1 00:00:01,612 --> 00:00:05,132 Kids, I never would have met your mother without a little luck. 2 00:00:05,113 --> 00:00:07,218 Specifically, the luck of the Irish. 3 00:00:07,222 --> 00:00:09,697 St. Patrick's Day. It's the one day of the year 4 00:00:09,659 --> 00:00:13,083 when every young person in New York goes out and gets crazy. 5 00:00:13,679 --> 00:00:14,871 Really crazy. 6 00:00:15,574 --> 00:00:17,290 Okay, maybe not that crazy. 7 00:00:17,676 --> 00:00:20,140 But by 2008, we'd all had enough. 8 00:00:20,147 --> 00:00:21,952 Well, most of us. 9 00:00:22,113 --> 00:00:25,357 Who wants to kiss The Barney Stone? 10 00:00:25,358 --> 00:00:27,600 - Look, it's the Riddler. - That's not the Riddler. 11 00:00:27,604 --> 00:00:28,442 That's Gumby. 12 00:00:28,443 --> 00:00:30,515 Hey, Gumby, can we tie you in a knot later? 13 00:00:30,516 --> 00:00:33,838 Hey, NBA player sidelined by a knee injury? 14 00:00:33,896 --> 00:00:36,393 All right, laugh all you want, 15 00:00:36,394 --> 00:00:39,302 but this is my lucky St. Patty's Day suit. 16 00:00:39,309 --> 00:00:42,481 I have dry-cleaned many a stain off of this baby. 17 00:00:42,893 --> 00:00:44,224 You know why it's lucky? 18 00:00:44,221 --> 00:00:47,826 'Cause it's green, the color of go, as in let's. 19 00:00:47,830 --> 00:00:49,307 Uh, Barney, we, uh... 20 00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:51,254 we talked this over, and, uh, 21 00:00:51,257 --> 00:00:53,102 we're not doing St. Patty's Day this year. 22 00:00:54,286 --> 00:00:55,654 Come on. Let's... 23 00:00:56,326 --> 00:00:57,601 Are you s... 24 00:00:59,768 --> 00:01:01,274 Wow. Okay. 25 00:01:01,518 --> 00:01:03,062 I think I got to lie down. 26 00:01:03,067 --> 00:01:04,333 Can we shoot pool on you? 27 00:01:04,928 --> 00:01:06,612 No! No! 28 00:01:06,656 --> 00:01:07,862 Unacceptable! 29 00:01:07,867 --> 00:01:09,784 That's so not Raven! 30 00:01:10,159 --> 00:01:11,861 What are you gonna do instead? 31 00:01:11,867 --> 00:01:13,302 We just got the keys to our new apartment, 32 00:01:13,309 --> 00:01:15,413 so we're gonna go over there and hang up that painting, 33 00:01:15,426 --> 00:01:16,364 have board game night. 34 00:01:16,369 --> 00:01:17,801 You're welcome to join us if you want. 35 00:01:17,939 --> 00:01:19,753 Board game night?! 36 00:01:20,317 --> 00:01:21,923 Board game night. 37 00:01:22,088 --> 00:01:23,744 Come on! 38 00:01:23,749 --> 00:01:25,474 Let's drink green beer. 39 00:01:25,476 --> 00:01:27,273 Let's do green Jell-O shots! 40 00:01:27,279 --> 00:01:29,021 Where's your St. Patty's Day spirit?! 41 00:01:29,026 --> 00:01:30,402 We're drinking green tea. 42 00:01:30,476 --> 00:01:32,152 With caffeine. 43 00:01:32,566 --> 00:01:34,482 Sorry, Peter. We're grown-ups now. 44 00:01:34,487 --> 00:01:36,942 We can't fly off to Neverland with you anymore. 45 00:01:37,496 --> 00:01:39,181 All right, fine. 46 00:01:39,757 --> 00:01:40,561 You know what? 47 00:01:40,598 --> 00:01:42,954 I'll celebrate St. Patty's Day by myself. 48 00:01:43,097 --> 00:01:44,741 I don't need you people. 49 00:01:44,746 --> 00:01:47,074 You make me physically ill. 50 00:01:48,538 --> 00:01:50,442 He did look a little green. 51 00:01:55,096 --> 00:01:56,233 Hello? 52 00:01:56,697 --> 00:01:58,633 Hey, happy St. Patty's Day! 53 00:01:58,636 --> 00:02:00,934 How are you? Yeah, I haven't talked to you forever. 54 00:02:00,936 --> 00:02:02,642 - Who is it? - It's Ted's butt. 55 00:02:04,989 --> 00:02:06,144 Ah, damn it! 56 00:02:06,148 --> 00:02:07,734 My phone keeps pocket-dialing! 57 00:02:07,737 --> 00:02:09,383 That's, like, the eighth time today. 58 00:02:09,388 --> 00:02:12,472 In fairness, I did call Ted's butt at, like, 2:00 this afternoon. 59 00:02:12,478 --> 00:02:15,424 It took long enough to call you back. 60 00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:19,073 Barney, where are you? 61 00:02:19,076 --> 00:02:21,573 In a cab, heading downtown with our 62 00:02:21,578 --> 00:02:23,753 hot and sexy dates for the evening. 63 00:02:23,758 --> 00:02:26,642 Yes, it happens that fast! 64 00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:28,253 We're going to that club Low Point, 65 00:02:28,257 --> 00:02:29,604 and you're coming with us. 66 00:02:29,606 --> 00:02:31,052 Barney, for the last time... 67 00:02:31,057 --> 00:02:33,644 All right, I didn't want to tell you this in front of Marshall 68 00:02:33,647 --> 00:02:35,071 and Lily because they're old and married, 69 00:02:35,077 --> 00:02:37,594 and it's too late for them anyway, but Ted, 70 00:02:38,006 --> 00:02:40,803 the world is going to come to an end tonight. 71 00:02:41,586 --> 00:02:43,282 Yes. Think about it. 72 00:02:43,287 --> 00:02:46,263 End of the world, Nostradamus. Notre Dame. 73 00:02:46,279 --> 00:02:47,352 Fighting Irish. 74 00:02:47,359 --> 00:02:49,474 Irish. St. Patrick's Day. 75 00:02:49,479 --> 00:02:50,632 This is it, bro. 76 00:02:50,856 --> 00:02:52,632 Bro-pocalypse Now. 77 00:02:53,456 --> 00:02:55,041 Bromageddon. 78 00:02:55,049 --> 00:02:57,721 Ted, you are young, you're single. 79 00:02:57,728 --> 00:02:59,351 You'll have so much more fun with me. 80 00:02:59,359 --> 00:03:01,772 Do you really want to spend your last night on 81 00:03:01,778 --> 00:03:04,774 Earth playing board games with Marshall and Lily? 82 00:03:06,969 --> 00:03:09,781 My hands smell weird. Smell this. 83 00:03:10,078 --> 00:03:12,222 Yeah, they do. That's new. 84 00:03:12,599 --> 00:03:14,323 I'll be there in five minutes. 85 00:03:14,768 --> 00:03:17,484 Yes! All right! 86 00:03:17,486 --> 00:03:19,433 He's in! Ted's a great guy. 87 00:03:19,437 --> 00:03:20,413 Y... 88 00:03:22,866 --> 00:03:24,693 You're gonna love him. 89 00:03:25,979 --> 00:03:28,924 So on March 17, 2008, 90 00:03:28,928 --> 00:03:31,431 I went to a big St. Patrick's Day party. 91 00:03:31,549 --> 00:03:33,264 And it's a good thing I did, 92 00:03:33,378 --> 00:03:34,853 because, funny story: 93 00:03:35,448 --> 00:03:36,931 your mother was there. 94 00:03:37,278 --> 00:03:39,961 Sync : Job Job Proofreading : Unfold, MiniBen314, Flovap 95 00:03:40,477 --> 00:03:43,822 Transcript : Raceman Resync : kabbage 96 00:03:44,226 --> 00:03:46,684 How I Met Your Mother 3x12 - No Tomorrow 97 00:03:47,177 --> 00:03:49,701 for the "Have You Met Team" for www.forom.com 98 00:03:54,964 --> 00:03:57,528 Hi. Have you met Ted? 99 00:03:57,542 --> 00:03:58,880 Hi. I'm Mary. 100 00:03:58,882 --> 00:04:00,378 Hi. Happy St. Patty's Day. 101 00:04:00,424 --> 00:04:01,868 I haven't met Ted, either. 102 00:04:01,873 --> 00:04:03,247 - I'm Stephanie. - Hi. 103 00:04:04,254 --> 00:04:06,949 Dude, back off. I called dibs on Stephanie. 104 00:04:06,954 --> 00:04:08,777 Okay. Mary's hot. 105 00:04:09,665 --> 00:04:10,999 Well, then I want Mary. 106 00:04:11,305 --> 00:04:12,187 Fine. 107 00:04:13,372 --> 00:04:16,199 Oh, I see. Reverse psychology. 108 00:04:16,203 --> 00:04:19,387 Then I'm sticking with Stephanie, Dr. Freud. 109 00:04:19,394 --> 00:04:20,327 Okay. 110 00:04:20,413 --> 00:04:22,258 - Which one do you want more? - Either one. 111 00:04:22,265 --> 00:04:24,107 - I want them both. - You're an idiot, 112 00:04:24,253 --> 00:04:25,767 and it may be a moot point. 113 00:04:25,772 --> 00:04:27,317 I mean, it doesn't look like we're getting in. 114 00:04:27,324 --> 00:04:28,420 Look at this. 115 00:04:28,663 --> 00:04:29,899 You know why there's a line? 116 00:04:30,004 --> 00:04:31,820 It's because I ditched Marshall and Lily, 117 00:04:31,834 --> 00:04:33,989 and now the universe is punishing us for it, 118 00:04:34,092 --> 00:04:35,169 that's why. 119 00:04:39,473 --> 00:04:40,187 Yeah. 120 00:04:42,164 --> 00:04:44,368 What's it gonna cost us to get in, $20? 121 00:04:44,674 --> 00:04:45,547 $40? 122 00:04:45,553 --> 00:04:47,669 Dude, come on, you're making the wee folk look bad. 123 00:04:47,675 --> 00:04:49,289 Just give him your pot o' gold. 124 00:04:50,102 --> 00:04:51,158 Is it just you two? 125 00:04:51,164 --> 00:04:52,668 Don't worry. We're not gonna blow your ratio. 126 00:04:52,674 --> 00:04:54,637 We happen to have two very hot girls with us. 127 00:04:55,332 --> 00:04:56,798 Mine's the hotter one. 128 00:04:57,433 --> 00:04:59,580 Look, if it was just you two, 129 00:04:59,584 --> 00:05:00,749 you could go in right now. 130 00:05:00,832 --> 00:05:02,377 We got nothing but girls in there. 131 00:05:02,442 --> 00:05:04,599 People are gonna start thinking it's a lesbian bar. 132 00:05:06,474 --> 00:05:08,299 Would you excuse us for just a minute? 133 00:05:10,884 --> 00:05:12,010 Ted, I'm gonna be honest. 134 00:05:12,015 --> 00:05:14,529 I was full of it with that whole Nostradamus thing. 135 00:05:14,593 --> 00:05:15,440 No. 136 00:05:15,444 --> 00:05:17,967 But I am starting to think there is some serious 137 00:05:17,974 --> 00:05:20,237 planetary crap going on here tonight. 138 00:05:20,252 --> 00:05:23,067 Never in the history of New York City nightclubs 139 00:05:23,072 --> 00:05:25,327 has there been a shortage of dudes, 140 00:05:25,333 --> 00:05:28,568 not even during the Great Dude Shortage of 1883. 141 00:05:28,985 --> 00:05:30,339 We got to ditch these girls. 142 00:05:30,984 --> 00:05:32,648 But you dragged them all the way down here. 143 00:05:32,653 --> 00:05:34,538 I don't see no ring on this finger. 144 00:05:35,412 --> 00:05:36,448 All right, hold on. 145 00:05:37,102 --> 00:05:38,339 Uh, excuse me? 146 00:05:38,345 --> 00:05:40,619 Are the girls in there hotter than our dates? 147 00:05:41,312 --> 00:05:42,709 I don't know if they're hotter, 148 00:05:42,724 --> 00:05:43,908 but they're drunker. 149 00:05:43,912 --> 00:05:45,317 Rock 'n' roll. 150 00:05:48,979 --> 00:05:51,670 Welcome to your dream home, my lady. 151 00:05:53,487 --> 00:05:54,572 All right, all right. 152 00:05:54,576 --> 00:05:57,023 You can put me down. Robin thinks we're weird. 153 00:05:57,036 --> 00:05:58,400 No, it's fine. 154 00:05:58,403 --> 00:06:00,550 It was only weird on the subway. 155 00:06:02,645 --> 00:06:04,629 Oh. I'm gonna check the other rooms to see 156 00:06:04,633 --> 00:06:07,458 if the previous owners left us any free stuff. 157 00:06:07,562 --> 00:06:09,417 I'm gonna hang our first piece of art. 158 00:06:09,683 --> 00:06:11,148 Oh, look, there's already a nail. 159 00:06:11,154 --> 00:06:12,668 Hey, Lil, free nail! 160 00:06:12,683 --> 00:06:14,107 Score! 161 00:06:17,524 --> 00:06:18,848 How's that? Perfect. 162 00:06:29,595 --> 00:06:31,919 Oh, now this is ridiculous. 163 00:06:31,923 --> 00:06:33,079 Is it the nail? 164 00:06:33,094 --> 00:06:33,987 Marshall? 165 00:06:33,995 --> 00:06:35,789 Is the wall slippery or something? 166 00:06:35,795 --> 00:06:36,509 Marshall. 167 00:06:36,513 --> 00:06:38,538 Is there a wind? Is there some sort of draft in here? 168 00:06:38,543 --> 00:06:39,779 - Marshall! - What? 169 00:06:40,245 --> 00:06:42,097 Your apartment's crooked. 170 00:06:42,663 --> 00:06:43,740 What do you mean? 171 00:06:48,413 --> 00:06:51,218 It was the kind of thing you didn't notice until you noticed it. 172 00:06:51,224 --> 00:06:54,309 But once you did notice it, you couldn't not notice it. 173 00:06:54,382 --> 00:06:57,447 Lily and Marshall's new apartment was crooked. 174 00:07:00,154 --> 00:07:01,287 Oh, no! 175 00:07:01,292 --> 00:07:03,080 Oh, no, no, no! 176 00:07:03,092 --> 00:07:05,217 Oh, no, no. Oh, no. 177 00:07:05,224 --> 00:07:05,917 Yes. 178 00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:09,229 Are you telling me that we just spent our entire life savings and then some on... 179 00:07:09,243 --> 00:07:10,719 on a crooked apartment? 180 00:07:10,725 --> 00:07:12,297 Oh, my God! 181 00:07:12,303 --> 00:07:13,437 No, she's gonna flip. 182 00:07:13,444 --> 00:07:14,458 Just calm down. It's gonna be fine. 183 00:07:14,465 --> 00:07:16,468 Look what I found in the kids' room! 184 00:07:16,472 --> 00:07:18,559 Free skateboard. Score! 185 00:07:18,564 --> 00:07:20,419 Free Hungry Hungry Hippos. 186 00:07:20,423 --> 00:07:23,007 Double score! I'm gonna check the kitchen! 187 00:07:23,015 --> 00:07:24,958 Okay. How could she not notice this? 188 00:07:24,962 --> 00:07:27,410 It's like the last 20 minutes of Titanic in here. 189 00:07:27,882 --> 00:07:29,557 We have to keep this quiet. 190 00:07:29,564 --> 00:07:32,180 If Lily finds out her new dream house is crooked, it's gonna... 191 00:07:32,185 --> 00:07:33,507 it's gonna break her heart. 192 00:07:33,963 --> 00:07:35,738 Free salad strainer! 193 00:07:35,744 --> 00:07:37,508 I love this place. 194 00:07:37,975 --> 00:07:39,808 Just for tonight, okay? 195 00:07:39,813 --> 00:07:40,939 Okay. 196 00:07:41,663 --> 00:07:43,767 But it's gonna be an uphill battle. 197 00:07:44,592 --> 00:07:48,278 I am just saying we have to think of the right angle. 198 00:07:49,482 --> 00:07:51,727 I have a third one, but I'm not gonna say it. 199 00:07:53,165 --> 00:07:55,919 Okay, Barney, I think we've stumbled into some kind of ethical, 200 00:07:55,924 --> 00:07:57,280 philosophical wormhole. 201 00:07:57,294 --> 00:07:58,467 - Green suit. - Yeah. 202 00:07:58,473 --> 00:08:00,167 I ditched Marshall and Lily, 203 00:08:00,173 --> 00:08:02,410 and was rewarded with two beautiful girls. 204 00:08:02,412 --> 00:08:03,579 Suit's made of green. 205 00:08:03,585 --> 00:08:05,910 We bailed on those two beautiful girls, 206 00:08:05,913 --> 00:08:08,900 and now we're being rewarded with a sea of beautiful girls. 207 00:08:08,904 --> 00:08:10,469 38 long. 208 00:08:11,004 --> 00:08:13,858 It's like the laws of the universe are working in reverse. 209 00:08:13,862 --> 00:08:15,997 - Can you put it on my tab? - Yeah. What's the last name? 210 00:08:16,002 --> 00:08:16,817 Garrido. 211 00:08:18,334 --> 00:08:20,590 All right, I'm gonna try something, and if this works... 212 00:08:20,665 --> 00:08:21,398 Uh, hey. 213 00:08:21,402 --> 00:08:22,580 Hey, what can I get you guys? 214 00:08:22,583 --> 00:08:24,698 A bottle of Dom Perignon, and can you put it on my tab? 215 00:08:24,775 --> 00:08:25,859 Sure. What's the name? 216 00:08:25,863 --> 00:08:27,430 - Garrido. - Dude! 217 00:08:27,444 --> 00:08:30,117 Oh, uh, yeah, you're right. Uh, make it two bottles. 218 00:08:30,135 --> 00:08:31,010 Two. 219 00:08:31,493 --> 00:08:33,627 Now we wait, see if something good happens... 220 00:08:33,793 --> 00:08:34,920 Oh! Hello! 221 00:08:34,923 --> 00:08:36,110 St. Patrick's Day tradition. 222 00:08:36,114 --> 00:08:38,409 If you're not wearing green, you got to get pinched. 223 00:08:38,415 --> 00:08:40,177 Well, I guess I got what I deserved. 224 00:08:40,184 --> 00:08:41,497 I'm not wearing green, either. 225 00:08:41,503 --> 00:08:44,880 This is, um, deep teal. 226 00:08:44,883 --> 00:08:47,588 - The lighting makes it... - Uh, I'm Ted. 227 00:08:47,595 --> 00:08:50,128 Ashlee with two "e"s. 228 00:08:50,134 --> 00:08:52,398 Please. "C"s at most. 229 00:08:52,402 --> 00:08:54,430 You know, you guys should come join me and my friends. 230 00:08:54,432 --> 00:08:58,650 We have a bottle of tequila and shockingly deep belly buttons. 231 00:09:00,015 --> 00:09:02,860 Okay, it's official: do bad things, good things happen. 232 00:09:04,415 --> 00:09:05,778 Ted, listen. 233 00:09:05,794 --> 00:09:08,028 Are you hearing that? That's the universe. 234 00:09:08,034 --> 00:09:10,049 The universe is talking to us. 235 00:09:10,053 --> 00:09:12,118 We don't have to build a baseball field, do we? 236 00:09:12,402 --> 00:09:17,140 No. The universe is telling us that we have a free pass tonight. 237 00:09:17,145 --> 00:09:21,780 The universe is saying that we don't have to live in fear of the... 238 00:09:21,785 --> 00:09:23,299 - Are you still there? - Yeah, I'm here. 239 00:09:23,302 --> 00:09:26,087 ...of the repercussions of our actions. 240 00:09:26,275 --> 00:09:28,549 There is no waiting for tomorrow, 241 00:09:28,552 --> 00:09:30,278 because do you know why, Ted? 242 00:09:33,035 --> 00:09:35,527 There is no tomorrow. 243 00:09:36,572 --> 00:09:38,057 No tomorrow, huh? 244 00:09:38,062 --> 00:09:39,569 By the way, Mr. Garrido, 245 00:09:39,703 --> 00:09:43,360 second bottle of champagne gets you a complimentary ounce of caviar. 246 00:09:43,493 --> 00:09:44,380 Enjoy. 247 00:09:47,932 --> 00:09:50,308 - No tomorrow! - No tomorrow! 248 00:09:50,312 --> 00:09:51,799 No tomorrow! 249 00:09:51,855 --> 00:09:54,320 Hey, I wonder what the grown-ups are doing right now. 250 00:09:59,665 --> 00:10:01,369 I win again. 251 00:10:01,442 --> 00:10:03,227 Why do I keep winning? 252 00:10:03,712 --> 00:10:06,900 Maybe your hippo is just hungrier hungrier than ours. 253 00:10:06,905 --> 00:10:07,627 That's it. 254 00:10:07,632 --> 00:10:09,258 That's what it is. It's not gravity, 255 00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:10,588 that's for sure. I'll tell you that. 256 00:10:12,725 --> 00:10:14,209 What was that? 257 00:10:19,005 --> 00:10:20,700 What's going on here? 258 00:10:23,285 --> 00:10:24,377 Okay, Lily... 259 00:10:25,355 --> 00:10:28,240 while you were in the other room, Robin and I, 260 00:10:28,692 --> 00:10:31,018 we discovered something about the apartment. 261 00:10:31,024 --> 00:10:32,128 It's not a big deal. 262 00:10:32,264 --> 00:10:34,687 It's not like a disaster. It's just... 263 00:10:34,694 --> 00:10:37,077 It's something that we're going to have to learn to live with. 264 00:10:41,185 --> 00:10:43,307 Robin and I saw a ghost. 265 00:10:43,962 --> 00:10:44,910 What? 266 00:10:45,373 --> 00:10:47,018 Oh, he's kidding, right? 267 00:10:47,294 --> 00:10:49,747 No, we really saw a ghost. 268 00:10:49,955 --> 00:10:51,437 What did it look like? 269 00:10:52,142 --> 00:10:55,170 Uh, a sheet with two holes in it. 270 00:10:56,214 --> 00:10:58,170 He was a Confederate general 271 00:10:58,175 --> 00:11:00,549 who was wounded at the Battle of Antietam, 272 00:11:00,564 --> 00:11:05,130 and he died at the army hospital which once stood on this very spot. 273 00:11:05,183 --> 00:11:07,237 And now he wanders these halls, 274 00:11:07,243 --> 00:11:10,977 vowing revenge against the Union cannonade hat once felled him. 275 00:11:11,233 --> 00:11:13,439 But he seems nice. He's a good-good guy. 276 00:11:14,145 --> 00:11:18,237 Marshall, you see ghosts everywhere. You see ghosts at Starbucks. 277 00:11:18,455 --> 00:11:22,320 That Kenny G holiday CD just flew off the shelf. 278 00:11:22,335 --> 00:11:23,720 Last time that happened. 279 00:11:24,332 --> 00:11:26,380 But, Robin, you're a skeptic, 280 00:11:26,382 --> 00:11:28,760 so if you say you saw a ghost... 281 00:11:30,984 --> 00:11:32,908 It passed right through me, 282 00:11:32,914 --> 00:11:36,499 and suddenly I felt cold, so very cold. 283 00:11:39,995 --> 00:11:42,269 You know, Ashlee, I'm sorry. 284 00:11:42,272 --> 00:11:44,337 You're probably just gonna want to get up and walk away, 285 00:11:44,345 --> 00:11:47,357 but I just have to test out this theory I've been working on. 286 00:11:47,934 --> 00:11:50,829 Tonight, I am not looking for a relationship. 287 00:11:50,832 --> 00:11:53,180 I really just want to hook up with you, 288 00:11:53,183 --> 00:11:55,410 leave before breakfast, and never see you again. 289 00:11:57,615 --> 00:11:58,848 I'm in. 290 00:11:58,855 --> 00:12:00,747 Unbelievable. 291 00:12:02,574 --> 00:12:04,829 Hot damn, that's a deep navel. 292 00:12:05,003 --> 00:12:06,518 No tomorrow, Ted. 293 00:12:06,525 --> 00:12:08,428 Yeah, no tomorrow, Barney. 294 00:12:09,004 --> 00:12:10,659 No tomorrow, huh? 295 00:12:11,125 --> 00:12:12,980 I like that idea. 296 00:12:13,384 --> 00:12:15,888 Because if there is a tomorrow, 297 00:12:15,945 --> 00:12:18,010 I'm gonna be in a lot of trouble. 298 00:12:18,012 --> 00:12:20,267 Oh, yeah? Why is that? 299 00:12:20,284 --> 00:12:21,990 I'm married. 300 00:12:26,560 --> 00:12:28,744 Tell me you're messing with me, guys. 301 00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:30,715 You didn't actually see a ghost. 302 00:12:30,719 --> 00:12:33,355 It's not a big deal, baby. He seemed friendly. 303 00:12:33,820 --> 00:12:36,673 You said he's a Confederate general. They're the bad guys. 304 00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:38,342 And he's probably racist. 305 00:12:38,349 --> 00:12:40,585 No, he seemed polite. 306 00:12:40,588 --> 00:12:43,203 He had courtly Southern manners. 307 00:12:43,209 --> 00:12:45,223 We're gonna raise our kids here. 308 00:12:45,228 --> 00:12:49,202 I don't want some Confederate general ghost teaching them his racism. 309 00:12:49,208 --> 00:12:52,673 He loves people of all colors and creeds. 310 00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:54,624 He was fighting for states' rights, that's all. 311 00:12:54,629 --> 00:12:56,365 Robin said he was wearing a sheet. 312 00:12:56,377 --> 00:12:58,103 What do you think that means? 313 00:12:58,127 --> 00:12:59,963 The apartment is crooked. 314 00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:02,012 What? 315 00:13:04,127 --> 00:13:06,675 Robin and I didn't see a ghost. 316 00:13:09,540 --> 00:13:11,875 The floor is crooked, isn't it? 317 00:13:12,618 --> 00:13:13,633 Yeah. 318 00:13:14,827 --> 00:13:18,345 We spent our entire life's savings on this floor. 319 00:13:18,789 --> 00:13:23,172 The next 30 mortgage-paying years of our lives will be spent 320 00:13:23,249 --> 00:13:25,743 on this floor, and it's crooked. 321 00:13:32,477 --> 00:13:34,384 Thanks a lot, Robin. 322 00:13:36,498 --> 00:13:40,354 How is "racist ghost" better than "crooked"? 323 00:13:41,109 --> 00:13:43,742 Seriously, somebody tell me how that's better. 324 00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:47,564 Oh, I'm sorry. 325 00:13:47,567 --> 00:13:49,083 Oh, that's okay. 326 00:13:49,089 --> 00:13:52,025 Um, dude, so, I'm having second thoughts about that theory. 327 00:13:52,027 --> 00:13:55,664 I'm telling you, if you want to know how old a woman is, check her elbows. 328 00:13:55,698 --> 00:13:56,863 Not that theory. 329 00:13:56,867 --> 00:13:59,935 You have to be more specific, Ted, 'cause I have so many theories. 330 00:13:59,948 --> 00:14:02,805 The whole do bad, good things happen... 331 00:14:02,807 --> 00:14:05,332 - Ashlee is married. - So? 332 00:14:05,339 --> 00:14:06,785 What do you mean, so? 333 00:14:06,910 --> 00:14:08,704 Open your brain tank, brah, 334 00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:12,345 'cause here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge. 335 00:14:12,349 --> 00:14:14,013 There's three rules of cheating: 336 00:14:14,017 --> 00:14:16,403 It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married, 337 00:14:16,407 --> 00:14:19,784 it's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels, 338 00:14:19,790 --> 00:14:22,302 and it's not cheating if she's from a different area code. 339 00:14:22,310 --> 00:14:23,742 You're fine on all three counts. 340 00:14:23,748 --> 00:14:25,775 How do you know she's from a different area code? 341 00:14:25,778 --> 00:14:27,884 She's 516. 342 00:14:27,887 --> 00:14:31,012 She might dress like she's 718, act like she's 212, 343 00:14:31,847 --> 00:14:33,162 but trust me, she's 516. 344 00:14:33,168 --> 00:14:34,503 Oh, and her husband... 345 00:14:34,509 --> 00:14:36,742 letting her out alone on Saint Patty's Day? 346 00:14:36,748 --> 00:14:40,004 If that dude's not 973, I'm 307. 347 00:14:41,537 --> 00:14:42,802 Wyoming. 348 00:14:47,089 --> 00:14:49,275 We're gonna have to nail down all our furniture. 349 00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:51,683 We won't be able to get a pinball machine. 350 00:14:51,788 --> 00:14:55,124 I mean, unless we put some books under two of the legs or something. 351 00:14:55,129 --> 00:14:56,853 But then what if we want to read those books? 352 00:14:56,859 --> 00:14:58,604 This is a nightmare. 353 00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:02,042 We can't raise our kids here. They'll grow up slanted. 354 00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:04,923 If we have a daughter, we'll have to call her Eileen. 355 00:15:06,029 --> 00:15:08,704 I don't think we can live here, Marshall. 356 00:15:09,178 --> 00:15:11,255 I don't know what we're gonna do. 357 00:15:11,868 --> 00:15:13,144 Marshall? 358 00:15:13,730 --> 00:15:15,162 Open the door. 359 00:15:25,609 --> 00:15:28,392 If I make it through the door, that's five points. 360 00:15:29,898 --> 00:15:32,423 Woo-hoo! 361 00:15:32,477 --> 00:15:33,692 Yeah! 362 00:15:34,838 --> 00:15:36,132 Five points. 363 00:15:36,138 --> 00:15:38,535 Ten bucks says I can do it backwards. 364 00:15:38,587 --> 00:15:42,475 So Lily and Marshall decided to make the best of a bad situation. 365 00:15:42,477 --> 00:15:46,253 And that's also how the sport of Apartment Roller Luge was invented. 366 00:15:46,259 --> 00:15:49,874 Very careful baby ! Oh yeah ! 367 00:15:49,879 --> 00:15:52,632 So she's married? It's not like she has kids. 368 00:15:52,637 --> 00:15:53,854 How do you know? 369 00:15:54,069 --> 00:15:54,995 Wrists. 370 00:15:55,007 --> 00:15:57,272 It's like you don't even listen to me. 371 00:16:00,300 --> 00:16:01,492 Where'd you go? 372 00:16:01,500 --> 00:16:02,804 Well, I just, um... 373 00:16:02,810 --> 00:16:05,453 - Was it something I said? - No, no, no, it's just, well... 374 00:16:05,457 --> 00:16:09,594 you're married and-and we've been drinking, and I was worried we might... 375 00:16:10,958 --> 00:16:13,314 Oh, this is a very bad idea. 376 00:16:15,137 --> 00:16:17,782 - We have a problem. - Hey, hey. Hey. 377 00:16:17,828 --> 00:16:19,543 Hey. 378 00:16:19,608 --> 00:16:21,214 Is this your husband? 379 00:16:21,307 --> 00:16:23,493 I've never seen this man in my life. 380 00:16:23,778 --> 00:16:25,944 Oh, okay. Uh, what's our problem? 381 00:16:26,010 --> 00:16:28,022 Rick. Rick Garrido. 382 00:16:28,029 --> 00:16:29,863 According to the bartender, I'm the guy 383 00:16:29,869 --> 00:16:32,034 that's been buying you champagne all night. 384 00:16:32,219 --> 00:16:36,015 Okay, there's-there's a very simple explana... 385 00:16:36,017 --> 00:16:39,102 Next thing I know the police show up, they arrest the other guy, 386 00:16:39,108 --> 00:16:41,533 and I'm drinking for free the rest of the night. 387 00:16:41,550 --> 00:16:43,802 It was awesome. 388 00:16:44,798 --> 00:16:46,105 Awesome, huh? 389 00:16:46,318 --> 00:16:47,294 Yeah 390 00:16:47,717 --> 00:16:49,933 You don't see anything wrong with that story? 391 00:16:50,198 --> 00:16:52,603 Well, I lost my new phone back at the club somewhere. 392 00:16:52,617 --> 00:16:54,934 What the hell is wrong with you, dude? 393 00:16:55,099 --> 00:16:56,965 You know me, I lose things. 394 00:16:57,018 --> 00:16:59,703 You kissed a married woman, Ted. 395 00:16:59,708 --> 00:17:02,254 You committed credit card fraud. 396 00:17:02,299 --> 00:17:06,055 You... you kissed a married woman. Do you know how offensive that is to me? 397 00:17:06,057 --> 00:17:07,675 You're turning into Barney. 398 00:17:07,678 --> 00:17:09,415 We don't need another Barney. 399 00:17:09,909 --> 00:17:10,864 Look... 400 00:17:10,978 --> 00:17:12,983 it's Saint Patty's Day. 401 00:17:13,269 --> 00:17:15,524 It wasn't as bad as it sounds. 402 00:17:15,527 --> 00:17:17,593 - "It wasn't as bad as it sounds"? - No. 403 00:17:17,597 --> 00:17:18,793 Huh? Okay... 404 00:17:18,840 --> 00:17:21,694 I want you to hear exactly how it sounds, Ted. 405 00:17:23,078 --> 00:17:26,465 First skipped message: I don't see no ring on this finger. 406 00:17:26,470 --> 00:17:28,675 And then last night started coming back to me: 407 00:17:28,970 --> 00:17:29,924 The real version. 408 00:17:30,907 --> 00:17:33,433 Are the girls in there hotter than our dates ? 409 00:17:33,677 --> 00:17:36,405 I don't know if they're hotter, but they're drunker. 410 00:17:36,848 --> 00:17:38,864 Rock 'n' roll. 411 00:17:42,477 --> 00:17:44,743 - How many messages did I... - Seventeen... 412 00:17:45,927 --> 00:17:49,585 Kids, it's sometimes possible to think you're doing just fine in life... 413 00:17:49,598 --> 00:17:52,502 Next message: Can you put it on my tab? 414 00:17:53,207 --> 00:17:54,903 Sure, what's the last name? 415 00:17:55,067 --> 00:17:56,503 Garrido. 416 00:17:56,509 --> 00:17:58,903 ...and then someone opens your eyes a little bit, 417 00:17:58,909 --> 00:18:00,165 and you realize... 418 00:18:00,178 --> 00:18:01,542 Next message: 419 00:18:01,547 --> 00:18:03,362 I really want to hook up with you, 420 00:18:03,368 --> 00:18:06,005 leave before breakfast, and then never see you again. 421 00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:08,495 ...your whole world is off balance... 422 00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:10,435 Next message : 423 00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:11,495 ...out of whack... 424 00:18:11,499 --> 00:18:13,644 Okay, look, brah, 425 00:18:13,649 --> 00:18:16,194 there is a very simple explana... 426 00:18:16,619 --> 00:18:18,075 ...crooked. 427 00:18:22,358 --> 00:18:24,094 That was hard to listen to. 428 00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:28,542 No one likes how they sound on an answering machine. 429 00:18:30,678 --> 00:18:32,085 Thanks for doing that. 430 00:18:35,377 --> 00:18:36,972 You yelled at me. 431 00:18:37,087 --> 00:18:39,133 You got very firm with me. 432 00:18:39,138 --> 00:18:40,245 Very confident. 433 00:18:40,609 --> 00:18:41,762 It was cool. 434 00:18:42,058 --> 00:18:43,302 Thanks. 435 00:18:43,598 --> 00:18:45,545 - You're very sexy when you yell, Marshall. - Shut up. 436 00:18:46,257 --> 00:18:48,264 Veins, crazy muscles in your neck. 437 00:18:48,269 --> 00:18:50,325 You look like a Kentucky Derby-winning steed. 438 00:18:50,329 --> 00:18:51,643 You're ruining a nice moment. 439 00:18:51,649 --> 00:18:53,862 At one point, I swear, I thought we were gonna kiss. 440 00:18:53,870 --> 00:18:55,574 Ted, seriously. 441 00:18:56,128 --> 00:18:57,434 I'm married. 442 00:19:00,790 --> 00:19:02,305 Oh... a slanted floor. 443 00:19:02,327 --> 00:19:04,575 Architecturally speaking, fixing that's going to be... 444 00:19:04,578 --> 00:19:07,302 Very, very, very expensive. 445 00:19:07,319 --> 00:19:10,112 And it's gonna take some time, too, so 446 00:19:10,119 --> 00:19:13,194 it looks like you're stuck with us for a little while longer, if that's okay. 447 00:19:13,417 --> 00:19:14,484 Are you kidding? 448 00:19:14,490 --> 00:19:15,414 I love it. 449 00:19:15,418 --> 00:19:18,184 I don't know what's gonna happen to me without you guys around. 450 00:19:18,187 --> 00:19:19,045 Where are you going? 451 00:19:19,089 --> 00:19:21,592 I'm going to get my stupid phone. 452 00:19:22,807 --> 00:19:25,765 So that was Saint Patrick's Day, 2008. 453 00:19:25,770 --> 00:19:28,803 I found out years later that your mom was at that party. 454 00:19:28,808 --> 00:19:30,372 I just didn't meet her. 455 00:19:30,458 --> 00:19:32,462 And it's a good thing I didn't, 456 00:19:32,467 --> 00:19:35,393 'cause if I had met her, I don't think she would have liked me. 457 00:19:35,428 --> 00:19:37,514 Heck, I don't think I liked me. 458 00:19:37,587 --> 00:19:39,052 But that's okay. 459 00:19:39,238 --> 00:19:40,454 Tomorrow had arrived. 460 00:19:40,459 --> 00:19:43,765 NADA SURF - Beautiful Beat *Leave me alone, and there'll be* 461 00:19:43,767 --> 00:19:49,715 * No one to get hurt * 462 00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:58,535 *Nobody move and there'll be Nothin' to disturb* 463 00:19:58,540 --> 00:20:08,285 *The sum of it all is that you Don't know where to turn* 464 00:20:08,287 --> 00:20:16,384 *Despite all your promises you Don't keep what you learn* 465 00:20:16,397 --> 00:20:18,503 You see, I didn't know it yet, 466 00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:21,923 but my luck was about to change. 467 00:20:21,930 --> 00:20:27,332 *Beautiful beat get me out of this mess* 468 00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:48,085 I'm awesome!