Flat white to go for Maury.
Maury?
Maura?
Mary?
- I made that one already. - Oh, who's this for?
Alexander. But keep up the good work.
- Okay. - So what'd you want to talk about?
Uh, I think it's maybe better if we do that in your office.
Oh. I'm so sorry you won't be gracing us with your presence anymore.
And I'll see you in about a week
when you quit whatever bullshit gig you're leaving for
and come back here begging for your old job again.
Ray, I know that it must hurt to see someone leave all of this,
but it's really not a bullshit job, so...
- RAY: What is it? - What?
The bullshit gig, what is it?
GQ magazine.
Did they need someone for a before picture in a makeover article?
Uh, no, it's a writing job.
They saw one of my pieces online
and I'm going to be working for a new section...
"Field Guide to the Urban Man."
Who's the sponsor?
What do you mean?
There's no way GQ hires you to be a staff writer.
So it's obviously one of those advertorial sections
where it looks like a real article so they trick you into reading it,
but then you find out it's a paid advertisement
which is both morally and creatively bankrupt.
So who's the sponsor?
Neiman Marcus.
(LAUGHS) Neiman Marcus?
Do you think I'm fucking excited, Ray?
Do you think that I think this is the best use
of my literary voice and my myriad talents?
Maybe we should talk about this back in my office.
- No. - Excuse me.
I already quit. There's no reason for me to go to your office.
RAY: Stop making a scene in front of the customers.
I am coming with you as a gesture of friendship.
Though I am not your employee, so I don't technically have to.
RAY: Right now! Ripped By mstoll
RAY: Set the pick!
Up high. Rotate.
Isolate. Clear out.
- I got you. Turn it up. - (BOTH YELL)
RAY: Here, and one.
Nice job.
(MEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM
(PHONE RINGING)
- Hannah Horvath's office. - MAN: Mike Lawson, please.
Okay, um, I'm new here, so, uh, maybe you just...
(DISCONNECTS)
Okay.
It's a cappuccino, Dean. It's not a cup of chino.
Okay? Fucking animals.
- (LINE RINGING) - (CLEARS THROAT)
Hello?
RAY: Yes, hi, I'm trying to reach Marnie Michaels, please.
This is she. May I ask who's calling?
- It's Ray. - I didn't recognize your voice.
Did you not recognize my voice?
No, I did. I'm calling you, so I already know...
You know, I was just going fora little joke there. What's up?
- How can I help you? - Right.
Uh, as to the matter at hand. Uh...
- (CLEARS THROAT) - I don't know if there is a matter at hand.
I was just calling just to check in with you, really,
and just to say that I, um...
I enjoyed spending time with you the other day.
Yeah, that was, um...
That was definitely unexpected. (CHUCKLES)
- Indeed, yes. Most unexpected indeed. - (MARNIE CLEARS THROAT)
So, anyway, yeah, I just wanted to check in and...
Could you stop saying "checking in"? It's fucking weird'
It's a fucking thing people say, okay?
Relax. I'm using semantic convention to sound accessible.
- Oh, my God. - Anyway, I'm calling you
just to say, you know, lets not let all this affect our friendship.
But we're not even friends.
Then so let's not let it affect that either.
Okay, will do.
Look, I'm trying here, okay?
I'm trying to follow the protocols of a gentleman and a squire.
- But if you keep... - Okay, thank you.
And, um, if you'll excuse me, I'm just in the middle
of watching a pretty interesting television program, so...
- Yeah? Which one? - Do you care?
- Not at all. - Okay, bye-bye.
(DISCONNECTS)
(CELLPHONE RINGING)
(BEEPS)
What?
- I do care. - About what?
About which shitty television program you're watching.
- I care. - Prove it.
(DISCONNECTS)
Marnie?
- Hey. - Hey.
- What's up? - Nothing much.
Yo.
(CHUCKLES) Can I help you with something?
Sorry, I was just screwing with you. Sorry. (CHUCKLES)
- Hey, I'm Joe. - Hannah.
- Nice to meet you. - I know. I know all about you.
I read your piece about, um...
(WHISPERS) Cocaine on JazzHate.com. It was very funny.
Yeah, I feel like that wasn't as retweeted as it should have been.
- So I appreciate the support. - No, I'm not on Twitter.
- But, uh, I'll instagram it later if you want. - (CHUCKLES)
I don't think that even makes sense.
- So... - No, it doesn't.
I bet you're probably wondering right now, "Where do I go to pee?"
I'm really wondering that.
Yeah, no one tells anyone anything around here.
They just assume you have corporate sonar.
Yeah, but I wouldn't call this a corporate job.
I mean, this is GQ magazine. It's a literary institution.
(SHUSHES) Careful.
You don't want the real GQ writers hearing you say you work at GQ.
- Wait, why? - They're really fucking snobby
about the difference between editorial and advertorial.
I don't know if you heard about that,
but, which is such fucking bullshit because we all work at the same magazine.
You know? We're all here just selling our souls.
Totally won't say it again.
Anyway, um, enough blabbering.
Um, why don't I give you a quick tour?
Okay. Great.
Uh, the women's room is back this way.
Unless you want to see the snack room first.
You just said "snack room" and everything blurred.
(CHUCKLES)
And then there's donuts
and finger sandwiches in the afternoon.
- Finger sandwiches? Cool. - Finger sandwiches.
- So help yourself. - Oh, uh, I don't know.
Maybe later. I'm on kind of a budget. I don't know.
Is it like... Do you swipe your employee ID or is it an honor system?
(CHUCKLES) What? No, it's all free.
- It's free? - It's all free.
- You're saying all this is free? - Yeah.
- Even the Sun Chips? - Yeah.
- Even the Clif Bars? - Yeah.
Even the lox, which is disgusting, but very expensive?
It's actually Russ & Daughters. It's pretty good.
Oh, my God.
Mmm. It's 11:45. We got to go.
Just give me one moment to catch up with you.
Guys, this is Hannah. Han...
Hannah?
- Hi. - Hey.
Um, I'm Hannah,
and I feel I may have overdone it on the snacks a little bit.
No, I said I needed a christening dress.
So what's the problem?
Christening dresses are usually white, aren't they?
Not the chic ones.
And also, isn't that small for a one-year-old?
Uh, no, unless your child is morbidly obese,
in which case I can't help you.
- All right, I'll take it. - Fabulous.
Anyways, as I was saying,
Ray really seems to have the respect of his peers on the court.
Oh, that's amazing.
It's really hard for a Jew to gain respect in sports.
Mmm. Mmm-hmm.
He's not a Jew, though.
Right.
So his new coffee place
is such a refreshing departure from the average java house grind.
- I've never been there. - Oh, no, me neither.
That's just what Time Out New York said.
"Despite the unfortunate familiarity of its name,
"Ray's is a refreshing departure from the average java house grind."
Ray is being written about in popular service publications and my life is a mess.
And I know that that was a personal choice,
but I feel like maybe it is time for me to unchoose that choice.
Like, step one, I need to be in a solid, mature, committed relationship
with someone who understands my goals and values.
Like Berren.
Is that the guy with the deep V?
You're right. Parker's a much better choice.
He's just so stupid
that I worry that our children wouldn't get into preschool.
See, I live with my boyfriend in Brooklyn.
Oh, nice. You're shacking up.
- I guess so. Um... - What does he do?
Like, a little bit of this and a little bit of that.
Karen's boyfriend is actually in a very similar field.
He was in a very similar field.
Wait' so it's officially over between you and Jake,
or he just finally got a real job?
- It's like a little bit of both. - (CHUCKLES) Right, right.
- But which one? - Hi, everyone.
- KEVIN: Hello. - I see you've met Hannah.
- Hannah, you've met the team? - Yep.
And I see you found the snack room as well.
Oh, yeah. These are not just for me.
Great. All right. So reiterating once again,
"The Field Guide for the Urban Male."
- We need eight types. - Mmm-hmm.
Something like you'd find in a bird watchers' manual, but funny.
Not corny funny, smart.
Client doesn't want a bunch of sarcastic bullshit.
I also want you to be thinking about the corresponding looks
that Neiman Marcus could roll out to store windows and catalogues.
So far we have the Millennial Man's Man,
Mr. Midnight, and the Gowanus Yachtsman.
So let's hear what else you guys have.
Hannah.
Okay, I haven't come up with a name for this yet,
but it's like he's a dad, but he's not trying to be the coolest dad.
But he's also embracing vintage Bill Cosbyish dadness,
so that actually inherently makes him cool.
- And what would you call it? - Classic Dad?
- Or, um, Dad Classic. - That's good.
Or, if you want to be a little sassy,
- "Kewl Dad," cool spelled K-E-W-L. - (CHUCKLES)
- Kewl Dad? - Kewl Dad.
Yeah, that's a type worth considering. Anyone else?
I have another. Um, the Kaballer.
He is a little sleazy.
You know, he's out looking for sex,
but he's wearing a kabbalah bracelet so you know he's spiritual,
and he'd, like, fuck some serious enlightenment into you.
Oh, no, big-time. He's got, like, drawstring yoga pants,
- widow's peak like Justin Theroux. - 100%.
Neiman Marcus doesn't sell a widow's peak,
but worth considering. I'll write that down.
Anyone else?
The Mod Hatter.
So like a snappy dresser in an understated hat?
Sort of.
Okay, I think we have to make sure that it's not like
a "Hey, look at me. I'm wearing a fedora or a pork pie hat."
- Yeah, fedoras are worse than genocide. - The worst.
No, I mean Mod Hatter,
as in one of those guys you see walking down the street...
Kevin, you know, I actually don't think that's a type.
I think that's just some guy you saw.
- Thank you, Kevin. - You're welcome.
Anyone else?
I have a couple more.
Has anyone ever, like, gotten in trouble for overdoing it with the snacks?
Has anyone ever been spoken to?
Girl, I gained, like, 14 pounds my first week here.
I never want to see another Sun Chip again.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE) - See you soon.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hannah Horvath's office.
JOE: Hey, yo, it's Joe.
- Hi. Mmm-hmm. - I believe we've met. Remember me?
Look to your left.
Other left.
- Hello. - Hey.
Okay, Kevin hates me.
I mean, I'm used to people being belittled by my rapid-fire mind pace, but this is...
- Did Karen say anything? - About what?
About me.
No, why? Are you, like, into Karen or something?
(SHUSHES) No. I mean, maybe.
I don't know.
(STUTTERS) Why, did she say that she thinks I'm into her?
We really did not discuss it.
Yeah, that sounds like Karen.
She's so taciturn and guarded and (SIGHS) complicated.
Well, have you ever asked her out?
Yes, once.
Almost. (STAMMERS)
Don't tell her that I told you that I almost asked her out once.
- I'm not telling Karen anything. - Good.
You're a total psycho.
Okay, thanks.
Anyway... Shit. I've got to go.
- Okay. - Lose my number.
MAN ON LAPTOP: Up next...
- WOMAN: This psycho bitch wants to tell... - (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Hey. - Yo.
Uh, could you take your shoes off' please?
Yeah, wouldn't want to scuff this pristine linoleum you got here.
I brought you some vegan muffins.
Wow, muffins from the place you run.
What an extravagant gesture.
Yeah, would have brought you some scones, but we're running a little low.
So, ready to watch some, uh, shitty TV?
No one asked you to come here.
Look, I know you're going through a hard time lately.
Okay? And I also know that's the last thing you'd ever admit to anyone.
Okay? So why don't we just sit down together
like not friends and you could introduce me to your televiewing sensibilities?
Well, have you ever seen reality television before?
I've seen Ken Burns' jazz documentary about 17 times.
- Does that count? Absolutely not.
No way. No, it doesn't.
Um, okay, let's see.
Which Real Housewives locale is the most intriguing to you?
The one set in Prague.
- Beverly Hills? - Sure.
Okay.
- (CLICKS) - WOMAN: I paid Shana. Left her $400, 000...
(ADAM GRUNTS)
- Hi. - (GROANS)
Hi. (CHUCKLES)
- Hi, my love. - (GRUNTING)
Oh, you are so excited to see me.
(BOTH MOANING)
- How was it? - It was amazing.
I mean, I was nervous at first,
but then they were like, "Tell us your ideas."
And I told them my ideas, and they all said, "Great ideas."
- Yeah. - And then...
This is all free.
It's all shit.
It's all full of chemicals and fake salt and pigeon bones.
This is just beef.
(CLATTERS)
Well, anyway, I didn't pay for any of it, so...
How was your day?
Had another fucking audition.
That's great! How was it?
Well, I walk in and they have the videotape camera.
And the casting woman was like, "Look into the camera.
"Give us a smile and say your name."
These fucking people. And so I looked in the camera and I said,
"Hi, my name is Adam Sackler and I don't smile on command."
And she was like, "It's called fucking acting."
I was like, "No, it's called fucking see ya 'cause I'm fucking out of here."
What a total bitch.
But, you know, if you really want to get an acting job...
I don't want to get an actual job.
Then why are you going on auditions?
The challenge.
I just like reading emotional cues from strangers
in a high-pressure situation.
Yeah, that definitely makes sense.
But you know what else would be a cool, fun challenge?
Would be, like, actually getting a job.
And then we'd be able to pay all of our rent
and we'd never have to worry.
I could sell these on Etsy for, like, 20 bucks each.
People are fucking stupid.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
- Marnie. - (SHUSHES)
Marnie, sorry to interrupt. I think I slipped out.
- Okay. Okay. Yes. - Would you mind putting it back in?
- Okay. Okay. - Okay, yeah.
- Okay. - That's much better.
- Thank you. - Okay, you're welcome.
Hey, Kevin.
I'm really sorry if I upset you during the meeting yesterday.
You really didn't.
Well, you rolled your eyes at me, so...
I really didn't.
Come on, dude. What's your problem?
I just don't like you.
Oh, come on. Who even says that?
It's 'cause I had, like, one better idea than you?
No, it's because I don't like your face.
Wait, my face?
You're not ugly. I am not saying that.
I'm just not into it. It annoys me.
Your mouth...
It makes me want to rip it off your face.
You look like someone I dated who I hated even while I was dating them.
Man or a woman?
- Oh, come on. - I wasn't trying to be a jerk.
I want to know if you think I look like a woman or a man.
- Great. - Kevin, I don't want to fight.
Come on, what can I do?
I don't know, get a new face?
Everyone knows I'm the Sun Chip guy here.
You know what? I'm gonna say this
because nobody else around here will say it,
but you're doing a dope job.
Oh, uh, thank you so much.
- Yeah, dope by Janice's standards. - Word.
You're really gonna make a name for yourself.
Thank you so much, but I'm not really trying to make a name for myself.
I mean, I just kind of want to get in, get out.
I'm not looking to take Janice's job.
Why not?
'Cause I'm a writer.
Yeah, we're all writers.
Yeah, but I'm like, no offense, just a writer writer.
Not like a corporate advertising, working-for-the-man kind of writer.
Who is? Kevin over here won a Yale Series
of Younger Poets award back in 2009.
- KAREN: Mmm-hmm. - You're a poet?
I dabble in the dark ans.
And Karen has had some great pieces in n+1.
It was a while ago, but, yeah.
It's like an unpacking of the Jersey Shore through an imperialist lens.
JOE: That was such a totally great piece. KAREN: No, it's not.
Are any of you jerks gonna say my thing, or do I have to say it myself?
Joe had a talk piece in The New Yorker.
He wasn't even a year out of college.
JOE: Which is how I got this job, by the way.
And thank God I did 'cause I was, like,
right on the verge of packing it in and moving back to Arizona.
KEVIN: Me, too. Not Arizona, but...
No health insurance, no dental, no corporate gym membership.
But you all still write, like, your own pieces and stuff, right?
Like your own spiritually fulfilling work?
KEVIN: I don't know about that, but we write.
Yeah, of course. Sometimes.
Yeah, I'm thinking about some ideas for things.
I'm gonna dive back in as soon as I figure out my next move.
How long you all been here?
JOE: Five years. KAREN: Three years.
KEVIN: Forever.
(SIGHS)
I'm so sorry. I just need one minute.
I don't regret a single moment of my wild months,
but those oats have been sowed and now it's time to get back to reality.
- Totally. - But, I mean, I have a history, Parker.
I have been there and I have done that.
I'm very Je Ne Regrette Rien-y about it,
but is that something that you think you can handle?
Caitlyn told me that you told her
that I was literally the dumbest person you had ever met.
Um, that's just weird.
And she said that I... (STAMMERS)
I couldn't find the library,
which is now obviously not true.
Okay, you're getting off topic.
Also, does that sound like something that I would say?
No. That sounds like one of Caitlyn's stupid jokes
because she thinks she's so provocative.
- Okay. - But if you don't think you're ready
for a serious girlfriend-boyfriend relationship, tell me now
because I do not have any more time to waste on frivolities.
I'm down for whatever.
I totally think you can tie your shoes, by the way.
Hey, Janice, do you have a minute?
Sure, Hannah. Come on in. Have a seat.
Thank you.
You know, you've been doing a great job.
Oh, uh, thank you.
You remind me a lot of myself 10 years ago.
Uh, thank you. Um, speaking of which,
uh, I don't want to be here in 10 years.
- Why not? - I don't know.
I'm just realizing how easy it is to get seduced by the perks
and the money and the free snacks.
And then suddenly I wake up in 10 years and I'm not a writer anymore,
I'm a former writer who works in corporate advertising.
And that is not my plan.
All right, Hannah. There's a lot of other people
who would love to have your job.
That's it?
That's it.
Hey, Janice. You know, I actually thought about it
and I have decided to stay if my position is still open.
I'm putting copper pipes in my house. I really can't deal with this right now.
You want to just e-mail me and let me know if you still work here?
Aren't you supposed to work today?
No, I texted Keith and told him to open.
- Huh. - He's a good man.
Yeah. I keep meaning to come down and...
Oh, shit.
Fucking doppelgängers.
MARNIE: Yeah, and they look just like Hannah and Adam, too.
Yeah, that's what "doppelgängers" means.
- No doy, Ray. - Ah, good one, Michaels.
Thank you. I know what "doppelgänger" means.
So wait, Hannah told me that you were fundraising
for inner-city schools or something?
- Is that right? - (CHUCKLES) No, no, it's not right.
That's classic Hannah hyperbole.
All I did was put a jar by the register
so people can make donations if they wanted to.
- Oh. that's like... - Yeah, that's nothing.
I'm not like George Soros or something.
Yeah, no. Not at all.
One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't spend
a semester abroad in Africa, you know,
doing volunteer work and stuff like that.
Well, you know, maybe that's for the best.
- What do you mean? - Well, you know, I mean,
I think it's pretty clear by now that Western aid
has been shown to be the very thing
keeping Africa so impoverished and underdeveloped.
Maybe it's a good thing. Teach a man to fish and all that.
That's a little bit racist, Ray.
That's not even a little bit racist.
That's not even remotely racist, okay?
That's a rigorous truth about a very flawed policy.
- And it's a little bit fucking racist. - (SCOFFS)
- Okay, let's skip it. - Dude, what's your fucking problem?
- What is my problem? - Yeah.
My problem is I don't understand how you can be so completely dumb.
- Oh, my God. - That's my problem.
- Dumb? - Yeah, not technically dumb,
but, you know, at a core spiritual level.
Well, at least I'm not the one crying about how I'm too smart for grad school.
How dumb is that?
Okay, I never said too smart. I said too wise.
Okay, well, if you're so wise, then why are you running
a coffee shop in Bumfuck, Brooklyn?
I could ask you the same question right now about those bracelets.
Who goes to the gym with pavé diamond bracelets?
These aren't fucking pave.
They're not even close to pavé.
You don't even know what pavé is. Who's the dumb one now?
Okay, look, you may think my position is counterintuitive,
but it comes from a deep and unwavering love for Africa and its peoples.
Okay, I love Africa!
Fucking weird thing to say.
Okay.
That didn't...
That didn't come out the way I wanted it to.
- Which part? - Most of it.
Most of the back end part of it.
I apologize for that. Could you please sit down?
Why?
'Cause you have no one else to eat lunch with
and neither do I.
Thank you.
- Dumplings were pretty good. - Mmm-hmm.
Should we get some more? - Hmm.
Excuse me, ma'am. Could we get some more dumplings, please?
(SNIFFLES)
(PHONE RINGING)
(VOICE BREAKING) Hannah Horvath.
JOE: Are you crying?
No. Why, did someone hear me or something?
Uh, no, but you're okay?
Mmm.
Uh, yeah. I'm okay.
Okay. Good.
You know, you could still be a writer and do this job.
You've just got to... (SIGHS) You've got to maintain your focus, you know?
You've got to write every night after work and on the weekends.
- Is that what you do or... - Yeah, that's what I do.
I mean, no, I've definitely slacked off a little bit
in the past year or two, but it's doable.
No, you know what? You're right.
You're so right. Nights and weekends.
Exactly. Anyway, I've got to go.
Okay, so now that we're officially a couple,
I think that we should have no less than four hang nights a week.
- Cool. - Um, potential hang night activities include
- non-sports TVwatching, um, light reading... - (MOANING)
...um, board games,
- um, comparing playlists. - (GRUNTS)
Can we maybe just talk about this later?
Um, honest and open communication about mutual needs
is, like, the cornerstone to any healthy relationship.
I know, but I just...
If you're afraid of intimacy, then maybe you're just not ready for this.
- Do you want me to stop? - No.
There's no need to terminate sex just because we're not meant for each other.
- God, you're so dumb, Parker. - (GROANS)
- Can you pull that harder? - (MOANS)
- Thanks. - (GRUNTS)
We could also, like, just snuggle.
- Like sometimes just snuggling is good. - I like snuggling so much.
(GRUNTS)
Well, today was not as good as yesterday.
- So... - (SOBBING)
What's wrong, Adam?
(CONTINUES SOBBING)
What's going on?
I got a callback from an audition that I killed.
I fucking murdered it.
I cut its fucking guts out and left it in a dumpster by the side of the road.
Oh, my God! I'm so happy for you.
But, baby, I actually have to go and write right now
because I'm doing a new thing where I write every night for three hours no matter what.
- No, no, no, no. - Yes, yes, yes.
It's for our future. I love you.
I really do. I'm so proud of you
and I can't wait to hear all about it later
when I'm done with my writing time.
You should have seen these other fucking jabronis
they called in for the audition.
They were all keyed up and nervous like it really mattered.
And I... I...
You know, I showed up late because I wasn't even sure if I was gonna go.
So I kind of got there last minute and they just slipped me in.
Only had 10 minutes to look at the sides that they'd given me.
Oh, thank you. Ripped By mstoll
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