0 00:00:15,482 --> 00:00:19,009 OLDER TED: So, kids, there are many buildings in New York City. 1 00:00:19,119 --> 00:00:22,520 Thousands of apartments, Millions of stories, 2 00:00:23,289 --> 00:00:26,850 And even though it's been decades, and someone else lives there now, 3 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:31,454 there's one apartment in particular, that will always be our apartment, 4 00:00:32,399 --> 00:00:34,924 I have so many great memories of that place, 5 00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:37,230 Marshall playing video games, 6 00:00:37,570 --> 00:00:39,970 Lily painting on the fire escape, 7 00:00:40,807 --> 00:00:43,901 - MAN: Hey! - Sorry, Mr. Matson! 8 00:00:45,111 --> 00:00:48,205 And me making the coffee, I had this coffee pot, 9 00:00:48,314 --> 00:00:52,808 It was probably 50 years old at that time, and it made truly terrible coffee, 10 00:00:52,919 --> 00:00:54,648 We called it Shocky, 11 00:00:55,021 --> 00:00:57,046 - Plugging in. - Saving game. 12 00:00:59,526 --> 00:01:00,618 (GASPING) 13 00:01:01,861 --> 00:01:04,056 I loved every last detail of that place, 14 00:01:04,164 --> 00:01:07,565 right down to the incredibly tacky swords we hung on the wall, 15 00:01:07,667 --> 00:01:11,797 I never wanted any of it to change, but that's not how life works, 16 00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:16,565 You guys will never believe what just happened to us. 17 00:01:16,676 --> 00:01:18,268 I don't even believe it myself. 18 00:01:18,378 --> 00:01:21,643 We were in Queens and we decided to stop by my apartment. 19 00:01:21,748 --> 00:01:23,215 Wait, her apartment? 20 00:01:23,316 --> 00:01:25,614 I thought Aunt Lily lived with you and Uncle Marshall. 21 00:01:25,718 --> 00:01:29,677 I could see how you would think that, but I have to have my own place. 22 00:01:29,789 --> 00:01:31,279 It's an independence thing. 23 00:01:31,391 --> 00:01:35,020 - When was the last time you were there? - Three months ago. 24 00:01:35,328 --> 00:01:37,819 What? It's like fat pants. 25 00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:42,425 You hope you never have to use them, but you're glad to know they're there. 26 00:01:44,003 --> 00:01:45,800 - What the hell? - What? 27 00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:48,837 This is my apartment. 28 00:01:49,175 --> 00:01:51,370 - Where? - Right here! 29 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:54,970 What the hell? 30 00:01:55,682 --> 00:01:57,479 Lily, this is a Chinese restaurant. 31 00:01:57,584 --> 00:02:00,678 No! No! This was my apartment! 32 00:02:01,221 --> 00:02:04,384 My dresser was right... That's my dresser! 33 00:02:05,325 --> 00:02:07,885 And this is my closet. 34 00:02:08,428 --> 00:02:12,592 And I spilled nail polish there. There's the stain! 35 00:02:12,999 --> 00:02:14,466 Hi, how many? 36 00:02:15,001 --> 00:02:17,697 - Lily! - Yes. You know me? 37 00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:22,673 Yeah, from your homecoming picture. You're much prettier in the person. 38 00:02:23,776 --> 00:02:26,506 Yeah, I know, the bangs were a mistake. 39 00:02:26,613 --> 00:02:27,944 Where is my stuff? 40 00:02:28,047 --> 00:02:31,175 It's all in the back. We could wrap it up for you. 41 00:02:31,284 --> 00:02:32,945 You want it to go? 42 00:02:33,219 --> 00:02:36,916 - This is my apartment. - Not anymore. 43 00:02:38,124 --> 00:02:40,092 No way. You're making this up. 44 00:02:40,193 --> 00:02:42,593 Yeah, the building would've had to give you some kind of notice. 45 00:02:42,695 --> 00:02:44,356 They sent you a notice about this. 46 00:02:44,464 --> 00:02:46,796 - When? - Three month ago. 47 00:02:46,900 --> 00:02:49,528 And here's your mail. Minus magazines. 48 00:02:50,837 --> 00:02:54,637 Well, still, legally they can't just toss you out on the street, you have a lease. 49 00:02:54,741 --> 00:02:57,710 Okay, so I didn't have a written lease as such. 50 00:02:57,810 --> 00:03:00,973 But go ask my landlady, Mrs. Conroy. 51 00:03:01,214 --> 00:03:03,910 She may be 98 years old, but she still... 52 00:03:05,151 --> 00:03:06,550 She's dead, isn't she? 53 00:03:06,653 --> 00:03:08,587 Never even saw the bus. 54 00:03:09,789 --> 00:03:13,225 My apartment is a Chinese restaurant. 55 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:16,456 - What am I gonna do? - Come live with us. 56 00:03:17,230 --> 00:03:18,925 - Really? - Of course. 57 00:03:19,332 --> 00:03:21,163 - You sure about this, Ted? - Yeah. 58 00:03:21,267 --> 00:03:24,828 I mean, you basically live here anyway. It's not like it'll change anything. 59 00:03:24,938 --> 00:03:27,429 No, it's like it'll change everything! 60 00:03:27,540 --> 00:03:29,872 Oh, Ted! You are so screwed. 61 00:03:29,976 --> 00:03:34,140 - What are you talking about? - And why is that girl checking you out? 62 00:03:34,247 --> 00:03:35,976 Because I look good. 63 00:03:36,616 --> 00:03:39,380 BARNEY: Now focus. You and Marshall are roommates. 64 00:03:39,485 --> 00:03:42,545 You have an amazing apartment. Marshall and Lily just got engaged. 65 00:03:42,655 --> 00:03:43,781 Yeah. So? 66 00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:46,984 So, you're not still gonna be his roommate when he gets married, are you? 67 00:03:47,093 --> 00:03:49,220 Someone's going to move out. So, who's it going to be? 68 00:03:49,329 --> 00:03:52,093 Come on, Barney, I'm sure they've talked about who gets the apartment. 69 00:03:52,198 --> 00:03:53,790 You've talked about who gets the apartment, right? 70 00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:55,561 Yeah, we've talked about it. 71 00:03:56,002 --> 00:03:58,835 So, when Lily and I get married, 72 00:03:59,906 --> 00:04:03,603 - who's gonna get the apartment? - That's a tough one. 73 00:04:04,911 --> 00:04:07,675 You know who I think could handle a problem like that? 74 00:04:07,780 --> 00:04:11,409 - Who? - Future Ted and Future Marshall. 75 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:15,850 Totally. Let's let those guys handle it. 76 00:04:16,389 --> 00:04:17,981 Damn it, Past Ted! 77 00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:20,783 You blew it, dude. 78 00:04:20,893 --> 00:04:22,986 Now that Lily's there, it's a whole new dynamic. 79 00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:25,087 - They're edging you out. - That's crazy. 80 00:04:25,198 --> 00:04:28,224 They're not edging me out. Marshall's my best friend. 81 00:04:28,334 --> 00:04:30,359 One of my best friends. 82 00:04:30,870 --> 00:04:32,929 He wouldn't do that to me. 83 00:04:33,172 --> 00:04:35,663 Just keep your eyes open. That's all I'm saying, Teddy. 84 00:04:35,775 --> 00:04:38,539 Little things are gonna be changing around that apartment. 85 00:04:38,645 --> 00:04:40,442 Come on, Barney, you're just being paranoid. 86 00:04:40,546 --> 00:04:43,344 Okay, seriously, what is this girl's deal? 87 00:04:44,651 --> 00:04:46,676 - Sort of on a date with her. - What? 88 00:04:46,786 --> 00:04:49,846 Yeah, yeah. I found her online. 89 00:04:49,956 --> 00:04:53,687 I'm tired of the whole bar scene, the one-night hookups. 90 00:04:53,793 --> 00:04:55,852 I'm looking for a soul mate. 91 00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:58,362 Someone who I can love and cuddle. 92 00:04:58,865 --> 00:05:01,060 Or, so it says in my profile. 93 00:05:01,567 --> 00:05:04,035 (LAUGHS MANIACALLY) 94 00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:09,871 But this girl, she wants the same stuff, and it's bumming me out. 95 00:05:10,009 --> 00:05:11,840 All right, Ted, call me from the hospital. 96 00:05:11,944 --> 00:05:13,536 - All right. - You're going to the hospital? 97 00:05:13,646 --> 00:05:15,739 No, see, he's gonna go back over there. I'm gonna call him. 98 00:05:15,848 --> 00:05:17,110 He's gonna pretend it's an emergency call 99 00:05:17,216 --> 00:05:18,706 from a family member at the hospital. 100 00:05:18,818 --> 00:05:20,979 Oh, Lord! The fake emergency? 101 00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:24,487 That is the lamest, most pathetic cop-out in the book. 102 00:05:24,590 --> 00:05:25,887 I expect more from you, Barney. 103 00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:28,688 Well, stay tuned. I'm working on some stuff. 104 00:05:28,795 --> 00:05:31,229 But in the meantime, wish me luck. 105 00:05:33,099 --> 00:05:35,499 So, are you gonna talk to Marshall? 106 00:05:35,601 --> 00:05:38,069 He's gonna want the apartment. I'm gonna want the apartment. 107 00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:42,130 - It's gonna lead to an argument. So, no. - That's real healthy. 108 00:05:42,475 --> 00:05:46,673 So, when a serious issue comes up, your response is just to avoid it? 109 00:05:47,447 --> 00:05:49,745 I should really make this call. 110 00:05:50,149 --> 00:05:51,741 Oh, can I do it? 111 00:05:55,254 --> 00:05:56,414 (CELL PHONE RINGING) 112 00:05:56,522 --> 00:05:57,887 Excuse me. 113 00:05:59,158 --> 00:06:01,649 - Hello. - Hi there, sexy. 114 00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:06,059 - Hello, Aunt Kathy. What's up? - Oh, nothing. 115 00:06:06,399 --> 00:06:09,766 Just sitting here, thinking about you, hot stuff. 116 00:06:10,503 --> 00:06:11,936 An accident? 117 00:06:12,438 --> 00:06:14,872 Well, is Uncle Rudy gonna be okay? 118 00:06:15,508 --> 00:06:20,002 Aunt Kathy's got an itch that only you can scratch, big boy. 119 00:06:21,748 --> 00:06:23,079 Oh, God! 120 00:06:23,182 --> 00:06:26,447 Why did he think he could build his own helicopter? 121 00:06:26,753 --> 00:06:27,981 Come on, Daddy. 122 00:06:28,087 --> 00:06:31,022 Break me off a piece of that white chocolate. 123 00:06:32,625 --> 00:06:35,651 Well, if he needs a transplant, he can have mine. 124 00:06:35,762 --> 00:06:37,491 I'll be right there. 125 00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:39,220 You know, I... 126 00:06:42,335 --> 00:06:43,427 (SOBBING) 127 00:06:43,536 --> 00:06:45,231 See you guys later. 128 00:06:45,872 --> 00:06:47,464 (SOBBING) Put it on my tab. 129 00:06:49,876 --> 00:06:53,676 This'll be nice. The three of us living together. 130 00:06:54,747 --> 00:06:56,772 I think it's a good setup. 131 00:06:57,750 --> 00:06:59,718 Man, this coffee's great. 132 00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:03,015 It's really great. 133 00:07:05,758 --> 00:07:07,055 Too great. 134 00:07:10,363 --> 00:07:12,331 What happened to Shocky? 135 00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:13,626 (GASPS) 136 00:07:20,239 --> 00:07:23,367 - What's this? - My coffee maker. From my apartment. 137 00:07:23,476 --> 00:07:26,604 - Makes great coffee, right? - Yeah, definitely. 138 00:07:27,046 --> 00:07:28,980 I mean, so does Shocky. 139 00:07:29,081 --> 00:07:33,074 Really? I always thought Shocky's coffee tasted kind of rusty. 140 00:07:33,352 --> 00:07:35,013 Yeah. No. It did. 141 00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:37,885 I mean, I kind of like the rusty taste. 142 00:07:38,658 --> 00:07:40,853 I'm used to it. I don't know. 143 00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:44,995 Also, Lily's coffee maker doesn't, you know, shock people. 144 00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:49,333 No, it's just... You gotta admit that shock, that... 145 00:07:49,435 --> 00:07:51,528 (GRUNTS) Wakes you up in the morning. 146 00:07:51,637 --> 00:07:53,696 You know what else wakes you up in the morning? 147 00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:55,000 Coffee. 148 00:07:56,509 --> 00:07:58,568 That's great. You're right. 149 00:07:59,679 --> 00:08:02,375 Roomies! I love it. 150 00:08:03,816 --> 00:08:06,580 They're edging me out. They're totally edging me out. 151 00:08:06,686 --> 00:08:10,281 - I didn't believe it, but you're right. - Told you. That Lily, she's a shrewd one. 152 00:08:10,389 --> 00:08:13,222 Yeah. She got you a nice new coffee maker. 153 00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:16,853 - How dare she? - It's not just the coffee maker. 154 00:08:17,630 --> 00:08:19,825 Done. The painting's done. 155 00:08:21,100 --> 00:08:23,125 - That is great. - Nice. 156 00:08:23,870 --> 00:08:26,805 - Where do you wanna hang it? - I don't know. 157 00:08:28,174 --> 00:08:29,698 Over the piano? 158 00:08:30,643 --> 00:08:33,009 Yeah, that would be a good place for it. 159 00:08:33,112 --> 00:08:36,809 Too bad the swords are there. We kind of love those swords. 160 00:08:38,584 --> 00:08:40,950 Well, those swords have been up there a long time. 161 00:08:41,053 --> 00:08:43,783 I know, right. I'd really miss them, too. 162 00:08:44,290 --> 00:08:46,315 So maybe Marshall's room. 163 00:08:47,660 --> 00:08:48,752 Okay. 164 00:08:50,129 --> 00:08:52,996 He was gonna take the swords down! Can you believe that? 165 00:08:53,099 --> 00:08:55,795 Ted, why don't you just talk to him? He's your best friend. 166 00:08:55,902 --> 00:08:57,028 That is I think. 167 00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,563 One of your best friends. 168 00:09:01,340 --> 00:09:04,241 The point is, maybe it's time for some healthy communication. 169 00:09:04,343 --> 00:09:07,506 Healthy communication? That's the worst idea ever! 170 00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:10,310 Look, you held off their first advance. That's good. 171 00:09:10,416 --> 00:09:14,113 - Now, it's time to counterstrike. - Yeah, well, what am I supposed to do? 172 00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:18,350 You gotta mark your territory. And I don't mean missing the toilet. 173 00:09:18,658 --> 00:09:20,626 You gotta do something big. 174 00:09:20,726 --> 00:09:24,127 - What, like, buy a new sofa? - Bigger. 175 00:09:24,964 --> 00:09:28,161 Katie's here. Okay, real quick. Last night, epiphany. 176 00:09:28,267 --> 00:09:29,996 I realized what the world of dating needs. 177 00:09:30,102 --> 00:09:32,468 Ready? A lemon law. 178 00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:35,871 - A lemon law, like for cars. - Exactly. 179 00:09:35,975 --> 00:09:38,808 From the moment the date begins, you have five minutes to decide 180 00:09:38,911 --> 00:09:40,902 whether you're going to commit to an entire evening. 181 00:09:41,013 --> 00:09:43,641 And, if you don't, it's no hard feelings, just, "Good night. 182 00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:45,842 "Thanks for playing. See you never." 183 00:09:47,053 --> 00:09:49,613 The lemon law. It's gonna be a thing. 184 00:09:49,722 --> 00:09:51,883 Possibly starting right now. 185 00:09:54,126 --> 00:09:58,927 - Hi, Katie. Barney. - Hi! It's good to finally meet you. 186 00:10:03,169 --> 00:10:07,162 Yeah. Katie, you are about to be a part of history. 187 00:10:13,746 --> 00:10:15,407 Tell your friends. 188 00:10:16,582 --> 00:10:18,106 It's gonna be a thing. 189 00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:23,479 Man, Ted's been acting weird. He's started labeling all his food. 190 00:10:23,589 --> 00:10:26,558 He even carved "Ted" into that block of cheese. 191 00:10:26,659 --> 00:10:29,127 Yeah. Well, now it's Ed's. 192 00:10:31,230 --> 00:10:35,291 - I think he's not cool with me moving in. - No, that's not it. 193 00:10:35,735 --> 00:10:38,863 I mean, you basically lived here all along. Ted loves you. 194 00:10:38,971 --> 00:10:42,907 - So, what's he PMS-ing about? - I don't know. 195 00:10:43,009 --> 00:10:46,206 But when he's ready to talk to me about it, he'll come and talk to me about it. 196 00:10:46,312 --> 00:10:49,577 Are you kidding? You guys never talk about anything. 197 00:10:49,682 --> 00:10:51,912 He'll just let it fester under the surface 198 00:10:52,018 --> 00:10:54,714 until he does something big and passive-aggressive. 199 00:10:54,820 --> 00:10:56,913 You clearly don't know Ted. 200 00:10:57,823 --> 00:10:59,723 Delivery for Ted Mosby. 201 00:11:05,197 --> 00:11:07,256 Your English phone booth arrived! 202 00:11:07,633 --> 00:11:10,966 Oh, awesome! It's great, right? 203 00:11:11,070 --> 00:11:14,733 Yeah, I guess. I'm just not sure if Lily's gonna like it. 204 00:11:16,442 --> 00:11:18,171 Well, I like it. 205 00:11:18,277 --> 00:11:22,236 So, I'm just gonna keep it right here, if that's cool. 206 00:11:23,449 --> 00:11:25,747 Of course. I mean, we all live here, 207 00:11:25,851 --> 00:11:29,082 so we should all be able to have things the way we want them. 208 00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:30,382 Exactly. 209 00:11:30,489 --> 00:11:32,184 Great. Terrific. 210 00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:35,217 You like the phone booth. It stays. 211 00:11:35,327 --> 00:11:37,386 I like this painting. 212 00:11:37,496 --> 00:11:42,297 So, I'm just gonna hang it right here on the wall. 213 00:11:49,175 --> 00:11:51,268 Oh, so it's like that, is it? 214 00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:53,072 (IMITATES PHONE RINGING) 215 00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:57,675 (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Oh, hello, governor. Oh, it's like that, innit? Cheerio. 216 00:11:57,783 --> 00:11:59,808 Yeah, it's like that. 217 00:12:00,886 --> 00:12:03,946 - I want this apartment! - Well, I want it, too. 218 00:12:04,924 --> 00:12:06,118 You're a jerk! 219 00:12:06,225 --> 00:12:09,661 No, I'm a visionary. Lemon law! It's gonna be a thing! 220 00:12:13,232 --> 00:12:16,861 For the record, your little lemon law is a symbol of everything that's wrong 221 00:12:16,969 --> 00:12:18,994 with our no-attention-span society. 222 00:12:19,105 --> 00:12:21,369 No, wrong, lemon law's awesome. 223 00:12:21,841 --> 00:12:25,208 It takes longer than five minutes to really get to know someone. 224 00:12:25,311 --> 00:12:29,077 You keep giving up on people so quickly, you could miss out on something great. 225 00:12:29,181 --> 00:12:31,581 Okay, you're on a blind date. 226 00:12:31,684 --> 00:12:34,278 Sitting across the table is that guy. 227 00:12:35,287 --> 00:12:37,847 You really think it'll take more than five minutes 228 00:12:37,957 --> 00:12:40,585 to realize there will be no date number two? 229 00:12:40,693 --> 00:12:42,024 Yes, I do. 230 00:12:42,128 --> 00:12:44,824 For all I know, that guy's my soul mate. 231 00:12:46,799 --> 00:12:48,790 Bad move Scherbatsky. 232 00:12:49,869 --> 00:12:52,531 Hi. Have you met Robin? 233 00:12:54,306 --> 00:12:55,796 - Hi. - Hi. 234 00:12:58,144 --> 00:12:59,236 All right, Marshall. 235 00:12:59,345 --> 00:13:02,178 We're deciding right now who gets this apartment. 236 00:13:02,281 --> 00:13:05,478 May lead to an argument, but we're settling this. 237 00:13:06,452 --> 00:13:09,683 - Or we could flip a coin. - Yeah, let's flip a coin. 238 00:13:11,257 --> 00:13:13,725 - Flip it. - Okay. I'm flipping it. Here I go. 239 00:13:13,826 --> 00:13:15,453 - Flip it. - Okay, here I go. I'll flip it. 240 00:13:15,561 --> 00:13:16,892 - Flip it. Go ahead. - I'm flipping! 241 00:13:16,996 --> 00:13:18,224 Flip it. 242 00:13:19,098 --> 00:13:20,725 But before I do, I just want to say something. 243 00:13:20,833 --> 00:13:22,767 You didn't even wanna move in here in the first place. 244 00:13:22,868 --> 00:13:24,665 You said a prewar building was bad for your allergies. 245 00:13:24,770 --> 00:13:25,759 That was five years ago. 246 00:13:25,871 --> 00:13:28,237 Now you can get prescription-level antihistamines over the counter. 247 00:13:28,340 --> 00:13:30,433 Oh, snap. What else you got? 248 00:13:31,410 --> 00:13:33,901 Okay, I'm flipping. Heads or tails? 249 00:13:34,146 --> 00:13:36,512 - You don't need two rooms. - Heads or tails, Marshall? 250 00:13:36,615 --> 00:13:39,448 - Like you need two rooms. - We might be starting a family soon. 251 00:13:39,552 --> 00:13:40,519 Oh, no, you're not! 252 00:13:40,619 --> 00:13:42,814 There's no way you're having a baby while you're still in law school. 253 00:13:42,922 --> 00:13:44,822 - It's gonna be at least three years. - It could be sooner. 254 00:13:44,924 --> 00:13:47,552 We're not that careful with our birth control! Two, zip. 255 00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:50,754 Oh, come on! You know damn well, I move out, that room's going unused. 256 00:13:50,863 --> 00:13:52,330 Oh, and I suppose you'll get a new roommate? 257 00:13:52,431 --> 00:13:55,696 Who's it gonna be? Barney? You know, he cooks naked. 258 00:13:56,202 --> 00:13:59,296 Yeah, well, at least Barney wouldn't take the swords down. 259 00:13:59,405 --> 00:14:02,738 We were bros! These swords represent our bro-hood. 260 00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:05,572 And you took them down to make room for your fiancée's stupid painting? 261 00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:08,647 My fiancée? Suddenly, she's "my fiancée"? 262 00:14:09,014 --> 00:14:10,447 Lily's a part of who I am. 263 00:14:10,549 --> 00:14:13,313 And if you're such a bro, she's a part of who you are, too. 264 00:14:13,419 --> 00:14:15,444 She's a bro by extension. 265 00:14:15,554 --> 00:14:18,022 I deserve this apartment, Marshall. 266 00:14:18,424 --> 00:14:20,051 No more than I do. 267 00:14:21,227 --> 00:14:23,388 Great. So, let's flip for it. 268 00:14:24,964 --> 00:14:26,192 Flip it. 269 00:14:34,340 --> 00:14:36,774 So, is this how we're deciding who gets the apartment? 270 00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:38,241 I guess so. 271 00:14:38,844 --> 00:14:41,608 How we doing this exactly? Is this like, to the death? 272 00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:44,205 We should probably figure that out. 273 00:14:44,917 --> 00:14:47,215 He's okay. He's okay. He's okay. 274 00:14:47,953 --> 00:14:51,252 - Can I observe something? - That this is kind of awesome? 275 00:14:51,357 --> 00:14:52,346 Totally. 276 00:14:52,458 --> 00:14:55,689 - I can't believe we didn't do this before. - I know. 277 00:14:55,828 --> 00:14:57,056 (BOTH GRUNTING) 278 00:14:57,563 --> 00:14:58,860 Thank you. 279 00:15:00,499 --> 00:15:01,796 I can't believe this. 280 00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:04,233 I'm sitting here with a beautiful woman I just met, 281 00:15:04,336 --> 00:15:07,669 eating at my favorite restaurant. Sweet. 282 00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:10,470 Well, it's a nice place. 283 00:15:10,576 --> 00:15:13,010 It's good to know the future has ribs. 284 00:15:13,112 --> 00:15:16,980 In the future, food will most likely be served in gel-cap form. 285 00:15:17,349 --> 00:15:20,409 Plus, cows will probably have died out by then. 286 00:15:20,886 --> 00:15:22,581 Or be our leaders. 287 00:15:23,088 --> 00:15:24,419 (CELL PHONE RINGING) 288 00:15:24,523 --> 00:15:27,549 Just one second. Hello? 289 00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:28,684 (CACKLING) 290 00:15:28,794 --> 00:15:31,592 Time's running out, Scherbatsky. Last chance for the lemon law. 291 00:15:31,697 --> 00:15:32,857 Leave me alone. 292 00:15:32,965 --> 00:15:35,456 Four fifty-six. Four fifty-seven. Four fifty-eight. 293 00:15:35,567 --> 00:15:37,592 We're only just getting to know each other. 294 00:15:37,703 --> 00:15:42,163 Say I'm right and this could all be over. This could be your call from the hospital. 295 00:15:42,608 --> 00:15:43,905 Sorry. 296 00:15:44,009 --> 00:15:45,271 Let me guess. 297 00:15:45,377 --> 00:15:48,141 There's been a crazy accident and you have to go. 298 00:15:48,247 --> 00:15:52,980 No! I would never do that. I don't wanna go anywhere. I'm all yours. 299 00:15:54,486 --> 00:15:57,922 Look, if you're a hooker, I don't have a lot of money. 300 00:16:00,392 --> 00:16:01,552 (GRUNTING) 301 00:16:01,660 --> 00:16:03,059 - Oh, that was awesome. - I know. 302 00:16:03,162 --> 00:16:04,390 Do it again. 303 00:16:04,496 --> 00:16:06,896 Okay, but this time, jump up and I'll swipe your legs. 304 00:16:06,999 --> 00:16:08,057 Oh, yeah. 305 00:16:08,167 --> 00:16:10,192 (GRUNTING) 306 00:16:15,874 --> 00:16:18,274 Look. Here's why I should get the place. 307 00:16:18,377 --> 00:16:20,470 You and Lily. You get to be married. 308 00:16:20,579 --> 00:16:24,982 What do I get, right? I get to be unmarried, alone, minus two roommates, 309 00:16:25,084 --> 00:16:27,848 and, on top of that, I have to be homeless! Does that seem fair? 310 00:16:27,953 --> 00:16:30,319 - Oh, boo-freaking-hoo. - What? 311 00:16:31,023 --> 00:16:34,584 Woe is me! I'm not married yet! My ovaries are shrinking! 312 00:16:34,693 --> 00:16:38,185 Ted! If you wanted to be married by now, you would be, but you're not. 313 00:16:38,297 --> 00:16:40,959 And you know why? Because you're irrationally picky, 314 00:16:41,066 --> 00:16:44,160 you're easily distracted, and you're utterly anhedonic. 315 00:16:44,269 --> 00:16:45,702 - "Anhedonic"? - Anhedonic. 316 00:16:45,804 --> 00:16:49,433 - It means you can't enjoy anything. - The hell I can't. I'm enjoying this. 317 00:16:49,541 --> 00:16:51,270 I know. This rules! 318 00:16:53,045 --> 00:16:54,239 (YELLING) 319 00:16:55,581 --> 00:16:58,880 - Hey, I'm sorry I took the swords down. - Dude, that's okay! 320 00:16:58,984 --> 00:17:01,111 It led to this totally rad sword fight, didn't it? 321 00:17:01,220 --> 00:17:02,710 Yeah, it did. 322 00:17:04,456 --> 00:17:05,889 (BOTH GRUNTING) 323 00:17:06,191 --> 00:17:07,852 You remember when we first got these swords? 324 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,222 It was the day we moved in. 325 00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,121 Congratulations, Marshall. 326 00:17:11,230 --> 00:17:13,494 We live in an apartment with swords on the wall. 327 00:17:13,599 --> 00:17:16,762 List of life-Iong dreams, you're now half as long. 328 00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:19,463 Crap. I'm missing one of those screws for this table. 329 00:17:19,571 --> 00:17:22,369 Well, just use this wood glue. It'll hold. 330 00:17:23,375 --> 00:17:24,399 Yeah! 331 00:17:24,843 --> 00:17:25,901 (GRUNTING) 332 00:17:27,012 --> 00:17:28,309 (LILY SCREAMING) 333 00:17:32,351 --> 00:17:34,615 Oh, God! I'll be right there. 334 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:39,123 Kevin, I'm so sorry. I have to go. My friend's been stabbed with a sword. 335 00:17:39,758 --> 00:17:41,191 (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) 336 00:17:43,362 --> 00:17:45,796 Klingon insult. You have no honor. 337 00:17:46,265 --> 00:17:48,859 You know, if you felt this way, you could have just been up front. 338 00:17:48,967 --> 00:17:51,800 No, I swear that was a real call. I just... 339 00:17:52,104 --> 00:17:53,571 Oh, forget it. 340 00:17:56,942 --> 00:18:01,470 I stabbed Lily. I stabbed my fiancée. 341 00:18:02,681 --> 00:18:06,617 Come on, Marshall. Do you really think she's still your fiancée? 342 00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:09,486 I'm kidding. 343 00:18:10,389 --> 00:18:13,483 Hey, I think you guys should have the apartment. 344 00:18:14,026 --> 00:18:16,494 But you fought so bravely for it. 345 00:18:16,595 --> 00:18:20,087 I wasn't fighting for the apartment. I was fighting for... 346 00:18:20,199 --> 00:18:23,726 I don't know. For everything to stay the way it is. 347 00:18:24,470 --> 00:18:26,597 But I'm not gonna get that, so... 348 00:18:26,705 --> 00:18:29,265 Seriously, take the place. It's yours. 349 00:18:29,374 --> 00:18:30,739 Is she okay? 350 00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:32,777 Well, they're just patching her up. She's gonna be fine. 351 00:18:32,878 --> 00:18:35,938 So, get this. I was on a date with this girl Jackie. 352 00:18:36,982 --> 00:18:40,679 What? You said she's fine. So, anyway, I was on a date with this girl Jackie. 353 00:18:41,186 --> 00:18:44,349 Wow, Jackie. You make a really great first impression. 354 00:18:44,456 --> 00:18:49,325 I have a feeling that tonight you might end up being Jackie... oh. 355 00:18:51,897 --> 00:18:55,526 Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to lemon-law you. 356 00:18:57,069 --> 00:19:00,937 It's out there. It's a thing! The lemon law is a thing! 357 00:19:01,039 --> 00:19:03,007 Damn. I should've called it Barney's law. 358 00:19:03,108 --> 00:19:06,475 - But, you totally got... - Just let him have this one. 359 00:19:07,846 --> 00:19:08,904 All set. 360 00:19:09,014 --> 00:19:13,144 She said she'd like to see the knights of the poorly-constructed round table. 361 00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:16,485 That's us. 362 00:19:18,423 --> 00:19:20,084 A sword fight? 363 00:19:20,792 --> 00:19:22,817 - Sorry, Lily. - Sorry, Lily. 364 00:19:23,061 --> 00:19:26,030 On Monday, I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class, 365 00:19:26,131 --> 00:19:28,429 who I teach not to run with scissors, 366 00:19:28,534 --> 00:19:32,300 that my fiancé ran me through with a fricking broadsword! 367 00:19:33,338 --> 00:19:36,865 Well, just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through. 368 00:19:37,209 --> 00:19:41,976 I'm sorry. Is this a discussion of the degree to which you stabbed me? 369 00:19:43,448 --> 00:19:45,712 You're right. I'm sorry. 370 00:19:46,485 --> 00:19:50,387 We were fighting to see who gets the apartment. And I won. 371 00:19:50,489 --> 00:19:53,322 You didn't win. I gave it to you. 372 00:19:53,425 --> 00:19:55,450 - You know what, if I had tried... - Okay, wait, wait, wait! 373 00:19:55,561 --> 00:19:59,088 I don't want that apartment! It's a boy apartment. 374 00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:05,159 It's full of swords and video games and kind of smells like dude. 375 00:20:08,173 --> 00:20:11,404 I mean, it's fine for now, but when we get married, 376 00:20:11,810 --> 00:20:14,244 I wanna start a new life with you. 377 00:20:14,546 --> 00:20:16,070 In a new place. 378 00:20:17,816 --> 00:20:21,343 - Gonna miss the old place. - I will, too. 379 00:20:22,688 --> 00:20:24,883 We're not getting married for, like, a year. 380 00:20:24,990 --> 00:20:26,981 Yeah, that's Future Marshall's problem. 381 00:20:27,092 --> 00:20:29,583 - Let that guy deal with it. - Totally. 382 00:20:30,429 --> 00:20:34,160 Maybe it's the massive blood loss talking, but I'm starving. 383 00:20:34,833 --> 00:20:38,291 - Let's go get some dinner. - I know just the place. 384 00:20:39,838 --> 00:20:41,135 A Chinese restaurant. 385 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,834 - I still don't believe it. - I told you. 386 00:20:44,042 --> 00:20:45,532 Okay, a toast. 387 00:20:46,378 --> 00:20:48,505 Life is full of changes. 388 00:20:48,981 --> 00:20:53,111 One day you have an apartment, the next day it's a House of Dumplings. 389 00:20:53,218 --> 00:20:56,779 But the important stuff doesn't change. To the important stuff. 390 00:20:56,888 --> 00:20:57,946 - Here, here. - Cheers. 391 00:20:58,056 --> 00:20:59,853 - Well said. - Cheers. 392 00:20:59,958 --> 00:21:01,585 To the lemon law. 393 00:21:03,362 --> 00:21:04,727 Self click. 394 00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:09,223 And, by the way, I bought these glasses. Bought them at Ikea. 395 00:21:09,401 --> 00:21:11,164 These are my glasses! 396 00:21:11,803 --> 00:21:14,601 I love this song. I haven't heard this in forever. 397 00:21:14,740 --> 00:21:17,868 I'm pretty sure this is a mix tape you made me in sophomore year. 398 00:21:17,976 --> 00:21:19,466 Yeah, right. 399 00:21:19,578 --> 00:21:23,036 Lily, your apartment makes the best Shanghai dumplings. 400 00:21:24,082 --> 00:21:27,142 MARSHALL ON SPEAKER; I love you, Lily, Happy Valentine's Day, 1998, 401 00:21:27,282 --> 00:21:27,942 End