1
00:00:00,221 --> 00:00:02,721
Sync by vNaru

2
00:00:12,797 --> 00:00:15,991
Her favorite CD
in the Otis Redding box set? Disk three.

3
00:00:16,087 --> 00:00:18,450
My favorite? Any guesses? Anyone?

4
00:00:18,546 --> 00:00:20,460
Come on. Disk three!

5
00:00:21,197 --> 00:00:23,943
God, Victoria's so amazing.
I could talk about her for hours.

6
00:00:24,039 --> 00:00:25,954
What do you mean could?

7
00:00:25,988 --> 00:00:27,744
I'm sorry. It's just...

8
00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:31,513
God, I'm crazy about this girl.
It feels like, maybe...

9
00:00:31,609 --> 00:00:35,595
- I don't wanna say it.
- Trust that impulse, Ted.

10
00:00:35,792 --> 00:00:38,539
Hey, something kind of cool just happened.

11
00:00:38,635 --> 00:00:40,423
My story on Pickles, the singing dog,

12
00:00:40,519 --> 00:00:44,224
just got nominated
for a Local Area Media Award.

13
00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:48,207
- A LAMA?
- We prefer Local Area Media Award.

14
00:00:49,111 --> 00:00:51,027
Um, there's gonna be this big banquet.

15
00:00:51,122 --> 00:00:52,432
I know these things aren't much fun,

16
00:00:52,528 --> 00:00:54,699
but it would really mean a lot to me
if you guys came.

17
00:00:54,795 --> 00:00:56,297
Oh, well...

18
00:00:56,393 --> 00:00:57,511
And there's an open bar.

19
00:00:57,606 --> 00:00:58,532
- Oh, yes!
- Word up!

20
00:00:58,628 --> 00:01:00,542
Put me down for two.

21
00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:02,589
- Really? It's three months away.
- I know.

22
00:01:02,684 --> 00:01:05,718
But, guys, I'm sorry, I'm gonna say it.

23
00:01:05,814 --> 00:01:10,445
I have a feeling Victoria's gonna be around
for a long time.

24
00:01:10,541 --> 00:01:12,493
I'm gonna miss Victoria.

25
00:01:12,713 --> 00:01:14,246
I should just skip this thing entirely.

26
00:01:14,342 --> 00:01:17,216
Robin is still pissed at me after,
you know...

27
00:01:17,312 --> 00:01:20,186
You lied and said you were broken up
with Victoria before you actually were,

28
00:01:20,282 --> 00:01:21,431
so you could try to nail Robin,

29
00:01:21,527 --> 00:01:24,466
and you wound up losing both girls
in one night.

30
00:01:24,561 --> 00:01:27,691
Yes, that's what I meant by, 'You know...'

31
00:01:27,787 --> 00:01:30,597
I haven't seen her in three weeks.
She won't return my calls.

32
00:01:30,693 --> 00:01:33,313
- Look, I shouldn't go.
- You should definitely go.

33
00:01:33,409 --> 00:01:34,526
Look, it's a chance to show her...

34
00:01:34,621 --> 00:01:36,346
you're still friends and that you support her.

35
00:01:36,442 --> 00:01:39,476
Or it's a chance to mess with her head
by showing up with someone hotter.

36
00:01:39,572 --> 00:01:42,702
Even better, triple threat,
hotter and bigger boobs.

37
00:01:42,798 --> 00:01:45,401
- That's only two.
- Count again.

38
00:01:45,768 --> 00:01:47,908
Barney, I'm not bringing a date
even if I wanted to.

39
00:01:48,004 --> 00:01:49,281
The thing's in two hours.

40
00:01:49,377 --> 00:01:52,667
- So get an escort.
- By escort, you mean prostitute?

41
00:01:52,763 --> 00:01:54,962
- Why not?
- Because gross?

42
00:01:55,764 --> 00:01:56,787
Oh, what, gross?

43
00:01:56,882 --> 00:01:59,661
What, you have some puritanical hang-up
about prostitution?

44
00:01:59,757 --> 00:02:03,093
Dude, it's the world's oldest profession.

45
00:02:03,206 --> 00:02:05,346
- You really think that's true?
- Oh, yeah.

46
00:02:05,441 --> 00:02:07,742
I bet even Cro-Magnons
used to give cave-hookers,

47
00:02:07,837 --> 00:02:10,073
like, an extra fish for putting out.

48
00:02:10,438 --> 00:02:13,312
Uh-huh. So, then, the oldest profession
would be fisherman. Kaboom!

49
00:02:13,408 --> 00:02:15,322
You've been lawyered.

50
00:02:16,314 --> 00:02:19,476
Come on, Ted. Let's get you a hooker.
It'll be fun.

51
00:02:19,571 --> 00:02:22,254
Okay. To bring to the banquet
and hang out with ironically...

52
00:02:22,350 --> 00:02:25,360
- or to actually have sex with?
- Yes.

53
00:02:26,502 --> 00:02:30,008
No, it's illegal. And did I mention gross?

54
00:02:30,111 --> 00:02:33,049
That's adorable.
Ted, you're such a hayseed.

55
00:02:33,145 --> 00:02:37,042
The companionship business
is the growth industry of the 21st century.

56
00:02:37,137 --> 00:02:41,545
You do realize that one out of every eight
adult women in America is a prostitute.

57
00:02:41,641 --> 00:02:42,599
- You just made that up.
- Withdrawn.

58
00:02:42,695 --> 00:02:43,653
Lawyered.

59
00:02:45,665 --> 00:02:48,675
The point is... How long has it been?

60
00:02:50,551 --> 00:02:52,466
Fifty-seven days.

61
00:02:52,979 --> 00:02:54,416
- Is that your water? May I?
- Yeah, go ahead.

62
00:02:54,512 --> 00:02:56,426
Much obliged.

63
00:02:56,524 --> 00:03:00,738
Fifty-seven days! Ted, you are in a slump.

64
00:03:00,835 --> 00:03:04,508
No, it's not a slump.
It's an intentional hiatus from girls.

65
00:03:04,604 --> 00:03:07,255
A slump is when you strike out
every time you step up to the plate,

66
00:03:07,351 --> 00:03:09,203
but I'm off the roster, baby.

67
00:03:09,298 --> 00:03:11,119
I'm in the locker room
sitting in the whirlpool.

68
00:03:11,215 --> 00:03:13,579
And I'll tell you something,
it feels pretty good.

69
00:03:13,675 --> 00:03:15,495
Yeah. You know what else
is in that locker room?

70
00:03:15,591 --> 00:03:18,601
A bunch of naked dudes hanging brain.

71
00:03:19,008 --> 00:03:23,890
Ted, you need a lady,
and I've got the next best thing. Mary.

72
00:03:23,990 --> 00:03:27,503
She lives in my building.
She's smart. She's hot. She's totally cool.

73
00:03:27,599 --> 00:03:28,877
Oh, she sounds great.

74
00:03:28,972 --> 00:03:31,400
And, who knows, maybe we will wind up
getting married someday,

75
00:03:31,495 --> 00:03:34,338
you know,
if we can get a blessing from her pimp.

76
00:03:34,434 --> 00:03:36,477
You wanna judge a fellow human being...

77
00:03:36,573 --> 00:03:39,129
based solely on
one external characteristic?

78
00:03:39,225 --> 00:03:40,854
That's racism.

79
00:03:40,949 --> 00:03:44,367
And I do not drink with racists. Good day!

80
00:03:48,423 --> 00:03:50,626
You're just waiting for me to speak,
so you can...

81
00:03:50,722 --> 00:03:52,637
I said good day!

82
00:03:54,108 --> 00:03:54,443
So should I wear my hair up or down?

83
00:03:54,538 --> 00:03:57,467
So should I wear my hair up or down?

84
00:03:58,834 --> 00:04:00,749
- Lily.
- What?

85
00:04:00,846 --> 00:04:03,656
- You okay?
- Oh, yeah. Sorry.

86
00:04:03,753 --> 00:04:05,988
I'm just exhausted from work.

87
00:04:06,084 --> 00:04:09,693
The stupid school board took away
naptime in all kindergarten classes,

88
00:04:09,789 --> 00:04:12,983
and now the kids are just going crazy
by the end of the day.

89
00:04:13,079 --> 00:04:17,677
And it's much harder to deal with
because, well, I don't get my nap.

90
00:04:17,773 --> 00:04:20,807
Oh, wait, you were taking naps
when the kids were? Is that safe?

91
00:04:20,903 --> 00:04:25,052
Oh, they're only five.
What are they gonna do to me?

92
00:04:26,419 --> 00:04:29,900
- Ted's still coming to this thing, right?
- Yep.

93
00:04:29,996 --> 00:04:34,755
Do you think, hypothetically,
it would be weird if I bring a date?

94
00:04:34,851 --> 00:04:38,875
Look at you, Scherbatsky,
blatantly trying to make Ted jealous.

95
00:04:38,971 --> 00:04:41,238
No, it's just this guy
at the station.

96
00:04:41,334 --> 00:04:44,943
I never get involved with coworkers,
but he asked me and I said yes.

97
00:04:45,039 --> 00:04:48,520
- Is it gonna be weird?
- No, it's not gonna be weird at all.

98
00:04:48,616 --> 00:04:52,129
- Robin's bringing a date.
- That's gonna be really weird.

99
00:04:52,225 --> 00:04:54,139
- I know.
- Okay.

100
00:04:55,930 --> 00:04:59,762
- Robin's bringing a date.
- Oh. Okay, that's not weird.

101
00:04:59,858 --> 00:05:02,253
She's bringing a date.
I'm glad she's moving on.

102
00:05:02,349 --> 00:05:05,096
- Dude, it's gonna be weird.
- No, it's fine.

103
00:05:05,191 --> 00:05:08,450
Look, in spite of whatever happened
between us, Robin and I are still friends.

104
00:05:08,545 --> 00:05:09,503
I don't think it'll be weird.

105
00:05:09,599 --> 00:05:11,132
- Yeah, it won't be weird.
- Thank you.

106
00:05:11,227 --> 00:05:13,336
Because you're gonna bring your own date.

107
00:05:13,432 --> 00:05:15,849
- Hello, Barney.
- Hi, Mary.

108
00:05:15,955 --> 00:05:17,869
Have you met Ted?

109
00:05:21,913 --> 00:05:24,437
- Nice to meet you, Ted.
- Hi, Mary.

110
00:05:24,532 --> 00:05:26,960
Wow! It's, uh, nice to meet you, too.

111
00:05:27,055 --> 00:05:28,620
So, we're going to an award show?

112
00:05:28,716 --> 00:05:30,249
Yep. Could you just excuse us
for one minute?

113
00:05:30,344 --> 00:05:32,197
- Barney?
- See you in two shakes, Mar.

114
00:05:32,293 --> 00:05:35,222
You two make yourselves comfortable.

115
00:05:35,934 --> 00:05:37,084
What the hell?

116
00:05:37,179 --> 00:05:39,767
Dude, your narrow-minded views
on professional fornicators...

117
00:05:39,862 --> 00:05:41,236
are harshing my mellow.

118
00:05:41,332 --> 00:05:45,068
- So, I got you a date for the evening.
- You got me a hooker.

119
00:05:45,164 --> 00:05:47,712
A really hot... A hooker!

120
00:05:48,039 --> 00:05:49,955
Think about it. This is perfect.

121
00:05:50,051 --> 00:05:52,892
A, it will make Robin insanely jealous.

122
00:05:52,988 --> 00:05:55,320
B, you get to have sex with her.

123
00:05:55,416 --> 00:05:57,587
And C, maybe by getting to know Mary,

124
00:05:57,683 --> 00:05:59,887
you'll come to see
that courtesans are people, too.

125
00:05:59,983 --> 00:06:03,773
And D, B all night long.

126
00:06:03,975 --> 00:06:06,530
I'm not taking a prostitute
to Robin's banquet.

127
00:06:06,626 --> 00:06:08,734
Dude, the only people who will know
are you, me and Marshall.

128
00:06:08,829 --> 00:06:09,820
No one will suspect a thing.

129
00:06:09,916 --> 00:06:13,460
They'll just see you with
this unbelievably smoking hot girl and...

130
00:06:13,556 --> 00:06:17,054
Okay, yeah, that's a little bit suspicious.

131
00:06:17,230 --> 00:06:20,231
Look, I'm just trying to expand
your horizons a little bit tonight.

132
00:06:20,327 --> 00:06:23,361
But if you're not interested, fine,
I'm out 500 bucks. Whatever.

133
00:06:23,457 --> 00:06:24,799
Five hundred bucks, you?

134
00:06:24,895 --> 00:06:26,809
<i>Ted, you're my cabrón.</i>

135
00:06:26,874 --> 00:06:31,059
You think I'm gonna stick you with some
toothless tranny from the Port Authority?

136
00:06:31,155 --> 00:06:34,508
Look at how hot she is.
Robin would be so jealous.

137
00:06:34,603 --> 00:06:37,542
I'm not trying
to make Robin jealous, Barney.

138
00:06:37,638 --> 00:06:42,141
Look, I... Tell Mary thanks, but no thanks.
I have a soul.

139
00:06:42,237 --> 00:06:43,802
<i>And then
your Uncle Marshall and I...</i>

140
00:06:43,897 --> 00:06:44,887
<i>had one of our famous...</i>

141
00:06:44,983 --> 00:06:47,017
<i>telepathic conversations.</i>

142
00:06:47,123 --> 00:06:49,518
<i>- Check out Robin's date.
- I know.</i>

143
00:06:49,614 --> 00:06:53,980
<i>- Is that who I think it is?
- Yep. It's Sandy Rivers.</i>

144
00:06:54,341 --> 00:06:56,960
<i>Sandy Rivers
was the face of Metro News 1,</i>

145
00:06:57,056 --> 00:07:00,026
<i>the most low-budget
cable news channel ever.</i>

146
00:07:00,122 --> 00:07:02,036
Sandy time. Sandy time!

147
00:07:02,262 --> 00:07:05,743
<i>He was best known for his morning
segment in 'Today's Paper,'</i>

148
00:07:05,839 --> 00:07:09,958
<i>during which he literally flipped through
today's paper reading it aloud to viewers.</i>

149
00:07:10,054 --> 00:07:13,727
<i>Here we have on the front page
a story about a...</i>

150
00:07:13,823 --> 00:07:18,326
<i>I guess a guy in a superhero costume
climbing the Empire State Building.</i>

151
00:07:18,422 --> 00:07:20,336
<i>Looks interesting.</i>

152
00:07:20,625 --> 00:07:23,883
<i>These idiotic filler pieces
were a guilty pleasure of ours.</i>

153
00:07:23,979 --> 00:07:26,598
Oh, which Sandy do we want today?
Uh...

154
00:07:26,694 --> 00:07:29,824
- French Sandy, porn-star Sandy...
- Yosemite Sandy, definitely.

155
00:07:29,919 --> 00:07:31,834
Excellent choice.

156
00:07:34,550 --> 00:07:38,415
<i>I raised these as a child.
I tell you it's not easy.</i>

157
00:07:41,290 --> 00:07:43,204
I love this guy.

158
00:07:43,333 --> 00:07:45,248
I hate this guy.

159
00:07:48,284 --> 00:07:50,516
- Hey. Hi.
- Hi.

160
00:07:50,615 --> 00:07:52,692
- I'm Lily.
- I'm Mary. Nice to meet you.

161
00:07:52,787 --> 00:07:55,278
Mary is a friend of Barney's.
Barney invited her.

162
00:07:55,374 --> 00:07:57,674
Just met Mary ourselves.
Don't know too much about Mary.

163
00:07:57,769 --> 00:07:59,684
Look, a beer.

164
00:08:01,634 --> 00:08:03,294
- Hey.
- Hi.

165
00:08:03,390 --> 00:08:05,466
- You look nice.
- Oh, Ted, this is Sandy.

166
00:08:05,562 --> 00:08:09,618
Hi, Sandy Rivers. Use my full name.
People get a kick out of it.

167
00:08:09,714 --> 00:08:11,881
Hi, Sandy Rivers.

168
00:08:13,131 --> 00:08:16,294
- So, are you two...
- Starting a bunch of office rumors?

169
00:08:16,389 --> 00:08:18,911
Looks that way. Looks that way.

170
00:08:20,029 --> 00:08:21,944
Oh, how rude of me.

171
00:08:22,265 --> 00:08:24,781
Robin, Sandy... Rivers,

172
00:08:25,555 --> 00:08:27,918
this is Mary, my date.

173
00:08:32,963 --> 00:08:34,177
<i>Ladies and gentlemen,</i>

174
00:08:34,273 --> 00:08:37,052
<i>welcome to the 45th annual
Local Area Media Awards.</i>

175
00:08:37,147 --> 00:08:39,031
<i>Please say hello to our host for the evening,
</i>

176
00:08:39,127 --> 00:08:43,764
<i>king of the Saturday afternoon
kung fu movie, Vampire Lou.</i>

177
00:08:47,176 --> 00:08:50,721
<i>Tonight we celebrate the very best
in broadcasting...</i>

178
00:08:50,817 --> 00:08:53,746
<i>and the triumph of the human spirit.</i>

179
00:08:54,361 --> 00:08:57,257
Man, Vampire Lou just looks great.

180
00:08:58,386 --> 00:09:01,132
I can't believe I'm on a date with a hooker.

181
00:09:01,228 --> 00:09:04,678
Yeah, I can't believe you let her and Lily
go to the ladies' room together, man.

182
00:09:04,773 --> 00:09:06,147
Secrets come out in there.

183
00:09:06,243 --> 00:09:07,488
Oh, please, how's it gonna come out?

184
00:09:07,584 --> 00:09:09,947
'Pass me a towel.
P.S. I have sex for money.'

185
00:09:10,042 --> 00:09:12,214
- Who had sex for money?
- Nobody.

186
00:09:12,310 --> 00:09:14,579
What did you guys talk about in there,
anything interesting?

187
00:09:14,674 --> 00:09:16,589
No, not really.

188
00:09:16,749 --> 00:09:20,655
We just chitchatted,
and I borrowed her lipstick.

189
00:09:21,508 --> 00:09:26,299
Yeah, why is Vampire Lou the host
of a Saturday afternoon kung fu movie?

190
00:09:26,395 --> 00:09:30,419
You know? It just makes no sense.
God, that pisses me off.

191
00:09:30,515 --> 00:09:31,697
Lily, you okay?

192
00:09:31,792 --> 00:09:35,274
Oh, yeah, I'm just tired.
And when I get tired, I get cranky.

193
00:09:35,369 --> 00:09:37,445
Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky.

194
00:09:37,541 --> 00:09:40,796
'Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky.'

195
00:09:41,693 --> 00:09:43,809
Wow. Why are you so tired?

196
00:09:44,152 --> 00:09:45,493
Well, I teach kindergarten,

197
00:09:45,589 --> 00:09:47,410
and the school board
took away my naptime...

198
00:09:47,505 --> 00:09:49,134
The kids' naptime.

199
00:09:49,230 --> 00:09:51,466
Lily, quit your job.
Work at a private school.

200
00:09:51,562 --> 00:09:52,967
You won't have to deal
with the school board,

201
00:09:53,063 --> 00:09:55,650
- and you'll make a ton more money.
- Well, guess what, Barney?

202
00:09:55,746 --> 00:09:59,100
I don't base all my life decisions
on how much money I'm gonna make,

203
00:09:59,195 --> 00:10:01,207
unlike you and sadly my fiancé.

204
00:10:01,303 --> 00:10:03,315
Well, it's just an internship
for the record for everybody...

205
00:10:03,411 --> 00:10:06,924
Yeah, because if I did sacrifice
all my values just for an easy buck,

206
00:10:07,019 --> 00:10:10,355
- what would that make me?
- A prostitute.

207
00:10:10,820 --> 00:10:12,854
Exactly. Thank you, Mary.

208
00:10:12,896 --> 00:10:17,778
- So, Mary, what do you do for a living?
- She's a paralegal.

209
00:10:18,741 --> 00:10:20,274
Yes, I'm a paralegal.

210
00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:22,811
So, Mary the paralegal.

211
00:10:22,861 --> 00:10:25,545
What does a paralegal do exactly?

212
00:10:26,374 --> 00:10:30,558
I just assist with day-to-day clerical work
in a law firm, downtown.

213
00:10:30,654 --> 00:10:34,559
- Oh, what firm?
- Douglas, O'Halloran and Stamp.

214
00:10:34,614 --> 00:10:37,380
- That's a real law firm.
- I know.

215
00:10:37,488 --> 00:10:39,402
Nice.

216
00:10:39,724 --> 00:10:42,886
- Pretty good on your feet.
- Are you flirting with me?

217
00:10:42,981 --> 00:10:46,317
- Is that allowed?
- Yes, it's encouraged.

218
00:10:47,198 --> 00:10:50,488
You know,
I wouldn't normally say this on a first date,

219
00:10:50,583 --> 00:10:53,170
but, well, considering,
I'm just gonna say it.

220
00:10:53,265 --> 00:10:55,180
You are so hot.

221
00:10:55,948 --> 00:10:58,088
- Well, thank you.
- You're welcome.

222
00:10:58,184 --> 00:11:00,994
Mary, Ted is a great guy.
You hold on to him.

223
00:11:01,090 --> 00:11:04,751
Don't let him out of your sight for a minute.

224
00:11:04,987 --> 00:11:06,903
So, Sandy, what do you do?

225
00:11:06,999 --> 00:11:08,819
Oh, wait, I know what you do.

226
00:11:08,915 --> 00:11:10,767
You're the guy
who reads the paper in the morning.

227
00:11:10,863 --> 00:11:13,705
You got me. What do you do, Ted?

228
00:11:13,801 --> 00:11:16,069
Oh, same thing as you.
I read the paper every morning.

229
00:11:16,165 --> 00:11:19,679
But then after that, I finish my coffee
and I go to my real job as an architect,

230
00:11:19,774 --> 00:11:22,169
where I make an actual contribution
to the world.

231
00:11:22,265 --> 00:11:24,437
I'm just kidding. Love your show.
You're terrific.

232
00:11:24,532 --> 00:11:27,560
Thanks. I never tire of hearing that.

233
00:11:30,474 --> 00:11:32,741
<i>Hey, you know that scene in Empire...</i>

234
00:11:32,837 --> 00:11:35,679
where they lower the helmet
onto Darth Vader's head?

235
00:11:35,774 --> 00:11:39,575
Do you think that's how Sandy
puts his hair on in the morning?

236
00:11:39,671 --> 00:11:44,015
You just insulted someone I hate
by referencing something I love.

237
00:11:44,110 --> 00:11:46,633
Damn! You just got even hotter.

238
00:11:49,508 --> 00:11:52,670
<i>And so, as the night wore on,
I started to realize...</i>

239
00:11:52,766 --> 00:11:57,892
<i>this girl, despite what she did for a living,
was kind of great.</i>

240
00:12:01,197 --> 00:12:03,111
- Hey.
- Hey.

241
00:12:03,656 --> 00:12:04,613
Mary seems nice.

242
00:12:04,709 --> 00:12:06,530
Have you kissed her yet
or are you waiting...

243
00:12:06,626 --> 00:12:09,500
until you're in a serious relationship
with someone else?

244
00:12:09,596 --> 00:12:12,535
Yeah. I've been meaning to apologize
for everything that happened.

245
00:12:12,630 --> 00:12:15,217
And just like that it's all okay. Roll credits.

246
00:12:15,313 --> 00:12:18,059
So you're gonna be mad at me forever?
What, we're not even friends now?

247
00:12:18,155 --> 00:12:20,071
- We're still friends.
- We're... Are we?

248
00:12:20,167 --> 00:12:22,083
You don't return my calls.
We never hang out.

249
00:12:22,179 --> 00:12:25,309
And now you're trying to make me jealous
by waving Edward R. Moron in my face?

250
00:12:25,405 --> 00:12:29,206
Oh, and Paralegally Blonde isn't here
in her low-cut dress to make me jealous?

251
00:12:29,301 --> 00:12:31,335
Oh, so now she's a whore?

252
00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:34,125
- What?
- You know something?

253
00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:37,062
Mary the paralegal is awesome.
And you know what else?

254
00:12:37,158 --> 00:12:38,660
I didn't come here tonight
to make you jealous.

255
00:12:38,755 --> 00:12:44,532
I came here to support you as a friend,
and frankly, I'm sick of trying.

256
00:12:46,037 --> 00:12:47,951
I like that guy.

257
00:12:51,403 --> 00:12:53,032
- Hey.
- Hey.

258
00:12:53,127 --> 00:12:54,564
What were you guys
talking about over there?

259
00:12:54,660 --> 00:12:59,515
Oh, I was, uh, just telling my friend
that I think you're awesome.

260
00:12:59,610 --> 00:13:01,525
Well, thanks.

261
00:13:01,782 --> 00:13:04,625
You know, this is one of the nicer hotels
I've ever been in.

262
00:13:04,721 --> 00:13:05,934
Oh, yeah, my friend did the remodel.

263
00:13:06,030 --> 00:13:07,627
You should see the rooms,
the views are amazing.

264
00:13:07,722 --> 00:13:11,384
Yeah? Maybe it's too bad
we don't have a room.

265
00:13:11,619 --> 00:13:14,142
Room 1506, my treat. You kids go nuts.

266
00:13:14,238 --> 00:13:16,841
Actually, don't use the minibar.

267
00:13:22,661 --> 00:13:24,737
Do it. Come on, Ted, do it.

268
00:13:24,832 --> 00:13:26,973
This is one of those things you have to do
before you turn 30.

269
00:13:27,068 --> 00:13:30,326
- Sleep with a prostitute?
- No, lose your virginity. What up!

270
00:13:30,421 --> 00:13:34,797
Statistic. Men who have had
at least one relationship with a prostitute...

271
00:13:34,892 --> 00:13:38,438
are 75% more likely
to have success in future relationships.

272
00:13:38,533 --> 00:13:39,780
- You just made that up.
- Withdrawn.

273
00:13:39,875 --> 00:13:41,950
Lawyered. Okay, three things.

274
00:13:42,046 --> 00:13:43,675
First of all, Robin's category is almost up.

275
00:13:43,771 --> 00:13:47,029
And second of all, you cannot do this.
It's wrong on every level.

276
00:13:47,125 --> 00:13:49,712
And third, I've been placing small items
in Sandy's hair all night,

277
00:13:49,808 --> 00:13:51,404
and he still hasn't noticed.

278
00:13:51,500 --> 00:13:55,557
I know I can't do this. I'm not doing this.
It's just... It's a shame. She's really cool.

279
00:13:55,652 --> 00:13:57,920
- Yeah, well... Here we go.
- All right.

280
00:13:58,016 --> 00:14:01,753
<i>Brampton for
'A Bicycle. Joy Ride or Deathtrap?'</i>

281
00:14:01,848 --> 00:14:05,617
<i>Mike Murphy
for 'Thirteen, Pregnant and Addicted.'</i>

282
00:14:05,712 --> 00:14:09,545
<i>And Robin Scherbatsky
for 'Pickles, the Singing Dog.'</i>

283
00:14:09,641 --> 00:14:12,863
<i>And the winner is Robin Scherbatsky.</i>

284
00:14:18,839 --> 00:14:20,753
Thanks.

285
00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:25,286
<i>Oh, wow. This is really a surprise.</i>

286
00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:29,794
<i>You know, it's nice to be able
to share this award with my friends.</i>

287
00:14:29,890 --> 00:14:31,135
<i>They're all here tonight.</i>

288
00:14:31,231 --> 00:14:33,753
<i>Marshall, Lily, Sandy Rivers...</i>

289
00:14:35,734 --> 00:14:37,649
<i>Barney.</i>

290
00:14:38,225 --> 00:14:42,293
<i>And that's it. Those are all my friends.
Thank you.</i>

291
00:14:48,892 --> 00:14:51,415
- Congratulations.
- Oh, thanks.

292
00:14:51,927 --> 00:14:56,401
- Um, Sandy, do you want to get a cab?
- Sure. Let's go.

293
00:14:56,781 --> 00:15:01,093
Yeah, this party is dead.
Mary, you wanna go upstairs?

294
00:15:01,157 --> 00:15:03,071
We got a room.

295
00:15:04,765 --> 00:15:08,279
<i>- Dude, what are you doing?
- What's it look like?</i>

296
00:15:08,375 --> 00:15:11,217
<i>It looks bad, is what it looks like.
You cannot do this.</i>

297
00:15:11,312 --> 00:15:14,124
<i>Marshall, she is a really cool girl
when you get to know her.</i>

298
00:15:14,219 --> 00:15:18,499
<i>- Besides, I'm trying to make Robin jealous.
- Oh, that's real mature.</i>

299
00:15:18,595 --> 00:15:21,686
<i>Marshall, what is up with you and Ted?</i>

300
00:15:21,852 --> 00:15:23,960
<i>Nothing, baby. Don't worry about it.</i>

301
00:15:24,056 --> 00:15:25,971
<i>Fine. Do what you want.</i>

302
00:15:26,483 --> 00:15:28,207
<i>Hey.</i>

303
00:15:28,303 --> 00:15:29,325
Should we go?

304
00:15:29,421 --> 00:15:31,336
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

305
00:15:32,231 --> 00:15:33,158
Thanks.

306
00:15:33,254 --> 00:15:35,737
Well, good night.

307
00:15:36,448 --> 00:15:38,362
Good night.

308
00:15:52,799 --> 00:15:54,109
So, did you and Barney ever...

309
00:15:54,205 --> 00:15:56,888
- There's not enough money in the world.
- Oh, thank God.

310
00:15:56,983 --> 00:15:57,973
Yeah.

311
00:16:01,071 --> 00:16:03,431
- Wow, so they're...
- Uh-huh.

312
00:16:04,521 --> 00:16:08,670
- Robin, where's Sandy Rivers?
- I put him in a cab.

313
00:16:08,832 --> 00:16:12,026
- So, wait, you and he aren't...
- I don't date people I work with.

314
00:16:12,122 --> 00:16:14,358
I was just trying to make Ted jealous.

315
00:16:14,454 --> 00:16:17,328
- Is he...
- He's off trying to make you jealous.

316
00:16:17,424 --> 00:16:19,376
Oh, well, good for them.

317
00:16:19,883 --> 00:16:24,354
And, you know, if Ted likes her,
she's probably pretty cool.

318
00:16:24,449 --> 00:16:27,101
<i>Lily, I know you're asleep,
but I have to tell someone this,</i>

319
00:16:27,197 --> 00:16:30,869
<i>and we tell each other everything.
So here it goes.</i>

320
00:16:30,965 --> 00:16:34,159
<i>Mary's not a paralegal. She's a prostitute.</i>

321
00:16:34,255 --> 00:16:36,169
Mary's a prostitute?

322
00:16:36,745 --> 00:16:39,105
- What?
- Barney paid for her.

323
00:16:39,844 --> 00:16:41,217
Barney, is that true?

324
00:16:41,313 --> 00:16:44,092
We were having a conversation
about prostitution.

325
00:16:44,187 --> 00:16:47,189
And then Barney calls her up,
and then she shows up at the bar,

326
00:16:47,285 --> 00:16:48,914
and now she and Ted are upstairs.

327
00:16:49,010 --> 00:16:51,214
Okay, seriously,
what is going on with Ted, lately?

328
00:16:51,310 --> 00:16:53,545
Is he having a nervous breakdown?

329
00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:57,697
You know, Barney,
for anyone else this would be a new low,

330
00:16:57,793 --> 00:17:01,291
but sadly, for you, it's just a new middle.

331
00:17:01,912 --> 00:17:04,940
Oh, my God, I used her lipstick. Oh!

332
00:17:05,489 --> 00:17:06,607
That's her napkin.

333
00:17:09,163 --> 00:17:11,877
Okay, well, I guess now
is as good a time as any.

334
00:17:11,973 --> 00:17:14,017
In keeping with tonight's award show motif,

335
00:17:14,112 --> 00:17:18,343
I'd like to announce
this evening's big twist ending.

336
00:17:20,532 --> 00:17:23,543
Vampire Lou, would you do the honors?

337
00:17:24,269 --> 00:17:27,035
'Mary is not really a prostitute.'

338
00:17:27,719 --> 00:17:30,114
- What?
- That's all, Vampire Lou. Nicely done.

339
00:17:30,209 --> 00:17:31,647
- So she's not...
- No.

340
00:17:31,743 --> 00:17:33,883
Mary is just a paralegal
who lives in my building.

341
00:17:33,979 --> 00:17:35,831
Oh! And here's the best part.

342
00:17:35,927 --> 00:17:38,003
She has no idea
that Ted thinks she's a hooker.

343
00:17:40,877 --> 00:17:45,026
Oh, come on.
If you don't laugh, it just seems mean.

344
00:17:54,769 --> 00:17:57,292
Feel kind of like Richard Gere.

345
00:17:57,612 --> 00:18:00,948
- Not shy about your looks, are you?
- No.

346
00:18:02,307 --> 00:18:05,405
You know, Mary,
I've never done this before.

347
00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:10,226
- Done what?
- You know, been on a date.

348
00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:13,675
Right.

349
00:18:13,709 --> 00:18:16,232
- Wait, you're kidding, right?
- No.

350
00:18:16,328 --> 00:18:17,989
Why, is that so odd?

351
00:18:18,084 --> 00:18:22,803
Well, Ted, I mean,
I've been going on dates since I was 15.

352
00:18:23,802 --> 00:18:25,836
God, you were just a kid.

353
00:18:26,484 --> 00:18:29,550
Well, look, let's just have a few drinks.
We'll relax...

354
00:18:29,646 --> 00:18:31,147
Yeah, that sounds great.

355
00:18:31,243 --> 00:18:34,253
I had clients riding me all day long.

356
00:18:34,820 --> 00:18:36,449
- Must be tough.
- Yeah.

357
00:18:36,544 --> 00:18:38,588
I mean, this one guy
just wouldn't leave me alone.

358
00:18:38,684 --> 00:18:40,636
I mean, talk about anal.

359
00:18:47,595 --> 00:18:49,509
Here we are.

360
00:18:52,386 --> 00:18:55,315
Okay, look. Mary, I like you a lot.

361
00:18:55,579 --> 00:18:57,688
I'm sort of amazed
at how much I like you.

362
00:18:57,783 --> 00:19:00,794
But I can't do this, you're a hooker.

363
00:19:02,669 --> 00:19:03,755
What?

364
00:19:03,851 --> 00:19:06,789
Look, maybe I'm old-fashioned,
but I'm sorry, that's a deal-breaker for me.

365
00:19:06,885 --> 00:19:09,504
I'm not gonna have sex with a prostitute.

366
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:11,514
Ted, I'm a paralegal.

367
00:19:11,867 --> 00:19:13,560
Come on, Mary,
there's no one else around.

368
00:19:13,656 --> 00:19:15,571
You're a hooker.

369
00:19:15,827 --> 00:19:18,571
No, Ted. I'm a paralegal.

370
00:19:19,341 --> 00:19:21,508
No, you're a hooker.

371
00:19:22,982 --> 00:19:25,726
No, I'm a paralegal.

372
00:19:29,592 --> 00:19:31,190
You're a paralegal.

373
00:19:35,341 --> 00:19:37,961
- That was not funny.
- Not funny, dude.

374
00:19:38,057 --> 00:19:40,091
I know. It was hilarious.

375
00:19:40,771 --> 00:19:43,901
- Why would you do that?
- I did it to prove a point.

376
00:19:43,997 --> 00:19:45,911
What point?

377
00:19:46,998 --> 00:19:49,927
Stay with me, it's gonna come to me.

378
00:19:51,087 --> 00:19:52,780
Okay, here's the point.

379
00:19:52,876 --> 00:19:54,472
You thought that Mary
was a sure thing, right?

380
00:19:54,568 --> 00:19:58,177
So what happened? She took you up
to a hotel room on the first date.

381
00:19:58,273 --> 00:20:00,956
All you have to do is be that confident
with every girl you meet...

382
00:20:01,052 --> 00:20:02,201
and your slump's over.

383
00:20:02,297 --> 00:20:05,012
So the message is,
I should treat every woman like a whore?

384
00:20:05,107 --> 00:20:07,088
Come on, dude.
You should be thanking me.

385
00:20:07,183 --> 00:20:09,004
She slapped me and stormed off.

386
00:20:09,100 --> 00:20:12,517
Can you blame her?
You called her a hooker.

387
00:20:13,156 --> 00:20:15,391
I'm sorry, dude. It was funny.

388
00:20:15,487 --> 00:20:17,340
Yeah. Well, it's getting late.

389
00:20:17,436 --> 00:20:19,352
- I should get back to my room.
- Your room?

390
00:20:19,448 --> 00:20:22,386
Yeah, that really expensive hotel room
you put on your credit card,

391
00:20:22,482 --> 00:20:25,579
never checked out.
By the way, you know what's super fun?

392
00:20:25,675 --> 00:20:28,167
Pouring Dom Perignon
down a bathtub drain.

393
00:20:28,262 --> 00:20:32,005
Well, it's almost 3:00.
Got a massage. Toodles!

394
00:20:34,298 --> 00:20:38,122
Come on.
If you don't laugh, it just seems mean.