1 00:00:01,814 --> 00:00:03,995 ..learn about relationships is that you're never done 2 00:00:04,005 --> 00:00:05,382 getting to know someone. 3 00:00:05,392 --> 00:00:07,133 Everyone has secrets. 4 00:00:07,143 --> 00:00:08,423 Some are nice. 5 00:00:08,433 --> 00:00:10,581 You know how to make crepes? 6 00:00:11,399 --> 00:00:13,072 That is so cool. 7 00:00:14,813 --> 00:00:16,675 Some aren't as nice. 8 00:00:16,685 --> 00:00:19,060 And then there was Derek, and counting you, 9 00:00:19,070 --> 00:00:21,943 - that puts the total up to-- - Oh, I got your total. 10 00:00:22,405 --> 00:00:23,830 I've been counting along. 11 00:00:25,123 --> 00:00:27,635 And some are just weird. 12 00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:30,137 You're scared of the seven dwarfs? 13 00:00:30,141 --> 00:00:31,787 Just Doc. He's creepy. 14 00:00:31,799 --> 00:00:33,653 I mean the guy went to medical school. 15 00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:36,070 What's he doing living with six coal miners? 16 00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:38,753 Oh, man! I'm so excited. I couldn't sleep last night. 17 00:00:38,767 --> 00:00:40,672 - I bet you guys couldn't either. - Why? 18 00:00:40,688 --> 00:00:42,633 Only the Gala event for the Grand Opening 19 00:00:42,645 --> 00:00:45,490 of Sharper Image's 500th store. Didn't you get my email? 20 00:00:45,507 --> 00:00:48,003 No, I blocked your address after the fourth time 21 00:00:48,017 --> 00:00:51,450 you sent me the video of the monkey sniffing his own butt. 22 00:00:51,468 --> 00:00:53,970 Come on! It's on me. I'm buying three of you foot massagers 23 00:00:53,986 --> 00:00:56,570 and one of you a nose hair trimmer. You know who you are. 24 00:00:56,886 --> 00:00:58,031 Come on, let's go. 25 00:00:58,046 --> 00:00:59,013 Okay, I'm in. 26 00:00:59,027 --> 00:01:01,320 - To the Willowbrook Mall! - To the Willowbrook Mall. 27 00:01:01,335 --> 00:01:04,270 Oh, it's at a mall? I'm not going. 28 00:01:04,285 --> 00:01:05,520 What? Why not? 29 00:01:05,536 --> 00:01:07,630 I just don't feel like going to a mall. 30 00:01:07,648 --> 00:01:09,563 We can split a Cinnabon. 31 00:01:09,575 --> 00:01:11,372 No, I'm really not going to go. 32 00:01:11,388 --> 00:01:14,270 - Come on, it'll be fun. - No, I don't go to malls! 33 00:01:15,818 --> 00:01:18,600 Sorry, I just don't like malls. 34 00:01:18,615 --> 00:01:20,240 Why not? 35 00:01:20,776 --> 00:01:22,673 I'd rather not say. 36 00:01:23,005 --> 00:01:24,823 - Sharper Images. - But that's where clothes live. 37 00:01:24,855 --> 00:01:26,923 Guys, guys, guys, Robin doesn't like malls. 38 00:01:26,935 --> 00:01:29,321 If she doesn't want to tell us why, she doesn't have to. 39 00:01:29,337 --> 00:01:31,671 I think we should all just respect her privacy. 40 00:01:31,877 --> 00:01:33,100 Thanks, Ted. 41 00:01:33,118 --> 00:01:35,350 So, what's the deal with you and malls? 42 00:01:35,366 --> 00:01:37,163 I thought you said that, if I didn't want to talk about it, 43 00:01:37,197 --> 00:01:38,312 I didn't have to. 44 00:01:38,328 --> 00:01:40,051 Yeah, with those people. 45 00:01:40,068 --> 00:01:41,941 But I'm your boyfriend. Come on. What is it? 46 00:01:41,956 --> 00:01:43,051 Did you get arrested at a mall? 47 00:01:43,086 --> 00:01:43,701 No. 48 00:01:43,716 --> 00:01:45,522 - Dumped at a mall? - Ted. 49 00:01:45,535 --> 00:01:47,631 Found out you were Canadian at a mall? 50 00:01:47,646 --> 00:01:48,613 Let it go. 51 00:01:48,628 --> 00:01:50,323 Trapped under a fake boulder at a mall? 52 00:01:50,336 --> 00:01:52,603 - Let it go. - Mauled at the mall? 53 00:01:52,615 --> 00:01:54,001 Let it go! 54 00:01:54,895 --> 00:01:58,123 And who gets trapped under a fake boulder at the mall? 55 00:01:59,095 --> 00:02:02,721 Not me in Ohio when I was nine, that's for sure. 56 00:02:19,125 --> 00:02:22,521 I don't get it. Why won't Robin tell me why she hates malls? 57 00:02:22,537 --> 00:02:24,832 Ted, you should be happy Robin has a secret. 58 00:02:24,846 --> 00:02:26,202 The more you learn about a person, 59 00:02:26,217 --> 00:02:29,460 the better chance you have of hitting the fatal "Oh" moment. 60 00:02:29,478 --> 00:02:30,590 The "Oh" moment? 61 00:02:30,606 --> 00:02:34,361 Yeah, that moment when you find out that one detail about a person 62 00:02:34,376 --> 00:02:36,472 that is going to be a deal breaker. 63 00:02:36,485 --> 00:02:38,121 It's a promise ring. 64 00:02:38,137 --> 00:02:41,651 I made a pact with God to stay a virgin till I'm married. 65 00:02:44,007 --> 00:02:45,882 I don't have an eating disorder. 66 00:02:45,897 --> 00:02:50,040 It's just when I put food in my mouth, I chew it, and then I spit it out. 67 00:02:52,106 --> 00:02:53,552 I just turned 30. 68 00:02:55,866 --> 00:02:58,442 So trust me, you want to postpone 69 00:02:58,455 --> 00:03:01,321 knowing anything about each other for as long as possible. 70 00:03:01,338 --> 00:03:04,330 Mmm. I disagree. If there is some potential "Oh" moment, 71 00:03:04,345 --> 00:03:07,152 I want to know about it right away. I mean, what's the alternative? 72 00:03:07,226 --> 00:03:10,641 I now pronounce you, man and wife. 73 00:03:12,995 --> 00:03:14,351 I love you. 74 00:03:14,387 --> 00:03:16,523 I used to be a dude. 75 00:03:18,235 --> 00:03:19,862 Yeah, I agree with Ted. 76 00:03:19,876 --> 00:03:22,821 In a real relationship, you share everything. 77 00:03:22,838 --> 00:03:25,321 That's why Marshall and I don't keep any secrets. 78 00:03:25,336 --> 00:03:27,723 You are such a cutie pie. Here's a quarter. 79 00:03:27,736 --> 00:03:29,602 Go play a song on the jukebox. 80 00:03:29,655 --> 00:03:31,883 No, it's true. They tell each other everything. 81 00:03:31,897 --> 00:03:34,823 I can think of tons of things, there's no way Marshall's told you. 82 00:03:34,836 --> 00:03:36,040 Try me. 83 00:03:37,607 --> 00:03:39,371 Do you know about the time Marshall was in Trenton? 84 00:03:39,407 --> 00:03:41,050 Donkey ate his pants. Yup. 85 00:03:41,067 --> 00:03:42,663 Bill's bachelor party in Memphis? 86 00:03:42,676 --> 00:03:45,623 Oh, when they had to pump out all the nickels from his stomach? 87 00:03:45,637 --> 00:03:47,711 Wow. Okay. Seattle. 88 00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:50,553 Trick question. Marshall's never been to the Pacific Northwest 89 00:03:50,565 --> 00:03:52,680 because he's afraid of Sasquatch. 90 00:03:52,698 --> 00:03:53,952 Damn, you're good. 91 00:03:53,968 --> 00:03:57,501 I'm not afraid of Sasquatch, I just think we should all be on alert. 92 00:03:58,216 --> 00:04:01,242 Trust me. Not only do they tell each other everything, 93 00:04:01,256 --> 00:04:03,413 they want to know everything. 94 00:04:03,427 --> 00:04:05,630 So after the shower I was brushing my teeth. And I was like, 95 00:04:05,666 --> 00:04:07,541 "Oh, man! I wanted to have some orange juice. 96 00:04:07,558 --> 00:04:08,880 I should have done that first." 97 00:04:08,896 --> 00:04:10,553 But I already had the toothpaste on the toothbrush. 98 00:04:10,586 --> 00:04:13,060 So I just went ahead and brushed them anyway. 99 00:04:13,076 --> 00:04:15,222 What happened next? 100 00:04:17,348 --> 00:04:20,030 Yeah, meanwhile, Robin tells me nothing. 101 00:04:20,077 --> 00:04:22,783 Fine. Do you want to know what Robin's secret is? 102 00:04:22,797 --> 00:04:23,871 You know? 103 00:04:23,885 --> 00:04:25,342 Of course I know. 104 00:04:25,356 --> 00:04:27,270 She couldn't look at us, her face got flushed-- 105 00:04:27,285 --> 00:04:28,922 that's shame, my friend. 106 00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:33,721 Our friend Robin used to do porn, wait for it... 107 00:04:33,827 --> 00:04:35,783 ...ography. 108 00:04:35,877 --> 00:04:38,450 Yeah, we didn't really need to wait for that. 109 00:04:38,465 --> 00:04:40,180 And it's ridiculous. 110 00:04:40,196 --> 00:04:41,701 I don't know. He could be right. 111 00:04:41,716 --> 00:04:44,403 She does have the fake orgasm noises down. 112 00:04:44,417 --> 00:04:45,191 Hey! 113 00:04:45,208 --> 00:04:46,800 What? The walls are thin. 114 00:04:46,816 --> 00:04:49,493 That's not what I'm "hey"ing you about. 115 00:04:50,008 --> 00:04:51,503 You know what it might be? 116 00:04:51,516 --> 00:04:55,453 This is going to sound a little crazy but what if Robin is married? 117 00:04:55,468 --> 00:04:58,103 Married? What does that have to do with the mall? 118 00:04:58,116 --> 00:05:00,793 Well, maybe she got married at the mall. 119 00:05:00,808 --> 00:05:02,490 Back home in Minnesota, a ton of people get married 120 00:05:02,525 --> 00:05:04,561 at the Mall of America. It's great. 121 00:05:04,576 --> 00:05:07,280 There's this gorgeous indoor golf course for pictures, 122 00:05:07,298 --> 00:05:09,793 numerous fine dining options, and talk about a reasonable-- 123 00:05:09,808 --> 00:05:12,851 - We are not getting married at the mall! - Well, just meet with the guy. 124 00:05:12,927 --> 00:05:15,522 She's not married. Robin hates marriage. 125 00:05:15,538 --> 00:05:17,951 Because she already got married. 126 00:05:17,968 --> 00:05:19,681 At the mall. 127 00:05:19,696 --> 00:05:22,851 No, because before Robin moved to New York, she... 128 00:05:23,328 --> 00:05:24,820 What was she doing? 129 00:05:24,876 --> 00:05:27,000 Well, I don't know. Whenever I ask her about Canada, 130 00:05:27,018 --> 00:05:29,202 she kind of clams up. 131 00:05:29,217 --> 00:05:31,060 She's a pretty private person. 132 00:05:31,076 --> 00:05:33,940 Except when she's talking about... 133 00:05:33,955 --> 00:05:36,502 Oh, a friend of mine in Canada got married way too young 134 00:05:36,516 --> 00:05:39,030 and it really turned her off to marriage. 135 00:05:39,045 --> 00:05:40,733 What do you think of this wedding cake? 136 00:05:40,746 --> 00:05:42,241 Oh, I like it. 137 00:05:42,255 --> 00:05:43,760 Hey, you remember that friend of mine in Canada 138 00:05:43,808 --> 00:05:45,402 who got married way too young? 139 00:05:45,417 --> 00:05:48,741 Her wedding cake was a Mrs. Fields' giant cookie. 140 00:05:50,018 --> 00:05:51,321 No. 141 00:05:53,547 --> 00:05:56,230 My friend in Canada who got married way too young, 142 00:05:56,245 --> 00:05:58,613 they had to do their vows twice, once in French. 143 00:05:58,625 --> 00:06:00,200 They speak French there, too? 144 00:06:00,213 --> 00:06:02,195 God, that place is a mess. 145 00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:06,197 So you don't think there's any "friend" from Canada? 146 00:06:06,201 --> 00:06:07,507 Oh, I'm sure there is. 147 00:06:07,519 --> 00:06:10,212 Just like I have a "friend" who wet his bed till he was ten. 148 00:06:10,225 --> 00:06:11,920 Use your brain, Ted. 149 00:06:14,746 --> 00:06:16,732 Guys, there's no way Robin is married. 150 00:06:16,747 --> 00:06:18,483 It's ludicrous to even suggest it. 151 00:06:18,497 --> 00:06:20,741 - Thank you, Barney. - 'Cause it's porn. 152 00:06:20,756 --> 00:06:22,413 I need another beer. 153 00:06:22,757 --> 00:06:25,713 Robin was not in porn. I bet you anything that she's married. 154 00:06:25,728 --> 00:06:27,311 $20,000 says it's porn. 155 00:06:27,328 --> 00:06:28,652 I don't have $20,000. 156 00:06:28,667 --> 00:06:30,551 Well, then what do you have? 157 00:06:31,248 --> 00:06:33,121 - Well... - No. 158 00:06:33,876 --> 00:06:36,572 I've got it. The ultimate wager-- 159 00:06:36,588 --> 00:06:37,861 slap bet. 160 00:06:37,877 --> 00:06:40,103 Oh, slap bet. We used to do those when I was a kid. 161 00:06:40,117 --> 00:06:41,421 What the hell's a slap bet? 162 00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:43,412 Whoever is right gets to slap the other person in the face 163 00:06:43,446 --> 00:06:45,703 as hard as they possibly can-- but no rings. 164 00:06:45,715 --> 00:06:48,393 Are you really going to do that? That's so immature. 165 00:06:48,405 --> 00:06:51,111 - You can be Slap Bet Commissioner. - Ooh, I love it. What are my powers? 166 00:06:51,146 --> 00:06:54,183 Um, if a problem arises and we need a ruling, that's your job. 167 00:06:54,197 --> 00:06:55,973 But you have to be unbiased 168 00:06:55,987 --> 00:06:59,232 and put the integrity of slap bet above all else. 169 00:06:59,245 --> 00:07:01,971 This is an honor you will take with you to your grave. 170 00:07:01,988 --> 00:07:03,710 On your tombstone, it will read, 171 00:07:03,725 --> 00:07:07,050 "Lily Aldrin, caring wife, loving friend, 172 00:07:07,067 --> 00:07:09,043 Slap Bet Commissioner." 173 00:07:09,618 --> 00:07:13,890 And your tombstone will read "Got slapped by Marshall, so hard he died." 174 00:07:15,395 --> 00:07:19,413 Okay. What if I just ask Robin point blank if she has a husband? 175 00:07:19,428 --> 00:07:21,520 You said you would respect her privacy, 176 00:07:21,535 --> 00:07:23,710 so maybe you should just drop it. 177 00:07:23,897 --> 00:07:25,593 Yeah, you're right. 178 00:07:27,495 --> 00:07:28,932 Husband. 179 00:07:30,496 --> 00:07:32,472 There's no "P" in husband. 180 00:07:32,485 --> 00:07:35,472 Wow, you seem to know a lot about husbands. 181 00:07:35,928 --> 00:07:38,013 Fine. I'll take it back. 182 00:07:38,298 --> 00:07:41,072 Oh, hey, since you mentioned husbands, this is great, you're going to love this. 183 00:07:41,107 --> 00:07:43,703 Marshall, you know Marshall. He thinks that the reason 184 00:07:43,715 --> 00:07:45,242 you didn't want to go to the mall the other day 185 00:07:45,278 --> 00:07:49,371 is because you got married at a mall and have a husband in Canada. 186 00:07:50,746 --> 00:07:53,143 I told him he's crazy. Because he's crazy, right? 187 00:07:53,158 --> 00:07:55,583 I mean, how crazy is that? 188 00:07:55,907 --> 00:07:57,912 Are you asking me if I'm married? 189 00:07:57,927 --> 00:07:59,192 Well, you can ask me. 190 00:07:59,206 --> 00:08:01,332 Nope, I'm not married. Your turn. 191 00:08:01,345 --> 00:08:03,450 What happened to respecting my privacy? 192 00:08:03,467 --> 00:08:06,121 Look, just say, "No, I'm not married." 193 00:08:06,138 --> 00:08:07,950 Ted, I don't understand why you can't-- 194 00:08:07,966 --> 00:08:10,510 Just say, "No, I'm not married." 195 00:08:10,527 --> 00:08:12,162 I can't. 196 00:08:12,318 --> 00:08:14,182 Marshall's right. 197 00:08:16,276 --> 00:08:18,980 I was young and I got married. 198 00:08:18,995 --> 00:08:20,961 It was a mistake and he moved away, but... 199 00:08:20,977 --> 00:08:23,801 yeah. I'm married. 200 00:08:33,087 --> 00:08:34,752 You have a husband? 201 00:08:34,768 --> 00:08:36,693 I was young and stupid 202 00:08:36,706 --> 00:08:39,970 and we got married at a mall and we broke up at a mall 203 00:08:39,985 --> 00:08:42,733 and I... I haven't been to a mall since. 204 00:08:42,745 --> 00:08:44,102 Why didn't you get divorced? 205 00:08:44,118 --> 00:08:46,573 He moved to Hong Kong for work and I was like... 206 00:08:46,585 --> 00:08:47,991 eh, good enough. 207 00:08:48,007 --> 00:08:50,210 Good enough? That's not good enough. 208 00:08:50,227 --> 00:08:53,321 You order pancakes, you get waffles, that's good enough. 209 00:08:53,335 --> 00:08:56,520 Look, I haven't seen him in years. 210 00:08:56,535 --> 00:08:59,382 It's just a part of my life I want to forget. 211 00:08:59,908 --> 00:09:02,681 Just please don't tell anyone about this. 212 00:09:03,737 --> 00:09:05,392 Okay. 213 00:09:08,508 --> 00:09:10,943 Dude, your hand is monstrous. 214 00:09:10,957 --> 00:09:13,661 Yeah, well, what'd you expect? You've seen my penis. 215 00:09:15,195 --> 00:09:17,930 I can't believe you told us Robin's secret. 216 00:09:17,945 --> 00:09:20,511 What? How could I keep something like that to myself? 217 00:09:20,525 --> 00:09:21,873 And you begged me to tell you. 218 00:09:21,888 --> 00:09:23,333 No, I didn't. 219 00:09:23,775 --> 00:09:26,380 Please tell us. Just tell us. I'm begging you. 220 00:09:26,396 --> 00:09:28,593 Tell us. Tell us. Tell us. Please please please-- 221 00:09:28,606 --> 00:09:31,093 Fine. Robin's married. 222 00:09:33,017 --> 00:09:35,183 Yeah, well, you still shouldn't have told us. 223 00:09:35,197 --> 00:09:37,103 I mean, what kind of boyfriend are you? 224 00:09:37,115 --> 00:09:39,120 See that's just it, I'm not the boyfriend. 225 00:09:39,136 --> 00:09:40,542 I'm the mistress. 226 00:09:40,555 --> 00:09:41,991 No, not the mistress. 227 00:09:42,006 --> 00:09:43,490 The mastress. 228 00:09:43,506 --> 00:09:45,043 The master. What do you call it? 229 00:09:45,058 --> 00:09:47,151 Uh, pretty sure we're going to call it mistress. 230 00:09:48,156 --> 00:09:51,350 What am I going to do? My girlfriend's married. 231 00:09:51,368 --> 00:09:52,901 Do I ask her to get a divorce? 232 00:09:52,918 --> 00:09:56,083 Ted, even if she is married, it's a Canadian marriage. 233 00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:58,151 It's like their money, or their army. 234 00:09:58,168 --> 00:10:00,212 Nobody takes it seriously. 235 00:10:00,225 --> 00:10:01,410 It's serious to me. 236 00:10:01,426 --> 00:10:03,322 You know what, in some countries, if you been separated 237 00:10:03,356 --> 00:10:06,071 for longer than five years, technically, you're no longer married. 238 00:10:06,087 --> 00:10:08,630 I can check it out at the law library at school. 239 00:10:10,755 --> 00:10:13,562 I can see my hand print on your face. 240 00:10:13,735 --> 00:10:16,291 Don't get too cocky, Slappy. 241 00:10:16,306 --> 00:10:19,363 I just got a shipment of porn from Canada I have to go through. 242 00:10:19,378 --> 00:10:21,370 I won the bet. Why are you still searching? 243 00:10:21,388 --> 00:10:23,183 Just because you were right doesn't mean I'm wrong. 244 00:10:23,215 --> 00:10:26,541 Oh, right, like you need an excuse to watch porn. 245 00:10:26,587 --> 00:10:28,792 Canadian porn. 246 00:10:28,805 --> 00:10:31,342 Trust me when I tell you their universal health care system 247 00:10:31,356 --> 00:10:33,790 doesn't cover breast implants. 248 00:10:33,875 --> 00:10:36,793 If I have to sit through one more flat-chested Nova Scotian 249 00:10:36,806 --> 00:10:39,082 riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni 250 00:10:39,095 --> 00:10:41,563 I'll go out of my mind. 251 00:10:44,617 --> 00:10:46,350 - Hey. - Hey. 252 00:10:46,606 --> 00:10:48,552 Listen, dude, I got to talk to you, 253 00:10:48,566 --> 00:10:51,723 but you got to promise me that you won't tell Barney. 254 00:10:51,738 --> 00:10:54,243 Fine, I won't tell Barney. What is it? 255 00:10:55,515 --> 00:10:58,002 - Robin's not married. - What? 256 00:10:58,017 --> 00:10:59,500 Why would she tell me she was? 257 00:10:59,516 --> 00:11:01,660 I don't know, but I cross- checked every record in Canada. 258 00:11:01,698 --> 00:11:03,551 There's no record of her ever being married. 259 00:11:03,568 --> 00:11:04,691 There must be some mistake. 260 00:11:04,705 --> 00:11:06,512 I promise you. She's not married. 261 00:11:06,527 --> 00:11:08,871 She's not great at parking legally either. 262 00:11:09,318 --> 00:11:12,742 So she lied to me? W--What am I going to do? 263 00:11:12,758 --> 00:11:15,782 I-I can't confront her, 'cause then she'll know I told you. 264 00:11:16,417 --> 00:11:18,071 You got to lawyer her. 265 00:11:18,088 --> 00:11:20,631 You got to ask her a bunch of questions, try to trip her up, 266 00:11:20,648 --> 00:11:22,223 maybe make her feel guilty, whatever it takes 267 00:11:22,258 --> 00:11:24,063 to get a confession out of her. 268 00:11:25,225 --> 00:11:27,401 Thanks for telling me your secret. 269 00:11:27,416 --> 00:11:29,873 It means so much to me, that you could be so-- 270 00:11:29,888 --> 00:11:31,721 God, what's the word I'm looking for? 271 00:11:31,805 --> 00:11:32,881 Honest. 272 00:11:32,895 --> 00:11:34,682 Mm, thanks, Ted. 273 00:11:34,697 --> 00:11:36,830 Yeah. You know what's probably the best part about your honesty? 274 00:11:36,865 --> 00:11:38,700 How truthful it is. 275 00:11:39,035 --> 00:11:40,821 I say we just move on. 276 00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:43,970 Well, for me to get total closure on this whole 277 00:11:43,985 --> 00:11:46,282 "my girlfriend has a husband" thing, 278 00:11:46,295 --> 00:11:47,953 I think I might need a little bit more information, 279 00:11:47,985 --> 00:11:49,892 like what month did you get married? 280 00:11:49,906 --> 00:11:51,742 June. We had a June wedding. 281 00:11:51,755 --> 00:11:54,101 Ah, Canada in June. 282 00:11:54,116 --> 00:11:55,932 That's the dream. 283 00:11:56,875 --> 00:11:58,770 Sit-down or buffet? 284 00:11:59,418 --> 00:12:02,551 Well, it's... weird that you don't remember. 285 00:12:02,566 --> 00:12:04,732 No, I just didn't know how to answer 286 00:12:04,745 --> 00:12:07,692 because we did butlered hors d'oeuvres in the atrium, 287 00:12:07,705 --> 00:12:10,730 but the actual dinner was a buffet in the Food Court 288 00:12:10,746 --> 00:12:14,133 featuring a filet mignon or a roasted potato-crusted salmon 289 00:12:14,145 --> 00:12:16,872 with a lobster scallion beurre blanc. 290 00:12:20,197 --> 00:12:21,351 Band or DJ? 291 00:12:21,366 --> 00:12:23,532 A string quartet played at the ceremony, 292 00:12:23,545 --> 00:12:26,541 but for the actual reception, we had a seven-piece band. 293 00:12:26,558 --> 00:12:28,300 We paid extra for the sax 294 00:12:28,315 --> 00:12:31,850 'cause I just love that smooth alto sound. 295 00:12:31,866 --> 00:12:33,541 - How many bridesmaids? - Seven. 296 00:12:33,556 --> 00:12:34,861 - Flowers? - Azaleas. 297 00:12:34,878 --> 00:12:37,162 - Color scheme? - Dusty rose and sienna. 298 00:12:37,176 --> 00:12:38,963 Husband's name. 299 00:12:41,416 --> 00:12:43,200 - You were never married! - Yes, I was. 300 00:12:43,216 --> 00:12:45,140 - No, you weren't. - How do you know? 301 00:12:45,158 --> 00:12:46,541 I looked it up at the library. 302 00:12:46,556 --> 00:12:50,131 - What library? - The one on Fifth. 303 00:12:50,146 --> 00:12:52,050 - When did you go? - Today at lunch, 304 00:12:52,065 --> 00:12:54,100 and I had an apple brie panini with potato salad... 305 00:12:54,118 --> 00:12:56,340 I'm not questioning the lunch part, Ted. 306 00:12:56,358 --> 00:12:57,951 What database did you use? 307 00:12:57,966 --> 00:13:02,692 I used the Canadian Mall Marriage 6000. 308 00:13:03,668 --> 00:13:05,571 Fine, Marshall looked it up at school. 309 00:13:05,585 --> 00:13:07,721 - You told Marshall?! - You lied to me! 310 00:13:07,738 --> 00:13:09,631 See, this is why I don't tell people secrets. 311 00:13:09,646 --> 00:13:12,192 You were supposed to be the one person I trusted the most 312 00:13:12,207 --> 00:13:13,873 and even you couldn't keep a secret. 313 00:13:13,888 --> 00:13:15,202 But it was a fake secret. 314 00:13:15,216 --> 00:13:17,483 Yeah, I was testing you and you failed. 315 00:13:17,495 --> 00:13:19,871 And now you're never gonna know why I don't go to the mall. 316 00:13:19,887 --> 00:13:21,890 And it's good, too. 317 00:13:21,905 --> 00:13:23,793 You were testing me? That's insane. 318 00:13:23,805 --> 00:13:26,572 Oh, yeah? How long did it take for you to tell Marshall 319 00:13:26,588 --> 00:13:29,423 my biggest secret in the world? Five minutes? 320 00:13:29,436 --> 00:13:32,292 - That wasn't a real secret! - Yeah, but it could have been. 321 00:13:32,307 --> 00:13:33,650 You are driving me crazy! 322 00:13:33,708 --> 00:13:35,571 No wonder your fake husband moved to Hong Kong. 323 00:13:35,586 --> 00:13:37,840 He moved there for business. 324 00:13:39,445 --> 00:13:40,581 You. 325 00:13:40,597 --> 00:13:42,331 You got something to say to me? 326 00:13:42,567 --> 00:13:44,152 What are you talking about? 327 00:13:44,166 --> 00:13:47,193 I know Robin was never really married. 328 00:13:47,408 --> 00:13:50,120 How could you possibly know that? 329 00:13:53,896 --> 00:13:57,381 And then I put on my pajamas and got into bed. 330 00:13:57,417 --> 00:13:58,992 How about you? 331 00:13:59,225 --> 00:14:02,341 Oh, let's see, uh, first I took the subway to school. 332 00:14:02,355 --> 00:14:03,642 Then I got a bagel. 333 00:14:03,658 --> 00:14:06,012 Then I went to the library and found out Robin was never married. 334 00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:07,142 Crazy. 335 00:14:07,158 --> 00:14:09,252 Then I was hungry again, so I went down to the vending machine, 336 00:14:09,287 --> 00:14:12,422 but by the time I got down there, I wasn't even hungry anymore. 337 00:14:13,708 --> 00:14:15,800 - You told him? - I had to. 338 00:14:15,815 --> 00:14:18,153 I'm Slap Bet Commissioner. 339 00:14:18,168 --> 00:14:21,263 Believe me, this hurts me more than it's gonna hurt you. 340 00:14:21,278 --> 00:14:24,193 Don't count on it. I've been practicing on a tree trunk. 341 00:14:24,885 --> 00:14:27,711 - Barney gets three slaps. - Three? 342 00:14:27,725 --> 00:14:31,771 One because you lied and two for being prematurely slapped. 343 00:14:31,785 --> 00:14:32,911 Three slaps. 344 00:14:32,927 --> 00:14:34,012 But-- 345 00:14:38,057 --> 00:14:39,922 Oh, my God. 346 00:14:39,935 --> 00:14:42,462 - Are you gonna cry? - No. 347 00:14:42,557 --> 00:14:44,471 You're gonna cry. 348 00:14:46,517 --> 00:14:49,831 I just don't think it's healthy to keep big secrets in a relationship. 349 00:14:49,845 --> 00:14:51,752 My parents didn't really talk to each other for 30 years 350 00:14:51,786 --> 00:14:52,863 and now they're divorced. 351 00:14:52,875 --> 00:14:54,671 I have shared more of myself with you 352 00:14:54,685 --> 00:14:56,781 than I've ever shared with anyone. 353 00:14:56,795 --> 00:14:58,932 I'm asking for this one secret, 354 00:14:58,948 --> 00:15:02,712 which has nothing to do with us, to just be mine. 355 00:15:04,806 --> 00:15:07,383 So I just got a very interesting phone call. 356 00:15:07,395 --> 00:15:08,813 What are you talking about? 357 00:15:08,825 --> 00:15:10,602 I know Robin's secret. 358 00:15:10,617 --> 00:15:12,231 - What? - That's right. 359 00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,003 I know your secret, Robin. 360 00:15:14,018 --> 00:15:17,812 Or should I say Robin Sparkles? 361 00:15:18,166 --> 00:15:19,733 How do you know that name? 362 00:15:19,747 --> 00:15:21,623 Because I know the truth, 363 00:15:21,638 --> 00:15:24,210 and I am about to show it to you right now. 364 00:15:24,226 --> 00:15:25,923 Gather 'round, Ted, you're gonna want to see this. 365 00:15:25,958 --> 00:15:27,383 Yeah, no, I don't. 366 00:15:27,396 --> 00:15:28,311 What? 367 00:15:28,327 --> 00:15:30,842 Robin wants to keep this a secret, so... 368 00:15:30,856 --> 00:15:32,620 it's gonna stay a secret. 369 00:15:32,867 --> 00:15:35,402 Yeah, it's not gonna stay a secret. 370 00:15:35,415 --> 00:15:36,780 You see, in my research, 371 00:15:36,796 --> 00:15:39,170 I came upon a certain gentleman in Malaysia 372 00:15:39,188 --> 00:15:41,950 who is in possession of a certain videotape. 373 00:15:41,966 --> 00:15:44,243 He just emailed me that it will be up and running 374 00:15:44,258 --> 00:15:47,762 on My Space in about... right now. 375 00:15:48,758 --> 00:15:52,442 Robin's world is about to be turned upside-down. 376 00:15:52,456 --> 00:15:53,963 I mean, I'm guessing. 377 00:15:53,978 --> 00:15:55,113 Barney, don't, okay? 378 00:15:55,127 --> 00:15:57,213 Robin, please don't panic. 379 00:15:57,228 --> 00:15:59,240 I'm only gonna show enough to prove to Marshall I was right. 380 00:15:59,276 --> 00:16:01,502 No, Barney, I said we're not watching this. 381 00:16:01,517 --> 00:16:03,302 No, it's time. 382 00:16:03,406 --> 00:16:05,162 Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do, 383 00:16:05,176 --> 00:16:08,580 but if it's out there, there's no point in trying to hide it anymore. 384 00:16:09,057 --> 00:16:11,373 Let's just watch it and be done with it. 385 00:16:11,507 --> 00:16:13,702 Are you as terrified as I am? 386 00:16:14,068 --> 00:16:16,613 I don't want to get slapped again. 387 00:16:18,818 --> 00:16:21,542 I want to stress that I was young. 388 00:16:21,558 --> 00:16:22,750 Yeah, you were. 389 00:16:22,767 --> 00:16:24,120 And I didn't know any better. 390 00:16:24,137 --> 00:16:25,683 They never do. 391 00:16:25,698 --> 00:16:28,340 And it started out as an innocent modeling job. 392 00:16:28,356 --> 00:16:30,373 It always does. 393 00:16:31,197 --> 00:16:33,140 Please, Mr. Johnson. 394 00:16:33,157 --> 00:16:35,522 I'm sorry I was a bad girl. 395 00:16:35,538 --> 00:16:38,190 Please don't give me detention. 396 00:16:38,535 --> 00:16:43,132 Isn't there something I can do to make it up to you? 397 00:16:46,547 --> 00:16:48,620 Oh, my God. 398 00:16:48,637 --> 00:16:50,632 Well, obviously, I've been proven right, 399 00:16:50,647 --> 00:16:52,690 so in the interest of Robin's dignity, 400 00:16:52,706 --> 00:16:53,963 I won't show anymore. 401 00:16:53,978 --> 00:16:56,770 Plus, it's getting late. It's already slap o'clock. 402 00:16:58,206 --> 00:16:59,771 What the hell was that? 403 00:16:59,785 --> 00:17:02,510 Uh, I slap bet Marshall that you did porn, so I win. 404 00:17:02,525 --> 00:17:06,473 Porn? I wish it was porn. It would be less embarrassing. 405 00:17:07,587 --> 00:17:09,040 I know. 406 00:17:09,056 --> 00:17:12,693 How about I sing you a song? 407 00:17:18,896 --> 00:17:21,872 Let's go to the mall, everybody! 408 00:17:27,755 --> 00:17:31,140 I was a teenage pop star in Canada. 409 00:17:31,745 --> 00:17:33,753 # Put on your jelly bracelets # 410 00:17:33,768 --> 00:17:35,803 # And your cool graffiti coat # 411 00:17:35,815 --> 00:17:37,442 # At the mall, having fun # 412 00:17:37,457 --> 00:17:40,502 # Is what it's all about # 413 00:17:40,515 --> 00:17:43,841 This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. 414 00:17:43,856 --> 00:17:45,753 - That's you? - Yes. 415 00:17:45,765 --> 00:17:47,600 I had one minor hit. 416 00:17:47,617 --> 00:17:51,622 I had to go all over Canada and sing this song in malls. 417 00:17:51,636 --> 00:17:55,791 For a whole year, I lived off of Orange Juliuses and Wetzel's Pretzels. 418 00:17:55,806 --> 00:17:59,440 # Everybody come and play # 419 00:17:59,457 --> 00:18:03,640 # Throw every last care away # 420 00:18:03,658 --> 00:18:06,920 # Let's go to the mall # 421 00:18:06,936 --> 00:18:08,923 # Today # 422 00:18:09,596 --> 00:18:13,033 If this is the '90s, why does it look like 1986? 423 00:18:13,046 --> 00:18:16,782 The '80s didn't come to Canada till, like, '93. 424 00:18:17,508 --> 00:18:21,631 Taking a break from the first of many, many viewings, 425 00:18:21,646 --> 00:18:24,201 I can't help but notice that this isn't porn. 426 00:18:24,217 --> 00:18:27,010 And yet, a slap occurred without the permission 427 00:18:27,025 --> 00:18:29,051 of the Slap Bet Commissioner. 428 00:18:29,065 --> 00:18:32,740 Looks like somebody suffered from premature slapulation. 429 00:18:32,777 --> 00:18:34,261 Oh, my God, Robin's rapping. 430 00:18:34,277 --> 00:18:35,582 Guys, Robin's rapping. 431 00:18:35,595 --> 00:18:37,440 # Went to the mall with # # a couple of friends # 432 00:18:37,455 --> 00:18:39,783 # I had a whole week's # # allowance to spend # 433 00:18:39,996 --> 00:18:42,063 Okay, I'm going to give you a choice. 434 00:18:42,077 --> 00:18:44,703 Either ten slaps right now in a row, 435 00:18:44,716 --> 00:18:47,243 or five slaps that can be doled out 436 00:18:47,256 --> 00:18:50,802 at any point from here to eternity. 437 00:18:50,878 --> 00:18:52,230 You go with the ten now. 438 00:18:52,247 --> 00:18:54,210 No way, why get ten when you can get five? 439 00:18:54,227 --> 00:18:56,243 Yeah, but the constant fear of knowing that at any moment, 440 00:18:56,276 --> 00:18:58,000 you could get slapped in the face, would drive you crazy. 441 00:18:58,037 --> 00:18:59,650 I'm going to go with the five for eternity. 442 00:18:59,685 --> 00:19:02,271 - Good call. - Horrible call. 443 00:19:03,867 --> 00:19:06,203 Relax, dude, I'm just going for my soda, man. 444 00:19:06,218 --> 00:19:07,093 Take it easy. 445 00:19:07,108 --> 00:19:09,032 This is going to be fun. 446 00:19:10,708 --> 00:19:12,081 # Let's go to the mall # 447 00:19:12,185 --> 00:19:14,783 # Let's go to the mall # 448 00:19:14,796 --> 00:19:16,483 # Today # 449 00:19:16,638 --> 00:19:18,673 So just to be clear, 450 00:19:18,686 --> 00:19:22,773 you wanted everybody to go to the mall today? 451 00:19:24,075 --> 00:19:26,763 Wow, we're going to watch this a lot. 452 00:19:26,785 --> 00:19:30,093 I can't believe I ever wore a Bedazzled jean jacket. 453 00:19:30,215 --> 00:19:31,713 Hey, just so you know, 454 00:19:31,727 --> 00:19:34,410 16-year-old me would have been all over you. 455 00:19:34,426 --> 00:19:37,581 You could have been the girlfriend in Canada I told everyone I had. 456 00:19:37,667 --> 00:19:40,412 Hey, uh, I'm really sorry I pried this out of you. 457 00:19:40,428 --> 00:19:42,331 I probably should have left it alone. 458 00:19:42,718 --> 00:19:44,292 You know what? 459 00:19:44,306 --> 00:19:46,112 You know me better now. 460 00:19:46,875 --> 00:19:48,770 That feels kind of nice. 461 00:19:55,195 --> 00:19:56,911 That's one. 462 00:20:01,108 --> 00:20:05,020 # Everybody come and play # 463 00:20:05,035 --> 00:20:08,593 # Throw every last care away # 464 00:20:08,607 --> 00:20:09,472 Wow. 465 00:20:09,488 --> 00:20:12,410 # Let's go to the mall # 466 00:20:12,428 --> 00:20:14,183 # Today # 467 00:20:14,198 --> 00:20:15,823 Did you have to laugh like that every time? 468 00:20:15,858 --> 00:20:17,213 Yes. 469 00:20:17,576 --> 00:20:19,522 # This boy I like # 470 00:20:19,537 --> 00:20:21,350 # Met him at the food court # 471 00:20:21,366 --> 00:20:22,852 # He's got hair like Gretzky # 472 00:20:22,866 --> 00:20:25,403 # And he does jumps # # on his skateboard # 473 00:20:25,418 --> 00:20:27,511 # I hope he asks me out # 474 00:20:27,528 --> 00:20:29,392 # Take me to my favorite spot # 475 00:20:29,405 --> 00:20:31,030 # It'll be just him and me # 476 00:20:31,047 --> 00:20:34,153 # But don't forget the robot # 477 00:20:34,245 --> 00:20:36,560 The robot. Hey! 478 00:20:37,897 --> 00:20:40,613 # But, baby # # I don't want to wait # 479 00:20:40,628 --> 00:20:41,351 # Let's do it # 480 00:20:41,366 --> 00:20:42,941 No, she doesn't want to wait. 481 00:20:42,958 --> 00:20:44,892 # I'm gonna rock # # your body anyway # 482 00:20:44,907 --> 00:20:47,543 # I'm gonna rock your # # body till Canada Day # 483 00:20:49,036 --> 00:20:53,010 # Everybody come and play # 484 00:20:53,025 --> 00:20:56,850 # Throw every last care away # 485 00:20:56,868 --> 00:21:00,433 # Let's go to the mall # 486 00:21:00,448 --> 00:21:05,190 # Today, today, today, today # 487 00:21:05,518 --> 00:21:07,433 # Let's go to the mall # 488 00:21:07,448 --> 00:21:09,392 # Let's go to the ma-a-all # 489 00:21:09,408 --> 00:21:11,273 # Let's go to the mall # 490 00:21:11,285 --> 00:21:13,311 # Let's go to the ma-a-all # 491 00:21:13,325 --> 00:21:15,170 # Let's go to the mall # 492 00:21:15,186 --> 00:21:17,262 # Let's go to the ma-a-all # 493 00:21:17,277 --> 00:21:19,200 # Let's go to the mall # 494 00:21:19,215 --> 00:21:21,333 # Let's go to the ma-a-all # 495 00:21:21,347 --> 00:21:23,300 # Let's go to the mall # 496 00:21:23,315 --> 00:21:25,352 # Let's go to the ma-a-all # 497 00:21:25,367 --> 00:21:27,221 # Let's go to the mall # 498 00:21:27,236 --> 00:21:29,621 # Let's go to the ma-a-all # 499 00:21:29,636 --> 00:21:33,371 # Today # 500 00:21:34,167 --> 00:21:38,042 Transcript : Raceman Subtitles : Willow's Team www.forom.com 0 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net