1 00:00:00,700 --> 00:00:02,300 It took me a while to figure out 2 00:00:02,300 --> 00:00:05,200 but the key to understanding your Uncle Barney is this. 3 00:00:05,400 --> 00:00:08,700 When times are hard, it's impossible to keep him around. 4 00:00:08,900 --> 00:00:11,200 Like when your aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall were broken up. 5 00:00:11,200 --> 00:00:13,200 Hey. What are you guys talking about? 6 00:00:13,700 --> 00:00:15,500 - Lily. - I got to go. 7 00:00:17,500 --> 00:00:20,500 But when times are good, it's impossible to get rid of him. 8 00:00:20,500 --> 00:00:21,500 What are you guys doing? 9 00:00:21,500 --> 00:00:23,300 We just finished planning Marshall's bachelor party. 10 00:00:23,300 --> 00:00:25,300 Good, you haven't started yet. Let's talk logistics. 11 00:00:25,300 --> 00:00:27,900 Now, have you laid out ground rules with Lily? 12 00:00:27,900 --> 00:00:30,500 Where you are or aren't allowed to touch or be touched? 13 00:00:30,500 --> 00:00:31,600 Show me on Ted. 14 00:00:31,900 --> 00:00:34,700 Actually, we're, uh, we're thinking of skipping the strippers. 15 00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:38,300 You... you want to have a party without strippers. 16 00:00:38,300 --> 00:00:40,100 This was the worse thing I could have said. 17 00:00:40,100 --> 00:00:42,800 You see, uncle Barney loved cooking up bachelor parties. 18 00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:44,700 And it was always the same recipe. 19 00:00:45,100 --> 00:00:47,700 You start with a slightly cramped hotel suite. 20 00:00:48,100 --> 00:00:50,100 Arrange the chairs in a circle... 21 00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:52,700 Fill them with your closest friends. 22 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:55,000 Turn the heat up to about 90. 23 00:00:55,300 --> 00:00:57,500 Pump in a metric ton of cigar smoke. 24 00:00:58,100 --> 00:01:01,500 And then, right in the middle of the room, you throw in a girl. 25 00:01:01,700 --> 00:01:03,200 But not a beautiful girl-- 26 00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:06,300 no, if this girl was ever beautiful, it was two kids, 27 00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:09,800 three tattoos and one pesky substance abuse problem ago. 28 00:01:10,600 --> 00:01:12,600 Which one of you is Stuart? 29 00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:14,400 Please, I really don't want to do this. 30 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:17,100 Shut up, put in your mouth guard. 31 00:01:21,500 --> 00:01:24,400 Then she proceeds to do things that demean the groom, 32 00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:27,200 herself and really, the entire human race. 33 00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:28,500 Disgusting. 34 00:01:29,100 --> 00:01:30,400 Ah, horrifying. 35 00:01:30,900 --> 00:01:33,600 - Classic. - Oh, please, please, no, no. 36 00:01:33,900 --> 00:01:36,100 I don't want anything like that happening to me. 37 00:01:36,100 --> 00:01:37,900 Stuart's still trying to forget that night. 38 00:01:37,900 --> 00:01:40,600 It's my bachelor party. We're not having strippers. 39 00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:42,600 Oh, he thinks he has a sain it. 40 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:44,300 So, strippers it is! 41 00:01:44,300 --> 00:01:48,000 Now, just, uh, tell me where we're going to be and I'll make some calls. 42 00:01:48,300 --> 00:01:49,700 I think I can get the fourth one for free. 43 00:01:49,700 --> 00:01:52,200 Quick question. Prosthetic arm. Deal breaker? 44 00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:56,100 - Barney, there is... - Before you say no, it has attachments. 45 00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:00,500 Subtitles : Willow's Team 46 00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:02,600 Transcript : Raceman 47 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:04,600 www.forom.com 48 00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:13,500 Look, I know you have some stuff planned for Marshall's bachelor party, 49 00:02:13,500 --> 00:02:15,900 - but he really doesn't want strippers. - Yes, he does. 50 00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:19,300 - Uh, well, he told me he doesn't. - Uh, well, he told me he does. 51 00:02:19,300 --> 00:02:21,100 - When? - Every minute of every day 52 00:02:21,100 --> 00:02:25,300 as his inner animal thrashes against the cage of his own puritanical upbringing. 53 00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:27,800 Or do you guys not like naked girls. 54 00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:30,800 Um, we love naked girls. 55 00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:32,200 They're one of the best things in the world. 56 00:02:32,300 --> 00:02:35,500 It goes... naked girls, democracy, 57 00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:38,600 the scene in Every Which Way But Loose where the monkey gives a guy the finger. 58 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:42,000 - We just don't like your naked girls. - What, my girls aren't hot enough? 59 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:46,400 I mean, all right, fine, the stripper at Stuart's bachelor party was a 15. 60 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:51,100 - She was 15? - No, a 15. Like in blackjack. 61 00:02:51,500 --> 00:02:54,100 As in, not sure whether you'd hit it? 62 00:02:54,100 --> 00:02:56,200 - Exactly. - Nice. 63 00:02:57,200 --> 00:03:01,500 This is important to Marshall. So, promise me, no strippers. 64 00:03:02,100 --> 00:03:03,700 All right, I promise. 65 00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:08,900 - I'm serious. - So am I. No strippers. 66 00:03:10,700 --> 00:03:12,400 Now say it without winking. 67 00:03:12,900 --> 00:03:14,500 No strippers. 68 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:18,700 - You just winked. - No I didn't. 69 00:03:21,300 --> 00:03:25,500 So, when the day arrived, we all climbed into a rented Escalade and set out. 70 00:03:25,700 --> 00:03:29,600 Now, every bachelor party is usually made up of the same stock characters. 71 00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:31,200 You've got the groom... 72 00:03:31,300 --> 00:03:32,600 the best man... 73 00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:36,200 - the guy who speaks only in clichés... - Dead man walking! 74 00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:39,400 ...the guy who disappears at the beginning of the night 75 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:41,100 and doesn't show up again until the end. 76 00:03:41,100 --> 00:03:44,200 All right, who's up for a little blackjack before we check in. 77 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:46,500 - No, no, no. - None for me. 78 00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:48,600 See you guys back at the room, then. 79 00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:52,100 And, of course, well... Barney. 80 00:03:52,100 --> 00:03:55,800 Every bachelor party has a Barney. Oh, what's this? 81 00:03:55,900 --> 00:03:58,400 This car has a DVD player? You mean, 82 00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:02,700 we could have been watching these pornos the whole time? 83 00:04:02,700 --> 00:04:04,800 - Yeah. - This one's in HD. 84 00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:08,500 This one's in H-double-D. Oh! 85 00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:12,400 That same night, aunt Lily was having a wedding shower. 86 00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:14,300 And Robin showed up gift in hand. 87 00:04:14,300 --> 00:04:16,100 Funny story about that gift. 88 00:04:16,300 --> 00:04:19,000 Hey, Barney, check out what I got Lily for her shower. 89 00:04:19,100 --> 00:04:21,300 It's kind of racy. Think you can handle it? 90 00:04:21,300 --> 00:04:24,000 Uh, I've been in a ten-way. So, yeah. 91 00:04:29,600 --> 00:04:32,500 - It's kind of see-through. - Whoa, ho ho! 92 00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:35,700 You weren't kidding! You know when you should give that to her? 93 00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:37,600 1850. 94 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:40,200 Robin, it's her bridal shower! 95 00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:42,200 All her friends are gonna be there, they're going to be drinking. 96 00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:44,700 You need to get her something daring, something outrageous. 97 00:04:44,900 --> 00:04:47,000 Well, what do you think I should get her? 98 00:04:47,700 --> 00:04:52,000 There's a store on Eighth Avenue that specializes in-- 99 00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:53,900 how to put this delicately?-- 100 00:04:53,900 --> 00:04:59,400 uh, battery-powered, adult- recreational fake penises. 101 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:03,400 And so Aunt Robin went to a store on Eighth Avenue, 102 00:05:03,500 --> 00:05:06,600 and a battery-powered, adult-recreational... 103 00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:09,500 Well, it was something inappropriate. And we're back in. 104 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:16,300 Robin! 105 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:18,200 I'm so glad you're here. 106 00:05:18,700 --> 00:05:20,800 Come in, I want you to meet everybody. 107 00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:24,000 Robin, this is my Grandma Lois and my Aunt Florence. 108 00:05:24,100 --> 00:05:25,900 Oh, lovely to meet you, dear. 109 00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:28,000 They put this whole party together. 110 00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:32,100 It's different from what I expected, but lovely. 111 00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:33,300 Lovely. 112 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:34,800 And oh, look, there are little kids here! 113 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:35,900 Yeah, my cousins. 114 00:05:35,900 --> 00:05:39,200 Listen, I, uh, I forgot something somewhere so I'm going to just go... 115 00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:41,200 Robin, this is my mom, Janice. 116 00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:44,300 Oh, honey. I'm so glad to finally meet you. 117 00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:46,200 Me too. I, I've heard so much about you. 118 00:05:46,300 --> 00:05:49,200 Me, too. Oh, here. Let me take your gift. 119 00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:55,500 Can I guess what it is? Is it a, a, a mini food processor? 120 00:05:55,700 --> 00:05:57,200 - No. - No? Oh. 121 00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:59,000 Oh, give me a hint. What color is it? 122 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:01,100 Black. 123 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:05,400 Well, I guess I'm just going to have to wait and see! 124 00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:08,700 - Oh, great. - Robin... 125 00:06:08,700 --> 00:06:12,600 - this is my Cousin Margaret. - Oh, finally, someone our own age! 126 00:06:12,900 --> 00:06:16,600 Wait, do I introduce you as "Cousin Margaret" or "Sister Margaret?" 127 00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:19,500 Well, I'm not officially confirmed as a nun until next month 128 00:06:19,500 --> 00:06:24,000 and I don't want to tick off the Big Guy, so let's stick with "Cousin" for now. 129 00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:27,100 God's watching. Excellent! 130 00:06:31,300 --> 00:06:33,400 Man, they spent a lot of money on this porno. 131 00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:37,600 Whoa-- Morgan Freeman? Man, that guy's in everything. 132 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:41,100 Aw, man, I grabbed the wrong Deep Impact! 133 00:06:41,900 --> 00:06:43,700 No, leave it in, it's a good movie. 134 00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:47,700 - But, dude, there's no sex in it. - Yeah, just like marriage. Huh? Right? 135 00:06:49,100 --> 00:06:51,500 Oh, oh, hey, check this out! Don't ask how, 136 00:06:51,500 --> 00:06:55,500 but I procured for us five loco-bueno, 137 00:06:55,500 --> 00:06:58,100 hand-rolled, highly illegal Cubans. 138 00:06:58,100 --> 00:07:00,300 Seriously, you could go to jail for smoking these things. 139 00:07:00,300 --> 00:07:02,800 Marriage is like jail! Right, fellas?! 140 00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:06,800 But at least in jail, you get to have sex! 141 00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:13,400 But we're not lighting these babies up, till we get to the A.C. 142 00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:14,500 A.C.? 143 00:07:14,700 --> 00:07:17,300 Um, Atlantic City. Try to keep up, Brad. 144 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:19,400 We're not going to Atlantic City. 145 00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:22,500 Just a second, Brad. 146 00:07:26,500 --> 00:07:28,200 - Hi. - Hi. 147 00:07:29,300 --> 00:07:31,100 We're still going to Atlantic City, right? 148 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:34,700 Oh, did I not tell you? Yeah, we switched it. We're going to Foxwoods. 149 00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:36,300 Foxwoods? 150 00:07:36,300 --> 00:07:42,600 But I've got an ipperstray waiting in tlanticaay itycay. 151 00:07:42,900 --> 00:07:44,400 What the heck's in Foxwoods? 152 00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:47,600 Well, we've got five third row seats to the Popinski-Salazar rematch. 153 00:07:47,900 --> 00:07:50,100 They've set aside our very own craps table, 154 00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:52,200 and I reserved a private room for us at Connelly's, 155 00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:54,800 where the five of us are going to be sharing a 102-ounce steak 156 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:57,300 from a cow that I picked out on the Internet. 157 00:07:57,500 --> 00:08:00,000 - Yeah. - Great. The night's ruined. 158 00:08:00,300 --> 00:08:03,000 Sorry, Barney. It was an honest mistake. 159 00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:09,200 This is going to be great! 160 00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:12,500 Meat, violence, throwing money down the toilet. 161 00:08:12,500 --> 00:08:14,700 America-- one; every other country-- zero. 162 00:08:15,100 --> 00:08:16,800 - Thanks, guys. - Yeah. 163 00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:20,600 - You okay, Barney? - What can I say, Ted? You won. 164 00:08:21,900 --> 00:08:23,000 Hi. 165 00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:26,100 You one... sad, pathetic loser. 166 00:08:26,300 --> 00:08:28,700 Boys, say hello to Treasure. 167 00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:30,500 Hi, Treasure. 168 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:34,200 - I can't believe that you did this. - I had to. 169 00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:35,600 - I'm your best man. - Ted's my best man. 170 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:37,500 You've yet to make a decision and that's fine. 171 00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:41,400 But as your best-man-to-be, it's my job to make sure at your bachelor party 172 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:45,300 you see a woman take her clothes off while dancing to Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again." 173 00:08:48,900 --> 00:08:51,500 All right, fine, but... let's make it fast, all right. 174 00:08:51,500 --> 00:08:53,300 The fight starts in an hour we don't want to miss it. 175 00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:55,800 It's a girl taking her clothes off. How long can it take? 176 00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:57,500 It's a bit more complicated than that. 177 00:08:57,500 --> 00:09:00,800 I need two grounded sockets, a large sterile pot filled with hot water 178 00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:03,000 and you all need to sign these releases. 179 00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:11,200 An egg beater! Aw, thank you, Aunt Sylvia! 180 00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:13,000 I love that it's cordless. 181 00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:14,700 Well, at least I got that part right. 182 00:09:15,900 --> 00:09:18,500 All of these gifts are so thoughtful. 183 00:09:18,900 --> 00:09:20,000 Lily? 184 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:23,500 I need you to look at me right now and read my mind. 185 00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:26,700 - Oh, my God! You're hearing me! - Yeah! 186 00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:29,500 Sorry this party's so boring. What's up? 187 00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:33,900 Do not open my gift. See what I'm doing here? 188 00:09:33,900 --> 00:09:37,500 I'm looking over at the gift, then back at you, 189 00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:40,400 and I'm shaking my head, "no." 190 00:09:40,500 --> 00:09:43,900 Gift. You. No. 191 00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:47,800 - Are you getting that? - I totally got it. 192 00:09:54,300 --> 00:09:56,100 Here you go. 193 00:09:57,200 --> 00:09:59,800 Lily said it was your time of the month. 194 00:10:00,700 --> 00:10:01,900 You're welcome. 195 00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:08,900 What are you doing? 196 00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:15,000 Oh, just, um... rearranging the gifts. The pile looked a bit precarious. So... 197 00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:17,200 Oh, don't worry, I'll keep an eye on it. 198 00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:19,400 Great. You do that. 199 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:21,900 You're gonna make a damn good nun. 200 00:10:26,700 --> 00:10:29,300 As many times as Robin told this story over the years, 201 00:10:29,300 --> 00:10:32,700 she would never quite be able to explain the logic of her next move. 202 00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:41,900 Is this a strip show or a Kiss concert? 203 00:10:41,900 --> 00:10:44,000 Shh! She's starting. 204 00:10:44,100 --> 00:10:47,700 Please turn off your cell phones, pagers and sense of shame. 205 00:10:48,500 --> 00:10:54,000 All right, boys. Lie back, get comfortable, and enjoy the show. 206 00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:01,300 Of course there's no way I'm telling you about her show. 207 00:11:01,300 --> 00:11:03,500 - So, let's skip ahead a little. - Ow! 208 00:11:04,300 --> 00:11:06,600 Oh my God, are you all right? 209 00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:09,400 No, I am not all right, you idiot. My ankle is broken! 210 00:11:09,500 --> 00:11:12,600 - Take me to the hospital! - Um, actually, we have tickets. 211 00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:16,300 You know what? Thanks a lot, Barney. 212 00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:17,700 She told you at the beginning of the show 213 00:11:17,700 --> 00:11:20,100 not to use the smoke machine when she's on the hippity hop. 214 00:11:20,100 --> 00:11:22,800 Now I'm going to have to spend the rest of my bachelor party in a hospital. 215 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:24,500 Well, hey, maybe we'll get to see her X-rays. 216 00:11:24,500 --> 00:11:26,400 The ultimate strip show. 217 00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:30,200 - X-rays. More like triple X-rays. - Just stop. 218 00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:33,600 Which exit is the hospital? 219 00:11:33,700 --> 00:11:35,600 What if she doesn't make it to the hospital? 220 00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:37,200 Barney, please calm down. 221 00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:38,600 Maybe we should just take her to the desert, 222 00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:40,500 bury her and wash our hands of this whole thing! 223 00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:42,100 Dude, what is the matter with you? 224 00:11:42,100 --> 00:11:44,200 I'm just trying to illustrate to Marshall that as his best man... 225 00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:46,100 - You're not my best man. - As his best man, 226 00:11:46,100 --> 00:11:48,000 I would help him bury a hooker in the desert. 227 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,900 - I'm not a hooker. - And you're not my best man. 228 00:11:49,900 --> 00:11:51,500 You've ruined my bachelor party. 229 00:11:51,700 --> 00:11:54,500 I don't know why you wouldn't just listen to me when I said I didn't want this. 230 00:11:54,500 --> 00:11:57,200 Well, the fight started ten minutes ago. Maybe-maybe we should listen. 231 00:11:57,500 --> 00:11:59,200 Oh, Doctor, what a fight! 232 00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:01,800 That knockout will be talked about for years to come! 233 00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:03,600 Anyone lucky enough to be in the arena tonight 234 00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:06,400 just witnessed boxing history in the making! 235 00:12:07,900 --> 00:12:12,600 Thank you so much, Margaret. I can't believe you carved that crucifix yourself. 236 00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:14,100 So talented. 237 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:16,200 Didn't think you could carve. 238 00:12:19,100 --> 00:12:23,600 For you. Oh. And this one's from... 239 00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:27,100 - Grandma Lois. - Oh. No, wait, darling. 240 00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:32,100 Before you open this, I-I want to say a few words. 241 00:12:32,100 --> 00:12:33,800 Okay, something you need to know. 242 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:38,600 Grandma Lois thought she was giving her granddaughter an antique sewing machine. 243 00:12:39,500 --> 00:12:40,800 And we're back in. 244 00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:47,400 Honey, this handy little device has been in our family for generations. 245 00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:50,300 I used it, your great grandmother used it. 246 00:12:50,300 --> 00:12:54,800 Now, her mother didn't use this one, but she used one just like it. 247 00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:57,500 Of course, back then, they were made out of wood. 248 00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:01,500 And, uh, I guess before that, you just had to do it by hand. 249 00:13:01,500 --> 00:13:04,700 - Would you pass the wine, please? - No. 250 00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:07,000 Hey, Marshall, 251 00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:09,400 while we're here, you may as well go down to the morgue and 252 00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:12,500 climb into a drawer, 'cause that's what marriage is like. 253 00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:14,000 Can I get an amen? 254 00:13:16,500 --> 00:13:18,500 - Is everything all right at home, Stuart? - No. 255 00:13:27,500 --> 00:13:28,800 It's broken. 256 00:13:28,900 --> 00:13:33,300 Oh, damn it, this is bad. I really can't lose this job. 257 00:13:33,700 --> 00:13:38,700 My daughters are about to start school, and my fiancé, well... 258 00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:42,800 ever since he got back from Iraq, pretty much all he does is drink. 259 00:13:43,300 --> 00:13:45,400 I think about leaving him, but... 260 00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:49,500 I don't want my girls growing up without a dad like I did. 261 00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:52,100 I don't want them to know what that's like. 262 00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:58,600 - So, show time? - What is the matter with you? 263 00:13:58,700 --> 00:14:00,200 Her ankle's broken. 264 00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:03,200 I know for a fact that the second half of her act 265 00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:05,800 takes place largely in a seated or supine position. 266 00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:07,100 Oh, that's true. 267 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:10,400 Treasure, please, don't worry about the show. 268 00:14:10,700 --> 00:14:12,100 Uh, we'd feel bad. 269 00:14:12,900 --> 00:14:14,200 What does that mean? 270 00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,200 No. We just mean, uh, you're off the hook. 271 00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:17,500 You don't have to do it. 272 00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:20,400 I don't have to do it? Well, guess what? 273 00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:25,100 I know I don't have to do it. I do it because I am good at it. 274 00:14:25,100 --> 00:14:26,900 Look, I don't need your pity. 275 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:31,000 All I want to do is give you a great show because you're getting married! 276 00:14:31,100 --> 00:14:35,100 Is that so much to ask? Is that such a major inconvenience?! 277 00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:47,900 Oh, that is wrong. 278 00:14:49,300 --> 00:14:50,700 Oh, that's just so wrong. 279 00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:55,600 Well, the doctor did say for her to keep it elevated. 280 00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:04,100 When I was a girl, my mother taught me and my sister to use it. 281 00:15:04,100 --> 00:15:07,400 We used to have contests to see who could finish faster. 282 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:11,200 It was so exciting. The whole family would gather around to watch. 283 00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:16,200 And when I was a new bride, this is what kept me buzy 284 00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:19,900 all those long nights when your grandfather was in Korea. 285 00:15:21,100 --> 00:15:23,200 And speaking of your grandfather, 286 00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:27,700 though I don't think he'd care to admit this to any of his army buddies, but... 287 00:15:28,500 --> 00:15:31,200 he'd have a go at it every once in a while. 288 00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:33,400 And he enjoyed it. 289 00:15:34,900 --> 00:15:36,700 Oh, open it up, sweetie. 290 00:15:36,700 --> 00:15:40,100 May this give for you as much joy as it's brought me. 291 00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:04,800 Grandma, um... 292 00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:07,600 Wow. 293 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:12,300 Well, take it out, honey. I want to show you how to use it. 294 00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:16,200 Okay, no, no! Don't take it out. 295 00:16:16,500 --> 00:16:19,100 Lily, that's not your grandma's gift. It's mine. 296 00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:23,300 I panicked, and I switched the cards because I was embarrassed. 297 00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:24,900 Well, what is it? 298 00:16:34,900 --> 00:16:39,100 It's just like the one Miranda gave to Charlotte on Sex and the City. 299 00:16:39,100 --> 00:16:42,900 Oh, I love that show. I always watch it on TBS. 300 00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,500 Oh, you would. You're such a Samantha! 301 00:16:45,500 --> 00:16:48,000 Oh, I'm a Carrie! You're a Samantha! 302 00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:52,400 And then the night became a whole new kind of uncomfortable. 303 00:16:53,700 --> 00:16:56,200 - So where do I get one of these? - Mom! 304 00:16:59,900 --> 00:17:02,000 Man, what a show, huh? 305 00:17:02,300 --> 00:17:04,800 She did some disgusting stuff. Really sticks with you. 306 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:08,000 I may be done eating. 307 00:17:08,300 --> 00:17:09,400 Me, too. 308 00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:11,500 I mean, like, forever. 309 00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:13,000 Me, too. 310 00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:14,900 I miss my wife. 311 00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:20,200 Hey, let's go around the table and say what our favorite part was. 312 00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:22,600 Mine was that thing with the typewriter. 313 00:17:22,900 --> 00:17:25,900 I mean, she made some spelling mistakes, but still. 314 00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:29,500 Ooh, and you guys were all, "Barney, put out the cigar! 315 00:17:29,500 --> 00:17:33,000 It's a non-smoking room!" And I was all, "Hell, no, this is a Cuban!" 316 00:17:33,700 --> 00:17:36,400 Of course, eventually, I did put it out. 317 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:38,400 Did I put it out? 318 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:40,200 I put it out. 319 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:42,500 Did I put it out? 320 00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:45,000 I put it out. 321 00:17:46,700 --> 00:17:47,900 Did I put it out? 322 00:17:48,300 --> 00:17:52,100 It was a small fire, not even big enough to force an evacuation of the hotel, 323 00:17:52,100 --> 00:17:54,100 but definitely big enough to get us kicked out, 324 00:17:54,100 --> 00:17:57,000 and bring Marshall's bachelor party to an early end. 325 00:17:57,500 --> 00:17:58,500 Is that...? 326 00:18:00,300 --> 00:18:01,600 It is. 327 00:18:06,100 --> 00:18:07,300 Hey, guys. 328 00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:11,000 How was the fight? 329 00:18:14,700 --> 00:18:18,100 Hey, what are you guys doing here? What happened to the bachelor party? 330 00:18:18,100 --> 00:18:20,500 We missed the fight, dinner was ruined, 331 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:23,800 we spent half the night in the hospital, and got kicked out of the hotel. 332 00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:26,300 - What do you think happened? - Barney. Barney. 333 00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:28,400 Hey, I was just trying to be a good best man. 334 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:32,000 You know what a best man does, Barney? He does what the groom wants. 335 00:18:32,100 --> 00:18:35,200 But all you ever think about is what you want, what's best for you. 336 00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:36,100 Best man? 337 00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:38,400 I'm not even sure I'm inviting you to the wedding at this point. 338 00:18:38,500 --> 00:18:39,600 You don't mean that. 339 00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:42,500 Why should I invite you? You don't even want us to get married. 340 00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:46,900 That's not true. 341 00:18:47,300 --> 00:18:48,600 Lily, don't. 342 00:18:49,700 --> 00:18:50,500 What? 343 00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:53,700 I'm sorry, Barney. 344 00:18:54,100 --> 00:18:56,600 It happened last summer when we were broken up. 345 00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:00,800 Hey, what are you guys talking about? 346 00:19:01,100 --> 00:19:02,900 - Lily. - Ah, I got to go. 347 00:19:08,900 --> 00:19:10,400 Newark Airport, please. 348 00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:20,700 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Barney, what are you doing here? 349 00:19:20,700 --> 00:19:22,400 I can't believe it's really you. Come in, have a seat. 350 00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:24,200 Do you want some tea? I know the apartment's small, 351 00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:26,200 but I don't need much space. Let me show you some of my paintings. 352 00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:28,400 I think it's some of my best work ever. Just stop it. 353 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:32,200 Lily, you have to come home. You and Marshall belong together. 354 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:33,000 The two of you 355 00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:35,600 have something that most people search their whole lives for and never find. 356 00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:38,200 I know you love him, and if you knew what he was going through right now, 357 00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:40,500 you wouldn't be here for one more second. 358 00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:42,700 I bought you a ticket home. 359 00:19:43,100 --> 00:19:45,200 Marshall is one of the best people I know, 360 00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:47,400 and it won't be long until someone else realizes that, 361 00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,000 and you'll lose him forever. 362 00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:50,900 I can't stand the thought of that happening, 363 00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:53,700 and I cannot keep stealing chicks from him forever. 364 00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:57,700 Never, ever tell anyone I was here. I will deny it tooth and nail. 365 00:19:57,700 --> 00:19:59,200 This trip never happened. 366 00:20:02,700 --> 00:20:04,600 Hey, if you had three hours to kill before your flight, what would you do-- 367 00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:06,800 Alcatraz or Fisherman's Wharf? 368 00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:12,500 You really did that? 369 00:20:16,500 --> 00:20:20,400 Marshall, I think Barney's your best man. 370 00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:21,900 Yeah. 371 00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:23,200 Yes, he is. 372 00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:25,700 See, Lily? This is why I didn't... 373 00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:27,400 - Really? - Really. 374 00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:29,600 Real... 375 00:20:29,900 --> 00:20:32,600 In your face, loser! 376 00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:36,200 Take it easy, all right. Ted's still my best man, too. 377 00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:38,000 You guys are co-best men. 378 00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:41,300 Right. Yes, we're both best man. 379 00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:45,300 No, um, seriously. You guys are co-best men. 380 00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:46,600 Of course. 381 00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:58,100 I can't believe you got me this. 382 00:20:58,100 --> 00:21:01,200 Oh, I only did it as a joke. I can return it for you you want. 383 00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:04,700 Oh, no, it's okay. You don't have to go all the way back down there. 384 00:21:04,700 --> 00:21:06,900 - I'll, I'll just throw it away. - Well, I mean, 385 00:21:06,900 --> 00:21:08,400 if you were going to throw it away, maybe I'll take it 386 00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:10,900 in case I get invited to another wedding shower. 387 00:21:10,900 --> 00:21:14,000 - It's a great gag gift. - Yeah, it's really funny. 388 00:21:14,300 --> 00:21:16,000 You know who would get a kick out of it? 389 00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:16,900 Marshall. 390 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:18,900 So, so maybe I'll just hold on to it. 391 00:21:19,500 --> 00:21:22,700 I would be embarrassed if Marshall found out that I bought it for you, 392 00:21:22,700 --> 00:21:25,200 - so I'd better just take it. - Robin, leave it. 393 00:21:27,700 --> 00:21:32,000 Subtitles : Willow's Team Transcript : Raceman www.forom.com 0 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net