1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,000 Well, kids, here we are. 2 00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:04,300 We've arrived 3 00:00:04,300 --> 00:00:05,600 My 30th birthday. 4 00:00:05,600 --> 00:00:07,600 The long-awaited story of... 5 00:00:08,500 --> 00:00:10,000 ...the goat. 6 00:00:10,500 --> 00:00:12,400 That week started just like any other. 7 00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:15,200 Barney woke up in some girl's bed. 8 00:00:17,700 --> 00:00:21,000 In my experience, the way this normally goes is, 9 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:23,000 We lie here for a while, 10 00:00:23,100 --> 00:00:26,100 Make a little awkward chitchat. 11 00:00:27,700 --> 00:00:28,500 Check. 12 00:00:28,600 --> 00:00:31,900 Then I make up some cabinet meeting, heart surgery, 13 00:00:31,900 --> 00:00:33,100 Rocket test flight I've got to be at, 14 00:00:33,100 --> 00:00:35,900 Slip out of the apartment and never call you again. 15 00:00:35,900 --> 00:00:37,700 And later at the bar, 16 00:00:37,700 --> 00:00:39,000 You tell your good friend Robin 17 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:40,400 The story of your latest conquest, 18 00:00:40,400 --> 00:00:42,400 And she thinks to herself, 19 00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:45,500 "who is this sad, self-loathing idiot 20 00:00:45,500 --> 00:00:47,900 Who climbed into bed with Barney Stinson?" 21 00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:51,900 Actually, you usually say that out loud. 22 00:00:55,300 --> 00:00:57,100 So... 23 00:00:57,600 --> 00:01:01,900 ...I just slept with my best friend's ex-girlfriend 24 00:01:01,900 --> 00:01:02,700 And I just slept 25 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:05,800 With my ex-boyfriend's really good friend. 26 00:01:05,900 --> 00:01:06,900 Best friend. 27 00:01:09,300 --> 00:01:11,400 Okay, here's the deal, Barney. 28 00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:13,200 The second my feet touch the ground, 29 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:15,100 This never happened. 30 00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:16,600 Okay. 31 00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:17,700 Wait. 32 00:01:17,700 --> 00:01:19,700 Right click, save as... 33 00:01:19,700 --> 00:01:22,600 Into the . bpeg folder, and okay. 34 00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:25,100 This never happened. 35 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:27,800 It's a good plan. 36 00:01:28,100 --> 00:01:31,700 Now we go back to exactly the way things were before. 37 00:01:31,700 --> 00:01:32,300 Okay. 38 00:01:32,300 --> 00:01:33,000 Okay. 39 00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:34,200 Right. 40 00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:36,200 So, Robin? 41 00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:37,600 Yes, Barney? 42 00:01:37,700 --> 00:01:41,500 Guess who nailed the chick from metro news one last night? 43 00:01:47,300 --> 00:01:54,400 44 00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:59,100 45 00:01:59,900 --> 00:02:03,000 Okay, uh, I am gonna take a shower, 46 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:05,300 Till June, and, um, 47 00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:06,700 Since you were never here to begin with, 48 00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:07,600 You won't be here when I get out. 49 00:02:07,700 --> 00:02:09,800 -Okay. -okay. 50 00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:11,200 This never happened. 51 00:02:13,900 --> 00:02:16,100 Never happened. 52 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:18,000 Never...happened. 53 00:02:18,100 --> 00:02:19,400 But pretending it never happened 54 00:02:19,500 --> 00:02:20,700 Wouldn't be that easy. 55 00:02:20,700 --> 00:02:22,100 So, tell us, 56 00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:23,100 What was it like? 57 00:02:23,100 --> 00:02:24,200 What? 58 00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:25,400 penetrating that barrier. 59 00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:27,100 You and I are the first ones to hit it. 60 00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:28,200 Well, not the first ones, 61 00:02:28,300 --> 00:02:30,100 Certainly, but the first ones at this table. 62 00:02:30,100 --> 00:02:32,600 I...I... 63 00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:35,200 I'm...I'm... 64 00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:37,800 Although, I'm gonna be hitting it pretty soon. 65 00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:38,500 yeah, you are. 66 00:02:38,500 --> 00:02:41,500 Yeah, and when I hit it, I'm going to go nuts. 67 00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:45,100 It's gonna be all night, and I think I want a clown there. 68 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:47,900 I'm a little bit scared of clowns, but for you, I'm there. 69 00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:50,400 What are you taking about?! 70 00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:51,500 The big three-oh. 71 00:02:51,500 --> 00:02:53,300 You know, My 30th birthday's this Friday. 72 00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:54,200 Did you forget? 73 00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:56,500 What kind of friend is this guy? 74 00:02:56,500 --> 00:02:57,900 Ha-ha right. 75 00:02:58,000 --> 00:02:59,900 A great friend, by the way. 76 00:02:59,900 --> 00:03:01,400 The best. 77 00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:02,600 Is it my imagination, 78 00:03:02,700 --> 00:03:04,000 Or are these drinks getting smaller? 79 00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:07,300 If this were a doctor's office, they'd say, "try again. " 80 00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:10,800 How you doing there, Robin? 81 00:03:10,900 --> 00:03:13,100 -I'm good. -Oh, so, I made a a decision. 82 00:03:13,100 --> 00:03:14,800 I'm going to go through all my old stuff, 83 00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:17,400 And I'm getting rid of anything I have no use for anymore. 84 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:18,600 Hmm. Barney, you want my Xbox? 85 00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:21,400 Ted, she has a name! 86 00:03:21,500 --> 00:03:23,900 And just what are you accusing me of? 87 00:03:23,900 --> 00:03:26,000 Liking video games? 88 00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:27,000 I'm gonna get a drink. 89 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:28,500 I'll come with you. 90 00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:29,400 Okay. 91 00:03:29,500 --> 00:03:30,700 God, this is awkward. 92 00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:32,100 What is? 93 00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:33,500 Being around Ted. 94 00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:34,600 Why? 95 00:03:34,700 --> 00:03:37,000 -Because of our thing. -what thing? 96 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:38,800 You're really gonna pretend this never happened? 97 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:40,800 What never happened? 98 00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:44,700 What are you guys talking about? 99 00:03:44,700 --> 00:03:46,700 Nothing. 100 00:03:46,700 --> 00:03:48,500 Guys, cut the act. I know. 101 00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:53,600 I know about the surprise party you guys are throwing me. 102 00:03:53,700 --> 00:03:55,500 Marshall let it slip earlier today. 103 00:03:56,500 --> 00:03:58,100 Hey, I'll totally act surprised and everything. 104 00:03:58,200 --> 00:03:59,600 Just be sure to invite Stella. 105 00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:01,100 Stella! 106 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:02,900 You have a serious girlfriend now! 107 00:04:02,900 --> 00:04:04,400 You're over this one. 108 00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:06,100 Robin who, right? 109 00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:07,900 Stella makes this one look 110 00:04:07,900 --> 00:04:10,400 Like a filthy bag of garbage, am I right? 111 00:04:11,900 --> 00:04:13,200 Happy birthday, bro. 112 00:04:17,900 --> 00:04:19,000 Hello. 113 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,600 Hey, Marshall, I need your help. 114 00:04:21,700 --> 00:04:24,000 Yeah, I'm kind of real focused on the job hunt right now. 115 00:04:24,100 --> 00:04:26,100 I know. I want to hire you. 116 00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:29,200 For the last time, Barney, I will not be your butler. 117 00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:30,800 I need a lawyer. 118 00:04:30,900 --> 00:04:32,400 I'll pay you. 119 00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:34,100 How much? 120 00:04:34,100 --> 00:04:35,300 A little. 121 00:04:35,300 --> 00:04:37,500 I'll take it. 122 00:04:40,100 --> 00:04:43,200 Hey. so, I'm reading this, and, I got to say, 123 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:44,900 This might be a little bit over my head. 124 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:47,200 For one thing, I'm fairly certain 125 00:04:47,300 --> 00:04:49,200 That if these contracts aren't executed precisely, 126 00:04:49,300 --> 00:04:52,200 We will be at war with Portugal. 127 00:04:52,300 --> 00:04:53,400 Forget that. 128 00:04:53,500 --> 00:04:54,700 That's a Tuesday for me. 129 00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:57,200 New shredder. 130 00:04:57,300 --> 00:04:59,900 This baby'll chew up a bicycle in 17 seconds. 131 00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:03,800 From sky mall. It's all from sky mall. 132 00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:05,600 Whenever I get upset, I shop at sky mall. 133 00:05:05,700 --> 00:05:07,200 -Want a hot dog? -of course. 134 00:05:07,300 --> 00:05:09,900 Why are you upset? 135 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:12,300 Marshall, I'm about to tell you a secret 136 00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:14,300 That you can't tell anyone-- not Ted, 137 00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:16,300 Not Robin, not lily. 138 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:19,500 No. no, no, no, I don't want any more secrets, 139 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:21,300 Especially now that I know what you guys did 140 00:05:21,500 --> 00:05:23,400 To the drinking water in Lisbon. i... 141 00:05:23,500 --> 00:05:25,700 You are hearing this secret, Marshall. 142 00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:27,800 I...I slept... 143 00:05:27,900 --> 00:05:30,400 Stop.. stop doing that. 144 00:05:30,500 --> 00:05:31,500 I slept... 145 00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:36,500 I slept with Robin. 146 00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:39,900 You slept with Robin? 147 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:49,200 Are you mad at me? 148 00:05:49,300 --> 00:05:51,800 I don't know. 149 00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:53,400 How's the hot dog? 150 00:05:53,500 --> 00:05:54,900 It's helping. 151 00:05:54,900 --> 00:05:57,100 You slept with Robin?! 152 00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:58,500 I...I cannot keep that secret. 153 00:05:58,500 --> 00:05:59,300 I mean, you know 154 00:05:59,300 --> 00:06:00,200 I at least have to tell lily. 155 00:06:00,300 --> 00:06:01,500 You can't. You can't tell anyone. 156 00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:03,300 Attorney-client privilege. 157 00:06:03,300 --> 00:06:05,300 Why are you doing this to me?! 158 00:06:05,300 --> 00:06:07,800 Because I need you, Marshall, as my lawyer, 159 00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:09,700 to prove that I didn't do anything wrong. 160 00:06:09,700 --> 00:06:11,800 How can I help you as your lawyer? 161 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:14,200 You didn't break any laws, did you? 162 00:06:14,300 --> 00:06:18,300 Robin knows you slept with her, doesn't she? 163 00:06:18,500 --> 00:06:20,900 I didn't break any state or federal laws, 164 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:24,500 but I think I broke a much, much higher law. 165 00:06:24,500 --> 00:06:27,100 The Bro Code. 166 00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:29,700 For many years, 167 00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:31,500 we had heard Barney quote the Bro Code, 168 00:06:31,500 --> 00:06:34,000 a list of do's and don'ts for all bros. 169 00:06:34,100 --> 00:06:35,400 Some were basic. 170 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:38,600 Bro Code article one:"Bros before hoes. 171 00:06:38,700 --> 00:06:41,000 Some were unbelievably complicated. 172 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:43,300 Bro Code article 89: 173 00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:45,600 "The mom of a bro is always off limits, 174 00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:49,900 "but the stepmom of a bro is fair game if she initiates it, 175 00:06:49,900 --> 00:06:51,500 "and/or is wearing at least one a article 176 00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:53,400 of leopard print clothing. " 177 00:06:53,500 --> 00:06:55,300 And some were just plain disturbing. 178 00:06:55,300 --> 00:06:57,600 Bro Code article 34: 179 00:06:57,700 --> 00:07:01,800 "Bros cannot make eye contact during a devil's three-way. " 180 00:07:03,100 --> 00:07:04,200 Two dudes. 181 00:07:06,100 --> 00:07:08,500 This is not a legal docume.. 182 00:07:08,500 --> 00:07:09,800 This is just something you wrote. 183 00:07:09,900 --> 00:07:12,100 You think I wrote that? 184 00:07:12,100 --> 00:07:13,600 Oh, Marshall, 185 00:07:13,700 --> 00:07:18,200 don't you know the glorious history of the Bro Code? 186 00:07:18,300 --> 00:07:20,500 The year was 1776. 187 00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:22,500 The place: Philadelphia. 188 00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:25,300 Benjamin Franklin and George Washington were hanging a drink. 189 00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:27,200 But, bro, seriously, 190 00:07:27,300 --> 00:07:29,700 I called the dibs on that wench. 191 00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:32,700 You codpiece blocked me. 192 00:07:32,700 --> 00:07:33,900 So what if I did? 193 00:07:33,900 --> 00:07:35,100 There's no rule against it. 194 00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:36,400 Well, there should be. 195 00:07:36,500 --> 00:07:38,400 There should be a set of rules that govern 196 00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:40,900 the way bros comport themselves among other bros. 197 00:07:40,900 --> 00:07:42,900 But who shall write such a document? 198 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:46,800 I have to go to Me, D.C. , and pose for the dollar bill. 199 00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:49,400 And I have to do some kite-flying or seething. 200 00:07:49,500 --> 00:07:51,200 I shall write this set of rules. 201 00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:54,500 And I shall inscribe it on the back of the Constitution. 202 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:57,000 To save paper. 203 00:07:57,100 --> 00:07:58,200 It's resolved! 204 00:07:58,300 --> 00:07:59,900 Barney Stinson shall write... 205 00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:02,000 the Bro Code. 206 00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:05,100 And I shall l include a provision 207 00:08:05,100 --> 00:08:08,200 that stateth no eye contact in a devil's three-way. 208 00:08:08,300 --> 00:08:09,300 -Seconded. -Seconded. 209 00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:14,500 Listen, what do you want me for? 210 00:08:14,500 --> 00:08:16,000 I've just been losing my mind lately, 211 00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:17,700 and do you know why I feel so bad? 212 00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:19,100 Yeah, because you slept with Robin. 213 00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:20,500 No, that was awesome. 214 00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:23,000 I feel bad 215 00:08:23,100 --> 00:08:25,000 because the Bro Code clearly states 216 00:08:25,100 --> 00:08:26,900 "No sex with your bro's ex. " 217 00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:28,500 But if you, 218 00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:31,300 my lawyer, can find a loophole somewhere, 219 00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:33,400 then that bad feeling will go bye-bye. 220 00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:36,000 And you would pay me for that? 221 00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:38,300 No, I'll just be the one shredding your paperwork. 222 00:08:38,300 --> 00:08:41,200 Technically, you'll be paid by a toy factory in Pyongyang. 223 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:43,300 Barney, I'm no shrink, okay, 224 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:45,800 but don't you see that this is just a desperate way for you 225 00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:48,800 to avoid an unpleasant confrontation with Ted? 226 00:08:48,900 --> 00:08:50,700 Hey, if I wanted a psychological evaluation, 227 00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:52,500 I'd hire the guy we pay 228 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:53,900 to hint notarize us before depositions. 229 00:08:53,900 --> 00:08:55,600 Now, get cracking! 230 00:08:55,700 --> 00:08:57,800 While Marshall examined the Bro Code, 231 00:08:57,900 --> 00:08:59,900 Lily's kindergarten class welcomed a special guest. 232 00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:02,800 And with a little luck, in a few days, 233 00:09:02,900 --> 00:09:04,900 Farmer Frank's cold will be all gone. 234 00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:08,500 And that's why Farmer Frank's breath smells like medicine. 235 00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:10,300 Right, Farmer Frank? 236 00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:11,900 You got it, toots. 237 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:14,900 Any last questions for Farmer Frank? Yes. 238 00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:17,700 Will we ever go to see Missy the Goat again? 239 00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:19,300 Oh! Ah, isn't that sweet! 240 00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:20,500 Well, you know, honey, 241 00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:22,100 right after this, 242 00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:24,600 I'm gonna drop old Missy off at the butcher shop. 243 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:25,700 And they're going to take 244 00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:27,900 a great big knife... 245 00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:30,400 And Frank went on to traumatize Lily's entire class 246 00:09:30,500 --> 00:09:32,600 with a graphic explanation of where meat comes from.. 247 00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:36,800 So not one little scrap of Missy goes to waste. 248 00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:40,600 Ms. Aldrin, please don't let them eat Missy. 249 00:09:48,900 --> 00:09:50,300 I know, I know. 250 00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:52,900 I already called an animal rescue, 251 00:09:52,900 --> 00:09:55,000 and they're going to come get her on Monday. 252 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:57,200 Monday?! Where's she going to sleep and eat 253 00:09:57,300 --> 00:09:59,300 and go to the bathroom?! 254 00:10:00,900 --> 00:10:04,100 Okay, where's she going to sleep and eat? 255 00:10:04,100 --> 00:10:06,500 I-I guess I'll keep her up on the roof. 256 00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:08,100 Look, call me crazy. I just... 257 00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:11,000 I don't think having a goat in the apartment is a good idea. 258 00:10:11,100 --> 00:10:13,400 And, boy, was I right, because what Missy the Goat 259 00:10:13,500 --> 00:10:16,600 would go on to do in that bathroom was so... 260 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:17,700 No, you know what? 261 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:19,800 I'm m getting ahead of myself. 262 00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:21,300 We'll get there. 263 00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:22,600 Hey, Ted. 264 00:10:24,300 --> 00:10:25,300 You ready to, um... 265 00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:26,900 Where'd the goat turd come from? 266 00:10:26,900 --> 00:10:28,800 How'd you know that was a goat turd? 267 00:10:28,900 --> 00:10:30,100 Well, it was either that, 268 00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:32,200 or a musk ox turd, 269 00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:34,600 and I figured, what the hell would a musk ox be doing in here? 270 00:10:34,700 --> 00:10:37,800 Hey. Guess what your wife brought home. 271 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:39,500 Attorney-client privilege. I can't talk about it. 272 00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:40,700 Talk about what? 273 00:10:40,700 --> 00:10:42,100 Nothing. 274 00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:43,700 How was your day? 275 00:10:43,700 --> 00:10:45,600 Oh, goat turd on the floor, I see. Is that new? 276 00:10:48,100 --> 00:10:50,900 How does everyone know that's a goat turd? 277 00:10:53,900 --> 00:10:55,400 -Barney told you. -I don't know what you're talking about, madam. 278 00:10:55,500 --> 00:10:57,500 Marshall, 279 00:10:57,600 --> 00:10:59,500 you can't look me in the eye, you're blushing, 280 00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:00,600 coughing, 281 00:11:00,700 --> 00:11:01,900 and your hands are shaking. 282 00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:03,700 come here. 283 00:11:03,700 --> 00:11:06,500 Ted is never finding out about this, you understand? 284 00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:09,400 Because it never happened, none of us are saying anything. 285 00:11:09,500 --> 00:11:11,100 And don't even think about opening that can 286 00:11:11,100 --> 00:11:13,200 until I'm out of the splash zone. 287 00:11:27,300 --> 00:11:28,400 fantastic, you're here. 288 00:11:28,500 --> 00:11:30,300 Give me the good news. 289 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:31,900 I'm sorry. 290 00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:33,100 You did too good of a job writing this thing. 291 00:11:33,100 --> 00:11:34,800 It's-it's iron-clad. 292 00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:36,400 No! 293 00:11:36,500 --> 00:11:37,500 Bad lawyer! 294 00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:39,400 I need a loophole! 295 00:11:39,500 --> 00:11:41,300 I want to feel better, Marshall! 296 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,100 I can't keep buying things! 297 00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:45,800 I have six self-cleaning litterboxes 298 00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:47,200 and I don't even have a kid. 299 00:11:47,300 --> 00:11:49,300 Wait. How about this? 300 00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:51,700 Ted's probably broken this thing himself, right? 301 00:11:51,700 --> 00:11:53,600 And if he's broken the Bro Code, 302 00:11:53,700 --> 00:11:54,800 then I'm off the hook. 303 00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:55,900 I thought about that. 304 00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:57,900 And I gotta say, 305 00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:00,300 Ted has upheld this thing time and time again. 306 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:01,900 For example, article 87: 307 00:12:01,900 --> 00:12:05,600 "A bro shall at all times say yes. " 308 00:12:05,700 --> 00:12:08,000 So he saved you from an avalanche? 309 00:12:08,100 --> 00:12:09,700 Yes. 310 00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:13,300 And he carried you six miles to safety on his broken leg? 311 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:14,600 Yes. 312 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:17,000 And you're a pre-op transsexual nightclub singer 313 00:12:17,100 --> 00:12:19,400 who used to be a member of the Russian mob? 314 00:12:23,500 --> 00:12:25,400 Da. 315 00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:27,000 Article 29 316 00:12:27,100 --> 00:12:30,100 "A bro will in a timely manner alert his bro 317 00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:31,800 to the existence of a girl fight. " 318 00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:34,400 Dude, two girls are fighting at MacLaren's. 319 00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:37,100 What?! 320 00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:40,700 Yeah, yeah. 321 00:12:40,700 --> 00:12:42,300 It was crazy. This one girl was like... 322 00:12:42,300 --> 00:12:43,600 Oh, hey. 323 00:12:43,700 --> 00:12:45,400 Hey. 324 00:12:45,500 --> 00:12:46,800 Article 53: 325 00:12:46,700 --> 00:12:49,000 "A bro will, whenever possible, 326 00:12:49,100 --> 00:12:51,100 provide his bro with protection. " 327 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:53,100 That feels nice. 328 00:12:53,100 --> 00:12:55,100 Good. 329 00:13:01,300 --> 00:13:03,500 I just wish we had some wine. 330 00:13:03,500 --> 00:13:04,800 Yeah. 331 00:13:04,900 --> 00:13:06,200 I wish we had some wine, too. 332 00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:13,900 damn it, Marshall. 333 00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:15,900 I'm not paying you to tell me what a saint Ted is! 334 00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:16,900 You're my lawyer! 335 00:13:16,900 --> 00:13:19,100 The answer is in there! Find it! 336 00:13:19,100 --> 00:13:21,100 Okay, this isn't about the Bro Code, and you know it. 337 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:24,300 The reason that you're upset is because what you did was wrong. 338 00:13:24,300 --> 00:13:25,600 And the only way you're ever gonna feel 339 00:13:25,700 --> 00:13:28,400 any better about it is if you tell Ted what you did. 340 00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:30,800 What if he never wants to talk to me again? 341 00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:32,600 Well, I guess that's just a chance 342 00:13:32,700 --> 00:13:34,400 you're gonna have to take. 343 00:13:34,500 --> 00:13:37,500 Which brings us to April 25,2008. 344 00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:39,300 My 30th birthday, 345 00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:42,000 or as it would come to be referred to in later years: 346 00:13:42,100 --> 00:13:43,700 The Day of the Goat. 347 00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:45,000 Hey, where are you? 348 00:13:45,100 --> 00:13:46,600 I'm in the limo, right outside of Ted's office. 349 00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:47,900 Great. Well, everyone's here. 350 00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:49,400 Stella just arrived 351 00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:51,700 and there is something here so awesome, 352 00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:54,500 I'm not going to tell you what it is, but you won't believe... 353 00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:55,600 Goat in a party hat? 354 00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:56,700 Damn it! 355 00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:59,100 Well, you still gotta see it. 356 00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:01,700 It's so much fun having a goat at a party! 357 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:03,100 In a few short hours, 358 00:14:03,100 --> 00:14:05,000 Lily would come to regret those words. 359 00:14:05,900 --> 00:14:07,200 But we'll get there. 360 00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:08,900 Uh, gotta go. Here he comes. 361 00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:10,100 Okay. Bye. 362 00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:14,200 Whoa, you guys went all out. 363 00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,200 Okay, everyone, Ted's in the limo, five-minute warning! 364 00:14:16,300 --> 00:14:17,300 Everyone get ready! 365 00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:20,500 Oh, Missy, are you excited?? 366 00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:23,900 Yes, you are! 367 00:14:26,100 --> 00:14:27,600 Whoa, we're leaving the city. 368 00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:28,700 Where the hell is this party? 369 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:30,500 Vegas. 370 00:14:35,900 --> 00:14:37,800 Vegas? I thought the party was on the rooftop. 371 00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:38,500 Surprise! 372 00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:40,000 Just a decoy, my friend. 373 00:14:40,100 --> 00:14:41,500 So there's no roof party? 374 00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:42,700 Oh, no. There is. We're just not going. 375 00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:44,600 This is how good a friend I am. 376 00:14:44,700 --> 00:14:47,000 They want you to spent your 30th standing around 377 00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:49,000 drinking flat beer ten feet above your living room. 378 00:14:49,100 --> 00:14:50,400 But not me, bro. 379 00:14:50,500 --> 00:14:52,300 I pulled out all the stops. 380 00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:55,700 Private jet, Valderrama suite at the Bellagio. 381 00:14:55,700 --> 00:14:57,300 Steaks at BOA, 382 00:14:57,300 --> 00:15:01,000 scotch at Ghostbar, then two ringside seats 383 00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:03,100 to watch Floyd Mayatather go ten rounds with, 384 00:15:03,100 --> 00:15:04,200 wait for it... 385 00:15:04,300 --> 00:15:05,400 a grizzly bear! 386 00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:08,000 Take me home, Barney. 387 00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:09,000 No! 388 00:15:09,100 --> 00:15:10,600 We have to go to Vegas. 389 00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:15,300 Look, Ted, I didn't want to say this, but... 390 00:15:15,300 --> 00:15:16,600 there's something that I have to tell you, 391 00:15:16,700 --> 00:15:18,400 and I wanted you to be 392 00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:20,300 in the best possible frame of mind before you heard it. 393 00:15:20,300 --> 00:15:21,400 You slept with Robin. 394 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,000 Ranjit! 395 00:15:26,100 --> 00:15:27,300 You slept with Robin? 396 00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:31,100 Barney! That is Ted's ex-girlfriend! 397 00:15:37,700 --> 00:15:39,200 When did you find out? 398 00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:41,800 Hey, Robin. Come here! 399 00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:43,500 What's up? 400 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:46,100 I was, uh, just going through some old stuff 401 00:15:46,100 --> 00:15:48,100 -and I...-Oh, crap! 402 00:15:50,900 --> 00:15:52,500 Anyway, uh, 403 00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:53,900 I came across this. 404 00:15:55,900 --> 00:15:57,600 -From my vacation in Vermont. -Yeah. 405 00:15:57,800 --> 00:15:59,700 I don't know if you'd even want it, but if you do, it's yours. 406 00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:01,200 I slept with Barney! 407 00:16:01,300 --> 00:16:02,600 What? 408 00:16:02,700 --> 00:16:04,400 It was just one time, 409 00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:06,600 it, it was the night that Simon dumped me 410 00:16:06,700 --> 00:16:08,400 and I was in a really vulnerable place 411 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:11,500 and I, I wanted to just pretend like it never happened, 412 00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:13,400 but I couldn't, and... 413 00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:15,100 I can't. 414 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:18,400 I just, I had to tell you. 415 00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:20,000 And... 416 00:16:20,100 --> 00:16:22,900 I just hope that we can still be friends. 417 00:16:22,900 --> 00:16:25,500 Of course we can still be friends. 418 00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,200 So you're not mad? 419 00:16:27,300 --> 00:16:28,900 Well, I'm... 420 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:30,900 it's a little weird, but, um, 421 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:33,000 No, I'm not mad. 422 00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:39,700 So you're not mad? 423 00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:42,000 No, I'm not mad. 424 00:16:42,100 --> 00:16:44,000 I mean, Robin and I broke up a year ago. 425 00:16:44,100 --> 00:16:46,400 We've, we've both dated lots of people since then. 426 00:16:46,500 --> 00:16:47,800 I'm with Stella now. 427 00:16:49,100 --> 00:16:50,700 Seriously, I...I'm fine with this. 428 00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:53,900 I'm so relieved to hear you say that. 429 00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:55,800 Yeah. Yeah. 430 00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:57,500 Oh, hey, I just remembered, um, 431 00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,600 my mom is coming into town next month. 432 00:16:59,700 --> 00:17:02,000 Maybe you'd like to nail her, too! 433 00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:04,000 Where are they?! I'm getting a cramp. 434 00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:07,100 Marshall, can we keep the goat? 435 00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:08,900 No. 436 00:17:08,900 --> 00:17:10,800 -But she's so cute and furry and soft. -Yeah, 437 00:17:10,900 --> 00:17:12,700 and she also sheds, eats out of the garbage 438 00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:13,800 and can't control her bowels. 439 00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:15,500 Why don't we just call Duluth Mental Hospital 440 00:17:15,500 --> 00:17:17,800 and say my Uncle Linus can live with us? 441 00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:19,500 Yeah, Lily, that may seem like a good idea 442 00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:21,300 after a couple of drinks but tomorrow morning 443 00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:23,000 you're going to want this thing out of your house. 444 00:17:23,100 --> 00:17:25,200 Oh, you should talk. You slept with Barney. 445 00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:25,900 Marshall! 446 00:17:25,900 --> 00:17:26,900 I'm sorry! 447 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:28,300 I couldn't take it anymore. 448 00:17:28,300 --> 00:17:30,200 I can't believe you did that. 449 00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:31,800 That's so gross. 450 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:33,700 Was it amazing? 451 00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:35,400 What? I... 452 00:17:35,500 --> 00:17:37,400 Lily, I really don't want to talk about this. 453 00:17:37,500 --> 00:17:39,500 I know but it's Barney. 454 00:17:39,500 --> 00:17:41,200 It's just hard not to be curious. 455 00:17:42,500 --> 00:17:44,300 Did he have like devices and stuff? 456 00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:45,700 Lily, come on. 457 00:17:45,700 --> 00:17:46,900 -Hot wax? -Stop it. 458 00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:47,900 Did he tie you to anything? 459 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:49,300 -That's enough. -What's wrong with you? 460 00:17:49,300 --> 00:17:50,100 I'm sorry. 461 00:17:54,500 --> 00:17:56,500 Is he all smooth down there? 462 00:17:58,300 --> 00:18:00,600 Three billion women on the planet! 463 00:18:00,700 --> 00:18:02,600 Three billion! 464 00:18:02,700 --> 00:18:04,700 And you have to sleep with the one that I dated for a year! 465 00:18:04,700 --> 00:18:07,100 Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?! 466 00:18:07,100 --> 00:18:07,400 Robin?! 467 00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:08,900 You think I'm proud of this?! 468 00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:10,800 I'm horrified that this happened. 469 00:18:10,900 --> 00:18:12,200 How did it happen? Huh? 470 00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:13,700 Barney, I want to know. 471 00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:15,900 Tell me exactly how it happened. 472 00:18:15,900 --> 00:18:17,700 You mean... 473 00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:19,300 what position? 474 00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:20,300 Okay. 475 00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:20,900 Stop it! 476 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:22,200 Stop it! 477 00:18:22,300 --> 00:18:23,700 Stop it. 478 00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:23,900 -Hit him! Hit him, -Ted! Stop! 479 00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:26,300 -Hit him! -Stop! 480 00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:27,300 -Hit him! -Okay. 481 00:18:27,300 --> 00:18:28,800 Okay. Okay. 482 00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:30,100 You're pissed. 483 00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:31,200 You deserve to be. 484 00:18:31,300 --> 00:18:32,300 Fine. You know what? 485 00:18:32,300 --> 00:18:34,300 One free shot. On me. 486 00:18:34,300 --> 00:18:35,900 Anywhere but the face. 487 00:18:40,700 --> 00:18:43,900 Who punches someone in the groin? 488 00:18:45,900 --> 00:18:47,000 Okay. Okay. 489 00:18:47,100 --> 00:18:48,200 I deserved that. 490 00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:50,600 I deserved that. 491 00:18:50,700 --> 00:18:52,700 But what's important now is... 492 00:18:52,700 --> 00:18:55,900 we're passed this whole Robin thing now, right? 493 00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:57,900 You think that this is just about Robin? 494 00:18:58,000 --> 00:18:59,600 This is about... 495 00:19:01,100 --> 00:19:03,100 You know, I've seen you do some bad stuff. 496 00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:05,500 I mean some really terrible stuff 497 00:19:05,500 --> 00:19:07,000 to a lot of different people. 498 00:19:07,100 --> 00:19:09,200 I just always thought there had to be a limit. 499 00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:11,300 I always thought I was the limit. 500 00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:15,700 You're always spouting off these rules for bros. 501 00:19:15,700 --> 00:19:18,000 Isn't one of them, "don't do this"? 502 00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,300 Yeah. And I broke it. 503 00:19:20,300 --> 00:19:22,100 I'm sorry. 504 00:19:23,500 --> 00:19:24,600 But, Ted... 505 00:19:26,100 --> 00:19:28,100 ...seriously, this suite at the Bellagio... 506 00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:30,400 I am not going to Vegas with you! 507 00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:31,800 I'm not going to blow off my friends 508 00:19:31,900 --> 00:19:33,600 and my girlfriend, 509 00:19:33,700 --> 00:19:36,100 and spend my 30th birthday in a strip club. 510 00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:38,000 The fact that you think I would... 511 00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:41,600 You know, Barney, earlier this week 512 00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:43,300 I started putting things in a box 513 00:19:43,300 --> 00:19:46,200 and that box was labeled "stuff I have no use for anymore. " 514 00:19:46,300 --> 00:19:48,100 What does that mean? 515 00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:50,000 It means... 516 00:19:50,100 --> 00:19:52,100 maybe you belong in that box. 517 00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:56,000 Are you saying you don't want to be bros anymore? 518 00:19:56,100 --> 00:19:59,500 I'm saying I don't want to be friends anymore. 519 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,500 Okay, I'm going to stop you right there, 520 00:20:03,500 --> 00:20:06,200 because it seems like you're about to say something 521 00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:07,900 that's going to pretty much ruin Vegas. 522 00:20:07,900 --> 00:20:09,500 Ranjit, stop the car. 523 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,900 I'm getting a cab. 524 00:20:49,300 --> 00:20:51,900 Surprise! 525 00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:01,000 Oh, right, the goat. 526 00:21:01,100 --> 00:21:02,500 So funny. You're going to love this. 527 00:21:02,500 --> 00:21:05,600 So later in that night, the goat locked himself in the bathroom 528 00:21:05,700 --> 00:21:07,500 and was eating one of Robin's washcloths and 529 00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:09,100 wait, hold on. 530 00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:11,000 Robin wasn't living here on my 30th birthday. 531 00:21:11,100 --> 00:21:12,400 When did this happen? 532 00:21:12,500 --> 00:21:15,800 Oh, wait, the goat was there on my 31st birthday. 533 00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:17,700 Sorry, I totally got that wrong