1
00:00:02,170 --> 00:00:06,005
Kids...When I first moved to New York,
it was dingy, disgusting,
2
00:00:06,165 --> 00:00:08,929
dirty, ugly, flea-ridden, stinky
3
00:00:09,049 --> 00:00:11,130
and altogether terrifying,
4
00:00:11,544 --> 00:00:13,149
but then, sadly.
5
00:00:13,465 --> 00:00:16,378
The whole city started to go uphill.
6
00:00:17,127 --> 00:00:18,632
The streets got a little cleaner,
7
00:00:18,752 --> 00:00:21,152
the rents got a little higher,
and one by one,
8
00:00:21,272 --> 00:00:24,126
the crappy old places we loved
began to disappear.
9
00:00:24,752 --> 00:00:27,138
The Elbow Room,
an old punk rock club,
10
00:00:27,258 --> 00:00:28,784
became a drugstore.
11
00:00:29,396 --> 00:00:31,761
McHale's,
a working-class watering hole,
12
00:00:31,881 --> 00:00:33,290
became a fast-food place.
13
00:00:33,938 --> 00:00:36,690
And Fez, a Moroccan-themed lounge,
14
00:00:36,969 --> 00:00:38,212
became a bank.
15
00:00:38,515 --> 00:00:39,790
And not just any bank.
16
00:00:39,950 --> 00:00:41,955
Goliath National Bank.
17
00:00:42,114 --> 00:00:44,121
The world leader
in credit and banking.
18
00:00:44,499 --> 00:00:46,872
God, I love Goliath National Bank!
19
00:00:47,816 --> 00:00:50,287
Okay, first of all, you look like
the last pick in the draft.
20
00:00:50,616 --> 00:00:53,078
And, second, why are you so excited
about some bank?
21
00:00:53,369 --> 00:00:56,293
Our company just bought them
out in a ruthless takeover.
22
00:00:56,452 --> 00:00:59,379
Took two months.
Cost 2,000 jobs.
23
00:01:00,410 --> 00:01:01,841
It was brutal.
24
00:01:02,384 --> 00:01:03,583
Who wants a T-shirt?
25
00:01:04,856 --> 00:01:07,414
Hey, Marshall, they're hiring
in the legal department.
26
00:01:07,661 --> 00:01:08,922
I could get you a job.
27
00:01:09,042 --> 00:01:12,137
Barney, Marshall didn't quit his
last soul-sucking corporate job
28
00:01:12,257 --> 00:01:13,581
just to go work at a bank.
29
00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:16,079
He's gonna be
an environmental lawyer.
30
00:01:16,479 --> 00:01:18,085
That was the plan, anyway.
31
00:01:18,204 --> 00:01:21,036
Over the next few weeks, Marshall
went on a lot of interviews.
32
00:01:21,156 --> 00:01:22,286
You are confident,
33
00:01:22,558 --> 00:01:24,079
you are energetic,
34
00:01:24,199 --> 00:01:25,603
you are focused!
35
00:01:25,860 --> 00:01:27,330
A lot of interviews.
36
00:01:27,587 --> 00:01:29,498
You are flexible on salary,
37
00:01:29,877 --> 00:01:31,409
you're willing to compromise,
38
00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:34,112
you're not gonna cry this time.
39
00:01:34,826 --> 00:01:36,097
Too many interviews.
40
00:01:36,217 --> 00:01:37,426
You are sad,
41
00:01:38,097 --> 00:01:39,491
you are beaten down,
42
00:01:39,927 --> 00:01:42,449
you will get through this,
come home,
43
00:01:42,866 --> 00:01:45,804
get in your big underpants
and take a nap.
44
00:01:47,232 --> 00:01:49,409
Which brings us to September 29,
45
00:01:49,822 --> 00:01:51,604
the night of the burger.
46
00:01:51,723 --> 00:01:53,769
So, what do you guys
want to do for dinner?
47
00:01:53,889 --> 00:01:55,279
Oh, we just got a new cook.
48
00:01:55,399 --> 00:01:57,278
You have to try the burger,
it's amazing.
49
00:01:57,438 --> 00:01:59,903
- Great, we'll take five of those.
- Five burgers.
50
00:02:00,735 --> 00:02:03,357
- Really? You want to eat here?
- Yeah, I'm freaking starving.
51
00:02:03,476 --> 00:02:06,568
- I just finished a seven-day cleanse.
- I thought you started that yesterday.
52
00:02:06,728 --> 00:02:07,901
I finished early, OK?
53
00:02:08,722 --> 00:02:10,321
- Five of those.
- Five burgers.
54
00:02:10,736 --> 00:02:11,524
Wait.
55
00:02:11,684 --> 00:02:13,593
- What about sushi?
- We had sushi last night.
56
00:02:13,713 --> 00:02:15,315
- Italian.
- I had Italian for lunch.
57
00:02:15,475 --> 00:02:17,434
- I can come back.
- No. We always do this.
58
00:02:17,554 --> 00:02:19,398
We spend an hour arguing about
where to eat,
59
00:02:19,557 --> 00:02:20,898
and we end up here anyway.
60
00:02:21,057 --> 00:02:22,723
I haven't eaten for two days.
61
00:02:22,842 --> 00:02:26,473
Can we please, for the love of God,
just order something now?
62
00:02:29,056 --> 00:02:29,964
Chinese?
63
00:02:30,506 --> 00:02:32,394
- I don't like Chinese.
- Indian?
64
00:02:32,554 --> 00:02:34,436
I just said I don't like Chinese.
65
00:02:34,595 --> 00:02:35,724
Indian isn't Chinese.
66
00:02:35,973 --> 00:02:37,879
Weird meats, funny music,
side of rice.
67
00:02:37,998 --> 00:02:39,600
Why are we splitting hairs?
68
00:02:40,094 --> 00:02:40,893
Mexican?
69
00:02:41,393 --> 00:02:43,482
I just said I don't like Chinese.
70
00:02:43,865 --> 00:02:44,710
God.
71
00:02:45,093 --> 00:02:47,382
Synchro: ShalimarFox, Arrow
72
00:02:58,669 --> 00:03:00,540
Robin, yours will be right out.
73
00:03:01,602 --> 00:03:03,136
Of course, mine comes last.
74
00:03:06,301 --> 00:03:07,720
Go ahead, start without me.
75
00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:10,219
Sweet! You shouldn't have.
That's so kind of you.
76
00:03:15,165 --> 00:03:16,050
My God.
77
00:03:16,458 --> 00:03:18,282
This burger is so good.
78
00:03:18,568 --> 00:03:20,432
It's like Christmas in my mouth,
79
00:03:20,552 --> 00:03:21,892
meat Christmas.
80
00:03:22,865 --> 00:03:24,731
It's like an angel from heaven
81
00:03:24,851 --> 00:03:27,067
landed in the kitchen at MacLaren's.
82
00:03:27,381 --> 00:03:30,380
Where the chef killed it and ran
it through the meat grinder.
83
00:03:30,777 --> 00:03:32,799
I love this burger so much,
84
00:03:32,919 --> 00:03:34,874
I want to sew my ass shut.
85
00:03:36,967 --> 00:03:37,795
It's okay.
86
00:03:37,955 --> 00:03:39,448
Are you kidding me?
87
00:03:39,568 --> 00:03:40,670
Guys, guys, guys.
88
00:03:40,830 --> 00:03:43,712
When you've had the best burger
in NY, every other burger
89
00:03:43,872 --> 00:03:45,461
tastes like my grandpa's feet.
90
00:03:45,812 --> 00:03:48,741
But you guys eat up,
enjoy my grandpa's feet.
91
00:03:49,162 --> 00:03:51,168
And you've had the
best burger in New York.
92
00:03:52,831 --> 00:03:56,219
It was eight years ago,
my first week in New York,
93
00:03:56,506 --> 00:03:59,958
and for a kid from Minnesota,
the big city was a scary place.
94
00:04:05,870 --> 00:04:07,330
Oh, thank God it's just you.
95
00:04:07,490 --> 00:04:09,373
You are being ridiculous.
96
00:04:09,532 --> 00:04:11,872
- {\Tell me}You left the apartment today?
- Why would I have to leave?
97
00:04:12,031 --> 00:04:14,996
I can have anything I want delivered,
and New York City cable is awesome.
98
00:04:15,156 --> 00:04:17,968
Have you seen this public access show
with the old Jewish lady in a bikini?
99
00:04:18,088 --> 00:04:19,273
It's disgusting.
100
00:04:19,393 --> 00:04:21,670
Marshall, you have to
get over this paranoia.
101
00:04:21,790 --> 00:04:24,306
- You are not gonna get mugged.
- What if I do, Ted
102
00:04:24,426 --> 00:04:27,293
I don't have a switchblade.
I don't know how to break-dance
103
00:04:27,412 --> 00:04:29,367
and win the begrudging respect
of a street gang.
104
00:04:29,526 --> 00:04:31,408
That's it, you're taking a walk.
Come on, go.
105
00:04:31,658 --> 00:04:33,503
No. Look, the old lady
in a bikini is back on.
106
00:04:33,624 --> 00:04:35,429
I'm just gonna lie back
and get comfortable.
107
00:04:35,549 --> 00:04:38,437
- Go outside, go, go.
- Okay.
108
00:04:42,313 --> 00:04:43,428
Leave the bat.
109
00:04:43,965 --> 00:04:44,772
Fine.
110
00:04:45,783 --> 00:04:48,379
So I went for a walk
in the big, scary city.
111
00:04:48,645 --> 00:04:51,976
And I discovered something amazing:
it wasn't scary at all.
112
00:04:52,096 --> 00:04:52,947
All right.
113
00:04:53,980 --> 00:04:55,278
What's the word?
114
00:04:56,483 --> 00:04:58,027
Your search is over!
115
00:04:58,296 --> 00:05:01,184
And then, right when I started
to get a little hungry,
116
00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:02,856
I turned a corner...
117
00:05:05,350 --> 00:05:06,756
And there it was.
118
00:05:07,081 --> 00:05:09,644
The tiniest little
burger joint you ever saw,
119
00:05:09,764 --> 00:05:12,524
tucked between a taxidermist
and a triple-X bookstore.
120
00:05:12,780 --> 00:05:15,107
Name two places
where things get stuffed.
121
00:05:17,033 --> 00:05:19,013
So, I went inside.
122
00:05:19,897 --> 00:05:22,160
And I ordered the burger.
123
00:05:23,342 --> 00:05:24,322
Thank you.
124
00:06:06,565 --> 00:06:08,137
Ted, you got to wake up.
Wake...
125
00:06:10,729 --> 00:06:11,761
Oh, my God.
126
00:06:11,881 --> 00:06:13,418
I'm so sorry. Are you okay?
127
00:06:13,538 --> 00:06:14,543
I'm all right.
128
00:06:16,666 --> 00:06:19,453
Ted, I've just had the most
amazing burger of my life!
129
00:06:19,572 --> 00:06:21,924
It's this awesome little place,
Regis Philbin eats there,
130
00:06:22,083 --> 00:06:24,631
so it's sort of like
a celebrity hot spot. But the burger,
131
00:06:25,294 --> 00:06:26,607
- The burger.
- Dude.
132
00:06:26,836 --> 00:06:28,631
I want one of those
burgers right now!
133
00:06:28,790 --> 00:06:30,768
- Do you think they're still open?
- I don't know.
134
00:06:30,888 --> 00:06:33,171
Does stuff in New York
stay open past... 9:30?
135
00:06:34,205 --> 00:06:35,920
So we went out
to get another burger.
136
00:06:36,181 --> 00:06:37,818
But after hours of searching...
137
00:06:37,938 --> 00:06:38,792
Damn it!
138
00:06:38,911 --> 00:06:40,087
Where is this place?
139
00:06:40,458 --> 00:06:42,597
- You couldn't find it?
- We didn't know our way around.
140
00:06:42,717 --> 00:06:44,909
Just getting back to the apartment
took us three hours
141
00:06:45,029 --> 00:06:48,217
- and one very helpful drag queen.
- Wait, Penny Noir was a drag queen?
142
00:06:50,114 --> 00:06:53,214
- Where do you think it was?
- Probably tucked between her legs.
143
00:06:55,157 --> 00:06:56,452
You know what's not a drag?
144
00:06:56,572 --> 00:06:58,739
Getting a home equity loan
at Goliath National Bank.
145
00:06:58,858 --> 00:06:59,826
I'm just saying.
146
00:07:00,122 --> 00:07:02,409
Anyways, we never found the place.
147
00:07:02,916 --> 00:07:04,968
Now, eight years
have passed, still...
148
00:07:06,392 --> 00:07:07,766
No burger.
149
00:07:09,667 --> 00:07:11,150
I couldn't help but overhear.
150
00:07:11,270 --> 00:07:12,911
Okay, here we go.
151
00:07:13,130 --> 00:07:15,337
- I know the place you're talking about.
- No, you don't.
152
00:07:15,764 --> 00:07:17,840
It's a place
called the Corner Bistro.
153
00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:19,383
Greatburger.
154
00:07:20,577 --> 00:07:22,571
Oh, the Corner Bistro!
155
00:07:23,370 --> 00:07:25,334
It's amazing, I spent
a quarter of my life
156
00:07:25,494 --> 00:07:28,333
searching for the best burger
in New York City, but silly me,
157
00:07:28,453 --> 00:07:30,288
it never occurred to me to check
158
00:07:30,409 --> 00:07:32,425
the highest-rated burger
in the Zagat guide.
159
00:07:32,635 --> 00:07:34,355
Wow, thanks a lot, guy.
160
00:07:34,475 --> 00:07:36,082
Let me return the favor.
161
00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:37,831
Great cup of coffee:
162
00:07:38,721 --> 00:07:39,732
Starbucks.
163
00:07:43,784 --> 00:07:46,162
So I take it you've
tried the Corner Bistro.
164
00:07:47,711 --> 00:07:49,928
I've tried every
so-called best burger
165
00:07:50,048 --> 00:07:52,137
in New York City
trying to find that burger.
166
00:07:53,556 --> 00:07:55,535
Or at least forget about her.
167
00:08:12,851 --> 00:08:14,092
We're going.
168
00:08:15,306 --> 00:08:17,288
But none of those places
even came close.
169
00:08:17,408 --> 00:08:20,333
There was that one time we thought
we had a break in the case, remember?
170
00:08:20,899 --> 00:08:21,771
Get this.
171
00:08:21,891 --> 00:08:24,770
- You know who works out at my gym?
- Regis Philbin.
172
00:08:25,016 --> 00:08:26,674
The autographed picture.
173
00:08:27,146 --> 00:08:28,570
Of course I remember the place.
174
00:08:28,854 --> 00:08:30,918
It was the best burger I ever had.
175
00:08:31,038 --> 00:08:33,501
I still have dreams
about this burger.
176
00:08:33,621 --> 00:08:35,652
Beautiful, haunting dreams!
177
00:08:36,118 --> 00:08:37,777
I wake up at night screaming,
178
00:08:37,937 --> 00:08:40,400
"Get out of my head, burger!
Get out!"
179
00:08:40,559 --> 00:08:41,900
That's the one, Mr. Philbin.
180
00:08:42,060 --> 00:08:44,691
- Do you rember where it is?
- No! I never wrote it down.
181
00:08:45,136 --> 00:08:48,523
But not a day goes by
that I don't regret it.
182
00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:50,773
Why? Why? Do you know where it is?
183
00:08:50,933 --> 00:08:52,217
- No.
- And if you tell me
184
00:08:52,336 --> 00:08:54,813
it's at the Corner Bistro, I'm gonna
smack you right in the face!
185
00:08:54,973 --> 00:08:57,034
- We don't know where it is.
- Listen, Blondie!
186
00:08:57,154 --> 00:08:58,745
Don't mess with me!
187
00:08:59,014 --> 00:09:00,771
Daddy needs his meat.
188
00:09:00,931 --> 00:09:03,449
I don't know where it is,
Regis, I swear!
189
00:09:04,138 --> 00:09:06,026
What about you, Lurch?
190
00:09:06,471 --> 00:09:08,590
And what about you, satchel-mouth?
191
00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:10,809
This is my cell.
192
00:09:11,350 --> 00:09:14,184
You find that burger,
you call me day or night.
193
00:09:14,344 --> 00:09:16,017
OK, Regis, we will, we will.
194
00:09:16,177 --> 00:09:18,267
What are you waiting for?
Get out and find the burger!
195
00:09:18,426 --> 00:09:20,449
- All right.
- Let's go, all of you!
196
00:09:21,834 --> 00:09:23,223
That's where my story ends.
197
00:09:23,809 --> 00:09:25,527
Now I'm doomed to walk the earth
198
00:09:25,647 --> 00:09:27,713
forever searching
for that green door
199
00:09:28,099 --> 00:09:30,722
and that red neon sign
that says "Burger."
200
00:09:30,881 --> 00:09:33,305
Green door, red neon sign
that says "Burger?"
201
00:09:33,464 --> 00:09:34,780
I know that place.
202
00:09:34,900 --> 00:09:38,124
I've walked by it a million times.
It's on West 12th, right off of 7th.
203
00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:40,720
I knew it was on a numbered street!
204
00:09:41,648 --> 00:09:43,524
- Finally.
- No! Robin!
205
00:09:43,644 --> 00:09:45,543
If any of us is gonna
eat a burger tonight,
206
00:09:45,663 --> 00:09:47,566
it's gonna be
the best burger in New York.
207
00:09:47,795 --> 00:09:49,468
We're going downtown!
208
00:09:49,998 --> 00:09:50,800
No...
209
00:09:56,639 --> 00:09:58,998
I cannot believe we're finally
gonna have this burger
210
00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:01,402
Honey, I'm so excited for you.
211
00:10:01,621 --> 00:10:04,456
After all these interviews,
after all these disappointments,
212
00:10:04,615 --> 00:10:07,288
you deserve a triumphant
mouth full of meat.
213
00:10:07,637 --> 00:10:09,408
You know what else is a mouthful?
214
00:10:09,947 --> 00:10:12,661
All that double-talk other banks
give you. At Goliath,
215
00:10:12,821 --> 00:10:15,411
customer satisfaction
is our most important investment.
216
00:10:15,571 --> 00:10:19,244
I hate to break this to you,
but working for a bank's kind of lame.
217
00:10:20,421 --> 00:10:23,071
How lame
is free automatic bill pay?
218
00:10:23,191 --> 00:10:26,144
How lame is 3.3% APY
online savings?
219
00:10:27,027 --> 00:10:30,057
That's right. Hate to make you
look stupid in front of your friends,
220
00:10:30,177 --> 00:10:31,844
but you left me no choice.
221
00:10:33,899 --> 00:10:35,961
- We should probably call Regis.
- Reg...
222
00:10:36,524 --> 00:10:39,529
That guy scares me.
I think I'll leave him a text.
223
00:10:39,689 --> 00:10:42,197
Now, Kathy,
your last flip was heads.
224
00:10:42,356 --> 00:10:45,028
The one before that was tails.
You polled the audience,
225
00:10:45,189 --> 00:10:48,368
they came out split, 50/50.
No help at all there.
226
00:10:48,896 --> 00:10:52,819
So, for $258,000...
227
00:10:54,145 --> 00:10:57,318
I have to ask you, Kathy,
what's it gonna be: heads...
228
00:10:58,518 --> 00:10:59,526
or...
229
00:11:00,759 --> 00:11:01,691
Excuse me.
230
00:11:02,809 --> 00:11:04,482
Oh, boy. I've got to go.
231
00:11:04,779 --> 00:11:06,105
I've got to go!
232
00:11:08,338 --> 00:11:10,583
Green door,
red neon sign. Guys,
233
00:11:11,420 --> 00:11:13,604
this is the place.
I've actually,
234
00:11:13,765 --> 00:11:16,062
- I prepared a few words.
- I will eat your hand.
235
00:11:16,223 --> 00:11:18,454
Let's just go inside then.
Shall we?
236
00:11:19,223 --> 00:11:21,851
- Thank you.
- Yours will be right out.
237
00:11:24,712 --> 00:11:26,269
Please, go ahead, start.
238
00:11:27,678 --> 00:11:30,060
- Just shut up and eat.
- All right.
239
00:11:32,942 --> 00:11:33,893
Oh, my God.
240
00:11:34,335 --> 00:11:36,397
I'm never brushing my teeth again
241
00:11:36,517 --> 00:11:38,849
unless it's with a toothbrush
made from this burger.
242
00:11:39,887 --> 00:11:42,467
I think I just had
my first burg-asm.
243
00:11:43,687 --> 00:11:44,719
I want...
244
00:11:45,439 --> 00:11:47,526
to take this burger out to dinner,
245
00:11:47,984 --> 00:11:49,432
then maybe a movie,
246
00:11:50,028 --> 00:11:51,726
then take it back to my place,
247
00:11:51,846 --> 00:11:53,646
put on a little
Terence Trent D'arby,
248
00:11:53,766 --> 00:11:55,428
and then I would just...
249
00:11:56,029 --> 00:11:57,516
fool around a little bit.
250
00:11:57,636 --> 00:11:59,803
Nothing serious,
just take it slow, you know?
251
00:12:00,919 --> 00:12:02,580
- This isn't it.
- What?
252
00:12:02,700 --> 00:12:04,052
It's not it.
253
00:12:04,212 --> 00:12:06,467
Marshall, you might not
want to hear this, but...
254
00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:09,828
is it at all possible this is the same
burger you had eight years ago,
255
00:12:09,948 --> 00:12:12,399
only it could never live up
to your ridiculously high expectations?
256
00:12:12,519 --> 00:12:15,317
- I mean, it is just a burger.
- Just a burger?
257
00:12:19,493 --> 00:12:22,097
It's so much more
than just a burger.
258
00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:23,768
I mean,
259
00:12:24,457 --> 00:12:25,746
that first bite...
260
00:12:26,356 --> 00:12:28,935
Oh, what heaven
that first bite is.
261
00:12:29,325 --> 00:12:31,712
The bun, like a sesame-freckled
262
00:12:32,084 --> 00:12:34,668
breast of an angel, resting gently
263
00:12:34,787 --> 00:12:36,979
on the ketchup
and mustard below. Flavors
264
00:12:37,099 --> 00:12:39,461
mingling in a seductive pas de deux.
265
00:12:40,216 --> 00:12:41,252
And then...
266
00:12:43,095 --> 00:12:44,101
a pickle
267
00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:45,611
the most...
268
00:12:45,952 --> 00:12:48,043
playful... little pickle,
269
00:12:48,364 --> 00:12:51,824
and then a slice of tomato,
a leaf of lettuce, and a...
270
00:12:52,247 --> 00:12:54,808
a patty... of ground beef, so...
271
00:12:56,098 --> 00:12:57,206
exquisite...
272
00:12:57,835 --> 00:12:59,331
swirling in your mouth,
273
00:12:59,491 --> 00:13:02,080
breaking apart
and combining again in a fugue
274
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:04,313
of sweets and savories so...
275
00:13:05,698 --> 00:13:06,705
delightful.
276
00:13:07,464 --> 00:13:10,242
This is no mere sandwich
of grilled meat
277
00:13:10,536 --> 00:13:12,963
and toasted bread.
This is God...
278
00:13:14,085 --> 00:13:16,054
speaking to us through food.
279
00:13:18,611 --> 00:13:21,409
And you got our wedding vows
off the Internet.
280
00:13:23,159 --> 00:13:26,199
Okay, look, so, so this,
this isn't the place.
281
00:13:26,359 --> 00:13:29,638
All right, it's no big deal.
It's another place with a green door
282
00:13:29,758 --> 00:13:31,887
and a red neon sign
that says "Burger. "
283
00:13:32,007 --> 00:13:34,417
I'll just... I'll call
every restaurant in Manhattan
284
00:13:34,537 --> 00:13:36,717
and ask 'em
what color their door is.
285
00:13:37,524 --> 00:13:39,835
No big deal, right?
Let's do this.
286
00:13:44,526 --> 00:13:48,069
I'm going to go out on a limb here
and say this isn't just about a burger.
287
00:13:48,229 --> 00:13:50,306
Marshall's not doing
so well, guys.
288
00:13:50,426 --> 00:13:52,193
He really needs to get a job.
289
00:13:52,353 --> 00:13:55,359
- Tell them about the underpants.
- What about the underpants?
290
00:13:57,042 --> 00:13:58,942
It started a couple
of weeks ago.
291
00:13:59,804 --> 00:14:02,091
Heads!
It's going to be heads.
292
00:14:02,384 --> 00:14:04,108
It's almost usually heads.
293
00:14:05,161 --> 00:14:06,803
- Hey, baby.
- Hey!
294
00:14:08,177 --> 00:14:09,867
Did you put on pants today?
295
00:14:10,230 --> 00:14:11,232
Nope.
296
00:14:12,974 --> 00:14:16,521
It was funny at first,
but then it became a daily thing.
297
00:14:16,882 --> 00:14:19,812
I thought, "Okay, well, at least
he's not leaving the house like that. "
298
00:14:20,847 --> 00:14:23,687
Then, one day, he opened
the door to get the paper.
299
00:14:24,794 --> 00:14:27,925
Day after that,
went downstairs to get the mail.
300
00:14:28,955 --> 00:14:31,182
Everyone's got
an underpants radius.
301
00:14:31,614 --> 00:14:34,391
For most of us, it's the distance
from the bedroom to the bathroom,
302
00:14:35,142 --> 00:14:37,370
but as your self-esteem
gets smaller,
303
00:14:37,804 --> 00:14:39,889
your underpants radius gets bigger.
304
00:14:40,468 --> 00:14:43,016
How big is
Marshall's underpants radius?
305
00:14:44,523 --> 00:14:45,626
We're going.
306
00:14:51,796 --> 00:14:53,971
Come on, Lily,
he'll find a job eventually.
307
00:14:54,608 --> 00:14:56,496
You know, Lil,
when times are tough,
308
00:14:56,754 --> 00:14:59,298
I like to remember the uplifting words
of my favorite song.
309
00:14:59,984 --> 00:15:03,492
"We'll be on your side
when you need a friend
310
00:15:03,794 --> 00:15:07,631
"Through thick and thin
You can always depend
311
00:15:07,987 --> 00:15:13,002
"On the world leaders
In credit and banking
312
00:15:13,355 --> 00:15:17,036
"Goliath National Bank."
313
00:15:17,411 --> 00:15:18,525
Member FDIC.
314
00:15:20,005 --> 00:15:22,005
We've got to find
Marshall that burger.
315
00:15:22,165 --> 00:15:25,170
- I think we're all eating that burger.
- I'm not eating that burger.
316
00:15:25,330 --> 00:15:27,357
No, if Marshall says
this isn't the burger,
317
00:15:27,477 --> 00:15:28,586
this isn't it.
318
00:15:28,746 --> 00:15:30,375
- Finally.
- Excuse me.
319
00:15:30,495 --> 00:15:32,628
Did you guys change
cooks or something?
320
00:15:32,788 --> 00:15:36,669
Because my husband was here 5 years ago,
he's sure he had a different burger.
321
00:15:36,829 --> 00:15:38,986
Yeah, we get this a lot.
This place is modeled
322
00:15:39,106 --> 00:15:41,875
after this other place uptown with
the same green door and "Burger" sign.
323
00:15:42,034 --> 00:15:45,333
- What? Uptown? Where?
- 106th and Manhattan Avenue.
324
00:15:50,606 --> 00:15:51,615
Damn it.
325
00:15:52,322 --> 00:15:55,386
106. A numbered street. Of course.
326
00:15:58,323 --> 00:16:00,288
Barney, where the hell are you?
327
00:16:00,735 --> 00:16:02,579
I'm sorry, this is...?
328
00:16:02,739 --> 00:16:04,442
Regis. I'm at the place.
329
00:16:05,711 --> 00:16:09,555
Of course. I'm sorry, I forgot
to call you. That's not the place.
330
00:16:09,674 --> 00:16:11,650
The real place is on 106th
and Manhattan Avenue.
331
00:16:11,770 --> 00:16:14,782
- We're headed there right now.
- What? Uptown?
332
00:16:18,834 --> 00:16:21,058
Fine, fine, I'll be there in 20.
333
00:16:21,278 --> 00:16:22,789
If you get there first,
334
00:16:23,066 --> 00:16:24,764
- medium rare.
- Onions?
335
00:16:24,924 --> 00:16:27,263
- Onions?
- Okay, no onions.
336
00:16:27,423 --> 00:16:28,595
Stop the cab!
337
00:16:33,173 --> 00:16:34,183
Wait.
338
00:16:34,582 --> 00:16:35,661
This is it.
339
00:16:36,151 --> 00:16:37,634
Your search is over.
340
00:16:37,969 --> 00:16:40,315
We got girls taking
off their clothes.
341
00:16:40,435 --> 00:16:41,540
This is it.
342
00:16:51,705 --> 00:16:54,191
One of 9,000 convenient locations.
343
00:16:59,554 --> 00:17:02,061
It was ri...
it was right here. It was...
344
00:17:02,748 --> 00:17:04,208
it was right on this very spot.
345
00:17:04,436 --> 00:17:06,727
I don't understand.
Where is the burger place?
346
00:17:06,847 --> 00:17:09,816
It's not a burger place anymore,
it's a Goliath National Bank ATM.
347
00:17:09,977 --> 00:17:11,775
That's fine. Let's just eat here.
348
00:17:12,052 --> 00:17:14,233
We can't eat here. It's an ATM.
349
00:17:14,683 --> 00:17:16,113
But... food.
350
00:17:18,078 --> 00:17:19,726
What the...
This is your fault,
351
00:17:19,846 --> 00:17:21,398
you and your stupid bank.
352
00:17:21,518 --> 00:17:23,949
- You did this.
- It's not my... Stop, okay.
353
00:17:24,069 --> 00:17:25,241
Stop that, Lily.
354
00:17:25,515 --> 00:17:28,480
I will never use
a Goliath ATM ever again.
355
00:17:28,639 --> 00:17:30,889
Goliath National Bank sucks.
356
00:17:31,009 --> 00:17:33,644
It's the worst bank
on the face of the earth.
357
00:17:33,804 --> 00:17:36,906
Attention, New Yorkers,
this bank sucks!
358
00:17:37,025 --> 00:17:38,437
- They suck!
- Geez.
359
00:17:38,595 --> 00:17:41,318
- They suck, suck!
- Will you just tell her already?
360
00:17:41,553 --> 00:17:42,795
Tell me what?
361
00:17:44,574 --> 00:17:45,767
Tell me what?
362
00:17:46,349 --> 00:17:47,474
I got a job.
363
00:17:47,925 --> 00:17:49,142
What? Where?
364
00:17:50,306 --> 00:17:51,766
Goliath National Bank.
365
00:17:52,379 --> 00:17:55,001
That's why Barney's been going on
and on about how, how great Goliath is.
366
00:17:55,121 --> 00:17:58,306
He wanted you to be excited for me
since we will to working together.
367
00:17:58,466 --> 00:18:02,347
Well, technically not together.
You won't have access to my floor.
368
00:18:04,264 --> 00:18:06,679
But you want to be
an environmental lawyer.
369
00:18:06,839 --> 00:18:10,387
Yeah and I also want to be a Harlem
Globetrotter and get paid in candy, but
370
00:18:10,810 --> 00:18:12,079
in the meantime,
371
00:18:12,197 --> 00:18:15,102
I need a job, and this is,
this is a really good one.
372
00:18:15,384 --> 00:18:17,969
It's great pay and
there's good benefits,
373
00:18:18,859 --> 00:18:20,144
and to be honest,
374
00:18:20,941 --> 00:18:23,427
it gives me a reason to put
on pants in the morning.
375
00:18:23,686 --> 00:18:26,280
You know, I have my whole life
to save the planet, but right now
376
00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:28,842
I'm kind of really excited
to wear pants again.
377
00:18:29,409 --> 00:18:30,756
You've got great pants.
378
00:18:32,074 --> 00:18:34,032
- I love you.
- I love you.
379
00:18:36,414 --> 00:18:38,046
- They're unopened.
- Give it.
380
00:18:38,205 --> 00:18:39,839
- They're barbecue.
- Give it!
381
00:18:40,224 --> 00:18:42,255
I'm sorry you didn't get
your burger.
382
00:18:42,841 --> 00:18:45,605
It's stupid. I think about that
first week in New York.
383
00:18:45,725 --> 00:18:47,794
You know?
I was 22 years old.
384
00:18:48,363 --> 00:18:50,393
I had my whole future ahead of me.
385
00:18:50,849 --> 00:18:54,322
I guess I just kind of thought that if
I could have that burger one more time
386
00:18:55,214 --> 00:18:57,288
and feel that way
for one more night,
387
00:18:57,408 --> 00:18:59,455
that I might be able to
check that off the list,
388
00:18:59,575 --> 00:19:00,701
and grow up,
389
00:19:01,361 --> 00:19:04,362
go work for the stupid bank,
and just... be happy.
390
00:19:05,312 --> 00:19:08,539
You know, that burger place isn't gone.
It just moved to a new location.
391
00:19:09,991 --> 00:19:12,158
And I can tell you where that is
for a hundred bucks.
392
00:19:12,278 --> 00:19:14,328
A hundred bucks?
That's crazy.
393
00:19:16,394 --> 00:19:18,829
- Let's pay the man.
- I paid for the cab.
394
00:19:18,989 --> 00:19:21,286
- I have any cash.
- I haven't worked since March.
395
00:19:22,273 --> 00:19:24,814
If only there were an easy,
convenient way
396
00:19:24,934 --> 00:19:26,856
to get some cash right now.
397
00:19:36,172 --> 00:19:37,380
Member FDIC.
398
00:19:39,051 --> 00:19:41,599
So we paid the guy,
and 20 minutes later...
399
00:19:42,050 --> 00:19:43,141
Thank you.
400
00:19:43,399 --> 00:19:46,405
All right, Marshall, remember.
It might not taste as good.
401
00:19:46,565 --> 00:19:49,405
This place has changed,
you've changed, New York has changed.
402
00:19:49,564 --> 00:19:52,166
Just... don't get
your hopes up too high, okay?
403
00:20:02,747 --> 00:20:04,433
- This is it.
- Yes!
404
00:20:05,277 --> 00:20:06,837
It's exactly the same.
405
00:20:07,060 --> 00:20:08,900
It's the best burger in New York.
406
00:20:09,060 --> 00:20:10,705
Go ahead, eat up, eat up.
407
00:20:11,392 --> 00:20:14,482
And so, after finally tasting again
the burger he'd craved
408
00:20:14,642 --> 00:20:16,149
for so many years,
409
00:20:16,309 --> 00:20:19,272
Marshall got up the next morning,
put on some pants,
410
00:20:19,432 --> 00:20:20,686
and went to work,
411
00:20:21,151 --> 00:20:22,817
and he never looked back.
412
00:20:27,523 --> 00:20:30,723
I want to get tiny fitted sheets
for this burger, and just...
413
00:20:31,004 --> 00:20:32,773
crawl into this bun,
414
00:20:32,893 --> 00:20:35,040
get all cozy, and die there.
415
00:20:35,485 --> 00:20:36,862
Oh, my God.
416
00:20:36,982 --> 00:20:39,409
I just want you inside of me.
417
00:20:40,515 --> 00:20:42,181
This feels so good.
418
00:20:42,993 --> 00:20:45,447
I'm worried I'm gonna get
this burger pregnant.
419
00:20:45,860 --> 00:20:47,889
If he does get
that burger pregnant,
420
00:20:48,182 --> 00:20:50,661
I have dibs
on the delicious burger babies.
421
00:20:52,957 --> 00:20:54,733
- This isn't it.
- What?
422
00:20:55,494 --> 00:20:56,525
Come on.
423
00:20:56,645 --> 00:20:59,362
- That's outrageous.
- That is unbelievable.
424
00:21:00,804 --> 00:21:01,645
Wait.
425
00:21:01,764 --> 00:21:02,855
This is it!
426
00:21:04,665 --> 00:21:08,109
- You were just freakin' teasing us.
- No, really.