Day 7 : All the housemates are in the kitchen
(Screaming and fighting in the background)
Rita, what on earth are you doing?
I'm learning to play the recorder
Why?
Well, it's the school's idea, they say that every now and then, you should swap places with your child
So each of you gets to see how the other half lives So I知 learning how to play the recorder
What's your daughter's doing?
Oh, she's sat at home with a bottle of gin, thinking about her failed marriage
Rita, you're a card
Yeah, the Joker
Oh, it' no good, it's too difficult
Rita, I used to play the recorder at school, let me help your learn
Thank you Brance Okay, so...
Yes Mr. Yamaguchi... No Mr. Yamaguchi...
Can I just say, one more time, I知 velly velly solly
I mean, very very sorry. I'll talk to you too, I'll talk to you, good bye
Rita, just relax...
But it's so hard...
Just take it in your hand...
...and blow...
Don't suck...
Oh, that's good.
What the bloody hell is going on here
Oh, sorry Mr. Stokes I don't know when I知 blowing or when I知 sucking
She's learning to play the recorder, Mr. Stokes
What does it record? Hein?
What does it record?
it doesn't record anything
Why is it called a recorder for, then? I don't get it
Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?
Ah, sometimes Gobbler...
Raymond... Oh my god !
What is it? Raymond...
It's only my bloody twin sister
Hello Raymond
What are you doing here?
A younger gets lonely. Maybe still but what are YOU doing here?
Mr. Millman... What?
Hello there, sorry to bother you, I saw you in here, my name is Richard, I知 the manager
You've got to help me Why?
Would you mind signing a few of these? What, now?
They're not moving...
Just as many as you can manage, if you sign ten, that's ten more chances of selling
I thought the public would lap this tat up for Christmas but they're more discerning than I thought
Even the Kramer doll are selling better than this one
I'm out there Jerry, and I'm loooving it !
Shut up ! Fifty years ago they had you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass !
Cheap and ugly, isn't it? I suppose that's the problem
It is ugly
Are you having a laugh?
Who to thought people would eventually find that irritating?
The thing is, you got to order these things like a year in advance
Still...I won't make the same mistake again. No.
I'll make my money back next Christmas
I've ordered ten thousand Sanjaya dolls
Ah, you're laughing then, aren't you?
What would you rather do, right?
Never celebrate Christmas ever or have Christmas every day?
If it's Christmas every day, what do I have to do?
Nothing, it's Christmas, you just sit at home, watching the TV, having the day off
What, so no one works, there no industry, no government, it's chaos
So you've rather never celebrate Christmas?
Yeah, if that was the choice
So you'll be Jewish, they don't celebrate Christmas
Why would I suddenly be Jewish? I don't know what you're talking about...
ready?
yes
Look, it's Greg, in a film. Oh, come on, we can't watch TV in the day
No, no wait, I want to see
No man has the right to kill his brother It is no excuse to do so in uniform
It merely adds the infamy of servitude,
to the crime of murder
I love Clive Owen
Ugf...Clive...good name for a film star
If we must have a tyrant, let him at least be a gentleman bred to the business,
and let us fall by the axe, and not by the butcher's cleaver
Greg seems good in it
It'll be a bit part
I'm joined by Clive Owen and Greg Lindley Jones, the two leads in the film
He's one of the leads
in a terrible film
I thought the film was brilliant
He thought it was brilliant Oh, I can hear?
Greg, you play Shelly. And I have to say, it's one of the most exciting performance I think I've ever seen
How was it for you working with such an established star as Clive Owen?
Let me say, he is such a down to earth guy, he's just so real
We had a good time I had a great time
I know a lot of people are saying that but we really really did get along well
I can't believe you persuaded me to do these things,
they're not even selling apparently cause they're embarrassing...
loads are lying around in bargain bins for ages. Cheap tat
Well yeah but they cut the prices to try and shift a few
but the good thing is that because they all so cheap to manufacture, we still get paid 40 p a time...
cause they're made in sweat shops.
Oh, thanks god for the exploitation of 10 years old children
Absolutely. And the funny thing is of course that your key demographic as well is in the kids
so even if they doing like a 14 hours a day, it's probably living a hell of a time
you know, pressing "You having a laugh?". They're probably enjoying themselves 'cause it's nice
I hope it doesn't distract them from their work, they would get a beating
I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna hear this
Don't listen to him, they wouldn't work there if they didn't like it
I don't think they got a lot of choice, to be honest
As Henri Matisse once said : " The right happiness in oneself from a good day of work for illuminating the fog that surrounds us"
Oh yeah? What are you working on today?
I'm trying to get this dog muck out of a shoe, it's a nightmare
Next door is Great Dane, the stench is unbelievable
I've seen him feeding eggs, oil boiled eggs, to a dog, it's mad
Really, I don't care I don't want to be associated with this sort of staff
To the general public, there is no difference between me and that doll
What? Little fat ugly thing? Pathetic? No? No, I put on...
I'll put on a wig and shot a catch phrase
I want to be associated with credible stuff
Oh, yeah, we've had offers. Part in the BBC's jewel in the crown, Dr Who
no
Hotel Babylon?
No, I don't want to do...camp, frothy nonsense
I want to do something classy
Celebrity Big Brother've been on the phone
You're not listening? It's good money... Not in a million years
What about films? What happen to films?
We did have a call. Have you heard about this Byron film that everyone is raving about?
Yeah Well, they making a sequel, should be classy, should be good
It's about what it's mean to be a man, it's about honor, it's about integrity
They wanted you to go into an audition Right
Obviously I said no
What do you mean you said no?
Well they were asking for someone who was either 36, handsome, dashing and I presumed they had to be taller than you.
So I thought it was safe... Always do the audition
Look at you, that's insane, I might as well send Barry
Call them back and say you have the perfect person for the part Who?
Me ! No, I don't want to waste their time
Why should I have to persuade my agent to get me an audition? It should be the other way around
If I send you, they'll think I don't know what I'm doing
Oh, no one could thinks you don't know what you're doing. You're a total waste of space and shouldn't even be in the industry
Well thanks, maybe you'll be surprised
Get me the audition
Okay, that's a ten minutes break everyone, sandwiches are over here
Could you just let the actors and the crew have theirs first, please
Can you hold on?
Are you Maggie? Yes
Andy wants to see you in his dressing room
What, now? Yeah
Chop chop
Oh, hello Mrs. Millman, is Andy in?
It's a face pack, don't laugh at me now What is this for?
For a film For a film, it comes for a film?
Help me out, don't comment
Is that a girdle?
No, it just helps firm up the...
Flab? Right, come on in, quick
Are you serious? Oh my god... Yeah, come on
That's not gonna work Jesus Christ, of course it is
I don't hear you laugh, don't hear you laugh
Now go on in, oh I'm going right on Where do your organs go?
Do They just get closer together or am I gonna cough up a kidney in the audition?
Andrew Millman You looking good
Been working out, ain't it?
I'm sorry, I must declare an interest. Actually me and Andy are very old friends, we...
we've been climbing the slippery showbiz ladder together
Some of us, got a little further than others...
Anyway, I won't be biased
So, which role are we all here for? Henri Milligan
Hang on Copy, Henri Milligan says here age 36...
Yeah, I took that as meaning he's in his late thirties
We'll change it to late thirties
Hang on, Henri Milligan says here late thirties...
Should we do one? Yeah
Do you want to stand up? Yes, easy
Ah, Henri Milligan, allow me to introduce myself
Your reputation precedes you sir, and it's one...the...
Sorry, sorry, can we stop proceeding. Something seems to have happened to Andy's midriff
Can we just rewind that and see what happened? I don't know if everyone else saw that?
Hey, it's his belly. Andy, did your diaphragm just collapsed?
Andy seems to have scuttled off...
Allo it's me, leave a message after the tone and I値l get back to you. Did that record?
I, it's me, do you fancy some lunch, at the Ivy, half 8. I can tell you all about my brilliant audition
Alright, give us a call back. Cheers, bye
Andy Millman
Alright Bunny? What are you doing?
waiting...
waiting...for what? Cock !
never too early for that, is it?
Don't you know about this area?
No, I just moved in
This area is famous for it, I'm here all the time
This is known as the waiting bench
Oh, by the way, loving the show
cheers
You having a laugh?
Keep walking, keep walking !
She'll never get anything in the daylight
Alright Bunny? Alright George
any action?
I only got 20 minutes actually, I'm on my lunch break
lunch break?
Yeah, I'm doing community service Are you still doing that?
Oh no, not that one, I'm doing another one I'm picking up litter now
Alright...What did you do wrong this time?
Fly tipping...believe it or not
Yeah, I was helping Annie Lennox out with an old fridge freezer
and she says : "Should I call the council?"
ans I say : "No, don't bother with that, there's a skip at the end of my street"
So, at 2h30 in the morning, we're tipping it in here and the fucking police show up
How is that you get involve then?
Well, it was Stuart Copland's the skip and he called Sting
and Sting called the fucking council cause he's a fucking do-gooder
And I am here now, picking up litter
Well, I'll better get going cause I'm gonna have to go back to work soon
Come on then you, I'll give you a quickie
I'm not that desperate Mate Cheeky bastard
Would you do me a favor and look out for paparazzis, I'm gonna go and try over there
I'd love to Cheers
I've had him before, you know...in his car
Wasn't that a bit cramped?
and he was swerving all over the bloody road
Look, keep an eye over these will, will you?
That old queer cannot have got to far...
hellooo
Andy Millman... What? I don't know what this bench is for
What did you say? Why are you sitting here?
Cause we live across the road and just fancy to sit down
Well, you've got a garden, ain't you, why not sit in your garden? No bench.
If you want to sit in the garden, fine, but you'll be sitting on the grass Yeah, but why you sitting on the queer bench?
Have you seen George Michael? Strange question
My editor wants a picture of someone famous acting bent and all I've got is you sitting on a queer bench, so...
I'm not involved, so don't... I know you're lying cos I know he's been here
How do you know? A joint...and a kebab
He's in the bushes Thank you very much
Thank you very much, cheers
Hi, we haven't booked I wonder if you've got a table for two
Well, you'll have to book, I'm afraid Can you just squeeze us in?
We won't have a starter I'm sorry, there's nothing
Or a pudding We'll be 20 minutes, in and out
I'm sorry
You don't...euh...we're the management
No, I am the manager No, on TV, we used to do these characters called "The Management"
The stonk Oh, the Stonk. Is that a restaurant?
No, it's a song we did
I'm really sorry, there's nothing available but you can book up to three months in advance
We don't know where we're gonna be in three months Might not be alive in three months
What would you rather do? Be on the Planet Of The Apes, you're human but you can't speak
or be the first ever monkey on Earth to speak like a human, but you're a monkey?
Do I know I'm a monkey? Yeah, You know you're a monkey
Mr. Millman, hello Sorry, we haven't booked, I'm afraid No problem, I'm sure I can squeeze you in
Oh, thank you cheers, okay
0h, look, it's them two, what's their names again? Hale and Pace. Hale. Pace.
Like Ant and Dec? Without their money
They just throw money at performers now Should have invested more wisely
Can we not do this in public? I asked you before It was your idea to buy the racehorse
It was your idea to ride it, wasn't it? You couldn't help us get in, could you?
I don't think there is...It was nice meeting you Cheers
Oh, look, there's...what's her name... Jade Jagger That's it
What is she doing? Fashion...someone
Jade Jagger...How do you think she got her big break?
I wonder And what does Sadie Frost do?
She's friend with people I didn't know that was a job It's, yeah
Oh, oh, right, OK, don't look, don't look yet, right The woman over there, an amazing face
OK? Red top, I want you to turn and look at her and I'll say her name, Ok?
Three, two, one, Elmer Fudd
That's the only woman I've ever seen with a comb-over
Hi, I'm sorry to bother you, my name's Tre Cooper, I represent Greg Lindley Jones
You went in yesterday for Byron, didn't you? Yeah, I wasn't right for that
No, you don't think you were right for that one but there are a lot of film people out there mentioning your name and a lot of roles I think you would be right for
Yeah, I also heard you're not entirely happy with your show
It's not how I wanted it to be
Really? No You see, I think you should be on the top of the world
What does it get each week? Seven million viewers? Six. Six.
Seven million viewers watch your show every week because they respond to what you do and the reviews...
I don't listen to the reviews No-one's down the pub talking about reviews, they're talking about your sitcom
And you know what? there'll always gonna be people who don't like what you do. 0h, yeah
So what ? If someone shouts "You're a wanker" you go, "Oh Yeah, look at my sports car"
If they shout, "You're still a tosser!" say, "Really, interesting, How many catchphrases have you come up with?"
None
And if they're still shouting at just you, just drive away
I would Drive to the bank, laughing
Who's your agent? Darren Lamb
I'm not being funny, but I've never heard of him and I've been in this business 15 years
Where did he come from? Bristol
No, which company did he start with? I don't think he ever worked for a company
He has, he worked part time at the car phone warehouse
Look, I don't know the guy Why would you, you're in the business?
I don't want to disrespect him, but business is business
and if there's any deadwood in your organisation, you have got to get rid of it
It may seem harsh but life's cruel and no one痴 gonna help your career but you
I'm an extra, and I love Clive Owen, can I get a part in that Byron film?
That's alright, she's asking. Well done
Consider it done My card
And seriously, if l can be of any help, call me, we'll sit down
Sorry for interrupting your meal It's all right
0h, catch of the day, Dover sole, it is superb Have a great lunch.
Cheers
Oh, Elmer's looking over Oh, hello, hi ya
I recommend the wabbit, I mean the rabbit
She doesn't know, does she?
How the hell did you do that?
I don't know, they get stuck, don't they? That is...
That's stuck fast, if I... that's gonna break... Well, don't break it
I'll put it up over your head, yeah Are you ready?
You just pull back, right? Ok, go!
Just pull, Darren What about my head, brainiac!
How is that... just pull back I can't help you if you don't pull back. I am pulling back
What exactly is your plan?
What are you actually intending to do now? Just you pull back
Did you learn nothing in the fame academy, all right? Power is not everything, you just need to be subtle.
Don't sing everything like it's bloody Mustang Sally
OK, Clive... You, over here, please
Quickly, quick sharp, yep, yep
OK, so Byron's just spent the night with a prostitute. All right
As he leaves in the morning, I thought he could just turn,
and then throw the money on the floor with contempt
and then say your line, "Thank you for your hospitality"
Yeah, I'm not very happy with this. I know it's a bit aggressive, but it's just a character point.
No, I mean this one been a prostitute
I wouldn't pay for that
Right... It's gotta be a better one than this
Clive, seriously, they sent me a truckload of absolute hogs and this is the very best one
Really? Yeah Jesus...
I don't want to be difficult, it's just that I would never pay for a prostitute that looked like that
No way Right...
What if she wasn't a prostitute, if she was just a slut, so it was free?
Yeah, I still could do better, though
OK, what if she is a prostitute, but you refuse to pay?
OK, so you don't throw money on the floor, you just...throw food
and you make her eat it like a dog
Well, I'm telling you. If I'd slept with that I wouldn't throw food on the floor, I'd throw it in her face
OK, what food would you throw? Cause I've got to get props on to that
It should be some kind of gruel as if I've found some oats on the stable floor,
mix it with shit and like, wet cabbage
What would be great is like when it claps into her face
it just sort of looks like a rancid cowpat. OK
No, I like that, I like that... Can we get the shit and the dung and the cabbage together
Make sure it sticks to the face... It will. OK, let's try that then, please
OK, for rehearsal then... Excuse me
I'm not happy with that
Sorry?
I'm not happy with that. I don't want the dung on my face
You get extra money, don't you worry about that. Don't care.
Not bothered, I just don't want to do it, full stop Right, OK, you either do it, or you go home
Ok... Ok, right
See you then
Honestly, I mean, you give these people a chance
Got to get another on OK, you, over here, please
Oh, fuck off, I'm Clive Owen That's mental !
Frankly, the BBC are taking the proverbial Seriously, the money you're getting for the show is an insult.
I'm gonna get tough with them and we'll get this sorted for the next series
I don't think I want to do another series. I've been thinking of knocking this on the head...
With the right management behind you, there's a lot of money to be made
I don't care. I'm not proud. I want to do bigger and better
I'm not proud of having Britain's no1 catchphrase Is there an Oscar for that? No
No, but they are thinking of introducing a British Comedy Award for it
Of course they are
Look, I want to hold my head up
To me, saying you've got Britain's no1 catchphrase is like saying you've got Britain's no1 wasting disease
You're not Britain's no1 catchphrase any more. I'm not?
You're not no1 anymore
Good. To be totally...Who's number one?
0h, it's..."Am I bowered?"
What am I, no2 or something? No. no2 is, "You are the weakest link, goodbye."
Then no3 is "You're having a laugh?"
In at no3, it changes depending on what survey you are doing
What survey is that?
It's a survey of 8 to 11 year olds
Well, if they want catchphrases I'll give 'em catchphrases
I don't get it.
Is he having a laugh?
I need a man !
Join the queue
Oh, bugger me!
He's out and about!
Christmas time, mistletoe and wine...
Children singing christian rhyme, with logs on the fire, gifts 'neath the tree...
Any messages mate?
Yeah, a couple. BT called What, British Telecom? Oh, yeah
What were they after? They wanted to know if you were happy with the service
Very happy as well as very pleased
That's what I told them cause I thought you were happy, but they wanted to talk to you specifically
They would do cause my name's on the bill
Yes it is, and apparently you could have free evening and weekend calls
Oh, really, that's very generous of them, very nice, yeah Do they want me to call back?
No, they said they'll call back
I don't mind calling them. I said you'd be back about two, It's ten to now so just wait for them to call
I'll wait until just after two, if they haven't called, give them a bell
yeah
It's an 0800 number, so...free It's free
Anything else, any other...
Yes, Andy new agent called
Andy's fired you and gone with a new bloke so you're no longer to have any dealings with him whatsoever
Sorry, I was thinking about free evening and weekend calls What were you saying?
Andy Millman, he's fired you
What do you mean he's fired me?
Well, you no longer Andy Millman's agent, so...
Why are you telling me this now? Why did you tell me the BT stuff first?
Because I'm doing it in chronological order
I was excited about the BT stuff, now I'm depressed
I didn't know that if I'd said, number one, Andy's fired you and number two, BT has offered you a generous new tariff,
the good news would have been soured by the bad news anyway I didn't know what to do for the best
He's fired me?
Let me ask you this...
Where do you want to be in 5 years of time?
Sat in a Hollywood mansion watching my butler polish my Oscar
It's good, thinking big, nothing wrong with that
But first things first, what I'll need you to concentrate on is... Excuse me
Yeah Richard Curtis for you
Does he wanna talk about Africa again? I think so
Tell him to donate the profits from the Vicar 0f Dibley
They'll be eating like Dawn in no time
harsh... life's cruel
Er, listen, tell him you can't get hold of me, tell him I'm snowboarding Okay
Sorry about that
Profile, you need to boost your profile
Success is all about getting your face seen Yeah
Truth is, at the moment, Andy, you're kind of...you're C-list...top of the C-list, but
I'm gonna get you on top of the A-list
I can't snap my fingers and do that overnight
You need to win an Emmy or direct something
but we can get you to the top of the B-list pretty quickly
just by making sure you're seen out and about
movie premieres, celebrity gay weddings, stuff like that...
You're single aren't you? Yeah Good
Good, so firstly what we want you to do is be seen coming out of clubs and restaurants with some newsworthy trollops
You shagged any of those tabloid beauties?
no
Not even that?
no
Isn't everyone?
Not me What've you been doing?
I know she's got a cancellation next Friday so we'll set something up for then
No, no, I'm not into that. I don't want to do it that way
Do you want to get on the B-list or not? Yes, but not the Hepatitis B list
Right, OK, no, that's not a problem, I've got some contacts at the broadsheets
right
Paula, can you get me Emily Whitford at The Guardian, please Yep
So what do you do?
I was a film extra Oh, glamorous
It's not really, I'm not doing it anymore, it's too depressing
I'm too old to be right at the bottom of the pile being told what to do, scrabbling about in the dirt for a few quid an hour.
What do you do now?
I'm a cleaner
I scrabble around in the dirt for a few quid an hour
Ok, so...here is the place
here we go
carpets...
Spider? Yep, that won't be bothering you any more
no
You just gonna leave it there?
If you want...
No, I don't want it particularly
Fine, that'll all be professionally cleaned. Scraped off
Where is the bedroom?
No, it's all in here
What, this is it?
Tiny little kitchen over here
and...there is a lavatory
It's everything you need, you'll never have to leave this place
If the worst comes to the worst
if you were bedridden with a spinal injury or something, heaven forbid
Then it's all here, should that happen
Where do I sleep?
Look at that...That's good, isn't it?
That's like James Bond or something
From Russia with love
Live And Let Die
I can't put anything underneath that, can I?
Yeah, of course you can, coffee table or what not just move it before you go to bed
What, every single night?
A chimpanzee makes a nest every night in a tree or whatever and he doesn't complain
no
I hadn't planned to live like a chimpanzee
Well, this is the only place in your price range really, so... I know, I know
What's the area like then?
Okay, I'm gonna be honest with you
There痴 is quite a large black and asian community,
there's some chinese and it does get very Araby towards the high street
but there is nothing we can do about it
No, I mean, what it is like in term of the amenities, is there a supermarket?
Oh, yeah, yeah a supermarket...Yes, there is a lot of lovely different shops around here
It's a very cosmopolitan area for food, I mean do you like chinese food? Yes
Asian food?
Good for Halal meats
Do you like jerk chicken, just like momma used to make?
There is one of those...euh...
I bet you can probably see it from the window
Yep
There it is
Where have you been, we said 3 o'clock
Sorry, I've been looking out for flats, I'm gonna have to downsize
Tell me later. I'm about to do an interview, in a first session, the Weekend Guardian, really good publicity
sort of the 'man behind the silly wig' and all that Woo
When she gets here, you open the door for me 0h, no, why me?
Say you're my P.A.
Oh, no Yeah, give the illusion of life of success and everything, right?
Then when we're in there, come in and go "Oh, Andy, sorry, Ridley Scott's on the phone"
Who? Ridley Scott
Who is that then? Oscar-winning director...Gladiator, Blade Runner
Is he gonna call?
He's not really gonna call
No? You say he's on the phone
And then, she'll think I'm a...player Ohh
That's her, alright, okay...
Answer the door and just look a bit secretarial. Do something...
hello
hi would you like to come this way
Andy
Hi
Thank you, Mr. Millman
Thanks for doing this My absolute pleasure, welcome to my humble abode
You don't talk like I thought you would
You've seen me in character, there's much more than silly wigs
No, I've seen you on chat shows, you didn't speak like that
No, but there is Andy Millman the writer, Andy Millman the actor, Andy Millman the charity worker...
And who was that? Slash this slash that...
That's how I thought you talked
How do you want me to talk?
Just normal like you're at home I'm at home
Just speak like that then Can we tone it down?
So, you mentioned your charity work. What charity are you involved with?
Africa
The main one that people care about, innit?
You're not going to release an awful comedy single, are you, for charity,
so you can get in the charts and boost your profile?
Not just so I can boost my profile, no
But you are releasing a comedy single?
Well, no, it's me as Ray, doing a cover of Nine To Five,
and it's a fun video, cos we've got loads of sort of celebs in it
We've got Craig Charles, Sam Fox, jade Goody's mum
god
Bunch of saddos
Well, the good ones didn't want to do it, did they? We had to use look-alikes for some of them
They will be sorry, though
when it gets number one And we'll get number one
so let's not slag it off before it's saved some Ethiopians
You in a hurry?
0h, no, no, sorry, I've got another interview to get to
I'm a little nervous actually Why, for meeting me?
No, god no. Have you seen the Byron film? Yeah
I'm interviewing Greg Lindley Jones
Why are you nervous about meeting him?
He's got such a sort of brooding intensity, he's like a young Richard Burn
Young Richard Simon more like
Well, I'm not slagging him off but let's not...
Mr. Millman, the phone call has just come in
Oh, who is it?
Is it Wiggly Scott?
Ridley Scott, yeah. The award winning director of Gladiator and Blade Runner
What does he want? Cheers. Sorry about this
Hey, Ridley, I can't talk now, I'm out with a journal. Say hello from me.
what?
We know each other from Cannes. Say hello from me. Emily Whitford
Emily Whitford
What's he say? Nothing
Ask him how is ankle is. He'll laugh Will he?
How's your ankle?
Is he laughing?
sort of
Let me speak to him What?
Let her speak to him Let me speak to him
Hold on, All right
Oh, what's he done? Hung up?
Why is he done that. Sorry about that, cheers
Can I ask you a few questions? What about?
I'm not very good at general knowledge
No, about working for Andy
Probably not a good idea
Also, if you are in a hurry...
Cheers for that, it was... So how long have you worked for Andy?
3 hours No, think
3 hours?
no
What is she talking about?
Just be honest, come on
3 ears
No, 3 years
Yeah, that's make more sense Certainly
And what's he like as a boss?
A wanker no...
He's a wanker? No, she didn't mean that
Listen, listen, listen to her
He plays darts, all the time
I love darts. I don't know why, I've just I've always wanted to be like Eric Bristow
Is she actually your P.A.? Is she...
Is she actually your P.A.? Who?
That's lady there, is she actually your P.A.?
Sorry, I don't know what do you mean by actually
Well, do you employ her?
Employ is a strong term Strong in what term?
In a sense that it's a bit weird to ask someone about their PA when they are being interviewed
Well, it's just a clarification, really. About the article
She said she's my PA, you've seen me get along with it, so based on that what assessment are you trying to make?
Well, I get the impression she's not your P.A.
Opposite impression that I would want, from this...
Did Ridley Scott actually phoned you earlier?
According to her, are you calling her a liar?
So he'll remember phoning you, will he? If l speak to him later
What's his memory like? You know him better than me But you spoke to him earlier on the phone, didn't you?
Yeah, couldn't hear him
But you were relaying my messages to him Yeesss
Yes, well done, and I am saying now, admitting I couldn't hear a word
Could you just answer the question - is she your PA?
No, it's a joke.
Of course she's pretending, it's a wind-up
It's just something we always do to journalists
You always do? What do you mean by always?
Do you need a P.A. in real life Andy? No
Cause I can do with the money
Should I pack then?
Yep, may as well
Bought that as a gift for Andy
Didn't want it, wasn't interested
Should have known then something was brewing. How about these?
Nothing in 'em, just put 'em up there in case the local kids run by and peer in and shout insults
Kids can be cruel
Yeah, they can
What do they say? You know what they say
Lanky four-eyed twat? Yeah
Weirdo goggle-eyed gimp? Sometimes
Frankenstein's albino gonk? I never heard that one
It's so easy to have a go at a bloke who looks like you, you're just easy pickings
Sheep shagger they said sometimes as well
I thought sheep shagger was Welsh? No, it can be Bristol as well
I thought Bristol was inbreeding
Sheep shagging, inbreeding, slavery, we're famous for loads of stuff down there
alright
Barry?
yeah
Could do with a hug, mate
Yeah
Queers Ignore him
Show me the money
So, "When the Whistle Blows", the BBC are begging for a Christmas Special... No
What do you mean no? I don't want to do it anymore
You'll be mad to say no I don't care, that's it, I want to do Hollywood films
or TV, but cool TV, American TV
We've got cool TV over here, I've got offers
Alright, do you want to be an alien, in doctor who? No
They offered you a guest part in Hotel Babylon
What part of "cool" don't you understand?
Alright, well, we've had a movie offer
Buddy film Oh...
No, no listen, it's a comedy, starring Rob Schneider
as a horny deliveryman who looks exactly like the Prime Minister
Rob will be playing both parts
Get me a Hollywood film.
Andy, with all due respect, I really don't think Martin Scorsese is gonna be sitting in his London hotel room flicking through the channels going,
I've never seen this bloke before, shouting "You having a laugh?" but I think I've got a wig that will fit him
Why would you say that to me?
Because you have chosen a very specific path
I want to get off it. If that's what it takes to get respect, then definitely I'm gonna finish it
I don't want to come up with more wacky characters , shouting catchphrases to appeal to kids and morons
I want to do something credible. I might want to direct one day
and I'm not gonna get respect like this, so I'm finishing the sitcom
That's mad, that's killing a cash cow
I'm ending the sitcom, there you go
done
Alright, yeah, you could do that
or you could think people are still watching
let's milk it
If people are stupid enough to keep on watching it, let's keep on giving it to them
They've seen it all before
They've seen everything, every sketch, slightly rewritten, every character
They've heard every catchphrase shouted a thousand times Yes...
but, have they seen an episode set in Spain?
It's great, thanks
Excuse me
Sorry to bother you
I'm an extra, but I知 an actor, really
and I know you've been in my position and
I just wonder if there is a line or a few lines you need someone to do
I'll really appreciate the opportunity
I'm not really involved with casting What's your name?
Phil
I will have a word with the floor manager, if anything comes up, I'll put a word in for you
Thank you, sorry to bother you That's all right
Why do the extras are coming to me?
sorry?
Why are the extras waving out and bothering me? why are they not in their paddock or wherever you keep 'em?
I think they sort of look up to you were in their boat a while ago
Alright, so I'll sit down with them and reminisce about old times?
or should I go on with my job, that pays their wages and yours?
Sorry, I didn't realize
I'll tell him, not to do it again
No, he won't do it again, cause I won't be around again
Okay Yeah?
Hey, my man
Hello there, Darren Lamb. I'm here to see Andy Millman, star of "When the wind blows"
It's "The whistle" Yes, if I could just...
Do you have a pass?
No, I'm a friend of his, I'll just go...There is no problem
I can't let anyone in without a pass
no?
We are friends but we've had a bit of a falling out
I don't want to hassle you with it, but if I could just...
I can't help you, sorry sir Okay, that's all right
Thanks a lot
What's happened?
I think we both know what's happened, don't we, really What's happened is I've tried to jump over the barrier
and that ain't panned out as I had hoped
and so if you just let me free, I'll go home and say nothing more about it, we'll both have a lovely Christmas. That sounds like a plan don't it?
What are you doing?
Mate, I know this woman They won't let me in
You have not got a pass? No, I知 just trying to get and see Andy
every time I've tried to phone him, he's always on voice mail
Can she just walk me in? Not without a pass
It's all about a pass with you, innit?
Can I get him a pass
Yeah, why not
I'm gonna get a pass from Andy
Wait there Cheers
Ooh, There you are
Andy, I've just seen Darren up there
And he says he can't get in
And why are you telling me?
Well, he says I keeps trying to call you but your phone's switched off
No, it's not. I just don't answer when I see it's him
Can we not just get him a pass and he can sit up in the back?
I don't want him in here
I know, but I told him I would get him in
Well, you lied
He says he really wants to see you
Life's cruel
So I've got to go and tell him he can't get in?
And Maggie...
You can't keep coming up to me
I can't what?
You can't keep coming up and talk to me in front of the other extras
They see you, they go "Oh, she's an extra, she's his equal, maybe we're his equal"
I'm not an extra Not, you were
And so were you
I'm a little bit busy
alright?
Andy can't get you a pass
He said he's really sorry and,
that he will love to have you in there but he just...can't
bend the rules, fire regulations or something
That makes sense. I imagine the fire regulations are quite strict at the BBC, aren't they?
Alright well, thanks for trying
It's okay
Nice to see you again You too, bye
Oh, It's good to be back
But what a perfect holiday and everything has worked out brilliantly
It certainly has, I'm getting married to the man of my dreams
I got that promotion I wanted
And ever since Gobbler fell off that donkey,
he's not been the same
Indeed not,
As Confucius once said, "They must often change, who would be constant in happiness and wisdom"
I don't get it
Brains is so much happier now that he's out of the closet
Oh, I am
In fact, last night I went on a wonderful date with a lovely man,
he took me to a sea food restaurant,
fed me my favourite meal
Fist you? No, he certainly did not
It was our first date
I didn't mean "did he fi..", I meant, are you having a laugh?
Is he having a laugh?
Now he gets it
Oh I get it
I'm getting it We're all getting it
Merry Christmas to everyone
Thank you
Thank you very much I love you Andy !
Thank you
You having a laugh?
Well, not actually
Which is why this will be the last ever episodes of "When the whistle blows"
Well, I'll never have to wear this stupid wig again
Truth be told, it's gone on for...
far too long, I think three series should be enough for everyone
I don't get it! Obviously, not enough for some people
Andy, why are you stopping the show?
Because, it's not what I wanted to do
You know, with my life...
shout a catchphrase to a load of morons for a livings
no, euh...
well, don't...
Merry Christmas
Thank you very much
Who the hell do you think you are? You've just announced to the audience you are quitting the show
without even consulting us, without even telling us It's nothing to do with you, is it?
What do you mean, it has nothing to do with us? If I want to stop, that's it
No, it's the lack of professionalism, Andy, it's the arrogance...
Oh, oh, When I first got into this, you were the great "I am" holding me to ransom
the shoe was on the other foot and now you don't like it, do you? No, I don't
Well if I want to stop, I'll stop. I want to do other stuff, alright, I want to move on
Live with it, you stay here if you want, scrambling around, chasing ratings
but I want to do something else
It's a really interesting way of looking at things, after everything that we done for you
Oh...life's cruel Yes, it can be, good luck and, eh, you've got lots of things lined up, have you?
Don't worry about me The phone won't stop ringing
Tre Cooper, please
Andy Millman
Yeah, good, right, listen to this. What's hot?
Greg Lindley Jones, who charmed the nation this week on Desert Island Discs with a stream of hilarious anecdotes
that recalled the great Peter Ustinov at his best
What's not? Andy Millman. Are we having a laugh?
For about five minutes we were, but Andy Millman's Christmas special hit an all-time low
The jokes were filthier than Mrs. Slocombe's pussy
with no new projects on the horizon, Millman is fast becoming as out of date as his gags
Aren't you meant to get me some decent work? I mean, I quit the show three weeks ago
Excuse me, is it okay if I go? It's nearly half past
OK, see you tomorrow. Thanks
Hi
Where have you been, you're late
Sorry
Look at this
worst table
I'm just happy to be sitting down
Oh, look, it's your friend, Vernon Kay
Vernon
Hey, Donnie Millman Andy
See you later What?
If he's forgetting my name, how the hell is he going to read an autocue?
Look at this, the Guardian stitched me up
There's a whiff of desperation about Andy Millman
Our entire interview was more bizarre than an episode of "When the whistle blows"
Every answer he gave sounded like he was reading from a press release,
full of boasts, hyperbole and the occasional bare-faced lie
He seems desperate for the headline to be "All's well in the Millman camp, next stop Hollywood"
This is gonna be a fun lunch then Hein?
It痴 just we never seem to have a laugh any more
When you had nothing and we were both extras, we had more of a laugh
No, we didn't, I hated it, it was shit
Okay
I was always moaning You're always moaning now
You moan about the Ray dolls but they did buy you a house that overlooks Hampstead Heath
You moan about the sitcom that it gets six million viewers but it's the wrong six million
But at least it gets six million viewers
At least you've accomplished something, even if it's not exactly what you wanted
I've accomplished nothing
I have brought nothing...to the world
Look at that
Harold Pinter and his wife, having lunch with Geri Halliwell
Why am I not over there?
I don't know, do you like Geri Halliwell?
no
no...why am I not having lunch with Harold Pinter and his wife?
Well, I'm sorry you stuck at this table, then
What?
I'm not sure you should actually even come here, this place just seems to annoy you
You're always saying, he's got an acting part that you wanted or
he's got credibility and he doesn't deserve it
If you worry about things like that you're, you're never going to be happy, no matter how successful you are
You'll never be famous enough
Thank you doctor Freud,
nice conversation
What would you rather be?
A penguin that can't fly but it swims around in the water like a fish but it is a bird
or a flying fish that can fly but is essentially still just a fish...
Oh Maggie, I can't do these stupid questions anymore
Seriously, we're grown ups
Ah, Andy Millman,
you probably want to turn to page 17, a rather perceptive interview with yours truly
the one that says "Next stop Hollywood"
I've seen it, nice photo Thank you
Thank you, yes, apparently, I have a brooding intensity
Anyway, I'm going to love you and leave you
Don't let him have a pudding, we don't want him bursting out all over the place
Do you want me to sign that?
No, we're alright man, cheers
There is no one else in there
No, it's all right, leave it, yeah
Well, you'll never get it filled
All right? How's it going? just getting lunch
What have you gone for? Yeah, "Filet au fish"
Alright, yeah
It's good and tasty
Good for you, isn't it, fish? Yeah, you're meant to have two portions a week, or?
Yeah, it's got fatty acids, which are very good for you apparently and omega
It's good
Are you alright?
Good, yeah Excellent
I'd better crack on
Darren, what you doing? It's quarter past two. Yes, all right, calm down, mate, you're not the boss of me, he's not the boss.
Alright, Andy?
Yeah You were due back 15 minutes ago
Yeah, alright, keep your hair transplant on, I'm coming in, aren't I?
See you later
You alright? Yeah, good. Good
No hard feelings, you know?
No, sure
I needed someone to further my career...
We all know, you know, he wasn't the best agent in the world, you know,
but he was loyal
yeah..
and he tries hard yeah...
Be careful mate Fame is a mask that eats...into the face
Barry, can you stop nattering, please? Dean's got a question for you
Did you tell someone the Nokia 8600 came with...
Oh, hello, mate, "Are you having a laugh?"
I thought you were lying when you used to go on about him all the time. I didn't used to go on about him all the time, I didn't mention him...
See you later yeah
Were you really his agent once?
yes
I need a new agent
why?
Because I'm working in Carphone Warehouse
I quit the show five months ago
I'm sat here like a lemon, you're not getting me anything
No, I told you a thousand times, I'm not gonna play an alien in Doctor Who
Don't do it, Schlong!
You leave me no alternative, Doctor
What's happening to us?
He's hyper-podulating
He's using his molluscian glang valves to internally vibrulate our DNA
What does that mean?
It means we'll both turn into slugs in about 30 seconds
Unless I can reach that sodium chloride
What's sodium chloride?
You probably know it as table salt
Tre Copper
Andy Millman
Okay, do you know where he is?
Andy Millman...Tell him to call me
Cheers
It's Andy Millman again
Can you get him to call me please?
I've been calling every day for two weeks, he's never there, where is he?
Snowboarding...
No, I told him. I don't want to do Hotel Babylon
No, I'll tell you what, I am going to see him today
because he's my agent and he takes 12.5% of my wages, OK?
right?
Yeah, and if he really is at lunch, where is he? Please tell me where he is.
Thank you
I think you've made a very wise and informed decision, if you don't mind my saying
Good little phone, fun ringtone as well on there, I've actually got the same one
You can see that will be enjoyable...with your friends
so, just pop your card in there if you would
enter PIN
And don't let him see your number
Libellous
Just let it phone his girlfriend
That should be it, extract
Deano, a Motorola Accessory Pack, s'il vous plait
Sure, Shauny
Thar she blows
I thank you
Enjoy
Nice lady Yeah
Hi, you alright?
How's it going, do you need a phone or something?
no
I need some work, really
any jobs going?
Not really, no, I mean,
aside from the intensive training needed,
we are a bit overstaffed as well
I think the only way there would be a vacancy is if one of these guys got an acting job
Or if one of us dies
That's more likely
Statistically, yes
So, no room at the...
...at the inn
Are you alright?
Need tissues
Don't worry
I'm sure something will turn up
It's not about the job
It's everything, really
I just wasted my life
I haven't done anything
I haven't seen anything, I haven't...been anywhere
I've never even left the country
I haven't even been abroad
I'm just living on my own...in one room...with no money
and I can't even get a job at the Carphone Warehouse
That's not true
It's true
It's true at this branch, but you know, there are other branches
particularly the ones in rougher areas
They're always desperate for staff,
because the ones they've got are always being assaulted or stabbed, sometimes in the face
sorry yeah
Hi, where are you? No, nowhere
Can you meet me at the Ivy, ASAP
I'm trying to track down my agent. Honestly, he's worst than Darren, he was useless but at least, I knew where he was
Why do you need me there? Cause it's the Ivy
I don't want to go in by myself, I would look like a complete loser
Can you meet me or not?
Em, Okay
Good, see you later Um Um
I have to go
Okay, sorry
Thanks for your help
I've had a piece of that
Have you? Yeah
He's a bit of a player, ain't he? It was one date
Alright, Barry Yeah but one date is enough though, ain't it?
You know it ! Nothing happened !
You told me. You said you blocked the toilet up and she left
Yes and that was for your ears only Thank you very much
That's my mom...she's ill...
Mom, hello... She's gone
You alright?
I'm having a bit of a nightmare if the truth to be told
Tell me about it, I can't get a hold of this agent
I had to do Doctor Who, Hotel Babylon, just to get my profile up
Now he wants me to do Robin Hood. I can't even get him on the phone
Sounds like you had it tough Nightmare
Apart from all the TV work, you're doing alright, are you? Yeah
Yes sir Hi, we haven't booked
We're very busy today, sir
Andy Millman, I... Yes, you should have booked ahead really
It's usually all right Sorry
Andy Millman Hey
You all right? Very all right, Sir, Byron number one
UK box office, number two in the United States of America
one lucky
I'm off round Europe next week to promote the old film
What about you? Oh great, good, yeah
You got lots on? Mental, Just saying, I was...yeah
I saw you as a slug in Doctor Who, very convincing
It's a space serpent, yeah
What's our agent like though? Can't get ahold of him, has he gone AWOL?
Hiding from the tax man? I hope he hasn't, I'm having lunch with him
You're having lunch with him?
I wouldn't bother, it just goes straight to the voicemail
Tre, yeah, oh, you're here, I'm outside. I'll come straight in
Alright mate
Something's wrong with this The signal, these girders...sometimes it...
It's weird how things pan out? He's more famous than you are now
Why would you say that?
Why do you say that to me?
He's not more famous than me, not amongst my demographic. So don't talk about things you don't understand
Alright That's bollocks
Gordon?
Yep?
Hiya. You all right? Andy Millman
Yeah
You all right?...Yeah....
Can't you have a word, can you?
I'm just leaving
No, no, you're in the industry, if you just have a word and they'll let me through
I can't You can't or won't?
Won't Oh
At least nip to the kitchen and make me a cheese sandwich. You cook!
Cock?! Haven't you had enough cheese sandwiches
fat boy You pound puppy-faced git
You catchphrase shouting, wig-wearing wannabe
You publicity hungry, failed footballing fuck
You're a has been, go home
You think you're hard don稚 you cause you shout at people in kitchens. Who works in kitchens?
Ooh, women and gays, ooh and the French. Ooh you're well hard
Let's just leave it there, shall we? yeah?
I don't want to get into a fight. I've heard your girdle could explode at any minute
You fuck, I was gonna...
Come on, let's just go
No, I'm gonna wait here and wait for him to come out. If I can't go through there for five minutes?
I'm sorry
Well, can we at least have a drink at the bar?
Do you want a drink? Not really no
No, got something better to do?
no
I'm going home Where you going?
Home
Don't leave me here by myself, come on
Where is my home?
What?
Where do I live?
You moved
Yeah, where to?
You want the exact address?
No, just the area
What am I, your postman?
No, you're my friend
Look, I'll see you Oh, come on
Oh, for fuck s...
Tre !
Excuse me
What are you doing?
What are YOU doing?
You haven't returned any of my calls
Yeah, funny enough, there's not been that much since you told the BBC to piss off
There's other channels, aren't there? You're meant to generate work for me, you're my agent
Yeah, well, I can't magic things out of thin air
They either want you or they don't
Life's cruel
And to be honest with you, I've been up to my eyeballs with my other clients... Guilty as charged.
Yeah...What about me?
Alright, listen to me Andy
I can't help you because I don't know what it is that you want
Every time you come in my office, it's something different
One day it's all about not selling out, being an artist
Next day, you just want your face in the paper
What do you want?
Do you want to be a famous movie star or do you want to be the tortured genius creating great art?
Look, do you want fame and fortune?
or do you want integrity and respect?
Both
right,
Well, there is only a few people in this world who have both those things
You...
...will never be one of them
What do you want?
Rich and famous and on the TV
right
okay then
Will you do the stuff you keep turning down?
yes
Comedy panel shows?
yes
You know you will have to make your carefully written jokes look ad-libbed?
Yes, I know how they work
Ooo
Thick club
Good, yeah, this is great
I'd much rather have a client that will do anything to get on television than someone who goes, "I don't want to do that" or "It's beneath me"
Ooh, hold on
There is one other thing I'll have to pull some strings
Pull them
Last night, the celebrity housemates arrived in the Big Brother house
Hi, hello...hiya
Hi Lisa Scott Lee. Hi, Lisa, hi Scott, hi Lee
Chico. Oh, yeah yeah. Toby. All right mate, how it going?
Welcome to the house Oh, cheers
Hello Hi, Andy..
Lionel Blair. Andy
good
he's happy...
I don't know who any of these people are
Who's that one in the dress?
That's Amy, she is in all the lad's mags
Her boyfriend was accused of rape. Hmm
Opportunity knocks
Yeah And who is that one?
Her son was murdered murdered?
What's she doing in here?
She's got a single coming out. Course she has. Well
Cheers Cheers
11.22pm : All the housemates are in the lounge
Obviously, I knew he was filming us at it
but I didn't think it was going to end up on the internet
How did it end up on the internet?
Well, someone must have stolen it.
Where from?
From the flat
You probably put it on the open window sill next to the apple pie that was cooling down, some ruffians came by, they've put it straight on the internet
I'm glad they did though because the lad mags called and said "Hey,
wa saw those, we thought they looked great in motion, do they look as good still?"
And they did. So they put them in the magazines and luckily $｣%ｵ& was reading one of them and...
You went out with $｣%ｵ& for a while, didn't you?
Well, I didn't really go out with him, I shagged him a few times
And I also shagged &ｵ%｣$
&ｵ%｣$&ｵ%｣$&ｵ%｣$
&ｵ%｣$&ｵ%｣$&ｵ%｣$&ｵ%｣$
&ｵ%｣$&ｵ%｣$&ｵ%｣$
&ｵ%｣$&ｵ%｣$
&ｵ%｣$&ｵ%｣$&ｵ%｣$
Andy has come to the Diary Room
You might be sued under the Trades Descriptions Act,
for calling it Celebrity Big Brother
I didn't know some of them were
Do you know what I mean? I just think...
I just don't think this is doing me any good at all. It'll make me look bad if anything
because people won't go "oh, he's the biggest star in there", they'll go...
"well, if he's in there, he must be as..."
Day Three : Lionel is dancing again
I pulled my bloody back
There we go. Easy does it, lay back, lay back, lay back, lay back..
You alright?
Why are you doing this?
It just keeps up the profile
But you've been performing for 40 years. Aren't you bored with, just, having to be on all the time?
Yeah, I ache as well
I wake up in the morning and I ache
That's why I've done my bloody back,
I didn't stretch because
it aches to stretch
Do you know what I look forward to these days?
death
Oh, save me some wine
It numbs the pain
Day 4 : Big Brother has set the housemates a task
The housemates must rank themselves in order of fame
With one being the most famous and eight being the least famous
I've worked hard to get where I've got What have you done, dropped your knickers?
OK, all right, but at least I'm on the way up This is serious guys
My fans are watching so I should be here. I've been famous for ten years, you've been famous for ten minutes
I've been in this business 50 years. Granddad's talking now
Never mind about Granddad, Come on, go on.
I had two programmes in the top five, Give Us A Clue and Name That Tune
When have you been on the TV?
Everybody who watched are in homes. Is that right?
Look, I don't care if Lionel wants to go number one... I'll swap with Lionel but I'm not swapping with her...
Well, I don't mind, I mean, all I say is my show was getting seven million every week on BBC One
Everyone shouts my catchphrases Even four-year-olds shout my catchphrase
Four-year-olds shout my catchphrase. They're five now but that's not the point... I'm sorry, mate, you're a reality winner
Hold on, hold on, hold on a second Actually, you didn't even win You didn't even win...
My son's murder was on the news at ten...
And I met Gordon Brown He paid for me to come up to London and everything.
Still, it must have been a terrible time It was an absolute tragedy
# Tragedy # When feelings gone and you can't go on it's tragedy... # # With no-one to love you, you're going nowhere... # # Tragedy... #
Andy has come to the Diary Room
I don't know why I did this
I just don't, I just don't...
What is this? This is a blip, is this a blip?
Is this a blip in my life?
Will I do something embarrassing?
Will I, what, do they... I don't know.
I don't know what's the best that can happen. I know what the worst is,
but I don't know what the best that can happen
Andy, is there anything you miss in the outside world?
loads of stuff
The housemates are talking about fame
When did you first realize you wanted to be famous?
Me? yeah
I didn't think did just want to become famous
I thought I wanted something
Obviously I do, I just want to be famous why else would I put myself here with a load of other desperate people
I'm not desperate
no? no
I'm doing this to broaden my career I want to be a serious journalist
Yesterday, June, you spent 20 minutes making porridge in high heels and a thong
so?
I don't think Kate Adie started out like that
Who?
Good luck with the Pulitzer
Are you patronising me?
No, I'm not having a go. I'm really not having a go
I'm saying we must be desperate - why else would we come onto a show where you have to hand in your dignity at the door?
I haven't handed in my dignity
I'm not going to get married for a while but if I did get married, I would definitely let someone pay for it,
because a decent wedding is going to cost about 50 grand. I'd let Hello pay.
And, apparently, they pay you for every celebrity you get along
You'd come wouldn't you, you're worth a few quid. Yeah. Definitely
Andy, would you come to my Hello wedding?
To your Hello wedding? Yeah
Are you all right? No
What are we doing? Selling ourselves, selling everything
Happiest day of my life. Quick,
I'd better do the invites and bake a cake. Must have a press tent, it's a wedding
You know, I must see pictures of myself with other people I'm in a programme with
Oh, and now I'm pregnant, maybe we should televise the birth. Get Ryan Seacrest to present it,
maybe it'll make jimmy Carr's 100 Greatest Caesareans
I'm not having a go at you, I'm sick of these celebrities
living their life out in the open all the time. .. Why would you do that?
It's like these pop stars
who choose the perfect moment to go into rehab,
they call their publicists before they call a taxi,
then they come out and do their second autobiography,
This one is called "Love me or I'll kill myself" Oh, kill yourself, then.
The papers lap it up. They follow us round and that makes people think we're important and that makes us think we're important
If they stopped doing that, people wouldn't take to the streets going, 'Ooh, quick, I need a picture of Cameron Diaz with a pimple.' They wouldn't care, they'd get on with something else
They'd get on with their lives
You open a paper, see a picture of Lindsay Lohan getting out of a car
and the headline is "Cover up Lindsay, we can see your knickers"
0f course you can see your knickers! Your photographer's lying in the road pointing his camera up her dress
to see her knickers !
You're literally the gutter press
And fuck you, the makers of this show as well,
you can't wash your hands of this,
you can't keep going "Oh, it's exploitation but it's what the public want"
No !
The Victorian freak show never went away,
now it's called Big Brother or American idol. Where in the preliminary rounds,
we wheel out the bewildered to be sniggered at by multi-millionaires
And fuck you for watching this at home
Shame on you !
And shame on me !
I'm the worst of all
Because I'm one of these people that goes,
"Oh, I'm an entertainer, it's in my blood" Yeah, it's in my blood because a real job is too hard.
I'd love to have been a doctor. Too hard, didn't want to put the work in
I'd love to be a war hero
but I'm too scared
So I go, "Oh, it's what I do"
and I have someone bollocked if my cappuccino's cold, or if they look at me the wrong way
Do you know what a friend of mine once said?
They said I'll never be happy because I'll never be famous enough
and they were right
And if you are watching this, I am so sorry You're my best friend, you're my only friend
and you never did anything wrong
it was everything else. I will never do that again, I will never treat you like that again
And it's eating me up You asked me a stupid question once
and I could have answered it and I didn't because I was... I'll answer it now
I'll be the penguin
because I could eat the flying fish
I know what you're thinking,
why doesn't the fish fly away?
Well, it can't really fly, it sort of glide and flap. They should be called glidey flappy fish
I'm so sorry
I've been waiting to hear that, mate...
I don't think he means... He's a good guy, he's a good guy, yeah
yeah
I'm gonna go now Cheers everyone
Andy? Yeah
Andy, that was...that was amazing.
Cheers I'm gonna come with you
Okay
Just give me five minutes, there's paparazzi out there, I'll put on a bikini
Andy?
Andy !
Seriously mate, you're a fucking genius
Where did that come from?
I don't know Have you seen the mob out there? It's gone mad
The phone's been going mental, I've had calls from the papers,
all the chat shows. We can charge a fortune for this
Well done mate
Elton john, he's been on, wants you to be seen at one of his 60th birthday parties
He's 61 now, isn't he?
Well, he's got a lot of parties to get through, he's still on the 60th ones
Oh, Posh and Becks are being photographed on a private beach "against their will"
and they wondered if you wanted to be there
Waou Hey?
When you go through there, don't say too much cause we wanna be able to sell your story. just say a few words, straight in the car
I've got you a hotel suite, let's get down there
and assess our options but seriously, mate, the world is your oyster
OK You ready?
Yeah
Let me say a few words, then I will bring you out. Yeah
Hello. OK, sorry for keeping you waiting
there will be a chance for that at a later stage but those of you who want to get your cheque books open
All right so, ladies and gentleman... Andy Millman
Oh, he's a deaf bugger
Andy Millman!
Hi
Hello
You all right?
Yeah
I saw you on the TV
Did you?
Okay
Good
Where are we going?
Somewhere where no one cares who I am
Back to the Ivy then?
Seriously, somewhere where no one knows me
Hollywood?
The hits keep coming
What do you want me to tell them? They've been sitting for three fucking hours!
Just say "Oh, sorry, we lost him?!" Move, fucking find him
Seriously, where do you want to go?
We can go anywhere? Yeah
Alright then
Where do the flying fish live?
In the sea
Let's go there then
Two first class tickets to the sea...