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movie info: XVID  608x336 23.976fps 175.0 MB

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When your Uncle Marshall was ten years old,

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he read a book called Life Among the Gorillas.

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It was written by an anthropologist named Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez,

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and it told the story of the year she spent living among the Western Lowland Gorillas of Cameroon.

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When Dr. Birnholz-Vazquez came to the local community college to give a lecture,

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Marshall, the youngest member of the audience, raised his hand with a question.

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What advice do you have for a budding anthropologist?

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So you want to be an anthropologist?

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Yep. When I grow up, I want to go live with the gorillas, just like you did.

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What she said next changed his life.

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Oh, that's wonderful, but I'm afraid you can't.

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They'll all be dead by then.

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...and if economic sanctions and trade restrictions aren't enforced,

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the destruction of the rainforests will continue and over a million species will be wiped out.

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So you don't want coffee?

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I'm saying that the coffee industry is causing irreversible...

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- All right. I'm pouring it out.
- Okay, one cup.

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The kid needs to be alert. First day on the job and everything.

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I still can't believe you're going all corporate on us.

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"The kid" has become "the man."

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Okay, it's just an internship to make a little money.

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After law school, I'm going to work for the NRDC.

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They're gonna stop global warming.

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Well... I mean... they did their best.

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Here's your sack lunch.

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Okay, I love you because, one, you made me a sack lunch

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and two, you laugh every time you say the word "sack".

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- I love you, Marshmallow.
- I love you.

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I love you too, Marshmallow.

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Uh-oh.

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Ted?

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Oh, no. No, she didn't.

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Yeah. Yeah, she did.

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Another care package?

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Another care package.

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I'd been in a long-distance relationship with Victoria for nearly a month.

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Long-distance relationships are a bad idea.

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How many is that so far?

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Three.

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And how many have you sent her?

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In the mail or in my mind?

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Zero. She's up three-zip.

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Oh! Cupcakes!

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Great. I bet they're delicious, too.

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Yup, they're delicious.

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Damn it!

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I don't deserve these delicious cupcakes.

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God, I hate myself right now.

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God, that is so me at 15.

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Marshall was going to work for a big corporation called Altrucel.

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Altrucel was most well-known for making the yellow fuzzy stuff on the surface of tennis balls.

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I mean, this was a huge company, so they did other things...

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But mostly they wanted the public to focus on the yellow fuzzy stuff.

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Anyway, Marshall managed to score an internship in their legal department

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because he knew someone who worked there.

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Go for Barney.

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Mr. Stinson, this is Willis from lobby security.

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Sorry to bother you, but we've had reports of a sasquatch loose in the building.

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A sasquatch?

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That's right, sir, a Bigfoot.

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We don't want to alarm you, but he's been spotted on your floor.

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Yes!

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Look at you.

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You suited in an unmistakably upward direction.

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Whoa. That is a butt-load of motivational posters.

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Yeah, hell, yeah. I got 'em all: Teamwork, Courage, Awesomeness...

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There's one for awesomeness?

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Yeah, I had it made.

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Sit.

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Hey, so, now that I'm working here, are you finally going to tell me exactly what your job is?

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Please.

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- My dawg!
- My dawg!

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Hey, Blauman, Bilson, this is Marshall. These guys are in legal.

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You're gonna be working with them.

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Marshall Eriksen. Nice to meet you.

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Nice tie. Steak sauce.

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Oh, steak sauce! For true, though.

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Where, I don't, I don't see...

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Marshall? Sidebar.

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Your tie is steak sauce. It means A-1. A-1? Get it? Try to keep up.

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Okay, Eriksen, let's get to work. It's 2:00 a.m. It's raining outside.

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Ding dong! What? The doorbell?

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Oh, hello, Jessica Alba in a trench coat and nothing else.

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But wait-- knock, knock. Somebody's at the back door?

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I don't have a back door.

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Oh, my gosh, Jessica Simpson? What a surprise.

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Two Jessicas, you gotta pick one. What do you do? Go.

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Right. Well, uh... I'm engaged, so--

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Fiancee's out of town. What do you do? Go.

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We're still engaged, even if she's...

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Okay, fiancee's dead. Hit by a bus. What do you do? Go.

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Sure you don't want one?

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How  many of those have you eaten?

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Four. Teen. No, just four.

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And the icing from two more.

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So, anyway, here's the problem.

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Hey, it's Ted. I guess you're asleep.

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Anyway, I got the care package, and it's just great.

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Here, listen...

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Mmm. Mmm!

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So I'm standing there, my mouth full of this delicious relationship-winning cupcake...

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And... I said something dumb.

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Oh, and, um... don't worry, yours is in the mail.

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I sent it a couple days ago.

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And it's awesome.

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Really, really awesome.

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Why did I say that?

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I think frosting makes me lie.

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Oh, Teddy boy.

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Yeah. So now, whatever I send her, she'll know I sent it after I talked to her.

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So that's the problem. You work on that. I'm gonna eat this cupcake.

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All right, here's what you do:

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Put together a care package of stuff from New York--

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some H&H bagels, an Empire State Building keychain...

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and then, top off the package with a New York Times... Ready?

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From three days ago.

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That's  brilliant.

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You're brilliant.

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You know, it's funny, not so long ago,

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I was coming to Marshall and Lily for advice on how to impress you.

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That is funny.

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And here's why it was funny.

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Little did I realize, a few weeks earlier,

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here's what Robin was saying to Lily about me.

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Okay, fine, I have feelings for him.

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Now it's ironic, the girl I used to like is helping me impress the girl I now like.

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The irony is clear, Ted.

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Hey! How was your first day?

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I don't wanna talk about it.

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The guys I work with are a bunch of jerks.

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- What?
- They're jerks!

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What makes them jerks?

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Forget it, I don't want to talk about it.

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Well, like today at lunch..

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What do you got there, Ericksen? Mommy pack your lunch?

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For your information, my fiancee did.

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Oh... Does she cut the crusts off your sandwich, too?

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No.

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What's that?

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Nothing.

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Give it.

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"Dear Marshmallow. Good luck today. I love you. Lilypad."

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Give it.

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P.S. If you've unfolded this note, your kiss already got out. Quick-- catch it."

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Give it back. Hey, give it. Gimme... Give it!

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Oh, screw those guys! We're adorable.

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I know. God.

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It's like freshman year all over again.

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Only this time, my sweet dance moves aren't going to be enough to win them over.

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Not even Old Reliable.

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Sweetie... It would be cool to have some extra money,

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but, but, if you're unhappy, it's not worth it.

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I quit.

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What? No. We're having so much fun.

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You, me, working together. It's great.

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We're  not even working together, Barney. I'm in the legal department and you're...

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Seriously, what is it that you do?

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Please.

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I'm sorry, dude, this corporate thing, it's just... it's not for me.

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Oh, of course it's not for you.

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It's for Lily.

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What?

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Marshall. Lily's a catch.

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But do you really think you're going to hang onto a girl that great without the package?

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The package?

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The package. The house. The car. Sending your kids to a great school.

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A vacation once in a while.

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Lily doesn't care about that stuff.

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Well, no-- now she doesn't, but how's she going to feel in a couple years,

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when she's supporting you on a kindergarten teacher's salary

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while you're off in court defending some... endangered... South American... flying beaver.

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She'll be happy.

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Okay.

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But will you be happy knowing you could have made her a lot happier.

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And all four are totally naked. You gotta choose one. What do you do? Go.

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I guess, uh...

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Bea Arthur.

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Ahh! Wrong! Betty White.

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Clean this stuff up, Eriksen.

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So, did she get the awesome care package yet?

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Yep. Yesterday.

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Did she love it?

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Ooh, she loved it.

186
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So what's the problem?

187
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So I was talking to her last night. And, I should tell you,

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we've been talking on the phone every other night for, like, an hour and a half.

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Eventually you just run out of stuff to say.

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What did you have for lunch today?

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Oh. Rye bread.

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Yeah.

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Oh, Teddy boy.

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I'm usually so good at being a boyfriend, but this never-seeing-each-other thing, it's a bitch.

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Maybe it just can't be done.

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I think it's clear what I have to do.

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It's pretty clear.

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I have to go to Germany and surprise her.

199
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Totally what I was thinking.

200
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Get out of my head, man!

201
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Barney, how do I get these idiots to leave me alone?

202
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Marshall, consider the penguins.

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The penguins?

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On the wall.

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"Conformity. It's the one who's different that gets left out in the cold."

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This is a motivational poster?

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Look at yourself, Marshall. You're not happy.

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And you know why? Because you're different.

209
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Now, I suppose you could learn to love yourself for the unique little snowflake that you are,

210
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or... you could change your entire personality, which is just so much easier.

211
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Change your personality? That is so awful, and not at all motivational.

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Not necessarily. Okay, at first, I was appalled,

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but then I realized it's just like Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vasquez in Life Among the Gorillas.

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I have to gain the acceptance of the herd by behaving exactly like one of them.

215
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It's an anthropological study. Isn't that cool?

216
00:11:08,585 --> 00:11:10,921
It sounds kinda like peer pressure.

217
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No, no, no. It's totally anthropological

218
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and it's cool and I'm doing it.

219
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Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's peer pressure. We have an assembly every year.

220
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I'm portraying someone who succumbs to peer pressure.

221
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All right, but if those guys try to pressure you to smoke, what do you say?

222
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- Only when I'm drunk.
- Good boy.

223
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And so, to fit in with the gorillas, Marshall had to learn to act like a gorilla,

224
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and that meant gorilla lessons.

225
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Okay, I'm psyched about this.

226
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But if I'm going to mentor you, I need to know you're psyched about this, too.

227
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Oh, I am. I'm, I'm psyched.

228
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Yeah, but it's one thing to say it, it's another thing to show it.

229
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Show it.

230
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I'm psyched!

231
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What was that?

232
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Marshall, I should feel tremors of psychitude rock my body like a seizure.

233
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That was like a declawed pregnant cat on a porch swing idly swatting

234
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at a fly on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

235
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Wow, that was really specific.

236
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Show me you're psyched!

237
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Let's do this!

238
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- Ow! That hurt!
- So badly.

239
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And then you slip it to the guy with a discreet handshake and he'll get it done.

240
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Right. Get what done?

241
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Whatever.

242
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Cool.

243
00:12:40,719 --> 00:12:42,137
And what guy is this?

244
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There's always a guy.

245
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Okay, all right, I, uh, I think I'm ready.

246
00:12:47,518 --> 00:12:50,646
You  sure? You want to practice your story one more time?

247
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All right.

248
00:12:55,484 --> 00:12:59,863
So dude, check it. I'm in San Diego with two of my bro-sephs from Kappa,

249
00:12:59,863 --> 00:13:03,909
and they're all, "Yo, Eriksen, let's roll to the strip clubs."

250
00:13:03,909 --> 00:13:06,203
So I'm, like, "Snapadoo!"

251
00:13:06,203 --> 00:13:08,831
So we find this choice nudie nest near the airport...

252
00:13:08,831 --> 00:13:11,834
...and that is when the bouncer kicked us out.

253
00:13:11,834 --> 00:13:18,257
Now, I have no idea if Svetlana ever got her green card, but dudes, fake diamond ring?

254
00:13:18,257 --> 00:13:20,342
Worth every penny, bruh.

255
00:13:21,552 --> 00:13:22,845
Eriksen...

256
00:13:23,554 --> 00:13:27,182
...that was steak sauce!

257
00:13:30,853 --> 00:13:32,271
Great story.

258
00:13:44,950 --> 00:13:49,872
The next moning, I was about to buy my ticket to Germany when I got an e-mail.

259
00:13:50,205 --> 00:13:51,415
Uh-oh.

260
00:13:51,415 --> 00:13:53,750
"Hey, Ted, sorry I missed your call last night.

261
00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:56,128
This long-distance thing sucks, huh?

262
00:13:56,128 --> 00:13:59,173
Listen, I've been thinking and I really need to talk to you tonight.

263
00:13:59,173 --> 00:14:01,175
I'll call you at 11:00. Victoria."

264
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:02,676
So?

265
00:14:02,718 --> 00:14:05,012
So she's going to dump me.

266
00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:06,805
Has anyone ever said, "Listen, I've been thinking,"

267
00:14:06,805 --> 00:14:08,390
and then follow it up with something good?

268
00:14:08,390 --> 00:14:12,895
It's not like: Listen, I've been thinking, Nutter-Butters are an underrated cookie.

269
00:14:13,562 --> 00:14:14,855
What else can it be?

270
00:14:14,855 --> 00:14:18,066
What could she possibly have to say to me that she couldn't write in an e-mail?

271
00:14:18,108 --> 00:14:19,860
I cut off all my fingers?

272
00:14:21,570 --> 00:14:25,741
Ted, you're a great guy. I know it, you know it, she knows it.

273
00:14:25,741 --> 00:14:29,495
I would bet you a gazillion dollars-- no, I'm even more confident.

274
00:14:29,495 --> 00:14:33,707
I would bet you a floppity jillion dollars that she's not calling to break up with you.

275
00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:36,502
Thanks. You're right. I'm being crazy.

276
00:14:36,502 --> 00:14:38,295
So I should still buy that plane ticket, right?

277
00:14:38,337 --> 00:14:39,588
I'd wait.

278
00:14:41,965 --> 00:14:44,801
'Sup, Blauman? E-bomb here.

279
00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:46,678
We still on for karaoke?

280
00:14:47,012 --> 00:14:52,059
Dope. I'm going to rock you on the mike so hard your hears are going to bleed gravy.

281
00:14:52,351 --> 00:14:55,312
Catch you on the flip, butt puppet.

282
00:14:55,896 --> 00:14:56,939
Okay...

283
00:14:59,024 --> 00:15:00,609
...what do you think?

284
00:15:00,984 --> 00:15:02,486
Steak sauce.

285
00:15:03,111 --> 00:15:04,863
Steak sauce?

286
00:15:04,905 --> 00:15:06,281
Yeah.

287
00:15:06,490 --> 00:15:11,119
Look, you know, whatever anthropology you do at work is your business,

288
00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:14,373
but please don't act like that around here.

289
00:15:14,373 --> 00:15:16,959
Lily, when Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-...

290
00:15:16,959 --> 00:15:21,922
No, when Dr. Australia Birdbath-Vaseline came home from the gorillas,

291
00:15:21,922 --> 00:15:27,386
she didn't run around picking nits out of people's hair and-and throwing feces.

292
00:15:27,511 --> 00:15:31,056
I'm begging you just, just leave it at the office.

293
00:15:31,056 --> 00:15:31,974
Why?

294
00:15:31,974 --> 00:15:36,144
Because  you're acting like one of those guys, and those guys are lame.

295
00:15:36,144 --> 00:15:39,106
Okay, those guys were mean at first, yes,

296
00:15:39,106 --> 00:15:43,110
but they're actually good guys, and if you got to know them, then you would see that.

297
00:15:43,485 --> 00:15:49,658
Come karaoke with us tonight, and you'll see how totally not that lame they are, okay?

298
00:15:49,867 --> 00:15:51,285
Okay.

299
00:15:51,702 --> 00:15:55,289
But wait, knock-knock, back door, who's there?

300
00:15:55,289 --> 00:15:59,877
Angelina Jolie... wait, in a wheelchair.

301
00:15:59,877 --> 00:16:01,879
What do you do? Go.

302
00:16:01,879 --> 00:16:05,424
Dude, Scarlett Johannsen with no arms, any day of the week.

303
00:16:05,841 --> 00:16:06,884
Yeah.

304
00:16:07,092 --> 00:16:09,845
You're right. They're delightful.

305
00:16:11,013 --> 00:16:12,472
So, Barney, you gonna sing anything?

306
00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:14,892
Nah. I'm so over karaoke.

307
00:16:14,892 --> 00:16:17,352
Really? I thought you'd be totally into it.

308
00:16:17,352 --> 00:16:21,064
Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm good. The best, really.

309
00:16:21,106 --> 00:16:25,903
But it's the greatest samurai who lets his sword rust in its scabbard.

310
00:16:25,944 --> 00:16:27,988
Oh,  baby, they have our song.

311
00:16:27,988 --> 00:16:30,199
Let's do "Don't Go Breaking My Heart."

312
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:31,408
What?

313
00:16:31,408 --> 00:16:34,244
"Don't Go Breaking My Heart." Elton John, Kiki Dee.

314
00:16:34,244 --> 00:16:37,289
No way. You got to go with some Black Sabbath.

315
00:16:37,289 --> 00:16:40,042
Well, actually, Marshall and I have this little dance routine.

316
00:16:40,042 --> 00:16:42,753
"Iron Man." I could do "Iron Man."

317
00:16:42,753 --> 00:16:43,795
Steak sauce.

318
00:16:43,795 --> 00:16:45,380
Steak sauce, dude.

319
00:16:46,423 --> 00:16:47,716
Should we tell him?

320
00:16:48,050 --> 00:16:50,469
All right, Eriksen, I've got some good news.

321
00:16:50,469 --> 00:16:54,431
On Monday, Bilson and I are going to talk to Montague in HR.

322
00:16:54,431 --> 00:16:58,435
When you graduate, we want you working with us.

323
00:16:58,560 --> 00:16:59,895
What do you say?

324
00:17:05,484 --> 00:17:07,152
- Yes!
- That's my man!

325
00:17:07,152 --> 00:17:08,445
I told you he would.

326
00:17:09,821 --> 00:17:11,865
Aw, we're gonna own the office.

327
00:17:16,328 --> 00:17:18,330
Okay, that was gross.

328
00:17:18,330 --> 00:17:21,917
When were you going to tell me you changed your entire career path?

329
00:17:21,917 --> 00:17:25,462
Nothing has changed, okay? I still want to help the environment.

330
00:17:25,462 --> 00:17:28,841
I just thought that maybe I could make some money for a few years.

331
00:17:28,841 --> 00:17:32,970
We could buy an apartment, send our kids to good schools.

332
00:17:32,970 --> 00:17:35,180
You could quit your job and focus on your painting.

333
00:17:35,180 --> 00:17:37,391
I know that you say you don't need it, but...

334
00:17:37,391 --> 00:17:40,853
I love you and I want to give it to you anyway.

335
00:17:40,853 --> 00:17:42,938
I want to give you the package.

336
00:17:42,938 --> 00:17:47,150
The package?! You've already given me the package.

337
00:17:47,150 --> 00:17:51,029
You've got a great package, Marshall. I love your package.

338
00:17:51,029 --> 00:17:57,119
Lily, you're the most incredible woman I know, and you deserve a big package.

339
00:17:57,119 --> 00:18:00,455
Your package has always been big enough.

340
00:18:00,998 --> 00:18:03,792
You may not realize this, Marshall Eriksen,

341
00:18:03,792 --> 00:18:06,712
but you've got a huge package.

342
00:18:13,093 --> 00:18:13,844
Yeah.

343
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:19,600
Hello.

344
00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:20,684
Why hasn't she called yet?

345
00:18:20,684 --> 00:18:23,478
Okay, you're making yourself crazy. It's Saturday night.

346
00:18:23,478 --> 00:18:24,605
Go out and do something.

347
00:18:24,605 --> 00:18:28,609
No, what's the point of going out? I got a girlfriend... for now.

348
00:18:28,650 --> 00:18:31,320
Besides, if I go out, who's going to watch the news? I'm, like, half your viewership.

349
00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:33,864
I'm flattered you think we have two viewers.

350
00:18:34,323 --> 00:18:37,159
She's not going to break up with you, Ted. You're awesome.

351
00:18:37,159 --> 00:18:38,368
Thanks.

352
00:18:38,577 --> 00:18:41,079
Anyway, it's almost 11:00. I should let you go.

353
00:18:41,079 --> 00:18:42,289
Break a leg.

354
00:18:42,289 --> 00:18:47,753
And so I was sitting at home, waiting for the phone to ring, something occurred to me.

355
00:18:47,961 --> 00:18:52,132
I'm actually sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring.

356
00:18:54,426 --> 00:18:57,387
He's giving you the blues

357
00:18:57,888 --> 00:19:01,517
You want to graduate, but not in his bed

358
00:19:01,517 --> 00:19:04,228
Here's what you got to do

359
00:19:04,937 --> 00:19:06,605
Pick up the phone...

360
00:19:06,605 --> 00:19:07,731
Marshall.

361
00:19:08,023 --> 00:19:09,816
Hey, hey.

362
00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:11,777
Dude, I feel like I haven't seen you in a month.

363
00:19:11,777 --> 00:19:12,778
Yeah.

364
00:19:13,403 --> 00:19:14,488
Yeah.

365
00:19:14,613 --> 00:19:15,906
How you doing?

366
00:19:16,281 --> 00:19:19,034
I think Victoria's about to break up with me.

367
00:19:19,034 --> 00:19:21,245
Oh, God, I'm sorry, man.

368
00:19:21,245 --> 00:19:26,542
Yeah, well, honestly, I'm having trouble remembering what she looks like.

369
00:19:27,209 --> 00:19:29,670
The more I try to picture her, the more I can't.

370
00:19:29,670 --> 00:19:31,296
Like, I remember how she makes me feel.

371
00:19:31,296 --> 00:19:34,675
I just... I don't completely remember her.

372
00:19:34,716 --> 00:19:37,594
It's like I'm trying to preserve something that's already gone.

373
00:19:38,053 --> 00:19:40,013
Preserving something that's already gone.

374
00:19:40,013 --> 00:19:42,057
Sounds like environmental law.

375
00:19:42,975 --> 00:19:44,351
I don't know.

376
00:19:44,518 --> 00:19:47,271
We struggle so hard to hold onto these things

377
00:19:47,271 --> 00:19:49,648
that we know are going to disappear eventually.

378
00:19:49,648 --> 00:19:51,400
And that's really noble,

379
00:19:51,567 --> 00:19:55,112
but even if you save every rainforest from being turned into a parking lot,

380
00:19:55,112 --> 00:19:58,949
well, then where are you going to park your car?

381
00:20:06,915 --> 00:20:08,458
Done dirt cheap!

382
00:20:08,458 --> 00:20:10,169
Dirty deeds

383
00:20:10,169 --> 00:20:11,879
Done dirt cheap!

384
00:20:11,879 --> 00:20:13,797
Dirty deeds

385
00:20:13,797 --> 00:20:15,507
Done dirt cheap!

386
00:20:15,507 --> 00:20:19,219
Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap, ow

387
00:20:19,219 --> 00:20:22,848
Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap...

388
00:20:23,348 --> 00:20:26,226
Uh, rockupied. Dude, what...?

389
00:20:30,147 --> 00:20:34,443
Next up, Marshmallow and Lillypad.

390
00:20:47,247 --> 00:20:49,917
Don't go breakin' my heart

391
00:20:50,959 --> 00:20:53,462
I couldn't if I tried

392
00:20:55,047 --> 00:20:58,258
Honey, if I get restless

393
00:20:58,300 --> 00:21:00,761
Baby, you're not that kind...

394
00:21:01,011 --> 00:21:03,639
It turns out some things are worth preserving.

395
00:21:03,639 --> 00:21:05,265
But here's the real question:

396
00:21:05,265 --> 00:21:08,352
It's 2:00 a.m. Your friends are still out singing karaoke,

397
00:21:08,352 --> 00:21:12,648
but you're home early 'cause you're expecting a call from your girlfriend in Germany,

398
00:21:12,648 --> 00:21:15,192
who was supposed to call four hours ago.

399
00:21:15,192 --> 00:21:17,819
And then the phone rings.

400
00:21:21,114 --> 00:21:22,115
Hello.

401
00:21:22,115 --> 00:21:24,368
Hi, Ted. It's Robin.

402
00:21:24,368 --> 00:21:28,080
Um, listen, I know it's late, but, uh,

403
00:21:28,497 --> 00:21:30,332
do you want to come over?

404
00:21:30,874 --> 00:21:33,252
What do you do? Go.

405
00:21:34,305 --> 00:21:40,802
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