0
00:00:15,281 --> 00:00:17,010
OLDER TED: Kids,
before I met your mother,

1
00:00:17,117 --> 00:00:20,518
when I was still out there searching,
I learned something valuable.

2
00:00:20,620 --> 00:00:22,281
That love is not a science.

3
00:00:22,389 --> 00:00:24,949
- Wow, that was a great story, Dad.
- SON: We're gonna go watch TV.

4
00:00:25,058 --> 00:00:27,424
OLDER TED: You see, sometimes in life

5
00:00:27,527 --> 00:00:30,155
you just have to accept
that certain things can't be explained,

6
00:00:30,263 --> 00:00:32,128
and that's kind of scary.

7
00:00:33,967 --> 00:00:36,231
- Oh, my God.
- I know, I'm still shaking.

8
00:00:36,336 --> 00:00:38,770
What the... Joke's on you. I have a cold.

9
00:00:39,172 --> 00:00:40,503
Are you guys okay?

10
00:00:40,607 --> 00:00:42,268
Another round,
and back it up for me and Lily!

11
00:00:42,375 --> 00:00:43,501
What happened?

12
00:00:43,610 --> 00:00:47,944
- We saw something, up in the apartment.
- Something bad.

13
00:00:49,783 --> 00:00:51,148
(BOTH MOANING)

14
00:00:53,186 --> 00:00:56,246
I don't know what it is,
but margaritas make me sexy.

15
00:00:56,356 --> 00:00:59,223
Oh, <i>mucho</i> sexy. <i>Te quiero,</i> Marshall.

16
00:01:03,163 --> 00:01:04,653
Oh, my God!

17
00:01:05,432 --> 00:01:06,660
(LILY SCREAMING)

18
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:10,127
What was it?

19
00:01:10,236 --> 00:01:13,433
Only the craziest, meanest-Iooking mouse
you've ever seen.

20
00:01:13,540 --> 00:01:18,341
Mouse? Sweetie, that wasn't a mouse.
That was a huge cockroach.

21
00:01:18,445 --> 00:01:20,913
Baby, it was a mouse. It had whiskers.

22
00:01:21,014 --> 00:01:24,040
What, those things coming out
of his head? Those were antennae.

23
00:01:24,150 --> 00:01:27,779
- Marshall ran away from a cockroach.
- It was a mouse.

24
00:01:27,887 --> 00:01:30,151
Oh, yeah, sorry, my bad. You're a man.

25
00:01:30,790 --> 00:01:34,385
My story's on. Ted, pay attention.
Carl, turn it up.

26
00:01:34,494 --> 00:01:35,654
<i>I'm here with Ellen Pierce,</i>

27
00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:38,060
<i>New York's premiere matchmaker,</i>

28
00:01:38,164 --> 00:01:42,567
<i>Ellen, your company "Love Solutions"</i>
<i>boasts a 100% success rate,</i>

29
00:01:42,669 --> 00:01:44,762
<i>- What's your secret?</i>
<i>- Science,</i>

30
00:01:45,305 --> 00:01:49,503
Everything in life can be broken down
to ones and zeros, even love.

31
00:01:49,609 --> 00:01:53,272
All I have to do is input
the variables, run the algorithm,

32
00:01:53,379 --> 00:01:56,871
and presto manifesto,
you have a soul mate and it works!

33
00:01:57,383 --> 00:02:00,511
Just ask all of my happy couples.

34
00:02:00,820 --> 00:02:02,913
(WHISPERING) And these are just
the attractive ones.

35
00:02:03,022 --> 00:02:04,887
I have more photos in the bathroom.

36
00:02:05,758 --> 00:02:08,056
Love Solutions' Ellen Pierce.

37
00:02:08,161 --> 00:02:10,652
A beacon of hope
for New York City's lovelorn.

38
00:02:10,763 --> 00:02:11,923
<i>Robin Scherbatsky,,,</i>

39
00:02:12,031 --> 00:02:13,498
Was that chick at the end really a client?

40
00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:14,760
- Yes.
- We're signing up.

41
00:02:14,868 --> 00:02:17,666
- What?
- Ted, these chicks are desperate and hot.

42
00:02:17,770 --> 00:02:21,228
That's a perfect cocktail.
Shake well, then sleep with.

43
00:02:22,208 --> 00:02:25,336
I'm not going to a matchmaker.
That's like giving up.

44
00:02:25,445 --> 00:02:27,709
It's the man version of getting a cat.

45
00:02:27,847 --> 00:02:31,715
No, it wasn't a cockroach. It had fur.
And only mammals have fur.

46
00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:32,910
It was a cockroach.

47
00:02:33,019 --> 00:02:35,283
Come on, Lily.
The only way that that was a cockroach

48
00:02:35,388 --> 00:02:38,516
is if it was wearing the skin
of a mouse it just killed.

49
00:02:39,626 --> 00:02:41,491
Oh, my God!

50
00:02:42,595 --> 00:02:44,028
Come on!

51
00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:48,001
(MOUSE SQUEAKING)

52
00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:48,467
(MOUSE SQUEAKING)

53
00:02:54,974 --> 00:02:57,704
Ted! Hurry!
You got to help me, my boat is sinking.

54
00:02:57,810 --> 00:02:59,038
- What?
- My boat is sinking!

55
00:02:59,145 --> 00:03:00,612
- You have a boat?
- Yes, I bought a boat last year

56
00:03:00,713 --> 00:03:03,204
at a police auction. I just got a call
from a guy down at the marina

57
00:03:03,316 --> 00:03:04,783
that it's leaning starboard
at a 45-degree angle.

58
00:03:04,884 --> 00:03:07,546
If I don't get down there right now
it's gonna capsize! Now come on!

59
00:03:10,223 --> 00:03:12,521
Your boat is sinking. That was good.

60
00:03:12,926 --> 00:03:15,918
Come on.
Ted, this is an incredible opportunity.

61
00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:19,988
We'll meet our soul mates, nail them,
and never call them again.

62
00:03:21,668 --> 00:03:23,568
All finished, gentlemen?

63
00:03:23,670 --> 00:03:26,764
Congratulations, you have just taken
your very first step.

64
00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:29,842
Gosh, thanks, Ellen.
I sure hope this works.

65
00:03:30,076 --> 00:03:34,775
I'm so done with the single life.
All the games, the meaningless sex.

66
00:03:35,081 --> 00:03:36,810
You deserve more.

67
00:03:37,350 --> 00:03:39,716
That is so true, Ellen.

68
00:03:40,286 --> 00:03:44,484
I really think I'm ready to stop
being a me, and start being a we.

69
00:03:45,458 --> 00:03:48,222
Hey, is there any way I can
let it be known that I love cuddling?

70
00:03:48,328 --> 00:03:51,889
Oh, of course you... That is so...

71
00:03:54,867 --> 00:03:57,495
It's kind of hard to talk about
with Ted here,

72
00:03:57,604 --> 00:04:01,404
but I just want someone who's not afraid
to hold me at night,

73
00:04:02,642 --> 00:04:04,109
when the tears come.

74
00:04:05,712 --> 00:04:07,703
Ellen, can you help me find her?

75
00:04:08,281 --> 00:04:10,146
- Get out.
- What?

76
00:04:11,451 --> 00:04:13,783
I get 15 guys like you every week.

77
00:04:13,886 --> 00:04:16,047
Jerks who just wanna meet
vulnerable women,

78
00:04:16,155 --> 00:04:18,146
nail them, and never call them again.

79
00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:20,317
Oh, my God, people do that?

80
00:04:20,426 --> 00:04:22,621
Do you wanna do this the easy way,
or the hard way?

81
00:04:22,729 --> 00:04:26,028
What's the hard way?
Security roughs me up and tosses me out?

82
00:04:26,132 --> 00:04:27,895
No, that's the easy way.

83
00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:31,095
The hard way is that I stomp the crap
out of you myself.

84
00:04:31,404 --> 00:04:33,838
- Okay, Ted, let's go.
- Not you. You stay.

85
00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:37,409
You're cute.

86
00:04:37,510 --> 00:04:39,569
You're an architect. Good career.

87
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:42,809
And you didn't use an obvious alias
on your application

88
00:04:42,915 --> 00:04:45,179
like your friend "Jack Package."

89
00:04:46,085 --> 00:04:48,645
- It's pronounced Puh-kaj.
- Get out of here!

90
00:04:50,256 --> 00:04:51,883
You, I can work with.

91
00:04:51,991 --> 00:04:56,792
You give me three days,
and I will find the woman you will marry.

92
00:04:58,197 --> 00:05:01,598
No, thanks.
I don't need an algorithm to meet women.

93
00:05:01,701 --> 00:05:04,966
It's New York City.
You know, plenty of fish in the sea.

94
00:05:05,071 --> 00:05:07,562
Plenty of fish in the sea.

95
00:05:07,674 --> 00:05:09,835
Yes, there's nine million people
in New York,

96
00:05:09,942 --> 00:05:12,001
4.5 million women.

97
00:05:12,111 --> 00:05:14,579
Of course, you wanna meet somebody
roughly your own age,

98
00:05:14,681 --> 00:05:16,706
let's say, plus-minus five years.

99
00:05:16,816 --> 00:05:19,307
So if we take into account
the most recent census data,

100
00:05:19,419 --> 00:05:22,354
that leaves us with 482,000.

101
00:05:22,455 --> 00:05:25,913
But wait, 48% of those
are already in relationships,

102
00:05:26,025 --> 00:05:28,892
and then you have to eliminate half
for intelligence, sense of humor

103
00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:30,053
and compatibility.

104
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:32,961
And then you have to take out
the ex-girlfriends, and the relatives

105
00:05:33,066 --> 00:05:35,125
and, oh, we can't forget those lesbians.

106
00:05:35,234 --> 00:05:39,933
And then that leaves us
with eight women.

107
00:05:41,641 --> 00:05:45,077
That can't be right. Eight? Really, eight?

108
00:05:46,112 --> 00:05:49,548
There are eight fish
in that big, blue ocean, Ted.

109
00:05:49,749 --> 00:05:52,809
And if you feel confident
that you could reel one into your boat

110
00:05:52,919 --> 00:05:54,716
without me, there's the door.

111
00:05:55,855 --> 00:05:57,413
Do you take credit cards?

112
00:06:00,226 --> 00:06:03,559
Okay, it's back.
And this time we got a good look.

113
00:06:03,696 --> 00:06:06,324
Hey. Seriously,
you have to stop doing that!

114
00:06:06,566 --> 00:06:09,364
It's bigger now. It's been feeding.

115
00:06:11,471 --> 00:06:13,666
We were just upstairs watching TV.

116
00:06:13,773 --> 00:06:15,240
Oh, gosh.

117
00:06:16,442 --> 00:06:17,409
(GASPS)

118
00:06:22,882 --> 00:06:25,350
Okay. Let's do this.

119
00:06:33,526 --> 00:06:34,493
(SCREAMING)

120
00:06:34,660 --> 00:06:35,627
(SHUSHING)

121
00:06:36,262 --> 00:06:38,355
It's okay. It's over.

122
00:06:39,832 --> 00:06:40,799
(EX CLAIMS)

123
00:06:49,575 --> 00:06:51,668
- So, did you get a good look at it?
- Yeah.

124
00:06:51,778 --> 00:06:56,010
It has six legs, a hard exoskeleton,
like a roach.

125
00:06:56,115 --> 00:06:58,777
But it had mouse-like characteristics.

126
00:06:58,885 --> 00:07:01,479
Gray-brown tufts of fur, a tail.

127
00:07:01,587 --> 00:07:04,385
So which is it, a cockroach or a mouse?

128
00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:08,121
It's a cockamouse.

129
00:07:09,896 --> 00:07:11,090
What?

130
00:07:11,197 --> 00:07:14,098
It's some sort of mutant combination
of the two.

131
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:18,159
It's as if a cockroach and a mouse,
you know...

132
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:21,407
Did the horizontal, 10-legged,
inter-species cha-cha?

133
00:07:22,208 --> 00:07:24,699
That's impossible.
That simply can't happen.

134
00:07:25,111 --> 00:07:26,476
- But it can.
- And it has.

135
00:07:26,579 --> 00:07:27,944
And it's pissed.

136
00:07:30,483 --> 00:07:32,542
Dude, is everything okay?
You left the front door open.

137
00:07:32,652 --> 00:07:34,017
There was no time.

138
00:07:35,922 --> 00:07:39,050
So, Love Solutions?
Did you meet the love of your life?

139
00:07:39,158 --> 00:07:42,559
She said it'd take three days.
It's been five days.

140
00:07:42,662 --> 00:07:43,651
Should I be worried?

141
00:07:43,763 --> 00:07:46,231
Just play it cool. Don't Ted out about it.

142
00:07:47,233 --> 00:07:49,360
Did you just use my name as a verb?

143
00:07:50,036 --> 00:07:52,300
Yeah, we do that behind your back.

144
00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:54,202
Ted out. To overthink.

145
00:07:54,340 --> 00:07:55,932
Also see, Ted up.

146
00:07:56,342 --> 00:07:59,209
Ted up, to overthink something
with disastrous results.

147
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:01,780
Sample sentence,
Billy Teded up when he tried to...

148
00:08:01,881 --> 00:08:03,644
Okay. I get it.

149
00:08:03,950 --> 00:08:06,783
Don't worry. I'm not gonna
Ted anything up, or out.

150
00:08:07,687 --> 00:08:09,746
I should give it a few more days.

151
00:08:11,057 --> 00:08:14,891
- Hi, Ellen. Remember me? I'm Ted.
- Ted. Hi.

152
00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:16,427
I meant to call you.

153
00:08:16,529 --> 00:08:18,793
The computer is still crunching
the numbers.

154
00:08:18,898 --> 00:08:20,866
Busy as a bee, that little computer.

155
00:08:20,967 --> 00:08:22,525
You said it was gonna be three days.

156
00:08:22,635 --> 00:08:24,330
Did I? Three days.

157
00:08:24,437 --> 00:08:25,426
- Really?
- Yeah.

158
00:08:25,538 --> 00:08:28,530
When someone says you're gonna meet
the perfect woman in three days,

159
00:08:28,641 --> 00:08:31,132
you kind of put that in your datebook. So.

160
00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:34,675
How do I say this?
This is gonna be really hard.

161
00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:39,375
Ted, there are absolutely no women
out there for you.

162
00:08:40,786 --> 00:08:43,186
Actually, I got through that okay.

163
00:08:47,827 --> 00:08:50,387
There are no women out there for me?
I thought you said there were eight.

164
00:08:50,496 --> 00:08:52,896
I know. There's supposed to be.
I don't know where they are.

165
00:08:52,999 --> 00:08:55,524
But I'm an architect.
And you said I'm cute.

166
00:08:55,635 --> 00:08:57,899
- I'm a cute architect.
- How do you think I feel?

167
00:08:58,004 --> 00:09:01,667
I have a 100% success rate.
That's my hook!

168
00:09:01,774 --> 00:09:04,174
I could maybe find somebody for you
if you were gay.

169
00:09:04,277 --> 00:09:05,801
- Well, I'm not.
- A little bi maybe?

170
00:09:05,912 --> 00:09:07,140
No!

171
00:09:08,247 --> 00:09:11,273
- You're messing with me, right?
- Come see for yourself.

172
00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:14,243
I cannot set you up

173
00:09:14,353 --> 00:09:18,187
unless you have a compatibility rating
of 7.0 or higher. And look.

174
00:09:18,491 --> 00:09:21,324
5.4, 4.8, 5.6...

175
00:09:21,427 --> 00:09:23,122
There's a 9.6 right there.

176
00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:24,924
Don't touch the computer.

177
00:09:26,499 --> 00:09:29,434
Yes. Sarah O'Brien.
I fixed her up six months ago.

178
00:09:29,535 --> 00:09:31,935
She would've been
absolutely perfect for you.

179
00:09:32,038 --> 00:09:35,098
Well, what about the guy you set her
up with? Is he a 9.6 compatibility rating?

180
00:09:35,207 --> 00:09:37,072
- 8.5.
- So he sucks!

181
00:09:37,176 --> 00:09:40,577
No, 8.5 is an extremely good
match-up quotient.

182
00:09:41,213 --> 00:09:45,240
Sure it's good. It's solid. But a 9.6?

183
00:09:45,351 --> 00:09:49,117
9.6 is off the charts.
But Sarah is matched up.

184
00:09:49,822 --> 00:09:53,087
Ted, look. I have lunch. Please.

185
00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:56,386
I promise we will find you somebody.
Don't lose hope.

186
00:09:56,896 --> 00:09:59,421
There are new women turning 18
every day.

187
00:10:27,927 --> 00:10:31,090
It's a whole new species. The cockamouse.

188
00:10:31,197 --> 00:10:34,633
And it's the size of a potato.

189
00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:40,200
So, what now, it's a cockapotatomouse?

190
00:10:40,339 --> 00:10:43,137
Don't make it sound ridiculous.
It's a cockamouse!

191
00:10:44,310 --> 00:10:47,279
My God, this is incredible!
We're like the same person.

192
00:10:47,380 --> 00:10:50,975
Sarah O'Brien loves brunch.
She wants to have two children.

193
00:10:51,083 --> 00:10:54,416
Her guilty-pleasure song
is <i>Summer Breeze</i> by Seals and Croft.

194
00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:57,546
Wow, Ted.
Sounds like you're her perfect woman.

195
00:10:58,524 --> 00:11:01,687
And like the majestic seahorse,
it's hermaphroditic.

196
00:11:02,795 --> 00:11:06,060
Obviously, the whole thing
is shrouded in mystery.

197
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:08,831
For as much as we know
about the cockamouse,

198
00:11:08,934 --> 00:11:11,164
there is still so much we don't know.

199
00:11:11,871 --> 00:11:15,034
Well, we know that there is no such thing
as the cockamouse.

200
00:11:15,141 --> 00:11:18,133
What we don't know
is what you guys have been smoking.

201
00:11:19,111 --> 00:11:21,272
So you really don't believe
in the cockamouse?

202
00:11:21,380 --> 00:11:24,178
Well, I believe that you saw
something perfectly normal,

203
00:11:24,283 --> 00:11:28,413
but you've exaggerated it in your mind,
you know, like the Loch Ness monster.

204
00:11:31,323 --> 00:11:35,817
If by "like the Loch Ness monster"
you mean "totally exists and is awesome,"

205
00:11:35,928 --> 00:11:38,419
then, yeah, it's like
the Loch Ness monster.

206
00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:42,560
Its diet is not unlike our own.
Grains, cereals,

207
00:11:42,668 --> 00:11:45,466
- and it's awfully fond of cheese.
- Okay. This is getting weird.

208
00:11:45,571 --> 00:11:47,038
The similarities go on and on.

209
00:11:47,139 --> 00:11:50,370
She hates phonies.
I totally hate phonies, too.

210
00:11:50,910 --> 00:11:53,037
She's a dermatologist. I have skin.

211
00:11:53,779 --> 00:11:56,646
You want to be her boyfriend.
She already has a boyfriend.

212
00:11:56,749 --> 00:11:59,377
- It's uncanny.
- All right.

213
00:11:59,685 --> 00:12:01,152
But it wouldn't hurt
to check her out, right?

214
00:12:01,253 --> 00:12:05,087
See what my 9.6 looks like in person,
as, you know, a frame of reference.

215
00:12:05,191 --> 00:12:09,287
And if she thinks she can do
11.45% better, who am I to deny her that?

216
00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:11,962
<i>OLDER TED; That's right, I did the math,</i>

217
00:12:15,901 --> 00:12:18,392
- Hi.
- Hi, I'm Dr. O'Brien.

218
00:12:18,504 --> 00:12:22,201
I'm architect Mosby. Sorry.
I just wanted to say my job, too.

219
00:12:22,641 --> 00:12:24,472
- Hi, I'm Ted.
- Hi.

220
00:12:24,610 --> 00:12:25,975
So, what are we doing today?

221
00:12:26,078 --> 00:12:28,706
Right, I have a kind of mole on my back.

222
00:12:28,814 --> 00:12:30,941
It's probably nothing.
But I'm a cautious guy.

223
00:12:31,050 --> 00:12:32,813
I'm exactly the same.

224
00:12:36,455 --> 00:12:38,889
(SINGING <i>SUMMER BREEZE)</i>

225
00:12:47,066 --> 00:12:48,124
(MIMICKING GUITAR RIFF)

226
00:12:48,234 --> 00:12:52,432
Sorry about that. <i>Summer Breeze</i>
is my guilty-pleasure song.

227
00:12:52,738 --> 00:12:55,935
Oh, yeah, it's been stuck in my head
ever since I heard it this weekend

228
00:12:56,041 --> 00:12:59,408
- at brunch.
- I love brunch.

229
00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:01,139
It's the best.

230
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:04,545
As long as I don't have to spend it
with a bunch of phonies.

231
00:13:04,917 --> 00:13:07,408
I like the way you think, architect Mosby.

232
00:13:09,188 --> 00:13:12,021
Hey, this may sound weird.
But it'll definitely sound more weird

233
00:13:12,124 --> 00:13:14,388
once my shirt's off,
so I'm gonna ask you now.

234
00:13:14,493 --> 00:13:17,189
Do you wanna have dinner with me
Saturday night?

235
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:21,631
That's very sweet, but I'm actually
getting married on Saturday.

236
00:13:23,869 --> 00:13:25,166
Friday night?

237
00:13:29,675 --> 00:13:32,473
Wow. You're getting married.
Congratulations.

238
00:13:32,578 --> 00:13:35,046
- Thank you.
- I'm really sorry I asked you out.

239
00:13:35,147 --> 00:13:38,014
It just felt like there could
be this weird connection between us.

240
00:13:38,117 --> 00:13:40,881
- How crazy am I coming off here?
- Only a little.

241
00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:45,423
Well, by some million-to-one long shot,
and I'm not rooting for this,

242
00:13:46,125 --> 00:13:50,084
you wind up not getting married
this weekend, give me a call.

243
00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:54,455
Okay. But it's not likely.
I look damn good in my dress.

244
00:13:55,201 --> 00:13:56,532
I'm sure you do.

245
00:14:00,706 --> 00:14:03,732
Wow. That's a pretty sophisticated trap.

246
00:14:04,143 --> 00:14:06,111
You think the Road Runner's
gonna fall for it?

247
00:14:06,212 --> 00:14:10,478
Okay, we get it. You're skeptical.
But Marshall and I, we're believers.

248
00:14:10,583 --> 00:14:11,550
We believe.

249
00:14:11,650 --> 00:14:14,847
Yeah, look around.
The universe is mysterious and awesome.

250
00:14:14,954 --> 00:14:18,185
You got the Bermuda Triangle,
ghosts, Bigfoot.

251
00:14:18,290 --> 00:14:21,555
Bad maps, creaky houses,
hillbilly in a gorilla suit.

252
00:14:21,660 --> 00:14:22,627
Aliens?

253
00:14:23,329 --> 00:14:25,923
Come on! You gotta give me aliens!

254
00:14:26,031 --> 00:14:29,831
Stonehenge, Area 51,
there's alien crap all over the place.

255
00:14:29,969 --> 00:14:32,164
You can't be serious?

256
00:14:32,271 --> 00:14:34,569
My friend, you just poked the bear.

257
00:14:36,475 --> 00:14:38,739
So, my 9.6,

258
00:14:38,844 --> 00:14:42,371
beautiful, charming, intelligent, engaged.

259
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:46,579
- Oh, Ted, I'm so sorry.
- Yeah, it was a long shot.

260
00:14:46,685 --> 00:14:49,745
I told her to call me anyway if she
changes her mind. But I don't know.

261
00:14:49,855 --> 00:14:52,756
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's not skip over this.

262
00:14:53,058 --> 00:14:56,687
Raise your hand if earlier today
you hit on an engaged woman?

263
00:14:56,829 --> 00:14:57,796
(SIGHS)

264
00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:02,727
Come on, Lily, don't hate the player,
hate the game.

265
00:15:02,835 --> 00:15:07,272
"On the night of July 2, 1947,

266
00:15:07,406 --> 00:15:10,034
"conditions were clear over
Roswell, New Mexico."

267
00:15:10,142 --> 00:15:11,200
Oh, jeez.

268
00:15:11,310 --> 00:15:13,505
Hey, Ted, there's a message
on the machine for you.

269
00:15:13,612 --> 00:15:15,045
- Dr. O'Brien.
- What?

270
00:15:15,781 --> 00:15:18,682
"When suddenly, an array of..."

271
00:15:19,285 --> 00:15:22,721
<i>SARAH; Ted, hi,</i>
<i>This is Dr, O'Brien, About today,</i>

272
00:15:22,821 --> 00:15:26,951
<i>Listen, I really need to talk to you, Call me,</i>
<i>I'll be at the office all day,</i>

273
00:15:27,493 --> 00:15:29,427
The doctor will see you now.

274
00:15:34,867 --> 00:15:37,233
What should I do?
I should totally go down there, right?

275
00:15:37,336 --> 00:15:40,999
Don't interfere. Some guy is expecting
to marry this woman on Saturday.

276
00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:43,336
Yeah, an 8.5 guy.

277
00:15:43,442 --> 00:15:46,343
Look, if I was marrying the wrong
person and the right person was out there,

278
00:15:46,445 --> 00:15:49,505
and knew it, I'd want that person
to come down to my dermatology office

279
00:15:49,615 --> 00:15:52,482
and tell me so.
In that scenario, I'm not interfering,

280
00:15:52,584 --> 00:15:55,417
- I'm a happy ending.
- (CHUCKLES) Happy ending?

281
00:15:56,455 --> 00:15:58,685
Look, I have to go down there.
I don't know what's gonna happen

282
00:15:58,791 --> 00:16:00,622
when I get there, but I gotta give it a shot.

283
00:16:00,726 --> 00:16:04,594
- All right, see you later. Happy hunting.
- Wait, where are you guys going?

284
00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:06,631
Don't you wanna stay
and see the cockamouse?

285
00:16:06,732 --> 00:16:09,257
Yeah, we're gonna go
make some crop circles.

286
00:16:12,504 --> 00:16:13,493
(CLANGING)

287
00:16:13,605 --> 00:16:16,802
- Oh, my God!
- Holy crap buckets, we got it.

288
00:16:16,909 --> 00:16:20,242
- What do we do with it?
- Calm down, I have a plan.

289
00:16:20,346 --> 00:16:21,779
I told my friend Sudeep about it.

290
00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:24,440
He wants to show it
to the Columbia Biology department.

291
00:16:24,550 --> 00:16:27,542
- But it has to be alive.
- Wait, no, no!

292
00:16:27,653 --> 00:16:30,486
They'll do lab experiments on it.
That's so mean.

293
00:16:31,290 --> 00:16:33,690
Shouldn't we just beat it to death
with a bat?

294
00:16:38,897 --> 00:16:40,296
Hello, again.

295
00:16:41,567 --> 00:16:46,004
I'm glad you came down.
I would prefer to say this to you in person.

296
00:16:46,605 --> 00:16:49,301
Go ahead, Sarah.
You can tell me anything.

297
00:16:49,708 --> 00:16:52,108
You have a basal cell carcinoma.

298
00:16:53,512 --> 00:16:54,740
Anything else?

299
00:16:56,582 --> 00:16:59,779
Your mole. The biopsy came back.

300
00:16:59,885 --> 00:17:03,343
It's not life-threatening,
but we should excise the rest of it.

301
00:17:03,589 --> 00:17:05,784
Wait, then you're still getting married?

302
00:17:05,891 --> 00:17:09,486
- Of course I'm still getting married.
- But we're a 9.6.

303
00:17:09,628 --> 00:17:12,392
- Excuse me?
- Okay, I...

304
00:17:12,765 --> 00:17:15,996
I went to Love Solutions
and I saw on Ellen Pierce's computer

305
00:17:16,101 --> 00:17:19,764
that you and I are a 9.6.
Your fiancé's only an 8.5.

306
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:23,205
- You looked at my file?
- I had to. You're my only match.

307
00:17:23,742 --> 00:17:26,233
Aren't you even a little curious?
The woman who set you up

308
00:17:26,345 --> 00:17:27,835
with your fiancé
thinks we're a better match.

309
00:17:27,946 --> 00:17:30,437
I am getting married on Saturday.

310
00:17:33,218 --> 00:17:34,981
(SINGING <i>SUMMER BREEZE)</i>

311
00:17:35,354 --> 00:17:36,321
Ted.

312
00:17:36,422 --> 00:17:39,448
Look, don't you think you're being
a little impulsive marrying a guy

313
00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:42,254
- you just met a few months ago?
- Don't you think it's a little impulsive

314
00:17:42,361 --> 00:17:45,353
for you to proposition an engaged woman
you don't even know?

315
00:17:45,464 --> 00:17:49,059
See, we're both impulsive.
We're perfect for each other!

316
00:17:49,168 --> 00:17:51,193
- Ted, just calm down.
- Calm down?

317
00:17:51,303 --> 00:17:52,793
You're my only match!

318
00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:55,635
Come on, there was a computer,
and there were eight fish

319
00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:58,574
- in a sea full of lesbians.
- Okay, Ted, Ted.

320
00:18:00,179 --> 00:18:04,707
Do you honestly believe deep down
that there is no one else out there for you

321
00:18:04,817 --> 00:18:07,012
just because some computer says so?

322
00:18:09,154 --> 00:18:13,750
I didn't use to, but there was math,
I got confused.

323
00:18:14,259 --> 00:18:18,423
Love isn't a science.
You can't calculate a feeling.

324
00:18:18,964 --> 00:18:23,333
When you fall in love with someone,
an 8.5 equals a perfect 10.

325
00:18:25,204 --> 00:18:26,466
You're right.

326
00:18:27,272 --> 00:18:30,935
If this thing is what you say it is,
it could be huge for my career.

327
00:18:31,743 --> 00:18:35,270
Brace yourself, dude.
This is gonna blow your mind-hole.

328
00:18:39,284 --> 00:18:42,048
You bastard.
I actually got excited about this.

329
00:18:42,154 --> 00:18:44,122
- What?
- It's empty.

330
00:18:46,725 --> 00:18:49,558
Wait, but if it's not here, that means...

331
00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:51,687
Lily!

332
00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:54,557
- Robin!
- What?

333
00:18:54,733 --> 00:18:55,700
(EX CLAIMING)

334
00:18:57,035 --> 00:18:58,002
(MOUSE SQUEAKING)

335
00:18:58,237 --> 00:19:03,140
- Oh, my God! It's real!
- No, is it? Do something!

336
00:19:07,746 --> 00:19:10,738
No! What the hell was that?
You trying to get it drunk?

337
00:19:10,849 --> 00:19:13,181
It was the only thing I could think of!

338
00:19:13,318 --> 00:19:14,876
Lily! Thank God!

339
00:19:16,188 --> 00:19:18,179
(ALL EX CLAIMING IN PANIC)

340
00:19:18,290 --> 00:19:19,917
Lily, I love you!

341
00:19:20,592 --> 00:19:22,753
Robin, open the window!

342
00:19:22,928 --> 00:19:24,361
(SCREAMING)

343
00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:29,294
Please, for the love of God,
open the window!

344
00:19:30,536 --> 00:19:31,525
(WINGS FLAPPING)

345
00:19:31,637 --> 00:19:33,229
It can fly.

346
00:19:34,406 --> 00:19:35,896
ALL: Wow.

347
00:19:37,242 --> 00:19:41,508
Be free, mutant beast.
I'll miss this private war of ours.

348
00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:43,610
I grew to admire your tenacious...

349
00:19:43,715 --> 00:19:45,740
Holy mother of God! It's headed this way!

350
00:19:45,851 --> 00:19:47,443
Close the window!

351
00:19:55,494 --> 00:19:56,620
Hi, Ellen.

352
00:19:58,997 --> 00:20:00,862
I think I want my money back.

353
00:20:02,167 --> 00:20:06,399
I'm a failure. I'm all washed up.
I tried everything, Ted.

354
00:20:06,805 --> 00:20:10,206
I widened the search parameters,
I tweaked the program.

355
00:20:10,742 --> 00:20:14,701
Last night, I stood out on the street
for five hours

356
00:20:14,813 --> 00:20:17,680
showing your photo
to random pedestrians. No takers.

357
00:20:18,584 --> 00:20:22,281
Although this transvestite hooker said
he/she would do you for half price

358
00:20:22,387 --> 00:20:23,979
because you kind of look like John Cusack

359
00:20:24,089 --> 00:20:27,183
and his/her favorite movie was
<i>Say Anything,,,</i>

360
00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:31,527
Come on, Ellen. I mean, a pint of
ice cream. Isn't that a bit cliché?

361
00:20:31,630 --> 00:20:33,120
It's for the bourbon.

362
00:20:34,566 --> 00:20:37,034
This isn't hopeless.
You're gonna find someone for me.

363
00:20:37,135 --> 00:20:40,696
No, I won't. You're gonna die alone.

364
00:20:40,806 --> 00:20:45,709
I'm not gonna die alone. Look at me.
I'm bright. I'm attractive.

365
00:20:45,844 --> 00:20:47,675
You just gotta get back out there
and keep looking.

366
00:20:47,779 --> 00:20:49,679
No. You're never gonna find anybody.

367
00:20:49,781 --> 00:20:53,217
And every year, you're just getting
older and it's getting harder and harder.

368
00:20:53,318 --> 00:20:56,253
You're being ridiculous. I'm gonna be
up on that wall one of these days.

369
00:20:56,355 --> 00:20:58,755
- No, you won't!
- Yes, I will!

370
00:20:58,857 --> 00:21:02,384
- How do you know?
- I don't know, but I believe.

371
00:21:03,028 --> 00:21:06,225
Hell, if a cockroach and a mouse
can find love in this crazy city,

372
00:21:06,331 --> 00:21:07,923
then damn it, so can I!

373
00:21:08,166 --> 00:21:09,497
You're losing me.

374
00:21:10,469 --> 00:21:13,063
The point is,
something good's gonna happen to me.

375
00:21:13,171 --> 00:21:17,073
I mean, maybe your computer will help,
maybe it won't, but it'll happen.

376
00:21:18,944 --> 00:21:22,607
- So I should keep looking?
- Of course you should.

377
00:21:23,148 --> 00:21:26,549
And now, you're gonna do it for free.

378
00:21:26,648 --> 00:21:26,949
End