1 00:00:00,680 --> 00:00:04,080 Kids,the spring of 2008 was a pretty great time for me 2 00:00:04,550 --> 00:00:05,990 Stella and I had started dating, 3 00:00:06,090 --> 00:00:07,580 And I'd just gotten a big raise at work, 4 00:00:07,660 --> 00:00:09,200 So I decided to purchase something I knew 5 00:00:09,260 --> 00:00:10,800 Would be the envy of all my friends. 6 00:00:10,860 --> 00:00:12,600 A new car! 7 00:00:12,660 --> 00:00:15,560 Ted, this is New York city-- you're never gonna drive it. 8 00:00:15,630 --> 00:00:17,730 This is a really, really stupid purchase, 9 00:00:17,730 --> 00:00:21,200 And I'm sorry, but none of us can support it. 10 00:00:21,260 --> 00:00:22,400 Shotgun for eternity! 11 00:00:22,460 --> 00:00:23,800 You can't call shotgun for eternity. 12 00:00:23,860 --> 00:00:25,000 I just called it. 13 00:00:25,060 --> 00:00:27,000 You can't just call things, barney. 14 00:00:27,060 --> 00:00:28,200 I call that I can call things! 15 00:00:28,260 --> 00:00:29,200 Hey, baby. 16 00:00:29,260 --> 00:00:31,500 Beer. 17 00:00:32,460 --> 00:00:33,830 Are you okay? 18 00:00:33,900 --> 00:00:36,960 Beer. 19 00:00:42,730 --> 00:00:44,160 Okay, what happened? 20 00:00:44,230 --> 00:00:46,730 They always told me that working at a big law firm 21 00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:48,260 Was like being at war. 22 00:00:48,330 --> 00:00:49,700 You get out of law school, 23 00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:51,330 It's like getting out of boot camp. 24 00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:53,430 That first day at work, you're storming the beaches, 25 00:00:53,500 --> 00:00:55,200 Full of piss and vinegar... 26 00:00:55,260 --> 00:00:56,900 Dude, we're lawyers now. 27 00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:58,100 Totally. 28 00:00:58,160 --> 00:00:59,460 We've got briefcases and everything. 29 00:00:59,530 --> 00:01:01,030 Freakin' briefcases. 30 00:01:01,100 --> 00:01:02,460 You have anything in yours? 31 00:01:02,530 --> 00:01:03,930 Totally empty. you? 32 00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:05,100 Candy bars. 33 00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:11,730 Then you get in the trenches side by side with your buddies 34 00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:13,600 And you feel a sense of camaraderie. 35 00:01:13,660 --> 00:01:15,130 But before too long... 36 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:16,260 Hey, Marshall. 37 00:01:16,330 --> 00:01:17,300 ...the shells start to fall. 38 00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:18,560 Hello, Arthur. 39 00:01:19,930 --> 00:01:21,430 Arthur Hobbes is one of the senior partners 40 00:01:21,500 --> 00:01:23,860 At my firm, and he's... he's my boss. 41 00:01:24,900 --> 00:01:26,060 He seems like a nice guy, 42 00:01:26,130 --> 00:01:27,230 But he's got a nickname... 43 00:01:28,060 --> 00:01:29,930 Artillery Arthur. 44 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:31,500 How's your morning going? 45 00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:33,400 It's going fine-- how is yours? 46 00:01:33,460 --> 00:01:34,930 Not too bad, not too bad. 47 00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:37,000 Hey, is Ferguson in yet? 48 00:01:37,060 --> 00:01:39,060 He is, he's in... just in his office next door. 49 00:01:39,130 --> 00:01:41,300 That's great-- have a good one, buddy. 50 00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:42,560 You, too. 51 00:01:44,500 --> 00:01:46,300 You never know who's gonna get hit... 52 00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:47,760 Hey, Ferguson! 53 00:01:47,830 --> 00:01:50,260 I read your report, and it's complete crap! 54 00:01:50,330 --> 00:01:52,300 No, you know what? that's an insult to crap. 55 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:55,760 If crap could eat and then crap stuff out, it's that! 56 00:01:55,830 --> 00:01:59,360 Your report is the crap that crap craps! 57 00:01:59,430 --> 00:02:02,000 If you last two more days here, I'll be shocked! 58 00:02:02,060 --> 00:02:03,200 Shocked! 59 00:02:05,360 --> 00:02:06,900 It was brutal, 60 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:09,030 But the worst was a few minutes later. 61 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:12,130 Did you hear that? 62 00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:15,860 Yeah, sorry. 63 00:02:15,930 --> 00:02:17,360 Can you believe he did that 64 00:02:17,430 --> 00:02:19,930 On take your daughter to work day? 65 00:02:23,660 --> 00:02:25,230 So that brings us to today. 66 00:02:25,300 --> 00:02:26,700 Oh, no. 67 00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:27,800 A little background. 68 00:02:27,860 --> 00:02:29,300 So I'm working on this report 69 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:32,830 Called "using 23-b-3 spurious class action precedent 70 00:02:32,900 --> 00:02:34,830 "to contest a class certification order 71 00:02:34,900 --> 00:02:37,330 Based on a lack of commonality, numerosity..." 72 00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:38,630 Dude, you lost us. 73 00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:39,760 Can't you just call it something cool 74 00:02:39,830 --> 00:02:40,960 Like "the Ninja Report"? 75 00:02:41,030 --> 00:02:43,860 Okay. yeah, fine, whatever. 76 00:02:43,930 --> 00:02:45,030 Um, so I'm supposed 77 00:02:45,100 --> 00:02:46,460 To turn in "the Ninja Report" yesterday. 78 00:02:46,530 --> 00:02:48,130 -Awesome. -wow. cool. 79 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:50,660 But I got insanely busy with other stuff, 80 00:02:50,730 --> 00:02:52,760 I didn't get a chance to finish it, 81 00:02:52,830 --> 00:02:54,630 And then this morning... 82 00:02:54,700 --> 00:02:56,130 -Hey, Ferguson. -hey, Arthur. 83 00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:57,460 How's your day going? 84 00:02:57,530 --> 00:02:59,600 -I gotta go. -great. how is yours? 85 00:02:59,660 --> 00:03:01,300 Great, great-- hey, is Marshall in yet? 86 00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:03,000 Oh, thank god. 87 00:03:03,060 --> 00:03:05,400 Yeah, he's right in there. 88 00:03:05,460 --> 00:03:07,000 Fantastic. have a good one, buddy. 89 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:12,100 And then... 90 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:13,600 He screamed at me. 91 00:03:13,660 --> 00:03:15,760 Oh, baby, I'm so sorry. 92 00:03:15,830 --> 00:03:17,400 What, that's it? 93 00:03:17,460 --> 00:03:20,660 You're upset because a guy talked loudly near you? 94 00:03:20,730 --> 00:03:22,160 Barney, I have never been screamed at 95 00:03:22,230 --> 00:03:23,830 Like that in my life. 96 00:03:23,900 --> 00:03:26,030 Come on, when's the last time you got screamed at at work? 97 00:03:26,100 --> 00:03:27,960 I got screamed at three times today. 98 00:03:28,030 --> 00:03:29,300 Once in Korean. 99 00:03:31,060 --> 00:03:32,430 This is corporate America, Marshall. 100 00:03:32,500 --> 00:03:34,230 Screaming is a motivational tool, 101 00:03:34,300 --> 00:03:36,600 Like Christmas bonuses or sexual harassment. 102 00:03:36,660 --> 00:03:38,760 It's just good business. 103 00:03:38,830 --> 00:03:41,930 Oh, baby, it's just not fair. 104 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:44,000 You've been working so hard. 105 00:03:44,060 --> 00:03:47,330 Late nights, weekends. 106 00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:49,530 I never see you. 107 00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:54,630 We've barely made love in weeks. 108 00:03:58,260 --> 00:04:00,860 It's bad, guys,mama needs her sugar. 109 00:04:00,930 --> 00:04:04,300 Look, Marshall, he screamed at you, you took it. 110 00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:05,930 He probably respects you more for it. 111 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:09,030 Yeah, about that... 112 00:04:09,100 --> 00:04:13,130 So Arthur's busy giving me the full screaming treatment... 113 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:16,360 Face turning red, 114 00:04:16,430 --> 00:04:19,000 Vein in his forehead about to burst, 115 00:04:19,060 --> 00:04:22,630 Spittle flying like shrapnel. 116 00:04:22,700 --> 00:04:24,230 Everyone you work with walking by your office, 117 00:04:24,300 --> 00:04:26,830 Peering in. 118 00:04:30,030 --> 00:04:33,330 And suddenly, I just felt all of it. 119 00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:34,500 All of what? 120 00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:35,930 All of it. 121 00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:38,600 The fact that I became a lawyer to save the environment, 122 00:04:38,660 --> 00:04:40,730 And now I'm working for the bad guys instead. 123 00:04:41,830 --> 00:04:43,530 The fact that I am stuck in this job 124 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:45,200 Because of a mortgage I can barely afford 125 00:04:45,260 --> 00:04:47,130 On an apartment that is crooked. 126 00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:48,560 The fact that I am a grown man, 127 00:04:48,660 --> 00:04:51,260 and nobody, not even artillery Arthur, 128 00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:53,160 Has the right to talk to me like that! 129 00:04:54,500 --> 00:04:57,000 I begged my body not to do it. 130 00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:00,230 But it was no use. 131 00:05:06,330 --> 00:05:09,500 I just... I just... 132 00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:17,630 Just because you weren't around for this, 133 00:05:17,700 --> 00:05:20,060 I called shotgun for all eternity in Ted's car. 134 00:05:36,230 --> 00:05:39,860 dude I can't believe you cried in front of your boss. 135 00:05:39,930 --> 00:05:41,360 I don't know what happened. 136 00:05:41,430 --> 00:05:43,300 There's just something about being yelled at like that, 137 00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:46,060 Like I was being scolded by my dad. 138 00:05:46,130 --> 00:05:48,730 Suddenly... suddenly I was a little boy. 139 00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:51,230 Is "boy" the right word? 140 00:05:51,300 --> 00:05:54,100 I felt absolutely powerless. 141 00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:57,230 Flaccid-- hell, I... I felt castrated. 142 00:05:57,300 --> 00:05:58,800 God, you're hot right now. 143 00:05:58,860 --> 00:06:02,230 And the worst thing is, tomorrow morning I have to walk 144 00:06:02,300 --> 00:06:04,600 Into Arthur's office and give him the Ninja Report. 145 00:06:04,660 --> 00:06:06,730 Ooh. ooh. Ninjas are cool. 146 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:09,260 How the hell am I supposed to face this guy again? 147 00:06:09,330 --> 00:06:12,000 Here's what I would do if I were you. 148 00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:14,730 Hi, Arthur. 149 00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:16,100 Hello, Marshall. 150 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:18,060 Have you finally finished the Ninja Report? 151 00:06:18,130 --> 00:06:20,100 Yeah, I got it. 152 00:06:20,830 --> 00:06:21,930 Right here. 153 00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:26,660 I think it's gonna blow you away. 154 00:06:26,730 --> 00:06:29,730 Please, I have a family. 155 00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:31,600 So we good? 156 00:06:31,660 --> 00:06:33,100 We're so good. 157 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,530 Then why are you still in my office? 158 00:06:41,230 --> 00:06:43,960 Okay, gun violence might be the answer to everything 159 00:06:44,030 --> 00:06:45,900 Up in Canada, Robin, 160 00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:49,160 But here in America, we solve our problems with words. 161 00:06:49,230 --> 00:06:52,000 Marshall, you go in and you dazzle this guy 162 00:06:52,060 --> 00:06:54,860 With a big eloquent speech defending human dignity. 163 00:06:54,930 --> 00:06:56,500 Like Abraham Lincoln. 164 00:06:56,560 --> 00:06:59,900 Yeah, because it's so easy just to bust out a big, 165 00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:02,130 Eloquent speech off the top of your head. 166 00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:04,160 Observe. 167 00:07:04,230 --> 00:07:05,460 Arthur? 168 00:07:05,530 --> 00:07:06,530 What do you want, Marshall? 169 00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:09,030 Justice, sir. 170 00:07:09,100 --> 00:07:11,300 You see, we are all born with certain incontrovertible rights, 171 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:13,300 The most fundamentally paramount of which 172 00:07:13,360 --> 00:07:15,700 Is the right... 173 00:07:15,760 --> 00:07:17,860 Wait, you can't be fundamentally paramount. 174 00:07:17,930 --> 00:07:19,600 One means highest, one means lowest. 175 00:07:19,660 --> 00:07:21,700 You are nailing this. 176 00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:23,630 Human beings have rights, 177 00:07:23,700 --> 00:07:26,730 And those rights are, um... 178 00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:28,900 You got me hooked, reel me in. 179 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:30,660 There are certain justices 180 00:07:30,730 --> 00:07:32,630 That cannot or will not 181 00:07:32,700 --> 00:07:36,000 Be inalienable... as such... 182 00:07:36,060 --> 00:07:37,460 For the future. 183 00:07:37,530 --> 00:07:39,730 Stuck the landing-- bravo! 184 00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:40,730 Thank you. 185 00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:45,560 Security's gonna rough you up a bit on t way out. 186 00:07:48,730 --> 00:07:51,630 Guys, guys, this is not helping, okay? 187 00:07:51,700 --> 00:07:54,100 I can't have some big confrontation with Arthur. 188 00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:56,760 I need this job, i... I need the money. 189 00:07:56,830 --> 00:07:58,900 Yeah, but how good would it feel to walk in there tomorrow, 190 00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:00,000 Tell him off and then quit? 191 00:08:00,060 --> 00:08:01,430 It's great to fantasize about, 192 00:08:01,500 --> 00:08:03,500 But nobody ever actually does it. 193 00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:05,060 Gary Blauman did it. 194 00:08:05,130 --> 00:08:08,260 Guy I used to work with, the guy's a legend now. 195 00:08:08,330 --> 00:08:10,000 We were at the morning meeting 196 00:08:10,060 --> 00:08:13,060 and old Blauman was getting reamed out but good. 197 00:08:13,130 --> 00:08:14,430 Pretty much routine 198 00:08:14,500 --> 00:08:16,000 At the morning meeting, but then, 199 00:08:16,060 --> 00:08:19,030 On this particular day, something amazing happened. 200 00:08:19,100 --> 00:08:20,430 You made yourself look bad, 201 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,660 You made this company look bad, and quite frankly, 202 00:08:22,730 --> 00:08:26,260 You made our friends, the North Koreans, look bad! 203 00:08:26,330 --> 00:08:27,760 And I'll tell you something else, 204 00:08:27,830 --> 00:08:29,600 Blauman, if you think for one moment... 205 00:08:29,660 --> 00:08:31,200 You know what, Bilson? 206 00:08:31,260 --> 00:08:32,960 You can kiss my ass. 207 00:08:33,030 --> 00:08:35,200 Oh, snap. 208 00:08:35,260 --> 00:08:37,030 -What? -you heard me. 209 00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:39,530 I don't need to take your crap anymore. 210 00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:41,860 My cousin's website went public today, 211 00:08:41,930 --> 00:08:43,900 And I made a pile of money on the IPO, 212 00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:47,000 so you know what I think of this whole damn company? 213 00:08:51,130 --> 00:08:52,360 Oh, my god. 214 00:08:52,430 --> 00:08:54,200 He peed on the conference table? 215 00:08:56,230 --> 00:08:57,500 Come on, come on, come on, 216 00:08:57,560 --> 00:09:00,000 Come on, come on, come on, come on. 217 00:09:00,060 --> 00:09:03,000 Uh, look, could you guys just look away for a second 218 00:09:03,060 --> 00:09:04,200 Till I get started? 219 00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:07,060 Come on. 220 00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:08,960 Come on. 221 00:09:09,030 --> 00:09:11,660 Does this help? 222 00:09:11,730 --> 00:09:13,960 Well eventually, he just gave up and left. 223 00:09:14,030 --> 00:09:16,160 And then his cousin's website tanked. 224 00:09:16,230 --> 00:09:18,460 And then he became a janitor at an old folks' home 225 00:09:18,530 --> 00:09:22,060 And moved into a one-room apartment above a bowling alley. 226 00:09:23,860 --> 00:09:26,100 That's it? that's the end of the story? 227 00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:28,800 No, no, of course not-- he died. 228 00:09:28,860 --> 00:09:30,530 How does that help me? 229 00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:32,460 How does any of this help me? 230 00:09:32,530 --> 00:09:34,460 Can somebody, for god's sakes, 231 00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:37,760 Please give me one piece of useful advice? 232 00:09:37,830 --> 00:09:39,730 Lily, control your woman. 233 00:09:41,130 --> 00:09:43,760 The lesson of Blauman is that when your boss 234 00:09:43,830 --> 00:09:46,330 Screams at you, you never scream back. 235 00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:48,400 That's why there's a little thing in corporate America 236 00:09:48,460 --> 00:09:51,560 I like to call the chain of screaming. 237 00:09:51,630 --> 00:09:53,300 -Chain of screaming? -yes. 238 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,830 The chain of screaming starts at the top. 239 00:09:55,900 --> 00:09:59,200 Arthur's boss's boss screams at Arthur's boss. 240 00:09:59,260 --> 00:10:01,830 Arthur's boss screams at Arthur. 241 00:10:01,900 --> 00:10:03,900 Arthur screams at you. 242 00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:06,400 You go home and scream at Lily. 243 00:10:06,460 --> 00:10:10,700 Lily screams at one of the kids in her kindergarten class. 244 00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:13,730 Then that kid screams at her dad, 245 00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:16,360 Arthur's boss's boss. 246 00:10:16,430 --> 00:10:19,230 And the whole thing starts all over again, 247 00:10:19,300 --> 00:10:22,430 Thus completing the circle of screaming. 248 00:10:22,500 --> 00:10:23,960 I thought it was a chain of screaming. 249 00:10:24,030 --> 00:10:26,500 It's a circle, Ted, I called it a circle. 250 00:10:26,560 --> 00:10:28,660 I don't scream at Lily. 251 00:10:28,730 --> 00:10:30,630 And I don't scream at my kids, 252 00:10:30,700 --> 00:10:33,360 None of whom have parents who work at Marshall's firm. 253 00:10:33,430 --> 00:10:35,200 So it's not a circle. 254 00:10:35,260 --> 00:10:37,360 Fine-- you want it to be a chain of screaming, 255 00:10:37,430 --> 00:10:38,900 It's a chain of screaming. 256 00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:40,430 I came up with the circle idea halfway through, 257 00:10:40,500 --> 00:10:42,360 Cause I thought it was a more elegant metaphor, 258 00:10:42,430 --> 00:10:43,900 But fine, ruin it! 259 00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:46,030 You guys always undermine me 260 00:10:46,100 --> 00:10:48,460 When I'm trying to make a point, and I'm sick of it! 261 00:10:48,530 --> 00:10:50,860 God, I'm surrounded by idiots! 262 00:10:50,930 --> 00:10:52,760 Idiots! 263 00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:57,960 See, doesn't everyone feel better now? 264 00:10:58,030 --> 00:10:59,860 Lily, I need your take on this. 265 00:10:59,930 --> 00:11:01,530 What... what should I do? 266 00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:03,800 Well, what I teach my kids in kindergarten... 267 00:11:03,860 --> 00:11:05,460 Oh, god. 268 00:11:05,530 --> 00:11:09,200 Kt.is, when dealing with a bully, the most important thing 269 00:11:09,260 --> 00:11:11,530 Is to be constructive and positive. 270 00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:13,360 Hello, Arthur. 271 00:11:13,430 --> 00:11:14,560 Hello, Marshall. 272 00:11:14,630 --> 00:11:17,130 I have the Ninja Report right here. 273 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:18,700 But Arthur, 274 00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:21,860 In the future, if you want someone to do their best work, 275 00:11:21,930 --> 00:11:25,300 Try to motivate them, not with fear and intimidation, 276 00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:29,300 But through encouragement, inspiration and respect. 277 00:11:30,630 --> 00:11:33,800 Well said, Marshall-- I needed to hear that. 278 00:11:34,830 --> 00:11:36,100 By the way, 279 00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:37,960 I saw your wife's picture in your office. 280 00:11:38,030 --> 00:11:39,030 That is one tasty slice. 281 00:11:39,100 --> 00:11:40,360 Oh, you're damn right. 282 00:11:40,430 --> 00:11:43,000 You know what I'm gonna do when I get home? 283 00:11:43,060 --> 00:11:44,700 Oh, yeah. 284 00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:46,660 I'm gonna rip that girl's clothes off... 285 00:11:46,730 --> 00:11:48,060 That's it. 286 00:11:48,130 --> 00:11:49,400 ...just throw her on the bed... 287 00:11:49,460 --> 00:11:51,030 That's where she belongs. 288 00:11:51,100 --> 00:11:53,560 ...and drive her home like a pack of sled dogs! 289 00:11:58,260 --> 00:12:00,000 It's bad, guys. 290 00:12:00,060 --> 00:12:01,660 Mama needs it bad. 291 00:12:03,260 --> 00:12:05,860 You're right, baby, it's about respect. 292 00:12:05,930 --> 00:12:08,230 That is the first useful thing anyone's said to me tonight. 293 00:12:08,300 --> 00:12:09,800 Can you give me that speech again? 294 00:12:09,860 --> 00:12:11,960 I'm gonna drive her home like a pack of... 295 00:12:12,030 --> 00:12:13,300 No, the other part, please. 296 00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:16,030 I have the Ninja Report right here, but... 297 00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:18,030 And it seemed like that was the end of it, 298 00:12:18,100 --> 00:12:19,700 But it wasn't, because the next night... 299 00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:21,830 Which of these carpets would look better 300 00:12:21,900 --> 00:12:23,360 In the new apartment? 301 00:12:23,430 --> 00:12:26,560 I like the color of this one, but this one's so soft. 302 00:12:26,630 --> 00:12:28,760 It would feel great on your bare feet... 303 00:12:28,830 --> 00:12:33,400 ...or your bare back, a bead of eager sweat 304 00:12:33,460 --> 00:12:35,060 Rolling down 305 00:12:35,130 --> 00:12:37,000 Your trembling bosom. 306 00:12:39,130 --> 00:12:41,900 Lily, didn't we just go through this with bathroom tiles? 307 00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:47,000 Shh, don't say my name. 308 00:12:47,060 --> 00:12:48,900 Lily can't know it's me. 309 00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:50,160 Just pretend you're talking to Stella. 310 00:12:50,230 --> 00:12:51,330 Be all lovey dovey. 311 00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:53,000 Hey, Stella. 312 00:12:54,060 --> 00:12:56,330 Sweetie, how's it going? 313 00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:59,430 Not good, not good at all. 314 00:12:59,500 --> 00:13:00,830 Where are you right now? 315 00:13:00,900 --> 00:13:03,660 Right downstairs, come find me. 316 00:13:03,730 --> 00:13:05,360 Without Lily. 317 00:13:05,430 --> 00:13:08,160 Okay, I'll see you soon. 318 00:13:08,230 --> 00:13:10,100 I love you. 319 00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:11,930 I love you, too. 320 00:13:14,100 --> 00:13:17,300 Wow, you two are already saying the "l" word, huh? 321 00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:18,630 Apparently. 322 00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:21,630 You hitting that? 323 00:13:30,230 --> 00:13:32,160 I'm in trouble, Ted. 324 00:13:36,730 --> 00:13:38,460 Ted, I'm freakin' out, man. 325 00:13:38,530 --> 00:13:41,960 Um... it's a new car, so just be careful... 326 00:13:42,030 --> 00:13:43,830 I did something stupid-- can we just drive somewhere? 327 00:13:43,900 --> 00:13:45,460 I need to get away-- just drive, man. 328 00:13:45,530 --> 00:13:46,830 Please just drive. 329 00:13:48,330 --> 00:13:50,400 It's just, this is a really good parking spot. 330 00:13:50,460 --> 00:13:51,900 Dude! 331 00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:53,600 Look, just tell me what happened first. 332 00:13:53,660 --> 00:13:55,830 Remember how I said I was gonna give that big speech 333 00:13:55,900 --> 00:13:57,900 That Lily told me to give, be firm but respectful? 334 00:13:57,960 --> 00:13:59,460 Well, it didn't totally go that way. 335 00:13:59,530 --> 00:14:00,930 There is a lot of ketchup on that burger. 336 00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:04,260 Sorry-- what happened? 337 00:14:04,330 --> 00:14:05,860 After we all finished talking last night, 338 00:14:05,930 --> 00:14:08,330 I went to the diner to finish working on the Ninja Report. 339 00:14:09,730 --> 00:14:10,730 Hey, Marshall. 340 00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:14,660 How long have you been sitting there? 341 00:14:14,730 --> 00:14:17,460 If you go in there with Lily's kindergarten nonsense, 342 00:14:17,530 --> 00:14:19,100 You're gonna get torn apart. 343 00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:21,130 I'm here to save your life-- you hungry? 344 00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:23,000 Yeah, I was just about to order. 345 00:14:23,060 --> 00:14:24,330 What do you want? 346 00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:25,600 A BLT and gravy fries. 347 00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:28,500 Okay, friends, what do you like? 348 00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:30,430 A green tea with lemon for me, 349 00:14:30,500 --> 00:14:32,630 And for my friend here, the meatloaf, please. 350 00:14:32,700 --> 00:14:33,700 Very good. 351 00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:36,130 No, I didn't want meatloaf. 352 00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:39,360 Marshall, the chain of screaming is a real thing. 353 00:14:39,430 --> 00:14:42,960 Arthur screamed at you-- now you have to scream at someone else. 354 00:14:43,030 --> 00:14:44,400 No, I don't. 355 00:14:44,460 --> 00:14:47,400 Yes, you do, or else that anger is gonna eat you alive. 356 00:14:47,460 --> 00:14:49,630 Who would I even scream at? 357 00:14:49,700 --> 00:14:51,030 I don't know. 358 00:14:51,100 --> 00:14:53,600 How about somebody who's disappointed you? 359 00:14:54,700 --> 00:14:56,330 Someone who's let you down. 360 00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:58,660 Someone who's gonna bring you meatloaf 361 00:14:58,730 --> 00:15:03,430 When you explicitly ordered a BLT and gravy fries. 362 00:15:06,430 --> 00:15:08,200 No. 363 00:15:08,260 --> 00:15:09,860 Hey, I was just heading to the bar. 364 00:15:09,930 --> 00:15:11,260 What are you guys doing out here? 365 00:15:11,330 --> 00:15:12,400 Oh, I was just telling Ted a story. 366 00:15:12,460 --> 00:15:14,530 Ooh, I like stories. 367 00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:16,300 You want a lick? 368 00:15:17,630 --> 00:15:20,260 -What? -is that ice cream cone big enough? 369 00:15:20,330 --> 00:15:22,530 Uh, it's delicious enough. 370 00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:24,430 Okay, so... 371 00:15:24,500 --> 00:15:25,830 Then I say to barney... 372 00:15:25,900 --> 00:15:28,660 I'm not gonna scream at the waiter, barney. 373 00:15:28,730 --> 00:15:29,930 Yes, you are. 374 00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:34,460 That waiter is every boss and every bully 375 00:15:34,530 --> 00:15:36,660 Who ever embarrassed or belittled you. 376 00:15:37,660 --> 00:15:39,130 And how dare he deny you 377 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:40,530 The one thing that you want, 378 00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:42,630 That would make you happy at this moment. 379 00:15:42,700 --> 00:15:45,130 A BLT and gravy fries. 380 00:15:46,430 --> 00:15:49,560 One green tea with lemon, one meatloaf. 381 00:15:49,630 --> 00:15:52,400 Enjoy, my friends. 382 00:15:52,460 --> 00:15:53,430 Marshall. 383 00:15:53,500 --> 00:15:54,830 Excuse me? 384 00:15:56,630 --> 00:15:58,060 Yes? 385 00:15:58,130 --> 00:15:59,930 This is not what I ordered. 386 00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:02,030 Yes, it is. 387 00:16:04,860 --> 00:16:06,900 I beg your pardon, sir, 388 00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:10,200 But I ordered a BLT and gravy fries, 389 00:16:10,260 --> 00:16:12,730 And as the customer, I'm always right, so... 390 00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:16,360 No, no, I am not going to stand here and take this! 391 00:16:16,460 --> 00:16:20,060 I am at the end of a triple shift-- that's 18 hours!-- 392 00:16:20,130 --> 00:16:21,260 And then I have 393 00:16:21,330 --> 00:16:23,300 To take two trains and a bus to Astoria 394 00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:26,660 To have my wife scream at me because I'm never home. 395 00:16:26,730 --> 00:16:29,860 No, no, you eat your damn meatloaf! 396 00:16:32,500 --> 00:16:34,430 Hey, what are you guys doing out here? 397 00:16:34,500 --> 00:16:36,260 Oh sweet, can I get a toot? 398 00:16:36,330 --> 00:16:37,900 Uh-uh-- against car rules, it's against car rules! 399 00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,860 Oh, Ted, relax, it's Cuban. 400 00:16:39,930 --> 00:16:41,760 People pay to have their car smell like this. 401 00:16:41,830 --> 00:16:44,430 Well, that's just not true. 402 00:16:44,500 --> 00:16:45,830 Oh, Marshall, switch seats with me. 403 00:16:45,900 --> 00:16:47,130 I called shotgun for all eternity. 404 00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:48,360 You can't call shotgun for eternity. 405 00:16:48,430 --> 00:16:49,860 Well, that's funny, cause I did! 406 00:16:49,930 --> 00:16:51,200 It's case by case. 407 00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:53,960 Guys, I'm telling a life-altering story here! 408 00:16:55,100 --> 00:16:57,360 A 20% tip, really, for that waiter? 409 00:16:57,430 --> 00:17:00,160 I don't know, barney, he worked a triple, it just... 410 00:17:00,230 --> 00:17:02,160 If you're not gonna yell at the waiter, 411 00:17:02,230 --> 00:17:03,460 Yell at me. 412 00:17:03,530 --> 00:17:05,130 -What? -yell at me. 413 00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:07,000 I'm not gonna yell at you, barney. 414 00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:08,900 What, you think you're gonna upset me? 415 00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:10,960 Please, give me your best shot. 416 00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:12,800 Okay, fine-- what, you want me to yell at you? 417 00:17:12,860 --> 00:17:14,560 Yeah. 418 00:17:14,630 --> 00:17:17,800 This is me yelling at you, barney. 419 00:17:17,860 --> 00:17:20,900 I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of a butterfly 420 00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:23,400 Landing on a leaf about three blocks away. 421 00:17:23,460 --> 00:17:26,500 This is me yelling at you, barney! 422 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:29,330 Okay, you got some volume, now give me some content. 423 00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:30,860 Make it hurt. 424 00:17:30,930 --> 00:17:34,060 You don't look as good in suits as you think you do! 425 00:17:34,130 --> 00:17:35,730 No, something that's true-- come on. 426 00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:37,160 The man made you cry. 427 00:17:37,230 --> 00:17:38,760 Make me cry. 428 00:17:38,830 --> 00:17:39,930 Your mom's a slut! 429 00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:41,560 Yes. 430 00:17:41,630 --> 00:17:44,360 Your mom's a slut, and I'm sorry, barney, 431 00:17:44,430 --> 00:17:46,760 But you and your brother clearly have different fathers, 432 00:17:46,830 --> 00:17:48,260 And you know why? 433 00:17:48,330 --> 00:17:50,300 It's probably because your mom is a slutty slut! 434 00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:51,430 Keep going. 435 00:17:51,500 --> 00:17:53,100 I don't care what you say. 436 00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:54,600 Bob barker is not your father! 437 00:17:54,660 --> 00:17:57,060 Okay, now, well, that's just not cool. 438 00:17:57,130 --> 00:17:58,400 Oh my god, barney, I'm so sorry... 439 00:17:58,460 --> 00:17:59,900 No, I'm kidding-- keep going. 440 00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:01,500 Bob barker's not your father! 441 00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:04,930 You've concocted this delusional idea that a game show host 442 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:06,760 Is your real father, and he's not! 443 00:18:06,830 --> 00:18:09,000 You were abandoned, barney! 444 00:18:09,060 --> 00:18:10,960 You were abandoned, and you never dealt with it, 445 00:18:11,030 --> 00:18:12,430 And so now you never allow yourself 446 00:18:12,500 --> 00:18:14,300 To feel anything, and that's how you survive 447 00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:16,260 In this corporate world, and if I keep heading 448 00:18:16,330 --> 00:18:18,500 Down this path, I'm gonna turn into you! 449 00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:20,500 And I don't want that! 450 00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:22,530 I don't want any of this! 451 00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:24,800 This is not why I became a lawyer. 452 00:18:24,860 --> 00:18:27,260 This is not the person that I wanted to be. 453 00:18:27,330 --> 00:18:29,960 I quit, Arthur! 454 00:18:30,030 --> 00:18:32,260 I quit! 455 00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:38,760 Well, thank you, Erikson, I needed to hear that. 456 00:18:38,830 --> 00:18:40,930 Really, 'cause I didn't mean to attack you personally, 457 00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:42,330 It's just that i... 458 00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:44,360 No, no, no, the part where you said, "i quit." 459 00:18:44,430 --> 00:18:46,460 Now we don't have to pay you a severance package. 460 00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:51,360 Uh, security's gonna rough you up a bit on the way out. 461 00:18:57,900 --> 00:19:00,260 Robin, you dropped a little ice cream... 462 00:19:00,330 --> 00:19:01,260 -Dude! -dude! -dude! 463 00:19:01,330 --> 00:19:02,500 I'm sorry. 464 00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:04,230 Don't blame this on me, Marshall. 465 00:19:04,300 --> 00:19:06,230 I told you to yell at someone beneath you. 466 00:19:06,300 --> 00:19:08,130 The circle of screaming is... 467 00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:10,300 The chain of scr... 468 00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:12,700 Pyramid-- the pyramid of screaming! 469 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:14,560 The pyramid of screaming. 470 00:19:14,630 --> 00:19:16,830 How am I supposed to tell Lily? 471 00:19:16,900 --> 00:19:18,700 She supported me through three years of law school, 472 00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:21,060 And now is the time when I'm supposed to pay her back. 473 00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:23,660 Now we're gonna lose the apartment. 474 00:19:23,730 --> 00:19:26,060 The place where we were gonna raise our children. 475 00:19:26,130 --> 00:19:28,530 How am I supposed to tell the person who I love 476 00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:30,200 More than anything in this world 477 00:19:30,260 --> 00:19:31,900 That I've just thrown away our future? 478 00:19:37,330 --> 00:19:39,100 Everybody out, everybody out of the new car! 479 00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:40,330 Out of the new car! 480 00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:42,330 Ted, screaming never solves anything. 481 00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:46,860 And so Marshall finally had to tell Lily what happened. 482 00:19:46,930 --> 00:19:48,800 I'm so sorry. 483 00:19:48,860 --> 00:19:51,260 I just lost it. 484 00:19:51,300 --> 00:19:53,200 But I can fix it. 485 00:19:53,260 --> 00:19:55,460 First thing tomorrow, I'm gonna go in there 486 00:19:55,530 --> 00:20:00,600 On my hands and knees and beg for my job back. 487 00:20:00,660 --> 00:20:02,500 No, you're not. 488 00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:04,660 What? 489 00:20:04,730 --> 00:20:08,860 Marshall, our future isn't money or an apartment. 490 00:20:08,930 --> 00:20:11,460 And it's definitely not you being miserable 491 00:20:11,530 --> 00:20:12,930 At that horrible job. 492 00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:17,700 I'm just happy to have my husband back. 493 00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:20,430 We'll figure the rest out. 494 00:20:21,430 --> 00:20:23,700 I love you. 495 00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:25,300 I love you, too. 496 00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:29,760 Ultimately, they were able to make ends meet 497 00:20:29,830 --> 00:20:32,930 Without going bust on the apartment. 498 00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:35,800 You sure about this? 499 00:20:35,860 --> 00:20:39,200 Yeah, who needs a car in New York city, right? 500 00:20:40,730 --> 00:20:43,030 Ted, I don't think I can accept... 501 00:20:43,100 --> 00:20:45,000 Marshall, don't make me scream at you. 502 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:49,000 Thanks a lot, buddy. 503 00:20:52,230 --> 00:20:53,830 You guys did it in the car, didn't... 504 00:20:53,900 --> 00:20:55,260 Oh, yeah!