1 00:00:01,738 --> 00:00:04,885 Kids, there's nothing more wonderful than New York City in the winter 2 00:00:05,371 --> 00:00:07,052 ... except the view of New York City 3 00:00:07,052 --> 00:00:08,835 in the winter through your apartment window. 4 00:00:09,481 --> 00:00:10,813 In the winter of 2006, 5 00:00:10,963 --> 00:00:12,796 Marshall, Lily, Robin and I were all deep 6 00:00:12,863 --> 00:00:14,429 in couple hibernation mode. 7 00:00:14,846 --> 00:00:17,180 Sadly, this left Uncle Barney out in the cold. 8 00:00:17,496 --> 00:00:18,596 Okay. 9 00:00:18,613 --> 00:00:19,762 All-night rave, 10 00:00:19,763 --> 00:00:21,363 abandoned tire factory in Newark. 11 00:00:21,630 --> 00:00:23,430 We're on the list. Who's in? 12 00:00:23,496 --> 00:00:25,296 -Nope. -No. 13 00:00:27,237 --> 00:00:28,229 Private jet. 14 00:00:28,230 --> 00:00:29,531 Teeterboro Airport, 15 00:00:29,597 --> 00:00:31,164 skinny-skydiving. Who's in? 16 00:00:31,230 --> 00:00:32,364 -Nope. -No, thanks. 17 00:00:34,413 --> 00:00:35,680 One beer. 18 00:00:35,781 --> 00:00:36,914 Bar, downstairs, 19 00:00:37,128 --> 00:00:39,025 15 second walk. Who's in? 20 00:00:39,026 --> 00:00:40,219 Shh... 21 00:00:40,326 --> 00:00:42,360 (whispering): Lily went sleepy-bye. 22 00:00:45,090 --> 00:00:45,892 It got so bad, Barney 23 00:00:45,893 --> 00:00:48,282 tried to be his own wingman. Hi. 24 00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:49,998 Have you met me? 25 00:00:52,282 --> 00:00:54,949 Finally, he decided to bring in reinforcements. 26 00:00:55,015 --> 00:00:56,115 ALL: No. 27 00:00:56,182 --> 00:00:58,915 Yes. And do you know why? 28 00:00:58,982 --> 00:01:02,216 Hang on to your bedsores, grandparents from Willy Wonka, 29 00:01:02,582 --> 00:01:03,651 because guess who's 30 00:01:03,601 --> 00:01:05,668 on his way up to this apartment right now? 31 00:01:05,691 --> 00:01:08,325 My... wait for it... 32 00:01:08,783 --> 00:01:11,149 brother, James. React. 33 00:01:11,215 --> 00:01:12,382 ALL: Hey! 34 00:01:12,449 --> 00:01:13,349 You have a brother? 35 00:01:13,416 --> 00:01:15,216 Yeah. He's the "awesome-est," 36 00:01:15,282 --> 00:01:16,482 most best "looking-est," 37 00:01:16,549 --> 00:01:17,782 greatest guy ever. 38 00:01:18,148 --> 00:01:20,149 He's exactly like Barney. 39 00:01:20,215 --> 00:01:21,698 That's what I just said. 40 00:01:22,399 --> 00:01:24,683 Well, Barney and his brother aren't exactly alike. 41 00:01:25,130 --> 00:01:26,130 James is gay. 42 00:01:26,681 --> 00:01:27,681 Really? 43 00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:28,551 I never in a million years 44 00:01:28,601 --> 00:01:31,160 would I picture you with a gay brother, that's awesome. 45 00:01:31,161 --> 00:01:31,920 Yeah. I just wanted you 46 00:01:31,921 --> 00:01:33,486 to have a heads up, so you don't 47 00:01:33,487 --> 00:01:34,888 act all surprised when he gets here. 48 00:01:35,836 --> 00:01:36,853 Okay. Here he is. 49 00:01:39,421 --> 00:01:41,421 What up, New York. 50 00:01:43,985 --> 00:01:45,334 Thanks for the heads up. 51 00:02:01,203 --> 00:02:02,818 we did it never come up 52 00:02:02,818 --> 00:02:04,785 that Barney has a gay, black brother? 53 00:02:05,629 --> 00:02:06,752 Is he black? 54 00:02:07,132 --> 00:02:08,385 I guess I'm the kind of person that focuses 55 00:02:08,435 --> 00:02:09,570 on who people are on the inside 56 00:02:09,620 --> 00:02:11,820 rather than the color of their skin. 57 00:02:12,186 --> 00:02:14,453 I'm kidding, I just wanted to see your face. 58 00:02:15,453 --> 00:02:17,186 Yeah, so now the wedding's back on. 59 00:02:17,253 --> 00:02:18,787 Anyway, James, how have you been? 60 00:02:18,854 --> 00:02:20,420 Awesome, as per "yoozh." 61 00:02:20,487 --> 00:02:21,987 I just went skinny-skydiving. 62 00:02:22,153 --> 00:02:23,186 Legendary. 63 00:02:23,453 --> 00:02:24,587 And my laser tag team, 64 00:02:24,654 --> 00:02:26,021 just made it to regional finals. 65 00:02:26,137 --> 00:02:27,637 "Legendarier." 66 00:02:27,954 --> 00:02:29,069 And by now you've 67 00:02:29,070 --> 00:02:31,104 noticed the suit-- go 'head, touch it. 68 00:02:31,171 --> 00:02:33,436 Handcrafted by Pietro Dellacamera, 69 00:02:34,144 --> 00:02:37,835 Milan's famous 101-year-old tailor 70 00:02:37,885 --> 00:02:41,079 who upon completing the very last stitch in this suit 71 00:02:41,079 --> 00:02:42,161 dropped dead, 72 00:02:42,161 --> 00:02:45,838 which is ironic because that is how gorgeous look in it. C'mon. 73 00:02:51,291 --> 00:02:52,509 Gimme five. 74 00:02:52,825 --> 00:02:54,492 Is "gimme five" back? Oh, yeah. 75 00:02:54,558 --> 00:02:56,342 I put it in my blog this morning. 76 00:02:56,659 --> 00:02:58,842 Guys, "gimme five" is back! 77 00:02:59,109 --> 00:03:01,291 -Oh, James, this is my girlfriend, Robin. -Hey. 78 00:03:01,558 --> 00:03:03,366 -It's so nice to meet you. -You, too. 79 00:03:03,367 --> 00:03:05,967 So, I have to ask, there's a story here. 80 00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:08,175 BOTH (snickering): Please. 81 00:03:08,757 --> 00:03:11,166 The truth is, Barney and James got a lot of... 82 00:03:11,266 --> 00:03:13,643 different explanations from their mom over the years. 83 00:03:13,643 --> 00:03:15,699 Well, boys, you look different 84 00:03:15,759 --> 00:03:17,742 because when I was pregnant with you, 85 00:03:17,759 --> 00:03:19,826 I only ate vanilla ice cream. 86 00:03:19,943 --> 00:03:21,876 And when I was pregnant with you, 87 00:03:21,943 --> 00:03:23,976 can you guess what kind of ice cream I ate? 88 00:03:24,043 --> 00:03:26,310 Coffee? No, James, 89 00:03:26,375 --> 00:03:28,475 I ate chocolate ice cream. 90 00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,509 But I did drink tons of coffee 91 00:03:30,576 --> 00:03:32,009 when I was pregnant with both of you. 92 00:03:32,398 --> 00:03:34,098 Can't smoke without my coffee. 93 00:03:35,243 --> 00:03:38,909 I don't know, boys, I guess it's just one of those things. 94 00:03:40,109 --> 00:03:41,642 Stop asking me! 95 00:03:41,709 --> 00:03:42,876 You know what you two are? 96 00:03:42,943 --> 00:03:44,443 You're little racists! 97 00:03:44,909 --> 00:03:46,409 So what are you guys gonna do tonight? 98 00:03:46,676 --> 00:03:48,076 I'll tell you what James is gonna do. 99 00:03:48,143 --> 00:03:50,143 He's gonna do the job you've been neglecting. 100 00:03:50,210 --> 00:03:51,909 And, as always, he'll do it 101 00:03:51,976 --> 00:03:53,542 a lot better than you ever did. 102 00:03:54,138 --> 00:03:54,921 Ted... 103 00:03:55,409 --> 00:03:58,109 James is my wingman now. 104 00:03:58,975 --> 00:04:00,042 Okay. 105 00:04:01,109 --> 00:04:02,626 Last time James was in town, 106 00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:04,622 Barney got slapped once, 107 00:04:04,632 --> 00:04:06,200 lucky twice, and... 108 00:04:06,265 --> 00:04:07,999 whose penthouse hot tub did you end up in? 109 00:04:08,066 --> 00:04:10,100 Ah, public figure, confidentiality agreement. 110 00:04:10,166 --> 00:04:11,365 But I will say this: 111 00:04:11,942 --> 00:04:13,842 way more back hair than any guy 112 00:04:14,009 --> 00:04:16,076 who can afford laser hair removal should have. 113 00:04:16,762 --> 00:04:18,180 And then there was the time they.. 114 00:04:18,280 --> 00:04:20,650 scored the brother/sister combo. 115 00:04:20,842 --> 00:04:22,881 It was everything we ever dreamed of when watching 116 00:04:22,931 --> 00:04:24,164 Donnie and Marie. 117 00:04:24,304 --> 00:04:26,120 She was a little bit country. 118 00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:28,738 He was a little bit way into black guys. 119 00:04:28,954 --> 00:04:32,254 Yeah, Barney and James together was a lethal combination. 120 00:04:32,321 --> 00:04:34,753 Since there was never any crossover in targets, 121 00:04:34,820 --> 00:04:37,454 James was always there for Barney with the assist. 122 00:04:41,353 --> 00:04:42,621 (mimics skidding): Whoa. 123 00:04:43,036 --> 00:04:44,237 Your scarf... 124 00:04:44,478 --> 00:04:46,094 it is fierce! 125 00:04:46,486 --> 00:04:47,954 Thanks. H & M. 126 00:04:48,020 --> 00:04:49,353 What? I would never know, 127 00:04:49,420 --> 00:04:51,987 'cause it is so hot that my eyes are melting. 128 00:04:52,154 --> 00:04:53,737 Oh, I can't see. 129 00:04:54,054 --> 00:04:56,353 Hey! You know, speaking of things 130 00:04:56,461 --> 00:04:58,031 that would look good wrapped around you, 131 00:04:58,271 --> 00:05:00,536 have you met my straight brother, Barney? 132 00:05:00,650 --> 00:05:02,929 Oh, he is fab-- don't you go nowhere-- 133 00:05:02,979 --> 00:05:04,579 "ulous." Okay? 134 00:05:05,438 --> 00:05:07,138 And Barney always returned the favor. 135 00:05:07,838 --> 00:05:09,271 Help, I don't think he's breathing. 136 00:05:09,288 --> 00:05:10,655 Does anyone know mouth-to-mouth? 137 00:05:10,921 --> 00:05:12,222 Oh, my God, I do! 138 00:05:13,271 --> 00:05:15,205 Okay, great. How 'bout you instead? 139 00:05:16,705 --> 00:05:18,771 Oh, man, I am so excited that you're here! 140 00:05:18,838 --> 00:05:20,604 It has been forever since I have been around 141 00:05:20,621 --> 00:05:22,454 anyone even remotely fun. 142 00:05:22,621 --> 00:05:24,172 Uh, yes offense. 143 00:05:25,725 --> 00:05:27,055 You guys are still going out with us tonight, right? 144 00:05:27,072 --> 00:05:27,938 No. 145 00:05:28,005 --> 00:05:28,971 Jammies. I don't think so. 146 00:05:29,038 --> 00:05:30,712 Tonight? It's after 9:00, and... 147 00:05:31,475 --> 00:05:33,455 I have warm soup belly. 148 00:05:33,477 --> 00:05:35,910 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Guys... 149 00:05:36,271 --> 00:05:39,371 you are young, attractive people here 150 00:05:39,438 --> 00:05:41,304 in the greatest city on earth. 151 00:05:41,371 --> 00:05:43,038 There are boys and girls 152 00:05:43,105 --> 00:05:45,638 in Nobody Cares, Wyoming, wishing they could be here. 153 00:05:45,705 --> 00:05:47,638 But instead, they are in someone's basement 154 00:05:47,705 --> 00:05:49,638 drinking bad malt liquor, debating 155 00:05:49,705 --> 00:05:51,838 whether or not they're going to spend their Saturday night 156 00:05:51,905 --> 00:05:53,304 in the parking lot of the feed store 157 00:05:53,371 --> 00:05:55,271 or in some other dude's basement. 158 00:05:55,741 --> 00:05:57,038 You owe it to them 159 00:05:57,088 --> 00:05:59,654 to rise up and shimmy your lazy asses 160 00:05:59,721 --> 00:06:01,587 into something hot, and you go out there 161 00:06:01,654 --> 00:06:03,520 and you live their dream! 162 00:06:03,587 --> 00:06:04,654 Can I get a "hell, yeah"? 163 00:06:04,721 --> 00:06:06,120 Hell, yeah! Hell, yeah! 164 00:06:06,187 --> 00:06:07,787 -Can I get a "hell, yeah"? -Hell, yeah! 165 00:06:07,854 --> 00:06:09,920 -Can I get a "woo-woo"? -Woo-woo! 166 00:06:09,921 --> 00:06:10,921 Go do it for Wyoming! 167 00:06:10,988 --> 00:06:12,554 (excited screams) Yes! 168 00:06:13,221 --> 00:06:14,704 Testify! 169 00:06:15,755 --> 00:06:17,519 So that night, Barney got his wish. 170 00:06:18,020 --> 00:06:18,837 We all went out. 171 00:06:18,854 --> 00:06:20,488 Daddy's home! 172 00:06:21,054 --> 00:06:22,054 Yeah. 173 00:06:24,787 --> 00:06:26,320 All right, bro. What do you like? 174 00:06:26,387 --> 00:06:28,454 Guy in super tight black T? 175 00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:30,253 Super tight black guy? 176 00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:31,754 Guy who looks like Mr. T? 177 00:06:31,821 --> 00:06:33,187 Mmm, yes, yes, and... 178 00:06:33,253 --> 00:06:35,320 talk to me after two martinis. 179 00:06:35,387 --> 00:06:37,120 Let's focus on you, my man. 180 00:06:37,637 --> 00:06:39,054 I'm feeling lazy. 181 00:06:39,270 --> 00:06:40,988 How about girl with the chocolatini? 182 00:06:41,054 --> 00:06:43,520 Oh... boom, back tattoo. 183 00:06:44,387 --> 00:06:46,153 Hero and the pig? Let's ride. 184 00:06:46,220 --> 00:06:47,520 Fo' 'sho. 185 00:06:49,721 --> 00:06:52,337 Damn baby, nice tramp stamp! 186 00:06:52,754 --> 00:06:53,988 Get off me, you pig! 187 00:06:54,054 --> 00:06:55,287 Hey! Her body art 188 00:06:55,354 --> 00:06:56,721 is not an invitation to grope her, 189 00:06:56,787 --> 00:06:58,721 it's an expression of her inner self. 190 00:06:58,787 --> 00:07:00,220 I'm sure, in many ways, she is 191 00:07:00,287 --> 00:07:02,253 the dolphin encircled by flowers. 192 00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:04,454 What? What? What? What? 193 00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:06,120 Cool. 194 00:07:08,621 --> 00:07:10,554 -Let me know if he bothers you again. -Thanks. 195 00:07:10,571 --> 00:07:12,120 You should stay close... 196 00:07:12,483 --> 00:07:13,487 just in case. 197 00:07:13,554 --> 00:07:15,821 Sure. If it'll make you feel safer. 198 00:07:17,002 --> 00:07:17,939 I'm Barney. 199 00:07:18,613 --> 00:07:21,519 Now, kids, when you're out at a noisy, crowded bar, 200 00:07:21,734 --> 00:07:24,001 you can always tell the difference between the singles 201 00:07:24,527 --> 00:07:26,007 and the couples. 202 00:07:26,095 --> 00:07:27,694 You just have to look for the signs. 203 00:07:29,236 --> 00:07:30,054 Break. Boiling hot. 204 00:07:30,074 --> 00:07:32,257 Singles stay on their feet for maneuverability. 205 00:07:32,307 --> 00:07:33,708 Hey! Hi, how are ya? 206 00:07:33,775 --> 00:07:36,174 BOTH: Have you met my brother? 207 00:07:37,274 --> 00:07:39,574 Oh, hello. Have a drink. 208 00:07:39,641 --> 00:07:41,042 Nice to meet ya. 209 00:07:43,841 --> 00:07:46,780 Couples, exhausted by the sheer act of leaving the house, 210 00:07:46,780 --> 00:07:49,094 are obsessed with finding a place to sit down. 211 00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:52,262 There are a lot of other indicators, too. 212 00:07:52,813 --> 00:07:54,630 From choice of social lubricant... 213 00:07:54,797 --> 00:07:55,996 Woo! Wow! 214 00:07:56,513 --> 00:07:58,313 ...to basic body language. 215 00:07:58,880 --> 00:07:59,894 But the point is, 216 00:07:59,991 --> 00:08:03,130 there are many ways to tell whether someone has Single Stamina 217 00:08:03,347 --> 00:08:04,613 or Couples Coma. 218 00:08:04,663 --> 00:08:06,263 I wish I would've worn sneakers. 219 00:08:06,468 --> 00:08:09,271 I just got finished running from some fat, hairy guy 220 00:08:09,321 --> 00:08:11,565 who was periscoping out of his pleather pants. 221 00:08:11,734 --> 00:08:14,061 Permission to come aboard denied. 222 00:08:14,641 --> 00:08:16,057 I miss my jammies. 223 00:08:16,282 --> 00:08:18,434 I can't believe I wore a bra for this. 224 00:08:18,484 --> 00:08:21,417 Bras suck. They're so confining and unnatural. 225 00:08:21,484 --> 00:08:23,085 Yeah, they're like a boobie zoo. 226 00:08:24,086 --> 00:08:25,344 Well, why don't you take it off then 227 00:08:25,394 --> 00:08:26,271 and let those puppies breathe? 228 00:08:26,271 --> 00:08:28,354 Oh, please go sweat on someone else. 229 00:08:29,514 --> 00:08:30,329 Poor guy. 230 00:08:31,048 --> 00:08:32,614 Poor guy? Poor my boobs. 231 00:08:32,681 --> 00:08:34,614 Well, it takes a lot of guts to approach 232 00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:36,147 a girl and you just crushed him. 233 00:08:36,514 --> 00:08:39,381 Oh, yeah, yeah. He looks all broken up inside. 234 00:08:40,215 --> 00:08:43,145 Whatever, you guys have no idea what it's like to be on the receiving end. 235 00:08:43,195 --> 00:08:45,295 "Oh, poor me. 236 00:08:45,345 --> 00:08:46,741 I'm a pretty girl and 237 00:08:46,791 --> 00:08:48,557 everybody everywhere wants to buy me 238 00:08:48,581 --> 00:08:49,881 drinks and have sex with me." 239 00:08:50,048 --> 00:08:51,347 Waa. 240 00:08:51,414 --> 00:08:54,115 "Oh, poor me. I get to order yummy, pink drinks 241 00:08:54,182 --> 00:08:56,182 "with chunks of real fruit that guys secretly like, 242 00:08:56,248 --> 00:08:57,815 but can't order because they'll be made fun of." 243 00:08:57,881 --> 00:08:59,982 Dude. They're delicious! 244 00:09:00,347 --> 00:09:02,848 Excuse me. Join me in a shot? 245 00:09:02,915 --> 00:09:04,648 Oh, no thanks. I've had enough. 246 00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:09,670 He's too in shape, 247 00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:12,732 we'd spend all night talking about his body fat content. 248 00:09:13,448 --> 00:09:16,081 Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go have 249 00:09:16,447 --> 00:09:18,414 a yummy, pink drink with fruit in it... 250 00:09:18,481 --> 00:09:19,714 because I can. 251 00:09:21,872 --> 00:09:23,881 You know, that was, like, the third hot guy 252 00:09:23,948 --> 00:09:25,314 that James blew off tonight. 253 00:09:25,481 --> 00:09:27,282 Yeah, he's turning down shots, 254 00:09:27,347 --> 00:09:29,431 he's yawning, he's whining about his feet. 255 00:09:29,748 --> 00:09:31,014 He's as bad as we are. 256 00:09:31,381 --> 00:09:32,414 He is. 257 00:09:32,481 --> 00:09:34,015 Wait, he's exactly as bad as we are. 258 00:09:34,081 --> 00:09:35,763 You guys don't think that James is... 259 00:09:36,399 --> 00:09:37,527 in a relationship? 260 00:09:37,548 --> 00:09:40,114 No. There's no way. He's Barney's brother. 261 00:09:40,381 --> 00:09:41,448 Look at that. 262 00:09:42,964 --> 00:09:44,875 He's texting! (all gasping) 263 00:09:45,706 --> 00:09:46,852 TED: Oh, my God! 264 00:09:47,347 --> 00:09:48,681 He is in a couple. 265 00:09:48,748 --> 00:09:50,614 This is gonna kill Barney. 266 00:09:50,681 --> 00:09:51,881 What's gonna kill me? 267 00:09:52,781 --> 00:09:53,998 What's going on? 268 00:09:54,614 --> 00:09:55,898 B-Barney? 269 00:09:57,098 --> 00:09:58,513 Have you noticed anything... 270 00:09:58,514 --> 00:10:00,414 different about James? 271 00:10:00,481 --> 00:10:01,665 No. 272 00:10:01,669 --> 00:10:04,584 I mean, he's glowing from his peel, if that's what you mean. 273 00:10:06,475 --> 00:10:08,642 We have reason to believe that James is, 274 00:10:08,748 --> 00:10:10,581 uh, maybe hiding something from you. 275 00:10:10,648 --> 00:10:12,714 I-I know you're not gonna like hearing this, but... 276 00:10:12,781 --> 00:10:13,748 Barney... 277 00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:16,514 your brother is... 278 00:10:17,381 --> 00:10:19,048 (whispering): monogamous. 279 00:10:20,503 --> 00:10:22,387 That's ridiculous! 280 00:10:22,731 --> 00:10:24,697 Just because he's a little sleepy, 281 00:10:25,048 --> 00:10:26,081 and he hasn't had sex 282 00:10:26,148 --> 00:10:28,348 with anyone in a bathroom stall... 283 00:10:28,915 --> 00:10:29,914 Huh. 284 00:10:30,181 --> 00:10:33,548 He hasn't had sex with anyone in a bathroom stall. 285 00:10:33,614 --> 00:10:35,581 And, Barney... 286 00:10:36,183 --> 00:10:37,121 I hate to be the one 287 00:10:37,171 --> 00:10:41,006 to tell you this, but... he's texting. 288 00:10:41,203 --> 00:10:42,216 No, he... 289 00:10:42,266 --> 00:10:43,104 No! 290 00:10:45,338 --> 00:10:46,238 That... 291 00:10:46,405 --> 00:10:48,138 is impossible. 292 00:10:51,385 --> 00:10:54,764 Excuse... Ex... 293 00:10:55,742 --> 00:10:56,641 Hey, bro. 294 00:10:56,642 --> 00:10:58,149 Don't change the subject. 295 00:10:58,269 --> 00:10:59,552 Let me see your phone. 296 00:10:59,709 --> 00:11:00,237 Why? 297 00:11:00,238 --> 00:11:01,328 I just want to see your phone. 298 00:11:01,378 --> 00:11:02,097 Let me see your phone. 299 00:11:02,147 --> 00:11:04,040 No, it's just a phone. It's just a phone! 300 00:11:04,090 --> 00:11:06,842 And it's got Internet access, and it's got a camera on it, 301 00:11:06,909 --> 00:11:08,151 and you can surf the Web and do the whole thing. 302 00:11:08,201 --> 00:11:10,379 It's so amazing how far technology has come. 303 00:11:10,542 --> 00:11:11,909 What kind of phone do you have? 304 00:11:11,976 --> 00:11:13,575 I got... 305 00:11:18,042 --> 00:11:18,909 Who is this? 306 00:11:19,159 --> 00:11:21,943 And the answer better be: "I don't remember his name." 307 00:11:24,052 --> 00:11:25,681 That is Tom. 308 00:11:26,976 --> 00:11:28,607 He is my fiancee. 309 00:11:39,010 --> 00:11:40,392 I don't support this. 310 00:11:40,810 --> 00:11:41,854 Gay marriage? 311 00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:44,343 Not gay marriage-- marriage! 312 00:11:44,410 --> 00:11:45,343 (shivers) 313 00:11:45,410 --> 00:11:47,044 How can you do this? 314 00:11:47,111 --> 00:11:49,888 We were raised in the same house, with the same values! 315 00:11:50,446 --> 00:11:51,133 Believe me, 316 00:11:51,183 --> 00:11:53,176 I fought this for a long time. 317 00:11:53,443 --> 00:11:54,977 Come on, it's embarrassing. 318 00:11:56,027 --> 00:11:56,768 Look, 319 00:11:57,053 --> 00:11:58,990 this felt unnatural to me, too, at first. 320 00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:00,957 But I fell in love. 321 00:12:01,608 --> 00:12:04,036 And Tom and I realized you can't fight love. 322 00:12:04,077 --> 00:12:05,310 Oh, God. 323 00:12:05,376 --> 00:12:06,810 Is that what you two do together? 324 00:12:06,877 --> 00:12:09,111 You sit around the house and talk about love? 325 00:12:09,177 --> 00:12:10,911 I think... (groans) I'm gonna be sick. 326 00:12:11,377 --> 00:12:13,044 Okay, okay, look, 327 00:12:13,111 --> 00:12:15,111 I need you to wrap your head around this, okay? 328 00:12:15,177 --> 00:12:16,510 Because it is happening. 329 00:12:17,610 --> 00:12:19,544 And I want you to be my best man. 330 00:12:19,810 --> 00:12:20,711 What? 331 00:12:21,176 --> 00:12:22,243 No way. 332 00:12:27,397 --> 00:12:29,308 Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. 333 00:12:33,910 --> 00:12:35,910 I hope you change your mind. 334 00:12:41,376 --> 00:12:42,376 Two beers, one shot. 335 00:12:42,443 --> 00:12:44,844 Oh, it's a freaking epidemic. 336 00:12:46,744 --> 00:12:47,927 (giggling) 337 00:12:49,044 --> 00:12:51,665 Oh, sweetie! Did you make that for me? 338 00:12:53,771 --> 00:12:54,771 Yes. 339 00:12:57,085 --> 00:12:57,748 Clam Bake. 340 00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:59,443 Staten Island. Who's in? 341 00:13:00,759 --> 00:13:02,783 Okay, I didn't have high hopes for that one. 342 00:13:03,574 --> 00:13:05,026 Okay, here's my thing. 343 00:13:05,077 --> 00:13:06,577 If gay guys start getting married, 344 00:13:06,944 --> 00:13:08,777 then suddenly the whole world's gonna be doing it. 345 00:13:08,844 --> 00:13:09,965 That's how it works. 346 00:13:09,965 --> 00:13:11,431 They start something, then six months later, 347 00:13:11,677 --> 00:13:12,910 everyone follows. 348 00:13:13,463 --> 00:13:15,829 Like now everyone gets manicures. 349 00:13:15,968 --> 00:13:17,189 I don't get manicures. 350 00:13:17,243 --> 00:13:19,044 Okay, then like how... 351 00:13:19,111 --> 00:13:20,610 Like getting your chest waxed. 352 00:13:20,677 --> 00:13:22,010 (gasps): You get your chest waxed? 353 00:13:22,077 --> 00:13:23,443 You know what I mean! 354 00:13:24,410 --> 00:13:26,177 Gay marriage is going to cause 355 00:13:26,243 --> 00:13:28,577 single life, as we know it, to die out. 356 00:13:29,132 --> 00:13:32,061 Think of how the American family will be strengthened. 357 00:13:32,276 --> 00:13:33,864 Barney, I'm sorry you're upset, 358 00:13:33,914 --> 00:13:35,680 but you got to suck it up and be a man about this. 359 00:13:35,944 --> 00:13:36,911 No. 360 00:13:37,030 --> 00:13:39,399 It's always been me and him together, 361 00:13:39,449 --> 00:13:43,083 being awesome, while the rest of you walked two-by-two 362 00:13:43,177 --> 00:13:45,211 onto your ark of sexless boredom. 363 00:13:46,110 --> 00:13:47,734 Just because James is getting married 364 00:13:47,777 --> 00:13:49,276 doesn't mean things are going to change. 365 00:13:49,743 --> 00:13:50,411 Yeah. 366 00:13:50,412 --> 00:13:52,245 Like things haven't changed with you people. 367 00:13:54,111 --> 00:13:56,044 Look, my sister married a guy I didn't like. 368 00:13:56,111 --> 00:13:58,577 Sandals and socks-- come on, buddy. 369 00:13:58,643 --> 00:14:00,894 But I took her out, we celebrated. 370 00:14:00,910 --> 00:14:02,226 It was the right thing to do. 371 00:14:02,243 --> 00:14:03,477 You got to support him. 372 00:14:05,910 --> 00:14:07,394 You're right, Ted. 373 00:14:07,910 --> 00:14:10,110 This is a cause for celebration. 374 00:14:10,577 --> 00:14:13,891 We need to take him out and celebrate the commitment 375 00:14:13,941 --> 00:14:15,975 he and Tom are about to make. 376 00:14:16,177 --> 00:14:17,777 (dance music playing) 377 00:14:18,744 --> 00:14:19,777 Yeah. 378 00:14:19,844 --> 00:14:21,677 This is where we're celebrating the commitment 379 00:14:21,744 --> 00:14:23,310 that Tom and I are about to make? 380 00:14:23,376 --> 00:14:24,610 What? Yeah! 381 00:14:24,977 --> 00:14:27,643 See, that cage represents your commitment. 382 00:14:31,276 --> 00:14:32,576 (giggling) 383 00:14:33,443 --> 00:14:34,457 Oh, my God. 384 00:14:34,507 --> 00:14:37,080 Freedom has never tasted so delicious. 385 00:14:37,366 --> 00:14:38,342 Hey. 386 00:14:38,604 --> 00:14:39,625 You work out? 387 00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:41,510 I do. 388 00:14:41,577 --> 00:14:43,176 And thank you for noticing. 389 00:14:43,177 --> 00:14:44,177 You're obviously 390 00:14:44,243 --> 00:14:45,543 in very good shape yourself. 391 00:14:45,610 --> 00:14:46,761 Well, I try. 392 00:14:47,276 --> 00:14:48,376 So you want to dance? 393 00:14:49,384 --> 00:14:51,563 You know what? I'm very flattered, and objectively, 394 00:14:51,613 --> 00:14:54,509 you're a very attractive man, but this is actually my ??? 395 00:14:54,510 --> 00:14:55,877 I'm sorry. 396 00:14:55,944 --> 00:14:57,543 You know, I saw your drink and I... 397 00:14:57,610 --> 00:14:59,077 No, no, this isn't my drink. 398 00:14:59,144 --> 00:15:00,477 This is hers. 399 00:15:00,543 --> 00:15:02,610 No, it isn't. 400 00:15:02,677 --> 00:15:03,810 Whatever. 401 00:15:03,877 --> 00:15:04,910 How 'bout you? 402 00:15:04,977 --> 00:15:07,010 Oh, I'm straight, too. 403 00:15:07,077 --> 00:15:08,910 But I thank you for your time, 404 00:15:08,977 --> 00:15:11,610 and I appreciate your interest in my body. 405 00:15:13,893 --> 00:15:14,744 You see that? 406 00:15:14,810 --> 00:15:17,111 Being hit on doesn't have to be terrible. 407 00:15:17,127 --> 00:15:20,094 I feel flattered, and everyone left with their dignity. 408 00:15:20,211 --> 00:15:22,477 (giggling) 409 00:15:22,543 --> 00:15:24,410 Hey, I really like your sweater. 410 00:15:24,477 --> 00:15:25,177 Wow. 411 00:15:25,343 --> 00:15:26,977 You actually do, don't you? 412 00:15:27,044 --> 00:15:28,010 You're not checking out 413 00:15:28,077 --> 00:15:29,577 my boobs or anything. 414 00:15:29,643 --> 00:15:31,643 My name's Gay Ken, what do you think? 415 00:15:32,137 --> 00:15:33,510 I love this place! 416 00:15:33,625 --> 00:15:35,302 Let's dance! And not be groped! 417 00:15:35,343 --> 00:15:37,376 Whoo! Thank you. 418 00:15:39,877 --> 00:15:40,810 Damn. 419 00:15:40,877 --> 00:15:42,193 Thank you! 420 00:15:43,510 --> 00:15:45,343 We're hot totally. 421 00:15:45,410 --> 00:15:46,577 (James laughing) 422 00:15:46,643 --> 00:15:48,324 And then Tom says to the dealer 423 00:15:48,374 --> 00:15:52,289 that the handmade Georgian clock has a chip on the corner. 424 00:15:52,339 --> 00:15:54,326 Blam, we get that puppy half price. 425 00:15:54,376 --> 00:15:55,443 What up?! 426 00:15:55,510 --> 00:15:56,643 Bam! (laughing) 427 00:15:57,836 --> 00:16:01,437 Sounds like you really rocked that arts and crafts fair. 428 00:16:01,487 --> 00:16:02,743 Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. 429 00:16:02,744 --> 00:16:04,149 Hey, oh, my God. 430 00:16:04,150 --> 00:16:07,671 Thisis so liberating, being able to talk about this to you. 431 00:16:07,957 --> 00:16:09,482 I cannot wait for you to meet Tom. 432 00:16:09,562 --> 00:16:12,006 And I cannot wait for you to meet my good friend... 433 00:16:12,161 --> 00:16:13,168 this guy. 434 00:16:13,944 --> 00:16:16,144 Excuse me, do you know anyone who would like to buy 435 00:16:16,211 --> 00:16:18,944 my incredibly muscular, fun, large-handed brother a drink? 436 00:16:19,010 --> 00:16:21,643 Eh, eh, eh, let's focus on you, Barnaby. 437 00:16:21,710 --> 00:16:23,576 Okay. (imitating radar beeping) 438 00:16:24,343 --> 00:16:24,917 All right. 439 00:16:24,918 --> 00:16:28,002 I spy a group of women who have let their defenses down 440 00:16:28,027 --> 00:16:29,360 because they are in a gay club. 441 00:16:29,977 --> 00:16:31,177 You see that chick right there? 442 00:16:31,744 --> 00:16:33,276 She looks like she'd fall for 443 00:16:33,343 --> 00:16:34,594 sports agent and football player. 444 00:16:35,010 --> 00:16:36,177 Okay, I'm in. 445 00:16:36,243 --> 00:16:37,177 Which one am I? 446 00:16:37,243 --> 00:16:38,076 (laughing) 447 00:16:38,243 --> 00:16:39,243 Please. 448 00:16:41,343 --> 00:16:42,410 He's very shy, 449 00:16:42,427 --> 00:16:43,660 loves tennis and Brazil, 450 00:16:43,677 --> 00:16:45,011 and drops his pants after three dirty martinis. 451 00:16:45,177 --> 00:16:46,177 Now go, man, go! 452 00:16:51,944 --> 00:16:55,110 I just never thought I'd see Barney so vulnerable. 453 00:16:55,111 --> 00:16:56,777 Well, I guess no one wants to feel like 454 00:16:56,794 --> 00:16:57,694 they're going through the world alone. 455 00:16:58,010 --> 00:17:00,443 Look at me, in a yummy sandwich! 456 00:17:00,610 --> 00:17:02,610 Okay, we're actually right in the middle 457 00:17:02,677 --> 00:17:03,810 of something right now, so... 458 00:17:03,877 --> 00:17:06,493 Ooh, I know what I want to be in the middle of. Thoughts? 459 00:17:06,933 --> 00:17:08,242 God, can't two straight guys 460 00:17:08,243 --> 00:17:10,044 come to a gay dance club, enjoy some techno 461 00:17:10,061 --> 00:17:11,810 and good conversation without being bothered? 462 00:17:15,814 --> 00:17:17,010 How's it going, guys? 463 00:17:17,027 --> 00:17:18,665 Still enjoying the attentions of men? 464 00:17:18,715 --> 00:17:21,542 That's like the eighth guy who's hit on us in ten minutes. 465 00:17:21,592 --> 00:17:23,592 It's like, hello, my eyes are up here. 466 00:17:24,050 --> 00:17:25,320 And it's never the hot ones. 467 00:17:25,470 --> 00:17:27,459 It's always the losers. Bums me out! 468 00:17:28,300 --> 00:17:30,260 Looks like the boys learned their lesson. 469 00:17:30,349 --> 00:17:31,816 Do you totally miss being hit on? 470 00:17:31,816 --> 00:17:33,587 Oh, totally. Let's go find a sports bar. 471 00:17:35,549 --> 00:17:38,149 James, James, since you like arts and crafts, 472 00:17:38,216 --> 00:17:39,716 look at what Charles here made 473 00:17:39,783 --> 00:17:41,117 with cherry stems. 474 00:17:42,117 --> 00:17:43,377 He did it with his tongue. 475 00:17:43,682 --> 00:17:44,607 Yeah. 476 00:17:44,682 --> 00:17:45,449 Barney. 477 00:17:45,515 --> 00:17:46,698 So, Charles, 478 00:17:46,748 --> 00:17:48,727 why don't you put your number in my brother's phone, 479 00:17:48,777 --> 00:17:49,990 and once he's in a funner mood... 480 00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:51,507 Barney, Barney, I don't want his number. 481 00:17:51,573 --> 00:17:54,240 I don't want anyone's number, okay? 482 00:17:54,869 --> 00:17:55,970 I'm getting married. 483 00:17:56,568 --> 00:17:57,568 Wow. 484 00:17:58,037 --> 00:17:58,961 Best of luck to you both. 485 00:17:59,011 --> 00:17:59,762 Thank you. 486 00:17:59,978 --> 00:18:01,244 My number's in here. 487 00:18:01,928 --> 00:18:03,268 I'm very discreet. 488 00:18:04,845 --> 00:18:06,228 Okay, okay, excuse me. 489 00:18:06,645 --> 00:18:07,944 Barney, family talk. 490 00:18:08,411 --> 00:18:10,346 Okay, dude, you have got to stop this, okay? 491 00:18:10,356 --> 00:18:13,311 I know that my getting married is threatening to your way of life... 492 00:18:13,311 --> 00:18:14,628 Oh, so now it's my way of life? 493 00:18:14,745 --> 00:18:16,894 I thought it was our way of life. 494 00:18:17,311 --> 00:18:19,045 You've completely turned your back on it. 495 00:18:19,112 --> 00:18:20,945 Look at you, not even suited up. 496 00:18:21,011 --> 00:18:23,011 Do you remember why we suit up, James? 497 00:18:23,078 --> 00:18:24,261 To get laid. 498 00:18:24,544 --> 00:18:26,550 To show people that we are different 499 00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:29,857 from the millions of T-shirt and jeans lemmings out there. 500 00:18:30,122 --> 00:18:30,885 The suit shows 501 00:18:30,885 --> 00:18:32,451 that we are a force to be reckoned with, 502 00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:35,173 a two-person army that plays by its own rules. 503 00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:36,572 But you've taken off the uniform, 504 00:18:36,622 --> 00:18:38,786 you've crossed enemy lines, and you've abandoned me. 505 00:18:38,911 --> 00:18:40,186 Well, I'm not gonna let you do that. 506 00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:43,666 It's not too late to back out of this stupid marriage thing! 507 00:18:44,078 --> 00:18:45,611 You don't have to do this, bro! 508 00:18:45,678 --> 00:18:46,862 -Yes, I do. - Why?! 509 00:18:47,027 --> 00:18:49,083 Because Tom and I are gonna have a baby. 510 00:18:49,714 --> 00:18:51,450 What? There's gonna be a baby? 511 00:18:53,326 --> 00:18:54,333 Yes. 512 00:18:54,711 --> 00:18:55,709 We're adopting. 513 00:18:56,061 --> 00:18:57,311 Oh, my God. 514 00:18:57,878 --> 00:18:59,277 I'm gonna be an uncle? 515 00:18:59,976 --> 00:19:01,567 For the rest of your life. 516 00:19:02,377 --> 00:19:04,878 (laughing) 517 00:19:04,945 --> 00:19:07,329 And that's how Barney became Uncle Barney. 518 00:19:07,735 --> 00:19:09,260 A year later, at James's wedding, 519 00:19:09,310 --> 00:19:11,044 Barney could not have been more proud. 520 00:19:11,462 --> 00:19:12,694 To James and Tom. 521 00:19:13,099 --> 00:19:15,421 May you have a long and happy life together. 522 00:19:15,828 --> 00:19:18,911 And may I always have the skin and libido of a much younger man. 523 00:19:18,978 --> 00:19:20,544 -Cheers. -Cheers. 524 00:19:21,511 --> 00:19:22,628 Nice one. 525 00:19:23,145 --> 00:19:25,774 Thanks. I decided to leave out the hetero college phase. 526 00:19:25,824 --> 00:19:27,276 No one wants to hear about that. 527 00:19:27,277 --> 00:19:28,778 It was perfect. 528 00:19:28,845 --> 00:19:30,777 You even made Tom's dad cry. 529 00:19:31,344 --> 00:19:33,778 Might have been doing that because he's a Republican. 530 00:19:33,845 --> 00:19:35,478 (chuckles) 531 00:19:35,544 --> 00:19:36,428 Whoa. 532 00:19:36,845 --> 00:19:37,811 It's 9:00. 533 00:19:38,261 --> 00:19:39,223 We should be getting back. 534 00:19:39,273 --> 00:19:40,705 You guys want to split a cab? 535 00:19:40,755 --> 00:19:42,311 Uh, no, I think I'm gonna stay a little bit longer. 536 00:19:42,428 --> 00:19:44,261 Yeah, me, too. I'm not tired at all. 537 00:19:44,478 --> 00:19:45,678 All right, well, it's getting late. 538 00:19:45,745 --> 00:19:46,911 Got to get the wife home. 539 00:19:46,978 --> 00:19:48,011 Oh, stop calling me that. 540 00:19:48,078 --> 00:19:49,212 It makes me sound fat. 541 00:19:51,212 --> 00:19:53,277 Ugh, it's a freaking epidemic. 542 00:19:53,344 --> 00:19:54,561 See ya. 543 00:19:59,011 --> 00:20:01,694 * I won't tell * 544 00:20:02,411 --> 00:20:04,845 * What you told * 545 00:20:05,212 --> 00:20:07,378 * I won't share... * 546 00:20:07,645 --> 00:20:08,978 May I? Yeah. 547 00:20:09,045 --> 00:20:10,478 (chuckles) 548 00:20:10,544 --> 00:20:13,344 * I will grow old * 549 00:20:13,411 --> 00:20:14,911 * No one will know... * 550 00:20:15,078 --> 00:20:16,078 Hey, buddy. 551 00:20:17,311 --> 00:20:18,845 Your parents are married. 552 00:20:19,851 --> 00:20:20,929 Now, listen, 553 00:20:21,212 --> 00:20:23,711 Just because you're being raised by married people 554 00:20:23,728 --> 00:20:26,010 doesn't mean you have to choose that lifestyle. 555 00:20:26,078 --> 00:20:27,177 High-five. 556 00:20:28,510 --> 00:20:30,023 Luckily, you got me. 557 00:20:30,578 --> 00:20:33,711 In 20 and a half years, you'll be 21, 558 00:20:33,778 --> 00:20:35,794 and I will be... 559 00:20:36,311 --> 00:20:38,345 Well, I haven't decided how old I'll be yet. 560 00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:39,711 But we are gonna 561 00:20:39,778 --> 00:20:42,535 bro out, uncle and nephew style. 562 00:20:43,030 --> 00:20:44,414 Stick with me, kid. 563 00:20:44,676 --> 00:20:47,642 I am gonna teach you how to live. 564 00:20:48,411 --> 00:20:50,277 Great suit, by the way. 565 00:20:52,444 --> 00:20:54,212 (mock straining) 566 00:20:54,277 --> 00:20:55,678 Who is the cutest? 567 00:20:55,745 --> 00:20:56,978 See Robin? 568 00:21:06,409 --> 00:21:08,943 Tom likes big breast, and I intended great it 569 00:21:10,019 --> 00:21:11,943 and now it's laid and out 570 00:21:13,188 --> 00:21:14,578 (sobbing): Why? 571 00:21:15,110 --> 00:21:18,570 Rosa, why always be attracted to the unavailable ones? 572 00:21:18,570 --> 00:21:20,697 Why not accept the fact that you're a beautiful woman 573 00:21:20,797 --> 00:21:22,487 who is worthy of love? 574 00:21:22,946 --> 00:21:24,612 Are you brave enough to hear that? 575 00:21:25,476 --> 00:21:26,924 You... Hmm.