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movie info: XVID  624x352 23.976fps 175.3 MB

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Kids, something you might not know about your Uncle Marshall

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is that he's always been good at games.

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I mean, unbeatable.

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Gin!

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Yahtzee!

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Poker!

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You don't have to shout out "poker" when you win.

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I know. It's just fun to say.

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We all finally agreed Marshall should be running our game nights

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instead of playing in them.

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Which he took to mean, "invent your own game."

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It's called "Marsh-gammon."

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It combines all the best features of all the best games--

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Candy Land, I Never, Pictionary.

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Backgammon, obviously.

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No. Backgammon sucks.

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I took the only good part of backgammon, the "gammon,"

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and I left the rest of it in the trash where it belongs.

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I'm so excited Victoria's coming.

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I'm going to go get another round.

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Okay, I want to lay down some ground rules for tonight.

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Barney, I actually like Victoria... a lot,

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so don't say anything embarrass...

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Don't say anything.

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And guys, I haven't exactly told Victoria that I used to have a kind of thing for Robin,

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- so we you could just avoid the...
- Well, well, well. How rich.

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You make me promise to be on my best behavior around your girlfriend,

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yet, you have been lying to her since day one.

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Excuse me.

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Hi. Leg Warehouse? Yeah, my friend Ted needs something to stand on.

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So, nothing for him to stand on?

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Okay, and thanks so much.

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Ted, doesn't Victoria deserve to know that you once had the hots for Robin?

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I have half a mind to tell the story of the re-return.

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No. I-I swore you to secrecy on that.

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Ooh, I am smelling dirt. What is the story of the re-return?

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Nothing. It's nothing.

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And speaking of digging up dirt, can I count on you two to behave around Victoria?

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Us? What would we do?

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Look, um, you guys have always been like the parents that I still have

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and, in fact, moved here to get away from.

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However, could we skip the traditional interrogation of the new girlfriend tonight?

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- Fine.
- Fine.

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Thank you.

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I should go help Robin.

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- Hey.
- Hey.

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So, are you going to be okay hanging out with Victoria tonight?

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Oh, sure. She's great.

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Oh, what? Because of the whole thing where I said I liked Ted?

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No. Victoria's great.

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She's fun, she's free-spirited, she's great.

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I said, "She's great" too many times, didn't I?

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You must really hate the bitch.

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But if you roll an even number while adjacent to the Peppermint Forest,

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then you "Marshall out," and all your chips go into the pot,

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and remember, if you ever ask the question "What?", then...

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you got to drink. Got it?

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Okay, okay, no, no, we'll just start, you guys'll pick it up.

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Newbie goes first. Roll.

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Okay.

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Three!

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You got Autobiography.

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Now, that's where you have to answer a personal question

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about your dating life truthfully in order to move on.

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Marshall, come on.

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Hey, she's the one who rolled a three.

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Victoria, "Have you ever cheated while in a relationship?"

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Wow, good question.

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- You don't have to answer that.
- It's okay.

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Um, well, I was in a really crappy relationship in college,

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and I wound up kissing this guy at a party one night,

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and I felt terrible about it, so, I came clean, and we broke up.

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Victoria, that was an honest and mature answer.

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You may advance to The Gumdrop Mountains.

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So Victoria, did you ever re-return to this guy?

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What?

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You said what, you got to drink!

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Oh, Barney, by the way, I went to a party in that new building on 82nd,

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and the host said she knew you.

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What is her name? Sharon? Shannon?

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Shannon?!

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Shannon, Shannon...

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No, don't remember any Shannon.

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Really? Well, 'cause she gave me a videotape to give...

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Where's the tape?

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Fine. I'll go get it.

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Cool, okay. You know, whenever.

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Okay, Robin, your roll.

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Five! Another Autobiography...

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for the player to your left, which...

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Victoria!

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Of course.

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Victoria,  "How many boyfriends did you have before you started dating Ted?"

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Wait, the card actually says "Ted?"

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Okay, uh, well, boyfriends--I guess I've only had... two.

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Prude alert.

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Well... that's serious boyfriends.

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I've dated other guys in between.

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Oh, slut alert!

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Oh, great, there it is. Thanks, Lily. You're a peach.

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Oh, wow, look at that.

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Robin landed on the Chocolate Swamp. That's five chips for me.

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Thank you! Finally somebody understands Marsh-gammon.

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Barney, what was on that tape?

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Too bad you'll never find out.

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Oh, damn it!

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If only I'd given you a fake tape and hidden the real tape in my purse.

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Oh, wait. That's exactly what I did.

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What?!

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Drink!

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Yeah, you were acting so weird about it, I gave you Ted's graduation tape instead.

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So, should we pop it in?

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- Give it to me, give it, give me...
- Play the tape, play it, play it!

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- Ted!
- Fine, fine.

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You cannot play it.

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Shannon!

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I  love you!

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I love you so much.

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What about us changing the world together?

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Don't tell me you've forgotten.

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I know I haven't.

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Will I ever see another rainbow?

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Will an eagle ever soar through this tempest of woe?

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Baby, please

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Don't go

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There's a thief in the palace, she's stolen all my love

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There's a thief in the palace and she's...

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Did you try his cell phone?

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Yeah, I left two messages.

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I checked the cigar club, the Lusty Leopard.

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He's off the grid.

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Hey, guys, what up?

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Barney, where have you been?

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Yeah, we're-we're really sorry about that.

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Yeah, so sorry.

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But seriously, what was up with the tape?

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- No, no, stay.
- Come on, Barney.

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- Come on.
- Stay!

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I'm sorry. I don't want to talk about it.

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It was the most embarrassing, and humiliating thing that ever happened to me.

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Well, we all have embarrassing stories.

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Sometimes it's good to-to talk about it.

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Oh, really?

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Then why don't you tell us your most humiliating moment, Marshall?

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Show me how good it is.

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All right.

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I was stopping by Lily's kindergarten class to say hi,

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but they were all at recess.

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I really had to pee, so I went into the class's restroom.

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It was a-a smaller target than I'm used to, so I figured I should sit down.

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What I didn't realize was, it was a shared bathroom.

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I wish I'd pulled up my pants.

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The kids still call him Funny Butt.

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Okay. I'll tell you my story.

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Believe it or not, I was not always as awesome as I am today.

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It  was 1998.

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I was just out of college, and I was working at a coffeehouse with my girlfriend.

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My girlfriend... Shannon.

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Yeah, you were meant for me

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And I was meant for you

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Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh.

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Thank you.

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All right.

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I love your singing, Barney.

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And I love you, Shannon.

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Joining the Peace Corps with you is gonna be legendary.

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I know. Only five short weeks till we're down in Nicaragua.

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Hey, nonfat latte to go.

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Mellow order, bro, mellow order.

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Dude, that your g-friend?

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All right, high five!

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Sorry, I only give high twos.

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Whatevs. As long as you're nailing that.

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Listen to you.

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That?

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You know, women aren't objects. They're human beings.

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And FYI, Shannon and I have decided to wait till we're married.

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You can read about it in my zine.

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Hey, haircut, right here.

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Open up your knowledge basket, 'cause here it comes.

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Forget that touchy-feely crap.

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You get money, you get laid. End of discussion.

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I feel sorry for you, man.

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Peace out, hombre.

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Suits.

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Five weeks later, we were all set to leave for the Peace Corps.

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Only problem was...

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she never showed up.

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She never showed?

191
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So, what happened next?

192
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You know what? This was a mistake.

193
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Wait... What if somebody else told their most humiliating story?

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Oh, I know just how to decide who.

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You brought the game to the bar?

196
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Well, we're not quitting just 'cause Ted's so far ahead.

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I was winning?

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Fine. I'll go next.

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I was doing a report on live TV about a hansom cab driver.

200
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Not the slipping-in-horse-poop story!

201
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Yeah, we all know that one.

202
00:10:09,693 --> 00:10:11,361
Okay, how about this?

203
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I will tell you my most humiliating story.

204
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Yeah, Victoria, way to step up!

205
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Okay, it involves a game of truth or dare,

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a squeeze-bottle of marshmallow ice cream topping,

207
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and the hot tub at my grandparents' retirement community.

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Kids, I tell you a lot of inappropriate stories,

209
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but there's no way in hell I'm telling you this one.

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Don't worry, though, it wasn't that great.

211
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That is the greatest story ever!

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- Oh my God!
- Wow, wow!

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Victoria, I deem your offering... worthy.

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My saga... continues.

215
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I went back to the coffeehouse to find Shannon.

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Barney.

217
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Sugar Bear, where were you?

218
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Oh, I'm sorry. My dad won't let me go.

219
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But the Nicaraguans need us!

220
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It's just, he's still supporting me, and...

221
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Look, he's coming by soon to talk about it, but

222
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I think you should go on without me.

223
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Shannon, there is no...

224
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Barney, it's your dream.

225
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It's only two years.

226
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I know we can make it.

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As I walked away, I realized Shannon was an adult.

228
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Her father couldn't control her life.

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I had to go back and confront him.

230
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She was in the middle of a heated argument with her dad.

231
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What?!

232
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Now we all got to drink.

233
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Oh, my God. What happened next?

234
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I don't know, guys.

235
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Okay, okay.

236
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- Marshall's mom sent us cookies...
- Lily, no!

237
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For the team, Marshall, for the team.

238
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Hey, Mrs. Eriksen, it's Lily.

239
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Thank you so much for the delicious cookies.

240
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Mayonnaise.

241
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Really?

242
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Never would have guessed.

243
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Well, I will definitely give Marshall a kiss for you.

244
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Okay. Take care.

245
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Oh,  crap. My mom sent cookies?

246
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Yeah.

247
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I wish we had a dog, so they wouldn't go to waste.

248
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So we've got the whole place to ourselves.

249
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I'm thinking floor sex.

250
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Sounds reasonable.

251
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Ooh, floor's cold.

252
00:12:46,058 --> 00:12:48,060
Grab that afghan your mom made.

253
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The whole time?

254
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The... whole... time.

255
00:12:56,944 --> 00:12:59,321
Barney, that was really embarrassing for both of us.

256
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We just earned a huge chunk of story.

257
00:13:01,657 --> 00:13:02,574
Right.

258
00:13:02,574 --> 00:13:04,117
So where was I?

259
00:13:04,159 --> 00:13:07,663
Oh, yeah. Shannon was sucking face with her dad.

260
00:13:15,796 --> 00:13:18,507
How can... With your dad?

261
00:13:18,549 --> 00:13:23,011
I mean, I know judge not lest ye be judged, but gross!

262
00:13:23,011 --> 00:13:25,222
Barney, that's not my dad.

263
00:13:25,222 --> 00:13:27,599
His name's Greg. I've been seeing him for a few weeks.

264
00:13:27,599 --> 00:13:31,353
I was hoping you'd just leave, and we could avoid all this.

265
00:13:31,979 --> 00:13:33,564
We're breaking up?

266
00:13:33,564 --> 00:13:35,274
But what about the Peace Corps?

267
00:13:35,274 --> 00:13:39,111
Yeah, all this granola business, it was just a phase.

268
00:13:39,111 --> 00:13:40,863
Greg's older.

269
00:13:40,863 --> 00:13:42,447
He's successful.

270
00:13:42,447 --> 00:13:45,200
He buys me all this cool stuff.

271
00:13:46,076 --> 00:13:47,703
But I love you.

272
00:13:48,078 --> 00:13:49,830
But he has a boat.

273
00:13:51,165 --> 00:13:55,878
You should go to the Peace Corps and forget about me.

274
00:13:59,256 --> 00:14:00,549
I didn't go.

275
00:14:01,216 --> 00:14:04,803
That night, I recorded my video and mailed it to Shannon.

276
00:14:04,845 --> 00:14:07,514
I didn't see her until a week later.

277
00:14:07,973 --> 00:14:09,892
There's sugar in the basket.

278
00:14:12,269 --> 00:14:15,022
Shannon! Shannon, you came back!

279
00:14:15,022 --> 00:14:17,149
I'm just picking up my last paycheck.

280
00:14:17,149 --> 00:14:21,945
Oh. Did you... did you get my tape?

281
00:14:21,945 --> 00:14:23,864
Oh, she got the tape.

282
00:14:24,281 --> 00:14:25,741
You?

283
00:14:26,783 --> 00:14:28,577
It was you?

284
00:14:28,577 --> 00:14:32,456
Will I ever see another rainbow

285
00:14:32,998 --> 00:14:34,583
Oh, man.

286
00:15:51,910 --> 00:15:53,829
Oh, you poor thing.

287
00:15:53,829 --> 00:15:55,330
The story's not over.

288
00:15:55,330 --> 00:15:57,499
I did see Shannon one more time.

289
00:15:57,499 --> 00:15:58,458
When?

290
00:15:58,458 --> 00:15:59,209
Sorry.

291
00:15:59,418 --> 00:16:00,460
Sorry.

292
00:16:01,879 --> 00:16:04,006
You've got to tell us.

293
00:16:04,131 --> 00:16:09,219
I  don't know, I think I might need one last story to get me through it.

294
00:16:10,888 --> 00:16:11,972
Fine.

295
00:16:11,972 --> 00:16:16,310
Um... oh! The green testicle story. So I was playing ultimate frisbee in college

296
00:16:16,310 --> 00:16:19,062
and there was this barefoot dude with weirdly sharp toenails...

297
00:16:19,062 --> 00:16:22,608
Oh, come on, Ted! You know what story I want to hear.

298
00:16:22,608 --> 00:16:25,527
Everyone else here has manned up tonight and told the truth.

299
00:16:25,527 --> 00:16:26,945
Why can't you?

300
00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:29,364
You're right.

301
00:16:30,449 --> 00:16:32,951
Victoria, I'm sorry I haven't told you this yet,

302
00:16:32,951 --> 00:16:37,623
but a while back, I was kind of into Robin.

303
00:16:38,123 --> 00:16:42,836
In fact, on our first date, I might have said, "I love you."

304
00:16:43,754 --> 00:16:46,673
Understandably, she freaked out and I left.

305
00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:51,011
But unfortunately, the night did not end there.

306
00:16:52,763 --> 00:16:55,933
We all ended up at the bar with our cab driver Ranjit.

307
00:16:55,933 --> 00:16:57,851
To one hell of a night!

308
00:17:00,771 --> 00:17:03,941
And I drank... a lot.

309
00:17:06,652 --> 00:17:09,196
So  you guys think I should have kissed her?

310
00:17:09,738 --> 00:17:14,952
Well, I'll tell you what, I'm gonna go kiss her right... now.

311
00:17:14,952 --> 00:17:16,995
Yes! Do it!

312
00:17:16,995 --> 00:17:18,497
To the cab.

313
00:17:36,390 --> 00:17:37,641
Hello?

314
00:17:37,641 --> 00:17:39,017
Is someone out there?

315
00:17:48,777 --> 00:17:51,113
You ralphed and ran?

316
00:17:51,405 --> 00:17:54,449
I thought you were vomit-free since '93.

317
00:17:54,449 --> 00:17:56,076
So that was a lie?

318
00:17:57,327 --> 00:17:59,538
You re-returned for me.

319
00:17:59,830 --> 00:18:01,498
That's really sweet.

320
00:18:01,707 --> 00:18:05,210
Though you kind of ruined my customized Scherbotsky doormat.

321
00:18:05,210 --> 00:18:06,170
Sorry.

322
00:18:06,170 --> 00:18:07,421
It's okay.

323
00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:10,048
Victoria, I know this must be...

324
00:18:10,048 --> 00:18:13,510
Yeah. It kind of is.

325
00:18:16,597 --> 00:18:19,683
Wow, Ted, you were right. You shouldn't have told that story.

326
00:18:20,684 --> 00:18:23,687
But you did earn yourself the right to the end of mine.

327
00:18:23,687 --> 00:18:26,440
We fast-forward eight years into the future.

328
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:29,693
Wait, eight years, that's, that's this year.

329
00:18:29,693 --> 00:18:33,447
Marshall, not only is it this year, it's tonight.

330
00:18:43,081 --> 00:18:44,249
Hi.

331
00:18:45,918 --> 00:18:47,002
Barney?

332
00:18:47,002 --> 00:18:48,378
Hi, Shannon.

333
00:18:49,046 --> 00:18:51,131
- What are you doing here?
- Just listen.

334
00:18:51,381 --> 00:18:55,010
When you left me for that guy Greg, it changed me.

335
00:18:55,010 --> 00:18:57,513
Now I'm this.

336
00:18:58,639 --> 00:19:02,643
I-I know this is crazy. It's just, you were once such a big part of my life.

337
00:19:02,643 --> 00:19:05,187
And it just seemed insane that you didn't know who I am now.

338
00:19:05,187 --> 00:19:08,148
So here I am.

339
00:19:09,608 --> 00:19:11,610
And then she told me about her life.

340
00:19:11,610 --> 00:19:15,072
She and Greg dated for a while and then split up.

341
00:19:15,197 --> 00:19:16,865
But here's the real kicker:

342
00:19:16,865 --> 00:19:18,659
Shannon's a mom.

343
00:19:18,742 --> 00:19:21,078
She has a little kid named Max.

344
00:19:21,245 --> 00:19:22,871
That's crazy.

345
00:19:23,288 --> 00:19:25,332
That could have been my kid.

346
00:19:26,041 --> 00:19:28,252
But instead, what do I have?

347
00:19:28,627 --> 00:19:31,880
My whole life's some money in the bank, some suits in my closet

348
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:35,425
and a string of one-night stands.

349
00:19:35,926 --> 00:19:37,761
Hey. Come on.

350
00:19:37,761 --> 00:19:41,473
I mean, just because her life went one way and yours went another,

351
00:19:41,473 --> 00:19:44,142
it doesn't make your life any worse.

352
00:19:45,602 --> 00:19:47,688
My life rocks!

353
00:19:48,689 --> 00:19:52,442
Money, suits and sex. These are tears of joy!

354
00:19:52,651 --> 00:19:57,531
I could be cooped up in some tiny apartment changing some brat's poopy diapers.

355
00:19:57,531 --> 00:20:01,577
But instead, I'm out in the world being awesome 24-7, 365!

356
00:20:01,577 --> 00:20:03,453
You let me dodge a bullet, Big Guy.

357
00:20:04,371 --> 00:20:07,875
Plus, here's the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry

358
00:20:07,875 --> 00:20:10,836
on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life.

359
00:20:10,836 --> 00:20:13,964
After Shannon and I talked, I nailed her.

360
00:20:14,798 --> 00:20:15,841
- Nope.
- Yeah.

361
00:20:15,966 --> 00:20:16,675
- Nope.
- Yeah.

362
00:20:16,675 --> 00:20:19,428
Sorry. Don't buy it. You're making it up.

363
00:20:19,428 --> 00:20:21,555
You're just trying to cover the fact that you actually had

364
00:20:21,555 --> 00:20:24,474
a profound moment of doubt about yourself and...

365
00:20:25,267 --> 00:20:27,060
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, Barney!

366
00:20:27,311 --> 00:20:29,438
Video's pretty good on this phone, huh?

367
00:20:29,438 --> 00:20:30,731
Is your phone on?

368
00:20:30,731 --> 00:20:33,150
Oh, no. It just takes a while to power down.

369
00:20:33,692 --> 00:20:36,028
Ew, gross. Just stop it.

370
00:20:38,071 --> 00:20:40,824
Ladies, gentlemen... Ted.

371
00:20:42,117 --> 00:20:43,744
This has been a wonderful evening.

372
00:20:43,744 --> 00:20:45,454
I got great dirt on all you guys.

373
00:20:45,454 --> 00:20:47,581
I got Ted to tell the re-return.

374
00:20:47,581 --> 00:20:49,500
I finally nailed Shannon!

375
00:20:49,500 --> 00:20:52,044
Told her I'd call her tomorrow. Yeah, right.

376
00:20:52,419 --> 00:20:56,215
And I rediscovered just how awesomely awesome my life is.

377
00:20:56,215 --> 00:20:57,966
Peace out, hombres!

378
00:21:01,678 --> 00:21:04,431
I think Barney just won game night.

379
00:21:06,308 --> 00:21:09,895
We spend so much effort trying to keep parts of our lives hidden,

380
00:21:09,895 --> 00:21:11,980
even from our closest friends.

381
00:21:11,980 --> 00:21:14,566
But those rare times when we do open up,

382
00:21:14,566 --> 00:21:18,195
it's amazing how minor those secrets all end up seeming.

383
00:21:26,954 --> 00:21:30,207
Of course, not every secret was told that night.

384
00:21:31,375 --> 00:21:33,752
But that's getting ahead of the story.