1 00:00:02,204 --> 00:00:05,002 Kids, in the fall of 2008, I had a little problem. 2 00:00:05,107 --> 00:00:07,075 All right, I gotta get to Stella's. 3 00:00:08,544 --> 00:00:11,138 Tonight's the night, guys. I've tried it before. I've failed every time. 4 00:00:11,246 --> 00:00:16,274 This time, I am gonna do it. Tonight I pick up a lesbian. 5 00:00:18,887 --> 00:00:22,790 - Robin, I need your lipstick. - Oh, man! 6 00:00:23,893 --> 00:00:26,123 - Take pictures, all right? - Bye, Ted. 7 00:00:28,364 --> 00:00:29,729 I lived in New York, 8 00:00:30,834 --> 00:00:34,292 but Stella lived across the river in New Jersey. 9 00:00:36,172 --> 00:00:37,537 Oh, man. 10 00:00:39,609 --> 00:00:41,736 Which meant I was always taking the train. 11 00:00:41,845 --> 00:00:44,177 - What's up, Ted? - Hey, Matisse. 12 00:00:45,615 --> 00:00:47,446 - Hey, T-Diddy! - Theodore! 13 00:00:47,550 --> 00:00:49,848 - You missed it. - Robin got that national anchor job. 14 00:00:49,953 --> 00:00:51,818 And we got a free bottle of champagne. 15 00:00:51,921 --> 00:00:55,187 - But it's empty now. - Oh, man. 16 00:00:55,659 --> 00:00:59,459 And as result, it seemed like I was missing out on everything. 17 00:01:00,130 --> 00:01:02,189 Sorry, we couldn't wait. It was getting cold. 18 00:01:02,299 --> 00:01:03,323 Oh, man! 19 00:01:03,434 --> 00:01:05,527 - Hey, big guy. - What's up, G? 20 00:01:06,270 --> 00:01:08,534 - Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine. It's just, 21 00:01:08,639 --> 00:01:10,231 you know, I wanna hang out with you guys. 22 00:01:10,341 --> 00:01:11,603 I wanna hang out with my friends. 23 00:01:11,709 --> 00:01:14,371 I just feel like I'm spending all my time on the train. 24 00:01:14,478 --> 00:01:16,036 Okay, how about this. Why don't you ask your friends 25 00:01:16,146 --> 00:01:19,445 - to come out here sometime? - That's a great idea. 26 00:01:19,783 --> 00:01:22,752 You want us to go to New Jersey? That is rich. 27 00:01:22,853 --> 00:01:24,821 - Why? - Well, for starters, 28 00:01:24,922 --> 00:01:27,390 I don't have any of my gold medallions anymore. 29 00:01:27,491 --> 00:01:31,121 I sold them when they went out of style 400 years ago. 30 00:01:31,696 --> 00:01:33,664 - Lily? - Sorry, Ted. 31 00:01:33,765 --> 00:01:35,426 I'm a born and raised New Yorker. 32 00:01:35,533 --> 00:01:39,367 I'm programmed to despise and loathe New Jersey and all that it stands for. 33 00:01:39,471 --> 00:01:42,804 Why am I telling you this? You hate New Jersey more than anyone. 34 00:01:42,908 --> 00:01:45,399 What? I don't hate New Jersey. Why would you think that? 35 00:01:46,011 --> 00:01:47,478 And then he cut in front of me! 36 00:01:47,579 --> 00:01:51,174 God, I hate line cutters more than I hate New Jersey! 37 00:01:52,083 --> 00:01:56,042 Well, that's not true. There is nothing I hate more than New Jersey. 38 00:01:57,289 --> 00:01:58,256 Huh? 39 00:02:00,892 --> 00:02:02,052 Right? 40 00:02:03,795 --> 00:02:05,320 Hey, you want us to wait for you or... 41 00:02:05,431 --> 00:02:08,628 No, I might be a while. I gotta drop a massive New Jersey. 42 00:02:09,869 --> 00:02:12,633 Okay, so New Jersey's not my favorite place. 43 00:02:12,738 --> 00:02:15,798 But once Stella and I get married and she and Lucy move in with me, 44 00:02:15,908 --> 00:02:18,001 I'll never set foot in New Jersey again. 45 00:02:18,110 --> 00:02:21,102 Unless I'm going to see a Giants game or flying out of Newark 46 00:02:21,213 --> 00:02:23,704 or, God forbid, disposing of a body. 47 00:02:24,050 --> 00:02:26,883 Ted, if you murder me and bury me in New Jersey, 48 00:02:26,986 --> 00:02:28,851 I'll haunt you forever. 49 00:02:29,288 --> 00:02:31,756 But if I murder you and bury you somewhere else? 50 00:02:31,857 --> 00:02:34,758 I'll leave you alone. I'm sure you had your reasons. 51 00:02:49,843 --> 00:02:53,279 Kids, your Aunt Robin was sick of her job at Metro News 1. 52 00:02:53,380 --> 00:02:55,109 She was sick of the low production value... 53 00:02:55,215 --> 00:02:57,877 I'm Robin Scherbatsky, and you're watching 54 00:02:59,586 --> 00:03:01,554 Etro News 1 at 11:00. 55 00:03:03,590 --> 00:03:05,251 And again at 1:00. 56 00:03:06,193 --> 00:03:07,990 ...sick of the stories she had to report... 57 00:03:08,095 --> 00:03:12,930 So hurry up and get your votes in for New York's cutest doggie. 58 00:03:14,135 --> 00:03:16,797 ...and most of all, she was sick of all the stupid puns. 59 00:03:16,904 --> 00:03:21,170 Four transit workers were electrocuted when a subway train jumped the tracks. 60 00:03:21,275 --> 00:03:26,679 Stay tuned for the shocking derails. Joel, people died. 61 00:03:29,017 --> 00:03:32,180 So when the call came in that she got the big national anchor job, 62 00:03:32,286 --> 00:03:35,915 she finally got to say the words she'd been dreaming of saying for years. 63 00:03:36,024 --> 00:03:38,185 Tonight will be my last broadcast. 64 00:03:38,292 --> 00:03:41,386 I came to Metro News 1 as a little caterpillar, 65 00:03:41,496 --> 00:03:45,125 and for four years, this desk has been my cocoon. 66 00:03:46,167 --> 00:03:50,298 But tonight, I emerge an ambitious butterfly. 67 00:03:51,006 --> 00:03:53,406 Why does she sound like an idiot? Did she have a stroke? 68 00:03:53,509 --> 00:03:57,969 Yeah. A stroke of genius. This speech is really good. 69 00:03:59,381 --> 00:04:03,010 With one eye on the horizon, one eye on the truth, 70 00:04:03,886 --> 00:04:06,446 and one eye on all of you. 71 00:04:07,489 --> 00:04:09,719 You wrote it for her, didn't you? 72 00:04:10,292 --> 00:04:13,489 It's a modified version of the speech I gave when I had to leave the swim team 73 00:04:13,595 --> 00:04:15,859 because of a chronic inner ear situation. 74 00:04:15,964 --> 00:04:19,400 - I thought you were the towel boy. - It's part of the team. 75 00:04:19,501 --> 00:04:22,732 So that Saturday, as Robin went off for her first day at her new job, 76 00:04:22,838 --> 00:04:24,033 we all headed across the river 77 00:04:24,140 --> 00:04:26,802 to experience some of that crazy New Jersey nightlife. 78 00:04:26,976 --> 00:04:29,467 Okay, Stella couldn't find a sitter, so we can't go out. 79 00:04:29,579 --> 00:04:34,175 Instead, we're all gonna hang out here, and it's gonna be just as awesome. 80 00:04:34,284 --> 00:04:36,718 Right? We got board games, we got movies, 81 00:04:36,820 --> 00:04:40,221 and I think there may be some beer out in the garage. 82 00:04:43,026 --> 00:04:46,826 Ted, this is pathetic. It's Saturday night. We should be out at a bar drinking alcohol. 83 00:04:46,930 --> 00:04:50,161 Now I know that that sounds depressing, bordering on tragic, but it's just a fact! 84 00:04:50,266 --> 00:04:52,757 Yeah, and I wanna take another crack at that chick, Doris. 85 00:04:52,869 --> 00:04:56,305 - I know I can land that lesbian plane. - No snakes on that plane. 86 00:04:58,508 --> 00:05:03,344 Okay, guys. Come on, you promised. Let's just hang out here, try to have fun. 87 00:05:03,447 --> 00:05:05,381 I mean, we're all together. 88 00:05:05,483 --> 00:05:08,281 Friends hanging out. Isn't that what really matters? 89 00:05:12,790 --> 00:05:15,520 Okay, if we take the next train, we can be at MacLaren's by 11:00. 90 00:05:15,626 --> 00:05:17,457 - We can be there by 10:00. - No, I have to change first. 91 00:05:17,561 --> 00:05:19,859 I am not walking into MacLaren's smelling like New Jersey. 92 00:05:19,964 --> 00:05:21,454 Whoa. 93 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:26,759 Wow. You guys really hate it here, huh? 94 00:05:26,871 --> 00:05:29,704 What? No, Stels. 95 00:05:30,307 --> 00:05:32,468 No. No, I get it. I mean, you guys are all New Yorkers. 96 00:05:32,576 --> 00:05:33,737 You need to go hang out at a bar. 97 00:05:33,845 --> 00:05:36,643 Well, you could just hang out at the coolest bar in the state, 98 00:05:36,748 --> 00:05:39,444 which is so close it will blow your mind. 99 00:05:41,052 --> 00:05:45,352 And boom goes the dynamite. The coolest bar in New Jersey. 100 00:05:45,457 --> 00:05:48,551 - Yeah, it probably is. - This is great! 101 00:05:49,161 --> 00:05:52,358 We got darts. Half a ping-pong table. 102 00:05:52,764 --> 00:05:55,232 A fish bowl. Look what turned out to be 103 00:05:55,634 --> 00:05:57,101 an awesome night as promised. 104 00:05:57,202 --> 00:05:59,864 Maybe we can drop some Bac-Os in here and make them fight. 105 00:05:59,971 --> 00:06:03,907 No, thanks. I don't mess with fish bowls unless they have my two favorite fish, 106 00:06:04,009 --> 00:06:07,706 the suckerfish and the blowfish. What up! 107 00:06:08,714 --> 00:06:11,205 For blowfish? I don't think so. 108 00:06:13,586 --> 00:06:15,713 - Marshall. - You're better than that. 109 00:06:15,821 --> 00:06:17,914 - Lily. - Not good enough. 110 00:06:18,691 --> 00:06:19,919 Stella? 111 00:06:22,695 --> 00:06:23,855 Sorry. 112 00:06:24,964 --> 00:06:28,263 I am not lowering this until someone gives me the respect 113 00:06:28,367 --> 00:06:31,564 of another person's knuckles tapping against mine 114 00:06:31,671 --> 00:06:34,139 in a light but decisive manner. 115 00:06:35,775 --> 00:06:39,609 Pretty, pretty. Pretty, pretty. Pretty... Who's a pretty baby? 116 00:06:41,614 --> 00:06:46,712 Then know this. Until it gets what it wants, nay, deserves, 117 00:06:47,521 --> 00:06:50,081 this fist will not yield. 118 00:06:51,658 --> 00:06:55,526 It will not yield. 119 00:06:57,397 --> 00:07:00,059 - So who wants to play Scrabble? - Sure, whatever. 120 00:07:00,267 --> 00:07:02,462 Heads up, the X tile is a little hard to read 121 00:07:02,569 --> 00:07:05,436 'cause a couple years ago, it went all the way through my dog. 122 00:07:07,241 --> 00:07:09,232 You know, maybe we should get a dog again, 123 00:07:09,343 --> 00:07:11,004 - when you move in. - When I what? 124 00:07:12,412 --> 00:07:14,471 Great. There's Robin. 125 00:07:20,154 --> 00:07:23,521 - I thought they were moving in with you? - So did I. 126 00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:28,324 Oh, God, am I moving to New Jersey? 127 00:07:29,097 --> 00:07:31,588 Hey, guys, I bet that dog was really flying high 128 00:07:31,699 --> 00:07:35,533 after it swallowed a little X. Nailed it! 129 00:07:37,305 --> 00:07:38,829 Come on! 130 00:07:42,910 --> 00:07:45,777 - I can't live here. - It wouldn't be that bad. 131 00:07:46,314 --> 00:07:49,147 You could put a minifridge over there and maybe some Nok Hockey. 132 00:07:49,250 --> 00:07:51,616 Nok Hockey. Nice one, big man. 133 00:07:52,287 --> 00:07:55,451 Yeah, I meant New Jersey in general, not this basement. 134 00:07:55,557 --> 00:07:59,220 She wants me to move here? I don't get it. We discussed this months ago. 135 00:07:59,862 --> 00:08:04,856 So I was thinking after the wedding, you and Lucy could move in here. 136 00:08:06,402 --> 00:08:09,064 Yeah, she could play out on the fire escape, 137 00:08:09,171 --> 00:08:12,004 maybe make friends with that guy who sleeps on that couch out in the alley, 138 00:08:12,107 --> 00:08:16,203 ride her bike up and down Broadway. That's a great idea, Ted. 139 00:08:18,213 --> 00:08:21,148 Look, I don't understand why you'd want to live in New Jersey 140 00:08:21,250 --> 00:08:23,115 when you have a chance to live in Manhattan. 141 00:08:23,218 --> 00:08:25,413 I thought having a rent-controlled apartment on the Upper West Side 142 00:08:25,521 --> 00:08:27,045 was half the reason she agreed to marry me. 143 00:08:27,156 --> 00:08:30,558 Really, I thought it was the whole reason. What is up? 144 00:08:31,328 --> 00:08:33,796 - Hey. - Robin, hey! Looking good. 145 00:08:34,364 --> 00:08:37,458 - Bump the Barnacle. - Stella already told me not to. 146 00:08:37,567 --> 00:08:39,501 - How was your first day? - It wasn't. 147 00:08:39,602 --> 00:08:41,536 - What? - It wasn't my first day. 148 00:08:41,638 --> 00:08:43,606 I showed up and there were 20 other people. 149 00:08:43,707 --> 00:08:47,074 It turns out, I didn't actually get the job. I only got an audition. 150 00:08:47,177 --> 00:08:48,769 - What, how did that happen? - I don't know, 151 00:08:48,878 --> 00:08:50,345 because he told me that I got it. 152 00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:52,409 I got it? I got it! 153 00:08:53,883 --> 00:08:56,317 And just to be clear, when I say "you got it," 154 00:08:56,419 --> 00:09:00,287 I mean an audition. You got an audition. 155 00:09:00,824 --> 00:09:05,159 I don't want there to be any confusion. You have an audition only. 156 00:09:05,529 --> 00:09:06,928 Not the job. 157 00:09:08,332 --> 00:09:09,697 Thank you! Thank you! 158 00:09:10,468 --> 00:09:12,959 Okay, I'm gonna call and beg Joel to give me my job back. 159 00:09:13,070 --> 00:09:15,163 - No. - You hated that job. 160 00:09:15,272 --> 00:09:16,637 I don't know. It wasn't so bad. 161 00:09:16,741 --> 00:09:19,301 Robin, what did they make you call Tropical Storm Hector 162 00:09:19,410 --> 00:09:21,344 when it was raining cats and dogs? 163 00:09:21,645 --> 00:09:23,169 A furricane. 164 00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:24,645 Hey, Ted. 165 00:09:25,349 --> 00:09:27,909 - Rock me like a furricane. - Nice. 166 00:09:28,586 --> 00:09:29,644 Mean. 167 00:09:30,121 --> 00:09:33,955 Okay, yeah, it sucks, but what can I do? I mean, I'm not gonna get that other job. 168 00:09:34,058 --> 00:09:36,117 You guys should have seen the other women at this audition. 169 00:09:36,227 --> 00:09:39,459 They all had more experience than me, were more ethnic than me. 170 00:09:39,564 --> 00:09:42,124 There was an African-American chick with blue eyes. 171 00:09:42,234 --> 00:09:43,929 How can I compete with that? 172 00:09:44,169 --> 00:09:45,295 You can't. 173 00:09:45,470 --> 00:09:47,301 No, you can compete with anyone. 174 00:09:47,406 --> 00:09:51,342 You're Robin Scherbatsky. You're confident, strong, tall, 175 00:09:51,443 --> 00:09:54,071 with crazy long legs that look great in shorts. 176 00:09:54,179 --> 00:09:55,305 I'm calling Joel. 177 00:09:55,414 --> 00:09:58,850 No, no. Robin, if you call him right now, you will hate yourself. 178 00:09:58,984 --> 00:10:02,283 Look, I have slept with lots of women who afterwards told me off 179 00:10:02,788 --> 00:10:05,757 and stormed out. And sometimes, they'd pick up the phone 180 00:10:05,857 --> 00:10:08,519 and they'd call me, and then we'd hook up again. 181 00:10:08,627 --> 00:10:11,562 And when we were finished, I could see that look on their faces, 182 00:10:11,663 --> 00:10:16,192 that look that says they hate themselves and they wish they'd never called. 183 00:10:16,836 --> 00:10:18,531 But if you could see that look... 184 00:10:18,638 --> 00:10:21,573 Actually, you can see that look, there's a video, www... 185 00:10:21,674 --> 00:10:24,142 No, no! Stop, okay? I won't call. 186 00:10:25,011 --> 00:10:27,377 Don't drink the beer! I just remembered when I bought it. 187 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:29,414 It was right before I got pregnant with Lucy. 188 00:10:29,515 --> 00:10:32,075 Ted, would you mind running to PriceCo and picking some up? 189 00:10:32,251 --> 00:10:34,048 And while you're there, maybe you could sign up for a card. 190 00:10:34,153 --> 00:10:37,645 I mean, you'll probably end up going there all the time. 191 00:10:39,459 --> 00:10:41,017 That's the look. 192 00:10:43,262 --> 00:10:46,959 I can't move here. I hate it here. I would kill myself. 193 00:10:47,066 --> 00:10:50,503 Maybe New Jersey's not that bad, okay? Stella has a lawn. 194 00:10:50,604 --> 00:10:53,198 You could get a riding lawn mower. They sell them over there. 195 00:10:53,307 --> 00:10:57,403 I saw one with a cup holder. I saw a recliner with a built-in cup holder. 196 00:10:57,511 --> 00:10:59,206 I even saw a hammock with a cup holder. 197 00:10:59,313 --> 00:11:01,747 You live in New Jersey, you never have to hold a cup again. 198 00:11:01,849 --> 00:11:04,750 I don't think I have as big a problem holding cups as you do. 199 00:11:04,852 --> 00:11:08,720 I will give you $100 to fist bump me. 200 00:11:10,757 --> 00:11:12,122 $200. 201 00:11:12,392 --> 00:11:16,226 Just put it down, Barney. Your arm must be killing you by now. 202 00:11:18,265 --> 00:11:19,789 $10,000. 203 00:11:21,001 --> 00:11:23,630 Look, you'll be right across the river. You'll be in New York all the time. 204 00:11:23,738 --> 00:11:25,399 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah. 205 00:11:25,874 --> 00:11:28,035 Excuse me. You guys are from New York, right? 206 00:11:28,142 --> 00:11:29,769 Yeah, we moved here from Manhattan. 207 00:11:29,878 --> 00:11:32,142 - Do you ever get into the city? - All the time. 208 00:11:32,247 --> 00:11:33,441 See? All the time. 209 00:11:33,548 --> 00:11:36,779 - When was the last time you were there? - We just had dinner at O'Rourke's. 210 00:11:36,885 --> 00:11:38,910 That's been closed for six years. 211 00:11:39,020 --> 00:11:41,955 Maybe it has been a while. Funny, we don't miss it. 212 00:11:42,056 --> 00:11:46,083 I guess we're New Jersey-ians now. Honey, look, dog shirts. 213 00:11:48,663 --> 00:11:50,654 I can't do it. I'm just gonna tell Stella 214 00:11:50,765 --> 00:11:53,393 she and Lucy have to move into the city and that's that. 215 00:11:53,501 --> 00:11:57,529 Okay, what do you guys think? Beagle or Boston terrier? 216 00:12:01,510 --> 00:12:03,375 Are those tears? 217 00:12:04,713 --> 00:12:08,774 They're awesome, manly pain tears. They're not emotional. 218 00:12:10,319 --> 00:12:12,879 Okay, they're a little bit emotional. 219 00:12:13,656 --> 00:12:15,123 Where's Robin? 220 00:12:16,492 --> 00:12:17,925 Oh, no. She's... 221 00:12:18,961 --> 00:12:21,395 Hey, Shirley, it's Robin calling for Joel. 222 00:12:21,497 --> 00:12:24,864 - Robin, hang up the phone. Don't do this. - Sorry, I know, okay? 223 00:12:24,967 --> 00:12:29,404 - If you don't hang up right now... - Stop! Hey, Joel, it's Robin. 224 00:12:29,772 --> 00:12:32,332 So Madam Butterfly wants to come back to the cocoon. 225 00:12:33,610 --> 00:12:35,669 Yeah, look, I'm sorry I said all that stuff. 226 00:12:35,779 --> 00:12:37,770 Well, you can stick your sorries in your sock drawer 227 00:12:37,881 --> 00:12:39,405 'cause you've already been replaced. 228 00:12:39,516 --> 00:12:42,542 I've got Brian in makeup and he couldn't be more excited. 229 00:12:42,919 --> 00:12:45,513 I can't do this. I can't do this. 230 00:12:45,855 --> 00:12:50,224 Okay, look, as much as I wanna see college boy here wet himself on camera, 231 00:12:50,327 --> 00:12:52,227 if you can get here in time to read the 11:00 news, 232 00:12:52,329 --> 00:12:53,455 you can have your old job back. 233 00:12:54,764 --> 00:12:57,358 Okay, I have a half hour to make it to the studio. 234 00:12:57,467 --> 00:12:59,628 There's no way you can make it to the city in a half hour. 235 00:12:59,736 --> 00:13:00,725 Robin, don't do this. 236 00:13:00,837 --> 00:13:04,102 I know it's scary to bet on yourself, but if you don't, nobody else will. 237 00:13:04,207 --> 00:13:05,902 And I'm not just saying that to get a fist bump. 238 00:13:06,009 --> 00:13:08,444 Although, come on, a fist bump would be great. But I really mean that. 239 00:13:08,546 --> 00:13:12,846 I am betting on myself. I am betting that I can make it there by 11:00. 240 00:13:28,966 --> 00:13:30,058 Hey, did you get the beer? 241 00:13:30,167 --> 00:13:34,228 Yeah, I got a 144-pack. The rest is in the trunk. 242 00:13:34,338 --> 00:13:37,239 - And did you sign up for the membership? - No. 243 00:13:38,109 --> 00:13:39,974 - Why not? - There was a line for the photos. 244 00:13:40,077 --> 00:13:43,377 My hair's a mess. I don't wanna move to New Jersey. 245 00:13:44,116 --> 00:13:45,777 - What? - I can't do it, 246 00:13:45,884 --> 00:13:49,513 and I can't see any reason why you and Lucy shouldn't move to New York. 247 00:13:49,621 --> 00:13:51,486 Well, my daughter goes to school here, 248 00:13:51,590 --> 00:13:53,615 all of her friends are here, I've lived here my whole life, 249 00:13:53,725 --> 00:13:56,626 my whole family is here, this is my house, I'm on the PTA 250 00:13:56,728 --> 00:13:59,561 and, as of June 1, I'm the deputy mayor. 251 00:14:01,133 --> 00:14:04,591 Yes, but my apartment is really close to the subway. 252 00:14:06,238 --> 00:14:08,968 Ted, we're not moving. End of discussion. 253 00:14:09,074 --> 00:14:12,134 How can it be end of discussion if there's never been a discussion? 254 00:14:12,244 --> 00:14:15,042 This is part of being a parent. I can't just uproot Lucy. 255 00:14:15,147 --> 00:14:19,278 People with kids move all the time. I think it would be really great for Lucy 256 00:14:19,385 --> 00:14:20,852 to grow up in the greatest city in the world. 257 00:14:20,953 --> 00:14:23,615 Here we go. New York's the greatest city in the whole wide world. 258 00:14:23,723 --> 00:14:26,556 It's where dreams come true and pigeon poop tastes like tapioca. 259 00:14:26,659 --> 00:14:30,891 Wanna know a little secret, Ted? New Jersey is better than New York. 260 00:14:31,531 --> 00:14:34,591 Better than... You think... I... 261 00:14:34,967 --> 00:14:38,630 The Empire State... H&H... 262 00:14:38,738 --> 00:14:42,538 Lincoln... Zabar's... Papaya King! 263 00:14:43,376 --> 00:14:46,709 New York is the intellectual and cultural hub of the planet. 264 00:14:46,813 --> 00:14:50,408 New York is full of weirdoes and snobs and mean people. 265 00:14:50,516 --> 00:14:52,712 Ted, do you know that, once, an old lady actually called me a bitch 266 00:14:52,820 --> 00:14:54,617 and threw a cat in my face? 267 00:14:54,722 --> 00:14:57,190 And you wanna know if that happened in New Jersey? Uh-uh. 268 00:14:57,291 --> 00:15:00,590 86th and Lex, right in front of your beloved little Papaya King. 269 00:15:00,694 --> 00:15:03,424 Ted, people are nice in New Jersey. 270 00:15:03,530 --> 00:15:05,555 I mean, it's the kind of place where you know your neighbors. 271 00:15:05,666 --> 00:15:08,692 - Hey, I know my neighbors. - Oh, yeah? Like who? 272 00:15:09,036 --> 00:15:12,062 Right across the hall, I got Claxpamon. 273 00:15:13,006 --> 00:15:15,304 - Claxpamon? - His name is Paxton. 274 00:15:15,409 --> 00:15:16,899 Love that dude. 275 00:15:18,212 --> 00:15:20,680 Sorry, in a hurry. Gotta get to the front. Gotta get off first. 276 00:15:21,048 --> 00:15:22,640 Don't run over Matisse. 277 00:15:23,250 --> 00:15:24,717 Okay, Stella, this is crazy. 278 00:15:24,818 --> 00:15:28,846 You can't actually think that New Jersey is better than New York. 279 00:15:28,957 --> 00:15:31,323 New York has Broadway. We win right there. 280 00:15:31,426 --> 00:15:34,827 Oh, no, she did not. Knuckle up for safety. 281 00:15:35,430 --> 00:15:36,454 We have Atlantic City. 282 00:15:36,564 --> 00:15:39,761 Can't beat the AC. Pretty please? No one has to know. 283 00:15:40,268 --> 00:15:42,896 - New York has Greenwich Village. - New Jersey has the Shore. 284 00:15:43,004 --> 00:15:44,028 Woody Allen. 285 00:15:44,139 --> 00:15:48,337 Oscar-winning chronicler of urban neuroses. Bump it! 286 00:15:48,443 --> 00:15:50,172 - Bruce Springsteen. - Sinatra! 287 00:15:50,278 --> 00:15:52,337 Yeah, he's from Hoboken, New Jersey. 288 00:15:52,447 --> 00:15:56,907 Yeah, but what city is he singing about? It's not Secaucus, Secaucus. 289 00:16:01,857 --> 00:16:03,017 Come on. 290 00:16:04,660 --> 00:16:07,390 Now, you kids can either believe this or not, 291 00:16:07,496 --> 00:16:11,057 but this is how your Aunt Robin swears it happened. 292 00:16:16,605 --> 00:16:20,166 Look, Stella, I understand that, coming from New Jersey, 293 00:16:20,276 --> 00:16:22,642 you don't picture yourself loving New York, 294 00:16:22,745 --> 00:16:25,339 but trust me, Marshall didn't expect to, 295 00:16:25,447 --> 00:16:27,813 and now he wouldn't think of living anywhere else. 296 00:16:27,917 --> 00:16:29,248 I hate New York! 297 00:16:30,452 --> 00:16:31,976 I'm sorry, but it's true. 298 00:16:32,087 --> 00:16:36,023 Okay, today I was walking around PriceCo. Have you ever been there? It's huge. 299 00:16:36,125 --> 00:16:39,493 All the stores in New York are so cramped. Every time I turn, I knock something over. 300 00:16:39,596 --> 00:16:43,464 I'm like some huge monster that came out of the ocean to destroy bodegas. 301 00:16:43,567 --> 00:16:47,697 - But, Marshall, you love New York. - Yeah, I do, except that I hate it. 302 00:16:47,804 --> 00:16:49,965 I'm too big for New York, okay? 303 00:16:50,073 --> 00:16:52,564 I'm always trying to fit into cramped little subway seats 304 00:16:52,676 --> 00:16:55,042 or duck under doorways that were built 150 years ago. 305 00:16:55,145 --> 00:16:57,943 Hey, guess what? People are bigger now. Build bigger doorways. 306 00:16:58,048 --> 00:17:01,040 - What the hell is the matter with you? - Small city, big man, give it up. 307 00:17:01,151 --> 00:17:05,281 And it's so loud all the time. Yes, it's the city that never sleeps. 308 00:17:05,388 --> 00:17:09,722 Well, guess what, I like to sleep. I've been tired for eight years. 309 00:17:09,826 --> 00:17:12,421 Tired and scared with black and blue marks on my elbows 310 00:17:12,530 --> 00:17:14,998 from trying to fit through all these tiny elf doorways. 311 00:17:15,099 --> 00:17:16,623 New Jersey's great. 312 00:17:16,734 --> 00:17:21,671 It's got huge stores and lawns and you never have to carry a cup again. 313 00:17:21,772 --> 00:17:27,142 Not for the rest of your life. I'm not afraid to say it. I love New Jersey. 314 00:17:30,181 --> 00:17:31,808 I'm just kidding. 315 00:17:33,818 --> 00:17:37,276 Look, Stella, I get it, okay? 316 00:17:38,322 --> 00:17:41,655 I see what you're saying. I guess, 317 00:17:43,561 --> 00:17:45,552 we could live in Brooklyn. 318 00:17:46,698 --> 00:17:51,328 You know what, Ted? Live wherever you want. I don't care. 319 00:17:59,344 --> 00:18:01,403 Awkward silence. Tap it. 320 00:18:13,725 --> 00:18:16,091 Hey, Lucy. What are you doing up? 321 00:18:16,194 --> 00:18:18,685 There were some loud noises in the basement. 322 00:18:18,797 --> 00:18:20,264 Sorry about that. 323 00:18:20,365 --> 00:18:23,961 - Why don't you get back to bed, sweetie? - I can't go to sleep without a story. 324 00:18:24,070 --> 00:18:27,870 - Okay, I'll just get your mom... - Why don't you read it to me? 325 00:18:29,676 --> 00:18:31,143 Okay, come on. 326 00:18:31,244 --> 00:18:34,873 You know she thrills me with all her charms 327 00:18:36,182 --> 00:18:40,346 When I'm wrapped up in my baby's arms 328 00:18:41,854 --> 00:18:45,847 My little girl gives me everything 329 00:18:47,894 --> 00:18:52,991 When I'm walking down the street with you 330 00:18:53,099 --> 00:18:57,366 Sing sha la la la la la la 331 00:19:00,341 --> 00:19:01,899 I'm moving here. 332 00:19:03,877 --> 00:19:05,970 - Really? - Really. 333 00:19:07,214 --> 00:19:08,875 New Jersey wins. 334 00:19:29,236 --> 00:19:30,601 Thank you! 335 00:19:31,973 --> 00:19:33,167 Wait! 336 00:19:44,185 --> 00:19:45,174 Good evening, New York. 337 00:19:45,754 --> 00:19:47,619 Hey, look, she made it. 338 00:19:47,822 --> 00:19:49,084 Our top story tonight, 339 00:19:49,190 --> 00:19:52,785 the newborn panda at the Central Park Zoo got its first tooth today. 340 00:19:52,894 --> 00:19:56,625 I guess that makes her a molar bear. 341 00:19:57,899 --> 00:19:58,957 Molar bear. 342 00:20:00,735 --> 00:20:01,997 Molar bear. 343 00:20:03,838 --> 00:20:08,276 You know what? I really am done. Good night, New York. 344 00:20:13,416 --> 00:20:15,509 Wow, she really quit. 345 00:20:15,618 --> 00:20:17,984 You think we had anything to do with that? 346 00:20:18,087 --> 00:20:20,351 Yeah, I think we did. 347 00:20:21,991 --> 00:20:23,583 Nice job, Barney. 348 00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:28,491 Oh, my God! Thank you! 349 00:20:30,466 --> 00:20:32,491 That was killing my arm. 350 00:20:32,601 --> 00:20:35,161 My arm hasn't been this sore since I was 13 years old 351 00:20:35,271 --> 00:20:38,331 and figured out how to lock a bathroom. Up top. 352 00:20:40,944 --> 00:20:42,138 Oh, no. 353 00:20:45,282 --> 00:20:46,772 - Hey. - Hey. 354 00:20:46,883 --> 00:20:48,851 - Hey. - What's wrong? 355 00:20:48,952 --> 00:20:50,920 Well, I officially didn't get that job. 356 00:20:52,089 --> 00:20:53,249 - I'm so sorry. - That's okay. 357 00:20:53,356 --> 00:20:55,824 They offered me another one. 358 00:20:55,926 --> 00:20:58,258 Hey, that's great. What are you gonna be doing? 359 00:20:58,361 --> 00:21:02,354 Foreign correspondent. I'm moving to Japan.