1
00:00:01,330 --> 00:00:04,000
I am not impressed with the talent in here tonight.

2
00:00:04,060 --> 00:00:06,400
And the more I drink, the less attractive they get.

3
00:00:06,460 --> 00:00:08,230
I'm one scotch and soda away

4
00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:10,160
from the Cantina scene in Star Wars.

5
00:00:10,230 --> 00:00:12,530
What about those girls over there?They're hot.

6
00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:13,800
They're not hot.

7
00:00:13,860 --> 00:00:14,930
Are you kidding?

8
00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:16,730
I hated their guts the second I saw them.

9
00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:18,230
Which means they're hot.

10
00:00:18,300 --> 00:00:20,560
In fact, I hated them almost as much as 

11
00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:22,700
I hated Robin when I first met her.

12
00:00:22,760 --> 00:00:24,330
You hated me? A lot.

13
00:00:26,030 --> 00:00:27,800
Barney, they're hot.

14
00:00:28,660 --> 00:00:31,130
Oh, there is so much to teach you all.

15
00:00:31,130 --> 00:00:35,360
You have just become victims of...The Cheerleader effect.

16
00:00:35,430 --> 00:00:36,400
Glad you asked.

17
00:00:36,460 --> 00:00:37,900
The Cheerleader Effect

18
00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:39,930
is when group of women seems hot

19
00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:41,660
but only as a group.

20
00:00:41,730 --> 00:00:43,160
Just like with cheerleaders.

21
00:00:43,230 --> 00:00:44,660
They seem hot,

22
00:00:44,730 --> 00:00:46,660
but take each one of them individually?

23
00:00:46,730 --> 00:00:48,130
Sled dogs.

24
00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:49,460
That's insane.

25
00:00:49,530 --> 00:00:50,960
Take a good, hard look

26
00:00:51,030 --> 00:00:52,000
at each one of those girls.

27
00:00:52,060 --> 00:00:53,900
Individually.

28
00:01:11,900 --> 00:01:13,230
I don't know.

29
00:01:13,300 --> 00:01:15,060
The one on the end is kind of cute.

30
00:01:15,130 --> 00:01:17,100
Yeah, she really is.

31
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,560
And that, my friends, is "The Cheerleader Effect."

32
00:01:19,630 --> 00:01:22,330
Also known as the Bridesmaid Paradox, 

33
00:01:22,330 --> 00:01:24,060
Sorority Girl Syndrome,

34
00:01:24,130 --> 00:01:26,100
and for a brief window in the mid-'90s,

35
00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:28,200
the Spice Girls Conspiracy.

36
00:01:28,260 --> 00:01:30,730
Scary Spice indeed.

37
00:01:34,900 --> 00:01:36,830
Barney Stinson.

38
00:01:36,900 --> 00:01:38,800
Oh, hi.

39
00:01:38,860 --> 00:01:40,330
Okay.

40
00:01:40,330 --> 00:01:42,230
Got it.

41
00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:44,130
Great, we'll be in touch.

42
00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:48,160
What?

43
00:01:48,230 --> 00:01:50,700
Apparently, I'm gonna be a dad.

44
00:02:05,930 --> 00:02:07,160
What do you mean you're gonna be a dad?

45
00:02:07,230 --> 00:02:09,000
How did, how did this happen?

46
00:02:09,060 --> 00:02:11,630
It was just some girl I hook up with a few weeks back.

47
00:02:11,700 --> 00:02:12,700
She's not sure.

48
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:14,100
She's gonna go to the doctor in the morning.

49
00:02:14,170 --> 00:02:15,500
Maybe it's a false alarm.

50
00:02:15,570 --> 00:02:16,600
Maybe she's not pregnant.

51
00:02:16,670 --> 00:02:18,200
Lily,

52
00:02:18,270 --> 00:02:21,470
no part of Barney Stinson does anything less than 110%.

53
00:02:21,540 --> 00:02:23,500
If one of my little Michael Phelpses got loose,

54
00:02:23,570 --> 00:02:24,570
he's swimming for the gold.

55
00:02:24,640 --> 00:02:26,570
Oh, this is a nightmare.

56
00:02:26,640 --> 00:02:27,870
I don't want kids.

57
00:02:27,940 --> 00:02:30,600
Who in their right mind would ever want kids?

58
00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:32,800
Now, when you turn 30

59
00:02:32,870 --> 00:02:35,140
and you're in a couple, a strange thing happens.

60
00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:37,640
You start to see babies everywhere.

61
00:02:51,070 --> 00:02:53,140
Oh, come on.

62
00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:56,470
Yes, Marshall and Lily were coming down with baby fever.

63
00:02:56,540 --> 00:02:58,270
And their new neighbor weren't helping.

64
00:02:58,340 --> 00:03:00,500
Did you lose a sock there, little dude?

65
00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:05,070
That is without a doubt the cutest little thing

66
00:03:05,140 --> 00:03:06,340
I've ever seen.

67
00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:08,000
There's my little peanut.

68
00:03:08,070 --> 00:03:10,040
That night they sat down to have a serious

69
00:03:10,100 --> 00:03:12,340
practical discussion about having kids.

70
00:03:12,340 --> 00:03:13,870
So, if we have a baby,

71
00:03:13,940 --> 00:03:16,570
do you think you could work fewer hours?

72
00:03:16,640 --> 00:03:18,570
Doesn't matter--he's gonna be so cute,

73
00:03:18,640 --> 00:03:20,600
I'm gonna eat him up on the first day.

74
00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:22,270
Okay.

75
00:03:22,340 --> 00:03:23,700
But, but what about money?

76
00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:25,340
We're still in a ton of debt.

77
00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:27,170
Oh, well, we'll count our overdue bills

78
00:03:27,270 --> 00:03:30,000
on his teenie tiny fingers.

79
00:03:30,100 --> 00:03:31,540
Let's have a baby.

80
00:03:36,570 --> 00:03:37,540
Oh, oh, right now?

81
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:39,100
Oh, okay.

82
00:03:39,170 --> 00:03:41,540
There was just one thing in their way.

83
00:03:45,370 --> 00:03:47,100
And that thing happened to be unemployed

84
00:03:47,170 --> 00:03:48,770
and sleeping on their couch.

85
00:03:53,170 --> 00:03:54,670
So, Robin, um,

86
00:03:54,740 --> 00:03:56,800
how's the job and apartment search going?

87
00:03:57,270 --> 00:03:58,270
Oh, you didn't hear?

88
00:03:58,340 --> 00:04:00,000
I'm the lead anchor on CNN.

89
00:04:00,070 --> 00:04:01,700
And I got a penthouse

90
00:04:01,770 --> 00:04:03,570
overlooking Central Park made of gold.

91
00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:06,370
Get your head out of your ass, Marshall.

92
00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:09,570
They realized if they were going to start a family

93
00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:11,740
they had to plan ahead.

94
00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:14,770
So, Robin,would you mind crashing at Ted's tomorrow night?

95
00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:18,270
I'm, uh, cooking Marshall a special dinner.

96
00:04:18,340 --> 00:04:21,140
Just dinner. That's it.Nothing else.

97
00:04:21,340 --> 00:04:21,800
Fine.

98
00:04:22,270 --> 00:04:24,370
But you'd better not be as uptight as these idiots

99
00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:26,040
about me shooting beer cans on the roof.

100
00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:28,970
"it hurt my ears.

101
00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:30,440
"The neighbors called the cops.

102
00:04:30,500 --> 00:04:32,370
You almost hit me."

103
00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:34,670
Enjoy her, Ted. She's in a real good place right now.

104
00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:40,500
God? It's me.

105
00:04:40,570 --> 00:04:41,840
Barney.

106
00:04:41,900 --> 00:04:43,040
What up?

107
00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:46,140
I know we don't talk much,

108
00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:49,140
though a lot of girls call out your name because of me.

109
00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:51,140
Awesome.

110
00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:53,640
But, God... 

111
00:04:53,700 --> 00:04:56,600
if you could get me out of this,

112
00:04:56,670 --> 00:04:59,570
I swear I will never ever,

113
00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:02,440
ever, ever, ever, ever, ever...

114
00:05:03,740 --> 00:05:05,740
I...

115
00:05:06,670 --> 00:05:08,370
Ooh, hang on, bro.

116
00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:10,540
Go for Barney.

117
00:05:14,370 --> 00:05:16,340
Really?

118
00:05:24,170 --> 00:05:25,800
Marshall,

119
00:05:25,870 --> 00:05:26,940
great news!

120
00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:28,140
I'm not a father!

121
00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:30,040
Congratulations, buddy.

122
00:05:31,140 --> 00:05:33,070
This is the happiest moment of my life, Marshall.

123
00:05:33,140 --> 00:05:36,040
The way I feel about not having kids?

124
00:05:36,100 --> 00:05:38,700
I never knew I could love something this much.

125
00:05:38,770 --> 00:05:41,700
That's why I'm creating a holiday.

126
00:05:41,770 --> 00:05:44,140
From now on, today will be known

127
00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:46,170
as "Not a Father's Day."

128
00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:47,970
You're creating a holiday?

129
00:05:48,170 --> 00:05:49,270
Yeah, why not?

130
00:05:49,340 --> 00:05:50,470
Everyone else gets a day:

131
00:05:50,540 --> 00:05:52,370
Mothers, Fathers, Bastilles.

132
00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:53,470
Why can't there be a day

133
00:05:53,540 --> 00:05:56,000
for people who are single and like it that way?

134
00:05:56,070 --> 00:05:58,500
Well, now you just sound like the chubby girl on Valentine's Day.

135
00:05:59,070 --> 00:06:01,100
-Hello,Stinson. -Hey, Nolan.

136
00:06:01,170 --> 00:06:02,600
How are the kids?

137
00:06:03,670 --> 00:06:05,900
You ready for tonight, Eriksen?

138
00:06:05,970 --> 00:06:07,000
Big merger.

139
00:06:07,070 --> 00:06:11,140
Well, that's between me and my wife, sir.

140
00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:12,800
No. The meeting with Mr. Li. Tonight.

141
00:06:12,870 --> 00:06:14,640
I thought, I thought that was a breakfast meeting.

142
00:06:14,700 --> 00:06:16,140
It is. Breakfast in China.

143
00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:17,470
We're teleconferencing with the Chinese.

144
00:06:17,540 --> 00:06:18,940
I'm counting on you, kid.

145
00:06:22,070 --> 00:06:23,770
Marshall?

146
00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:25,370
Hey, babe.

147
00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:27,000
It's breakfast time in China.

148
00:06:27,070 --> 00:06:28,770
Yeah, it is.

149
00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:30,070
Not a euphemism.

150
00:06:30,140 --> 00:06:31,340
Look, I...

151
00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:32,640
Wait, what would that even mean?

152
00:06:32,700 --> 00:06:35,240
I don't know, hot buns, spicy pork?

153
00:06:35,300 --> 00:06:37,240
There's something there.

154
00:06:37,300 --> 00:06:39,300
You're not coming home tonight, are you?

155
00:06:41,140 --> 00:06:43,340
Are you shaking your head "no?"

156
00:06:44,970 --> 00:06:47,540
I thought so.

157
00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:50,370
Oh, thank you, guys, for coming over so fast.

158
00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:51,770
Are you all right?

159
00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:53,240
You sounded upset on the phone.

160
00:06:53,300 --> 00:06:55,370
Marshall and I made this big decision

161
00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:57,670
to have... dinner.

162
00:06:57,740 --> 00:07:02,100
And I thought I was ready to-to have... dinner.

163
00:07:02,170 --> 00:07:05,070
But then he called and canceled, and it got me thinking.

164
00:07:05,140 --> 00:07:08,370
Is it too early for us to have... dinner?

165
00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:10,700
Well, I had an early lunch, so I'm ready for dinner.

166
00:07:10,700 --> 00:07:11,870
Dinner is a baby!

167
00:07:11,940 --> 00:07:13,770
Lily, that's horrible!

168
00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:18,240
No, no, I,I need you guys to figure something out for me.

169
00:07:18,300 --> 00:07:19,000
What?

170
00:07:19,070 --> 00:07:22,340
Are Marshall and I ready to have a baby?

171
00:07:26,900 --> 00:07:30,240
So are Marshall and I ready to have a baby or not?

172
00:07:30,300 --> 00:07:33,400
Lily, we can't make this decision for you.

173
00:07:33,470 --> 00:07:35,240
-It's huge. -You know what else is huge?

174
00:07:35,300 --> 00:07:36,570
Marshall's head.

175
00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:38,640
That thing's the size of a late August watermelon.

176
00:07:38,700 --> 00:07:40,940
Marshall's baby coming through there?

177
00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:42,600
Yowza!

178
00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:44,400
What does Marshall think?

179
00:07:44,470 --> 00:07:46,600
Probably a lot in that 1950s space helmet

180
00:07:46,670 --> 00:07:48,370
of a head he's walking around with.

181
00:07:49,100 --> 00:07:51,040
Marshall really excited.

182
00:07:51,100 --> 00:07:54,040
But I think he only sees what's cute about having a baby,

183
00:07:54,100 --> 00:07:55,700
not what's hard about it.

184
00:07:55,770 --> 00:07:56,400
Like the other day,

185
00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:58,600
while Marshall was playing with baby Jeremy,

186
00:07:58,670 --> 00:08:00,300
I was talking to Jeremy's mom.

187
00:08:00,370 --> 00:08:01,740
Thanks so much for inviting us over.

188
00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:03,900
I have not talked to another adult in, like, weeks.

189
00:08:03,970 --> 00:08:05,040
Well, besides my husband.

190
00:08:05,100 --> 00:08:06,540
But "It's your turn to change him"

191
00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:08,840
and "Make him shut up" really doesn't count as conversation.

192
00:08:08,900 --> 00:08:10,770
Sorry, I'm rambling.

193
00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:11,870
I haven't gotten laid in seven months.

194
00:08:11,940 --> 00:08:13,200
Oh, I just did it again!

195
00:08:13,270 --> 00:08:14,740
Sleep deprivation!

196
00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:16,700
Oh, wait, I'm not crying, am I?

197
00:08:16,770 --> 00:08:18,640
I usually am.

198
00:08:18,700 --> 00:08:19,700
I don't mean to complain.

199
00:08:19,770 --> 00:08:21,100
Oh, now I feel bad!

200
00:08:21,170 --> 00:08:23,540
there's my little peanut!

201
00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:26,100
Oh, I love you so much!

202
00:08:26,170 --> 00:08:28,600
I'm going to be as strung out as Charlotte.

203
00:08:28,670 --> 00:08:30,200
Worse actually.

204
00:08:30,270 --> 00:08:32,440
At least her husband works from home.

205
00:08:32,500 --> 00:08:35,300
I mean, he's a pot dealer, but he's a very involved parent.

206
00:08:35,670 --> 00:08:37,240
Marshall will be a great dad.

207
00:08:37,300 --> 00:08:39,070
Marshall's always at the office,

208
00:08:39,140 --> 00:08:41,370
and, and I'm afraid that if we have a baby now,

209
00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:43,140
all the work will fall on me.

210
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:45,940
You're just panicing and focusing on the downside.

211
00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:47,970
I think Lily's just being realistic.

212
00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:49,370
See, this is good.

213
00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:51,240
This is why I called you guys both over here.

214
00:08:51,300 --> 00:08:53,300
Ted, you're pro kids.

215
00:08:53,370 --> 00:08:54,400
Robin, you're against.

216
00:08:54,470 --> 00:08:56,740
Counselors, opening statements.

217
00:08:56,740 --> 00:08:59,940
Okay, I know you're afraid that you're not ready.

218
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:01,500
But no one ever thinks they're ready.

219
00:09:01,570 --> 00:09:03,070
You-you just have to take the leap.

220
00:09:03,140 --> 00:09:04,400
Parenthood will come naturally.

221
00:09:04,470 --> 00:09:06,440
Well, of course you think it comes naturally.

222
00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:08,440
You're basically a dad already.

223
00:09:08,500 --> 00:09:09,840
You're a total dad.

224
00:09:09,900 --> 00:09:11,040
What are you talking about?

225
00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:13,140
Ted,think about it.

226
00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:16,000
You tell super corny dad jokes.

227
00:09:16,070 --> 00:09:18,040
Shredded tweet!

228
00:09:18,100 --> 00:09:20,070
Oh, man!

229
00:09:20,140 --> 00:09:22,740
Shredded tweet.

230
00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:24,300
You lecture us.

231
00:09:24,370 --> 00:09:26,200
Like when we broke your stupid ship in a bottle.

232
00:09:26,270 --> 00:09:27,540
I'm not angry.

233
00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:29,040
I'm just disappointed.

234
00:09:29,100 --> 00:09:30,800
She did it!

235
00:09:30,870 --> 00:09:31,900
Shut up!

236
00:09:33,170 --> 00:09:36,370
And you do that thing all dads do with waitresses.

237
00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:37,640
Hi, I'm Lori.

238
00:09:37,700 --> 00:09:39,300
I'll be your waitress this evening.

239
00:09:39,370 --> 00:09:40,900
Hi, Lori, I'm Ted.

240
00:09:40,970 --> 00:09:42,670
I'll be your customer this evening.

241
00:09:42,740 --> 00:09:44,970
Hey, Lori,before you go,tell me,

242
00:09:44,970 --> 00:09:47,240
what do you getwhen you cross a canary with a lawn mower? 

243
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:49,240
No hints.No hints.

244
00:09:49,300 --> 00:09:50,170
She's right.

245
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:51,440
Ted, you maybe single

246
00:09:51,500 --> 00:09:54,900
and childless, but you're totally a dorky dad.

247
00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:57,970
I don't think I like your tone, young lady.

248
00:09:59,300 --> 00:10:02,570
Marshall, Not a Father's Day is a hit!

249
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:04,900
Laraby and Finklestein are helping me celebrate. Check it.

250
00:10:04,970 --> 00:10:07,870
"World's Greatest Not A Dad" mugs.

251
00:10:08,140 --> 00:10:09,300
There's, uh... ha!

252
00:10:09,370 --> 00:10:11,200
"Who's Not Your Daddy?" T-shirts.

253
00:10:11,270 --> 00:10:13,870
Both available at Not A Father's Day.Com.

254
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:16,500
Oh, check out the greeting cards.

255
00:10:19,470 --> 00:10:21,940
"For everything you do for yourself,

256
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:23,800
"For all the scotch upon your shelf,

257
00:10:23,870 --> 00:10:25,900
"Your Porsche Carrera rules the freeway,

258
00:10:25,970 --> 00:10:29,200
"Here's wishing you an all night three-way.

259
00:10:29,270 --> 00:10:30,800
Happy Not a Father's Day."

260
00:10:30,870 --> 00:10:32,470
Check out the illustration.

261
00:10:32,540 --> 00:10:35,140
No, no.

262
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,470
It appears to be some sort of Asian hooker.

263
00:10:39,540 --> 00:10:40,940
Yes.

264
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:42,600
Because on Not a Father's Day,

265
00:10:42,670 --> 00:10:44,600
you get a Thai you'd actually wear.

266
00:10:44,670 --> 00:10:45,770
Wordplay five!

267
00:10:47,440 --> 00:10:50,000
She's really kicking your ass here, Mosby.

268
00:10:50,070 --> 00:10:52,040
Your only hope is to go negative.

269
00:10:52,100 --> 00:10:53,670
Okay.

270
00:10:53,740 --> 00:10:56,240
I'll tell you why my opponent is saying all this.

271
00:10:56,300 --> 00:10:57,370
Three words:

272
00:10:57,440 --> 00:10:59,970
sced of babies.

273
00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:00,970
What?

274
00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:02,270
That is crazy.

275
00:11:02,340 --> 00:11:03,840
- I am not. - Oh, yeah?

276
00:11:03,900 --> 00:11:06,000
Remember that time you met my cousin and her kid?

277
00:11:06,070 --> 00:11:08,170
Oh, she is so cute!

278
00:11:09,900 --> 00:11:11,300
Oh, do you want to hold her?

279
00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:17,400
Or the baby shower Lily threw for her friend Erika?

280
00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:21,740
Are you leting that baby sniff you?

281
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:23,100
I don't want to get bitten.

282
00:11:24,140 --> 00:11:26,000
And don'forget about...

283
00:11:30,300 --> 00:11:31,600
Talking baby commercial?

284
00:11:31,670 --> 00:11:34,270
Talking baby commercial.

285
00:11:34,340 --> 00:11:35,870
But you're not like that, Lily.

286
00:11:35,940 --> 00:11:37,640
You love kids and they love you.

287
00:11:37,700 --> 00:11:39,170
Yes, I'm loveable,

288
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,400
pretty and wise, but is it enough?

289
00:11:41,470 --> 00:11:44,570
Look, it all comes down to one word: you.

290
00:11:44,640 --> 00:11:45,800
Are you ready to put

291
00:11:45,870 --> 00:11:47,200
your own dreams on the back burner?

292
00:11:47,270 --> 00:11:48,240
Grad school,

293
00:11:48,300 --> 00:11:49,700
teaching art at the college evel?

294
00:11:49,770 --> 00:11:51,600
Look, you need to focus

295
00:11:51,670 --> 00:11:54,400
on Project Lily before you can start Project Baby.

296
00:11:54,470 --> 00:11:56,200
If you don't, you'll always regret it.

297
00:11:56,270 --> 00:11:59,500
And that wouldn't be fair to you or the baby.

298
00:12:01,140 --> 00:12:01,940
What's that?

299
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:04,970
It's Jeremy's sock.

300
00:12:06,570 --> 00:12:08,440
I'm having a baby.

301
00:12:08,500 --> 00:12:11,100
But what about all the things I just said?

302
00:12:11,170 --> 00:12:13,240
But, but sock.

303
00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:15,570
But what about Marshall working all the time?

304
00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:17,340
But sock.

305
00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:18,970
But, but Project Lily!

306
00:12:19,040 --> 00:12:20,600
Little fishies on it.

307
00:12:20,670 --> 00:12:23,270
We made all of these arguments,

308
00:12:23,340 --> 00:12:26,270
and a sock is what makes your decision for you?

309
00:12:26,340 --> 00:12:30,740
I guess that was the sock-out punch, huh, Robin?

310
00:12:30,740 --> 00:12:31,840
Shut up, Dad.

311
00:12:31,900 --> 00:12:33,500
You shut up, baby hater.

312
00:12:33,570 --> 00:12:35,570
Babies are scary, okay?

313
00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:36,740
They have giant eyes.

314
00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:38,270
And then, come on, the soft spot?

315
00:12:38,340 --> 00:12:40,540
If there's gonna be a self-destruct button,

316
00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:44,270
at least hide it somewhere it won't accidentally get pressed.

317
00:12:44,740 --> 00:12:46,840
Where's Lily?

318
00:12:48,540 --> 00:12:50,440
Hey, did you drink any of this?

319
00:12:50,500 --> 00:12:51,670
Not a drop.

320
00:12:51,740 --> 00:12:53,900
Me, neither.

321
00:12:55,100 --> 00:12:57,300
Eriksen, meeting in five minutes.

322
00:12:57,370 --> 00:12:59,300
And you'd better bring your A-game for Mr. Li.

323
00:12:59,370 --> 00:13:01,840
That guy haunts my nightmares.

324
00:13:01,900 --> 00:13:03,940
Anyway, have fun out there, kid.

325
00:13:07,970 --> 00:13:10,870
Put a baby in me, Marshall. I'm ready.

326
00:13:17,370 --> 00:13:20,000
Lily... Lily, what are you doing here?

327
00:13:20,070 --> 00:13:21,200
I'm ready, Marshall.

328
00:13:21,270 --> 00:13:22,670
Tonight's the night.

329
00:13:22,740 --> 00:13:26,040
Put your melon-headed spawn in my belly.

330
00:13:26,100 --> 00:13:27,100
What?

331
00:13:27,170 --> 00:13:28,100
Come on, right now.

332
00:13:28,170 --> 00:13:29,400
Baby me. I am ready.

333
00:13:29,470 --> 00:13:31,900
Oh, hey, look.

334
00:13:31,970 --> 00:13:34,700
The guys in the next building are waving at me.

335
00:13:34,770 --> 00:13:36,740
Hello, gentlemen!

336
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:38,740
We're going to make a baby!

337
00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:42,740
I can't believe we lost her.

338
00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:44,640
See, this is exactly why I'm never having kids.

339
00:13:44,700 --> 00:13:46,070
You can't let them out of your sight

340
00:13:46,140 --> 00:13:47,140
for even a second.

341
00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:49,000
I can't find my file.

342
00:13:49,070 --> 00:13:51,740
I pulled out "A" through "G."

343
00:13:56,470 --> 00:13:58,500
They just sit there with their stupid bottles.

344
00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:02,270
They cry.

345
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:12,700
They spit up.

346
00:14:16,370 --> 00:14:18,100
And that's why kids suck.

347
00:14:18,170 --> 00:14:19,970
Wow, it is a good thing we broke up.

348
00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:22,500
I forgot how totally psycho you are on the kids thing.

349
00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:23,840
I'm psycho?

350
00:14:23,900 --> 00:14:26,600
Any time you even hear the word "kids,"

351
00:14:26,670 --> 00:14:29,470
you get two little lactation stains on your shirt.

352
00:14:29,540 --> 00:14:31,270
Thank God you're not a mom.

353
00:14:31,340 --> 00:14:32,770
You are such an ice queen.

354
00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:35,140
Any baby nursing from you would get brain freeze.

355
00:14:36,070 --> 00:14:37,440
Look, don't paint me as some sort

356
00:14:37,500 --> 00:14:39,570
of a freak for wanting to remain independent.

357
00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:41,240
There are plenty of normal people out there who don't want to have kids.

358
00:14:41,300 --> 00:14:42,970
Brother, lay your hand on this

359
00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:44,740
box of condoms and repeat after me.

360
00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:48,100
I, state the fake name you give to women.

361
00:14:48,170 --> 00:14:50,840
I, Johnny Banana.

362
00:14:50,900 --> 00:14:54,440
Vow to always choose wet T-shirts over wet diapers.

363
00:14:54,500 --> 00:14:55,740
Vow to always...

364
00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:57,800
Yeah, you're in great company there.

365
00:14:57,870 --> 00:15:00,440
I'm gonna look for Lily in the bathroom.

366
00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:02,700
-While I'm in there, I'll grab you a tampon. -Great.

367
00:15:02,770 --> 00:15:04,800
Great, and when you're done shaking off at the urinal,

368
00:15:04,870 --> 00:15:06,740
maybe you could ask the wizard to give you a heart.

369
00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:08,340
You know what?

370
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,440
Maybe I should find somewhere else to stay this weekend.

371
00:15:10,500 --> 00:15:12,170
-No argument here. -Fine.

372
00:15:12,170 --> 00:15:13,770
Great.

373
00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:16,100
Welcome to our fraternity of non-paternity.

374
00:15:17,470 --> 00:15:18,900
He is one of us.

375
00:15:22,100 --> 00:15:23,900
Gentlemen, Mr. Li,

376
00:15:24,370 --> 00:15:26,040
if you would all

377
00:15:26,100 --> 00:15:28,240
please open to page five of your merger documents.

378
00:15:28,300 --> 00:15:30,340
I think the...

379
00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:35,500
What is it, Eriksen?

380
00:15:35,570 --> 00:15:37,040
Nothing.

381
00:15:37,100 --> 00:15:39,400
I justhink that you look...

382
00:15:39,470 --> 00:15:41,100
very nice today.

383
00:15:51,540 --> 00:15:54,500
What are you looking at?

384
00:15:54,570 --> 00:15:58,770
I am looking at the future...

385
00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:01,700
of our two companies, and it looks

386
00:16:01,770 --> 00:16:04,470
very... naked.

387
00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:06,370
Would you excuse me just

388
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:07,670
for a brief second?

389
00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:13,840
Did anyone else see the drunk chick?

390
00:16:15,340 --> 00:16:17,200
Hey, you guys didn't have to...

391
00:16:17,270 --> 00:16:20,500
It's a picture of me with no kids.

392
00:16:20,570 --> 00:16:22,370
And there's macaroni glued on the frame.

393
00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:24,540
Guys, I love it.

394
00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:26,070
Well, Lily's not in there.

395
00:16:26,140 --> 00:16:27,300
Your phone rang.

396
00:16:27,370 --> 00:16:28,700
I answered it. I hope you don't mind.

397
00:16:28,770 --> 00:16:29,900
Marshall's got Lily.

398
00:16:29,970 --> 00:16:31,670
-She's fine. -Oh, thank God.

399
00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:35,040
What?

400
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:37,570
When I was putting your phone back,

401
00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:39,270
and, uh, I found something in your bag.

402
00:16:39,340 --> 00:16:40,570
I have a permit for that.

403
00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:41,640
And the other thing was a gift.

404
00:16:41,700 --> 00:16:43,300
No.

405
00:16:43,370 --> 00:16:44,770
This.

406
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:47,840
You stole Jeremy's sock.

407
00:16:47,900 --> 00:16:49,440
No, I didn't.

408
00:16:49,500 --> 00:16:51,100
I don't know how that got in there.

409
00:16:51,170 --> 00:16:53,600
It must've fallen in. Weird!

410
00:16:53,670 --> 00:16:54,800
 "Fallen in"?

411
00:16:54,870 --> 00:16:57,000
Or Lily put it in there as a joke.

412
00:16:57,070 --> 00:16:58,870
That bitch be drunk.

413
00:16:59,770 --> 00:17:01,440
Okay, I took it.

414
00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:04,270
It's just...

415
00:17:04,340 --> 00:17:05,970
so cute.

416
00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:07,640
Sock.

417
00:17:07,700 --> 00:17:10,200
Robin Scherbatsky,

418
00:17:10,270 --> 00:17:12,270
are you warming to the idea of having children?

419
00:17:12,340 --> 00:17:13,970
No.

420
00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:15,700
I don't know.

421
00:17:15,770 --> 00:17:17,200
Maybe someday.

422
00:17:17,270 --> 00:17:18,340
When I'm, like, 70.

423
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:19,870
Scienc will catch up.

424
00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:22,970
Look, I'm just...

425
00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:24,400
I'm confused lately.

426
00:17:24,470 --> 00:17:25,440
I'm unemployed.

427
00:17:25,500 --> 00:17:26,970
I'm living on a couch.

428
00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:29,540
Yeah. It's been a rough couple of months

429
00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:30,670
for both of us.

430
00:17:33,100 --> 00:17:34,740
Hey, I have a spare bedroom.

431
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:36,870
Why don't you stay with me while you look for a place?

432
00:17:36,940 --> 00:17:39,100
-Really? -Yeah.

433
00:17:39,170 --> 00:17:41,040
Thanks, Ted.

434
00:17:41,100 --> 00:17:42,240
I already have some leads,

435
00:17:42,300 --> 00:17:44,240
so it'll be one week, two weeks tops.

436
00:17:44,300 --> 00:17:46,770
And that's how your Aunt Robin moved in with me.

437
00:17:49,300 --> 00:17:51,300
I'm bored.

438
00:17:51,370 --> 00:17:52,300
Let's go dancing.

439
00:17:52,370 --> 00:17:54,540
Oh, let's rob a liquor store!

440
00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:56,170
Lily, we're not going anywhere, okay?

441
00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:57,500
Whenever we go somewhere when you're drunk,

442
00:17:57,570 --> 00:17:59,500
you always fall asleep as soon as we get in the...

443
00:18:01,100 --> 00:18:03,440
We're going dancing!

444
00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:06,440
We're gonna party all night long!

445
00:18:09,470 --> 00:18:12,100
Hey, can you circle the block a couple times

446
00:18:12,170 --> 00:18:13,940
just to make sure she's really down?

447
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:15,270
Sure thing.

448
00:18:17,270 --> 00:18:19,840
Latest Not A Father's Day brainstorm:

449
00:18:19,900 --> 00:18:23,000
a pregnancy test, but instead of a little, blue line,

450
00:18:23,070 --> 00:18:24,740
there's a little, blue Barney going like this.

451
00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:29,070
Barney, Not A Father's Day is lame.

452
00:18:29,140 --> 00:18:30,670
It's a holiday for losers.

453
00:18:30,740 --> 00:18:32,100
What are you...? What're you talking about?

454
00:18:32,170 --> 00:18:34,440
That's a great group of bros.

455
00:18:34,500 --> 00:18:36,170
Barney, it's the Cheerleader Effect.

456
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:37,340
Uh, no, Ted.

457
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:38,900
That only works for chicks.

458
00:18:38,970 --> 00:18:42,770
Take a good look at each one of thoseuys individually.

459
00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:01,900
These geniuses are not childless by choice, my friend.

460
00:19:01,970 --> 00:19:02,900
Good night, Barney.

461
00:19:02,970 --> 00:19:04,700
Good night.

462
00:19:11,570 --> 00:19:13,540
Sock.

463
00:19:16,970 --> 00:19:20,470
Do I smell chocolate chip pancakes?

464
00:19:20,470 --> 00:19:22,370
No, you smell "Chocolate chip

465
00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:26,000
I'm sorry I was such a drunk idiot" pancakes.

466
00:19:26,070 --> 00:19:29,000
Oh, is there any "Wish I hadn't puked on your shirt" bacon?

467
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:29,800
There sure is.

468
00:19:29,870 --> 00:19:31,970
Baby...

469
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:33,800
I'm so sorry about last night.

470
00:19:33,870 --> 00:19:35,500
I know I was a mess.

471
00:19:35,570 --> 00:19:37,700
I... I just started freaking out

472
00:19:37,770 --> 00:19:40,400
about whether we're ready to be parents.

473
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:43,370
But you took such good care of me.

474
00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:45,500
I know you're gonna be a great dad.

475
00:19:45,570 --> 00:19:47,400
I don't want to be a dad right now.

476
00:19:47,770 --> 00:19:48,270
What?

477
00:19:48,340 --> 00:19:50,700
Last night, it was just...

478
00:19:50,770 --> 00:19:53,640
Between balancing work and drunk Baby Lily,

479
00:19:53,700 --> 00:19:55,200
it was too much.

480
00:19:55,270 --> 00:19:57,270
I'm just getting started at this job,

481
00:19:57,340 --> 00:20:00,170
and I'm working such long hours, I mean...

482
00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:02,370
Look, I love you.

483
00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:04,240
And I absolutely want to have kids someday.

484
00:20:04,300 --> 00:20:07,470
I just... I want to be ready for it.

485
00:20:08,700 --> 00:20:09,940
Me, too.

486
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,970
And whenever we are ready,

487
00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:16,240
I know you're going to be amazing.

488
00:20:16,870 --> 00:20:18,640
You, too.

489
00:20:21,740 --> 00:20:23,070
Hey, do you want to go have

490
00:20:23,140 --> 00:20:25,200
completely protected sex right now?

491
00:20:25,270 --> 00:20:26,770
I do.

492
00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:28,740
Do you want to finish your bacon first?

493
00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:33,240
You are the perfect woman.

494
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000