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Guys with Kids is taped in
front of a live studio audience.
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00:00:03,751 --> 00:00:05,652
Smith has the ball.
He's looking to pass it.
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00:00:05,787 --> 00:00:07,320
Gives it to Anthony.
Anthony may drive.
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00:00:07,354 --> 00:00:09,489
No, he kicks it off to Novak
for the three.
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And it's good.
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Bam.
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Yeah.
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Nick, I got
a serious parenting dilemma.
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Talk to me.
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Hey, hey, hold on.
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Why do you only ever ask Nick
to solve
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your parenting dilemmas?
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He's got two kids.
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I've got, like, four.
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"Like, four." Yes, why
wouldn't I seek your counsel?
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It's hard
to keep track, man.
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I haven't slept
in six years.
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I'm tired.
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This morning,
I tried to put a shirt
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on my legs
for five minutes.
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I love you, kids, but you're
making daddy stupid.
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What's your dilemma, Chris?
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Well, it's time to feed Ernie,
and at this stage
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in his development,
he needs to drink whole milk,
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but the bar only has 2%.
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What do I do?
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You know what a dilemma is,
right, Chris?
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A dilemma is having to decide
which of your rugby teammates
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you're gonna eat
to stay alive.
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Look, I just don't want
to screw up.
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- Sheila already doesn't trust me.
- Stop. Stop. Okay?
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Sheila doesn't get
to play into this.
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You guys are divorced.
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Ernie is your kid too.
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You need to stand up
to her.
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Yeah.
Your kid was wearing
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a beret the other day.
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That's not right.
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I know. I try to stand up to her,
but it's pointless.
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I can't win,
'cause she just says,
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"He grew inside me,"
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and boom,
argument's over,
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Ernie can't watch Goodfellas with me.
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You talking to me?
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You talking to me,
goodfellas?
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I don't know
what you're doing.
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That's not a line
from anything.
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Oh, my God.
Your baby's adorable.
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Thank you.
Yeah.
50
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- What's wrong with him?
- Hey.
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Excuse me, excuse me.
Hi.
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I'm sorry.
My friend here's a little rusty.
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And I think
what he meant to say was,
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"Thank you.
My name is Chris.
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"I am single,
I'm a lawyer,
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"And although I feel
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"that stationery
is an appropriate gift
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"to give to a close friend,
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I'm a pretty cool guy, and I'd
love to buy you a drink."
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That is what you meant
to say, right, Chris?
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Yes.
That is what I meant to say.
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And stationery
is a timeless gift.
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Can we buy you a drink?
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Sure.
Why not?
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Oh, how could I say no
to that face?
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Okay.
Smell check.
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Yeah, we're good.
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# Life is how you're living #
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# ooh-ooh #
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# wake up
where you want to be #
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# hey, hey #
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# you and me #
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# we're happy #
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# ooh-ooh #
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# we need our friends
like the sun #
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# why would you walk
when you can run? #
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# everybody sing along #
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# why would you walk
when you can run? #
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Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
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Megan invited me
to the Knicks game.
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Ooh, boom.
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Boom.
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00:03:00,116 --> 00:03:02,017
Nicely done,
little wingman.
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00:03:02,052 --> 00:03:03,719
- Way to hook your dad up.
- Yeah.
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That was my job
in college.
86
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And like you I often had puke
on my shirt.
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Huh?
88
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Wait, wait, wait,
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I can't go
to the game with Megan.
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I have Ernie till Monday
this week.
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Hey, figure it out.
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You have a chance
to go to the Knicks game
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with a beautiful woman.
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I'm a stay-at-home dad
with four kids.
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You know what I do every day?
96
00:03:22,271 --> 00:03:25,205
I stay at home
with four kids
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while Marny gets to go
to work,
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and Clark,
he broke our TV.
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Do you have any idea
how desperate
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00:03:30,044 --> 00:03:31,311
my situation is?
Look at me.
101
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Look what you've done to me!
102
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I'm all riled up!
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Just get Sheila
to watch him.
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No. No way.
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If I tell Sheila
I have a date--
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Stop. Stop.
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She does not get to tell you
what to do any more.
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We do.
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And you're going.
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Look, Chris, this is
why you moved into our building.
111
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So we could look after you
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and play with your life.
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Hi, Ernie.
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00:04:01,740 --> 00:04:04,109
Sheila, how did you get
in my apartment?
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I had a key made.
116
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Did you hear that, Chris?
117
00:04:07,446 --> 00:04:09,381
Your ex-wife had a key made
to your apartment.
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Fun.
Normal.
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What are you doing here?
120
00:04:14,185 --> 00:04:15,719
Well, I'm here
to make sure
121
00:04:15,753 --> 00:04:16,921
that your apartment is safe
for our son.
122
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Now I see that you've painted.
123
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Is it lead-free?
124
00:04:19,490 --> 00:04:20,824
No, it's lead-only.
125
00:04:20,858 --> 00:04:22,726
I ordered it from the '50s.
126
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Oh, I don't miss that.
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And did you see
the abandoned well
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that we dug in the bathroom?
129
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Oh, I don't miss you.
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Oh, hey, would you mind
watching Ernie
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- for a bit tomorrow?
- Why?
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I have a date.
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A date.
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00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:45,447
- Yes.
- Then no.
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00:04:46,481 --> 00:04:48,483
Right.
Right, 'cause, God forbid
136
00:04:48,517 --> 00:04:50,185
I actually move on
with my life--
137
00:04:50,719 --> 00:04:54,255
Or is it maybe that I have
a date myself, Chris?
138
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- You have a date?
- Yes, I do.
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With, like, a man?
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Okay.
Go away, Nick.
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00:05:00,729 --> 00:05:02,329
- Good-bye, Nick.
- Bye, Sheila.
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00:05:02,363 --> 00:05:04,665
This is the scary lady
I was telling you about.
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00:05:07,234 --> 00:05:08,869
Come on,
you don't really have a date.
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00:05:08,903 --> 00:05:10,904
You're just jealous
that I have one.
145
00:05:10,939 --> 00:05:12,739
No, I do, Chris.
146
00:05:12,774 --> 00:05:15,876
I have a date with a very tall
and attractive man no less,
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00:05:15,910 --> 00:05:19,545
a very tall and attractive
professional athlete man.
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00:05:19,580 --> 00:05:22,615
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
149
00:05:23,149 --> 00:05:26,586
You have a date
with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?
150
00:05:26,620 --> 00:05:28,488
- Yes.
- How'd you meet?
151
00:05:29,522 --> 00:05:31,491
J-Date.
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00:05:31,525 --> 00:05:33,459
Okay, fine,
fine, don't help.
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00:05:33,493 --> 00:05:35,560
- I'll just get a babysitter.
- No, no, no, no.
154
00:05:35,595 --> 00:05:38,229
Chris, no babysitters.
We've talked about this.
155
00:05:38,263 --> 00:05:40,264
They just throw your kid
in front of a TV
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00:05:40,299 --> 00:05:42,567
and talk on their phone
while drinking your wine
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00:05:42,602 --> 00:05:45,470
and making bathtub meth
with your cold medicine.
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00:05:45,505 --> 00:05:49,974
- Sheila, look, I'm sure--
- Chris, he grew inside me.
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Fine.
You win again.
160
00:05:53,344 --> 00:05:56,680
Thank you.
Okay. Hi, Ernie.
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00:05:56,715 --> 00:05:58,782
Oh.
I will see you on Monday.
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00:05:58,817 --> 00:06:01,418
Okay?
Be good.
163
00:06:01,452 --> 00:06:02,887
- Okay, here you go.
- Hi, buddy.
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00:06:02,921 --> 00:06:05,188
Okay.
165
00:06:05,223 --> 00:06:07,456
Ernie,
166
00:06:07,491 --> 00:06:09,358
I am getting you
a babysitter.
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00:06:09,393 --> 00:06:11,561
And Mommy is gonna like it
168
00:06:11,595 --> 00:06:13,195
because she's not gonna know
about it.
169
00:06:20,247 --> 00:06:21,313
Hello.
170
00:06:21,314 --> 00:06:22,682
Come in.
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00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:23,716
Hey, guys.
172
00:06:23,751 --> 00:06:25,584
Glad I caught you
at home.
173
00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:28,319
I'm always at home.
174
00:06:28,954 --> 00:06:32,056
Right, so can I get the name
of your babysitter?
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00:06:32,090 --> 00:06:33,625
Babysitter?
176
00:06:33,659 --> 00:06:36,027
Yeah, you know,
someone you pay to come over
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00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:38,196
and watch your kids
while you have fun.
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00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:39,364
Fun?
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00:06:39,398 --> 00:06:41,233
Oh, yeah, you remember fun.
180
00:06:41,267 --> 00:06:44,268
That thing we used to have
before all this magic
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00:06:44,302 --> 00:06:46,203
came into our lives.
182
00:06:46,238 --> 00:06:49,006
So just the name
of your babysitter.
183
00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:52,042
Do you really think
we have the disposable income
184
00:06:52,077 --> 00:06:53,744
to pay people
to watch these kids?
185
00:06:53,779 --> 00:06:57,148
There are four of them.
186
00:06:57,182 --> 00:06:59,682
They have bled us dry.
187
00:06:59,716 --> 00:07:03,219
They broke the TV, man.
188
00:07:03,254 --> 00:07:06,589
We have nothing.
189
00:07:09,994 --> 00:07:14,297
That means
you have nothing too.
190
00:07:17,233 --> 00:07:18,733
Mommy!
191
00:07:18,768 --> 00:07:20,635
Hey, how was
the princess party?
192
00:07:20,670 --> 00:07:22,037
Fun.
193
00:07:22,071 --> 00:07:23,705
Daddy, chase me.
194
00:07:23,739 --> 00:07:25,974
Okay.
Here I come.
195
00:07:26,009 --> 00:07:29,377
I'm chasing you.
196
00:07:29,412 --> 00:07:32,880
Oh, remember, we have
that ridiculous fundraiser
197
00:07:32,915 --> 00:07:34,916
at Violet's school
tomorrow night.
198
00:07:34,950 --> 00:07:37,285
Oh, no.
199
00:07:37,319 --> 00:07:38,886
What's the theme this year?
200
00:07:38,921 --> 00:07:41,289
"Set sail for a night
of fun and dancing
201
00:07:41,323 --> 00:07:44,792
aboard the ship of dreams--
the Titanic."
202
00:07:44,827 --> 00:07:46,827
And what happens
at the end of the night?
203
00:07:46,861 --> 00:07:48,261
You hog a piece of driftwood
204
00:07:48,296 --> 00:07:50,897
that could easily accommodate
the both of us?
205
00:07:55,002 --> 00:07:57,670
Hey, Ernie.
206
00:07:57,705 --> 00:07:59,973
I hear you have a hot date
tomorrow night.
207
00:08:00,007 --> 00:08:01,607
- I do.
- Ooh.
208
00:08:01,642 --> 00:08:03,909
I hope she's condescending
like Sheila
209
00:08:03,910 --> 00:08:05,677
'cause I miss feeling badly
210
00:08:05,712 --> 00:08:07,579
about my clothes
and education.
211
00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:09,181
- All right.
- I went to Colgate.
212
00:08:09,216 --> 00:08:10,716
That is a good school.
213
00:08:10,750 --> 00:08:14,153
She can't hurt us here.
Okay?
214
00:08:14,187 --> 00:08:16,822
Megan seems great,
but Sheila won't watch Ernie,
215
00:08:16,857 --> 00:08:18,657
so I need a babysitter.
216
00:08:18,691 --> 00:08:20,091
Sheila's cool with you
getting a sitter?
217
00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:21,192
No, couldn't be less cool with it.
218
00:08:21,227 --> 00:08:22,693
Going behind her back.
219
00:08:22,728 --> 00:08:23,761
Oh, have Carleen watch him.
220
00:08:23,795 --> 00:08:24,896
Babies love her.
221
00:08:24,930 --> 00:08:26,030
She's got big,
222
00:08:26,065 --> 00:08:27,165
squishy grandma boobs.
223
00:08:27,199 --> 00:08:28,599
Yeah.
Kids sink into 'em
224
00:08:28,633 --> 00:08:30,835
like they're made
out of nerf.
225
00:08:30,870 --> 00:08:32,770
Perfect.
226
00:08:32,804 --> 00:08:33,838
So what are you gonna wear
on your date?
227
00:08:33,873 --> 00:08:35,873
Uh...
I was thinking this.
228
00:08:35,907 --> 00:08:38,608
No. No. Okay, I'm gonna take
you shopping tomorrow,
229
00:08:38,642 --> 00:08:41,879
unless you're gonna take her out
to a Christian rock concert.
230
00:08:49,287 --> 00:08:52,654
Can I help you gentlemen
find anything?
231
00:08:52,655 --> 00:08:53,923
Yeah, hi,
232
00:08:53,957 --> 00:08:55,691
my friend here is
recently divorced,
233
00:08:55,725 --> 00:08:57,760
and he's got a hot date
in a few hours,
234
00:08:57,794 --> 00:08:59,996
and he needs to look...
235
00:09:00,030 --> 00:09:02,999
Better than this.
236
00:09:03,033 --> 00:09:06,168
Yes, I understand.
I'll pull a few things.
237
00:09:06,203 --> 00:09:09,905
Guys, I'm really glad
you pushed me.
238
00:09:09,939 --> 00:09:11,739
I'm getting a sitter.
I'm going on a date.
239
00:09:11,774 --> 00:09:14,943
This is big. I feel
like I'm moving on with my life.
240
00:09:14,977 --> 00:09:16,544
Clarky.
241
00:09:16,578 --> 00:09:18,213
Don't you put that
in your underwear.
242
00:09:18,247 --> 00:09:20,715
Don't.
243
00:09:20,749 --> 00:09:22,950
Well, looks
like I'm buying a tie.
244
00:09:22,984 --> 00:09:26,120
Wait.
No, what?
245
00:09:26,154 --> 00:09:27,888
Your sitter
just cancelled on me.
246
00:09:27,923 --> 00:09:30,190
Tipoff's in, like, two hours.
What am I gonna do?
247
00:09:30,225 --> 00:09:32,159
Okay. All right.
We're not gonna panic, right?
248
00:09:32,193 --> 00:09:33,560
We're gonna figure this out.
249
00:09:33,594 --> 00:09:34,962
We are the same two guys
who figured out
250
00:09:34,996 --> 00:09:36,163
how to get back from Cancun
251
00:09:36,197 --> 00:09:38,899
with no clothes
and no passports.
252
00:09:38,933 --> 00:09:40,699
- We called your mom.
- Yeah.
253
00:09:40,734 --> 00:09:44,703
And if necessary,
we will call her again.
254
00:09:44,738 --> 00:09:46,039
Forget it.
It's a sign.
255
00:09:46,073 --> 00:09:47,740
I'm not supposed
to go on this date.
256
00:09:47,774 --> 00:09:48,975
Sheila didn't want me
getting a sitter anyway.
257
00:09:49,009 --> 00:09:50,977
Hey, hey,
you are not gonna bail.
258
00:09:51,011 --> 00:09:53,679
I will watch Ernie.
You are going on your date.
259
00:09:53,713 --> 00:09:55,580
All right.
That's settled.
260
00:09:56,614 --> 00:09:58,250
Clarky.
261
00:09:58,284 --> 00:09:59,884
That's a shoehorn, buddy.
262
00:09:59,919 --> 00:10:03,055
That doesn't go there.
263
00:10:10,029 --> 00:10:14,298
Ernie, are you ready to tap
dance on the edge of insanity?
264
00:10:14,333 --> 00:10:15,766
Huh?
265
00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:17,601
Hey, Ernie.
266
00:10:17,635 --> 00:10:18,970
Is Chris here?
267
00:10:19,004 --> 00:10:20,871
No, Carleen cancelled
on him,
268
00:10:20,905 --> 00:10:23,740
so I am gonna take care--
269
00:10:23,775 --> 00:10:25,242
wow.
270
00:10:25,277 --> 00:10:27,010
You look...
271
00:10:27,044 --> 00:10:30,713
Like you are going somewhere.
272
00:10:30,747 --> 00:10:33,683
Nick, we have
Violet's school thing.
273
00:10:33,717 --> 00:10:35,852
I was under the impression
you did not want to go to that.
274
00:10:35,886 --> 00:10:39,022
- I was looking forward to it.
- You said it seemed ridiculous.
275
00:10:39,056 --> 00:10:41,191
- That's not the point.
- What is the point?
276
00:10:41,225 --> 00:10:44,960
Do you need me to explain
what the point is?
277
00:10:45,995 --> 00:10:48,630
Maybe just this one time.
278
00:10:48,664 --> 00:10:50,966
Okay,
279
00:10:51,001 --> 00:10:52,101
I know
how to make this better.
280
00:10:52,135 --> 00:10:54,669
I do.
281
00:10:54,704 --> 00:10:56,171
Do you want to watch
our wedding video?
282
00:10:56,206 --> 00:11:00,108
'Cause I'm almost done
editing that.
283
00:11:00,642 --> 00:11:01,675
Oh, my God.
284
00:11:03,310 --> 00:11:04,278
Emily!
285
00:11:05,714 --> 00:11:07,215
Don't judge me.
286
00:11:07,249 --> 00:11:09,083
How many relationships
have you made work?
287
00:11:09,118 --> 00:11:11,185
Huh?
Yeah?
288
00:11:11,220 --> 00:11:12,853
Nick just doesn't get it.
289
00:11:12,888 --> 00:11:16,056
He goes off to work,
and I am with the kids all day.
290
00:11:17,590 --> 00:11:18,591
Believe me,
291
00:11:18,626 --> 00:11:21,761
I know, and then, when you
do finally wind them down,
292
00:11:21,795 --> 00:11:24,297
they come back in and wind them
right back up
293
00:11:24,332 --> 00:11:26,666
and then have to take
an "emergency" call from work.
294
00:11:26,700 --> 00:11:28,335
Just when it's bath time.
295
00:11:28,369 --> 00:11:30,103
Just when it's
bath time.
296
00:11:30,138 --> 00:11:34,106
Oh, yes,
I'm horrible.
297
00:11:34,141 --> 00:11:35,741
I always tell you,
298
00:11:35,775 --> 00:11:37,076
staying home with the kids
299
00:11:37,110 --> 00:11:39,011
is the hardest job
in the world.
300
00:11:39,046 --> 00:11:40,112
And I love it.
301
00:11:40,147 --> 00:11:41,280
But tonight I wanted
302
00:11:41,314 --> 00:11:43,115
to board the lame Titanic
303
00:11:43,150 --> 00:11:46,252
and wear
these awesome elbow gloves
304
00:11:46,286 --> 00:11:50,021
and eat something other
than dinosaur chicken nuggets.
305
00:11:50,056 --> 00:11:52,924
Ooh, but how good
are those?
306
00:11:55,194 --> 00:11:58,129
He just doesn't understand
what my life is like.
307
00:11:58,164 --> 00:11:59,697
I get it.
308
00:11:59,731 --> 00:12:01,232
You know, I see it with Gary.
309
00:12:01,267 --> 00:12:04,101
How this man does it,
I don't know.
310
00:12:04,135 --> 00:12:05,902
He is a saint.
311
00:12:05,937 --> 00:12:07,637
Mm-hmm.
312
00:12:07,672 --> 00:12:10,774
And once in a while
he needs a break.
313
00:12:11,808 --> 00:12:15,145
- That's right.
- And so do you.
314
00:12:15,180 --> 00:12:18,848
You're dressed up to go out,
so I'm taking you out.
315
00:12:18,883 --> 00:12:20,116
- What?
- Get up. Let's go.
316
00:12:20,150 --> 00:12:23,286
Marny, you're a life saver.
317
00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:26,822
- Bye, Gary.
- What?
318
00:12:26,856 --> 00:12:28,824
Yoda, pick up the chips, man.
319
00:12:28,858 --> 00:12:32,095
Boy, if I had on the--
320
00:12:36,365 --> 00:12:39,968
Okay, kids, my wife may not
be taking my phone calls,
321
00:12:40,002 --> 00:12:42,170
but I refuse to let that ruin
your good time.
322
00:12:42,205 --> 00:12:47,275
And so, Freddie,
welcome to the octagon!
323
00:12:47,310 --> 00:12:50,878
Yes, you will--
324
00:12:50,913 --> 00:12:53,948
We don't like the octagon!
325
00:12:53,983 --> 00:12:55,149
Okay.
326
00:12:55,183 --> 00:12:57,184
Because of you,
I just got stuck
327
00:12:57,219 --> 00:13:00,755
in my apartment on a Sunday
with all four kids.
328
00:13:00,789 --> 00:13:02,056
- How's that my fault?
- Because my wife
329
00:13:02,091 --> 00:13:05,093
and your wife--
does that TV work?
330
00:13:06,729 --> 00:13:09,596
Oh, my God, we--
we're saved.
331
00:13:09,631 --> 00:13:12,232
Clark, Yoda,
come for a prayer.
332
00:13:16,337 --> 00:13:18,071
I keep it
at my parents' house.
333
00:13:18,106 --> 00:13:20,807
Wow. I've never gone
on a date with a girl
334
00:13:20,842 --> 00:13:22,943
who's caught a marlin.
335
00:13:22,977 --> 00:13:25,344
Clearly that
is what your mistake has been.
336
00:13:27,781 --> 00:13:30,582
Uh, it's my ex-wife.
337
00:13:30,617 --> 00:13:33,119
You're not gonna pick that up,
right?
338
00:13:34,653 --> 00:13:35,921
Go ahead.
I don't mind.
339
00:13:35,956 --> 00:13:37,657
Hi, Sheila.
What's up?
340
00:13:37,691 --> 00:13:39,058
Chris. You weren't answering
your phone.
341
00:13:39,092 --> 00:13:40,759
I'm a little worried
about Ernie.
342
00:13:40,793 --> 00:13:42,694
- Oh, he's fine.
- Let's go, Knicks!
343
00:13:42,728 --> 00:13:44,262
Who is that?
344
00:13:44,296 --> 00:13:46,597
Are you at the Knicks game?
345
00:13:46,632 --> 00:13:49,034
I said no babysitters.
346
00:13:49,068 --> 00:13:51,235
- Who is watching Ernie?
- Me. I am.
347
00:13:51,270 --> 00:13:53,638
So, if I go over
to your apartment right now,
348
00:13:53,673 --> 00:13:54,839
- you'll be there?
- What's she saying?
349
00:13:54,874 --> 00:13:56,974
Yeah.
Yeah, at home.
350
00:13:57,008 --> 00:13:58,175
Where else would I be?
351
00:13:58,209 --> 00:13:59,309
All right.
352
00:13:59,343 --> 00:14:01,545
We'll see.
353
00:14:01,579 --> 00:14:03,080
Everything okay?
354
00:14:03,114 --> 00:14:05,949
Yeah, I just need
to make a quick call.
355
00:14:05,984 --> 00:14:10,120
# I came to dance,
dance, dance, dance #
356
00:14:11,655 --> 00:14:14,223
Granted, the school function
sounded like a stupid event,
357
00:14:14,657 --> 00:14:16,325
but that's not the point.
358
00:14:16,359 --> 00:14:17,393
See, that's exactly
what she said.
359
00:14:17,427 --> 00:14:19,095
What is the point?
360
00:14:19,129 --> 00:14:21,363
The point,
my tall, idiotic friend,
361
00:14:21,398 --> 00:14:23,466
is that she doesn't care
about the event.
362
00:14:23,500 --> 00:14:25,067
She wants a night out.
363
00:14:25,102 --> 00:14:26,969
Dinner, dancing,
364
00:14:27,003 --> 00:14:29,003
her man dressed in a suit.
365
00:14:29,037 --> 00:14:31,206
Adult stuff.
366
00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:32,673
You're right.
I'm an idiot.
367
00:14:32,708 --> 00:14:35,243
Yeah, that's what
I've been saying.
368
00:14:35,277 --> 00:14:38,746
# We gonna rock this club,
we gonna go all night #
369
00:14:38,780 --> 00:14:40,582
Nick, where are you?
370
00:14:40,616 --> 00:14:42,217
Sheila is on her way over.
371
00:14:42,251 --> 00:14:45,085
She has a key.
Bolt the door.
372
00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:46,720
Why isn't he answering?
373
00:14:46,754 --> 00:14:48,422
What if something happened
to Ernie?
374
00:14:48,456 --> 00:14:50,424
I'm sure everything's fine.
375
00:14:50,458 --> 00:14:53,459
Maybe.
You hear stories.
376
00:14:53,494 --> 00:14:55,428
Megan, I'm so sorry.
377
00:14:55,462 --> 00:14:57,330
I got to go.
378
00:14:57,864 --> 00:14:59,699
Halvsies on some nachos?
379
00:15:00,234 --> 00:15:02,502
Who are you?
380
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:10,074
Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become
a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM
381
00:15:11,075 --> 00:15:12,376
Wow.
You're right.
382
00:15:12,411 --> 00:15:14,578
This is so much easier
than a bathtub.
383
00:15:14,613 --> 00:15:16,314
Yeah, the idea came to me
when I was rinsing off
384
00:15:16,348 --> 00:15:19,650
a rotisserie chicken
I recently dropped on the floor.
385
00:15:20,685 --> 00:15:22,252
- Where's Ernie?
- What are you doing here?
386
00:15:22,287 --> 00:15:24,722
Oh, thank God
you're okay.
387
00:15:25,256 --> 00:15:26,789
Why didn't you pick up
your phone?
388
00:15:26,824 --> 00:15:28,891
'Cause I was dancing
with Gary.
389
00:15:28,926 --> 00:15:31,627
Okay, everything's fine.
390
00:15:31,661 --> 00:15:33,629
Sheila's not here.
I made it.
391
00:15:33,663 --> 00:15:35,731
What'd you guys do
to my apartment?
392
00:15:35,765 --> 00:15:37,133
We got to clean this place up
393
00:15:37,167 --> 00:15:38,734
and get you guys out of here
before--
394
00:15:38,768 --> 00:15:40,002
Why is my son in a sink?
395
00:15:42,104 --> 00:15:44,672
Well, I recently dropped
a rotisserie chicken
396
00:15:44,707 --> 00:15:46,174
on the floor...
397
00:15:46,959 --> 00:15:49,044
Chris, what is wrong
with you?
398
00:15:49,078 --> 00:15:51,646
We specifically said
no babysitters.
399
00:15:57,553 --> 00:15:59,053
Come on, Sheila.
400
00:15:59,087 --> 00:16:00,921
We're gonna be late.
401
00:16:00,956 --> 00:16:03,224
You really had a date
with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?
402
00:16:03,258 --> 00:16:05,893
Yes, Chris.
I do not lie.
403
00:16:05,927 --> 00:16:08,896
Hi, I am just a huge fan
of yours.
404
00:16:08,930 --> 00:16:11,565
Um, and I actually have to go
patch things up with my wife,
405
00:16:11,599 --> 00:16:13,200
but I was wondering if,
before I go,
406
00:16:13,235 --> 00:16:16,002
I could get a photograph of you
pretending to dunk my son?
407
00:16:16,036 --> 00:16:17,937
Sure.
408
00:16:17,972 --> 00:16:19,973
That's a cool idea.
Do mine too.
409
00:16:20,007 --> 00:16:22,141
No.
No one's dunking any babies.
410
00:16:22,176 --> 00:16:25,111
- Why?
- Because it's a bad idea.
411
00:16:25,145 --> 00:16:27,881
How is it a bad idea?
It's awesome.
412
00:16:27,915 --> 00:16:30,183
- Chris, I said no.
- Okay, you can't just say no
413
00:16:30,217 --> 00:16:31,617
without having a good reason.
414
00:16:31,651 --> 00:16:33,285
I do have a good reason--
415
00:16:33,319 --> 00:16:35,855
Grew inside me.
416
00:16:40,994 --> 00:16:42,528
I don't care
where he grew.
417
00:16:42,562 --> 00:16:43,629
Woo.
Here we go.
418
00:16:43,663 --> 00:16:45,564
Hold on.
Wait for me.
419
00:16:45,599 --> 00:16:47,031
Excuse me?
420
00:16:47,065 --> 00:16:48,566
I ruined my date tonight
421
00:16:48,601 --> 00:16:50,001
because I let you
make me crazy,
422
00:16:50,035 --> 00:16:51,636
and I'm not letting you
do that any more.
423
00:16:51,670 --> 00:16:54,238
I am in charge of Ernie,
not you,
424
00:16:54,273 --> 00:16:55,740
so you're just gonna have
425
00:16:55,775 --> 00:16:57,542
to start trusting
my decisions, okay?
426
00:16:57,576 --> 00:16:59,010
I'm Ernie's dad,
and I know what I'm doing.
427
00:16:59,544 --> 00:17:03,246
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar,
dunk my baby.
428
00:17:03,281 --> 00:17:06,283
No.
Do not dunk that baby.
429
00:17:06,317 --> 00:17:08,251
- Dunk the baby.
- Dunk the baby.
430
00:17:08,286 --> 00:17:11,054
Dunk it.
Then dunk me.
431
00:17:24,067 --> 00:17:25,667
Whoo.
432
00:17:28,939 --> 00:17:29,939
You got it?
433
00:17:29,973 --> 00:17:30,973
Oh, it's perfect.
434
00:17:31,007 --> 00:17:32,642
Yeah.
435
00:17:32,676 --> 00:17:34,609
Okay, hi, sweetheart.
Hi, hi, hi.
436
00:17:34,644 --> 00:17:35,777
Are you happy?
437
00:17:35,812 --> 00:17:37,145
Did you prove your point?
438
00:17:37,179 --> 00:17:39,280
Yeah. Yes.
As a matter of fact, I did.
439
00:17:39,315 --> 00:17:40,916
Ernie's totally fine.
440
00:17:40,950 --> 00:17:42,617
Just like he always is
with me.
441
00:17:42,652 --> 00:17:45,253
Look, Sheila, raising a kid
is hard enough
442
00:17:45,287 --> 00:17:47,021
and then being divorced
on top of that--
443
00:17:47,056 --> 00:17:50,058
we have to start working
together for Ernie's sake.
444
00:17:52,894 --> 00:17:55,696
You're right.
Okay.
445
00:17:55,730 --> 00:17:57,631
Hi.
Hi.
446
00:17:57,666 --> 00:17:58,799
You can pick him up tomorrow.
447
00:17:58,834 --> 00:18:02,035
- Go enjoy your date.
- Okay.
448
00:18:02,070 --> 00:18:03,804
Okay, good-bye,
my little prince.
449
00:18:03,839 --> 00:18:05,573
I love you, I love you,
I love you, I love you,
450
00:18:05,607 --> 00:18:06,940
I will see you tomorrow,
okay?
451
00:18:06,974 --> 00:18:08,875
And I will think only of you
until then.
452
00:18:08,909 --> 00:18:10,176
What about me?
453
00:18:10,210 --> 00:18:14,948
Yeah, what about you?
454
00:18:14,982 --> 00:18:17,550
I cannot believe
you dunked my son.
455
00:18:17,585 --> 00:18:20,052
Listen, Sheila,
this is our first date.
456
00:18:20,087 --> 00:18:22,521
You got to chill out
a little bit.
457
00:18:22,555 --> 00:18:26,758
No, you need to chill out,
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
458
00:18:31,097 --> 00:18:34,800
Way to go, man.
You slayed the dragon.
459
00:18:34,834 --> 00:18:38,703
You know, it is fun
playing with your life.
460
00:18:49,147 --> 00:18:52,116
Nick?
461
00:18:57,653 --> 00:18:58,889
What is all this?
462
00:18:58,923 --> 00:19:02,526
This is the deck
of the Titanic.
463
00:19:05,563 --> 00:19:06,530
# #
464
00:19:06,564 --> 00:19:08,131
The year is 1912,
465
00:19:08,165 --> 00:19:11,567
passengers are huddled together
for warmth,
466
00:19:11,601 --> 00:19:13,903
death hangs in the air.
467
00:19:13,937 --> 00:19:15,971
- And what's that?
- Ooh, haven't you heard?
468
00:19:16,006 --> 00:19:17,907
That is an iceberg.
469
00:19:18,941 --> 00:19:21,677
We've hit it.
470
00:19:21,711 --> 00:19:23,812
Now I know that we're
slowly taking on water
471
00:19:23,847 --> 00:19:28,150
and hundreds of poor people
are drowning belowdecks,
472
00:19:28,184 --> 00:19:30,952
but I would be honored
if I could have this dance.
473
00:19:32,486 --> 00:19:35,123
I married
a crazy person.
474
00:19:35,808 --> 00:19:37,225
So do you forgive me?
475
00:19:37,990 --> 00:19:39,161
If I must.
476
00:19:39,195 --> 00:19:44,565
Well, then,
this is for you.
477
00:19:44,599 --> 00:19:47,768
Oh, it's beautiful.
478
00:19:47,802 --> 00:19:50,971
It's the largest diamond
in the world.
479
00:19:51,505 --> 00:19:55,042
And it's filled
with lip gloss.
480
00:19:56,077 --> 00:19:57,444
I love you.
481
00:19:57,678 --> 00:19:58,679
I love you too.
482
00:20:03,984 --> 00:20:06,986
Hey, baby.
483
00:20:07,020 --> 00:20:10,022
Oh, boy,
she's back.
484
00:20:11,057 --> 00:20:13,293
You are a good man.
485
00:20:13,327 --> 00:20:15,760
Oh, baby,
I am a tired man.
486
00:20:19,481 --> 00:20:22,601
Correction:
I'm a wide-awake man
487
00:20:22,635 --> 00:20:25,770
with a slightly inebriated wife.
488
00:20:25,805 --> 00:20:28,740
What are you doing in there?
489
00:20:28,774 --> 00:20:30,842
- Let us in!
- Go away!
490
00:20:30,876 --> 00:20:34,979
This is all we have any more!
491
00:20:35,013 --> 00:20:37,014
Hurry before they
pick the lock.
492
00:20:39,821 --> 00:20:41,089
Hey, Sheila.
493
00:20:41,321 --> 00:20:43,889
Nah, I'm just sitting here
watching Goodfellas.
494
00:20:44,924 --> 00:20:48,627
No, of course not.
Ernie's been in bed for an hour.
495
00:20:49,661 --> 00:20:50,861
Okay, I'm sure
we'll talk tomorrow.
496
00:20:50,895 --> 00:20:54,632
Okay, we used
to love each other. Bye.
497
00:20:54,666 --> 00:20:56,467
I mean, I found it funny.
Okay, bye.
498
00:20:56,501 --> 00:21:00,438
We used to love each other.
499
00:21:00,472 --> 00:21:02,772
Haven't heard from Megan,
so I guess we can assume
500
00:21:02,807 --> 00:21:04,507
I blew that,
but you know what?
501
00:21:04,542 --> 00:21:06,810
Doesn't matter.
It's okay.
502
00:21:06,844 --> 00:21:08,445
As long as I got you,
I'm good.
503
00:21:08,479 --> 00:21:12,114
Sons before buns,
little man.
504
00:21:13,149 --> 00:21:15,117
We're gonna be okay.
505
00:21:15,152 --> 00:21:20,055
Unlike Joe Pesci
in about three, two, one...
506
00:21:21,925 --> 00:21:26,380
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
507
00:21:27,305 --> 00:21:33,784
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