Are you asking me out? -Yeah.
-What, and cook me dinner? -I can cook you dinner if you want, yeah.
-Can you cook? -Yes.
-Yeah, okay, then. -Really?
-Yeah. -Okay, cool.
-I'll give you a call, shall l? -Yeah.
-See you later. -Bye.
-What did she say? -She said yes.
Really? Oh, my God. It's worse than I thought.
-She's hit rock bottom. -Yes, she has.
Do you know what? I've never seen him even try and chat up a woman.
No, no, because I wouldn't do it in front of you, would l?
I'm actually beginning to think he might be a bit gay.
-Join the club. -No. Don't join any club because I'm not.
Sure, you could chat up a woman right now.
-Yes, if I wanted to. -Go on, then.
-I don't want to. -We've both done it.
-Go on. This one coming now, go on. -No, no, no, no.
(IMITATING CHICKEN CLUCKING)
Hi.
Hi, do you know what, er, time we finish tonight?
Oh, I don't know. About 10:00-ish, I think.
10:00, hey...
(SPLUTTERING)
Just wanted to know what time we finished. Cheers. That was unlucky.
(GASPING)
She answered me and everything. 10:00, she said.
You know, are you still... Sparkling.
She definitely noticed.
(COUGHING)
McKELLEN: Tilly, I thought she was interesting.
That... That's better. That one.
-Hello. -Hello, Andy Millman.
-Andy, do sit down. -It's a pleasure to meet you, Sir Ian.
Please, no titles in the workplace. Thank you.
Andy Millman.
Good, good.
Not much theatre work of late?
-No, no. -No, that's fine.
You're in good hands here.
How do I act so well?
What I do is I pretend to be
the person I'm portraying in the film or play.
Yeah.
-You're confused. It's perfectly simple. -No.
Case in point, Lord of the Rings. Peter Jackson comes from New Zealand,
says to me, "Sir Ian, I want you to be Gandalf the wizard."'
And I say to him, "You are aware that I am not really a wizard."'
And he said, "Yes, I am aware of that. What I want you to do
"is to use your acting skills to portray the wizard for the duration of the film."'
So I said, "Okay."'
And then I said to myself, "Hmm, how would I do that?"
And this is what I did.
I imagined what it would be like to be a wizard
and then I pretended
and acted in that way on the day.
-Yeah. -And how did I know what to say?
(WHISPERING) The words were written down for me in a script.
How did I know where to stand? People told me.
If we were to draw a graph of my process, of my method,
it would be something like this. Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian, action!
"Wizard, you shall not pass!" Cut. Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian.
-Okay, do you see? -Yeah.
Now, you would be pretending to be John in this play.
And how would you know what to say? Well, the words will be in the script.
-Yeah. -And you would learn the words.
You would not have the script on the night.
And that goes for everybody. There will be no scripts on the night.
-You'll learn the words. -Yeah, l...
And you will speak them as if you were saying them for the first time.
-I didn't think we would have the script. -No, you won't.
Because if you did have the script, it would break the illusion
-and the whole thing is illusion. Do you see? -Of course.
-You are not really John. -No, I know.
You are pretending and that is acting.
What's the...
What's the play about?
It's a new play by Charley, Charley Heyward. And as I say, you would be the part of John.
And you're in love with Fran.
And the whole centrepiece of the play is the emotional confrontation
where the two of you address those unspoken feelings...
-Okay. -...that you've been bottling up.
-That sounds challenging. Yeah. -Oh, I hope so.
And, I don't know, is it anything that you'd be interested in?
-Oh, definitely, yeah, yeah, yeah. -Great.
So let me introduce you to the team.
-There's Fran, who's your lover. -Yeah.
-Leslie. Leslie, this is Andy. -Good to meet you.
-You're Fran? Fran's a man? -Yes.
It can be because Fran Healy out of Travis.
-What? -Yep.
And our clever little writer, Charley.
Who's a woman!
-I'm Fran's lover in this? -Yes. Fran.
Can l... Can I have a quick look at the script just before... Yeah.
No one said anything about that...
And I don't know if you'd be happy to do this...
Yeah. I just want to...
We thought we might do a little workshop
of some of the lines, you know, get it up on its feet.
Kick it around a bit, I don't know. Do you have time for that?
-Yeah. Yeah. -Andy?
Can I get you something?
-Some water, cup of tea? -Yeah, yeah. Tea.
-George, will you get Andy a cup of tea? -Yeah, no problem.
George. Of course.
All right?
Moron.
-What? Are you talking to me? -Yeah, I'm talking to you.
-Why didn't you tell me it was a gay play? -What... What gay?
The play I'm in that you got me, A Month Of Summers.
It's a gay play. I've got to play a gay with another gay, acting all gay,
all through the play. It's... It's so gay.
Do not worry. Do you know why? Gay, my friend, is all the rage.
-What does that mean? -Let me tell you what it means.
It will show you are sensitive. It will show that you are versatile, all right?
Case in point, Mr Thomas Hanks, okay? Now people weren't interested in Tom Hanks
and suddenly he does that film, Philadelphia, yeah.
Remember in that film he played a skinny little bent fellow, remember?
After that, everyone loved him. Do you know what I mean?
Or those two guys from Brokeback Mountain. They're not even gay.
I was watching that, right, and they were getting off with each other.
Oh, I was sick to the stomach.
They were so convincing that even though I was going,
"They're not really queer, they're not really queer,"
I was still repulsed because of how good they were.
When did you go and see Brokeback Mountain?
I watched it on DVD with Bar.
I don't know.
(BOYS KEEP SWINGING PLAYING)
John, I love you.
I know.
Yes. That's lovely.
Thanks.
Hi. Can I just check there are some tickets for, uh,
my colleagues from the BBC who should be coming down.
Damon Beesley plus one and lain Morris plus one.
-Yeah. We've got them. -Oh, great, okay, well...
-Andy Pandy! -Oh.
You remember these boys from school, don't you? Nobby, Boss Hogg, Gut Rot.
(STAMMERING) What are you doing here?
-You're not here for the play, are you? -Yeah. We've got tickets.
Oh, not your type of thing.
No, no, no. We're looking forward to it. What's it about?
It's all feelings and emotions. I'm just here for the...
Oh, no. Oh, God, look at that. Poofters at 1 2:00.
What can you do?
-Is that your audience, is it? -No way.
-Andy? Hiya! -Fans.
-Thanks for sorting out tickets, love. -No worries.
Why are you sorting the Village People out with tickets?
Village People!
-Guess who! -Bunny. Christ!
I couldn't miss my little genie's first grown-up play.
Oh, you do hang around with all the butch boys, don't you?
Hello, I'm Bunny.
-He was... He was... How's the wife? -Oh, gone. I was living a lie and she knew it.
But now I'm able to go out and enjoy some serious cock, guilt free.
Yuma, yuma, yuma, yuma. Break a leg.
I'm going to, er, go down, get changed.
Come down for a few beers if you want, but don't hang around for this shit.
-Hello. -Hi.
-How are you doing? -Good.
I've just been talking to Leslie and we think it would be better
if at the end of act two, you were to kiss each other.
-No. -No?
Leslie and you kiss each other at the end of act two?
-Ah. No, no. -No?
-No. Why? -Because it's too obvious.
Oh, now, dear. Don't forget you've finally been able
-to express your feelings... -Yeah.
...toward each other for the first time in 20 years
and I think a kiss would be a sort of physicalisation of this emotional liberation.
You know, your freedom to show the world what you are.
Not the whole world, though.
Let's... Let's give them a clue, but let's keep it subtle.
-Oh, no. -Yeah.
-But if he just leans over you... -Yeah.
Kisses me on the cheek, shake hands, curtain comes down.
Bravo, encore. What a brilliantly directed play. Well done!
Well, thank you, dear. No, dear, he must kiss you on the lips.
-No. He can't kiss me on the lips. -Why is that?
-Cold sore. -Where?
-Yeah, opening night. Sod's law. -What, let me see.
-You can't really... It's underneath. -No!
-Don't you worry about that. -I do worry about that.
We'll soon sort that out. Old theatre trick. Yeah.
George, can you get us some Vaseline?
DARREN: Hello, all right? MAGGIE: Hello, yes.
DARREN: Come in, come through. This is the crib.
-So, um... -God, it's big!
-No, it's... Well, er, yes. Yeah, it's all right. -It's nice, isn't it?
-I've bought you... -Oh, thank you very much. Is that red or...
It's red, but I'll drink anything.
-No. I got red myself. -Oh, right, okay.
So obviously we're both fans of red.
-Fine. -I quite like wine.
I like anything, me.
Sorry. Do you want me to take your coat because it's quite hot in here?
-Because of the cooking. -It's a nice smell.
Yeah, no, it's... Well, we're going sort of... Sort of Oriental.
-Will I just hang it up? -Yeah, just hang it up, yeah.
(SEAGULLS CALLING)
Come on, Fran! You're like an old lady.
I stopped to pick up this shell. Look.
-It's beautiful. -IT is.
Do you remember the first time we came here?
-Yeah, with Paul. -Yeah.
-Ah, bloody sea. -Why are you so scared of the sea?
I'm not scared of the sea. It's just when it gets in your shoes,
the salt-water just rots away the stitches and they fall apart
-and you... You have to throw them away. -Are you still talking about the sea?
-Of course. What else? -You're mad.
I'm going back to the beach house.
Fran! Wait for me!
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
-Ooh. -Yeah.
You've got to go like that. It kept getting caught.
-Christmas? -Yeah.
-That's not a proper Christmas. -No. It's just... I like the sound of it.
I know, but you can't have a proper Christmas dinner in Ibiza.
(TOILET FLUSHING)
-Are you okay? -Yeah, just waiting for the cistern to refill.
Just left a bit of...
Didn't, you know, flush away completely. So... Anyway...
-Are you going to sit down? -No,
'cause it's on my mind, to be honest, so...
-Okay, right, right. -I want to get it sorted.
-Is that all right? -Yes. Just...
Let's have another go.
(TOILET FLUSHING)
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Don't worry about it.
Do you know, I don't want you to have to see it.
I don't want you to have to worry about it.
That'll sort it.
I was just mashing it up.
You kept the shell?
Of course I did. You gave it to me.
It wasn't mine to give.
I kept it anyway.
Nearer the knee.
John, I love you.
In the play. I know.
-I'm going to kiss you. -No point.
Silly. Sometimes I don't know what you're talking about.
We do, we agreed. If any nonsense happens, I'm going home!
Let's just have a lovely evening
and appreciate the stars and the moon as agreed, okay?
So just run to the next bit.
It's not going to happen.
Who the fuck's that?
What are you doing? It's like Deliverance in here.
What are you playing at?
I said I wouldn't do the kiss.
McClellan comes to me five minutes before and drops that bombshell on me.
"Oh, we'd like you to do the kiss."' Not my cup of tea, mate.
And then all that. And him a knight of the realm.
Do you want to do the end bit without that? Oh, he's got the hump.
No understudy, so I'm afraid that's the end of the run. Sorry about that.
We'd nearly finished anyway, to be fair. Only about five minutes to go, wasn't there?
All you missed was, er, we find out me and Fran were both having it off with Paul.
Do you remember Paul we mentioned earlier?
Paul killed himself 'cause he was wracked with guilt
about doing both of us behind the other one's back.
So...
She's writing all this down. That's not very good, is it?
Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?
Not my audience, so what?